Fic: Passing on the Left-hand Side

[withdiamonds]

This is my story for spn_cinema.

Title: Passing on the Left-hand Side
Movie Prompt: Same Time, Next Year
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Jensen/JDM, Jared/Chad
Rating: R
Word Count: c.11,000
Summary: Jared and Jensen meet one night and are instantly attracted to each other. But they already have lives, with jobs and families and other people in them and everything. So they agree to go their separate ways and meet up once a year, at the same time, in the same place. This is them, over the years, and it's very much a love story.
Warnings: Infidelity, obviously. That may not be the point of the movie, but it's certainly the premise.
Notes: I've been writing this story since February. Ten months. It was a bear, but I finally wrestled it into some semblance of submission. I've also been whining to topaz119 about it for that long. If it wasn't for her, it wouldn't be even close to all right. The title is a Matchbox 20 lyric. That's an easy habit to slip back into, and I just keep doing it. The LJ cut text is from the Johnny Mathis theme song from the movie.



1985

Jared Padalecki was exhausted. He was currently driving his Volvo station wagon down a narrow country lane, hoping to God he was almost at his destination. Tall evergreens lined the road on either side, making him feel like he was driving through a tunnel. A squirrel ran across the road in front of him, and he slammed on his brakes, tires squealing.

"Goddamn rodents," Jared cursed, as he sat there waiting for his heart rate to get back down to something approaching normal. "No self-preservation instincts whatsoever."

He continued on down the road, wondering when he was ever going to catch a glimpse of the sun. He was in sunny California, after all.

And then the trees parted, and the sun was right there, shining happily down on the Seaside Inn. Jared breathed a sigh of relief and navigated the small, graveled parking lot, pulling up in front of what looked like the main building.

He got out of his car and looked around. It seemed as if the whole place was on the edge of a cliff--it weren't exactly "seaside," more like "way up above the sea," but the view was breathtaking. There were several smaller cottages surrounding the larger main building, and Jared could smell salt on the soft, gentle breeze.

He checked in at the office, ending up in one of the smaller cottages: a one-bedroom with a pleasant sitting area and a patio with more of that extraordinary view. Tossing his suitcase on the bed, Jared decided to unpack later. Right now he was starving, and when he’d checked in he'd been keenly aware of the heavenly smells emanating from the restaurant situated in the main building.

It looked like a nice place, so Jared pulled a white linen sports coat over his pale pink t-shirt. He shoved a pair of Ray-Bans on and paused in front of the mirror over the dresser. He was about a foot too tall to pull off the Miami Vice look completely successfully, but he didn't think he looked too bad.

Chad gave him shit about his fashion choices, but Jared thought he looked pretty good in pastels. He drew the line at wearing shoes without socks, though. Ew. He'd leave that to Sonny Crockett.

Jared generally wasn't a fan of eating by himself, but the food tasted as good as it smelled, and he kept himself occupied by watching the other diners while he scarfed down his steak and baked potato. He was on his second bottle of Budweiser when he spotted him.

Sitting alone at a table on the other side of the dining room was the most beautiful man Jared had ever seen... and that was saying something, since Jared had spent the last week in LA, where the beautiful people lived.

The vision in a pale blue button-down shirt and - Jared tilted his head a bit so he could see under the guy's table - tan khaki pants and well-polished brown loafers tipped his glass back to down the last few drops of his beer. Jared stared at the line of his throat until the guy lowered his glass and caught Jared staring at him.

A faint blush crept up the guy's cheeks, and he looked down at his plate, full lips curving in a small smile. Jared was completely charmed.

He was even more charmed when the next time he looked over at the other table, the hot guy was watching him back. He lowered his right eyelid in a definite wink, and Jared grinned at him, absurdly pleased.

After they exchanged a few more glances that Jared could only describe as flirtatious, he grabbed his beer and stood up, raising his eyebrows in a question. He really hoped he wasn't wrong.

The gorgeous guy nodded, and Jared headed over to the other table. He held out his hand and said, "Jared Padalecki."

A pair of warm green eyes looked him up and down appreciatively, and then his hand was taken in a firm grip. "Jensen Ackles." Jensen nodded toward the empty chair next to him. "Have a seat."

Jared pulled out the chair and made himself comfortable.

Several beers later and they knew more about each other than Jared would have thought possible in such a short time. Jensen was easy to talk to, with a dry sense of humor and an easy smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle in the most adorable way.

It turned out Jensen was a physical therapist who lived in Los Angeles, although he'd been born in Dallas. He was seeing someone, a graphic artist named Jeff who was several years older than Jensen, but he didn't act unduly concerned about where things seemed to be headed with Jared.

"So, I'm thirty and you're thirty-four, and we each have a younger sister and an older brother," Jared said happily.

Jensen cocked his head, appraising Jared thoughtfully. "I can see you as a middle child. I bet you'd do a lot to get someone's attention."

"That's what my momma says," Jared agreed. "What about you? I bet you like attention, too, but you're probably quieter about it."

Jensen smiled, and Jared found his heart speeding up in a way that wasn't quite comfortable, but that he liked a lot. He wondered how much noise he could get Jensen to make under the right circumstances.

He was happy that he hadn't read the signals wrong. His gaydar was usually enough to keep him from hitting on guys who might try and kick the shit out of him. He smiled at Jensen and Jensen smiled back.

Jared beamed.

They both stood up at the same time, Jared almost knocking his chair over in his eagerness. Jensen draped the sleeves of a pale yellow sweater over his shoulders and tied them together, his eyes never leaving Jared's.

The sea air was fresh and cool now that the sun had gone down, and Jared shivered as much from anticipation as from the salty breeze. He didn't do this very often. No one he knew did anymore. Not that he'd been an anonymous, one-night stand kind of guy before AIDS made every sexual encounter potentially deadly and terrifying, but nowadays, Jared pretty much kept it in his pants. Chad was usually the only exception to that rule.

He and Chad had been drifting towards something of a monogamous relationship lately, although it might help if Chad could decide whether he liked men or women. Well, obviously he liked both, but Jared would feel better if he'd pick a team, preferably Jared's team, and stick with it. Stick with Jared. Whatever. If Chad needed time to mourn all the sex he wouldn't be having with anyone except Jared, Jared was willing to give him that time.

Meanwhile, here was this gorgeous guy in khakis walking next to him, bumping their shoulders together companionably, except there was nothing companion-like about Jared's reaction to the physical contact.

It just made him want.

*

Jensen couldn't believe his luck. The most beautiful man he had ever seen was sleeping next to him, sprawled out on his stomach with his hand tucked under his pillow. He had no idea what he did to deserve this, but he'd take it, no questions asked.

Pulling himself up so he was leaning against the headboard, Jensen stuffed a pillow behind his back. He watched Jared sleep, which wasn't creepy at all, he told himself.

He watched Jeff sleep all the time, and Jeff didn't think it was creepy.

Thinking about Jeff made him feel guilty, so he focused on Jared's nose. It was the most adorable nose he'd ever seen, and those dimples weren't half bad, either.

Jared stirred in his sleep, and the top sheet slid down, revealing the pale skin of Jared's hip, and Jensen's heart actually skipped a beat. There were acres of skin right there next to him, and all he had to do was reach out a hand and touch.

"Are you watching me sleep?" The pillow his face was buried in muffled Jared's voice, but his words were clear enough.

"No?" Jensen said.

"You don’t sound very sure," Jared said, rolling until he was on his side, facing Jensen. He smiled sleepily, and Jensen smiled back at him.

"Good morning."

"Mmm, good morning to you, too." Jared yawned and sat up, looking adorably tousled. "Is there room service in this place?" He peered around the room as if he expected breakfast to miraculously appear.

Jensen shook his head. "There might be. I don't really know. This is your room," he pointed out. "I only stopped here for dinner last night."

"How can you not know if food is imminent?" Jared asked, wide-eyed.

Jensen laughed and scooted down in bed, moving closer to Jared. "You sound like Jeff. He likes food in the morning, too."

"And you don't?" Jared frowned at him.

"Coffee. That's what's important in the morning. In fact, I'm going to have to go find some soon if I expect to function in any way today."

They lay in comfortable silence, and in fact, Jensen almost drifted off again. Then Jared spoke, his voice hesitant.

"Is this - what about - will you tell Jeff?" he finally managed to get out. "Are you guys…?" he broke off like he wasn't quite sure what he was asking.

Jensen shook his head on the pillow. "Nah. We're not really all that serious yet. I mean, we could be someday." He paused, really thinking about it. "I think I might like that. But we're not there yet," he said again.

"Would he be mad?" Jared asks.

"No, but he'd be hurt," Jensen said, trying to be honest. "He's probably a little more ready to settle down than I am."

Jared studied Jensen's face for a moment, then fell back on his pillow and shut his eyes. "Chad would probably just want details."

Jensen laughed. "Sounds like a charmer."

"Oh, he thinks he is." Jared's smile was amazing, almost too dazzling for this early in the morning.

"Now tell me something good about him," Jensen said.

Jared's face turned serious. "He was my friend first, before we hooked up, and he always has my back, no matter what."

Jensen nodded. "That's important."

"So, tell me something good and something bad about Jeff," Jared said.

"Hmm," Jensen pondered. "Well, his mom is the greatest. And that means he is, too, since she raised him."

Jared nodded. "That makes sense."

Jensen added, "He has a giggle like a twelve-year old girl on helium, which is very embarrassing when we're out in public."

"I can see where it could be," Jared said. After a moment, he smiled. "I'm trying to decide between breakfast or blowing you again."

"There's no reason we can't do both, is there?"

"I like the way you think," Jared said with a smirk.

After both blowjobs and breakfast, delivered to the cottage and eaten on the deck, Jared said, "I was planning on heading back to San Antonio today. I've been in LA for a job interview, but I don't think LA and I are a good match." He made a face as he drained the last of his coffee.

"Interview not go well?" Jensen guessed, then could have kicked himself. "I'm sorry, that's none of my business."

"Nah, it's fine. And, no, it didn't go all that great." Jared shrugged. "I don't guess I'm ready to move so far away from my family, anyway. They've been great about accepting - you know, not making a big deal out of me being gay." He laughed. "They even like Chad."

Jensen nodded. "My mom gets scared, I think. She's afraid I'm going to get sick, especially since I live in LA. We don't talk about it much. I think she likes to pretend that I just haven't met the right girl yet." He rolled his eyes and snatched the last piece of toast off the tray. "My dad, too. We're all a lot more comfortable with me in LA. Then it's not right under their noses all the time."

He got it, he really did. He missed them, and they loved him, and he held out hope that maybe someday they could regain the closeness they'd had before he'd told them he was gay.

"That's hard." Jared scowled at the toast in Jensen's hand. "I wanted that last piece."

"Too bad," Jensen smirked.

"Anyway, are you in a hurry? I can stay until tomorrow, if you want?"

Jensen looked into Jared's hopeful eyes and smiled. "I think I can do that."

1990

Jensen checked his reflection in the mirror one more time, just to be on the safe side, and then shook his head at his own ridiculousness.

His stomach fluttered with nerves, anticipation, and just plain lust.

He couldn't wait to see Jared again, to get all that skin under his hands, all those muscles, to lick those dimples, to -

And he needed to derail that train of thought right the fuck now. Just because it had been a whole year since they’d seen each other, that didn't mean that Jared was going to get here and be in the mood to promptly get mauled.

Okay, this was Jared he was talking about, of course he was going to be in the mood to fuck. But Jensen thought maybe they could say hello first. Sometimes they forgot that part in their eagerness to get their hands on each other again.

Or they could eat dinner. It might be nice to get that out of the way before things got naked and sweaty. Just so they didn’t have to get out of bed again in order to prevent Jared from starving to death during the night.

He checked the mirror again, straightening the collar of his navy sports coat. The creases in his jeans were sharp and crisp, and he refused to let himself run his damp palms down the legs of his pants.

His hair was carefully gelled, waves dipping on either side of his face. He turned his head from side to side, making sure he hadn’t nicked himself shaving.

Finally Jensen heard the crunch of gravel under tires, and he took a deep breath to settle his nerves. This made five years of meeting Jared for one weekend a year, and Jensen thought that was quite a milestone. Almost like an anniversary.

He pushed away thoughts of Jeff and their recent three-year anniversary celebration. Well, Jeff had insisted on calling it four years, but in Jensen's mind they'd only gotten officially serious when Jensen had moved into Jeff's house in LA. He'd spent a year fighting the inevitable, because he liked his apartment, but Jeff's work as a graphic artist was in high demand, and it was stupid to deny he had an awesome house. Also, Jensen had fallen in love with Jeff's dog, and she came with the house.

They'd gone to Hawaii for a week to commemorate the occasion, and it had been wonderful.

It also had nothing to do with Jared and their weekends together, and again, Jensen tried to put it out of his mind.

The cottage door was flung open by a vision in tight jeans with legs a mile long, a black leather jacket, and brilliant white Adidas sneakers. Aviator sunglasses perched on Jared's nose, and he slid them up into his hair with a smile that was almost as blinding as his shoes.

Jensen's knees went weak at the sight.

Closing the door behind him and making his way towards Jensen, moving like a big, predatory cat, Jared said, "Hey, baby."

"Don't call me baby," Jensen said automatically, not knowing whether to back up or move forward into Jared's embrace.

"You know you love it," Jared said, wrapping his arms around Jensen and pretty much squeezing all the air out of his lungs.

Jensen put his palms on Jared's chest and pushed. He managed to move Jared back about two inches, but it was enough so that Jensen could tilt his head up and look at him. "I really don't," he said, but he couldn't help the smile that broke out at the sight of Jared's dimples.

He'd really missed those dimples.

Jared's lips covered his in a kiss that pretty much took away any remaining breath Jensen might have had. He was always wired at the beginning of these weekends, nervous, sometimes tense, although he was never sure why. Maybe he was subconsciously worried that Jared wouldn't show up for some reason. Now he felt that tension melting away as he and Jared kissed, and he fisted his hands in Jared's jacket to try and get him even closer.

Jared pulled back with a moan. "Oh, man, did I miss this." He ran his hands down Jensen's back, and Jensen shivered. Jared's hands came to rest possessively on Jensen's hips.

"What do you say we get dinner over with," Jensen said. "Then we can come back here and not have to emerge until -"

"Until it's time to eat again?" Jared asked, laughing.

"Whatever," Jensen said, smacking Jared on the ass. "Get a move on, cowboy, before I change my mind and don’t let you out of that bed until you’re weak from dehydration and hunger."

"I don't live in Texas anymore," Jared said, as they walked across the grounds toward the dining room. "We moved to Buffalo so Chad could be closer to his mom. She's been sick." Jared's smile dimmed. "His Dad wasn't dealing with it well, and I was between jobs, so we just packed up and went."

"I'm sorry," Jensen said.

"No worries, I'm still a Texas boy at heart," Jared said, holding the door to the main building open for Jensen.

"No, I mean I'm sorry about Chad's mom," Jensen said, rolling his eyes.

Mr. Chalmers greeted them in the dining room. "Nice to see you two," he said. "I kept your usual table for you tonight." He led them over to it and placed two menus on the table. "Steak's extra good this evening, and so is the spaghetti."

"Thanks," Jensen said, shaking Mr. Chalmers' hand. “It’s nice to see you again, too, sir.”

"Good to be back," Jared added, giving the guy a one-armed shoulder squeeze.

"So speaking of Chad, what's the bad story about him this year?" Jensen asked as they sat down. Jared's bad stories about Chad were pretty epic. Chad was quite a character, apparently.

"He got so drunk the night of our going away party that he proposed marriage to Tyler's sister. Whose husband was standing right there, along with Tyler. And then he proposed to her husband, and tried to kiss them both." Jared paused for effect, and Jensen was already laughing. "So they threw him in the pool." He smirked at Jensen. "Don't laugh, I had to drag his soaking wet ass home."

Jensen laughed so hard he had to take a drink of water to stop the hiccups. Jared joined him, but then he looked down at his menu ruefully. "I dunno, man. Sometimes the drinking gets out of control."

Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. They didn't often talk seriously about this stuff. They told their stories and then didn't really talk about Chad and Jeff for the rest of the weekend. But there was a shadow in Jared's eyes that wasn't usually there, so Jensen was willing to listen.

They weren't just here for the sex, after all.

But Jared seemed to shake it off, and he spent the rest of dinner talking about his dogs and his new job at an engineering firm in Buffalo that designed bridges, which he obviously thought was a very cool thing to do.

"All that weight, spanning the water, and they just stay up; suspension bridges are awesome, dude, marvels of engineering." His eyes were bright again, and Jensen found himself smiling back at him like he thought bridges were the most amazing things ever, too.

By the time they finished dinner, they were more than ready to go back to their cottage.

"I can't wait to get you naked and do filthy things to you," Jared growled in Jensen's ear. Jensen fumbled with the key, trying to get the door unlocked, but it wasn't easy with Jared draped all over him, his hands seemingly everywhere at once.

"Dude, let me just -" Jensen broke off as Jared's tongue swept along the shell of his ear and his breath blew hot on Jensen's neck. "Christ, what is wrong with this motherfucking key?"

They were finally on the bed, and Jensen was peeling Jared out of his clothes as quickly as he could, reveling in the sight of all that beautiful skin, when the phone rang.

Jeff knew the name of the Inn in case of an emergency, and Jensen assumed Jared must have told Chad for the same reason, so it was anybody's guess which one of them was calling.

Jensen always told Jeff that this weekend was a college reunion of sorts, that some of Jensen's buddies got together every year, no spouses or significant others invited. He seemed fine with that.

Jensen really had no idea what Jared told Chad.

They looked at each other, neither one of them wanting to answer the phone. Finally Jensen picked up the receiver and held it to his ear, while Jared leaned in to listen. They both held their breaths.

"Jensen?" Jeff's voice sounded uncertain. "Hello?"

"Jeff, hey," Jensen said, and Jared sat up, tugging his shirt back on. "What's up?

"It's Bisou," Jeff said, and Jensen could hear the worry in his voice. "I think she has fleas again, and I couldn't remember the name of the flea powder that worked so well the last time. Do you remember what it was called?"

"Um," Jensen wracked his brain, trying to think. His dick was still hard, and Jeff was asking him about flea powder. Jesus Christ. "It wasn't powder, Jeff, I think last time we used those little pills. Call Dr. Russell, I don't think there are any left."

"Okay, I'll do that." Jeff paused, then asked, "Hey, you having fun?" He sounded wistful. "I miss you."

"Oh, yeah, yeah, sure am," Jensen said. He felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Bisou meant everything to Jeff, she was his girl, and now there was a crisis, and Jensen wasn't even there. "I miss you, too."

"Okay, I'm going to go dig around, see if we still have any of those pills," Jeff said. "See you soon."

"Right, soon, okay, bye," Jensen said, and he hung up the phone. "Shit, shit, shit." He sank down on the edge of the bed, fists clenched in front of him. "Shit."

"What's wrong?" Jared asked, his eyes warm and sympathetic. He sat next to Jensen and patted his knee, exuding concern.

His naked chest was very distracting, so Jensen quickly stood up and crossed the room. "Bisou."

"Shit," Jared said in alarm. "Is she alright? What's wrong?"

"She has fleas." Jensen said it the same way he imagined he'd announce that his mother had cancer, or something, and winced. God forbid. He looked around for wood to knock on, appalled at himself for even thinking such a thing.

There was silence for a minute, then Jared said, "And?"

"And? What do you mean, and?" Jensen started to pace. "I need to go home," he said.

"Excuse me?"

"Home, I need to go home. Jeff can't find - and Bisou might need - it could get worse -" Jensen broke off, and started to look around for his shirt.

*

Was he serious? Jared stared at Jensen. He was, he was seriously stuffing his clothes into the suitcase he'd barely even unpacked yet.

"Are you serious?"

Jensen shot him an impatient glance. "Of course I'm serious. Where are my socks?"

"You're just going to leave. Now. When we just got here," Jared said flatly. "Because your dog has fleas."

Unbelievable.

"Come on, Jared, help me out here. Where the hell are my socks?" Jensen paused in his frantic packing to jab an accusatory finger at Jared. "Why are you just standing there?"

Jared had known this could happen. Had been afraid of it, in fact. One weekend a year, who was to say that Jensen would keep wanting to do this forever? They never talked about forever, they simply showed up. They each had faith the other one would be here. Jared never let himself think about what would happen if they weren't.

"Jensen, talk to me. What's going on in that head of yours, man?" Jared looked around and picked one of Jensen's socks off the floor. Holding it out, he said, "This isn't really about Bisou's fleas, is it?"

"Jared, I just - I don't think I can do this. I have a life -" Jensen was wide-eyed with panic.

Jared shrugged. "So do I. But this -" he waved a hand between himself and Jensen. "This is important to me. You're important to me."

Jensen didn't say anything. He sat down on the edge of the bed and scrubbed a hand over his face. His hands were trembling.

"I thought I was important to you, too. Why else would you show up here every year?" Jared asked.

Jensen looked up at Jared then. He looked wrecked. "Don't you ever feel guilty?" His voice cracked, and Jared didn’t know whether to kiss him or smack him. He sat down on the bed next to the man he'd traveled clear across the country to see, careful to leave enough space between them that they weren’t touching.

Jensen obviously needed some space right now.

"Of course I feel guilty, you ass," Jared said. "Chad is - I love Chad." He did, in spite of the rough patches, and there were times he wondered what the hell he was doing with Jensen.

He loved Jensen, too, though, which was why he cheated on Chad once a year. But if he loved Jensen, why didn’t he want to dump Chad and make a life with Jensen?

These were the things he thought about in the middle of the night.

But he felt as committed to Jensen, in a weird sort of way, as he did to Chad. And they were either going to do this thing or they weren't.

"Well?" Jensen said, waving a hand between them. "Doesn't this bother you?"

"Sometimes," Jared admitted. "But I choose to come here, and when I do, I'm here. With you." He studied Jensen's face. "Does making such a big deal out of feeling guilty make it better, Jensen? Make it less wrong?" He did a passable imitation of Jensen's low voice, with just a trace of the Texas accent that came out whenever Jensen was feeling especially emotional. "Yes, I'm cheating, but look how guilty I feel!"

"Fuck you, Jared." But Jensen was looking a bit sheepish now, and there wasn't much heat to his words. "Is that really how I come off?"

"You do tend to bring out the hair shirt more than I do." Jared shrugged again. "I guess we just handle things differently."

"And how do you handle it?" Jensen looked at him as if he really wanted to know, as if Jared's answer held the key to everything.

And the answer was simple, at least for Jared. "I love you, and when I'm with you, that's enough."

Jensen just stared at him, then he clutched his hair, fingers tangled in the soft blond waves. "God, I’m an idiot."

Jared nodded at him reassuringly. "Not gonna fight you on that one. But you’re my idiot, at least for one weekend a year. Right?" He waited, hoping Jensen's little freak-out was over.

"Right." Jensen smiled sheepishly. He let go of his hair, and Jared couldn't help smiling at the way it was sticking up all over his head.

But he also couldn't help adding, "Even if you are the worst mood-killer I've ever met."

Jensen sighed. "Okay, so maybe I didn't think it through. I guess I'm going to have to make it up to you."

"I guess you are." Jared waggled his eyebrows lasciviously.

Later, after Jared had fucked Jensen into the mattress in retaliation for scaring the shit out of him, Jensen said, "I love you, too, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

1995

"Honey, I'm home," Jared whooped as he burst through the cottage door. He was really glad to be here. If this weekend hadn't been his weekend with Jensen, he still would have found somewhere to go, just to get away from things for a little while.

Jensen jumped about a foot and nearly fell off the armchair he was perched on. He opened his mouth, probably to bitch Jared out for startling him, and then closed it again. He blinked, and his eyes widened.

"What the hell are you wearing, dude?" He stood up and took a step toward Jared. "No, really, what the hell is that?"

"This?" Jared looked down at his brightly colored Hawaiian shirt, then back up at Jensen. "It's a shirt." He reached out and grabbed Jensen by the back of the neck, hauling him in for a kiss.

Jensen seemed to momentarily lose his train of thought while Jared kissed him thoroughly, but as soon as Jared pulled back, Jensen said, "It has red and purple flowers on it," as if he couldn't think of a worse indictment.

Jared looked down at himself again and shrugged. "It's an Hawaiian shirt, Jensen. What can I say?"

"That you'll never wear it again?" Jensen was busy unbuttoning the offending shirt, so Jared let him get away with criticizing it.

Jared slid his fingers under the hem of Jensen's Dallas Cowboys t-shirt and spread his hands across the warm skin of Jensen's back. Breathing in Jensen's scent, he sighed deeply.

By this time, Jensen had the buttons undone, and he briskly pushed the shirt down Jared's arms. "I suppose Chad likes this atrocity," he muttered as he worked.

Jared tried not to react, but he felt himself stiffen. Jensen's hands slowed. "What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Can we not talk right now? Can we just fuck?" Jared met Jensen's eyes, and he had no idea what Jensen saw in his expression, but he nodded.

"Sure, we can do that." Jared's shirt landed on the floor, and his pants quickly joined them. "What do you want?"

"Get those clothes off, first of all," Jared said, his voice hoarse.

"Okay," Jensen said agreeably as he tugged his t-shirt off. He reached for his belt buckle and asked, "What else?"

It occurred to Jared that Jensen sounded like he was reasoning with someone about to leap from a tall building, which was kind of funny, because that's exactly what Jared felt like.

He pushed Chad and all his bullshit away and focused on Jensen, took him in. He'd missed him. There was some gray at his temples now, not much, just enough to make him look distinguished. Laugh lines crinkled at the corner of his eyes more than they used to, but Jared still thought he was as gorgeous as the day he'd met him.

"Would you fuck me, please?" Jared asked, and Jensen's eyes darkened. He nodded, and the next thing Jared knew, he was sprawled out on the bed on his back.

"Still got some moves, there, old man," Jared said breathlessly.

Jensen grinned down at him. "You bet your ass I do."

Jared thought he wanted to be distracted, he thought he wanted it rough, hard and fast, but Jensen took his time, prepping Jared slowly and carefully, easing into him in a way Jared could only describe as kind. He didn’t know whether to be grateful or pissed off.

"This isn't my first time, you know," Jared said, and Jensen laughed.

"I'm aware," he said, but he just kept fucking Jared slow and steady.

"Come on," Jared said in a voice that was perilously close to a whine. "Come on, come on."

"I'm right here," Jensen said, and that was the stupidest thing Jared had ever heard come out of his mouth, but for some reason, it made Jared feel better, while at the same time it made something behind his eyes burn.

He gave a weak laugh. "Jesus."

"Shh," Jensen said. "Shut up and let me fuck you."

By the time Jared came, he was sweating and trembling all over. He curled into himself and pretty much stopped breathing. He was aware of Jensen, his dick still in Jared's ass, his hand on Jared's cock, but it seemed to take forever to come back down.

"Jesus," he said again, and Jensen laughed.

"You keep calling me that," he said as he slowly pulled out and took care of the condom. Reaching over the side of the bed, he grabbed his t-shirt and swiped it over Jared's stomach.

"Now," Jensen said, settling himself at Jared's side, head propped up on one elbow, leg draped companionably over Jared's knees. "Spill."

"I thought I just did," Jared snickered, but he sobered when Jensen just looked at him steadily. He sighed and folded his hands behind his head.

"Chad has a kid."

"Excuse me?"

"A little girl."

"What the fuck? When did this happen?"

"Three years ago, apparently."

"When - what - I don't even know what to ask." Jensen pushed himself up, sitting cross-legged, facing Jared. His toes poked Jared in the side.

Jared sighed again. He'd been doing that a lot lately. "He just found out. Three years ago, he hooked up with one of the interns at the paper. She was all awestruck, being around Chad Michael Murray, famous local sportswriter." He heard the bitter note in his voice and grimaced. "She didn't know she was pregnant until after she left."

"So, how…I mean, did she call him? Just show up with the kid? What?" Jensen's hand rubbed slow, soothing circles on Jared's chest. It felt good.

"Both. I mean, she called last month, then brought Abby to the house." Jared smiled in spite of himself as he thought about Abby. "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Jensen patted Jared one last time and then scooted down next to him again, resting his head on his shoulder. They lay there in silence for a while, until Jensen said, "So that's this year's bad story about Chad. Is there a good one?"

Jared smiled into Jensen's hair. "There is. He's a fabulous dad."

"How often -"

"Sarah moved back to San Antonio, so we're sharing custody." Jared sat up, dislodging Jensen and grinning. "I'm a stepfather."

"I think I may be jealous. We've never even considered kids. Jeff thinks he's too old, and I know we've got about a zero percent chance adopting." Jensen smiled. "I'd give a lot to see you with her. I'll bet you're an amazing daddy."

"I'm fucking terrified, is what I am. I'm forty, Jensen! What the hell do I know about raising a little girl?"

Jensen laughed sympathetically, then his smile faded. "What about you and Chad?"

Jared shrugged. "We're working on it. I was pissed as hell, but when I look at Abby…well, it's hard to stay pissed, you know? And he drinks less when she's around, so that's a plus." He looked away from Jensen's concern, watched the tree outside the window, the branches blowing in the breeze. "We'll be okay." Jared waved a hand between the two of them. "It happens, I know that better than anyone. Not much of a moral high ground here."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared until he was smiling again. "So, you got any pictures?"

"I do!" Jared bounced up and off the bed, searching for his pants. Retrieving his wallet, he flipped it open, showing Jensen the pictures he'd stuck in there just last week.

Abby was adorable, with Chad's nose and bright blue eyes, and Jared adored her.

"She's beautiful," Jensen said, studying the pictures. "She has Chad's nose."

Jared laughed, feeling better than he had since Sarah's phone call.

"Okay, so, what's this year's bad story about Jeff?"

"Dude, there's no way I can top a kid!"

2000

Jensen drove carefully toward the Seaview Inn. The road had been repaved several times over the years, but it was still pretty bumpy, and Jensen did not want to screw up the alignment on his new car.

What hadn't ever been repaved, or even been paved in the first place, was the parking lot of the Inn. Old Mr. Chalmers apparently had something against asphalt, and Jensen navigated it carefully, watching every piece of gravel.

He pulled up in front of the cottage and got out, circling the Boxter to make sure there were no scratches on the cherry red paint. He tsked at the mud puddles, which threatened to get his new white Adidas sneakers dirty.

There were no other cars, so he figured Jared wasn't there yet.

Taking one more pleased look at his car, Jensen approached the cottage, key in hand. But to his surprise, the door opened and Jared came bounding out, a huge smile on his face.

"Dude," he said excitedly, moving right past Jensen and heading straight for the Porsche. "Is this your car?"

He had the door open and was sliding into the driver's seat before Jensen could get the word yes out of his mouth.

"Oh, man, this is sweet!" Jared burbled. He sent an amused glance Jensen's way. "Is this your mid-life crisis, Jensen?"

"Hey," Jensen retorted, straightening up from where he'd been peering into the car at Jared, his hand on the open door.

"Well, I guess it's better than a twenty year-old blonde with big tits," Jared laughed.

"You want to get laid this weekend, or not?" Jensen growled. He looked around the parking lot. "Where's your car?" Jared usually rented one at the airport when he flew in from Buffalo.

Jared shrugged. "I took a cab. Cheaper than renting a car for a whole weekend." He got out of Jensen's car with a last approving look. "I was hoping you could drive me to the airport Monday morning."

"Sure, Jay, whatever you need." They walked into the cottage together.

"It's just - well, raising a kid is expensive, you know? Do you have any idea how much piano lessons cost?" Jared shook his head. He threw himself down on to the couch, then looked at Jensen as if he was seeing him for the first time, now that the car wasn't there to distract him. "Looking good, Jen," he leered, "I like the glasses. Although," he cocked his head, "What in the hell are you wearing?"

Jensen looked down at his navy blue track suit, with the white stripes up the legs that matched his shoes. "What do you mean?" He unconsciously sucked in his stomach.

"I mean," Jared got to his feet again and took a step or two closer to Jensen. "I mean, why are you dressed like a hot gym teacher?" He reached out and took hold of the top part of the outfit, fingering the material between his fingers. "Or a rap star? Where's your gold chains?"

Jensen flushed. "Hey, maybe we're a bit more fashion forward in LA than y'all are in Buffalo." Jared smirked. "Okay, maybe I didn't think it through." He looked down at his feet. "Maybe the shoes are a bit much." He stepped back and crossed his arms defensively across his chest. "I think I go great with my car."

Jared just stared at him, and then burst into laughter, falling back on the couch. "Oh, Jensen, oh my god, I love you so much. Never change."

Jensen waited until Jared could breath again before he said, "Well, at least I don't look like I'm about to build a dining room table." He gestured at Jared's carpenter pants, which had about a million loops and pockets all over them.

That just set Jared off again. Jensen watched him, his face red with tears of laughter on his cheeks, and smiled. Jeff had the best laugh, but Jared's was a close second.

"I missed you, man."

"Me, too." They smiled at each other like two giant saps.

As they walked over for dinner, Jensen realized that Jared was favoring his right leg. Not a lot, but enough for Jensen to notice.

"Hey, man, what's up with your leg?"

"Abby's playing soccer now," Jared said, his eyes lighting up enough to rival the sunset. "I'm the assistant coach for her team, and, well, I was trying to show them how to run and I tripped." He held the door open and ushered Jensen in ahead of him.

Jensen turned around and laughed as they made their way to their usual table. "Dude, little kids already know how to run. It's what they do."

Jared sat down, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah?"

"What? I have three nephews." Jensen shook out his napkin and spread it out over his lap. "Wait, what did you trip over?"

Jared blushed. "Just some grass." He looked up. "My feet, okay? Chad thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen."

"Don't pout. Man, I wish I could have seen that." Jensen laughed again. The waiter came over to take their order, and Jensen sighed. Without even looking at the menu, he said, "I'll have the grilled salmon, steamed asparagus, and a green salad with the dressing on the side."

Jared just stared. "Dude, that's so wrong." He looked up at the waiter. "I'll have a t-bone, rare, a baked potato with sour cream," - he looked over at Jensen and winked - "and a green salad with the dressing on the side." Jensen made a face. "Hey, I can take care of my coronary arteries, too."

"Yeah," Jensen said, and sighed again. "Jeff's been having some...issues. His heart - we've just been trying to eat healthy stuff."

Jared nodded. "Probably a good idea."

"He's doing okay now." Jensen really didn't want to talk about it. "So, anyway, I guess that's the bad story about Jeff this year."

The waiter brought their beers and they clinked the bottles together in their usual toast before they drank.

"What's the good story about Chad?" Jensen asked, wanting to change the subject.

"There is none." Jared said it with a straight face, and then cracked up. The rest of the meal was filled with stories about Chad and Abby, and Jared's happy laughter filled the dining room.

"So," Jared said, after ordering a piece of apple pie with cinnamon ice cream for dessert, and goading Jensen into doing the same, "tell me about the boys. How's Logan like high school?"

"He likes it," Jensen shrugged. "Josh says he wants to try out for both the debate team and the golf team." He waited for what he knew was coming.

"The golf team? Oh my god, Jensen, you've corrupted him. He thinks golf is a sport!" Jared's face when he heard what he said, when he realized his word choice, was priceless. "Jen - I didn't mean -"

"Relax, Jay. Nobody thinks I'm going to corrupt my nephews with my gayness. They all got over it a long time ago. Even my dad -" Jensen swallowed. "My dad died this year." He put up a hand to forestall Jared's reaction. "It's okay. He was sick for a while. It was a blessing when he went." Jensen told himself that everyday. He knew it was true, but he wondered if the day would ever come when he would actually mean it.

Jared reached across the table and covered Jensen's hand with his own. Jensen smiled gratefully.

"Anyway, Dad came around a while ago. He and Jeff got to be pretty good friends. So, golf is the only way I've corrupted Logan, although you're the only one who thinks that's a bad thing."

The apple pie came, and it was heavenly. Jensen ate half of his and shoved his plate over to let Jared finish it. He chewed and swallowed blissfully, while Jensen told him all about how his nephew Lincoln wanted to be an artist like his Uncle Jeff.

2005

Jared had been at the cottage for almost three hours before Jensen finally showed up. It was almost dark, and Jared was out on the deck overlooking the Pacific, watching the sun slip beneath the horizon. He stared at the pink clouds and wondered if this was going to be the year Jensen didn't show up.

They never talked about the possibility, ever, that either one of them might just not show up someday. They had each other's email addresses and phone numbers, but after a long, heartfelt discussion, they decided to only use those in an emergency.

Jared loved Jensen, and he knew Jensen loved him. But he couldn't let them creep over into his real life, and he knew Jensen felt the same. If they started to email and IM and call and text, the line would blur until it would be impossible to see it.

Jared poured himself another scotch. He swirled the amber liquid around in the glass, watching the splash of water he added slowly mix with the scotch.

By the time Jensen arrived, Jared was well into the bottle of Glenlivet he'd brought with him. He hadn't moved from the deck, although the sun had set at least an hour ago. Swallowing the last of his drink, he stood, turning to face the French doors that led inside.

"Hey, Jay, sorry I'm late. It was a bitch getting out of LA, and then there was an accident, and I swear, I feel like I've been sitting traffic for about a year." Jensen dropped his suitcase next to the couch and started toward the deck.

"You could have called."

Jensen stopped, looking surprised. "What?"

"You ever heard of calling when you're going to be late?" Jared was distantly aware that his anger was directed at the wrong person, but he couldn't bring himself to give a fuck. "Then I wouldn't have had to sit here for hours, wondering where the hell you were."

Jensen narrowed his eyes. "Well, at least you made good use of your time."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jared took a step or two into the room.

Jensen gestured to the empty glass Jared still held in his hand. "And you used to be such a fun drunk." His mouth was tight with disapproval.

"I'm not drunk." Jared snapped. "I'm fine. You're just late."

"Uh huh. I'm going over to the dining room to grab a sandwich. I missed lunch," Jensen said flatly. "Maybe you could, I don't know, take a cold shower while I'm gone, sober up, or something."

"Maybe you could go fuck yourself," Jared snarled. "And maybe not be so self-righteous while you're at it." Jensen didn't answer him, he just walked away, looking furious.

Jared watched him go, then turned and threw his glass against the wall. His shoulders slumped and he sighed. He was an asshole.

Throwing glasses was all very well as a dramatic gesture, but then there was broken glass to clean up. Jared managed to end up with only one small cut on the tip of his finger.

Jared went into the bathroom, but decided if he took a shower, he'd probably fall and crack his head open. He settled for sticking his head in the sink and tuning on the cold water.

By the time Jensen got back, Jared was parked on the couch, damp towel around his neck, sitting with his elbows on his knees, trying to wrap a bandaid around his bleeding finger. He watched as Jensen carefully placed several sandwiches and two bottles of water on the table.

"Hey," Jared said.

Jensen stood still, his hands on the table, then he straightened his shoulders and turned around.

"What is it, Jay? What's going on?" His eyes were sympathetic, which only made Jared feel worse.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Jen."

"I know." Jensen came over and sat down next to him. "Tell me." He bumped Jared with his shoulder, then took Jared's hand in his and placed the bandaid carefully over the cut. "Idiot," he said, shaking his head.

"Sarah got married a couple of months ago, and her husband's a homophobic asshole who decided he didn't want his wife sharing custody of her daughter with two gay men."

"Excuse me?"

Jared nodded. "Sarah's not going to do anything stupid, but it still sucks."

"Sounds like she already did something stupid, by marrying a jerk."

Jared gave a watery chuckle. "I hate that she married the son of a bitch. He says shit to Abby all the time about her two fag dads. She's thirteen, it's not as if she doesn't have enough to deal with. Chad keeps wanting to kick his ass."

"I could come help," Jensen offered, his eyes steely.

Jared smiled gratefully. "Thanks. It's tempting, but I keep telling Chad that if he ends up in jail, Abby's stuck with the asshole twenty-four/seven."

"True," Jensen conceded. "Still..."

"Yeah," Jared said. "Listen, Jensen, I'm sorry I took it out on you. I've just been so goddamned angry.

"I don't blame you. And it's fine, I can take it." Jensen grinned at Jared. "I can take a lot, you know," he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Jared laughed. He couldn't help himself. He was still pissed and worried and just so damn frustrated, but the situation wasn't going to get settled this weekend, and right now, he was with Jensen.

"I got you a roast beef with lots of onions," Jensen said, waving a sandwich at Jared. "Come on, eat something, and then I'll let you make out with me with onion breath."

"Deal," Jared said, reaching for the sandwich. "Gimme one of those waters, I need to hydrate."

"Dilute the scotch, is more like," Jensen said, but there was no censure in his voice, only fond affection.

"How's Jeff?" Jared asked around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Retired," Jensen answered succinctly.

"Is that good or bad?"

Jensen took a thoughtful sip of his water. "Well, it's good for his health. Graphics is so competitive now, and even with his client base, the strain was starting to show." He shrugged. "And when I get home from work, it's nice to find him relaxed and rested, instead of stressed and frustrated."

"But?"

"But he's bored, obviously. I think it's time for a puppy."

Jared grinned around his sandwich. "I think that's an excellent plan."

"Being the head of the clinic now means longer hours for me. I'm trying to think of ways to cut back, be home more often." Jensen didn't say that he was well aware of their age difference and that he was terrified at the idea of time running out. "I don't want to waste time Jeff and I could be spending together sitting at a desk making out schedules."

"You'll figure something out. I have faith in you."

"You always have," Jensen said, realizing it was true. "It means a lot."

Jared shrugged. "We're just good for each other, I think."

Jensen raised his water bottle in a toast. "To us."

Jared solemnly did the same. "To us."

2011

Jensen almost didn't go to the cottage this year. He'd also almost called Jared three months ago, which was something he'd never done before. Technology was a tempting bitch, but they had managed to resist it all these years. They'd always agreed they didn't need the added complications.

But now...

So he thought about calling, but he didn't, and he thought about not going, but he went. He pictured the look on Jared's face when he realized Jensen wasn’t coming, and he thought about Jared waiting for him alone by the sea.

He'd be worried at first, thinking about traffic accidents or illness.

Then he'd be disappointed, maybe sad, possibly even angry.

So, no, Jensen couldn't do it. He packed his suitcase in the silence of his home, a silence he still wasn’t used to, then he loaded up the car and started out on the road from LA.

He got lost in the music he listened to as he drove, in the playlist on his iPod that had all of Jeff's favorite songs, and he arrived at the Seaside Inn before he knew it. Climbing out of the car in the graveled lot, Jensen stretched his back. It bothered him more these days than it used to.

For the past three months he'd been feeling his age, becoming more cognizant of the fragility of the human body than he really wanted to be. He was going to be 60 next year, and while that number had never scared him before, it did now.

What he needed was Jared, right now, with his vitality and still-youthful outlook on life. Jensen was suddenly relieved that he decided to come.

He found the cottage ready for their arrival, with the windows opened to allow the sea breeze in and fresh flowers on the table. Jensen shoved his suitcase in the bedroom and sank gratefully into the couch cushions to wait for Jared.

He must have dozed off, because the next thing he was aware of was a loud, wet kiss on his forehead. Jensen startled awake, and seeing Jared's smiling face had him blinking back unexpected tears.

"Hey," Jared said softly. He sat down next to Jensen and pulled him into a hug. "You looked so peaceful I almost didn't have the heart to wake you up."

Jensen smiled. "I never mind you waking me up."

"Now that's a bald-faced lie, Ackles, and you know it," Jared said. "You hate to be woken up."

"Only early in the morning, and only by you shaking your wet hair at me," Jensen answered.

Jared smiled back at him, but there were new lines around Jared's mouth, and when Jensen looked closer, he saw sadness lurking in his eyes.

He had no idea what Jared saw when he looked at Jensen, but they both kind of sat there smiling gently at each other like the worst saps in the world. They'd never outgrown their tendency to do that.

"Hey," Jensen said, attempting to lighten the mood. "You hungry? I could eat a horse, myself. Long drive, you know?"

Jared nodded. "Me, too." He hesitated and Jensen saw uncertainty on his face. There was something going on, but Jensen could wait. Jared would tell him about whatever it was when he was ready. "Long drive, I mean." He looked down for a minute, then looked back at Jensen. "And of course I'm hungry. When have you ever known me not to be hungry?"

"Well," Jensen said, allowing Jared's attempt at deflecting for now. "There was that one time you got food poisoning from the bad turkey. What was that, nine or ten years ago?"

Jared shuddered at the memory. "Haven't eaten turkey since. Strictly beef for this guy." He laughed at Jensen. "You guys still eating all healthy and shit? Fish and chicken and vegetables?"

Jensen felt that same swooping drop he'd been feeling for the past three months, that jolt of adrenaline every time he remembered.

He nodded. "Lots of fish," he agreed, trying for a chuckle and failing miserably.

"Jen?" Jared asked, concern in his voice.

Jensen wasn't ready to say it out loud yet, and Jared wasn't the only one who knew how to deflect. "So," he said. "It was a long drive for you, too?" As far as he knew, the airport Jared usually flew into was only an hour from here. "You drove all the way from Buffalo?"

Jared shook his head, scooting sideways on the couch, tucking his leg up under him and facing Jensen. Jensen turned, too, mirroring Jared’s position, leaning back against the armrest. He waited, knowing this was something important. Knowing Jared.

"I moved. I don't live in Buffalo anymore." Jared looked down at his hands.

"What? Why? When did this happen? Is Chad all right? Abby?" It wasn’t unheard of for people to change where they live, but this seemed like more than just a simple move.

"Whoa," Jared laughed, although there wasn't much humor in it. He held up his hands defensively. "One question at a time, dude."

"Sorry," Jensen said. He cocked his head at Jared. "It's okay, you don't have to -"

"No, it's fine." Jared took a deep breath. "I'm…between places right now. I've been staying with Meggie in San Antonio." He raised his head and met Jensen's eyes. "Chad left me. Or I left Chad." He shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, we left each other."

Jensen had no idea what to say, where to start. So he started with the question he knew without a doubt was the most important one to Jared. "How's Abby doing?"

"She's pissed, mostly at Chad. He's not her favorite person right now, but she'll get over it. He's her father." Jared looked unbearably sad.

"So are you, dipshit," Jensen said, leaning forward to swat at Jared's shoulder with the back of his hand.

"No, I know. She started college. She's at Stanford," Jared said, and the pride in his voice was evident. "I'm thinking about moving to California, maybe San Francisco. She says she's fine out here, but I just kind of need to be closer to her than I would be in New York, and there's no reason for me to stay in Buffalo."

Jared looked so lost, Jensen wasn't sure what to say.

"C'mere," he said, grabbing Jared's shoulder and pulling him into a hug. Jared came easily, burying his face in Jensen's neck. They sat and breathed together for a while, and then Jared moved back with a tenuous smile that actually reached his eyes this time.

"Can I just -" he slid his hand down Jensen's side, fingers closing over his right hip. I just really need -" Jared blinked, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "I need you," he said simply. "I missed you so much."

Jensen's breath caught in his throat. He wasn't sure he could do this. Not now, not so soon. And then he looked at Jared's face, at the sadness in his eyes, and felt a a fierce love for this man who meant so much to him.

He nodded. "I missed you, too."

They didn't make it off the couch. It wasn’t that they weren't still capable of athletic sex, they weren't that old, but after all these years, the familiar and the comfortable were just as satisfying.

Jensen took great pleasure in pushing Jared back against the couch cushions and unbuttoning his shirt slowly, pushing the material out of his way as he went. He took his time, with gentle kisses and soft touches that had Jared breathless within minutes.

"Jensen, please."

"Shhh," Jensen said. "Hang on, Jay. I'll get you there."

He swung his leg across Jared's and straddled his lap, grinding down until Jared tucked his head into Jensen's neck and groaned, "Shit, Jen."

"I know," Jensen said. "Come on, baby, it's okay."

Jensen managed to get both of their pants unzipped, the feel of Jared's cock in his hand so familiar it made his eyes sting. He gripped both their cocks, jerking them off together, and when Jared's hand joined his, he caught his breath and came, while Jared tensed and said Jensen's name like it was the most important word in the world.

Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen's back and held him close. Jensen let him, and they sat tangled together until Jensen's knees started to protest.

"Let me up," he said, "or I won't be able to walk."

Jared laughed and let him go, helping him up.

"I thought you were hungry," Jensen said, stretching, feeling the burn of muscles that hadn't been used in too long.

"I was," Jared grinned.

They got cleaned up and walked hand-in-hand over to the restaurant.

Jared toyed with his beer, picking at the label, and Jensen said, "You want to talk about it?"

"I guess." He didn't say anything for a few minutes, and Jensen waited patiently. "We just got tired. We got tired of each other. All the years, all the shit we've dealt with, and we just...couldn't do it any more." He looked at Jensen with a sad smile. "Nothing dramatic, see? He just gave up, and so I did, too."

Jensen nodded. "I'm sorry, Jay."

"Yeah, me, too." Their food came and claimed their attention.

"So, San Francisco, huh?" Jensen said after a while, pushing his grilled tilapia around on the plate. Jared was right, he was so used to eating chicken and fish that he couldn't remember the last time he'd had a steak. He usually didn't miss it, didn't give it a second thought, but all of a sudden he fiercely wanted a juicy t-bone, rare and practically bleeding.

Jared shrugged. "Maybe."

Jensen looked over at Jared's empty plate, and he abruptly shoved back his chair and stood up.

"Come on. They know which cottage to bill for dinner."

He grabbed Jared's wrist and tugged him out of the dining room, across the graveled parking lot and up the steps to their cottage. He opened the door and pushed Jared in, following so closely on his heels he was practically plastered to his back.

"LA," he said. "Move to LA."

"What?"

"We'd be in the same city," Jensen said. He'd never thought they could do that. It would have been too hard to have Jared so close all these years. But now, now it seemed like the only thing they could possibly do.

"Jensen?"

Jensen sighed and sat carefully down on the couch. "I need to tell you -" he broke off. He still had trouble saying it out loud. He took a deep breath and started again. "I need to tell you this year's bad story about Jeff."

Jared watched him anxiously.

"Three months ago, Jeff had another heart attack. He - he didn't make it this time." Jared stared at him, a look of absolute shock on his face.

"What do you mean he -?"

"He died, Jared. The fucker died and left me all alone with his damn dog."

Jensen had only cried once since Jeff's death. He'd been dry-eyed in the hospital when they came out to tell him, and he'd been dry-eyed when he'd called his brother and Jeff's sister. He'd even been dry-eyed at the memorial service, and when he'd gotten Jeff's ashes from the crematorium.

Jensen had taken Bessie, the mixed Lab mutt Jensen had given Jeff when he retired, out to the hills where they had spent so much time over the years, with all of Jeff's beloved dogs, laughing at their antics as they ran ahead on the trails, chasing squirrels and chipmunks.

Jensen had scattered Jeff's ashes along the trail, while Bessie barked excitedly at every squirrel she could find. Even then, he hadn't cried, just said a sad goodbye to the man he'd shared so much of his life with.

The only time he'd broken down was when he got home from the hospital that very first day. Bessie barked a welcome and then looked around for Jeff, sniffing at Jensen's legs as if Jeff was hiding behind him, waiting to spring out and greet her, to tell her what a good dog she was. Jensen lost it then, alone in his dark and empty house.

He'd picked up the phone and called his mother. She sat on the phone with him for an hour, until he'd exhausted himself with his tears.

He hadn't cried since, although his chest had been tight with the need.

But now, in Jared's arms, Jensen felt safe enough to let go, to cry for how alone he was now, how sad he was without Jeff. Jared held him through it, whispering how sorry he was over and over, Jensen's sobs muffled in Jared's shoulder.

"You should have called me, Jen. I would have been there, I would have done anything you needed," Jared whispered.

Jensen nodded. He’d thought about it, had picked up the phone half a dozen times in the past month alone. He'd wanted to hear Jared's voice so badly he ached with it, but he also knew he needed to mourn Jeff first, before he could go to Jared.

He owed Jeff that.

When he finally pulled back, he was exhausted.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," Jared said. Jared helped him undress, and soon he was between blessedly cool sheets, Jared wrapped around him.

"That's the worst story about Jeff you've ever told," Jared finally said.

Jensen snorted. "Your story about Chad wasn't so great, either."

"LA, huh?"

"Yeah." Jensen couldn't help the hope he felt. "Please," he whispered, not sure if Jared could even hear him.

"I like LA," Jared said, and he kissed Jensen on the temple. Jensen sighed and shifted in Jared's arms, moving closer and pretending he wasn't clinging for dear life.

"Good," he said.