Echo of Dusk - Chapter XII
Title: Echo of Dusk
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [12/25?]
Rating: M
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: This chapter has somehow grown quite special to me... I guess there's a bit of Min inside all of us. Please feel sorry for him, there's nothing quite as painful as unrequited love T_T
OST for this chapter:
~El Tango de Roxanne [Echo of Dusk ver.] - Feliciano, McGregor (3.37 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
Min VS JaeHo:
His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It's more than I can stand
~Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard (1.86 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
Min vulnerable with umma!Jae:
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
You have a choice…
I was never bored with you around, Kim JaeJoong.
Even though you were two years older than me, you never treated me like an inferior. You were an older brother to me, and on the days when you couldn’t be, I’d be your older brother. You had my back and I had yours.
We were both stuck there having to obey orders and fight when we didn’t want to, so we understood each other. You were my best buddy.
When we first met you were really quiet and reserved. Just like me. That’s how we’d connected - as a 20 year-old in university, the war had seemed unsettling and you’d felt it too. Even though most of the time I tried to be strong, on the days when I wasn’t, you never judged me for it. I felt safest with you even though physically you were my inferior.
I remember you hated being weaker than me. I’d always win against you in our arm wrestling matches. So then you’d hit me, and I’d strike back harder. It made me laugh when your best effort to hit me barely bruised me. Hitting each other was our thing - emotional affection through physical violence, that sort of thing.
We had our routine of course. Wake up, make it through the hard day, and then after dinner we’d play our games. Our favourites were arm wrestling and strip poker, and you were the loser more frequently than you were victorious. You’d be sitting opposite me, down to your underwear and laughing like it was the funniest thing you’d ever done.
And then when it came time for bathing we’d chace each other into the river and try to push the most vulnerable of us into its depths. Even if you lost the race you’d still try attacking me until I fell in first.
It was the little things like that which made the war more bearable. But then he changed all that for me. At night you started spending more time with him. We didn’t have much time left for our games. We’d still enjoy the occasional card game but your lessened time with me grew more noticeable. I was used to change, it didn’t really bother me…and I still had you in the day time so I couldn’t complain too much.
Oh hyung, you had so much energy back then…it’s a little strange to see you barely moving in your bed now.
I still remember our first kiss. Do you? Do you ever think back on it?
We had been in the middle of an arm wrestling tournament. As we had steadied our arms, our faces were so close. The smell of you overwhelmed my nostrils until even my brain, heart and lungs were filled with the scent. And as your concentration spurred tiny marks onto your forehead, I stared down at your dark eyelashes and felt the ends of your hair tickling my temples. Your lips were opened up and looked so soft…like the velvety petal of a blooming rose.
With just that close proximity you managed to steal my concentration until my arm was suddenly slammed down and you were leering at me victoriously with that excited grin of yours.
I couldn’t let go of your hand…and I guess that’s when you started noticing the change in the atmosphere. You stared at my still face with a mixture of slight anxiety and confusion. Had your heart started racing like mine had? Just as we raced each other to the river, were our hearts racing in synch then as well?
I moved closer to you and your eyes slipped shut invitingly, but it all happened so fast I barely noticed. I took your bottom lip up in between mine and felt the wet, velvety skin with my tongue. As soon as I caressed it lightly with my teeth your mouth opened up to me and our tongues crashed together. It may have been sloppy, but I hadn’t wanted to wipe your saliva off my lips. It was mine to devour now.
We never ever went further than kissing…we were too scared and unsure of everything.
…You don’t know this, but once I accidentally woke up whilst you were touching yourself. Your sharp, breathy string of pants was additive to listen to. I’ll admit I was struck with indecision that night. I was immensely embarrassed to be overhearing you in that private moment of yours, because I had never heard anyone else masturbate before. And yet at the same time I wanted to keep hearing you. But then you called someone’s name out. Yunho.
Who the hell was Yunho? I had wondered. I only knew him as Captain Jung back then. I only realised his first name was Yunho when you accidentally called out to him informally one day when he was passing our line. He gazed back at you without a smile.
Yun…Ho… As the syllables slipped from your mouth that day it finally clicked. You had a crush on our captain! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t blame you…he was tall, handsome, manly, skilled, perfected… but still it shocked me.
Since then, whenever he was near, I found myself watching your face to see how you reacted. Most of the time he’d barely look at you and yet you’d stay composed like it didn’t bother you. Who would have known what a huge secret the two of you were hiding…
It was only occasionally that I’d catch you staring out at him with that intense, silent longing. Like that time I caught you sitting alone in the rain as you watched him working below, organising weapon distribution for the line on duty.
I realised as I watched you that you did not like me as I had liked you. You were still waiting for someone else. You had sat completely immune to the pouring rain around you. Your hair was plastered to your head, but still you continued to observe Jung Yunho out in the distance, like you were desperate to be down there with him and make him proud of you.
Everything started from there. Our games grew less frequent as well as our nightly kisses…because he had called you over unexpectedly.
The night he came into our sleeping area and called you away he had sounded stern and…angry. You never returned that night. I had spent that whole night almost making myself sick with worry because I hadn’t been able to forget his expression as he called you away. I was so terrified he had somehow found out about your crush on him and now he was lecturing you or even punishing you over it. I didn’t want you to be hurt…neither physically nor emotionally.
It had been the only reason I could think of for your absence -your admiration and longing for him seemed so obvious to me, I was surprised no one else had noticed. You were young…an innocent boy from the country, what did you know about the harsh personalities from the cities and the cruelty of love? I was even younger than you, but I had grown up there in Seoul watching the relationships fall apart all around me.
I was surprised most of all when you returned the next morning as the same bubbly, energetic boy that had left…as if nothing had happened. I demanded to know what the Captain had wanted and you assured me you weren’t in trouble. You told me that the both of you had been friends before the war and it was the first night he had had time to catch up with you. That’s all… You swore you just talked and then fell asleep in his bed. I, who had slept on the hard ground, had teased you in relief, saying that I had suffered whilst you had slept like a king. I may have even whacked you one.
You both were careful. I never grew suspicious of you until many months later. Each night you had pretended to sleep next to me and then went off to meet him in his tent, returning early in the morning before anyone woke up.
You had been sneaking away for months before I noticed it. I woke up one night and you weren’t there. I assumed you had gone for a nightly toilet break and I fell back asleep. I didn’t even suspect you in the morning; it had barely registered in my memory.
Once I asked you naively if he knew about your crush on him. You looked embarrassed and exclaimed that you bloody well hoped not because you didn’t want the Captain to feel awkward around you. You were always a shocking liar, but this time you managed to step it up a notch when your hidden relationship was in danger. I never saw that you had lied to me that time.
We still mucked around together, teased each other, and chased each other. Our innocence was so relaxing and enjoyable. So the day I noticed it had been stolen from you…it crushed me like nothing I had felt before. It hurt more than the burn on my shoulder…it made me sicker than when I saw the soldiers lying with their insides splattered everywhere.
You were scary now. I didn’t want to look at you. I especially didn’t want to look at him. Every order he gave me I’d barely fulfil…my hatred from him was too strong. Because I had been too innocent that night I saw you…I wasn’t prepare for any of it.
I still haven’t forgiven him.
“Hurry up, Shim!” someone yelled.
I grunted in annoyance and finished tying up my boots. I had finally copped the dreaded night shift and was cranky as hell. I only functioned if I had at least eight hours sleep per night. Tonight would certainly kill me. And what if the Reds actually tried overstepping the boundaries and actually came into camp! That would be so problematic for me. Would this stress never end?!
JaeJoong patted my shoulder in sympathy. He knew how grumpy I felt without enough sleep.
“Help me!” I whined.
He shook his head in horror.
“Hyung, switch with me! I’ll wipe your boots! I’ll make you breakfast! I’ll teach you some Chinese!”
“Why would I want to speak Chinese?” he replied in aghast.
“So you can swear at the enemy and feel fulfilled?” I tried.
“Nice try. Your offer is very irresistible, but alas…I must pass.”
“Wo ai ni, hyung!”
“Are you swearing at me?!”
“No no!” I laughed. “I’m praising you and offering my love!”
“Thanks, Min.”
“So will you swap with me?”
“No.”
“Then I take my love back.”
“You can’t just take it back!”
“Yes I can. The love was never yours; I can take it back anytime I want. Because you aren’t my brother anymore!” I huffed.
His eyes were bulging as he hit my arm. I whacked him back with a grin. He hit me harder. I hit him even harder. It was a useless cycle.
“SHIM!” the soldier yelled in annoyance, still waiting for me to relieve his guard duty.
“Look at me, hyung,” I suddenly demanded, grabbing his shoulders urgently. “Remember my face. Please. I beg you.”
“Why?”
“Come morning, I’m going to look like a saggy old man with dried up skin and leumonia.”
“Ooh, how fascinating,” he teased excitedly.
“Hyung! Remember my beauty. They’ll have stolen it by morning…those self-righteous, institutionally backwards, Red bastards!”
He burst out laughing at my bluntness and held onto my hand as he led me forcefully outside towards the other soldier.
Duty was boring as expected. A few men were having a late bath in the river and I quickly looked away in disgust. It was weird…I had never really fancied a man’s body before I had met JaeJoong. Anyone else’s body made me shudder to see naked. That’s why I was confused when I became best friends with JaeJoongie. He was pretty, but he was still a man. I couldn’t figure out any theory to explain away my feelings towards him. I knew a lot of it had been started with admiration…I had never met somebody so warm before. I wanted to have that warmth which I knew I lacked in comparison.
And yet now I had started kissing him. Well, we hadn’t lately because JaeJoong had finally admitted to my face that he liked Captain Jung. It was just kissing…I couldn’t understand why he’d been too awkward to kiss me now…he’d never been shy to it before…
I smiled at how timid and innocent he was. I felt like a perverted ape around him sometimes.
I continued wandering around in boredom until I heard familiar laughter and turned around. I loved JaeJoong’s melodic giggles; hearing them always almost set me off as well. I thought maybe he had wanted to sneak up behind me to tease me like he sometime had tried to do in the past. But then it occurred to me that it was too far away for that.
Ahh. He was talking to Captain Jung.
"Sorry dear hyung, you’ll have to stick with the Captain tonight, for I am definitely not available to entertain you," I sighed, wandering miserably over to the Captain’s tent.
They must have been looking at something because as I peered at the tent, the candle was lit from within, casting their shadows out which I could perfectly see as I wandered closer. They were bent over something and JaeJoong was laughing even louder. It was almost as if he was being tickled…but it was such an absurd notion that I dismissed it. I could not picture Captain Jung ever trying to tickle someone…especially with that serious face of his.
Maybe he was showing JaeJoong a letter or a newspaper or something. I’m not sure why that would make JaeJoong laugh that hard, but anything was possible with that silly boy.
I smiled and stood outside watching. I was standing on the edge closest to the forest behind me so I could still keep an eye out for intruders.
I shoved my hands into my pockets to find some sort of warmth for myself in the dreary winter’s night. I scanned the forest behind me, as JaeJoong’s giggling finally begun to die down. It was nice that he got along so well with the Captain; it was almost like I was a step above everyone else because I was friends with the Captain’s friend.
I tried not to sneeze as a cold breeze irritated my nostrils and turned back to the now quiet tent. One of them was sitting up…I couldn’t see where the other was.
I wondered in amusement if the Captain knew that with the candle lit, people could see his shadow. How careless of him…
I yawned, letting the shadows entertain me. The Captain was taking his shirt off, getting ready for bed. I waited for JaeJoong to come back out. Surely he had taken the hint that the Captain wanted to sleep now.
But JaeJoong wasn’t coming out.
I frowned and continued watching as the Captain sat down on his bed. What was JaeJoong doing? Was the Captain going to let him spend the night again? Had JaeJoong whined and whined until the Captain agreed to let JaeJoong sponge off him for the comfy bed? That JaeJoong… I grinned.
My smile vanished when I saw something that didn’t look right. JaeJoong’s shirt was being pulled over his head by the Captain and then he was pushed down. It was getting harder to tell what they were doing from the abstract, ambiguous shadows, but for some reason I was feeling uneasy.
It looked like they were sleeping again…but no…they weren’t because their heads were still moving and the candle was still alight.
As if I had forecasted the future, everything went dark again as they finally blew the damn thing out.
I was contemplating whether to start walking around camp again to keep myself awake…but the uneasiness wouldn’t leave me. That push had looked so rough…
A harsh exclamation pierced the air and I almost stumbled backwards in alarm. It had sounded like JaeJoong but…maybe my ears were playing tricks on me since it was hours past my bedtime.
My heart rate skyrocketed as I heard that terrifying exclamation again…it was almost like he was in pain…but that didn’t make any sense at all.
I crept closer suspiciously until I was almost touching the tent fabric.
A deep groan was eventually flung into the air from the Captain. What on earth was going on! The strange noises were terrifying me in ways I couldn’t explain.
And then JaeJoong moaned…and everything was suddenly clear to me. I had heard JaeJoong moaning like this before…it had been late at night and he had been pleasuring himself. He had been aroused…deeply aroused.
And now…
I stumbled backwards, almost falling down hard as my legs gave way. I started rocking backwards and forwards on the ground, my hands grasping at my ears desperately as the moaning continued on and on. Each sound was smashing painfully into my consciousness.
As the Captain continued to hurt JaeJoong, I gripped my hair angrily with my shaking fingers. JaeJoong had been gigging and laughing before and now…he was being violated.
I winced every time JaeJoong whimpered and groaned.
He was…
The Captain made…
His body…
They…
Sex…
I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the heartbreaking sounds as my hyung was stripped of all his innocence.
I couldn’t stop the visuals either. I could see them in my mind…JaeJoong’s heavenly pale body sweating and crushed under the Captain’s large body. The Captain’s dirty, disgusting penis digging into JaeJoong’s body, wiping away its purity with every thrust.
Why was JaeJoong letting him do this disgusting act with him?! Why was JaeJoong giving him his precious body? Why was JaeJoong acting like a common prostitute?! Why was he having sex with the Captain? Just because JaeJoong really liked him…he was giving that man his body?!
The Captain must have known JaeJoong liked him. Jaejoong should have tried better to hide it! Now he was being used for pleasure by that over-powered ass!
I wanted to run in there and make them stop so JaeJoong could go free. But I was too scared to move…I was too scared to view with my own eyes the Captain thrusting into my hyung.
The sound of the bed frame creaking was killing me. In the suffocating, dark night it was all I could hear, deafening my eardrums. The Captain’s moans of ecstasy were almost killing me inside just as much.
How dare he do such a thing to my hyung! Taking advantage of his poorly disguised feelings like that! HOW COULD HE!
I wanted to cry, scream and throw up all at the same time.
How long had this been going on for?! Since that first night he called JaeJoong away? JaeJoong hadn’t returned that night…had he been tricked into sex then as well?! This had been happening before?! How many times?! How many times had I held JaeJoong’s hand without realising it had already been tainted?
I blocked my ears again and whimpered as JaeJoong yelled out in his climax. I couldn’t take it… I couldn’t take any of this.
This disappointment…
This insecurity…
This confusion…
This anger.
Jung Yunho…how could you do that to him…
JaeJoong…how could you let this happen?
The Captain of this camp…was abusing his subordinates. How many others were there? Or was my hyung the only one foolish enough to let him get away with it?
This wasn’t love. This was something disgusting. Jung Yunho has never given JaeJoong any of the attention he deserves in the field! He treats JaeJoong like he’d barely be worth a second glance. How could it be that in the daylight there were no smiles, no acknowledgement…but at night sexual relations? Such violence and misuse… What a power-abusing fiend.
Jung Yunho.
How I hated that man.
I really was unable to look at you properly for a few days after that. After my duty I had cowered in my sleeping spot, unable to breathe properly or digest what horrors I had witnessed that night.
Since then, even if you were just sitting nearby, my mind would start playing tricks on me and all I could see was you lying down there…with him in between your legs and touching your naked skin. My imagination caused more harm to me than the scrapes on my arms or the burns on my legs from the explosions.
In the morning after I heard your erotic night with the Captain, you had tried teasing me about my own late night adventures on guard duty, fending off frost bite and ‘self-righteous, institutionally-backwards, Red bastards’. You had tried examining my face for the disfiguration I had prophesised about the last time we spoke. But I had avoided looking at you and swatted you away. On the outside it looked playful, but on the inside I was holding the pieces of my shattered soul and examining the damage.
How could I ever look at you again after knowing what had been happening? After knowing you were a man and horribly tainted. After knowing you had been keeping this from me. After knowing that you still talked to that man as if he deserved respect still…
I knew that morning that I could never view Jung Yunho in the same way again. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to respect him ever again. And I haven’t.
That next night had been one of the hardest I’d ever lived through. I couldn’t get to sleep. Fatigue was irrelevant; I couldn’t let myself fall asleep knowing you’d eventually leave again. So I lay there…waiting.
And I heard you getting up. You walked away. My heart was bleeding for you. I couldn’t let you go, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t stand hearing you walk away knowing where you were going, knowing what you’d be doing with him…
Just as you were about to disappear I sat up and called out to you.
“Hyung, where are you going?”
You turned around in shock. I’d almost given you a cardiac arrest. I silently dared you to tell me the truth.
“I need to pee!”
I knew you didn’t.
“Wait up! I need to as well. I’ll come with you!”
We stood awkwardly outside. I tried to talk my bladder into behaving but nothing was happening. I didn’t need to go; I just couldn’t let you leave. Of course you couldn’t relieve your bladder either. But neither of us said a word about it.
You had no choice but to come back with me. As we lay down I couldn’t stop feeling upset. I needed you. I needed you much more that he did.
“Hyung…do you ever feel lonely here?”
“Sometimes…”
“I do. A lot of the time I am. But it won’t go away.”
I looked at you. “Hold me…” I begged.
I must have looked really depressed and vulnerable… I could feel it inside me but I didn’t realise how evident it was on my face.
So you did hold me. You let me rest close to you. That is why I love you JaeJoong, because you always put everyone else before your own needs.
That night I heard footsteps. I didn’t open my eyes so I’ll never know if it had been him coming to look for you. Maybe it hadn’t been him because the footsteps left without any fuss. He would never have let me have you so easily…
The next night I knew I couldn’t stop you from leaving this time. You had done so much for me the night before; I didn’t have the heart to spoil this one for you.
I wonder… If I had grabbed your hands and begged you with all my heart not to go to him…would you have listened to me? I’d never know.
So you left and didn’t return for hours. That was the first and last night I ever cried. And when you came back and settled down bedside me I couldn’t look at you again.
To this day I can’t understand why you let him do all that to you. I know you had a soul-consuming crush on him but…was it really worth all that just to feel him inside you? Even though he didn’t see you as anything but a pleasurable toy? Yes…of course it would have been worth it…I know because I would have done anything for you as well.
And then you saved me in that fight…only to disappear before all our eyes. I thought it had hurt when I woke up and you weren’t there because you were letting the Captain fuck you. I didn’t know how much worse it felt to wake up knowing you weren’t there because you just weren’t.
For one fleeting moment I had actually considered that he might have loved you, because when you left I saw him change. He became more intimidating then ever before. I knew a lot of soldiers who became terrified of him. But I stood my ground and didn’t let him scare me.
So I let him give me crap and blame me for his loss. But then his attitude never changed…he was always angry, always irritable, always impenetrable… He was never weak or sad as someone who lost their ‘love’ would have been. He was just a cranky, sexually frustrated asshole.
So the last specs of hope that had somehow grown for him were crudely swiped away. I started giving crap back to him because he didn’t deserve only silence from those too afraid to talk back at him.
He could be a bitter old man if he wanted. I refused to be bitter because you had left me with a precious gift; you had given me protection and left him with nothing. When you held me and took me away from the fighting, you had weaved powerful armour into my skin. I wouldn’t let you down; I knew I’d keep fighting for you so that your sacrifice wouldn’t go to waste.
I still love you JaeJoong… You are loved in ways he couldn’t ever love you in. Even though you want it from him and not me, it’s there if you ever need it. If ever you realise you deserve better than him…the man who didn’t even have enough heart to let me know you were back. I thought he had deserted the camp because he was a weak, selfish man… I didn’t know he had come back with you. To think you had been sleeping in the camp whilst I was still lonely, thinking you were lost forever.
I let out a depressed sigh and started playing with JaeJoong’s hand again.
Seeing you like this…it scares me. I want to hold your hand forever so that you have some support. You look sad, you look lifeless. How can I help you, hyung?
You look so vulnerable when you sleep. You always have, but especially now that you’ve returned it’s grown more vivid. What did you experience when you were away? How badly did they treat you and the rest of the prisoners? How did you manage to convince the Chinese doctor to help you escape…?
I wonder if, when you’re awake, you’ll ever tell me these things.
But for now all I can do is hold your hand and let you know I’m still here for you if you need me…
My precious hyung.
///TBC///
A/N: GAH, El Tango de Roxanne always get my heart racing like crazy!!! I feel so sorry for Min now! But hmm…are you understanding Changmin’s distrust of Yunho a little bit better now? Damn the misinterpretations! Perhaps Min’s mummy never told him ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ ><
I find it interesting how Changmin witnessing JaeJoong having sex with another man and supposedly losing his ‘innocence’ from it, mirrors what actually happened to JaeJoong when he was taken away in NK. The important thing to note though is that despite all Changmin’s convictions against Yunho, Yunho never emotionally rejected Jae after learning other people had touched him like that… whereas Min did (well he was a lot younger and naïve ><). So kudos to you, Yunho! *salutes*
Now it's your turn, commentary is always welcome ^^
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [12/25?]
Rating: M
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
A/N: This chapter has somehow grown quite special to me... I guess there's a bit of Min inside all of us. Please feel sorry for him, there's nothing quite as painful as unrequited love T_T
OST for this chapter:
~El Tango de Roxanne [Echo of Dusk ver.] - Feliciano, McGregor (3.37 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
Min VS JaeHo:
His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It's more than I can stand
~Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard (1.86 MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
Min vulnerable with umma!Jae:
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
You have a choice…
I was never bored with you around, Kim JaeJoong.
Even though you were two years older than me, you never treated me like an inferior. You were an older brother to me, and on the days when you couldn’t be, I’d be your older brother. You had my back and I had yours.
We were both stuck there having to obey orders and fight when we didn’t want to, so we understood each other. You were my best buddy.
When we first met you were really quiet and reserved. Just like me. That’s how we’d connected - as a 20 year-old in university, the war had seemed unsettling and you’d felt it too. Even though most of the time I tried to be strong, on the days when I wasn’t, you never judged me for it. I felt safest with you even though physically you were my inferior.
I remember you hated being weaker than me. I’d always win against you in our arm wrestling matches. So then you’d hit me, and I’d strike back harder. It made me laugh when your best effort to hit me barely bruised me. Hitting each other was our thing - emotional affection through physical violence, that sort of thing.
We had our routine of course. Wake up, make it through the hard day, and then after dinner we’d play our games. Our favourites were arm wrestling and strip poker, and you were the loser more frequently than you were victorious. You’d be sitting opposite me, down to your underwear and laughing like it was the funniest thing you’d ever done.
And then when it came time for bathing we’d chace each other into the river and try to push the most vulnerable of us into its depths. Even if you lost the race you’d still try attacking me until I fell in first.
It was the little things like that which made the war more bearable. But then he changed all that for me. At night you started spending more time with him. We didn’t have much time left for our games. We’d still enjoy the occasional card game but your lessened time with me grew more noticeable. I was used to change, it didn’t really bother me…and I still had you in the day time so I couldn’t complain too much.
Oh hyung, you had so much energy back then…it’s a little strange to see you barely moving in your bed now.
I still remember our first kiss. Do you? Do you ever think back on it?
We had been in the middle of an arm wrestling tournament. As we had steadied our arms, our faces were so close. The smell of you overwhelmed my nostrils until even my brain, heart and lungs were filled with the scent. And as your concentration spurred tiny marks onto your forehead, I stared down at your dark eyelashes and felt the ends of your hair tickling my temples. Your lips were opened up and looked so soft…like the velvety petal of a blooming rose.
With just that close proximity you managed to steal my concentration until my arm was suddenly slammed down and you were leering at me victoriously with that excited grin of yours.
I couldn’t let go of your hand…and I guess that’s when you started noticing the change in the atmosphere. You stared at my still face with a mixture of slight anxiety and confusion. Had your heart started racing like mine had? Just as we raced each other to the river, were our hearts racing in synch then as well?
I moved closer to you and your eyes slipped shut invitingly, but it all happened so fast I barely noticed. I took your bottom lip up in between mine and felt the wet, velvety skin with my tongue. As soon as I caressed it lightly with my teeth your mouth opened up to me and our tongues crashed together. It may have been sloppy, but I hadn’t wanted to wipe your saliva off my lips. It was mine to devour now.
We never ever went further than kissing…we were too scared and unsure of everything.
…You don’t know this, but once I accidentally woke up whilst you were touching yourself. Your sharp, breathy string of pants was additive to listen to. I’ll admit I was struck with indecision that night. I was immensely embarrassed to be overhearing you in that private moment of yours, because I had never heard anyone else masturbate before. And yet at the same time I wanted to keep hearing you. But then you called someone’s name out. Yunho.
Who the hell was Yunho? I had wondered. I only knew him as Captain Jung back then. I only realised his first name was Yunho when you accidentally called out to him informally one day when he was passing our line. He gazed back at you without a smile.
Yun…Ho… As the syllables slipped from your mouth that day it finally clicked. You had a crush on our captain! I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t blame you…he was tall, handsome, manly, skilled, perfected… but still it shocked me.
Since then, whenever he was near, I found myself watching your face to see how you reacted. Most of the time he’d barely look at you and yet you’d stay composed like it didn’t bother you. Who would have known what a huge secret the two of you were hiding…
It was only occasionally that I’d catch you staring out at him with that intense, silent longing. Like that time I caught you sitting alone in the rain as you watched him working below, organising weapon distribution for the line on duty.
I realised as I watched you that you did not like me as I had liked you. You were still waiting for someone else. You had sat completely immune to the pouring rain around you. Your hair was plastered to your head, but still you continued to observe Jung Yunho out in the distance, like you were desperate to be down there with him and make him proud of you.
Everything started from there. Our games grew less frequent as well as our nightly kisses…because he had called you over unexpectedly.
The night he came into our sleeping area and called you away he had sounded stern and…angry. You never returned that night. I had spent that whole night almost making myself sick with worry because I hadn’t been able to forget his expression as he called you away. I was so terrified he had somehow found out about your crush on him and now he was lecturing you or even punishing you over it. I didn’t want you to be hurt…neither physically nor emotionally.
It had been the only reason I could think of for your absence -your admiration and longing for him seemed so obvious to me, I was surprised no one else had noticed. You were young…an innocent boy from the country, what did you know about the harsh personalities from the cities and the cruelty of love? I was even younger than you, but I had grown up there in Seoul watching the relationships fall apart all around me.
I was surprised most of all when you returned the next morning as the same bubbly, energetic boy that had left…as if nothing had happened. I demanded to know what the Captain had wanted and you assured me you weren’t in trouble. You told me that the both of you had been friends before the war and it was the first night he had had time to catch up with you. That’s all… You swore you just talked and then fell asleep in his bed. I, who had slept on the hard ground, had teased you in relief, saying that I had suffered whilst you had slept like a king. I may have even whacked you one.
You both were careful. I never grew suspicious of you until many months later. Each night you had pretended to sleep next to me and then went off to meet him in his tent, returning early in the morning before anyone woke up.
You had been sneaking away for months before I noticed it. I woke up one night and you weren’t there. I assumed you had gone for a nightly toilet break and I fell back asleep. I didn’t even suspect you in the morning; it had barely registered in my memory.
Once I asked you naively if he knew about your crush on him. You looked embarrassed and exclaimed that you bloody well hoped not because you didn’t want the Captain to feel awkward around you. You were always a shocking liar, but this time you managed to step it up a notch when your hidden relationship was in danger. I never saw that you had lied to me that time.
We still mucked around together, teased each other, and chased each other. Our innocence was so relaxing and enjoyable. So the day I noticed it had been stolen from you…it crushed me like nothing I had felt before. It hurt more than the burn on my shoulder…it made me sicker than when I saw the soldiers lying with their insides splattered everywhere.
You were scary now. I didn’t want to look at you. I especially didn’t want to look at him. Every order he gave me I’d barely fulfil…my hatred from him was too strong. Because I had been too innocent that night I saw you…I wasn’t prepare for any of it.
I still haven’t forgiven him.
“Hurry up, Shim!” someone yelled.
I grunted in annoyance and finished tying up my boots. I had finally copped the dreaded night shift and was cranky as hell. I only functioned if I had at least eight hours sleep per night. Tonight would certainly kill me. And what if the Reds actually tried overstepping the boundaries and actually came into camp! That would be so problematic for me. Would this stress never end?!
JaeJoong patted my shoulder in sympathy. He knew how grumpy I felt without enough sleep.
“Help me!” I whined.
He shook his head in horror.
“Hyung, switch with me! I’ll wipe your boots! I’ll make you breakfast! I’ll teach you some Chinese!”
“Why would I want to speak Chinese?” he replied in aghast.
“So you can swear at the enemy and feel fulfilled?” I tried.
“Nice try. Your offer is very irresistible, but alas…I must pass.”
“Wo ai ni, hyung!”
“Are you swearing at me?!”
“No no!” I laughed. “I’m praising you and offering my love!”
“Thanks, Min.”
“So will you swap with me?”
“No.”
“Then I take my love back.”
“You can’t just take it back!”
“Yes I can. The love was never yours; I can take it back anytime I want. Because you aren’t my brother anymore!” I huffed.
His eyes were bulging as he hit my arm. I whacked him back with a grin. He hit me harder. I hit him even harder. It was a useless cycle.
“SHIM!” the soldier yelled in annoyance, still waiting for me to relieve his guard duty.
“Look at me, hyung,” I suddenly demanded, grabbing his shoulders urgently. “Remember my face. Please. I beg you.”
“Why?”
“Come morning, I’m going to look like a saggy old man with dried up skin and leumonia.”
“Ooh, how fascinating,” he teased excitedly.
“Hyung! Remember my beauty. They’ll have stolen it by morning…those self-righteous, institutionally backwards, Red bastards!”
He burst out laughing at my bluntness and held onto my hand as he led me forcefully outside towards the other soldier.
Duty was boring as expected. A few men were having a late bath in the river and I quickly looked away in disgust. It was weird…I had never really fancied a man’s body before I had met JaeJoong. Anyone else’s body made me shudder to see naked. That’s why I was confused when I became best friends with JaeJoongie. He was pretty, but he was still a man. I couldn’t figure out any theory to explain away my feelings towards him. I knew a lot of it had been started with admiration…I had never met somebody so warm before. I wanted to have that warmth which I knew I lacked in comparison.
And yet now I had started kissing him. Well, we hadn’t lately because JaeJoong had finally admitted to my face that he liked Captain Jung. It was just kissing…I couldn’t understand why he’d been too awkward to kiss me now…he’d never been shy to it before…
I smiled at how timid and innocent he was. I felt like a perverted ape around him sometimes.
I continued wandering around in boredom until I heard familiar laughter and turned around. I loved JaeJoong’s melodic giggles; hearing them always almost set me off as well. I thought maybe he had wanted to sneak up behind me to tease me like he sometime had tried to do in the past. But then it occurred to me that it was too far away for that.
Ahh. He was talking to Captain Jung.
"Sorry dear hyung, you’ll have to stick with the Captain tonight, for I am definitely not available to entertain you," I sighed, wandering miserably over to the Captain’s tent.
They must have been looking at something because as I peered at the tent, the candle was lit from within, casting their shadows out which I could perfectly see as I wandered closer. They were bent over something and JaeJoong was laughing even louder. It was almost as if he was being tickled…but it was such an absurd notion that I dismissed it. I could not picture Captain Jung ever trying to tickle someone…especially with that serious face of his.
Maybe he was showing JaeJoong a letter or a newspaper or something. I’m not sure why that would make JaeJoong laugh that hard, but anything was possible with that silly boy.
I smiled and stood outside watching. I was standing on the edge closest to the forest behind me so I could still keep an eye out for intruders.
I shoved my hands into my pockets to find some sort of warmth for myself in the dreary winter’s night. I scanned the forest behind me, as JaeJoong’s giggling finally begun to die down. It was nice that he got along so well with the Captain; it was almost like I was a step above everyone else because I was friends with the Captain’s friend.
I tried not to sneeze as a cold breeze irritated my nostrils and turned back to the now quiet tent. One of them was sitting up…I couldn’t see where the other was.
I wondered in amusement if the Captain knew that with the candle lit, people could see his shadow. How careless of him…
I yawned, letting the shadows entertain me. The Captain was taking his shirt off, getting ready for bed. I waited for JaeJoong to come back out. Surely he had taken the hint that the Captain wanted to sleep now.
But JaeJoong wasn’t coming out.
I frowned and continued watching as the Captain sat down on his bed. What was JaeJoong doing? Was the Captain going to let him spend the night again? Had JaeJoong whined and whined until the Captain agreed to let JaeJoong sponge off him for the comfy bed? That JaeJoong… I grinned.
My smile vanished when I saw something that didn’t look right. JaeJoong’s shirt was being pulled over his head by the Captain and then he was pushed down. It was getting harder to tell what they were doing from the abstract, ambiguous shadows, but for some reason I was feeling uneasy.
It looked like they were sleeping again…but no…they weren’t because their heads were still moving and the candle was still alight.
As if I had forecasted the future, everything went dark again as they finally blew the damn thing out.
I was contemplating whether to start walking around camp again to keep myself awake…but the uneasiness wouldn’t leave me. That push had looked so rough…
A harsh exclamation pierced the air and I almost stumbled backwards in alarm. It had sounded like JaeJoong but…maybe my ears were playing tricks on me since it was hours past my bedtime.
My heart rate skyrocketed as I heard that terrifying exclamation again…it was almost like he was in pain…but that didn’t make any sense at all.
I crept closer suspiciously until I was almost touching the tent fabric.
A deep groan was eventually flung into the air from the Captain. What on earth was going on! The strange noises were terrifying me in ways I couldn’t explain.
And then JaeJoong moaned…and everything was suddenly clear to me. I had heard JaeJoong moaning like this before…it had been late at night and he had been pleasuring himself. He had been aroused…deeply aroused.
And now…
I stumbled backwards, almost falling down hard as my legs gave way. I started rocking backwards and forwards on the ground, my hands grasping at my ears desperately as the moaning continued on and on. Each sound was smashing painfully into my consciousness.
As the Captain continued to hurt JaeJoong, I gripped my hair angrily with my shaking fingers. JaeJoong had been gigging and laughing before and now…he was being violated.
I winced every time JaeJoong whimpered and groaned.
He was…
The Captain made…
His body…
They…
Sex…
I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the heartbreaking sounds as my hyung was stripped of all his innocence.
I couldn’t stop the visuals either. I could see them in my mind…JaeJoong’s heavenly pale body sweating and crushed under the Captain’s large body. The Captain’s dirty, disgusting penis digging into JaeJoong’s body, wiping away its purity with every thrust.
Why was JaeJoong letting him do this disgusting act with him?! Why was JaeJoong giving him his precious body? Why was JaeJoong acting like a common prostitute?! Why was he having sex with the Captain? Just because JaeJoong really liked him…he was giving that man his body?!
The Captain must have known JaeJoong liked him. Jaejoong should have tried better to hide it! Now he was being used for pleasure by that over-powered ass!
I wanted to run in there and make them stop so JaeJoong could go free. But I was too scared to move…I was too scared to view with my own eyes the Captain thrusting into my hyung.
The sound of the bed frame creaking was killing me. In the suffocating, dark night it was all I could hear, deafening my eardrums. The Captain’s moans of ecstasy were almost killing me inside just as much.
How dare he do such a thing to my hyung! Taking advantage of his poorly disguised feelings like that! HOW COULD HE!
I wanted to cry, scream and throw up all at the same time.
How long had this been going on for?! Since that first night he called JaeJoong away? JaeJoong hadn’t returned that night…had he been tricked into sex then as well?! This had been happening before?! How many times?! How many times had I held JaeJoong’s hand without realising it had already been tainted?
I blocked my ears again and whimpered as JaeJoong yelled out in his climax. I couldn’t take it… I couldn’t take any of this.
This disappointment…
This insecurity…
This confusion…
This anger.
Jung Yunho…how could you do that to him…
JaeJoong…how could you let this happen?
The Captain of this camp…was abusing his subordinates. How many others were there? Or was my hyung the only one foolish enough to let him get away with it?
This wasn’t love. This was something disgusting. Jung Yunho has never given JaeJoong any of the attention he deserves in the field! He treats JaeJoong like he’d barely be worth a second glance. How could it be that in the daylight there were no smiles, no acknowledgement…but at night sexual relations? Such violence and misuse… What a power-abusing fiend.
Jung Yunho.
How I hated that man.
I really was unable to look at you properly for a few days after that. After my duty I had cowered in my sleeping spot, unable to breathe properly or digest what horrors I had witnessed that night.
Since then, even if you were just sitting nearby, my mind would start playing tricks on me and all I could see was you lying down there…with him in between your legs and touching your naked skin. My imagination caused more harm to me than the scrapes on my arms or the burns on my legs from the explosions.
In the morning after I heard your erotic night with the Captain, you had tried teasing me about my own late night adventures on guard duty, fending off frost bite and ‘self-righteous, institutionally-backwards, Red bastards’. You had tried examining my face for the disfiguration I had prophesised about the last time we spoke. But I had avoided looking at you and swatted you away. On the outside it looked playful, but on the inside I was holding the pieces of my shattered soul and examining the damage.
How could I ever look at you again after knowing what had been happening? After knowing you were a man and horribly tainted. After knowing you had been keeping this from me. After knowing that you still talked to that man as if he deserved respect still…
I knew that morning that I could never view Jung Yunho in the same way again. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to respect him ever again. And I haven’t.
That next night had been one of the hardest I’d ever lived through. I couldn’t get to sleep. Fatigue was irrelevant; I couldn’t let myself fall asleep knowing you’d eventually leave again. So I lay there…waiting.
And I heard you getting up. You walked away. My heart was bleeding for you. I couldn’t let you go, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t stand hearing you walk away knowing where you were going, knowing what you’d be doing with him…
Just as you were about to disappear I sat up and called out to you.
“Hyung, where are you going?”
You turned around in shock. I’d almost given you a cardiac arrest. I silently dared you to tell me the truth.
“I need to pee!”
I knew you didn’t.
“Wait up! I need to as well. I’ll come with you!”
We stood awkwardly outside. I tried to talk my bladder into behaving but nothing was happening. I didn’t need to go; I just couldn’t let you leave. Of course you couldn’t relieve your bladder either. But neither of us said a word about it.
You had no choice but to come back with me. As we lay down I couldn’t stop feeling upset. I needed you. I needed you much more that he did.
“Hyung…do you ever feel lonely here?”
“Sometimes…”
“I do. A lot of the time I am. But it won’t go away.”
I looked at you. “Hold me…” I begged.
I must have looked really depressed and vulnerable… I could feel it inside me but I didn’t realise how evident it was on my face.
So you did hold me. You let me rest close to you. That is why I love you JaeJoong, because you always put everyone else before your own needs.
That night I heard footsteps. I didn’t open my eyes so I’ll never know if it had been him coming to look for you. Maybe it hadn’t been him because the footsteps left without any fuss. He would never have let me have you so easily…
The next night I knew I couldn’t stop you from leaving this time. You had done so much for me the night before; I didn’t have the heart to spoil this one for you.
I wonder… If I had grabbed your hands and begged you with all my heart not to go to him…would you have listened to me? I’d never know.
So you left and didn’t return for hours. That was the first and last night I ever cried. And when you came back and settled down bedside me I couldn’t look at you again.
To this day I can’t understand why you let him do all that to you. I know you had a soul-consuming crush on him but…was it really worth all that just to feel him inside you? Even though he didn’t see you as anything but a pleasurable toy? Yes…of course it would have been worth it…I know because I would have done anything for you as well.
And then you saved me in that fight…only to disappear before all our eyes. I thought it had hurt when I woke up and you weren’t there because you were letting the Captain fuck you. I didn’t know how much worse it felt to wake up knowing you weren’t there because you just weren’t.
For one fleeting moment I had actually considered that he might have loved you, because when you left I saw him change. He became more intimidating then ever before. I knew a lot of soldiers who became terrified of him. But I stood my ground and didn’t let him scare me.
So I let him give me crap and blame me for his loss. But then his attitude never changed…he was always angry, always irritable, always impenetrable… He was never weak or sad as someone who lost their ‘love’ would have been. He was just a cranky, sexually frustrated asshole.
So the last specs of hope that had somehow grown for him were crudely swiped away. I started giving crap back to him because he didn’t deserve only silence from those too afraid to talk back at him.
He could be a bitter old man if he wanted. I refused to be bitter because you had left me with a precious gift; you had given me protection and left him with nothing. When you held me and took me away from the fighting, you had weaved powerful armour into my skin. I wouldn’t let you down; I knew I’d keep fighting for you so that your sacrifice wouldn’t go to waste.
I still love you JaeJoong… You are loved in ways he couldn’t ever love you in. Even though you want it from him and not me, it’s there if you ever need it. If ever you realise you deserve better than him…the man who didn’t even have enough heart to let me know you were back. I thought he had deserted the camp because he was a weak, selfish man… I didn’t know he had come back with you. To think you had been sleeping in the camp whilst I was still lonely, thinking you were lost forever.
I let out a depressed sigh and started playing with JaeJoong’s hand again.
Seeing you like this…it scares me. I want to hold your hand forever so that you have some support. You look sad, you look lifeless. How can I help you, hyung?
You look so vulnerable when you sleep. You always have, but especially now that you’ve returned it’s grown more vivid. What did you experience when you were away? How badly did they treat you and the rest of the prisoners? How did you manage to convince the Chinese doctor to help you escape…?
I wonder if, when you’re awake, you’ll ever tell me these things.
But for now all I can do is hold your hand and let you know I’m still here for you if you need me…
My precious hyung.
///TBC///
A/N: GAH, El Tango de Roxanne always get my heart racing like crazy!!! I feel so sorry for Min now! But hmm…are you understanding Changmin’s distrust of Yunho a little bit better now? Damn the misinterpretations! Perhaps Min’s mummy never told him ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ ><
I find it interesting how Changmin witnessing JaeJoong having sex with another man and supposedly losing his ‘innocence’ from it, mirrors what actually happened to JaeJoong when he was taken away in NK. The important thing to note though is that despite all Changmin’s convictions against Yunho, Yunho never emotionally rejected Jae after learning other people had touched him like that… whereas Min did (well he was a lot younger and naïve ><). So kudos to you, Yunho! *salutes*
Now it's your turn, commentary is always welcome ^^