Comments | willowperson: heartbreaker series : post secret edition

willowperson

heartbreaker series : post secret edition

Mar 18, 2008 12:53

I've been having a fair number of conversations lately about what it is to be in love with someone who is bad for you. And more poignantly, what is it to still think about them regularly, despite all the shit they put you through ( Read more... )

love, pontification, closure, you: diaf

Comments 12

prosewitch March 18 2008, 20:34:47 UTC

Goodness, that struck a chord with me. I've been trying to figure out why who I am in relationships seems so different from who I am normally... I feel like I'm not a Bad Person in general, but put me in a relationship for over 6 months, and I become quite horrible. I think a lot of it has to do with expectations and assumptions and other things that live inside one person's brain and heart but affect and are affected by the other person. Or I've simply never learned how to communicate about what I need in a relationship--you'd think knowing one's needs and being able to state them would be easy, but for me, it's not. Either way, once you've got more than one person in the equation, it becomes horrendously complicated.

theycallmerex March 18 2008, 20:56:43 UTC

"Or I've simply never learned how to communicate about what I need in a relationship"

That's exactly it. Well, the crux of the problem for most relationships. I don't know what it is, but I typically open up faster than the woman I have interest in. And then BAM. She shuts down. I'm not trying to place fault with the women, I'm the one who's attracted to a certain (emotional) type. I need to retrain myself to 'leave it be' if they aren't compatible with me in that manner, no matter how attractive they are. It's not fair to myself or them in attempting to make things work.

qnonymous March 19 2008, 05:28:51 UTC

Word. I did the same thing for a long time, I'm just done opening up. No one can betray your trust if you don't give it in the first place.

copperpot March 20 2008, 04:26:38 UTC

or how about don't open up to anyone who isn't open to you? wait, am i talking about balance again...

dj_infam0us March 19 2008, 01:55:42 UTC

it is my experience (and where heart break is concerned I have MUCH of that) that when you have many questions it's often that your perception and the reality of the person you're in Love with ... don't match

so it just doesn't make sense.

mayara13 March 19 2008, 02:29:09 UTC

Sometimes bad relationships happen between good people. Unfortunately, when your brain is trying to place blame, these situations can cause problems; so, you may spend some time blaming yourself and some time blaming the other person, but in the end, there's no clear place to place the blame. Other than for whatever reason, it was a bad match.

Been there, done that, and I hope he's doing well and is happy, though I know there's no way it would have turned out that way with us together. Shit was going to happen. I don't think it would work even years later, as I think we'd have fallen back into the same patterns.

And coming to that realization helped me figure out what I really wanted and valued, which made it easier to recognize and to ask for. If that makes any sense.

smirkingjustice March 19 2008, 05:11:07 UTC

I was in a relationship that was bad for me for a few years. It did take Something Drastic to break the cycle. We should talk.

willowperson March 20 2008, 00:15:56 UTC

that we should. I'd love to grab coffee sometime. I'm gone until the 26th, but maybe after that?

smirkingjustice March 24 2008, 05:14:04 UTC

Just got back in town myself. I'm crazy busy for the next couple weeks tho... How does April 9th or 10th work for you?

copperpot March 20 2008, 04:24:28 UTC

i certainly adore your point about forgiving in others what you would have excused in yourself. it is simply a continuation of do unto others, which is a sentiment all the major religions share. a postulate of sociology, perhaps the foundation of civilization, even. but to forgive becomes a spiritual experience, for me, as u see urself in someone else, to love them enough to forgive them. this, of course, doesn't mean u can now be around them. relationships need balance, even if it is the balance of opposites or the balance of two people desperately in love. so often the simple fact is our visions, our model of what we want is incompatible to our partner's. please read prometheus rising, the idea of a logical person not having access to that model of how the mind works on the different levels, emotional being the 2nd of 8 in this model, is torturous. i was a psychology major for 2 years and have read freud and nietzsche but this is better information that the lot of that put together. if u don't like my link, get the book by hook or ( ... )