Fic. Complicated
Title: Complicated
Author: alicebluegown16
Rating: R
Pairing: Finn/Will, mentions of past Finn/Rachel, Finn/Santana, Finn/OMC, Will/Terri, Will/Bryan Ryan
Summary: Five questions Finn and Will asked each other and the unexpected answers.
AN: Part of my series. Other stories being Do Over, Breakfast of Champions, Like Grown Ups, and Nice Boy. Chronologically, I'd place this between Like Grown Ups and Nice Boy.
For the meme prompts Will and Finn having a long late night conversation about stuff not many people know about them and things they never told each other before and Finn finds out Will and Bryan Ryan had a thang in high school. Info on the School of the Americas.
Warning: Kind of angsty. Sympathetic Terri. Unbeta'd.
If someone held a gun to Will’s head and demanded Finn name his favorite color, Will would be so screwed.
And that’s pretty fucked up, right? That they’re dating and he knows so little about the other man. Will’s a very private person-which is so ironic considering the whole “Let’s sing out our feelings” thing and Finn gets that, but sometimes he kind of feels like he’s in love with that chick from Alias.
He points this out one night to Will when they’re sort of half watching a movie, Finn pretending he’s totally not petting Will’s hair and Will pretending he’s totally not into it.
“Is it the age difference? Do you think if you start reminiscing about how the mid ‘90’s were the good ol’ days the light bulb will finally come on over my head and I’ll realize ‘Holy crap! He is ridiculously old!’”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. The mid 90’s were the good ol’ days.” Will gazes at him with the utmost sincerity until Finn gives him a ‘You’re avoiding the point’ glare.
“Okay, okay…maybe subconsciously I’m not exactly eager to be reminded that when I was the age you are now, you were in pre-school chowing down on graham crackers and juice…But also it’s mostly that I honestly didn’t think you’d be that interested. Besides our awesome sex life, I’m really, really boring.”
But then, score.
Will apparently found a ladder and got over himself because instead of letting this become, you know, a thing, he turns off the television and shifts over to face him on the couch.
“So, what do you want to know?”
Everything, he absolutely does not say since it sounds just a little too stalkerrific, Wall O’ Crazy in my basement.
“I dunno, whatever. Even the boring random stuff. Especially that stuff. Like for example Mrs. Yablonki, our neighbor across the street growing up? Toothpaste in our Trick or Treat bags every single year at Halloween. Puck finally talked me into egging her house when I was eleven. I felt so shitty about it, the next day I ended up going over there and cleaning it up all by myself. That kind of stuff, I eat that kind of stuff up with a spoon.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? I can ask you questions? And you’ll answer them?”
“Yes. But if we do this, we’re going to do it right.”
“We’re going to make it a drinking game?”
“No.” Will is very adamant on this.
“We’re going to make it a sex game?” There’s a definite hopeful lilt in Finn’s voice.
“No.”, slightly more reluctant this time. “You have to answer questions, too.”
And despite all the talk about wanting to share stuff, Finn is seriously tempted to say no. He doesn’t think there’s anything too weird or embarrassing in his past, but who knows what kind of stuff Will might ask? But then he notices Will’s looking as if he might half anticipate Finn backing out and he decides fuck it. This trust and sharing thing is a two way street.
“Deal.”
***
1.
Finn figures his first clue that this evening isn’t going to go the way he thought it was is when Will’s answer to his total joke of a question “Have you ever been arrested?” is “Yes, but the charges were dropped.”
“Wait-wait-what?!!!” His jaw is close to scraping the floor and he almost falls off the couch. And how is Will sitting there so calmly?
“What. The. Fuck. Will! Is that why you’re so closed off about your past? What, did you shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?”
He notices Will looks slightly embarrassed and a whole new possibility enters his mind. He can’t help blurting out, “Oh my god! Did you get caught having sex in public?”
“No! Of course not!” Will sputters.
And since Finn’s brain is a twisty Point A to Point Q without stopping at any of the letters in between sort of place he can’t help idly wondering if of course not means he’d never do something like that or of course not he’d never get caught?
Wait.
Backtrack.
Will’s still talking.
“It’s not nearly as exciting or as dirty as whatever you’re imagining, I swear. I was in college. It was a protest against the School of the Americas at Ft. Benning in Georgia.”
He holds up a hand for clarification.
“Uh, not to pull a Brittany, but why were you protesting a school?”
“Because this particular school isn’t really a school. It’s a highly controversial facility used by Latin American dictators to teach their secret police how to torture, kill people, and commit various other human rights violations. And it’s funded and operated by our Department of Defense.”
It seems like Will’s about to get really worked up, all passionate righteous anger that is a very good look for him, but then he pulls himself back. Finn makes a note to Wikipedia some of this stuff later.
Seriously, how did Will ever for a single second think he’d be happy as an accountant? Because teacher or wannabe hippie he’s too damn genuine and cares too fucking much about, well, everything to ever be happy in some cubicle crunching numbers.
“Anyway, there were about three hundred of us: the Spanish Club, Campus Progressives for Change, various other groups and we all got arrested because there was some sort of clusterfuck over permits and whether or not we were actually far enough away from the army base…it ended up getting resolved eventually, but I spent the night in jail and I had to beg my folks to wire the money to post bail because Terri was too pissed off to even speak to me. It was stupid and naïve and horribly self-indulgent-I’d just gotten married and this was my sad little attempt at being a rebel before I had to settle down and be grown up and respectable. And beyond that it could have cost me my chance to teach if it had stayed on my record. The end.”
“What are you talking about? That’s not stupid. You fought the law!”
Will rolls his eyes.
“And the law won. That’s kind of how it tends to go.”
“Charges were dropped.” Finn reminds him, echoing Will’s earlier words. He’s not going to let Will diminish something that clearly must have meant a lot to him if he was willing to get arrested and face the wrath of a pissed off Terri for it (and why Will stayed married for so long to a woman he clearly had almost nothing in common with is one of those questions he’ll never ever ask in a million years.)
“So it’s more like you fought the law and it ended in a draw. But you were fighting oppression! You got arrested on a military base. In Georgia. And lived to tell about it. You’re a BAMF, Will! I bet you like, have a file somewhere or some shit.”
Despite himself, Will is sort of grinning and seems like he might be proud and even enjoying the praise. The image of a college aged Will pops into Finn’s head.
Younger but still hot in that awkward hasn’t quite grown into his limbs kind of way. No neckties, or cardigans, or buttoned up dress shirts, just ripped jeans and a t-shirt. Attempting to be Angry!Activist Dude and totally failing with his curly hair falling into pretty green eyes and that smile so bright you could read by it.
It’s a nice image.
He really, really hopes Will has pictures.
***
2.
So, after they cover Will’s extensive criminal history, they kind of backtrack to the small stuff because Finn can’t handle another shock like that right away.
Will’s favorite color is blue. He hates coconut. He’s allergic to penicillin. The scar on his knee is from going through a sliding glass door during his first attempt at a back flip. His secret celebrity crush is Ewan McGregor.
“So, that’s why you sided with Kurt on doing the Elephant Love Song medley for Sectionals that year!”
“Hey, we won with it, didn’t we?”
When Finn asks about any bad habits, Will confesses that he used to bite his nails and gnaw his cuticles until they bled. And when he quite that, he started chewing pens.
“At that point I just sort of conceded defeat because clearly the next logical step was going to be smoking.”
“Jeez, oral fixation much?”
Will smirks at him.
“Haven’t heard any complaints from you about that.”
And then he asks Will what his middle name is.
Nothing.
Total silence for about thirty seconds.
Will had looked less freaked when Finn asked him if he ever thought about having kids (and no, Finn does not know what in the hell possessed him to ask that. Or to nod and say ‘Wow. Okay. Good to know.’ when he said yes) And even Will’s face after that comment was less deer meets headlights than it currently is right now.
“Uhh, didn’t know this counted as a trick question.”
When the other man finally answers ‘William’, Finn is justifiably more than a little confused.
“Your middle name is William? Are you telling me your full name is…William William Schuester? Seriously? Like that Humbert Humbert dude?”
“No, not like that Humbert Humbert dude and please never ever make that comparison again, I do not need Lolita parallels knocking around in my head.” Will’s voice is slightly muffled from the throw pillow he’s currently using to cover his face.
“William’s not actually my first name. I don’t go by my first name because I hate my first name.”
Finn tries not to be too pissed off that Will’s only choosing now to casually drop the bomb that even the most basic thing he thought he knew about him, his freaking name ferchristsake, isn’t technically accurate. Because he loves Will and can accept the fact that part of loving Will means occasionally gently reminding him “Hey, this is how normal people have relationships.” He considers it a victory that these moments are getting further and further apart.
So, instead he patiently waits for…whoever this guy next to him is to finally introduce himself. An indistinct mumble and Finn shoots a you’re gonna have to repeat that look.
That Will doesn’t see. Because he’s still hiding.
Oh, man. This is gonna be good.
“Thaddeus.”
“Thaddeus? Your first name is Thaddeus?” He rolls it around on his tongue as if it’s something that doesn’t quite taste right, like bacon flavored ice cream. “Okay, now you’re just fucking with me.”
Wordlessly Will pulls out his wallet and hands over his driver’s license.
“Huh. Well, whattya know…Thaddeus William Schuester. And it says here you’re an organ donor. Didn’t know that before either. Wow, I feel closer to you already. So, Thaddeus. Thad. Can I call you Thad?” He almost laughs and then manages to change it into a cough halfway through.
“Not if you ever want to have sex again.” Will growls and Finn can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
“I know, I know it’s awful and I can never change it because it’s been in my family for eight generations ever since my great-great somebody saved a village from a famine or invented sliced bread or something and now there must always be a Thaddeus Schuester.”
Finn decides in the wake of Will’s clearly genuine embarrassment that he can afford to be somewhat forgiving about this whole revelation.
“It’s not actually that bad.” He assures and Will grunts in disbelief. “C’mon, it’s not like it’s Dweezil or Moon Unit. It’s very…distinguished.”
“And what’s your middle name?” Asked in a vaguely petulant, 'it better be something really shitty' tone.
“Christopher. My dad’s name. He chose my first name too, after the book. It was his favorite. He wanted to name me Huckleberry, I guess proving that picking shitty baby names is in fact a genetic trait, but mom talked him into compromising, thank God.”
Will’s uncovered his face and he’s looking at him with far more intent than he thinks this answer merits.
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just that I think this might be the first time I’ve ever heard you mention your Dad to me.”
And he could totally laugh and point out that this is the first time Will’s ever given him an opening to do so, or that up until five minutes ago he didn’t even know Will’s real first name, but instead he just shrugs.
“There’s not really much to say. He died when I was a baby, my only real memory of him is him not being there…Mom working all the time and being sad. I’ve got one picture of him holding me (which by the way, I look so much like him it’s slightly freaky to be honest), some medals, a flag, a set of dog tags, and a name. Oh, and he’s paying for my college education, how weird is that? Yeah, when I was filling out applications, Miss. Pillsbury told me about this program that allows the dependents of soldiers killed in combat to attend state schools for free. It’s like the government’s way of saying ‘Dude, your dad got blown up. That really sucks. Here take this wad of cash; it’ll make you feel better.’”
He blinks for several moments, sort of stunned at how that torrent of angst and word vomit just sort of snuck up on him.
Wow.
This was not supposed to be a trick question.
Will squeezes his hand, looking slightly concerned.
“Do you want to stop with this tonight?”
No, he really does not. Because up until his previously never acknowledged daddy issues decided to jump out from behind the bushes and yell ‘Boo’ he was having a pretty nice time.
“Nah, we’re just starting to get to the good stuff. You’re not going to wuss out on me now, are you, Thaddeus?”
“Seriously, call me that again and you won’t even get a hand job from me, swear to God.”
And with that the tension’s gone, Will letting him slide, moving on like he didn’t just go all saddest little emo-kid without a date on prom night.
But he doesn’t let go of Finn’s hand for awhile.
Will may occasionally suck at normal relationships, but he’s got a pretty sharp learning curve.
***
3.
“You’re not allowed to laugh.”
Will looks slightly offended.
“Hey, did I laugh when you confessed your squirrel phobia?”
“Yes! For like, twenty minutes!”
Will grins at the memory.
“Yeah, it was pretty funny.”
“Oh, and your thing about spiders is so much better? All you need for that is shoe or a rolled up newspaper. Squirrels have rabies, Will! And the way they sit there on their hind legs, just watching you with their beady little eyes…like they’re two seconds away from biting your face off.”
“I think someone’s avoiding the question…” Will sing-songs.
“Alright. Fine.” Finn takes a deep breath.
“Puck. My first kiss was Puck.” He peeks a glance over at Will. He isn’t laughing, but it looks as if it physically pains him not to do so.
“We were seven and his dad had just left. He was getting into fights all the time, like worse that the usual Puck fights, he even bit the teacher once and there was talk about sending him to a shrink. One night he was staying over at my house and I told him ‘Dude, you have to chill out or else my mom’s not going to let us play together anymore.’ And I guess it just like, finally hit him that the asshole wasn’t ever coming back and he started bawling. So I climbed into the sleeping bag with him and promised him I wasn’t going to go anywhere. And then I kissed him.”
“That…I can’t believe you’d ever think I’d laugh at that.” Will’s gazing at him with…awe? Affection? Respect? Something complicated that has Finn brushing him off with “Yeah, well he punched me immediately afterwards and he’ll probably kill us both in our sleep if he ever finds out I told you about it. If we’re lucky.”
Will doesn’t even seem to mind the less heart warming aspect of the story (or attempt to deny their certain fate if Puck ever found out Finn blabbed.)
“Still, it makes mine seem so cheap and meaningless. Amanda Hayes. I was nine and obsessed with her because she never wore shorts under her dress on the monkey bars and I’d get to see her Little Mermaid underwear.”
Finn cracks up. Hey, no one said anything about him not being allowed to laugh.
“Will, you little perv.”
“Oh, you think it’s funny, but I haven’t finished. It has a very tragic ending. So, I finally work up the nerve to kiss her on the play ground and she completely rejects me. Shoves me away and screams that she hates me because I have stupid hair. And she told everyone in our class I had cooties.”
Will dramatically wipes away a fake tear.
“Broke my heart. Thus began my history of unsuccessful heterosexual relationships. I probably should have taken it as a sign.”
“You’re right, that is a true tragedy…you totally deserve another shot at a first kiss for that one.”
The kiss stays an innocent playground type brushing of their mouths for maybe half a second before it devolves into something else, Will sucking on his tongue and fisting the hem of Finn’s shirt in his hand while he buries his hands in Will’s not stupid hair.
It’s pretty obvious neither of them is too worried about cooties.
***
4.
“So, uh…how would you feel about me maybe…tying you up sometime?”
It’s one of those holy shit, I can’t believe that question just got asked questions and he really can’t believe that it’s Will who just asked it.
He just sort of stares at Will because his mind has totally gone blank, like an etch-e-sketch that’s just been shaken up. He’s dimly aware that at some point he possibly nods in assent because Will flashes a slightly relieved smile.
And then the last remaining brain cell in his head immediately commits suicide when Will comments “Or, you could do me…would that be…I mean in all fairness I shouldn’t ask anything I wouldn’t be comfortable with myself.”
Oh yeah, fairness. That’s really what’s at the forefront of his mind right now as he tries not to like, black out at the possibility of putting those dorky ties of Will’s to all sorts of creative uses.
“I-uh-wow. Yeah, um…that would-that would work too. I’ll just…I’ll just you know, think about it.”
Yeah, won’t he just.
****
5.
“Santana? Glee Santana? That Santana?”
“No, Will. Carlos Santana. Yes, that Santana.” He doesn’t mean to be an asshole about it, but they’ve finally entered the potentially embarrassing for him portion of the evening’s questioning and Finn’s not too happy. And to think, he’d been so hopeful earlier when the discussion had turned to sex.
“Long story short, I gave it up like it had an expiration date on it and it lasted about five minutes. Afterwards she totally kicked my ass at Halo. It wasn’t exactly what I’d describe as magical.”
“I…I always thought your first was Rachel.” Will doesn’t sound disappointed in him or disgusted or anything, just sort of surprised.
Yeah, she’d thought so to. And hadn’t that been a fun conversation.
“She was a first, the first I was in love with. Or you know, as much as I could be at the time.”
And that’s the truth. As messy and drama filled and complicated as his relationship with Rachel had been, he had genuinely cared about her and he doesn’t regret it.
“What about the first guy you were with?”
A much longer pause before answering and Will looks vaguely horrified.
“It wasn’t Puck, was it?”
“What? No! God-I-no. God, it’d be like incest. Brett Calder. I met him at a party almost the day I got on campus and he had me back in his dorm room by the end of the night. Basically, he’s OSU’s one man confused college freshman questioning his sexuality welcome wagon. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t even remember my name anymore. So, now you know that both of my first times pretty much fall squarely under the heading of Meaningless Flings That Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time. And considering your first was Terri, and you freaking married her, I’m feeling kind of slutty right about now.”
“Bryan Ryan. My first was Bryan Ryan.”
For a moment his brain tries to be really shocked by this piece of information. And then he sort of steps back and realizes, Huh. Yeah, I could see that.
“Your first, like your first guy? Like you cheated on Terri with him? Or later after your divorce?”
And God help him, but he’s hoping for the former, even if it means Will cheated on his wife. Because if it turns out Will and Bryan Ryan were having epic naughty bad wrong duet filled hate sex while he was dating Rachel and trying to pretend he totally wasn’t crushing on Will, he’s going to be pissed.
“Neither. He wasn’t the first guy I was with, he was my first, first. I wasn’t even dating Terri at the time.”
Okay, that part he’s kind of shocked by.
“On Glee trips. We’d room together and it would just…happen. And we didn’t talk about it afterwards. Ever. It didn’t end well. After all of his petty bullshit about yanking Glee’s funding and fighting over the part in Le Miz, he gave me tickets to the show. Invited me out to dinner. So we could catch up. You know, just like old times. Like I’d ever be dumb enough to get on that merry-go-round again. And I finally got to tell him to go fuck himself. And that, I assure you, was what I’d describe as magical. He’s so full of himself he probably wishes he could.”
Will’s smile is more like a slight twisting of the mouth. And while Finn’s heard the other man’s voice angry or impatient or even sarcastic, this is the first time he’s heard him bitter. The sound of it scrapes across his skin.
Suddenly he gets the feeling that “things didn’t end well” means a lot more than, ‘we had a fight and then decided to see other people.’
“Did you-did you want it to be something else? Were you in love with him?”
“Maybe. Doesn’t really matter, now does it? Cause we were just messing around, right? It didn’t mean we were like, gay or anything.”
Finn’s stomach does a sick little lurch and he flinches.
He has an ugly feeling that’s a Bryan Ryan direct quote.
“Anyway, we stopped rooming together and we stopped hooking up and I asked Terri out a few months later.”
Which translated from Will speak means this: Will and Bryan fucking Ryan had some jacked up whatever happens in the dark at the Ramada in Toledo stays in the dark at the Ramada in Toledo arrangement and Will stupidly fell in love with him (or stupidly told him) and Bryan fucking Ryan broke his heart.
Because besides being a complete and total bastard, Bryan fucking Ryan was clearly also a moron.
And then Will ran right to Terri. Because Terri was hot and Terri was popular and Terri was everything he was supposed to want.
Except for that whole being wrong for him on every level thing.
And being fucking batshit insane.
Christ.
It’s not a dead guy in Reno, but boy does this fucking explain a lot.
He reaches out and touches Will’s arm. The other man is bowstring tense but relaxes slightly when his hand makes contact.
“Hey, if you want me to hate you for being human, you’re in for disappointment. You don’t hold my past against me and I won’t do the same with you. Does-does Terri know about it?”
“Yes. I told her when I told her about you. She wanted to run Bryan over with her car. Oh, and she says I’m a complete and utter asshole for not informing you from the get-go how fucked up I am. She thinks a sweet kid like you deserves to know if he’s being sold a bill of goods.”
“Wow. That’s um…thoughtful of her?” He’s kind of grown attached to his placement of Terri as the evil psycho hose beast who ripped Will’s heart out and stomped on it and having it turn out that she’s actually sort of supportive and overprotective of Will (but still kind of psycho) is hard to wrap his head around.
His shock must show on his face because Will tells him, “I did love her, Finn. As much as I was capable of at the time and sometimes not very well. And as much as it might complicate things, she’s not the devil and I’m far from perfect. And I’m sorry--if that’s what you wanted-that I didn’t tell you all of this sooner---I was scared and stupid and in love with you and also in case you didn’t hear, I’m kind of fucked up.“
Will lets out a sharp ugly laugh that sounds like he’s been gargling with shards of glass.
“God, how can you trust anything I ever say when I can’t even tell you my fucking name?”
Fin wants to run out and track down Bryan fucking Ryan and kick the arrogant, manipulative, cowardly little bastard’s teeth in. He wants to ride shotgun with Terri and cheer her on as she revs the engine and mows Bryan fucking Ryan down.
You know, after he’s done kissing Will. Because while there may be a lot of things he clearly didn’t know about Will before tonight, he’s enough of an expert on the other man to know that this is his version of freaking the fuck out.
So he kisses Will and answers all those questions he’s too scared to say out loud like, No I’m not mad and Of course it doesn’t bother me (and it doesn’t, it really doesn’t except in the abstract sense of it hurts to think that Will ever thought for a single fucking second that Bryan Ryan was all he deserved) and we’re fine, we’re fine, we’re good, I love you, I trust you.
Because he does love Will. Sweet, funny, passionate, caring, dorky, sexy, way, way more complicated than he’d originally guessed Will.
He’d known it before of course. But now he can feel it, viscerally, right down deep in his bones.
No question about it.