ficpost: "Akin to Revelation" Dawn/Kaylee, Firefly ensemble
Title: "Akin to Revelation"
Fandoms: Firefly and Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Kaylee/Dawn
Other pairings: Zoe/Wash as per canon, lots of random boys lusting, hints of CSI, and a bit of Kaylee-loves-everybody (why can't there be a clever acronym for that? It's so very canon.)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Timeline: Post-"Objects in Space," with, um, some spoilers for S5 BtVS
Disclaimer: Joss owns all the good stuff.
Notes: For settiai (with whom I seem always to be trading stories) in the femslash_minis Dawn round
Summary: A mistake at this juncture could mean the apocalypse, but jealousy is rampant and the puzzle has one piece too many.
Words: 3636
Akin to Revelation
Simon waited one minute, two minutes, three. Still no sound of her, nothing more than the faint scrabbling of her feet against metal. He knocked once, twice. "Mei-mei?"
"Busy," she said, very distinctly. "Mind your own business." He stared at the door for a long time before retreating to the infirmary. For many reasons, he would have preferred to stay with his sister, but she had been behaving oddly lately. Oddly for River, which was, in Captain Reynold's words, "time to call the kindly men in the long white coats if she were ordinary folk." River was not ordinary.
No matter how many times he reminded himself of that, it never seemed to register until River was locked in his bunk, pacing back and forth so silently he was frightened she might have stopped moving altogether. She was not the sister he'd sent away to the Academy, not the sister he'd taught and loved, not the sister who'd mocked her way through his childhood. She was strange, and growing stranger.
Perhaps it was because she was caught in a perpetual puberty of the soul. Sometimes even the simplest of tests would yield results so abnormal he'd have to sit down -- and then he'd remember. She's just a teenaged girl. Her results are supposed to be all over the charts.
It wasn't right that River had to fight her way to adulthood locked inside her altered, addled brain. When he looked at the crew's other women -- the adult women, Inara and Zoe, and the girls-becoming-women, Kaylee and Dawn -- when he looked at them, then closed his eyes and imagined River standing with them, not skewed to the side the way she always seemed to be in crowds -- he felt the heartache of loss all over again. She should be playing games with Kaylee and Dawn -- well, not that kind of game, he corrected himself quickly -- learning from Zoe how to be strong and from Inara how to be wise.
She shouldn't be locked in his bunk. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It was all his fault.
++
"This is so unfair." Dawn twirled a long strand of sticky protein that mighta once been beef around her finger. "Why do we always get stuck with kitchen duty?"
"Men are pigs," Kaylee said. "And last time Jayne tried to cook for us, we all near got killed of food poisoning."
"Now, how is it possible to prepare this stuff wrong?" Dawn stared suspiciously at the protein. "It's like, designed to be idiot-proof."
"Guess they never tested it on Jayne."
Dawn laughed, rolled her eyes at the bowl where she was trying to make their dinner edible, then, inspired suddenly, grabbed a handful of the spice-and-protein and rushed towards Kaylee, who was just fast enough to duck under her arms and ended up sprawled over the table.
"Well now! What am I interrupting?"
Jayne looked decidedly pleased with himself.
"Just fixin' dinner," said Kaylee, still bent over the table.
"Iffin' I'd known that's how it were done, I'd a' volunteered to help long ago."
"Yeah, right." Dawn put her hands on her hips. "Clear out. Dinner needs to be fixed, and you are so very far from helpful."
"Guess that showed him, huh?" Jayne generally retreated swiftly when threatened, though whether he was afraid of them or of Mal finding out he'd been bothering them was definitely debatable.
Dawn laughed again and looked around for something to wipe her hands on. Seemed she was always dirty and grimy, covered in things that weren't meant to touch human skin. One of the negative effects of your gal becoming ship's mechanic. "Hey!"
"Sorry," said Kaylee, looking not even slightly sorry that she'd wiped her own dirty hands on Dawn's shirt. "Couldn't resist."
"Now I'm covered in this stuff. Ugh."
"We could sneak double shares of water, take a sponge bath. Maybe 'Nara would --"
Dawn rolled her eyes. Kaylee'd fallen pretty much hopelessly in love with Inara when she arrived on board, and never really stopped loving her. She'd also fallen in love with Simon when he arrived, and if River hadn't been so crazy and the Shepherd so, well -- Bookish -- she was pretty sure Kaylee'd have fallen for them too. That was okay, though, because in her heart of hearts, Dawn knew, Kaylee loved only her. That was something you could depend on about Kaylee. She smiled, relaxed.
"Sponge bath? Please?"
"Okay, sure. We'll ask Inara. No problem."
Kaylee smiled brilliantly. "There'll be something shiny in your future, trust me."
"There could be -- backrubs. Footrubs."
"Neckrubs," Kaylee added, then stopped when she saw Wash.
"Don't let me interrupt, please. Is Zoe around? Is there time for a quick--?"
"I'm here."
"Maybe later," Wash mouthed.
"In your dreams," Zoe told him. "Thanks for cookin', girls. Looks wonderful."
People came to the mess from every part of the ship. It was Kaylee's favorite time, Dawn knew, because it was the only thing out here that reminded her of family dinners back home. The safety of everyone in one place was definitely appealing, though a part of Dawn felt, even after years of being Kaylee's onliest, that she couldn't share her girl's affection with all of them. As if Kaylee didn't have enough love to go around and still a surfeit reserved just for Dawn.
++
River didn't attend the dinner. They were too many people. More people than there were meant to be. She understood most of it, but there was too much that she didn't understand, too many pieces of the puzzle. Once when she'd still been Simon's sister, she'd tried to do a puzzle that was too hard for her, double-sided and all one color, and she'd thrown the pieces everywhere in frustration, thrown herself on top of the scattered pieces, and cried, cried, cried until Simon had told her that the puzzle was really two puzzles, accidentally dumped into one box when he'd been tidying his room.
The fragmented world of Serenity was more complicated even than that. She understood and didn't understand, snatches of secrets and conversations and rutting, rutting, rutting. Easy if it was just Zoe and Wash; they were meant to be. Kaylee and Dawn, they were also meant to be, but not the same. There was something wrong about them, something River couldn't see except with others' eyes, with Inara's secret (potential. watcher. slayer. potential slayer. watcher), with Book's knowledge (once, before Earth-that-was was devoured by the chasm, there was a key that held all the dimensions together, and the key was made flesh, and she dwelt among them. She was a sister.)
The key was a sister, like River was a sister, and yet not. And yet if the key was among them, then -- it wasn't her. It couldn't be her. If it was her, then why were her insides falling out? Couldn't they have done a better job of building her?
Who was the piece, which was the one? It was like a children's game; musical chairs. There would be room in the vessel for all but one, and if she was the one, she could drift away from them forever. It wouldn't be so bad to die like that, breathing vacuum.
River screamed.
++
Book reached her first, perhaps because he'd been expecting to hear this scream for days, ever since he felt the subtle shift in perception that meant the spell had happened.
"Why?"
"River. You must be quiet." He was surprised when she instantly obeyed, and almost shocked when the door clicked open.
"If I am quiet, will you tell the truth?
"I won't lie," Book told her. "Just keep quiet, please. You're bothering your brother."
"Is it me?"
He looked at her, pretending carefully that he didn't understand. "Can you clarify?"
"Is. It. Me. Why am I here?"
Book sighed deeply. "If I knew, River, I probably wouldn't be sitting by you. I'd be sitting a good deal back from whoever it was, watching. Waiting. But as it is, we don't know. It's one of the safeguards in the magic, what went wrong last time."
"Last time it was a girl," River recited, and Book felt himself chill. Why hadn't he recalled River's... abilities? That was closer to a mistake than a miscalculation, and at a time so crucial, a miscalculation was more than deadly. It was apocalyptic.
"The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful1."
"River." She didn't respond this time, but kept staring at him, through him, head cocked.
"Well, you have a brainful of impure thoughts. When we open the door to the temple, surely you won't be coming with us." She almost laughed. "But you're telling me the truth." Her chin touched her chest in gratitude. "Simon will be grateful. He prefers when people are truthful with me. He doesn't know yet that honesty is a nasty habit."
"I truly don't know, River. I thought -- I thought maybe you did."
She laughed too loudly. "Magic's too powerful for you, isn't it? You outwitted yourselves, and now you're upriver." The pun seemed to slip by her, or else it had been intentional. There wasn't any knowing, and it was dangerous to be here any longer.
"Would you accept a blessing?"
"No."
Better not to push his luck. He was careful to close the door behind him when he left.
++
Inara wasn't at dinner either, not that anyone bothered to notice. She was quite proud of being able to make her absence as unnoticeable as her presence, though really, she supposed she had River to thank. She was in the process of shaking her head when two heads poked into the shuttle. Of course. Kaylee and her constant companion. The pun made her smile; the sight of the girls made her worried, and the resulting expression was (hopefully) unreadable and kind. "Hello, girls. I'm sorry I missed dinner."
"Don't be sorry. Be grateful. It was gross," Dawn flopped onto the couch, and Kaylee followed her, only slightly more graceful.
"Well, what brings you here?"
"We need baths," Dawn said, just as Kaylee announced, "River had a bad spell during dinner."
At once Inara was alert, and not just because it was important that she trust Kaylee's instincts. River wasn't something anyone had warned her about, but she was certainly a liability. "Tell me."
"She just up 'n' started screaming. Simon figures she was just upset at being alone so long, but I think it's more than that."
"And annoying," Dawn added. "Totally interrupted a really good story Jayne was telling about this one time he was trapped alone with two girls and had to --"
"Good story, I'm sure," Inara said, and turned back to Kaylee without thinking. "Tell me what she was screaming."
"I couldn't make it out, really -- Book got to her first -- but it sounded serious."
Conflicting impulses tore through her, faster than she could control. To be gentle, subtle, easing information out of Kaylee so carefully neither she nor Dawn realized what was happening -- but she had to have this information quickly, should probably already be interrogating River -- she almost threw her hands up in frustration. Almost. "Did the Shepherd say anything to you?"
"Nope. He was real quiet when he got back to the table, grabbed some grub and left for his quarters."
"Hmm." Dawn stared at her openly, and with one of the many layers of mind she had available, she contemplated the series of lessons Dawn needed -- in sitting still, in being demure, in being careful. Kaylee was just as uncultured as Dawn, but she never inspired the same professorial feelings that Dawn did. There was something in Dawn's behavior that was rough where Kaylee was all curves. And of course, the training she had in mind for Kaylee was more -- complicated. "If I leave you alone for a few minutes, will you be careful?"
"Can we use the bath stuff? Dawn needs to be washed off." Kaylee's grin melted all the uncharitable thoughts she'd had about Dawn.
"Of course." She kissed each girl before hurrying out of her shuttle, towards River, towards -- not answers, surely, but perhaps some questions she hadn't thought of yet.
++
Kaylee believed in the moment. Whichever moment it was, she believed in it wholeheartedly and entirely. Helped, of course, if the moment was perfect to begin with, and nothing spelled perfection like Inara's bath salts and sliding her fingers through Dawn's long hair, slipping sweet-smelling soap between long strands of brown hair. "It's nice here," she muttered. Nice enough so that Dawn could slide down against her, so that she became half of a blessed tangle of limbs and curves. Wasn't very often they were alone enough for this; usually Serenity was demanding attention or the rest of the crew were in their path, always watching, wanting to see them kiss (in Jayne's case) or make sure they were all shiny and good (in Inara's). Didn't matter their intentions; if folks took too much of an interest in Dawn, she got twitchy, and that made Kaylee twitchy in return.
"How long do we have before she gets back? Time for this?"
Kaylee pushed her hand away gently and shook her head. "Not really, Dawnie. She could be back -- oh. Hi, 'Nara. Hi... River."
"Well?" Inara didn't look at her, and not because she wasn't wearing much. Kaylee could tell; this was the kind of not looking that meant Inara had a secret or a shame.
"Something odd," River said, and her voice was scarier than Kaylee'd ever heard it, and that was saying quite a bit. "Something strange." She pointed, and Kaylee covered Dawn's breasts protectively, feeling as she did so a slight tremor of fear that her hands weren't broad or skilled enough to save her girl. She believed in the moment, and this moment was terror. Dawn's back went rigid with fear.
"Dawn, there's something we need to -- here. Dry off. No, you too, Kaylee. There's something you both need to be told. River, you can go." Kaylee had never seen Inara so straightforward, so commanding. She stepped into a warm towel without thinking.
"I suppose I should start with --"
"In the beginning," River said, half to Inara, half to herself, "there was one girl in all the world." Words didn't generally make Kaylee take note, but those words felt like Inara's hands on her hair, like Simon laughing at where she came from. Comforting and cold all at once.
Inara sighed deeply, touched Kaylee with an unaccustomed gentleness. "I don't think you're going to like to hear this, Dawn. Kaylee -- I don't know. There are too many secrets, have been for too long." And those were the words that finally made River leave, and made Kaylee clutch more tightly at Dawn's hand. Something was wrong, something even Inara couldn't fix.
++
River could walk very slowly when she wanted to, and she wanted to. She didn't want to go running back to Simon's arms like a baby, and she wanted to hear when Inara told Kaylee, told Dawn. She took a deep breath and bit down the anger at Dawn's name. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, that Dawn was the piece who didn't fit.
Dawn had Kaylee. They shared a bunk; they shared their girl-secrets, their girl-ways. Dawn had been on the ship for years. She'd grown into Serenity, curved into her curves like any tree would when forced, like any body would. She adapted herself to her accommodations. It wasn't right that she shouldn't fit. River didn't fit.
But she wasn't energy, wasn't green, didn't glow. There was no excuse for her, no reason except the misfit of her own mind in her own brain, her own brain in her own head.
She wanted to scream again when she heard Dawn's first wail of disbelief, when she heard the chant of "I'm real, I'm real, I'm real."
Trade you, she thought. They did that, at first. Traded snacks for puzzles, quizzes and games for trinkets from home, before the mail call stopped altogether. Trade you. If Dawn could be real for awhile, and she could be fake, then they'd both have won. It would be nice, to win something, to take a prize home for Simon, a stuffed animal, cotton candy, something frivolous and fun.
It would be nice.
++
"What's going to happen?" Dawn asked Inara in a small voice, but Inara shook her head. "It depends on Kaylee, really, and on Book, and on too many variables. There's far too much to discuss now... but it really depends on Kaylee, on whether she's called, and when."
"I don't understand," Kaylee said again. "It's not really me, is it?"
"Not yet" Inara told her. "But it could be, any moment. If Ling dies -- I'm sorry."
"And you..."
Inara shook her head. "We will talk about it. Tomorrow." Kaylee didn't know why she'd never noticed that Inara could do this; she'd really believed Inara lived in the dreamworld of Companionship. She wasn't sure if she really liked her better as a Watcher. Wait and see, she decided. Better to listen now, anyhow -- Dawn was almost asleep on her shoulder, though she kept startling, blinking in amazement that she was still here.
"Well. Bed then, Dawnie?"
"Too tired for bed," Dawn muttered, and Inara laughed her familiar, soft laugh.
"Need a hand?"
"Nah, I got her." She took a deep breath. "After all, that's what I'm here for, right? To protect her?"
"It's -- that's close enough to true for tonight. Sleep well, mei-mei."
++
They all had nightmares, nightmares every one. River laughed, choked on sobs, laughed again. She wouldn't dare fall asleep when everyone was having nightmares. She might find herself trapped inside worlds where everyone was little, little and naked and lost. She was lost enough without their nightmares invading her dreams. She sobbed herself awake and listened to heartbeat upon heartbeat, to quiet dreams and still sleep and then the eruption of
why? why can't anyone see me why? I'm not invisible, am I, Kaylee? Am I? AM I? Look at me! Listen to me! I'm real, I'm important; I'm not whatever it is Inara said I was. Why do you have to be the Slayer? Why can't you -- look at me.
No one could see her; no one would dare. Dawn's true form was a thing not meant for human eyes. No one can see you, she whispered to Dawn, whose body (her not real body, her stolen body) was curled around Kaylee, peaceful. No one can see you.
Inara's nightmares weren't eruptions; they were smooth lava-flows of horror. River tried to back away from them, but she never could; she could never let herself stop when she wanted to because she never made herself stop when she didn't want to.
Kaylee. Kaylee, mei-mei, sweetheart, love, don't. Let me -- no.
There were creatures in Inara's dreams River had never seen, creatures and beasts and things she knew didn't really exist, and Kaylee fought them all, killed them, and smiled. The lava of Inara's dreamworld was blood, and it spilled everywhere, covered the floor of Serenity and filled Inara's shuttle with its stench. Inara couldn't stop her and didn't want to; River cuddled close to the wall and pretended she was only telling herself a story. She didn't want worlds like this existing in anyone's head but hers.
Book's dreams were too terrifying for any words she knew; they forced her to hold her knees tightly and find another dream, any dream, even Simon's nightly mare that made her squirm and shudder. And then she slipped, blessedly, into the desert.
"Hi!"
She knew Kaylee could see her. She breathed, and her dream-breath ruffled Kaylee's hair. They stood so close she could see goose flesh. "You're cold."
"I've been walking quite a ways."
"Someone else was supposed to be here, but she couldn't come," River said vaguely, and glanced around her, looking for the words' source. "She got lost."
Kaylee smiled. "I know what that's like. What are you doing in my dream, River? There was -- there was beasts a'plenty, and lots of puzzles, and Inara and... River?"
"Careful. Don't let the dream know you know you're dreaming it. Things have a habit of collapsing on themselves."
"Dawn's not here," Kaylee said. "I looked and looked."
"Gotta protect her." River's voice was cold, her mouth icy.
"I will. I'll do anything -- you can help. You'll hold the gun for me."
"Guns won't kill them when they come. You'll need worse things than guns." Her hand closed around a piece of wood that hadn't been there when she fell asleep.
"But you'll hold them for me." Kaylee's voice was distant and grainy.
"You think you know."
"I...?"
"What's to come. What you are."
The stake fell from her hand and buried itself in desert sand. Kaylee looked at her, waited for her answer, for her promise.
"You haven't even begun."
++++
1. Revelation 21: 24-27, NIV
settiai wanted, um, Dawn/Kaylee, set aboard Serenity, mention of the Key, River curious because of jealous!Simon, no character death or bashing, and PG-13 or lower.
Fandoms: Firefly and Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Kaylee/Dawn
Other pairings: Zoe/Wash as per canon, lots of random boys lusting, hints of CSI, and a bit of Kaylee-loves-everybody (why can't there be a clever acronym for that? It's so very canon.)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Timeline: Post-"Objects in Space," with, um, some spoilers for S5 BtVS
Disclaimer: Joss owns all the good stuff.
Notes: For settiai (with whom I seem always to be trading stories) in the femslash_minis Dawn round
Summary: A mistake at this juncture could mean the apocalypse, but jealousy is rampant and the puzzle has one piece too many.
Words: 3636
Akin to Revelation
Simon waited one minute, two minutes, three. Still no sound of her, nothing more than the faint scrabbling of her feet against metal. He knocked once, twice. "Mei-mei?"
"Busy," she said, very distinctly. "Mind your own business." He stared at the door for a long time before retreating to the infirmary. For many reasons, he would have preferred to stay with his sister, but she had been behaving oddly lately. Oddly for River, which was, in Captain Reynold's words, "time to call the kindly men in the long white coats if she were ordinary folk." River was not ordinary.
No matter how many times he reminded himself of that, it never seemed to register until River was locked in his bunk, pacing back and forth so silently he was frightened she might have stopped moving altogether. She was not the sister he'd sent away to the Academy, not the sister he'd taught and loved, not the sister who'd mocked her way through his childhood. She was strange, and growing stranger.
Perhaps it was because she was caught in a perpetual puberty of the soul. Sometimes even the simplest of tests would yield results so abnormal he'd have to sit down -- and then he'd remember. She's just a teenaged girl. Her results are supposed to be all over the charts.
It wasn't right that River had to fight her way to adulthood locked inside her altered, addled brain. When he looked at the crew's other women -- the adult women, Inara and Zoe, and the girls-becoming-women, Kaylee and Dawn -- when he looked at them, then closed his eyes and imagined River standing with them, not skewed to the side the way she always seemed to be in crowds -- he felt the heartache of loss all over again. She should be playing games with Kaylee and Dawn -- well, not that kind of game, he corrected himself quickly -- learning from Zoe how to be strong and from Inara how to be wise.
She shouldn't be locked in his bunk. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It was all his fault.
++
"This is so unfair." Dawn twirled a long strand of sticky protein that mighta once been beef around her finger. "Why do we always get stuck with kitchen duty?"
"Men are pigs," Kaylee said. "And last time Jayne tried to cook for us, we all near got killed of food poisoning."
"Now, how is it possible to prepare this stuff wrong?" Dawn stared suspiciously at the protein. "It's like, designed to be idiot-proof."
"Guess they never tested it on Jayne."
Dawn laughed, rolled her eyes at the bowl where she was trying to make their dinner edible, then, inspired suddenly, grabbed a handful of the spice-and-protein and rushed towards Kaylee, who was just fast enough to duck under her arms and ended up sprawled over the table.
"Well now! What am I interrupting?"
Jayne looked decidedly pleased with himself.
"Just fixin' dinner," said Kaylee, still bent over the table.
"Iffin' I'd known that's how it were done, I'd a' volunteered to help long ago."
"Yeah, right." Dawn put her hands on her hips. "Clear out. Dinner needs to be fixed, and you are so very far from helpful."
"Guess that showed him, huh?" Jayne generally retreated swiftly when threatened, though whether he was afraid of them or of Mal finding out he'd been bothering them was definitely debatable.
Dawn laughed again and looked around for something to wipe her hands on. Seemed she was always dirty and grimy, covered in things that weren't meant to touch human skin. One of the negative effects of your gal becoming ship's mechanic. "Hey!"
"Sorry," said Kaylee, looking not even slightly sorry that she'd wiped her own dirty hands on Dawn's shirt. "Couldn't resist."
"Now I'm covered in this stuff. Ugh."
"We could sneak double shares of water, take a sponge bath. Maybe 'Nara would --"
Dawn rolled her eyes. Kaylee'd fallen pretty much hopelessly in love with Inara when she arrived on board, and never really stopped loving her. She'd also fallen in love with Simon when he arrived, and if River hadn't been so crazy and the Shepherd so, well -- Bookish -- she was pretty sure Kaylee'd have fallen for them too. That was okay, though, because in her heart of hearts, Dawn knew, Kaylee loved only her. That was something you could depend on about Kaylee. She smiled, relaxed.
"Sponge bath? Please?"
"Okay, sure. We'll ask Inara. No problem."
Kaylee smiled brilliantly. "There'll be something shiny in your future, trust me."
"There could be -- backrubs. Footrubs."
"Neckrubs," Kaylee added, then stopped when she saw Wash.
"Don't let me interrupt, please. Is Zoe around? Is there time for a quick--?"
"I'm here."
"Maybe later," Wash mouthed.
"In your dreams," Zoe told him. "Thanks for cookin', girls. Looks wonderful."
People came to the mess from every part of the ship. It was Kaylee's favorite time, Dawn knew, because it was the only thing out here that reminded her of family dinners back home. The safety of everyone in one place was definitely appealing, though a part of Dawn felt, even after years of being Kaylee's onliest, that she couldn't share her girl's affection with all of them. As if Kaylee didn't have enough love to go around and still a surfeit reserved just for Dawn.
++
River didn't attend the dinner. They were too many people. More people than there were meant to be. She understood most of it, but there was too much that she didn't understand, too many pieces of the puzzle. Once when she'd still been Simon's sister, she'd tried to do a puzzle that was too hard for her, double-sided and all one color, and she'd thrown the pieces everywhere in frustration, thrown herself on top of the scattered pieces, and cried, cried, cried until Simon had told her that the puzzle was really two puzzles, accidentally dumped into one box when he'd been tidying his room.
The fragmented world of Serenity was more complicated even than that. She understood and didn't understand, snatches of secrets and conversations and rutting, rutting, rutting. Easy if it was just Zoe and Wash; they were meant to be. Kaylee and Dawn, they were also meant to be, but not the same. There was something wrong about them, something River couldn't see except with others' eyes, with Inara's secret (potential. watcher. slayer. potential slayer. watcher), with Book's knowledge (once, before Earth-that-was was devoured by the chasm, there was a key that held all the dimensions together, and the key was made flesh, and she dwelt among them. She was a sister.)
The key was a sister, like River was a sister, and yet not. And yet if the key was among them, then -- it wasn't her. It couldn't be her. If it was her, then why were her insides falling out? Couldn't they have done a better job of building her?
Who was the piece, which was the one? It was like a children's game; musical chairs. There would be room in the vessel for all but one, and if she was the one, she could drift away from them forever. It wouldn't be so bad to die like that, breathing vacuum.
River screamed.
++
Book reached her first, perhaps because he'd been expecting to hear this scream for days, ever since he felt the subtle shift in perception that meant the spell had happened.
"Why?"
"River. You must be quiet." He was surprised when she instantly obeyed, and almost shocked when the door clicked open.
"If I am quiet, will you tell the truth?
"I won't lie," Book told her. "Just keep quiet, please. You're bothering your brother."
"Is it me?"
He looked at her, pretending carefully that he didn't understand. "Can you clarify?"
"Is. It. Me. Why am I here?"
Book sighed deeply. "If I knew, River, I probably wouldn't be sitting by you. I'd be sitting a good deal back from whoever it was, watching. Waiting. But as it is, we don't know. It's one of the safeguards in the magic, what went wrong last time."
"Last time it was a girl," River recited, and Book felt himself chill. Why hadn't he recalled River's... abilities? That was closer to a mistake than a miscalculation, and at a time so crucial, a miscalculation was more than deadly. It was apocalyptic.
"The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful1."
"River." She didn't respond this time, but kept staring at him, through him, head cocked.
"Well, you have a brainful of impure thoughts. When we open the door to the temple, surely you won't be coming with us." She almost laughed. "But you're telling me the truth." Her chin touched her chest in gratitude. "Simon will be grateful. He prefers when people are truthful with me. He doesn't know yet that honesty is a nasty habit."
"I truly don't know, River. I thought -- I thought maybe you did."
She laughed too loudly. "Magic's too powerful for you, isn't it? You outwitted yourselves, and now you're upriver." The pun seemed to slip by her, or else it had been intentional. There wasn't any knowing, and it was dangerous to be here any longer.
"Would you accept a blessing?"
"No."
Better not to push his luck. He was careful to close the door behind him when he left.
++
Inara wasn't at dinner either, not that anyone bothered to notice. She was quite proud of being able to make her absence as unnoticeable as her presence, though really, she supposed she had River to thank. She was in the process of shaking her head when two heads poked into the shuttle. Of course. Kaylee and her constant companion. The pun made her smile; the sight of the girls made her worried, and the resulting expression was (hopefully) unreadable and kind. "Hello, girls. I'm sorry I missed dinner."
"Don't be sorry. Be grateful. It was gross," Dawn flopped onto the couch, and Kaylee followed her, only slightly more graceful.
"Well, what brings you here?"
"We need baths," Dawn said, just as Kaylee announced, "River had a bad spell during dinner."
At once Inara was alert, and not just because it was important that she trust Kaylee's instincts. River wasn't something anyone had warned her about, but she was certainly a liability. "Tell me."
"She just up 'n' started screaming. Simon figures she was just upset at being alone so long, but I think it's more than that."
"And annoying," Dawn added. "Totally interrupted a really good story Jayne was telling about this one time he was trapped alone with two girls and had to --"
"Good story, I'm sure," Inara said, and turned back to Kaylee without thinking. "Tell me what she was screaming."
"I couldn't make it out, really -- Book got to her first -- but it sounded serious."
Conflicting impulses tore through her, faster than she could control. To be gentle, subtle, easing information out of Kaylee so carefully neither she nor Dawn realized what was happening -- but she had to have this information quickly, should probably already be interrogating River -- she almost threw her hands up in frustration. Almost. "Did the Shepherd say anything to you?"
"Nope. He was real quiet when he got back to the table, grabbed some grub and left for his quarters."
"Hmm." Dawn stared at her openly, and with one of the many layers of mind she had available, she contemplated the series of lessons Dawn needed -- in sitting still, in being demure, in being careful. Kaylee was just as uncultured as Dawn, but she never inspired the same professorial feelings that Dawn did. There was something in Dawn's behavior that was rough where Kaylee was all curves. And of course, the training she had in mind for Kaylee was more -- complicated. "If I leave you alone for a few minutes, will you be careful?"
"Can we use the bath stuff? Dawn needs to be washed off." Kaylee's grin melted all the uncharitable thoughts she'd had about Dawn.
"Of course." She kissed each girl before hurrying out of her shuttle, towards River, towards -- not answers, surely, but perhaps some questions she hadn't thought of yet.
++
Kaylee believed in the moment. Whichever moment it was, she believed in it wholeheartedly and entirely. Helped, of course, if the moment was perfect to begin with, and nothing spelled perfection like Inara's bath salts and sliding her fingers through Dawn's long hair, slipping sweet-smelling soap between long strands of brown hair. "It's nice here," she muttered. Nice enough so that Dawn could slide down against her, so that she became half of a blessed tangle of limbs and curves. Wasn't very often they were alone enough for this; usually Serenity was demanding attention or the rest of the crew were in their path, always watching, wanting to see them kiss (in Jayne's case) or make sure they were all shiny and good (in Inara's). Didn't matter their intentions; if folks took too much of an interest in Dawn, she got twitchy, and that made Kaylee twitchy in return.
"How long do we have before she gets back? Time for this?"
Kaylee pushed her hand away gently and shook her head. "Not really, Dawnie. She could be back -- oh. Hi, 'Nara. Hi... River."
"Well?" Inara didn't look at her, and not because she wasn't wearing much. Kaylee could tell; this was the kind of not looking that meant Inara had a secret or a shame.
"Something odd," River said, and her voice was scarier than Kaylee'd ever heard it, and that was saying quite a bit. "Something strange." She pointed, and Kaylee covered Dawn's breasts protectively, feeling as she did so a slight tremor of fear that her hands weren't broad or skilled enough to save her girl. She believed in the moment, and this moment was terror. Dawn's back went rigid with fear.
"Dawn, there's something we need to -- here. Dry off. No, you too, Kaylee. There's something you both need to be told. River, you can go." Kaylee had never seen Inara so straightforward, so commanding. She stepped into a warm towel without thinking.
"I suppose I should start with --"
"In the beginning," River said, half to Inara, half to herself, "there was one girl in all the world." Words didn't generally make Kaylee take note, but those words felt like Inara's hands on her hair, like Simon laughing at where she came from. Comforting and cold all at once.
Inara sighed deeply, touched Kaylee with an unaccustomed gentleness. "I don't think you're going to like to hear this, Dawn. Kaylee -- I don't know. There are too many secrets, have been for too long." And those were the words that finally made River leave, and made Kaylee clutch more tightly at Dawn's hand. Something was wrong, something even Inara couldn't fix.
++
River could walk very slowly when she wanted to, and she wanted to. She didn't want to go running back to Simon's arms like a baby, and she wanted to hear when Inara told Kaylee, told Dawn. She took a deep breath and bit down the anger at Dawn's name. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, that Dawn was the piece who didn't fit.
Dawn had Kaylee. They shared a bunk; they shared their girl-secrets, their girl-ways. Dawn had been on the ship for years. She'd grown into Serenity, curved into her curves like any tree would when forced, like any body would. She adapted herself to her accommodations. It wasn't right that she shouldn't fit. River didn't fit.
But she wasn't energy, wasn't green, didn't glow. There was no excuse for her, no reason except the misfit of her own mind in her own brain, her own brain in her own head.
She wanted to scream again when she heard Dawn's first wail of disbelief, when she heard the chant of "I'm real, I'm real, I'm real."
Trade you, she thought. They did that, at first. Traded snacks for puzzles, quizzes and games for trinkets from home, before the mail call stopped altogether. Trade you. If Dawn could be real for awhile, and she could be fake, then they'd both have won. It would be nice, to win something, to take a prize home for Simon, a stuffed animal, cotton candy, something frivolous and fun.
It would be nice.
++
"What's going to happen?" Dawn asked Inara in a small voice, but Inara shook her head. "It depends on Kaylee, really, and on Book, and on too many variables. There's far too much to discuss now... but it really depends on Kaylee, on whether she's called, and when."
"I don't understand," Kaylee said again. "It's not really me, is it?"
"Not yet" Inara told her. "But it could be, any moment. If Ling dies -- I'm sorry."
"And you..."
Inara shook her head. "We will talk about it. Tomorrow." Kaylee didn't know why she'd never noticed that Inara could do this; she'd really believed Inara lived in the dreamworld of Companionship. She wasn't sure if she really liked her better as a Watcher. Wait and see, she decided. Better to listen now, anyhow -- Dawn was almost asleep on her shoulder, though she kept startling, blinking in amazement that she was still here.
"Well. Bed then, Dawnie?"
"Too tired for bed," Dawn muttered, and Inara laughed her familiar, soft laugh.
"Need a hand?"
"Nah, I got her." She took a deep breath. "After all, that's what I'm here for, right? To protect her?"
"It's -- that's close enough to true for tonight. Sleep well, mei-mei."
++
They all had nightmares, nightmares every one. River laughed, choked on sobs, laughed again. She wouldn't dare fall asleep when everyone was having nightmares. She might find herself trapped inside worlds where everyone was little, little and naked and lost. She was lost enough without their nightmares invading her dreams. She sobbed herself awake and listened to heartbeat upon heartbeat, to quiet dreams and still sleep and then the eruption of
why? why can't anyone see me why? I'm not invisible, am I, Kaylee? Am I? AM I? Look at me! Listen to me! I'm real, I'm important; I'm not whatever it is Inara said I was. Why do you have to be the Slayer? Why can't you -- look at me.
No one could see her; no one would dare. Dawn's true form was a thing not meant for human eyes. No one can see you, she whispered to Dawn, whose body (her not real body, her stolen body) was curled around Kaylee, peaceful. No one can see you.
Inara's nightmares weren't eruptions; they were smooth lava-flows of horror. River tried to back away from them, but she never could; she could never let herself stop when she wanted to because she never made herself stop when she didn't want to.
Kaylee. Kaylee, mei-mei, sweetheart, love, don't. Let me -- no.
There were creatures in Inara's dreams River had never seen, creatures and beasts and things she knew didn't really exist, and Kaylee fought them all, killed them, and smiled. The lava of Inara's dreamworld was blood, and it spilled everywhere, covered the floor of Serenity and filled Inara's shuttle with its stench. Inara couldn't stop her and didn't want to; River cuddled close to the wall and pretended she was only telling herself a story. She didn't want worlds like this existing in anyone's head but hers.
Book's dreams were too terrifying for any words she knew; they forced her to hold her knees tightly and find another dream, any dream, even Simon's nightly mare that made her squirm and shudder. And then she slipped, blessedly, into the desert.
"Hi!"
She knew Kaylee could see her. She breathed, and her dream-breath ruffled Kaylee's hair. They stood so close she could see goose flesh. "You're cold."
"I've been walking quite a ways."
"Someone else was supposed to be here, but she couldn't come," River said vaguely, and glanced around her, looking for the words' source. "She got lost."
Kaylee smiled. "I know what that's like. What are you doing in my dream, River? There was -- there was beasts a'plenty, and lots of puzzles, and Inara and... River?"
"Careful. Don't let the dream know you know you're dreaming it. Things have a habit of collapsing on themselves."
"Dawn's not here," Kaylee said. "I looked and looked."
"Gotta protect her." River's voice was cold, her mouth icy.
"I will. I'll do anything -- you can help. You'll hold the gun for me."
"Guns won't kill them when they come. You'll need worse things than guns." Her hand closed around a piece of wood that hadn't been there when she fell asleep.
"But you'll hold them for me." Kaylee's voice was distant and grainy.
"You think you know."
"I...?"
"What's to come. What you are."
The stake fell from her hand and buried itself in desert sand. Kaylee looked at her, waited for her answer, for her promise.
"You haven't even begun."
++++
1. Revelation 21: 24-27, NIV
settiai wanted, um, Dawn/Kaylee, set aboard Serenity, mention of the Key, River curious because of jealous!Simon, no character death or bashing, and PG-13 or lower.