Sparkle- Week 3 Brigits Flame (followup to previous entry)

[wierdauntie]

Sparkle

My intern and I sit in front of my trauma client Ikaika’s Hawaiian Kindergarten class. Kumu (teacher) Wailana introduces us. I don’t understand anything she says but our names-I just nod and smile a lot.

We’re there to do a Character Education lesson, and my intern is stationed behind the portable puppet theater and has

Comments

[mister_troper]

Hi, I'll be one of your editors for this week.

In honesty, I didn't like this as much as the previous installment, but I loved the previous installment.

The transition from the group story to Ikaika's is confusing. In fact, I'm not really sure why the opening is there. It doesn't add anything to the story, except establish that I.'s not engaging. It feels rushed, somewhat dismissive of the other characters, and extraneous.

I admire the bravery of the autobiographical post. It's something I could never, ever do. But here's also where it proves limiting, specifically in that it's used in the first person. I think there needs to be a lot more Ikaika in this story. The perspective is locked sort of just above the left ear of the narrator. Because the narrator acts and interjects regularly, I see more of the narrator than I see of I.. I want to see more I., because this is a story that is literally about a picture, so I want to see the picture of that picture as much as possible

[wierdauntie]

Hi there,
Thanks for the thoughtful and useful edit. I'll take your suggestions to heart.
AlohaW

Tough and Curteous With No Grammar Edit

[alabasterfalcon]

Hey weirdauntie! I'm back from my editing hiatus and glad to see that yours is one of the pieces I get to edit this week

Re: Tough and Curteous With No Grammar Edit

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful and helpful editing! Great suggestions, and if I may, would love to have your opine on the previous week's entry,w here I introduce him. his trauma is mentioned there...