Devil's in the details- Week 1 of Brigit's Flame

[wierdauntie]

             Sukey bent over the heavy cream satin, squinting in the dim light of the lantern. Her dark fingers plied the needle swiftly, in and out, in and out, stitching the rolled edge of a hundred feet of train. Under her breath she chanted the magik song, soft rolling syllables whose meaning was lost but power remained.

She

Comments

[merthin]

Irony at its finest. I suppose it is justice in some fashion. Nicely written. I found it quite clear by the end.

almost like an old fairy tale

[giazz_40]

With tales like Rumple Stilskin or Sleeping Beauty, this would be a good take on it as well...ooh I do like this. I think with keeping in the older days would have been fine too (I do Renaissance Faires, so it would have been interesting to do a medeival age period piece).

voted.

Re: almost like an old fairy tale

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much! Yeah...good insight.

[lee_terati]

I am one of your editors. There's not much to suggest - the narrative flows smoothly and the idea is original. Here, She pierced her finger with the needle and watched a drop of blood pool, and drop, you could avoid having two "drops" so close together. Maybe She pierced her finger with the needle and watched a bit of blood pool, then drop or keeping the first drop and using "fall" for the second one.

Otherwise, a nice piece of vengeance. I'm sorry for the bride, but the man deserves something like that. I hope he's not one of those who behead the wives who can't produce a son for him.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for the careful read and feedback. Yeah I fiddled with that sentence no end...

[cedarwolfsinger]

This is quite a heavy piece. Well written, well drawn characters. It seems that the end is such a sad waste of lives -- Sukey's, her child's, and the Master's wife's -- all blackened and poisoned by Sukey's hatred, and the man's act of rape.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks for commenting... I know. Dark.

from one of your editors

[faerie_spark]

I feel incredibly honoured to have been chosen to give you feedback. This is an excellent example of a short-short story. No word is wasted; no word is left out. There is a strong sense of irony. The reader feels a shift, even a chill, as she realizes that what she thought was a loving, sacred ritual is in fact the weaving of a sinister spell of retribution. The gentle, soft chanting, the innocuous charm of feather and hair, and the placement of the charm at the bride’s heart all further the initial assumption of happiness. Watching sukey sew is a very homey, reassuring scene, at least at first. One assumes, as I did, that it’s a family member, lovingly finishing the bridal gown for a cherished one. But there are small clues, found upon rereading: the contrast of Sukey’s dark fingers against the creamy satin;the crystal beads “glistening innocently”; the drop of blood, which could either be a sacrifice, or a warning

Re: from one of your editors

[wierdauntie]

Thanks SO MUCH for the thorough read!! It is very helpful to hear what people liked and why.

I also agree about the "rape" word; but felt I had to use it to supply her motivation... I thought of lots of euphemisms but nothing conveyed the depth of what fueled her rage. Nice catch though; you are a great editor!