Something about being alone.
There’s something about being alone that opens the mind to thoughts that would have been ignored. James hated being alone, hated the thoughts and the revelations that surely would have arisen when faced with himself. With another person he could focus on them, their faults, and what he can fix. He had stayed with Greg for so long because he foolishly thought, for a moment, that he could fix him, too, like he’d been trying to fix Greg since forever. He had also stayed with Greg for so long to avoid living on his own, and when he had found another house to stay in, another person to be with, he eagerly moved away. That relationship was over, now, and he had been living by himself for some time and hating every minute of it.
Life was no better in the bar. He had had his week plus living with House. As much as he liked Greg, he couldn’t stand living with him, and whenever the thought of staying with Greg here crossed his mind he cringed and pushed it aside. Of course he was considering it more seriously now that Greg was recovering, and of course he was wondering what effect the shooting would have on his friend. Would he change? Would James like it if Greg changed? Oh, he wouldn’t mind a happier Greg, but a Greg who wasn’t witty, insightful-a Greg who wasn’t Greg? Would he have changed that much? And even if he changed into the kindest, happiest doctor on the face of the planet, even if he turned into an insufferable monster of sweetness and light, would James still move back in just to keep himself from being lonely?
It was maddening. He was restless. He couldn’t feel relaxed in his own room, had to stand up and walk around the lake. There wasn’t a movie he could watch that could take him out of this restless misery, a book he could read or a song he could listen to; but what stopped him from immersing himself in the bar society was the knowledge that doing such would beget more of the same. He would find another woman to take up with, would ignore the restlessness and the issues he didn’t want to face, he’d spar with Greg about who he was and wasn’t sleeping with, and it would be normal. Just as Greg found solace in misery, James found solace in avoidance, but now that was changing in spite of him. He found himself avoiding not his issues but other people, skirting around his problems like he did the edge of the lake. They were there, and he would have to wade in and face them and change.
He was surprised to realize that he wasn’t so afraid of change. He just had to let go of the things that were holding him back-and that, he was afraid to do. Those “things” are what defined him, and he wasn’t sure who he would be once he had let them go.