Harry Potter | Draco/Harry
Title: Broken Lives
Pairing: Draco/Harry/Hermione
Rating: R-ish
Warning: Character Death
Summary: ‘I wanted everything.’ Draco finally said, more to himself than to her. ‘I wanted more than just a few hours of ecstatic sex. I wanted to give him all I am and I wanted to have all of him.
originally posted here
A cold wind was blowing in the silence of the cemetery. Dark clouds on the November sky promised rain, as if the whole world was mourning the painful loss. The last golden leaves on the willows were gently rocking in the breeze, saying farewell to the dead.
It was a moment of utter silence in the whole world. Cars stood motionless on the streets, dinner was left forgotten in the oven, work stopped, families gathered around the kitchen table, men deep in thoughts, unable to believe, women letting their tears flow freely, even the children who were too small to understand, knew that something terrible must have happened.
Every heart cried in unison with the black-clad figures around the newly-dug grave, even the smallest animal felt the importance of that moment. The world fell silent as a mark of respect to the departing soul.
It was the end of an era.
Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, Saviour of the Wizarding and Muggle Worlds, was dead.
__________________________________ * _________________________________
The only sound that disturbed this deadly silence was that of lonely footsteps on the gravel of the cemetery-road. Draco Malfoy was slowly approaching the mourning group. His golden hair fell deep in his face and partly covered his pained features. Suddenly one of the mourners noticed him and immediately left the group.
‘What the hell you think you’re doing?’ Ron Weasley hissed behind clenched teeth as soon as he got close enough. Judging by the colour of his face which now matched that of his hair and his puffy eyes, he was much angrier than Draco was comfortable with.
‘Ron, please don’t start…’ Draco tried to calm the other man, but in vain.
‘How could you even think…’
‘Look Ron, all I’m asking for is to have a moment at his grave. I don’t want to cause a scene so please just let me pass.’ Draco pleaded silently, too worn out from the fits of the last week to face an argument.
‘You’ve got some nerve! After all that happened! No Malfoy! I won’t let you humiliate her even more, she has suffered more that enough already!’
‘She’s not the only one, you know… I lo-‘
‘Don’t! Don’t you dare say it! Just go! NOW!’
‘Ron…’
‘LEAVE!’
In his rage, Ron didn’t even notice Hermione coming until she stood at his side, silencing him by just putting her pale hand on his shoulder.
‘It’s ok, Mione! He’ll leave in a second, I promise, don’t worry, love…’
She lifted the hand that was resting on his shoulder and slowly stroked her loyal friend’s unruly red hair. It was amazing how a single touch of the fragile hand calmed the robust, hot tempered man. She didn’t even have to say a word, Ron understood. He silently nodded, shot a last concerned glance at Draco and walked back to his mother who was still sobbing loudly.
Hermione’s eyes first followed Ron and then settled on the misty horizon. Apparently while these terrible months had brought out the worst of Ron, they had made her leave behind the last remnants of her childhood and mature rapidly. She had always been clever and brave - a force of nature, as Harry had always said - but now all her being seemed to radiate an infinite calmness and wisdom though tainted with the unbearable pain of a mourning widow.
______________________________ * ________________________________
‘Married?’ Draco’s voice was hardly more than a broken whisper, barely audible. This one little word had shattered all the dreams and hopes that he had clung to all this time during the war, when he had been spying for the Order, fighting for a better future - for a future with Harry. And later when he had been captured and tortured, the promise of their happiness made him strong. But now all was gone. All his hopes wiped out with a single word.
‘Married.’ he repeated still not believing, not wanting to believe that everything was over.
‘You were the one that left!’ Harry blurted out with deep despair in his voice.
‘I was on a MISSION!’ Draco hissed trying to control his tears.
‘You should have explained! You should have… I… God…I thought you’d left me. I thought you’d just used me to get information about the Order.’
These words hurt Draco more than the tortures of the Death Eaters. How could Harry truly believe that he would be capable of something like that? His thoughts must have been showing because Harry started screaming empty arguments in defence.
‘YOU WERE GONE! JUST LIKE THAT! WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOODBYE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WAKE UP IN AN EMPTY BED! YOU HAVE JUST LEFT ME THERE! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT IN MY PLACE?!’
‘I would have trusted you, Harry.’ Draco said in a cold, silent voice as sad grey eyes met wet green ones. They saw the despair and fear they felt in their heart reflected in the other’s eyes. Draco was the one who finally broke the eye contact and putting on his usual emotionless expression spoke.
‘So, who is the lucky one? That tramp from Ravenclaw or some Gryffindor bitch? Oh, please don’t tell me it’s the Weasel girl!!!!’
‘It’s Hermione…’ Harry muttered bracing himself for the verbal abuse he was sure to have to endure from his former lover. But it never came. Draco just lowered his head and turned away to hide the tears he couldn’t hold back any longer.
‘Good choice. She’ll make you happy…’ he silently said. And by the time Harry looked up, he was gone.
_________________________________ * ________________________________
‘I knew you would come.’ Hermione said in a calm steady voice that brought Draco back to reality. Her tranquillity met him off-guard. He expected her to be furious and hostile, as any ordinary woman would be towards her husband’s lover. But Hermione was no ordinary woman, Draco knew that, and it made him feel even guiltier for betraying her.
‘I’m sorry about Ron. He just… He’s having a difficult time. All those losses in the war and now this… It was just too much for him.’
Draco silently nodded. He knew very well how much Ron and the whole Weasley family had to suffer during the last years. He had heard his father and the other Death Eaters talk about a minor fight where Charlie and Fred had been killed and Percy seriously wounded. He had been there when Bill and his beautiful pregnant wife had been attacked and brutally killed in their home. That was the night when Draco himself had been revealed as a spy when he tried to save their lives.
And later, during the three months he had had to spend in St. Mungo’s, he had heard about the death of Arthur Weasley in the last great battle, where Voldemort was finally defeated. Ron tried to be there for his mother and support her in starting a new life from the ruins, but he soon broke down under the burden. Apparently he started drinking and it was only with the help of Harry and Hermione that he could get out of the hole. But it wasn’t long until the next tragedy from which he could not yet recover - Harry’s death.
‘How are you coping?’ Hermione asked silently, her eyes still directed on a lonely tree in the distance. Draco lifted his head and looked at her for the first time. She was paler than usual and unspeakable pain was written on her face but her eyes weren’t red from crying as Ron’s. She couldn’t cry, she had to stay strong for the rest of the family.
She had to stand by Ron and especially Molly, who was completely at the end of her strength after loosing half of her family and now Harry, whom she had always loved as a son. Hermione was the one who had to organize the funeral and cope with the constant attacks of the media, and if this wasn’t enough already, she had to take care of Anna, her small one-year-old daughter.
Draco admired her courage tremendously and felt ashamed of his self-destructive behaviour since Harry’s death. He only realized that he didn’t answer as he felt her deep brown eyes on himself. He wanted to assure her that he was fine, but found himself incapable of lying to her so just shook his head and looked away.
‘You could come live with Anna and me for a couple of months.’ She said with an uncertain voice. Draco couldn’t believe that Hermione really suggested that. How could she be so forgiving and kind and…
‘Just until you get better.’
‘But… Why?’ Draco gasped.
‘I’ve… I know that you’ve been drinking and taking drugs since Harry… since last week. It… the Daily Prophet has been full of it… and… I just think you shouldn’t be on your own now so-‘
‘No, Hermione, what I meant was, why are you doing this? Why do you behave as if I was a friend?’ Draco interrupted.
‘Well, you were his friend…’
‘NO! I wasn’t his *friend*, I was his LOVER! AND STOP PLAYING THE SAINT, I’M NOT WORTH THE EFFORT!’ Draco yelled furiously.
He was shaking with anger. What Hermione had said did not at all make him feel better, on the contrary, it just made him feel more like a liar. He was dangerously close to crying, so he did what he had constantly been doing for the last week. He started to rage, because shouting and cursing was still better than breaking down.
‘Draco…’ Hermione tried to calm him, because the loud voices have already caught the attention of Ron, who had constantly been watching the strange couple since he had left them alone.
‘NO! SAVE YOUR PITY FOR SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT! I’M JUST A SELFISH BASTARD WHO SEDUCED YOUR HUSBAND! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME!’
‘I know.’ Hermione said calmly with a sad smile on her face. Her tranquillity confused Draco that much that he forgot to yell. He just stared at her in disbelief.
‘Then why don’t you?’ but he got no answer, she just shrugged lightly and turned her face away from him. They were silent. She was watching the vague light of the sun through the mist, and he was watching her, trying to figure out where the fiery, almost annoyingly pedant girl he had known once had gone. They stood like that for what seemed to be an eternity until finally Hermione broke the heavy silence.
‘I’m sorry’ she said not looking at Draco. ‘I’m sorry… for not letting him go.’
‘Don’t start Hermione; you know it was not in your hands. After the article and the scandal…’ he remembered the article of Rita Skeeter from about two months ago clearly: “The Dark Secret of the Boy Who Lived - A Death Eater finds his new Lord”. ‘Nobody would have accepted us; we wouldn’t have had a moment’s peace… but peace was what he needed most… to cope with… the cancer…and-‘
‘I meant two years ago… when you came back…’ Hermione interrupted, finally directing her eyes at Draco. ‘Yes, I knew about you.’ she answered the question she found in his eyes. ‘I already knew that he loved you; even before he himself realized it.’
‘But. How?’ Draco managed to ask breathlessly.
‘I think I realized it at the Yule Ball in 4th year. He was upset the whole evening. First I thought it was because of Cho dancing with Cedric all the time - I guess that’s what he himself believed - but then I saw how his eyes always found you and Pansy without even noticing it.’
Draco remembered the tortures of watching Harry, who he had secretly been in love with since returning for their 4th year, sulk in a corner while he himself had to dance with Pansy for hours. All he had wanted then was to go to Harry and tell him what he felt, but he wasn’t ready to face a rejection. So he said nothing.
‘I don’t know what exactly made Harry realize his feelings for you’ Hermione continued ‘but when the 6th year started I could tell something was different. He was confused and scared. I remember how he tried to suppress his longing for you; but I saw how despite all his efforts his eyes always seemed to find you during meals; I heard how his voice was shaking during your fights - others thought it was anger but I knew the truth, it was desire. And I also noticed when he finally gave in and took the first step.’
__________________________________ * _____________________________
‘SHUT UP, MALFOY!’
Harry’s emerald eyes were full of anger, passion and something else, as he was holding Draco firmly against the wall. How Draco loved those sparkling eyes! To see Harry like that was worth risking bruised arms and maybe even a broken nose (who knows what the boy is capable of). Draco put on his usual self-confident smirk, which he was sure, would make the Gryffindor loose control.
It worked. Harry’s grip on his arms got stronger and he was shaking visibly. Draco knew what would come next and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the inevitable blow in the face. But instead he suddenly felt soft, trembling lips pressed against his own. He opened his eyes just to see that Harry’s were closed.
He felt Harry’s grip loosen as the dark haired boy, suddenly realizing what he was doing, looked up with fear and lust mingled in his eyes, and with his lips still pressed on Draco’s. Before Harry could say anything or leave, Draco grabbed him firmly and did what he had been longing to do for the last two years - he kissed back.
_________________________________ * _______________________________
Draco was so lost in the memories of his first kiss with Harry that he hardly heard that Hermione was talking again.
‘… to see him laughing again. Those weeks must have been the happiest of his life.’ she sighed deeply. ‘But when you where gone, he was shattered. He didn’t eat, just sat in the Great Hall watching your empty seat. Instead of sleeping he just stared out of the window, as if waiting for you to come back.’ Draco snorted. That was exactly what he didn’t want to hear about.
‘Nobody except me knew what was wrong, so they just made everything worse by trying to fix him up with some girl or saying things like: “At least you don’t have to see Malfoy’s sneer anymore”. Only I saw that he was on the verge of crying whenever they mentioned you. I guess that’s how it all started between us. I found the right words to at least slightly easy his pain. He found peace in my arms but his heart always called for you.’
_________________________________ * __________________________________
‘Draco’ Harry moaned deeply as he felt a slick finger entering him and pushed back on Draco’s hand. ‘Draco… please… I need you.’
Normally Draco would have smiled at the impatience of his lover, but he had no patience left either. It’s been too long since they have last seen each other. Four months. Because Harry didn’t want to leave Hermione’s side in the last month of her pregnancy, and later, after she had given birth to their beautiful daughter, Anna, he just couldn’t stand to be away from his first child.
Draco wasn’t surprised. He had only seen the baby once when he accidentally bumped into Hermione on the street the other day, but the clever little thing stole his heart already. He remembered how she slowly opened her huge green eyes, looked at him mischievously and grabbed his nose with her small hands. How he whished it could be his child and not Hermione’s.
‘Draco…’ Harry’s voice sounded almost desperate and made Draco leave his sad thoughts behind and push slowly inside of his lover.
Draco caught his breath as he felt Harry tight around him. It was almost more than he could bear. He was still for a while; trying to take in all that made this one moment worth all the heartache he would feel when Harry left him again.
How he loved the long fingers around his arms, which would surely leave marks behind, marking him as Harry’s, how he loved the red lips which now parted in a deep moan, how he loved those green eyes, which were now hidden behind closed eyelids. He felt strong legs around his waist, urging him to move. And he couldn’t deny it.
The room slowly began to move in unison with his deep thrusts. All coherent thought left him as the world slowly melted away until nothing else was left only their rocking motions. It was like drifting on the open sea in a violent storm, being pushed down by huge waves. He was drowning and longed for it. He heard Harry cry out his name as they climaxed together in one short moment of endless bliss and completeness…
The world slowly started to build up again, the room stopped moving, and Draco reluctantly let himself plunge back into reality. He didn’t want this dream to end. He wasn’t ready to let Harry go. Not yet. Not so soon. Never.
‘I love you’ he immediately felt Harry tense underneath him. He shouldn’t have said that.
‘I have to go’ Harry said pushing himself away from Draco and started to search for his clothes, which he had been so anxious to get rid of about half an hour ago.
‘What did you tell her this time?’ Draco asked coldly. But he received no answer just an icy look. ‘Come on, tell me, Harry! What is it today? Another little trip to search for hiding followers of Voldemort? For how long do you think you can use this excuse?’
Harry pretended not to hear the bitter words, but it was apparent how he got more and more angry with every minute. He wanted to leave as soon as possible. But in his hurry he just managed to fall over as he tried to pull on his jeans.
‘Fuck!’
‘Oh, I think we have already done that’ Draco said in his old Slytherin voice.
‘What is your problem?’ Draco didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at Harry, just stared out of the window.
‘Do you think I like this? Do you think I like cheating on the one person who was always there for me? Well, I don’t! You started this, not me! I never wanted…’
‘Yeah? And who was begging me to ‘fuck him senseless’ just half an hour ago?’ Draco interrupted angrily.
‘You’re the one who forcefully tries to maintain this… whatever this is! I’ve tried to break off with you several times, but you don’t even leave me time to tell you it’s over, you’re all over me as soon as I enter the room!’
‘Maybe next time you should try sending a letter then!’
‘I’ve had it!’ Harry yelled furiously. ‘This was the last time I came here! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN YOU FUCKING DEATH EATER! I HATE YOU!’
And with a loud bang of the door Harry was gone, leaving Draco sitting on the large bed, trying to fight his tears back. He knew Harry didn’t mean it, he never did. This has become a ritual between them. Harry would come, they would make love and it would always end with a fight. It was easier this way. Easier than parting with kisses, conscious of what they could never really have. They both knew Harry would come back soon. He always did.
_________________________________ * __________________________________
‘I always knew he belonged to you.’ Hermione said after a long silence. ‘Whenever he kissed me, he saw you; whenever he came deep inside of me, he imagined it was you who brought him to his climax; when he asked me after the war to marry him, he wished he could ask you instead.’
Draco opened his mouth to intervene but at the strange look on Hermione’s face he didn’t dare to say anything. She seemed calm as before, only the light flush on her pale cheeks and her strained brown eyes showed that she felt great pain when saying these things. But Draco knew she needed to voice the feelings she had been suppressing for so long, so he remained silent.
‘I should have said no. I should have told him to search for you and wait for an explanation. But I didn’t. I was too selfish to let him go after waiting for him for so long. I loved him too much to just push him away. I was so happy with him. But when you came back a month after the wedding, I knew it was over. I knew he would give in finally, no matter how hard he tried to be… faithful to me. I should have said something before… I should have… But I didn’t.’
Draco turned away; he couldn’t bear looking at her. He didn’t want to feel sorry for her. He wanted to go back to blaming her for everything. He wanted to continue hating her for taking Harry away from him. But now, as she was voicing what he had felt every time Harry left to go back to her, Draco couldn’t help realizing how unfair he had been.
‘I hated you’ she said silently without looking at him. ‘I hated you for all the lies he had told me. I hated you when I knelt next to him beside the toilet, holding his sweaty hand as he vomited. I hated you because you had only his good moments while I had the burden of nursing him. And when your affair was revealed, I hated you for not being more careful. I hated you when I sat at Harry’s bed, holding his cold hand, listening to his last words. I hated you because he longed for you to be there, even if he didn’t say so. I hated you. But I hated myself even more for tying him to me when I knew his heart belonged to you. I thought he must hate me too. But he didn’t. His last words were: “You gave me peace in a lifetime of war.* I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you deserved it.”’
‘Stop torturing yourself.’ was all Draco managed to say. He didn’t want to hear all this. It was too much. It just hurt too much. It hurt to hear how much Hermione had to endure all this years. It hurt to think of what he could have had with Harry. And it hurt to loose him forever.
‘He also asked me… to tell you… that… he loved-‘
‘Don’t!’ Draco interrupted harshly.
‘Draco…’
‘It doesn’t matter, Hermione! He stayed with you. He *chose* to stay with you. I only got the chance to fuck him now and then. So don’t tell me he belonged to me and lo… because it is a lie!’
‘Dra-‘
‘Don’t… please.’ he silently pleaded. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to say what he felt, but he was scared. Scared that once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop and would fall apart completely.
‘I wanted everything.’ Draco finally said, more to himself than to her. ‘I wanted more than just a few hours of ecstatic sex. I wanted to give him all I am and I wanted to have all of him. I wanted both his hopes and fears. I… I would have helped him through this, I would have given him strength to hold on, but… but he didn’t even tell me! He didn’t even tell me he was ill, until he decided to stop the therapy.’
________________________________ * _________________________________
‘You can’t make this decision on your own!’
‘I didn’t. I have discussed it with Hermione.’
_________________________________ * ________________________________
‘He didn’t even ask me.’ Draco’s pained voice trembled from the long suppressed crying. ‘He discussed it with you. You were the one he wanted at his side, not me. You were the one he trusted enough to ask for advice. You were the one who was at his bed when he died…I…I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye…’
When first bitter tears started rolling down his pale cheeks, he still tried to fight them back. But when Hermione placed and uncertain hand on his shoulder, something broke in him. He leaned closer, buried his face in the crook of her neck and started sobbing loudly. And Hermione, though taken off-guard by this sudden outburst, returned the embrace and did what she had been doing all her life - she offered strength.
Long minutes passed like that. Draco savoured the feeling of having her gentle arms around his shoulders and soaked in all the courage and hope Hermione tried to give. She reminded him of Harry. And the way Harry had embraced him protectively that night some weeks ago after telling Draco that he had cancer and would die soon. Too soon.
____________________________________ * _______________________________
‘No… you can’t… you can’t die! There are ways… I… I don’t accept this… I… God… Harry… oh, God… please don’t leave me… I need you… I love you…
_________________________________ * _________________________________
‘Oh, God… I can’t… I love him so much!... I… I don’t know how to live without him!’
‘Me neither.’ Hermione replied silently while slowly stroking his blond hair as if he was a child. At this Draco slowly lifted his eyes and looked at her. They suddenly felt a strong bond between their hearts. They knew too well what the other was feeling. No matter how many wizards and witches were mourning Harry Potter, their Saviour, only Draco and Hermione knew what it really meant to loose Harry.
‘Thank you’ Draco muttered and reluctantly turned to go. But after a few steps he looked back at Hermione, who was looking into the distance again. She looked terribly old, even though she was only 22. She had given so much strength to others first during the war, then during Harry’s illness and now after his death, than she had none left for herself.
Facing Draco took her last strength and he knew she would finally break down one of these days. But at least she was not alone. She had friends who would help her recover from her loss. And Draco knew she would eventually find love where she would never have expected it. He could only hope that Ron Weasley, who was still watching him with suspicion, would not screw it up.
He looked at Ron for a moment, and nodded slightly. To his great surprise he saw Ron return the gesture. Then Draco looked back at Hermione, who was still deep in thoughts, and slowly spoke.
‘You’re a remarkable woman Hermione Granger. Harry was lucky to have you by his side.’ And with that he turned and left without seeing Hermione’s grateful smile.
She watched him as he disappeared in the thick mist, not knowing that she was the last person who saw Draco before his aching heart followed Harry’s call.
Pairing: Draco/Harry/Hermione
Rating: R-ish
Warning: Character Death
Summary: ‘I wanted everything.’ Draco finally said, more to himself than to her. ‘I wanted more than just a few hours of ecstatic sex. I wanted to give him all I am and I wanted to have all of him.
originally posted here
A cold wind was blowing in the silence of the cemetery. Dark clouds on the November sky promised rain, as if the whole world was mourning the painful loss. The last golden leaves on the willows were gently rocking in the breeze, saying farewell to the dead.
It was a moment of utter silence in the whole world. Cars stood motionless on the streets, dinner was left forgotten in the oven, work stopped, families gathered around the kitchen table, men deep in thoughts, unable to believe, women letting their tears flow freely, even the children who were too small to understand, knew that something terrible must have happened.
Every heart cried in unison with the black-clad figures around the newly-dug grave, even the smallest animal felt the importance of that moment. The world fell silent as a mark of respect to the departing soul.
It was the end of an era.
Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, Saviour of the Wizarding and Muggle Worlds, was dead.
__________________________________ * _________________________________
The only sound that disturbed this deadly silence was that of lonely footsteps on the gravel of the cemetery-road. Draco Malfoy was slowly approaching the mourning group. His golden hair fell deep in his face and partly covered his pained features. Suddenly one of the mourners noticed him and immediately left the group.
‘What the hell you think you’re doing?’ Ron Weasley hissed behind clenched teeth as soon as he got close enough. Judging by the colour of his face which now matched that of his hair and his puffy eyes, he was much angrier than Draco was comfortable with.
‘Ron, please don’t start…’ Draco tried to calm the other man, but in vain.
‘How could you even think…’
‘Look Ron, all I’m asking for is to have a moment at his grave. I don’t want to cause a scene so please just let me pass.’ Draco pleaded silently, too worn out from the fits of the last week to face an argument.
‘You’ve got some nerve! After all that happened! No Malfoy! I won’t let you humiliate her even more, she has suffered more that enough already!’
‘She’s not the only one, you know… I lo-‘
‘Don’t! Don’t you dare say it! Just go! NOW!’
‘Ron…’
‘LEAVE!’
In his rage, Ron didn’t even notice Hermione coming until she stood at his side, silencing him by just putting her pale hand on his shoulder.
‘It’s ok, Mione! He’ll leave in a second, I promise, don’t worry, love…’
She lifted the hand that was resting on his shoulder and slowly stroked her loyal friend’s unruly red hair. It was amazing how a single touch of the fragile hand calmed the robust, hot tempered man. She didn’t even have to say a word, Ron understood. He silently nodded, shot a last concerned glance at Draco and walked back to his mother who was still sobbing loudly.
Hermione’s eyes first followed Ron and then settled on the misty horizon. Apparently while these terrible months had brought out the worst of Ron, they had made her leave behind the last remnants of her childhood and mature rapidly. She had always been clever and brave - a force of nature, as Harry had always said - but now all her being seemed to radiate an infinite calmness and wisdom though tainted with the unbearable pain of a mourning widow.
______________________________ * ________________________________
‘Married?’ Draco’s voice was hardly more than a broken whisper, barely audible. This one little word had shattered all the dreams and hopes that he had clung to all this time during the war, when he had been spying for the Order, fighting for a better future - for a future with Harry. And later when he had been captured and tortured, the promise of their happiness made him strong. But now all was gone. All his hopes wiped out with a single word.
‘Married.’ he repeated still not believing, not wanting to believe that everything was over.
‘You were the one that left!’ Harry blurted out with deep despair in his voice.
‘I was on a MISSION!’ Draco hissed trying to control his tears.
‘You should have explained! You should have… I… God…I thought you’d left me. I thought you’d just used me to get information about the Order.’
These words hurt Draco more than the tortures of the Death Eaters. How could Harry truly believe that he would be capable of something like that? His thoughts must have been showing because Harry started screaming empty arguments in defence.
‘YOU WERE GONE! JUST LIKE THAT! WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOODBYE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WAKE UP IN AN EMPTY BED! YOU HAVE JUST LEFT ME THERE! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT IN MY PLACE?!’
‘I would have trusted you, Harry.’ Draco said in a cold, silent voice as sad grey eyes met wet green ones. They saw the despair and fear they felt in their heart reflected in the other’s eyes. Draco was the one who finally broke the eye contact and putting on his usual emotionless expression spoke.
‘So, who is the lucky one? That tramp from Ravenclaw or some Gryffindor bitch? Oh, please don’t tell me it’s the Weasel girl!!!!’
‘It’s Hermione…’ Harry muttered bracing himself for the verbal abuse he was sure to have to endure from his former lover. But it never came. Draco just lowered his head and turned away to hide the tears he couldn’t hold back any longer.
‘Good choice. She’ll make you happy…’ he silently said. And by the time Harry looked up, he was gone.
_________________________________ * ________________________________
‘I knew you would come.’ Hermione said in a calm steady voice that brought Draco back to reality. Her tranquillity met him off-guard. He expected her to be furious and hostile, as any ordinary woman would be towards her husband’s lover. But Hermione was no ordinary woman, Draco knew that, and it made him feel even guiltier for betraying her.
‘I’m sorry about Ron. He just… He’s having a difficult time. All those losses in the war and now this… It was just too much for him.’
Draco silently nodded. He knew very well how much Ron and the whole Weasley family had to suffer during the last years. He had heard his father and the other Death Eaters talk about a minor fight where Charlie and Fred had been killed and Percy seriously wounded. He had been there when Bill and his beautiful pregnant wife had been attacked and brutally killed in their home. That was the night when Draco himself had been revealed as a spy when he tried to save their lives.
And later, during the three months he had had to spend in St. Mungo’s, he had heard about the death of Arthur Weasley in the last great battle, where Voldemort was finally defeated. Ron tried to be there for his mother and support her in starting a new life from the ruins, but he soon broke down under the burden. Apparently he started drinking and it was only with the help of Harry and Hermione that he could get out of the hole. But it wasn’t long until the next tragedy from which he could not yet recover - Harry’s death.
‘How are you coping?’ Hermione asked silently, her eyes still directed on a lonely tree in the distance. Draco lifted his head and looked at her for the first time. She was paler than usual and unspeakable pain was written on her face but her eyes weren’t red from crying as Ron’s. She couldn’t cry, she had to stay strong for the rest of the family.
She had to stand by Ron and especially Molly, who was completely at the end of her strength after loosing half of her family and now Harry, whom she had always loved as a son. Hermione was the one who had to organize the funeral and cope with the constant attacks of the media, and if this wasn’t enough already, she had to take care of Anna, her small one-year-old daughter.
Draco admired her courage tremendously and felt ashamed of his self-destructive behaviour since Harry’s death. He only realized that he didn’t answer as he felt her deep brown eyes on himself. He wanted to assure her that he was fine, but found himself incapable of lying to her so just shook his head and looked away.
‘You could come live with Anna and me for a couple of months.’ She said with an uncertain voice. Draco couldn’t believe that Hermione really suggested that. How could she be so forgiving and kind and…
‘Just until you get better.’
‘But… Why?’ Draco gasped.
‘I’ve… I know that you’ve been drinking and taking drugs since Harry… since last week. It… the Daily Prophet has been full of it… and… I just think you shouldn’t be on your own now so-‘
‘No, Hermione, what I meant was, why are you doing this? Why do you behave as if I was a friend?’ Draco interrupted.
‘Well, you were his friend…’
‘NO! I wasn’t his *friend*, I was his LOVER! AND STOP PLAYING THE SAINT, I’M NOT WORTH THE EFFORT!’ Draco yelled furiously.
He was shaking with anger. What Hermione had said did not at all make him feel better, on the contrary, it just made him feel more like a liar. He was dangerously close to crying, so he did what he had constantly been doing for the last week. He started to rage, because shouting and cursing was still better than breaking down.
‘Draco…’ Hermione tried to calm him, because the loud voices have already caught the attention of Ron, who had constantly been watching the strange couple since he had left them alone.
‘NO! SAVE YOUR PITY FOR SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT! I’M JUST A SELFISH BASTARD WHO SEDUCED YOUR HUSBAND! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME!’
‘I know.’ Hermione said calmly with a sad smile on her face. Her tranquillity confused Draco that much that he forgot to yell. He just stared at her in disbelief.
‘Then why don’t you?’ but he got no answer, she just shrugged lightly and turned her face away from him. They were silent. She was watching the vague light of the sun through the mist, and he was watching her, trying to figure out where the fiery, almost annoyingly pedant girl he had known once had gone. They stood like that for what seemed to be an eternity until finally Hermione broke the heavy silence.
‘I’m sorry’ she said not looking at Draco. ‘I’m sorry… for not letting him go.’
‘Don’t start Hermione; you know it was not in your hands. After the article and the scandal…’ he remembered the article of Rita Skeeter from about two months ago clearly: “The Dark Secret of the Boy Who Lived - A Death Eater finds his new Lord”. ‘Nobody would have accepted us; we wouldn’t have had a moment’s peace… but peace was what he needed most… to cope with… the cancer…and-‘
‘I meant two years ago… when you came back…’ Hermione interrupted, finally directing her eyes at Draco. ‘Yes, I knew about you.’ she answered the question she found in his eyes. ‘I already knew that he loved you; even before he himself realized it.’
‘But. How?’ Draco managed to ask breathlessly.
‘I think I realized it at the Yule Ball in 4th year. He was upset the whole evening. First I thought it was because of Cho dancing with Cedric all the time - I guess that’s what he himself believed - but then I saw how his eyes always found you and Pansy without even noticing it.’
Draco remembered the tortures of watching Harry, who he had secretly been in love with since returning for their 4th year, sulk in a corner while he himself had to dance with Pansy for hours. All he had wanted then was to go to Harry and tell him what he felt, but he wasn’t ready to face a rejection. So he said nothing.
‘I don’t know what exactly made Harry realize his feelings for you’ Hermione continued ‘but when the 6th year started I could tell something was different. He was confused and scared. I remember how he tried to suppress his longing for you; but I saw how despite all his efforts his eyes always seemed to find you during meals; I heard how his voice was shaking during your fights - others thought it was anger but I knew the truth, it was desire. And I also noticed when he finally gave in and took the first step.’
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‘SHUT UP, MALFOY!’
Harry’s emerald eyes were full of anger, passion and something else, as he was holding Draco firmly against the wall. How Draco loved those sparkling eyes! To see Harry like that was worth risking bruised arms and maybe even a broken nose (who knows what the boy is capable of). Draco put on his usual self-confident smirk, which he was sure, would make the Gryffindor loose control.
It worked. Harry’s grip on his arms got stronger and he was shaking visibly. Draco knew what would come next and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the inevitable blow in the face. But instead he suddenly felt soft, trembling lips pressed against his own. He opened his eyes just to see that Harry’s were closed.
He felt Harry’s grip loosen as the dark haired boy, suddenly realizing what he was doing, looked up with fear and lust mingled in his eyes, and with his lips still pressed on Draco’s. Before Harry could say anything or leave, Draco grabbed him firmly and did what he had been longing to do for the last two years - he kissed back.
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Draco was so lost in the memories of his first kiss with Harry that he hardly heard that Hermione was talking again.
‘… to see him laughing again. Those weeks must have been the happiest of his life.’ she sighed deeply. ‘But when you where gone, he was shattered. He didn’t eat, just sat in the Great Hall watching your empty seat. Instead of sleeping he just stared out of the window, as if waiting for you to come back.’ Draco snorted. That was exactly what he didn’t want to hear about.
‘Nobody except me knew what was wrong, so they just made everything worse by trying to fix him up with some girl or saying things like: “At least you don’t have to see Malfoy’s sneer anymore”. Only I saw that he was on the verge of crying whenever they mentioned you. I guess that’s how it all started between us. I found the right words to at least slightly easy his pain. He found peace in my arms but his heart always called for you.’
_________________________________ * __________________________________
‘Draco’ Harry moaned deeply as he felt a slick finger entering him and pushed back on Draco’s hand. ‘Draco… please… I need you.’
Normally Draco would have smiled at the impatience of his lover, but he had no patience left either. It’s been too long since they have last seen each other. Four months. Because Harry didn’t want to leave Hermione’s side in the last month of her pregnancy, and later, after she had given birth to their beautiful daughter, Anna, he just couldn’t stand to be away from his first child.
Draco wasn’t surprised. He had only seen the baby once when he accidentally bumped into Hermione on the street the other day, but the clever little thing stole his heart already. He remembered how she slowly opened her huge green eyes, looked at him mischievously and grabbed his nose with her small hands. How he whished it could be his child and not Hermione’s.
‘Draco…’ Harry’s voice sounded almost desperate and made Draco leave his sad thoughts behind and push slowly inside of his lover.
Draco caught his breath as he felt Harry tight around him. It was almost more than he could bear. He was still for a while; trying to take in all that made this one moment worth all the heartache he would feel when Harry left him again.
How he loved the long fingers around his arms, which would surely leave marks behind, marking him as Harry’s, how he loved the red lips which now parted in a deep moan, how he loved those green eyes, which were now hidden behind closed eyelids. He felt strong legs around his waist, urging him to move. And he couldn’t deny it.
The room slowly began to move in unison with his deep thrusts. All coherent thought left him as the world slowly melted away until nothing else was left only their rocking motions. It was like drifting on the open sea in a violent storm, being pushed down by huge waves. He was drowning and longed for it. He heard Harry cry out his name as they climaxed together in one short moment of endless bliss and completeness…
The world slowly started to build up again, the room stopped moving, and Draco reluctantly let himself plunge back into reality. He didn’t want this dream to end. He wasn’t ready to let Harry go. Not yet. Not so soon. Never.
‘I love you’ he immediately felt Harry tense underneath him. He shouldn’t have said that.
‘I have to go’ Harry said pushing himself away from Draco and started to search for his clothes, which he had been so anxious to get rid of about half an hour ago.
‘What did you tell her this time?’ Draco asked coldly. But he received no answer just an icy look. ‘Come on, tell me, Harry! What is it today? Another little trip to search for hiding followers of Voldemort? For how long do you think you can use this excuse?’
Harry pretended not to hear the bitter words, but it was apparent how he got more and more angry with every minute. He wanted to leave as soon as possible. But in his hurry he just managed to fall over as he tried to pull on his jeans.
‘Fuck!’
‘Oh, I think we have already done that’ Draco said in his old Slytherin voice.
‘What is your problem?’ Draco didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at Harry, just stared out of the window.
‘Do you think I like this? Do you think I like cheating on the one person who was always there for me? Well, I don’t! You started this, not me! I never wanted…’
‘Yeah? And who was begging me to ‘fuck him senseless’ just half an hour ago?’ Draco interrupted angrily.
‘You’re the one who forcefully tries to maintain this… whatever this is! I’ve tried to break off with you several times, but you don’t even leave me time to tell you it’s over, you’re all over me as soon as I enter the room!’
‘Maybe next time you should try sending a letter then!’
‘I’ve had it!’ Harry yelled furiously. ‘This was the last time I came here! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN YOU FUCKING DEATH EATER! I HATE YOU!’
And with a loud bang of the door Harry was gone, leaving Draco sitting on the large bed, trying to fight his tears back. He knew Harry didn’t mean it, he never did. This has become a ritual between them. Harry would come, they would make love and it would always end with a fight. It was easier this way. Easier than parting with kisses, conscious of what they could never really have. They both knew Harry would come back soon. He always did.
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‘I always knew he belonged to you.’ Hermione said after a long silence. ‘Whenever he kissed me, he saw you; whenever he came deep inside of me, he imagined it was you who brought him to his climax; when he asked me after the war to marry him, he wished he could ask you instead.’
Draco opened his mouth to intervene but at the strange look on Hermione’s face he didn’t dare to say anything. She seemed calm as before, only the light flush on her pale cheeks and her strained brown eyes showed that she felt great pain when saying these things. But Draco knew she needed to voice the feelings she had been suppressing for so long, so he remained silent.
‘I should have said no. I should have told him to search for you and wait for an explanation. But I didn’t. I was too selfish to let him go after waiting for him for so long. I loved him too much to just push him away. I was so happy with him. But when you came back a month after the wedding, I knew it was over. I knew he would give in finally, no matter how hard he tried to be… faithful to me. I should have said something before… I should have… But I didn’t.’
Draco turned away; he couldn’t bear looking at her. He didn’t want to feel sorry for her. He wanted to go back to blaming her for everything. He wanted to continue hating her for taking Harry away from him. But now, as she was voicing what he had felt every time Harry left to go back to her, Draco couldn’t help realizing how unfair he had been.
‘I hated you’ she said silently without looking at him. ‘I hated you for all the lies he had told me. I hated you when I knelt next to him beside the toilet, holding his sweaty hand as he vomited. I hated you because you had only his good moments while I had the burden of nursing him. And when your affair was revealed, I hated you for not being more careful. I hated you when I sat at Harry’s bed, holding his cold hand, listening to his last words. I hated you because he longed for you to be there, even if he didn’t say so. I hated you. But I hated myself even more for tying him to me when I knew his heart belonged to you. I thought he must hate me too. But he didn’t. His last words were: “You gave me peace in a lifetime of war.* I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you deserved it.”’
‘Stop torturing yourself.’ was all Draco managed to say. He didn’t want to hear all this. It was too much. It just hurt too much. It hurt to hear how much Hermione had to endure all this years. It hurt to think of what he could have had with Harry. And it hurt to loose him forever.
‘He also asked me… to tell you… that… he loved-‘
‘Don’t!’ Draco interrupted harshly.
‘Draco…’
‘It doesn’t matter, Hermione! He stayed with you. He *chose* to stay with you. I only got the chance to fuck him now and then. So don’t tell me he belonged to me and lo… because it is a lie!’
‘Dra-‘
‘Don’t… please.’ he silently pleaded. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to say what he felt, but he was scared. Scared that once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop and would fall apart completely.
‘I wanted everything.’ Draco finally said, more to himself than to her. ‘I wanted more than just a few hours of ecstatic sex. I wanted to give him all I am and I wanted to have all of him. I wanted both his hopes and fears. I… I would have helped him through this, I would have given him strength to hold on, but… but he didn’t even tell me! He didn’t even tell me he was ill, until he decided to stop the therapy.’
________________________________ * _________________________________
‘You can’t make this decision on your own!’
‘I didn’t. I have discussed it with Hermione.’
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‘He didn’t even ask me.’ Draco’s pained voice trembled from the long suppressed crying. ‘He discussed it with you. You were the one he wanted at his side, not me. You were the one he trusted enough to ask for advice. You were the one who was at his bed when he died…I…I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye…’
When first bitter tears started rolling down his pale cheeks, he still tried to fight them back. But when Hermione placed and uncertain hand on his shoulder, something broke in him. He leaned closer, buried his face in the crook of her neck and started sobbing loudly. And Hermione, though taken off-guard by this sudden outburst, returned the embrace and did what she had been doing all her life - she offered strength.
Long minutes passed like that. Draco savoured the feeling of having her gentle arms around his shoulders and soaked in all the courage and hope Hermione tried to give. She reminded him of Harry. And the way Harry had embraced him protectively that night some weeks ago after telling Draco that he had cancer and would die soon. Too soon.
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‘No… you can’t… you can’t die! There are ways… I… I don’t accept this… I… God… Harry… oh, God… please don’t leave me… I need you… I love you…
_________________________________ * _________________________________
‘Oh, God… I can’t… I love him so much!... I… I don’t know how to live without him!’
‘Me neither.’ Hermione replied silently while slowly stroking his blond hair as if he was a child. At this Draco slowly lifted his eyes and looked at her. They suddenly felt a strong bond between their hearts. They knew too well what the other was feeling. No matter how many wizards and witches were mourning Harry Potter, their Saviour, only Draco and Hermione knew what it really meant to loose Harry.
‘Thank you’ Draco muttered and reluctantly turned to go. But after a few steps he looked back at Hermione, who was looking into the distance again. She looked terribly old, even though she was only 22. She had given so much strength to others first during the war, then during Harry’s illness and now after his death, than she had none left for herself.
Facing Draco took her last strength and he knew she would finally break down one of these days. But at least she was not alone. She had friends who would help her recover from her loss. And Draco knew she would eventually find love where she would never have expected it. He could only hope that Ron Weasley, who was still watching him with suspicion, would not screw it up.
He looked at Ron for a moment, and nodded slightly. To his great surprise he saw Ron return the gesture. Then Draco looked back at Hermione, who was still deep in thoughts, and slowly spoke.
‘You’re a remarkable woman Hermione Granger. Harry was lucky to have you by his side.’ And with that he turned and left without seeing Hermione’s grateful smile.
She watched him as he disappeared in the thick mist, not knowing that she was the last person who saw Draco before his aching heart followed Harry’s call.