Comments | wierdauntie: Strength in Numbers- Wk 4 of Brigits Flame

wierdauntie

Strength in Numbers- Wk 4 of Brigits Flame

Mar 27, 2009 23:54

Callie pressed the button on the centrifuge, watching the vials spin faster and faster until it stopped with a rude BLEEP. For those few moments she couldn’t hear the moans and cries from the hospital rooms next to the lab. She took one of the vials out, held it up to the light. The plasma glowed yellow as eggwhite, while the ( Read more... )

Comments 8

cedarwolfsinger March 30 2009, 19:02:59 UTC

Hi, dear! This is an interesting entry. Though I'm happy for Callie that her blood is in the healthy group, the situation is unclear. Your character's clinical detachment is clearly important for her work. I think it colors the entire piece. I feel strangely removed -- and I would not be removed from people who were in physical/medical distress.

wierdauntie March 31 2009, 03:09:39 UTC

thnks for the comment... I think you're right! I have to think about where it lost it's heart...

lady_matsu March 31 2009, 03:37:27 UTC

Agreed, it is pretty clinical. Of course, I found it very interesting, and probably inspired by my studies? But oh god, not stats! Anything but stats!

wierdauntie March 31 2009, 04:08:09 UTC

Yes, inspired by your studies... lab and stats go hand in hand! Didn't you like "purplish blood cells congregated sullenly"- that's my favorite line :)
Thanks for commenting!!!

desert_rose April 5 2009, 08:03:43 UTC

Hi there ( ... )

wierdauntie April 5 2009, 19:33:44 UTC

Thank you so much for the thoughtful, helpful edit. Great feedback.

ofshootingstars April 12 2009, 17:03:49 UTC

Hi, I'm one of your editors. I'm very sorry this edit is so late.

I quite liked this entry; the way it relates to the topic - strength in numbers is great. The italicized parts (Callie's thinking) are my favourite parts. Also, I really liked the short, concise narration you have going on in your piece. However, that brings me to another point. Many times (most times) you start your sentences with 'she.' None of your sentences are grammatically incorrect, but it's always good to vary your sentence formation AND the first three words of each sentence. Of course, sometimes writers do it deliberately (but I don't think you are...?). It's just good to keep that in mind.

Very lovely writing!

therealferret April 17 2009, 03:41:12 UTC

Saaaaaallllyyyyyyyyy