Interesting you should bring this up, as I've been thinking about it lately too, although somewhat from the other end of things.
I don't seem to be capable of turning my back entirely on people, even when I think I should. I've come to consider this something of a character flaw, or at least, something that is increasingly harmful to me, because it leads me to continue with relationships that I know are not good for me.
It's very tempting for me to subscribe to your viewpoint, because it'd justify my behavior. Certainly, I'd agree that being able to reconcile with people is a good quality and a mark of maturity. But that's not necessarily the same thing as never walking away from a relationship.
I wish I no longer believed in losing friendships or cutting people out of my life. But I've realized that for some people, trying to hold the cognitive dissonance of knowing all that is horrible about a person and still liking them anyway just flat out isn't worth it. I know this makes me not a good person, and probably pretty immature. But I've tried to continue a friendship past the point when it shouldn't have lasted, and the awfulness that caused has generally taught me that it is okay to let go and turn away sometimes.
I guess I have kind of the 90-degree version of your trust thing. While I also don't put much trust in people, that means that it's easier to turn away and write them off, rather than easier to deal with people's foibles.
*nods* I've known your stance on this topic for a while, and it's one of the reasons we may never be closer than we are. If I can't trust someone to have faith in me, why would I put my faith in them
( ... )
I have difficulty comprehending the initial befriending of the abusive person, and don't have any experience in the area, but my general response
( ... )
i... find i agree with a lot of what you say. the two times i have completely lost friends, i am not sure that they are not still friends. Just... distant for reasons of their own.
Most of my friendships have drifted, either because of me, because of the other person, or through a mutual lessening of communication, but as far as I'm concerned, all of them could be picked up again to one extent or another.
Decisions I make are rarely set in stone. Mostly I acknowledge the extremity of a potential permanent stance because, well, it is exceptionally rare for me.
Who knows? It might actually be impossible. But more than anything else, any statement of, "This is unforgivable" is (presuming I knew the person well enough to realize they were not actually a horrible person) really a statement of, "I cannot, given the current situation, think of a way that I could forgive this person." I am much more likely to not forgive out of distrust or self-preservation than I am to not forgive out of anger. (I don't hold on to anger well.)
That said . . . I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.
Interestingly, I'm not sure that forgiveness is a requisite for friendship in my mind. There are a few things I've never forgiven people for and they've never apologized for, but with time the pain faded and we figured out how to interact with each other in ways that didn't bring it back. Both sides lost trust, and in many cases we didn't speak for a time, but the friendship endured.
The third (and thus less emphasized than the first two) motive of this entry was "Disappointing me happens, I still care about you." Throughout everything you have disappointed me some. Others have disappointed me more.
Comments 14
I don't seem to be capable of turning my back entirely on people, even when I think I should. I've come to consider this something of a character flaw, or at least, something that is increasingly harmful to me, because it leads me to continue with relationships that I know are not good for me.
It's very tempting for me to subscribe to your viewpoint, because it'd justify my behavior. Certainly, I'd agree that being able to reconcile with people is a good quality and a mark of maturity. But that's not necessarily the same thing as never walking away from a relationship.
See also: How Open Source Projects Survive Poisonous People.
Reply
Reply
I guess I have kind of the 90-degree version of your trust thing. While I also don't put much trust in people, that means that it's easier to turn away and write them off, rather than easier to deal with people's foibles.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
--Rogan
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Who knows? It might actually be impossible. But more than anything else, any statement of, "This is unforgivable" is (presuming I knew the person well enough to realize they were not actually a horrible person) really a statement of, "I cannot, given the current situation, think of a way that I could forgive this person." I am much more likely to not forgive out of distrust or self-preservation than I am to not forgive out of anger. (I don't hold on to anger well.)
That said . . . I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.
Reply
The third (and thus less emphasized than the first two) motive of this entry was "Disappointing me happens, I still care about you." Throughout everything you have disappointed me some. Others have disappointed me more.
Reply
Leave a comment