Afflictions
title: Afflictions
fandom: Grey's Anatomy
summary: He had been indifferent enough when she hugged him during her first time in Seattle Grace Hospital as a visitor. But when he saw her in the lobby on her second visit...everything he’d said to her before and after he blew her off in that same lobby surged through him and he couldn‘t help but ruminate over things that concerned her.
characters/pairings: Addison, Alex, Alex/Addison undercurrents
genre(s): Angst/Romance
rating: PG-13
note: Secret!Santa gift for
callalily_love @
ga_fanfic. This got longer than I anticipated, and I don't know if this is all that good, but hopefully the recipient will enjoy this. And what with the ending being the way it is, I'm contemplating the possibility of a sequel.
~*~On some level, he had hoped she would hate him so much for it, she would never again turn to him. That way he’d never have to face her again--with that guilt-ridden, ashamed, broken conscious floating on the surface of his mind that could possibly burst out with one single glance from her.
On another level, he hoped she was understanding enough that it poked at a broken morale of his to build it up enough so that he could manage to not only look at her, but also in the mirror without cursing himself.
(The first level was the one more probable. He had sex with her in an on-call room, and then he blew her off. The second level made no sense. How was she to know she wasn’t his girlfriend because he couldn’t be a boyfriend?)
The droplets of inner-conflict that poured into him every once in awhile were so irritating that he wished to be brave and strong whilst being dubbed stubborn and cocky, that sort person everyone was used to hating and turning their backs so he could just do things himself--the person he once was able to be without remorse.
Finding his way back to his initial thoughts, his mind ruminated over the word hope and what it’d done for him in the past. And what it’d done for that one particular woman, Addison, in the past.
He hardly gave her a shot at hope, but somehow she took it, and he found himself struggling against self-blame and self-assurance that it couldn’t be his fault. He didn’t lead her on any more than he told her he wasn’t interested. He had made it perfectly clear that she was his boss, and any actions he took were in response to her being an attending, not on him being remotely attracted to her. Hence, if there had been a balance beam in regards to their attraction to one another or lack thereof on behalf of either individual, she would have been the one to fall two steps in because she was the one attracted to him. And she did fall, and he couldn’t be held responsible--she was the one looking to him for something as he looked the other way.
In the end, Alex Karev knew that she was the one being saved.
“You’re not my girlfriend.”
He meant to hurt her with those words. He meant for her to fall back. He meant for that light in her eyes to be extinguished.
What he hadn’t intended was for her to run and walk away from Seattle Grace Hospital. He thought she was stronger than that. He thought she’d strap on those high heels, pull that lab coat over her designer blouse and skirt, and walk in the next day, head held high and morale stronger than before. Perhaps she was doing that at her fancy private practice in Los Angeles now, however, and he could not deny that moving away was in fact be a power move. Because when she returned for that consult, she looked quite as strong as before.
(Not that he didn’t notice the little misstep she took as she left the hospital that last day as she stepped into the elevator. Neither did he miss the hesitation with which she pressed that elevator button.)
In the end, Alex Karev knew that if anything, he had done her a favor.
A woman like Addison Forbes Montgomery shouldn’t be with a guy like him. And hell, the farther away she was away from a guy like him--and a guy like Mark Sloan or Derek Shepherd--the better.
Then again, Alex wasn‘t absolutely sure if he had saved her, or if rather he saved himself. More often than not, he believed the latter. He’d gone on and saved himself from a latitude of other women, and he was convinced he’d done the same with Addison.
---
She took a step towards optimism, and in the process became a tragedy. And at the end of the road, she became the wreck to end all wrecks. All over some men.
(It was pretty ridiculous, but Pete had once told her that she was the epitome of a beautiful disaster. She had shot him a strange look and decided that talking to him about Derek, Mark, that intern, and Kevin had been a bad idea.)
If she went missing…But when she returned to Seattle Grace Hospital for the first time since she took the job at the Oceanside Wellness Group, Addison didn’t see any signs of Alex Karev missing her. It was then that she forced herself to completely quit from letting him enter her thoughts. She couldn’t even make sense of why she had thought of his words when she saw him then. She just shook her head and continued.
Then came her second visit, in which sometime in the day, their eyes caught, and the worst possible of hopes threaded through her. Him.
She didn’t know what it was, but there seemed to be a universal pause. His eyes were just there when she tilted her head up as she laughed at something that Callie said. There was sadness, but in an instant a quick smirk appeared on his lips and he looked away quickly. Aside from the sadness, there was a glimpse of something she couldn’t place, but it felt like something she had conveyed from her own eyes before. Surely, she thought, she was imagining things. She shook her head and continued.
(She felt his eyes boring into hers and she allowed herself to hope. Just for a second, if even that.)
*
“Alex,” Meredith repeated when Alex didn’t respond the second time. She waved her hand in front of his face, and that seemed to bring him back down from whatever thoughts he was lost in.
“What?” he said while he pushed her arm down.
“I asked how Izzie was doing.”
He scowled, irritated at everyone’s daily need to ask about Izzie. She wasn’t fine and it would take more than a week or two for her to recover, and sometimes she couldn’t look at him when he visited her, and no, therapy wasn’t going any better. But that wasn’t they wanted to hear, nor did they know why it was taking so long for her to recuperate (Izzie had insisted on not worrying anyone more than necessary, leaving Alex and a few others to be the sole bearers of knowing the aneurysm had made her see Denny). He couldn’t tell them that although the aneurysm had been taken care of, her mental state had been what suffered a bit more.
“She’s fine,” he told her and began walking away.
“Hey,” Meredith whined and pursued him.
“What?” he asked through gritted teeth as they walked the corridor of the hospital.
“What the hell is wrong with you? I get that you’ve been…moody since Izzie told us she had an aneurysm, but all day today you’ve just kept…drifting?”
Alex scoffed and turned a corner, only to stop abruptly.
“I’ve got a patient, Mer. Hasn’t Shepherd got a surgery or something for you?”
Meredith cocked an eyebrow at him and placed her hands on her hips.
“Why are you so distracted?” she asked.
He couldn’t say. Mostly because he couldn’t understand why. He was fine at first. He had tossed her aside after having sex with her once, without hardly a wince. Then he hit on her at that wedding that wasn’t with a small little shrug. Finally, he was indifferent enough when she hugged him during her first time in Seattle Grace Hospital as a visitor. But when he saw her in the lobby on her second visit, talking and laughing with Torres, everything he’d said to her before and after he blew her off in that same lobby, surged through him and he couldn‘t help but ruminate over things that concerned her--Addison.
“Because you won’t leave me the hell alone,” Alex answered, turned on his heel, and walked away from Meredith before she kept pestering him about things that didn’t matter anyway.
---
His teeth bit her lower lip, and she trampled on the instinct to slap him. Consequently, the sole of her feet felt the pain when she didn‘t leave him alone in the dark room. It (the pain) was mostly mental, probably due to the “rebound feel” of this entire thing. She had gone back to Derek, she had gone back to Mark, she had gone back to Kevin, and now she was going back to Alex. With each aforementioned man she had given it the good-ol’ college try, had failed, and for some reason or another, had returned to each one only to fail once again.
(This was all bad idea, and it wasn’t just her brain warning her this, but also the statistics from her past.)
Hence, she could hear her conscious yelling at her for being in an on-call room with Alex Karev, kissing him as they took off their clothing. She should have been pushing him away, slapping him, or doing something to drag herself out of that room, but she didn‘t.
Maybe it’s the echo of a pain brought on by the loss of Kevin, even if that had been five weeks ago.
(And the loss was now permanent, which is what really hurt - they had broken up only to make up just to finitely fall apart.)
Maybe it’s the echo of hurt brought on by the loss of Dr. Izzie Stevens.
(Who had incidentally, really broken down, which was strange considering that Addison recalled Dr. Stevens as being strong and formidable, but from what she had heard, she had been anything but that in the last few months.)
And those maybes should have worked as warnings or positive signs to abort any sexual and/or romantic interactions with Alex, who behind Dr. Stevens, had been the most afflicted by the situation. Instead, when he brushed her hand when they passed each other in the hallway, she stopped as did he, and they turned to look each other. They stood frozen for a moment before she let out a soft giggle and rolled her eyes. She had begun turning back to her original direction when he pulled her hand, and in a whirl of a moment, his lips were on hers, and she was kissing him back, and they were falling into an on-call room.
In seventeen hours, Addison would be hauling her luggage back into her car, and leaving Seattle, Washington. That aside, she was sure that in ten minutes, she’d be putting on her blouse as Alex tied the strings of his scrubs pants and left before she even buttoned the last of her buttons on her blouse. Even if by some miracle, they gave themselves those seven hours to just be blissfully ignorant, the clock would wind down and she’d be out of his life and he’d be out of hers. This was stupid and plain careless on her part--for her to allow herself to fall into a bed with Alex again…while he rubbed her breast like that and nipped her shoulder blade and--
“Daydreaming?”
Addison bit back a scowl when Mark interrupted her. She licked her lips and brushed back her hair and looked at him. “I don’t daydream.”
“Uh huh. So, thinking about me, were you?”
“You never change, do you Mark? Well, it’s nice to see some consistency in the world, I suppose.”
“Sure is,” he said with a wink.
Addison ignored him and shoved a file at him. “My patient needs that consult with you. Now. Go.”
“How I’ve missed you barking orders at me,” he said with a sarcastic sigh. Addison waved him off and looked down at her watch. She was supposed to meet Callie at the cafeteria five minutes ago, but her impromptu daydream had distracted her. She rubbed her forehead and muttered to herself, “priorities, Addison” when her beeper set off.
**
“Keep an eye on her, and only beep me after you’ve tried everything--everything--to keep her heart rate steady, Dr. Grey,” Addison ordered the intern who was watching the premature newborn whose heartbeat kept going off irregularly.
Addison pulled off her gloves and dispensed them in the container, and let out an irritated breath. Dr. Grey haplessly paged her when she could have done something for the child instead. Miranda had been right--the interns, residents and even attendings were out of shape and out of practice.
“Who would you usually page to the NICU unit with an emergency were I not here?” Addison asked before she left.
“Uh, D-Dr.Karev?” Dr. Grey stammered.
“Dr. Karev?” Addison repeated, surprised, “how about the obstetrics attending?”
“The Chief keeps firing them, we don’t really have--”
“But Karev?”
“Yeah, he hates when we page him down here, but the Chief insists on Alex helping this department.”
“The Chief’s got it in for me,” Alex said from the door. Addison turned to face him and raised an eyebrow at him.
“Were you paged, Dr. Karev?” Addison asked.
“Yeah, but I was--”
“No excuses,” Addison cut him off, then nodded to the door, “outside.”
Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Addison shot him a look that warned him against doing otherwise, and he stepped back outside. Addison followed him, shut the door the NICU behind her, and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Who left Dr. Grey in charge of the newborn?”
“Dr. Bailey.”
“She your intern?”
“No. She’s Dr. Yang’s.”
“And yet she paged you.”
“Dr. Yang is less than concerned with her interns.”
“And what are you so concerned over that I was forced to attend to the newborn?”
“Dr. Stevens.”
“Excuse me?”
“Dr. Stevens called. She’s coming back a week from tomorrow.”
Addison bit her lower lip then raised her eyes to Alex. “Are you alright?”
He shrugged, but his eyes flitted to the wall behind her.
“You should ask the Chief for some time off.”
Alex brought his eyes to Addison’s, and the five second stare caused her to momentarily feel uncomfortable. “Dr. Karev, these sort of situations are bound to cause distractions and--”
“Is that all, Dr. Montgomery?”
Addison swallowed another sigh. “Yes, Dr. Karev.”
---
Something possessed her to pause at the entrance of the hospital before she left to her hotel room for the night, and look over her shoulder.
To her right was an open space filled only by empty chairs. On one such chair she had taken a seat and told an adolescent man that once upon a time, she took the intern exam and knew a thing or two about anatomy.
To her left, was another space that once made out the shadow of a man who had loved her and been her husband for eleven years, and a shadow of a woman whom he would love in an entirely new capacity that would make Addison envy that woman. Spaces and shadows and unfulfilled promises that felt too damn sorry for her to even give her the courtesy of mocking her.
Addison turned her head back to the doors then, and walked out before she was sucked into either past.
---
When Dr. Karev took a seat beside her on the wall outside of the trauma unit, Addison didn’t even realize it until he spoke.
“You’ve got another surgery in an hour,” he reminded her.
Addison gasped as her eyes flew open.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” he murmured.
She breathed in deeply and shook her head. “No, no. It wasn’t--I hadn’t lost a patient like that in months. And being in an OR, seeing all that blood, and knowing I could change it all--it’s different than saving a patient in a private practice, or a controlled environment in a small hospital like St. Ambrose.”
“There wasn’t much we could do.”
She knew the comment was meant to be comforting, but she still didn’t like the tone with which he conveyed the message.
“Have you ever heard the saying that nothing is impossible?”
“Impossible is nothing,” was his response.
The two looked at other, and a soft smile passed Alex’s lips for a few seconds. “I’ll go tell the nurses to prep the patient,” he told her and nudged her arm with his elbow.
He stood up and left, and Addison chose to ignore the fact that Alex had seen her crying. He hadn’t mentioned it, so they could pretend she had done no such thing.
---
“You kicked ass in that surgery,” Alex complimented Addison while they washed their hands.
“No need to be arrogant, Dr. Karev. But thank you,” Addison smiled.
Alex chuckled and dried his hands.
***
Addison waited for the elevator with a tapping foot, a sign of impatience, when Alex Karev appeared by her side.
“How’s LA?”
Addison have him a wayward glance. “Good…”
“I never liked California,” he remarked.
Addison rolled her eyes. “And I never liked small talk. Didn’t think you were a fan of it, either, Alex.”
Alex grinned. “You called me Alex.”
“What can I say? It’s just one of those days.”
The elevator arrived, and Addison and Alex stepped inside.
After several seconds of silence, Alex ventured to ask, “do you ever think about that day at the church?”
“Excuse me?”
“At Yang’s wedding--when I asked if you wanted to ditch the reception, grab a drink instead?”
“Dr. Karev…,” Addison twisted her neck and clicked her tongue.
“Do you think about it?”
“No,” she snapped at him and began tapping her foot again.
“I do.”
Addison scratched her head and sighed in frustration.
“I don’t know what you’re trying to do Alex, or why in the world you’re bringing this up but I could really care less, so just--”
“I said, maybe I do.”
“Wha--” Addison burrowed her brows and gave him a look of disbelief, but then she brought her hand up, “never mind.”
The elevator bell dinged then, and the doors began opening, but Alex followed behind her when she left the elevator.
“When you said that I wanted Ava, not you, I said maybe--”
Addison stopped short and turned. “You said, maybe, and you know what, even if you had said yes, that you did want me and not her, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere with you. I wouldn’t have believed you Alex, and even if I had believed you, I would’ve looked straight ahead of me and drowned you out. And that’s what I’m going to do now--I’m going to turn around, look straight ahead, drown you out, and leave.”
But he kept on - “and you said we don’t get unlimited chances to have the things we want, and that nothing’s worse than missing an opportunity.”
“Well, too late, Karev--opportunity missed.”
“Then why haven’t you turned around? Why haven’t you drowned me out?”
Addison seemed to be at a loss for an answer. After a drawn out silence, she said, “I hate you.”
“It was a long shot, anyway,” Alex laughed with a bitter tone.
“It always was,” she said with a shrug, and she turned around, and she left.
---
Five minutes later, he was sitting in the same chair that he had been sitting in when he told Addison that she wasn’t his girlfriend. Five minutes later, the doors to the hospital slid open, and Alex heard heels walking in the direction of the area in which he was seated.
She stood in front of him, and he raised his eyes to meet hers.
“What?”
“You’re with Dr. Stevens.”
Alex sat up in his chair. “Who told you that?”
“It’s not exactly a big secret, Alex. The entire hospital seems to know it.”
“They don’t know anything. About me or Izzie, much less about me and Izzie.”
“Point is Alex, that you two are an item.”
“Were. Shit happened. You really think this is all an aneurysm thing?”
“I wouldn’t know. But you could talk about it with me over a drink. Or we could talk about something else.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. Come on,” she nodded to the doors. Alex stood up, and the two headed outside. Before they headed to their respective cars, Addison turned to him and said with a pointed finger - “you mention the church again, and I am gone.”
He laughed but abided, “alright. Is everything else fair game?”
“What do you think, Karev?”
“Fresh start, then?”
Addison contemplated on the idea and pursed her lips. “Fresh start, then,” she nodded with a smile.
“See you at the bar,” Alex grinned.
Addison hung back a bit to watch him walk towards his car. She shook her keychain and let out a breath of contentment. His warm whispers once lured her into hopes that fell through, and his warm touches once consumed and buried her. For all she knew, he was bound to say sweet things that would lay forgotten all over again and his hands could cradle her once second only to slip in the next second, but what with a fresh start was a fresh set of ground rules and this she knew--no ground would deteriorate beneath the soles of her feet ever again without her feet firmly planted in rooted soil.
(Addison liked to believe she was optimistic whilst catering to sufficient realism to not let herself be overwhelmed by what were ultimately fantasies. This belief was the one she had to grab the reins of as she drove to that bar to meet Alex Karev, because she couldn’t slip through some cracks she couldn’t save herself from like she had done with him before.)
fandom: Grey's Anatomy
summary: He had been indifferent enough when she hugged him during her first time in Seattle Grace Hospital as a visitor. But when he saw her in the lobby on her second visit...everything he’d said to her before and after he blew her off in that same lobby surged through him and he couldn‘t help but ruminate over things that concerned her.
characters/pairings: Addison, Alex, Alex/Addison undercurrents
genre(s): Angst/Romance
rating: PG-13
note: Secret!Santa gift for
callalily_love @
ga_fanfic. This got longer than I anticipated, and I don't know if this is all that good, but hopefully the recipient will enjoy this. And what with the ending being the way it is, I'm contemplating the possibility of a sequel.
~*~On some level, he had hoped she would hate him so much for it, she would never again turn to him. That way he’d never have to face her again--with that guilt-ridden, ashamed, broken conscious floating on the surface of his mind that could possibly burst out with one single glance from her.
On another level, he hoped she was understanding enough that it poked at a broken morale of his to build it up enough so that he could manage to not only look at her, but also in the mirror without cursing himself.
(The first level was the one more probable. He had sex with her in an on-call room, and then he blew her off. The second level made no sense. How was she to know she wasn’t his girlfriend because he couldn’t be a boyfriend?)
The droplets of inner-conflict that poured into him every once in awhile were so irritating that he wished to be brave and strong whilst being dubbed stubborn and cocky, that sort person everyone was used to hating and turning their backs so he could just do things himself--the person he once was able to be without remorse.
Finding his way back to his initial thoughts, his mind ruminated over the word hope and what it’d done for him in the past. And what it’d done for that one particular woman, Addison, in the past.
He hardly gave her a shot at hope, but somehow she took it, and he found himself struggling against self-blame and self-assurance that it couldn’t be his fault. He didn’t lead her on any more than he told her he wasn’t interested. He had made it perfectly clear that she was his boss, and any actions he took were in response to her being an attending, not on him being remotely attracted to her. Hence, if there had been a balance beam in regards to their attraction to one another or lack thereof on behalf of either individual, she would have been the one to fall two steps in because she was the one attracted to him. And she did fall, and he couldn’t be held responsible--she was the one looking to him for something as he looked the other way.
In the end, Alex Karev knew that she was the one being saved.
“You’re not my girlfriend.”
He meant to hurt her with those words. He meant for her to fall back. He meant for that light in her eyes to be extinguished.
What he hadn’t intended was for her to run and walk away from Seattle Grace Hospital. He thought she was stronger than that. He thought she’d strap on those high heels, pull that lab coat over her designer blouse and skirt, and walk in the next day, head held high and morale stronger than before. Perhaps she was doing that at her fancy private practice in Los Angeles now, however, and he could not deny that moving away was in fact be a power move. Because when she returned for that consult, she looked quite as strong as before.
(Not that he didn’t notice the little misstep she took as she left the hospital that last day as she stepped into the elevator. Neither did he miss the hesitation with which she pressed that elevator button.)
In the end, Alex Karev knew that if anything, he had done her a favor.
A woman like Addison Forbes Montgomery shouldn’t be with a guy like him. And hell, the farther away she was away from a guy like him--and a guy like Mark Sloan or Derek Shepherd--the better.
Then again, Alex wasn‘t absolutely sure if he had saved her, or if rather he saved himself. More often than not, he believed the latter. He’d gone on and saved himself from a latitude of other women, and he was convinced he’d done the same with Addison.
---
She took a step towards optimism, and in the process became a tragedy. And at the end of the road, she became the wreck to end all wrecks. All over some men.
(It was pretty ridiculous, but Pete had once told her that she was the epitome of a beautiful disaster. She had shot him a strange look and decided that talking to him about Derek, Mark, that intern, and Kevin had been a bad idea.)
If she went missing…But when she returned to Seattle Grace Hospital for the first time since she took the job at the Oceanside Wellness Group, Addison didn’t see any signs of Alex Karev missing her. It was then that she forced herself to completely quit from letting him enter her thoughts. She couldn’t even make sense of why she had thought of his words when she saw him then. She just shook her head and continued.
Then came her second visit, in which sometime in the day, their eyes caught, and the worst possible of hopes threaded through her. Him.
She didn’t know what it was, but there seemed to be a universal pause. His eyes were just there when she tilted her head up as she laughed at something that Callie said. There was sadness, but in an instant a quick smirk appeared on his lips and he looked away quickly. Aside from the sadness, there was a glimpse of something she couldn’t place, but it felt like something she had conveyed from her own eyes before. Surely, she thought, she was imagining things. She shook her head and continued.
(She felt his eyes boring into hers and she allowed herself to hope. Just for a second, if even that.)
*
“Alex,” Meredith repeated when Alex didn’t respond the second time. She waved her hand in front of his face, and that seemed to bring him back down from whatever thoughts he was lost in.
“What?” he said while he pushed her arm down.
“I asked how Izzie was doing.”
He scowled, irritated at everyone’s daily need to ask about Izzie. She wasn’t fine and it would take more than a week or two for her to recover, and sometimes she couldn’t look at him when he visited her, and no, therapy wasn’t going any better. But that wasn’t they wanted to hear, nor did they know why it was taking so long for her to recuperate (Izzie had insisted on not worrying anyone more than necessary, leaving Alex and a few others to be the sole bearers of knowing the aneurysm had made her see Denny). He couldn’t tell them that although the aneurysm had been taken care of, her mental state had been what suffered a bit more.
“She’s fine,” he told her and began walking away.
“Hey,” Meredith whined and pursued him.
“What?” he asked through gritted teeth as they walked the corridor of the hospital.
“What the hell is wrong with you? I get that you’ve been…moody since Izzie told us she had an aneurysm, but all day today you’ve just kept…drifting?”
Alex scoffed and turned a corner, only to stop abruptly.
“I’ve got a patient, Mer. Hasn’t Shepherd got a surgery or something for you?”
Meredith cocked an eyebrow at him and placed her hands on her hips.
“Why are you so distracted?” she asked.
He couldn’t say. Mostly because he couldn’t understand why. He was fine at first. He had tossed her aside after having sex with her once, without hardly a wince. Then he hit on her at that wedding that wasn’t with a small little shrug. Finally, he was indifferent enough when she hugged him during her first time in Seattle Grace Hospital as a visitor. But when he saw her in the lobby on her second visit, talking and laughing with Torres, everything he’d said to her before and after he blew her off in that same lobby, surged through him and he couldn‘t help but ruminate over things that concerned her--Addison.
“Because you won’t leave me the hell alone,” Alex answered, turned on his heel, and walked away from Meredith before she kept pestering him about things that didn’t matter anyway.
---
His teeth bit her lower lip, and she trampled on the instinct to slap him. Consequently, the sole of her feet felt the pain when she didn‘t leave him alone in the dark room. It (the pain) was mostly mental, probably due to the “rebound feel” of this entire thing. She had gone back to Derek, she had gone back to Mark, she had gone back to Kevin, and now she was going back to Alex. With each aforementioned man she had given it the good-ol’ college try, had failed, and for some reason or another, had returned to each one only to fail once again.
(This was all bad idea, and it wasn’t just her brain warning her this, but also the statistics from her past.)
Hence, she could hear her conscious yelling at her for being in an on-call room with Alex Karev, kissing him as they took off their clothing. She should have been pushing him away, slapping him, or doing something to drag herself out of that room, but she didn‘t.
Maybe it’s the echo of a pain brought on by the loss of Kevin, even if that had been five weeks ago.
(And the loss was now permanent, which is what really hurt - they had broken up only to make up just to finitely fall apart.)
Maybe it’s the echo of hurt brought on by the loss of Dr. Izzie Stevens.
(Who had incidentally, really broken down, which was strange considering that Addison recalled Dr. Stevens as being strong and formidable, but from what she had heard, she had been anything but that in the last few months.)
And those maybes should have worked as warnings or positive signs to abort any sexual and/or romantic interactions with Alex, who behind Dr. Stevens, had been the most afflicted by the situation. Instead, when he brushed her hand when they passed each other in the hallway, she stopped as did he, and they turned to look each other. They stood frozen for a moment before she let out a soft giggle and rolled her eyes. She had begun turning back to her original direction when he pulled her hand, and in a whirl of a moment, his lips were on hers, and she was kissing him back, and they were falling into an on-call room.
In seventeen hours, Addison would be hauling her luggage back into her car, and leaving Seattle, Washington. That aside, she was sure that in ten minutes, she’d be putting on her blouse as Alex tied the strings of his scrubs pants and left before she even buttoned the last of her buttons on her blouse. Even if by some miracle, they gave themselves those seven hours to just be blissfully ignorant, the clock would wind down and she’d be out of his life and he’d be out of hers. This was stupid and plain careless on her part--for her to allow herself to fall into a bed with Alex again…while he rubbed her breast like that and nipped her shoulder blade and--
“Daydreaming?”
Addison bit back a scowl when Mark interrupted her. She licked her lips and brushed back her hair and looked at him. “I don’t daydream.”
“Uh huh. So, thinking about me, were you?”
“You never change, do you Mark? Well, it’s nice to see some consistency in the world, I suppose.”
“Sure is,” he said with a wink.
Addison ignored him and shoved a file at him. “My patient needs that consult with you. Now. Go.”
“How I’ve missed you barking orders at me,” he said with a sarcastic sigh. Addison waved him off and looked down at her watch. She was supposed to meet Callie at the cafeteria five minutes ago, but her impromptu daydream had distracted her. She rubbed her forehead and muttered to herself, “priorities, Addison” when her beeper set off.
**
“Keep an eye on her, and only beep me after you’ve tried everything--everything--to keep her heart rate steady, Dr. Grey,” Addison ordered the intern who was watching the premature newborn whose heartbeat kept going off irregularly.
Addison pulled off her gloves and dispensed them in the container, and let out an irritated breath. Dr. Grey haplessly paged her when she could have done something for the child instead. Miranda had been right--the interns, residents and even attendings were out of shape and out of practice.
“Who would you usually page to the NICU unit with an emergency were I not here?” Addison asked before she left.
“Uh, D-Dr.Karev?” Dr. Grey stammered.
“Dr. Karev?” Addison repeated, surprised, “how about the obstetrics attending?”
“The Chief keeps firing them, we don’t really have--”
“But Karev?”
“Yeah, he hates when we page him down here, but the Chief insists on Alex helping this department.”
“The Chief’s got it in for me,” Alex said from the door. Addison turned to face him and raised an eyebrow at him.
“Were you paged, Dr. Karev?” Addison asked.
“Yeah, but I was--”
“No excuses,” Addison cut him off, then nodded to the door, “outside.”
Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Addison shot him a look that warned him against doing otherwise, and he stepped back outside. Addison followed him, shut the door the NICU behind her, and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Who left Dr. Grey in charge of the newborn?”
“Dr. Bailey.”
“She your intern?”
“No. She’s Dr. Yang’s.”
“And yet she paged you.”
“Dr. Yang is less than concerned with her interns.”
“And what are you so concerned over that I was forced to attend to the newborn?”
“Dr. Stevens.”
“Excuse me?”
“Dr. Stevens called. She’s coming back a week from tomorrow.”
Addison bit her lower lip then raised her eyes to Alex. “Are you alright?”
He shrugged, but his eyes flitted to the wall behind her.
“You should ask the Chief for some time off.”
Alex brought his eyes to Addison’s, and the five second stare caused her to momentarily feel uncomfortable. “Dr. Karev, these sort of situations are bound to cause distractions and--”
“Is that all, Dr. Montgomery?”
Addison swallowed another sigh. “Yes, Dr. Karev.”
---
Something possessed her to pause at the entrance of the hospital before she left to her hotel room for the night, and look over her shoulder.
To her right was an open space filled only by empty chairs. On one such chair she had taken a seat and told an adolescent man that once upon a time, she took the intern exam and knew a thing or two about anatomy.
To her left, was another space that once made out the shadow of a man who had loved her and been her husband for eleven years, and a shadow of a woman whom he would love in an entirely new capacity that would make Addison envy that woman. Spaces and shadows and unfulfilled promises that felt too damn sorry for her to even give her the courtesy of mocking her.
Addison turned her head back to the doors then, and walked out before she was sucked into either past.
---
When Dr. Karev took a seat beside her on the wall outside of the trauma unit, Addison didn’t even realize it until he spoke.
“You’ve got another surgery in an hour,” he reminded her.
Addison gasped as her eyes flew open.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” he murmured.
She breathed in deeply and shook her head. “No, no. It wasn’t--I hadn’t lost a patient like that in months. And being in an OR, seeing all that blood, and knowing I could change it all--it’s different than saving a patient in a private practice, or a controlled environment in a small hospital like St. Ambrose.”
“There wasn’t much we could do.”
She knew the comment was meant to be comforting, but she still didn’t like the tone with which he conveyed the message.
“Have you ever heard the saying that nothing is impossible?”
“Impossible is nothing,” was his response.
The two looked at other, and a soft smile passed Alex’s lips for a few seconds. “I’ll go tell the nurses to prep the patient,” he told her and nudged her arm with his elbow.
He stood up and left, and Addison chose to ignore the fact that Alex had seen her crying. He hadn’t mentioned it, so they could pretend she had done no such thing.
---
“You kicked ass in that surgery,” Alex complimented Addison while they washed their hands.
“No need to be arrogant, Dr. Karev. But thank you,” Addison smiled.
Alex chuckled and dried his hands.
***
Addison waited for the elevator with a tapping foot, a sign of impatience, when Alex Karev appeared by her side.
“How’s LA?”
Addison have him a wayward glance. “Good…”
“I never liked California,” he remarked.
Addison rolled her eyes. “And I never liked small talk. Didn’t think you were a fan of it, either, Alex.”
Alex grinned. “You called me Alex.”
“What can I say? It’s just one of those days.”
The elevator arrived, and Addison and Alex stepped inside.
After several seconds of silence, Alex ventured to ask, “do you ever think about that day at the church?”
“Excuse me?”
“At Yang’s wedding--when I asked if you wanted to ditch the reception, grab a drink instead?”
“Dr. Karev…,” Addison twisted her neck and clicked her tongue.
“Do you think about it?”
“No,” she snapped at him and began tapping her foot again.
“I do.”
Addison scratched her head and sighed in frustration.
“I don’t know what you’re trying to do Alex, or why in the world you’re bringing this up but I could really care less, so just--”
“I said, maybe I do.”
“Wha--” Addison burrowed her brows and gave him a look of disbelief, but then she brought her hand up, “never mind.”
The elevator bell dinged then, and the doors began opening, but Alex followed behind her when she left the elevator.
“When you said that I wanted Ava, not you, I said maybe--”
Addison stopped short and turned. “You said, maybe, and you know what, even if you had said yes, that you did want me and not her, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere with you. I wouldn’t have believed you Alex, and even if I had believed you, I would’ve looked straight ahead of me and drowned you out. And that’s what I’m going to do now--I’m going to turn around, look straight ahead, drown you out, and leave.”
But he kept on - “and you said we don’t get unlimited chances to have the things we want, and that nothing’s worse than missing an opportunity.”
“Well, too late, Karev--opportunity missed.”
“Then why haven’t you turned around? Why haven’t you drowned me out?”
Addison seemed to be at a loss for an answer. After a drawn out silence, she said, “I hate you.”
“It was a long shot, anyway,” Alex laughed with a bitter tone.
“It always was,” she said with a shrug, and she turned around, and she left.
---
Five minutes later, he was sitting in the same chair that he had been sitting in when he told Addison that she wasn’t his girlfriend. Five minutes later, the doors to the hospital slid open, and Alex heard heels walking in the direction of the area in which he was seated.
She stood in front of him, and he raised his eyes to meet hers.
“What?”
“You’re with Dr. Stevens.”
Alex sat up in his chair. “Who told you that?”
“It’s not exactly a big secret, Alex. The entire hospital seems to know it.”
“They don’t know anything. About me or Izzie, much less about me and Izzie.”
“Point is Alex, that you two are an item.”
“Were. Shit happened. You really think this is all an aneurysm thing?”
“I wouldn’t know. But you could talk about it with me over a drink. Or we could talk about something else.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. Come on,” she nodded to the doors. Alex stood up, and the two headed outside. Before they headed to their respective cars, Addison turned to him and said with a pointed finger - “you mention the church again, and I am gone.”
He laughed but abided, “alright. Is everything else fair game?”
“What do you think, Karev?”
“Fresh start, then?”
Addison contemplated on the idea and pursed her lips. “Fresh start, then,” she nodded with a smile.
“See you at the bar,” Alex grinned.
Addison hung back a bit to watch him walk towards his car. She shook her keychain and let out a breath of contentment. His warm whispers once lured her into hopes that fell through, and his warm touches once consumed and buried her. For all she knew, he was bound to say sweet things that would lay forgotten all over again and his hands could cradle her once second only to slip in the next second, but what with a fresh start was a fresh set of ground rules and this she knew--no ground would deteriorate beneath the soles of her feet ever again without her feet firmly planted in rooted soil.
(Addison liked to believe she was optimistic whilst catering to sufficient realism to not let herself be overwhelmed by what were ultimately fantasies. This belief was the one she had to grab the reins of as she drove to that bar to meet Alex Karev, because she couldn’t slip through some cracks she couldn’t save herself from like she had done with him before.)