Nutella Man [1/2]
Title: The Nutella Man [1/2]
Rating: g
Genre: crack
Pairing: seho
Summary: Sehun's misconceptions about himself and his unrequited love for Junmyeon, combined with Jongin and Chanyeol's dumb ideas, leads to all sorts of things.
this is the grossest thing i have ever written and i also do not like nutella. dedicated to my friend cat because she makes me write the strange things. reposted from AFF
Oh Sehun is a hardcore fanboy.
In the morning he shovels waffles and cream and jam into his mouth with one hand and scrolls down his Tumblr dashboard on his phone with the other hand, ogling at all the drool-worthy pictures and gifs of his leader.
Mmm. A really sweaty Junmyeon. Me likely.
Junmyeon in a tuxedo. Yes. Good.
Junmyeon butt porn. Junmyeon hand porn. Junmyeon thigh porn. asdfeijasdkf;sefijisa;lss.
Some Krisho photos (Sehun unfollows this peasant blog ASAP).
“Dude, wipe your mouth,” says Jongin.
Sehun realizes his left hand has stopped moving and is just sitting limply in the middle of the jam-cream-waffle combination on his plate. There’s dribble coming from the corner of his mouth and what’s trailed off his chin has gathered in a little puddle on the table. He puts his phone down to clean his face and Baekhyun snatches it up, looking at screen.
“Again?” he says sarcastically. “You seriously need to get laid, man. Just tell him already.”
“You don’t understand,” Sehun whines, grabbing his phone back. “I bet hyung doesn’t even like me. He probably thinks I’m a brat.”
“But you are,” Jongin points out, and gets Sehun’s last jam-cream waffle to the face.
In breaks and between meals Sehun is on his Facebook and Twitter accounts, perusing all things Kim Junmyeon. K’s leader doesn’t know the maknae even has a Facebook so Sehun is free to express all his feels (“i touched Kim Junmyeon today”) and all 54563 people who like his post just think he’s a roleplayer. It’s perfect (and sad), really.
Evenings take the cake. If he sits in his shared room at the right times he can catch Junmyeon come out from a shower, towel loosely wrapped around his hips and red hair dripping water down his neck and collar bones and chest and nipples and abs and his super cute belly button -
“Sehun, help me fold these sheets.” Chanyeol destroys his wild imagination in one fell swoop.
“Do it yourself,” Sehun groans, brain still making the descent from lala-land. “God, Chanyeol, he was going to take his towel off! You could have at least let me- ”
Five pairs of eyes leave the TV screen and judge him hard.
Junmyeon gives him a disapproving look. “Sehun, please. Give Chanyeol a hand,” he sighs.
Sehun wilts a little but does as he is told. Good going, Dumbhun. Hyung will never like me now. He'll never notice me. He cries (extremely overdramatically) to himself.
He folds the stupid sheet perfectly, Sehun-style (shapeless lump) and is about to throw it down in frustration when Junmyeon’s cellphone rings.
“Hello? …Oh, hi, Jongdae. How’s it going?”
It’s normal for EXO-M to call and chat in their free time but Sehun hates it because why do they always have to call only Junmyeon? Well, except for Zitao. He likes talking to Baekhyun. Zitao is a good boy. He doesn’t touch other people’s things.
Sehun’s scowl deepens and he makes a mental note to leave awful comments on all the Suchen fics he finds on Asianfanfics.com when he checks his subscribed fics that night. He tries to watch TV and tune out the conversation next to him but it's not working.
“Aww, Luhan did? He’s so sweet!” Junmyeon coos over the phone.
Jongin makes puking motions at his leader, who rolls his eyes but leaves the lounge anyway.
“He is! Sometimes I wish Sehunnie was like that…” Junmyeon’s voice trails off as he gets further away.
“He wishes I was like what?” Sehun huffs, folding his arms sulkily. “What does Luhan-hyung have that I, Junmyeon-hyung’s number one fan, don’t?”
“Number one fan my ass,” Jongin snorts. “You’re a loser. You can’t even get into Gramps’s pants.”
“Shut up, dickwad. Want me to prove it? Wanna see my magazine cutouts of him? My eight album photocards?” Sehun waves his arms manically, nearly frothing at the mouth.
“Why do you have eight?” Kyungsoo pipes up.
“Because Luhan-hyung said Chinese people believe the number eight is lucky.”
“You’re not even Chinese,” Baekhyun says.
“Nobody asked for your opinion, hyung.”
“Aww. That’s why Junmyeon-hyung doesn’t like you,” Jongin cackles. He holds his hand up to his ear and imitates K’s leader on the phone. “Aww, Luhan did? He’s so sweeeeet! Unlike my Sehunnie, who I will never like because he always has a stick up his ass and he's so lazy and can’t even fold a bedsheet properly- ”
“Say that again, Jongin, I dare you.”
“Did you know, Jongdae, that he has eight photocards of me and his OTP is Seho and- ”
“Fine!” Sehun yells. He gets to his feet and petulantly kicks over all of Chanyeol’s neatly-folded piles of clothes on the floor. “Since you know it all, you tell me how to get his attention!” His face is grumpy and his pout just makes him look constipated (default expression anyway).
“Pfft. He likes the sweeties like Lulu, didn’t you hear?” Jongin shrugs. “Be sweet like him. Duh.”
Junmyeon’s asleep. It’s hot and humid and he’s kicked most of his blanket aside, an arm dangling off the edge of the mattress and face buried in the pillow.
This is so unfair, Sehun grouses. He’s currently holding his phone out in front of him, using the screen’s weak light to illuminate the boner-inspiring sight that is his leader’s form sprawled out in his sheets.
Junmyeon’s shirt has partially ridden upwards and Sehun can’t stop looking at the smooth, pale belly and long, hairless legs - wait, he does a double-take - yup, looks pretty hairless to me, oh Junmyeon-hyung, hhnngg -
He just kind of lies there in bed, head swimming with enough M-rated fantasies to write the next Fifty Shades of Grey.
WHAT IF HYUNG SHAVES HIS LEGS, he updates his Twitter (where all the peasants think he’s just a roleplayer too). WHAT IF HE SHAVED MY LEGS TOO OMGGGG SOMEBODY HOLD ME.
Sehun doesn't think he's gotten any sweeter (or whatever Jongin meant) by the next morning despite all the thinking he’s done through the night. He picks at his breakfast moodily, spearing the blueberries on his pancakes with a fork and popping them into his mouth one by one. His imagination goes into overdrive when Junmyeon turns up for breakfast with a case of bedhair (Sehun's brain says sex hair) and he has to think about things that won't give him a boner (no boner please, no boner oh god, think about something else, think about Chanyeol with wrinkly boobs - oh man that is just ewww and Sehun spits all his blueberries out onto the table).
He’s still there even when all the others have gone and he, Kyungsoo and Jongin are the only ones left in the kitchen.
“Sehun, are you done? I need to wash the dishes.” Kyungsoo prods him and hastily ducks behind Jongin’s back with a squeak when Sehun’s head whips up.
“How do I get Junmyeon-hyung to notice me?” Sehun demands. “How do I be a sweeter person like Luhan-hyung?"
“Loser. Just add sugar, Sehunnie,” Jongin chortles, choking back laughter at his own lame-ass pun. “That’s how Kyungsoo-hyung makes his chocolate cakes really sweet.”
Add sugar? What a dumb idea. Sehun bangs his head back onto the table and attempts to alleviate his sorry state by changing his phone’s wallpaper (currently Junmyeon) to another picture (of Junmyeon. Except this one is from the Calvin Klein shoot) but Jongin pinches his phone to see what he’s doing. He flicks through the masses of saved photos and makes a face.
“You are such a fanboy,” he says teasingly. “Hey, isn’t this Kris? Why’d you crop him out?”
“I am Junmyeon-hyung’s fanboy.” Sehun harrumphs. “He’s the best leader ever. He makes me food. And there was that time when I hurt my leg and he dressed me in the mornings while he was just in his boxers. For a whole week! I had to have so many cold showers though…”
His eyes glaze over as he ascends back into lala-land. “And for the record, you asshole, his abs are so much better than your puny ones.”
“Oh yeah? And how many abs do you have, Oh Sehun? Negative two?”
“Junmyeon-hyung feeds me with his love. It makes me a bit chubby, so you can’t see all the abs I have.”
“…That’s so gross I'd rather have Chanyeol flick his boogers into my rice.”
The next day Sehun finds himself considering Jongin’s retarded idea again. He’s standing in front of the bathroom mirror, attempting to make cute faces that Junmyeon would fall for but he only succeeds in looking like a paedophile at a children’s party.
“Just add sugar, Sehunnie,” he says mockingly to himself. “Thanks for being useless.” He fixes his hair and suddenly wonders if Jongin was actually meaning well for once and trying to give him hints. And Sehun was really a loser and was ignoring precious advice that could possibly score him the idol of his wet dreams?
Maybe he hid something in the sugar that Junmyeon-hyung likes, Sehun nods to himself. Huh. I wouldn’t put it past Jongin to do something like that.
He runs to the kitchen and digs through the cupboards for Kyungsoo’s stash of sugar he uses for baking but he can’t find any. Crap, the last of it probably went into those pancakes for breakfast. He spies a half-empty jar of nutella and pulls it out, unscrewing the lid and looking inside. Nope, just brown stuff and-
What if that dumbass has done that thing they make you do in gameshows where you have to drink a bottle of something disgusting to get the clue at the bottom?
You’re a genius, Sehun.
He gets a spoon from the drawer and sits down in the lounge to start eating it.
“Hey! Why are you eating all the Nutella?” Chanyeol demands from the computer. “What am I gonna put on my toast tomorrow morning?”
“Find something else.” Sehun puts a spoonful of Nutella in his mouth and his tastebuds overflow with sweetness. He grimaces and swallows it down.
“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol pauses the video he’s watching and spins around on the wheely computer chair. “What are you trying to do?”
Sehun downs another spoonful. “Jongin,” he says with his mouth full. “I bet he’s hidden something at the bottom of this jar that’ll make Junmyeon-hyung like me.”
The rapper gives him a look of total disbelief before bursting into laughter. “Are you serious? You’re really taking his advice?”
“Got anything better?” Sehun asks, miffed. He’s about to shove the last of the Nutella in his mouth when Junmyeon comes into the lounge.
“Hey, we’re out heading out for lunch,” he announces. He flashes his dazzling smile and Sehun’s stomach shrivels up and dies. “You guys hungry?”
“Food! I’m coming,” Chanyeol cheers.
“Okay. We’re going now. Sehun?”
The maknae looks up with the spoon sticking protruding from the corner of his mouth stupidly. “Am I sweet enough for you?” he blurts out.
No, wait! Oh god that was not meant to come out. FML. I’ve ruined my chances with hyung forever!!1!!1 He must think something’s wrong with me.
Junmyeon’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly and his face goes pink. “Um,” he says.
“Sehun’s not hungry. Let’s go, hyung!” Chanyeol yells, dragging their leader out of the lounge and saving the youngest from death by awkwardness. “By the way, Hunnie, check out the video on the computer if you want tips from a real man.”
Sehun glares at the empty Nutella jar angrily, no special clues or hints or anything at the bottom.
“Damn you, Kim Jongin,” he mutters, and gets on the computer. “You lied.”
He resumes the video Chanyeol had been watching and stares dumbfoundedly at the screen. A giant bunch of puppies are rolling around in a flowerbed. Dirt and squished flowers fly everywhere and Sehun is about one second away from smashing the computer screen with his fist.
“What the hell, Chanyeol?” he yells, screwing up his face. “My god, you’re like all those EXO fangirls who will never get a boyfriend and instead spend the rest of their lives on Youtube watching cat videos!”
Except Park Chanyeol watches dog videos.
EXO-K really is a giant collection of losers (apart from Junmyeon. Anybody who says anything bad about him shall be obliterated).
But he can’t stop the squeal that comes out when sees a wee Jack Russell puppy trip over a border collie and faceplant straight into the mud. One of the other puppies roll over it and soon they’re all prancing around and yapping again in balls of fluff and paws. They all look so cute and absolutely adorable, sticking their tongues out and wagging their tails in delight.
In Sehun’s head it clicks, as he looks at the empty Nutella jar in his hand and back at the screen. There is no way Junmyeon-hyung will be able to resist him after this.
He puts on his running shoes, sprints down to the three nearest supermarkets and buys all their jars of Nutella.
The dorm's still quiet when he gets back so the rest of EXO-K must still be out at lunch. Good. Sehun takes a bag or two of Nutella jars and locks himself in the bathroom. He throws off all his clothes and unscrews the caps from the jars, squeezing their contents out into the bathtub, and cliimbs in for a roll too.
“Dammit,” Sehun cusses ten minutes later. All the jars in the bathroom are empty and the rest are, unfortunately, still in the kitchen. He’s mostly covered in Nutella but there’s still patches on his neck and the back of his shoulders (hmm, should I do my face as well?).
Junmyeon-hyung is gonna love this. Eeeheeheee.
He hauls himself out of the tub and presses his ear to the door. He can’t hear anything so it’s still just him alone. He unlocks the door with some trouble and gets brown sticky handprints all over the wall but he eventually manages to tiptoe out, down the hallway and into the kitchen.
He’s grabbing as many jars of Nutella as he can carry when he suddenly hears the dreaded click of the dorm’s front door.
Oh, god. Sehun quickly tucks a few more into the crook of his elbow - how much time do I have left - if they make it into the hallway then they’ll block off the bathroom - start moving Sehun, arrgh - go, go - oh, crap I dropped one - goddammit why are my legs so sticky -
“Sehun?”
Kyungsoo? Oh, hell no.
"Whoaaa!" Sehun's Nutella-slathered feet lose their grip on the kitchen tiles as he slips up and crashes in a brown, gloopy heap to the floor. A couple of jars bonk him on the head and when his head stops spinning he looks up to see Kyungsoo staring at him for the doorway, wide eyes blinking.
“My kitchen!” he wails, pointing furiously. “Sehun, I don’t care what you’re covered in - in- ” he pauses, “in whatever you’re covered in, but you better get a bucket and clean up this mess right now before- ”
“What’s going on?” Chanyeol asks, peering over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. He takes one look at the scene in front of him and breaks down in uncontrollable laughter, clapping his hands like a seal on crack and thumping down on Kyungsoo’s spine.
“Shut up, Chanyeol!” Sehun shrieks, shaking a fist at him. “This is all your fault! You and your dumb, stupid- ” He doesn’t bother finishing his sentence and just flings a jar of Nutella at him. It sails in an arc over Chanyeol’s head and hits Jongin instead, who’s behind him and -
“Ouch, what was - SWEET JESUS,” he yells. “IS THAT SEHUN? WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN LOOKING AT?”
“It’s Sehun’s alter ego,” Chanyeol snickers. “The Nutella Man.”
He and Jongin dissolve into fits of laughter and have to hold their sides while Kyungsoo’s still frozen in bewilderment.
“What? What Nutella? Move, I can’t see!” Baekhyun’s jumping up and down behind all of them, too short to see past the giants in the doorway. “What’s happening?” he whines, pouting.
“The Nutella Man,” Jongin chokes out, wiping his eyes. “Baek, seriously, don't look.”
“Shut up and go away!” Sehun howls, on the verge of tears. “You don’t understand. Leave me alone! I hate all of you!”
“Guys, let me through,” comes Junmyeon’s soft voice.
What. No. Anything but Junmyeon-hyung! NO. Sehun blushes to the roots of his hair and realizes he’s still stark naked - the coat of Nutella he’s wearing doesn’t count - so he scrabbles around for anything to cover himself but the only things nearby are jars of more Nutella.
No. He debates for 0.1 seconds and no, he will not put that anywhere near-
The other members let their leader through. Sehun screams and panics and his brain throws all inhibitions out the window and he wrenches a lid off the closest jar and just jams the whole thing over his junk.
It feels like... ew.
Ewww.
Junmyeon’s mouth hits the ground. “O-Oh my god, Sehun. What a, um, mess you’ve made?” His face goes bright red and he tries to avert his eyes as Jongin and Chanyeol start laughing all over again.
Sehun sniffs. His lower lip trembles, eyes shimmering with tears before he can’t hold it in anymore and just breaks down crying.
Junmyeon’s face turns stricken.
“Eep,” he says, before he collects his wits and shoos the other members out. He shuts the door firmly behind them and comes to crouch beside the bawling maknae.
“Um, Sehun?” he inquires tentatively, wringing his hands. “Do you want to… talk?”
“Jongin and Chanyeol and are the biggest turds to have ever walked this planet,” Sehun sobs, fat crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks.
Junmyeon raises an eyebrow. “And why would that be?” He catches Sehun’s sticky arm before the boy can rub his eyes with it and gets him a box of tissues from the kitchen bench.
Sehun blows his snotty nose and explains everything to him in between hiccups and more sniffling.
“…and then you guys all came in! But I'm still your number one fanboy,” he finishes stubbornly, “I really am, hyung!”
Junmyeon smiles hopelessly at him. “I know, Sehunnie,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “It’s okay. You didn’t have to be, uh, sweet… for me. I like you the way you are.”
The maknae blinks away fresh tears. “But I like you too. I really, really, like you,” he wails.
Junmyeon ruffles his hair and swoops in to plant a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I know. So do I.”
THE END
i am going to hell for this. some more of this au here if you feel the need. sequel here.
Rating: g
Genre: crack
Pairing: seho
Summary: Sehun's misconceptions about himself and his unrequited love for Junmyeon, combined with Jongin and Chanyeol's dumb ideas, leads to all sorts of things.
this is the grossest thing i have ever written and i also do not like nutella. dedicated to my friend cat because she makes me write the strange things. reposted from AFF
Oh Sehun is a hardcore fanboy.
In the morning he shovels waffles and cream and jam into his mouth with one hand and scrolls down his Tumblr dashboard on his phone with the other hand, ogling at all the drool-worthy pictures and gifs of his leader.
Mmm. A really sweaty Junmyeon. Me likely.
Junmyeon in a tuxedo. Yes. Good.
Junmyeon butt porn. Junmyeon hand porn. Junmyeon thigh porn. asdfeijasdkf;sefijisa;lss.
Some Krisho photos (Sehun unfollows this peasant blog ASAP).
“Dude, wipe your mouth,” says Jongin.
Sehun realizes his left hand has stopped moving and is just sitting limply in the middle of the jam-cream-waffle combination on his plate. There’s dribble coming from the corner of his mouth and what’s trailed off his chin has gathered in a little puddle on the table. He puts his phone down to clean his face and Baekhyun snatches it up, looking at screen.
“Again?” he says sarcastically. “You seriously need to get laid, man. Just tell him already.”
“You don’t understand,” Sehun whines, grabbing his phone back. “I bet hyung doesn’t even like me. He probably thinks I’m a brat.”
“But you are,” Jongin points out, and gets Sehun’s last jam-cream waffle to the face.
In breaks and between meals Sehun is on his Facebook and Twitter accounts, perusing all things Kim Junmyeon. K’s leader doesn’t know the maknae even has a Facebook so Sehun is free to express all his feels (“i touched Kim Junmyeon today”) and all 54563 people who like his post just think he’s a roleplayer. It’s perfect (and sad), really.
Evenings take the cake. If he sits in his shared room at the right times he can catch Junmyeon come out from a shower, towel loosely wrapped around his hips and red hair dripping water down his neck and collar bones and chest and nipples and abs and his super cute belly button -
“Sehun, help me fold these sheets.” Chanyeol destroys his wild imagination in one fell swoop.
“Do it yourself,” Sehun groans, brain still making the descent from lala-land. “God, Chanyeol, he was going to take his towel off! You could have at least let me- ”
Five pairs of eyes leave the TV screen and judge him hard.
Junmyeon gives him a disapproving look. “Sehun, please. Give Chanyeol a hand,” he sighs.
Sehun wilts a little but does as he is told. Good going, Dumbhun. Hyung will never like me now. He'll never notice me. He cries (extremely overdramatically) to himself.
He folds the stupid sheet perfectly, Sehun-style (shapeless lump) and is about to throw it down in frustration when Junmyeon’s cellphone rings.
“Hello? …Oh, hi, Jongdae. How’s it going?”
It’s normal for EXO-M to call and chat in their free time but Sehun hates it because why do they always have to call only Junmyeon? Well, except for Zitao. He likes talking to Baekhyun. Zitao is a good boy. He doesn’t touch other people’s things.
Sehun’s scowl deepens and he makes a mental note to leave awful comments on all the Suchen fics he finds on Asianfanfics.com when he checks his subscribed fics that night. He tries to watch TV and tune out the conversation next to him but it's not working.
“Aww, Luhan did? He’s so sweet!” Junmyeon coos over the phone.
Jongin makes puking motions at his leader, who rolls his eyes but leaves the lounge anyway.
“He is! Sometimes I wish Sehunnie was like that…” Junmyeon’s voice trails off as he gets further away.
“He wishes I was like what?” Sehun huffs, folding his arms sulkily. “What does Luhan-hyung have that I, Junmyeon-hyung’s number one fan, don’t?”
“Number one fan my ass,” Jongin snorts. “You’re a loser. You can’t even get into Gramps’s pants.”
“Shut up, dickwad. Want me to prove it? Wanna see my magazine cutouts of him? My eight album photocards?” Sehun waves his arms manically, nearly frothing at the mouth.
“Why do you have eight?” Kyungsoo pipes up.
“Because Luhan-hyung said Chinese people believe the number eight is lucky.”
“You’re not even Chinese,” Baekhyun says.
“Nobody asked for your opinion, hyung.”
“Aww. That’s why Junmyeon-hyung doesn’t like you,” Jongin cackles. He holds his hand up to his ear and imitates K’s leader on the phone. “Aww, Luhan did? He’s so sweeeeet! Unlike my Sehunnie, who I will never like because he always has a stick up his ass and he's so lazy and can’t even fold a bedsheet properly- ”
“Say that again, Jongin, I dare you.”
“Did you know, Jongdae, that he has eight photocards of me and his OTP is Seho and- ”
“Fine!” Sehun yells. He gets to his feet and petulantly kicks over all of Chanyeol’s neatly-folded piles of clothes on the floor. “Since you know it all, you tell me how to get his attention!” His face is grumpy and his pout just makes him look constipated (default expression anyway).
“Pfft. He likes the sweeties like Lulu, didn’t you hear?” Jongin shrugs. “Be sweet like him. Duh.”
Junmyeon’s asleep. It’s hot and humid and he’s kicked most of his blanket aside, an arm dangling off the edge of the mattress and face buried in the pillow.
This is so unfair, Sehun grouses. He’s currently holding his phone out in front of him, using the screen’s weak light to illuminate the boner-inspiring sight that is his leader’s form sprawled out in his sheets.
Junmyeon’s shirt has partially ridden upwards and Sehun can’t stop looking at the smooth, pale belly and long, hairless legs - wait, he does a double-take - yup, looks pretty hairless to me, oh Junmyeon-hyung, hhnngg -
He just kind of lies there in bed, head swimming with enough M-rated fantasies to write the next Fifty Shades of Grey.
WHAT IF HYUNG SHAVES HIS LEGS, he updates his Twitter (where all the peasants think he’s just a roleplayer too). WHAT IF HE SHAVED MY LEGS TOO OMGGGG SOMEBODY HOLD ME.
Sehun doesn't think he's gotten any sweeter (or whatever Jongin meant) by the next morning despite all the thinking he’s done through the night. He picks at his breakfast moodily, spearing the blueberries on his pancakes with a fork and popping them into his mouth one by one. His imagination goes into overdrive when Junmyeon turns up for breakfast with a case of bedhair (Sehun's brain says sex hair) and he has to think about things that won't give him a boner (no boner please, no boner oh god, think about something else, think about Chanyeol with wrinkly boobs - oh man that is just ewww and Sehun spits all his blueberries out onto the table).
He’s still there even when all the others have gone and he, Kyungsoo and Jongin are the only ones left in the kitchen.
“Sehun, are you done? I need to wash the dishes.” Kyungsoo prods him and hastily ducks behind Jongin’s back with a squeak when Sehun’s head whips up.
“How do I get Junmyeon-hyung to notice me?” Sehun demands. “How do I be a sweeter person like Luhan-hyung?"
“Loser. Just add sugar, Sehunnie,” Jongin chortles, choking back laughter at his own lame-ass pun. “That’s how Kyungsoo-hyung makes his chocolate cakes really sweet.”
Add sugar? What a dumb idea. Sehun bangs his head back onto the table and attempts to alleviate his sorry state by changing his phone’s wallpaper (currently Junmyeon) to another picture (of Junmyeon. Except this one is from the Calvin Klein shoot) but Jongin pinches his phone to see what he’s doing. He flicks through the masses of saved photos and makes a face.
“You are such a fanboy,” he says teasingly. “Hey, isn’t this Kris? Why’d you crop him out?”
“I am Junmyeon-hyung’s fanboy.” Sehun harrumphs. “He’s the best leader ever. He makes me food. And there was that time when I hurt my leg and he dressed me in the mornings while he was just in his boxers. For a whole week! I had to have so many cold showers though…”
His eyes glaze over as he ascends back into lala-land. “And for the record, you asshole, his abs are so much better than your puny ones.”
“Oh yeah? And how many abs do you have, Oh Sehun? Negative two?”
“Junmyeon-hyung feeds me with his love. It makes me a bit chubby, so you can’t see all the abs I have.”
“…That’s so gross I'd rather have Chanyeol flick his boogers into my rice.”
The next day Sehun finds himself considering Jongin’s retarded idea again. He’s standing in front of the bathroom mirror, attempting to make cute faces that Junmyeon would fall for but he only succeeds in looking like a paedophile at a children’s party.
“Just add sugar, Sehunnie,” he says mockingly to himself. “Thanks for being useless.” He fixes his hair and suddenly wonders if Jongin was actually meaning well for once and trying to give him hints. And Sehun was really a loser and was ignoring precious advice that could possibly score him the idol of his wet dreams?
Maybe he hid something in the sugar that Junmyeon-hyung likes, Sehun nods to himself. Huh. I wouldn’t put it past Jongin to do something like that.
He runs to the kitchen and digs through the cupboards for Kyungsoo’s stash of sugar he uses for baking but he can’t find any. Crap, the last of it probably went into those pancakes for breakfast. He spies a half-empty jar of nutella and pulls it out, unscrewing the lid and looking inside. Nope, just brown stuff and-
What if that dumbass has done that thing they make you do in gameshows where you have to drink a bottle of something disgusting to get the clue at the bottom?
You’re a genius, Sehun.
He gets a spoon from the drawer and sits down in the lounge to start eating it.
“Hey! Why are you eating all the Nutella?” Chanyeol demands from the computer. “What am I gonna put on my toast tomorrow morning?”
“Find something else.” Sehun puts a spoonful of Nutella in his mouth and his tastebuds overflow with sweetness. He grimaces and swallows it down.
“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol pauses the video he’s watching and spins around on the wheely computer chair. “What are you trying to do?”
Sehun downs another spoonful. “Jongin,” he says with his mouth full. “I bet he’s hidden something at the bottom of this jar that’ll make Junmyeon-hyung like me.”
The rapper gives him a look of total disbelief before bursting into laughter. “Are you serious? You’re really taking his advice?”
“Got anything better?” Sehun asks, miffed. He’s about to shove the last of the Nutella in his mouth when Junmyeon comes into the lounge.
“Hey, we’re out heading out for lunch,” he announces. He flashes his dazzling smile and Sehun’s stomach shrivels up and dies. “You guys hungry?”
“Food! I’m coming,” Chanyeol cheers.
“Okay. We’re going now. Sehun?”
The maknae looks up with the spoon sticking protruding from the corner of his mouth stupidly. “Am I sweet enough for you?” he blurts out.
No, wait! Oh god that was not meant to come out. FML. I’ve ruined my chances with hyung forever!!1!!1 He must think something’s wrong with me.
Junmyeon’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly and his face goes pink. “Um,” he says.
“Sehun’s not hungry. Let’s go, hyung!” Chanyeol yells, dragging their leader out of the lounge and saving the youngest from death by awkwardness. “By the way, Hunnie, check out the video on the computer if you want tips from a real man.”
Sehun glares at the empty Nutella jar angrily, no special clues or hints or anything at the bottom.
“Damn you, Kim Jongin,” he mutters, and gets on the computer. “You lied.”
He resumes the video Chanyeol had been watching and stares dumbfoundedly at the screen. A giant bunch of puppies are rolling around in a flowerbed. Dirt and squished flowers fly everywhere and Sehun is about one second away from smashing the computer screen with his fist.
“What the hell, Chanyeol?” he yells, screwing up his face. “My god, you’re like all those EXO fangirls who will never get a boyfriend and instead spend the rest of their lives on Youtube watching cat videos!”
Except Park Chanyeol watches dog videos.
EXO-K really is a giant collection of losers (apart from Junmyeon. Anybody who says anything bad about him shall be obliterated).
But he can’t stop the squeal that comes out when sees a wee Jack Russell puppy trip over a border collie and faceplant straight into the mud. One of the other puppies roll over it and soon they’re all prancing around and yapping again in balls of fluff and paws. They all look so cute and absolutely adorable, sticking their tongues out and wagging their tails in delight.
In Sehun’s head it clicks, as he looks at the empty Nutella jar in his hand and back at the screen. There is no way Junmyeon-hyung will be able to resist him after this.
He puts on his running shoes, sprints down to the three nearest supermarkets and buys all their jars of Nutella.
The dorm's still quiet when he gets back so the rest of EXO-K must still be out at lunch. Good. Sehun takes a bag or two of Nutella jars and locks himself in the bathroom. He throws off all his clothes and unscrews the caps from the jars, squeezing their contents out into the bathtub, and cliimbs in for a roll too.
“Dammit,” Sehun cusses ten minutes later. All the jars in the bathroom are empty and the rest are, unfortunately, still in the kitchen. He’s mostly covered in Nutella but there’s still patches on his neck and the back of his shoulders (hmm, should I do my face as well?).
Junmyeon-hyung is gonna love this. Eeeheeheee.
He hauls himself out of the tub and presses his ear to the door. He can’t hear anything so it’s still just him alone. He unlocks the door with some trouble and gets brown sticky handprints all over the wall but he eventually manages to tiptoe out, down the hallway and into the kitchen.
He’s grabbing as many jars of Nutella as he can carry when he suddenly hears the dreaded click of the dorm’s front door.
Oh, god. Sehun quickly tucks a few more into the crook of his elbow - how much time do I have left - if they make it into the hallway then they’ll block off the bathroom - start moving Sehun, arrgh - go, go - oh, crap I dropped one - goddammit why are my legs so sticky -
“Sehun?”
Kyungsoo? Oh, hell no.
"Whoaaa!" Sehun's Nutella-slathered feet lose their grip on the kitchen tiles as he slips up and crashes in a brown, gloopy heap to the floor. A couple of jars bonk him on the head and when his head stops spinning he looks up to see Kyungsoo staring at him for the doorway, wide eyes blinking.
“My kitchen!” he wails, pointing furiously. “Sehun, I don’t care what you’re covered in - in- ” he pauses, “in whatever you’re covered in, but you better get a bucket and clean up this mess right now before- ”
“What’s going on?” Chanyeol asks, peering over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. He takes one look at the scene in front of him and breaks down in uncontrollable laughter, clapping his hands like a seal on crack and thumping down on Kyungsoo’s spine.
“Shut up, Chanyeol!” Sehun shrieks, shaking a fist at him. “This is all your fault! You and your dumb, stupid- ” He doesn’t bother finishing his sentence and just flings a jar of Nutella at him. It sails in an arc over Chanyeol’s head and hits Jongin instead, who’s behind him and -
“Ouch, what was - SWEET JESUS,” he yells. “IS THAT SEHUN? WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN LOOKING AT?”
“It’s Sehun’s alter ego,” Chanyeol snickers. “The Nutella Man.”
He and Jongin dissolve into fits of laughter and have to hold their sides while Kyungsoo’s still frozen in bewilderment.
“What? What Nutella? Move, I can’t see!” Baekhyun’s jumping up and down behind all of them, too short to see past the giants in the doorway. “What’s happening?” he whines, pouting.
“The Nutella Man,” Jongin chokes out, wiping his eyes. “Baek, seriously, don't look.”
“Shut up and go away!” Sehun howls, on the verge of tears. “You don’t understand. Leave me alone! I hate all of you!”
“Guys, let me through,” comes Junmyeon’s soft voice.
What. No. Anything but Junmyeon-hyung! NO. Sehun blushes to the roots of his hair and realizes he’s still stark naked - the coat of Nutella he’s wearing doesn’t count - so he scrabbles around for anything to cover himself but the only things nearby are jars of more Nutella.
No. He debates for 0.1 seconds and no, he will not put that anywhere near-
The other members let their leader through. Sehun screams and panics and his brain throws all inhibitions out the window and he wrenches a lid off the closest jar and just jams the whole thing over his junk.
It feels like... ew.
Ewww.
Junmyeon’s mouth hits the ground. “O-Oh my god, Sehun. What a, um, mess you’ve made?” His face goes bright red and he tries to avert his eyes as Jongin and Chanyeol start laughing all over again.
Sehun sniffs. His lower lip trembles, eyes shimmering with tears before he can’t hold it in anymore and just breaks down crying.
Junmyeon’s face turns stricken.
“Eep,” he says, before he collects his wits and shoos the other members out. He shuts the door firmly behind them and comes to crouch beside the bawling maknae.
“Um, Sehun?” he inquires tentatively, wringing his hands. “Do you want to… talk?”
“Jongin and Chanyeol and are the biggest turds to have ever walked this planet,” Sehun sobs, fat crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks.
Junmyeon raises an eyebrow. “And why would that be?” He catches Sehun’s sticky arm before the boy can rub his eyes with it and gets him a box of tissues from the kitchen bench.
Sehun blows his snotty nose and explains everything to him in between hiccups and more sniffling.
“…and then you guys all came in! But I'm still your number one fanboy,” he finishes stubbornly, “I really am, hyung!”
Junmyeon smiles hopelessly at him. “I know, Sehunnie,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “It’s okay. You didn’t have to be, uh, sweet… for me. I like you the way you are.”
The maknae blinks away fresh tears. “But I like you too. I really, really, like you,” he wails.
Junmyeon ruffles his hair and swoops in to plant a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I know. So do I.”
THE END
i am going to hell for this. some more of this au here if you feel the need. sequel here.