Dimensionally Transcendent 6/11?
Story: Dimensionally Transcendent
Author: wmr wendymr
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness
Rated: PG13
Disclaimer: Only the missing time between The Doctor Dances and Boom Town belongs to me (I wish)
Summary: The Doctor said he'd better be bigger on the inside. But is he?
With huge thanks again to dark_aegis and ponygirl72 for being two of the very best beta-readers around. :)
Chapter 1: Stray l Chapter 2: Tea and Sympathy l Chapter 3: Out of Time l Chapter 4: Learning to Trust l Chapter 5: Failing the Test
Chapter 6: Judgement
She’s breathing heavily, eyes wide with shock and rage, looking at him as if she wants to thump him. “You let that kid be killed!”
“Of course I did!” he yells back. “We can’t change the history of this planet, Rose. Don’t you know that?”
“History? Just because one little kid -”
She breaks off abruptly. Then, in a voice so low he can barely hear it, she says, “Just one kid. One ordinary person. Oh, god.”
“Yeah.” He breathes heavily, audibly, the beating of his heart slowly returning to normal. Shit. He’s been in tense situations before. He’s seen people killed before. Why’s this any different? “Only that wasn’t just an ordinary kid, Rose,” he explains. “She was the opposition leader’s daughter.”
Her eyes grow even wider. “You’re kidd- No, you’re not.” The shocked expression becomes a confused frown. “How do you know?”
He grimaces. “The shooting took place right there. Right outside that shop. I just didn’t know it was today until it happened.”
“And I...” She swallows, looking sick. “God, I almost did it again.”
He’s not sure she isn’t going to pass out or something; she’s looking pretty unsteady on her feet. In one stride, he’s beside her again with his arm supporting her. “You okay? Teleportation can leave you a bit dizzy.”
“That what you did? Wondered.”
He holds up his free arm to show his wrist computer. “This thing can teleport. Can even travel in time if you programme it right.”
She seems okay now, so he lets her go. Though he’s trying to calm down - she is an amateur, after all - he can’t help the anger that’s still coursing through him over what almost happened. What would have happened if he hadn’t realised what was going on, what she was doing, and if his reflexes hadn’t been fast enough.
An entire planet’s history almost changed irrevocably. Yes, no twelve-year-old girl murdered, no civil war, but who knows what could have come in its place? No peace treaty, no cultural revival, no research and policy centre for intergalactic peace studies and co-operation. Much as the conscience he thought he’d long ago left behind protested at stopping Rose, he knows he had no choice.
There are people walking past them now, staring at them - they are aliens, after all, and obviously having some sort of argument. In a low voice, he says, “We should go inside.”
“Oh! Yeah, we should.” She moves closer to the TARDIS, but makes no attempt to find her key.
He gestures impatiently. “Would help if you unlocked the door.”
She starts “Sorry!” Fishing in her jeans pocket, she adds, “Didn’t realise he hasn’t given you a key yet.”
No, the Doctor hasn’t given him a key. And, after this mess, there’s no chance he’s going to. What a joke, telling Rose that he thought the Doctor was starting to trust him. After this? Not likely. Why was he stupid enough to take Rose to the very street where the assassination happened? Okay, he didn’t know it was today, but he still should have known better than to take the risk.
Inside, she turns to him, now less shaky, but still visibly upset. “I’m really sorry, Jack. I jus’... I saw it happening an’ it was instinct. Just like if I was home an’ saw someone was gonna get hurt...”
He sighs, anger dissipating. After all, without the training that’s become instinct by now, he couldn’t have stood by and allowed a child to die either. It wasn’t easy even with what he knows would be the consequences of saving her.
“I know, but, Rose, this isn’t home. This isn’t your time. Surely the Doctor’s told you about the dangers of changing things when you travel in time? We don’t belong here. Yeah, we become part of events, but they’re not our history. Pick up a single leaf here, who knows what the consequences might be?”
“I do know, yeah.” She crosses to the console seat, sinking onto it with what looks like relief. “I... He explained it. But, you know,” she adds suddenly, giving him a puzzled look, “I don’t understand, not really. I mean, we visit places, times, all the time. We speak to people, get involved in things, sometimes we buy things, an’ we definitely touch things. How’s that not changing history in some way?”
“It is, but...” He breaks off, trying to search for a simple explanation, but none comes. He’s not the Doctor; no doubt he’d be able to tell Rose exactly what the difference is. “Took me five years in the Time Agency Academy to learn all the reasons why it’s different. It’s not really something I can explain in five minutes.”
She nods, accepting his answer. “Should’ve known better. I know that, Jack.” Her gaze falls, and she stares down at her feet. “Thing is, I did it before. Almost destroyed the world - the Earth, our planet - then. The Doctor - he was furious with me, an’ I don’t blame him.”
“What?” She did something like that? It actually makes him feel slightly less bad about his own mistake with the nanogenes. Rose almost destroyed the Earth too? “What happened?”
The story he hears in response, involving a dead father alive suddenly, an argument with the Doctor, Reapers and a wound in time, sends chills running down his spine. Reapers - something else in the book of legends that just might be true but no-one can prove it. Stuff of a child’s nightmare, included as part of a Time Agency course on the worst hypothetical consequences of paradoxes.
Terrifying for Rose, no doubt, but the circumstances should have taught her a lesson she wouldn’t forget. Yet what she just did - would have done, if he hadn’t stopped her - was the same thing. Saving the life of someone who should have died. Who had to die.
The criticism just comes before he can censor himself. “And yet you almost did the same damn thing again!”
“I know.” She sounds miserable, and he regrets his accusation. After all, she’s already acknowledged her mistake, and anyway, it’s pretty sick when compassion has to be considered a sin, isn’t it? “Like you said the night we met, Jack. I’m just an amateur. You figured that out pretty fast, too.”
He doesn’t really have an answer for that. She’s right, though she’ll learn - except that, in time-travel, mistakes can be catastrophic. What may appear to be the humane choice can actually be disastrous. And she already knows that. He’s not going to tell her that this doesn’t matter, because it does. Though she knows that, too.
“Jack?”
“Yeah?”
She’s standing now, combing through her hair with shaking fingers. “Don’t tell the Doctor, please? He’d...” Her fist clenches and falls away. “He gave me another chance, last time. This time, he’d send me home. An’, yeah, I know he’d have every right, but...”
But she doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t want to leave the Doctor.
He wouldn’t tell tales, anyway. It’s not his way. And it hurts, just a little, that she assumes she has to ask. “I won’t,” he agrees, his voice tight.
Before he can say any more, there’s a key in the door. “You two back already? Thought I’d be waitin’ a couple of hours for you,” the Doctor says as he lets himself in.
***
She can’t do this.
They’re in the kitchen, the three of them, drinking tea - well, coffee in Jack’s case - chatting idly about Aritrambe, the buildings on stilts and the civil war. The Doctor’s skilfully avoided any attempt to direct the conversation to what he was doing while she was off with Jack, which has kept them focused on what she and Jack did on the planet.
That’s making it worse, far worse. Jack’s keeping his promise, talking cheerfully about playing tourist and some of the things he spotted in that geek shop they went into and avoiding all mention of the assassination.
She’s making him cover for her, and that’s not fair. Especially since he just told her, after the Doctor left them, that he finally feels he’s making progress with the Doctor, that the Doctor’s beginning to trust him. Now she’s risking that trust, making Jack choose between loyalty to her and loyalty to the Doctor. The Doctor’s the one with the power to throw Jack off the TARDIS if he makes the wrong decision, and if that happens it’d be her fault.
She can’t be responsible for that.
Besides, it’s destroying her own friendship with Jack. They were getting on so well, becoming good friends. Trusting each other. And now he’s angry and disappointed in her, of course, and that hurts.
And, of course, she’s deceiving the Doctor. She’s sitting here now under false pretences, because if he knew what she’d done he’d have already dumped her at home. It’s wrong. It feels wrong, and she can barely look at him because she’s lying to him. She’s never lied to the Doctor, not once, not since she met him. Well, not counting little lies like saying she’s fine when maybe she’s not. Never about anything important. And this - this is very important.
“Rose?”
She almost jumps out of her chair as the Doctor addresses her. “Um, yeah?”
“You all right? You’re very quiet.”
She could tell him that she’s fine, just tired, and he’d accept it, let it drop even if he doesn’t believe her. But - no. Because she does actually believe in taking responsibility for her actions, even if she’s not done a great job of it so far this time. And the sick feeling in her stomach’s intensifying.
“No.” She stands, distractedly combing fingers through her hair. As he frowns, looking at her, she takes a deep breath and meets his gaze. If she’s coming clean, she’s going to do it without excuses and without prevarication.
“Something happened while we were out there, Jack an’ me. I did something -”
“Something happened?” The Doctor’s eyes have narrowed and there’s an edge to his voice. “What did you do, Captain?”
“Doctor!” she almost shouts at him. Why is he instantly assuming it was Jack’s fault? “Jack didn’t do anything. Well, he did - he stopped me from doin’ something completely stupid.”
Jack’s watching her, the surprise she saw in his eyes initially replaced with concern. He’s ready to interrupt if she needs it, she reads in his face.
“I almost did it again, Doctor,” she says, rushing the words before anyone else can stop her from confessing. “What I did before - saved someone who should’ve died. There was this girl, an’ I saw a gun- ”
“Don’t tell me you prevented the civil war!” the Doctor interrupts, his tone dangerous. He’s leapt to his feet, knocking his chair over. Fury radiates from him, even worse than the cold, brooding anger over his face after she saved her dad. This is bad, every bit as bad as she feared.
But it’s only fair - she’s the one who was stupid, and now she has to face the consequences.
“No. The girl still died. History hasn’t been -” Jack tries to explain, but the Doctor cuts across him too.
“An’ what were you doin’ when this was happenin’? Off flirtin’ with the first person who looked twice at you?”
“That’s not fair, Doctor!” Angry, she pokes him in the shoulder. “Jack stopped me. If it wasn’t for him, there would’ve been Reapers all over again.”
“You didn’t learn the first -”
“Wait a minute.” Jack’s voice is cold and just a little scary. “Did you know the assassination was today, Doctor?”
For a split second, she could believe the Doctor’s taken aback by Jack’s tone. But then he’s back to being scathing and she’s sure she imagined it. “Course not. Think I’d’ve let the two of you out there on your own if I’d realised? Didn’t look at my watch, that’s all.”
Or his watch is wrong. Which wouldn’t be at all surprising.
And then those glittery blue-grey eyes are on her again, stormy and forbidding. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just dump you back home right this minute.”
That’s the trouble. She can’t.
***
Silence hangs over the room like a shroud after Rose excuses herself to go to her room.
However angry he was with her on Aritrambe, right now he has nothing but respect for her. The Doctor flayed her, with words and with looks that would’ve intimidated even seasoned Time Agency bosses, and she took it all with quiet dignity. The only time she lost her cool was when the Doctor accused him of being to blame.
And, in the end, she offered no defence. No excuses, no pleas in mitigation; instead, a straight admission of wrongdoing. No, she couldn’t give the Doctor any reason why he shouldn’t take her home, she told him, and then, chin held high and eyes bright with the tears she was refusing to shed, she announced her intention of leaving the Doctor to make his decision.
That took courage, of a kind he’s rarely seen before. Oh, anyone can run into danger in the heat of battle, but this is different. He knows Rose hates the thought of being sent home; she loves this life, but even more so she loves the Doctor. She knows - has to know - that he cares for her too, that most of the time she has him wrapped around her little finger, but she refused to use that in her favour.
The Doctor’s standing by the sink, hip resting against the counter, gazing at something apparently only he can see. He should probably leave, Jack knows; leave his host to think things over and come to a decision. But, on the other hand, if the Doctor wanted to be left alone to think things over he could have left the room himself.
Pushing back his chair, he stands and attempts to catch the Doctor’s eye. He’s unsuccessful until he speaks. “You’re not gonna send her home, right?”
Suddenly, those stormy eyes are directed straight at him. “Tell me something. When you were a captain in the Time Agency, if someone under your command had done something that stupid, what would you have done?”
“Thought you said I’d never been a captain?”
“Actually, I said if you’d ever been one you’d been defrocked.” Amazingly, there’s a glint of something close to amusement in the Doctor’s voice, even if just for a second. “Don’t change the subject. What would you have done?”
Jack’s face is grim. “You know what I would’ve done. Straight back to headquarters for a court-martial. But there’s a big difference here, Doctor. Time Agents are trained. They know the rules, inside out. She’s just a kid from the twenty-first century, more than two thousand years before anyone seriously believed time-travel was possible. What training’s she had?”
“She’s travelled with me for five months, linear time. That’s far better training than your Time Agency could ever give. Don’t make excuses for her just because she’s from a time that feels prehistoric to you.”
Is that what he’s doing? Yes, there are times when he’s very conscious of that difference between him and Rose, that gap that sometimes feels almost unbridgeable, far more so than the difference in experience and training.
There are occasions when he’ll make casual mention of something that’s second nature to him, so much a part of his upbringing and life, and she’ll just look at him blankly. There have been times when he’s been immersed in conversation with the Doctor and he’ll notice Rose’s expression: completely bemused, lost, barely making sense of what they’re talking about. Then, though, she’ll ask questions, try to understand, even if much of it might as well be in a foreign language.
Is he making allowances for her? But, if he is, is that so wrong?
“Besides,” the Doctor continues before he can say so, and his eyes are glittery with fury and a darkness Jack can’t name, “she’s done it before. Did she tell you that? Did she tell you how she almost destroyed the human race three millennia before you were even born, Jack? If I hadn’t been there, an’ if someone else hadn’t been willing to sacrifice his own life to put things right, you’d never have been born.”
Jack nods. “She told me.”
“An’ you’re here tryin’ to persuade me to give her another chance?” The Doctor sounds incredulous.
“You gave me another chance. And if you’re talking about people who should know better...” Jack shrugs. In that, there’s no comparison at all between him and Rose. “Besides, I was just trying to make a fast buck. At least she was trying to save someone’s life - even if it was someone who history said had to die.”
“So answer me this.” The Doctor’s piercing eyes meet his. “You knew she’d done it before. You knew the consequences if she’d succeeded this time. Why didn’t you tell me what she did?”
He shrugs again. “Figured it was up to her.”
The look he gets in return sees far more than he wants the Doctor to. “She asked you not to, didn’t she?”
He won’t answer that. “She told you herself, Doctor. That’s all that matters.”
The Doctor looks completely unconvinced. He has to make one more effort on Rose’s behalf, though. Yes, what she did was wrong and could have had devastating consequences, but he’d lay any odds the Doctor could name that she’d never do it again. And he’d swear, too, that, as angry as he is with her right now, the Doctor would find her loss devastating if he did dump her back home. He’s seen, after all, how much the Doctor seems to need Rose, and he’s guessed at why.
“So what are you going to do with her? You really throwing her out?”
“Why are you so concerned, Jack? You think if Rose goes I won’t have a reason to keep you around any longer? You’re only here cause Rose asked me to let you stay, right?”
Well, it’s only what he’s guessed was the reason the Doctor saved his life, even if there have been hints otherwise from time to time, and not only because the Doctor was being the lofty Time Lord. “That’s not why. If you want me to leave, Doctor, you only have to say the word. If I recall correctly, you’re the one who insisted I was staying from the start. You didn’t trust me let loose out there in the universe, did you?”
The Doctor’s expression is impassive. “Why, then?”
“Because she’s sorry. Because everyone deserves another chance - yeah, even if she’s already had one. Because all she did was follow her nature - she cares about people, and that’s one of the things you like most about her. And because you don’t want her gone. You know, I think you’re being harder on her because she matters to you more than you want to admit and you’re taking it personally that she let you down.”
And with that the atmosphere changes. The Doctor shuts down completely, something terrible and forbidding in his eyes, and he turns on his heel and leaves the room.
***
Why do they never learn? Or is it that he just picks the wrong ones time after time?
She said, the last time, that she was sorry. If she meant it, she wouldn’t have bloody gone and done it again. Or almost done it - like she said, it was only because Jack stopped her. That would have been one hell of a mess he’d have had to clean up. No assassination, no civil war, no mass population reduction, no peace treaty - and a girl alive who should have been dead. And without his people around to help undo the resulting paradoxes the consequences would have been unthinkable.
And what was Jack doing trying to make him feel guilty for doing exactly what he has to do? Now he remembers why he stopped taking on more than one passenger at once. Either they’re fighting with each other or they’re ganging up on him.
He’s not being hard on her. She knows the rules - he explained to her before, in detail, why she can’t just save the lives of people history says should die. And he gave her a second chance already. It’s more than he gave Adam - well, unless he counts letting Adam come along after he abandoned Rose to the Dalek, and now that he thinks of it that should have been his first clue that the bloke wasn’t worth the effort.
Jack’s got it all wrong. He’s not judging her more harshly because he cares about her. She broke the rules, regardless of motive, and now she has to face the consequences. It’s as simple as that. Course it is.
He pushes away from the corridor wall. Time to get this over with, tell her his decision and finish it. Won’t be easy - she’ll cry, and probably plead with him - but it has to be done.
At least, he muses, striding along the hallways that lead to Rose’s bedroom, where he assumes she’s sought refuge, no doubt waiting for him to calm down, Jackie Tyler will be pleased. This will be the first time he’s done something right in her eyes - what irony that it’s this, returning her daughter to her and walking out of Rose’s life once and for all.
His footsteps slow as he nears her room, his fists clenching as images, unbidden, pour into his mind.
The innocently-offered companionship of a naïve, ignorant child from the twenty-first century to an alien, many times her intellectual superior, alone in the universe.
The complete lack of blame - and moral support - when he almost got her killed because of a stupid, unthinking decision.
A wide, brilliant smile, so often bestowed, and even at times when he doesn’t deserve it and shouldn’t expect it, that warms his hearts in a way he never thought was possible ever again.
Wisdom far beyond her years, and a degree of mercy he’s long past being capable of, as she showed him why he couldn’t kill the one last remaining member of the species that was his greatest enemy, the reason why he’s alone.
Hurt he should never have felt, not at the hands of one human, not after the hurt upon hurt he’s experienced and survived, as she told him he’s not the most important man in her life. Emptiness replacing anger as he walked away, and a hollow inevitability as he realised that, danger or not, he couldn’t leave her. Relief, joy, even in the face of disaster, as she said she was sorry and he hugged her.
Get it over with. With a deep breath, he takes the final steps to her room.
She’s stuffing clothing into her rucksack as he comes to a halt in the doorway. With a start, she turns to look at him. “Doctor. ’M almost ready.”
Her eyes are red-rimmed, but she’s not crying now. Her voice is subdued but calm. “Ready?” Folding his arms, he fixes her with a steady gaze.
“Packed.” She nods down at her rucksack.
“Going somewhere?” Now, where did that come from? He’s sending her home. That decision’s already been made. There wasn’t even a choice. And she’s already accepted it. He should be happy that he’s avoiding the pleading and appeals to his better nature.
Something flashes over her face - hurt? - but vanishes immediately. “You’re gonna send me home, Doctor. You don’t have to break it to me gently or anything. ‘S what I deserve.”
He nods once, briefly. “Yep. It is.”
She takes a deep breath, then turns and comes over to him, holding out her hand, palm upwards. Resting in it is her TARDIS key. “An’, Doctor? I just wanna say... thank you. Everywhere you’ve taken me, everything we’ve done together - I wouldn’t’ve missed it for anything. You’ve shown me stuff I never even imagined before. I’ll never forget it.” She swallows, and for the first time he sees the glimmer of fresh tears in her eyes. “I’ll never forget you.”
He can see himself taking the key from her and striding off, telling her to be ready in five minutes. He can see himself folding her fingers back around the key, telling her not to be daft, of course he’s not sending her away. He can see himself pulling her into his arms, hugging her, telling her that he forgives her. And he can see himself ordering her to get her things, now, and follow him to the console-room.
There’s a knot in his gut that’s not moving. And the fury whirling within him since he found out what she did’s still there too. But now he’s angry with himself more than with him: angry because he wants to forgive her and keep her with him, but there’s no reason why. Why should she get a free pass when he knows damn well what he’d have done if Jack had been the one to transgress? When he kicked Adam out for almost changing history, too?
Though Adam’s sins were motivated by greed and selfishness. Not, as Jack pointed out, by the compassion that’s one of the things which made him realise that Rose is different. Compassion or not, though, she knows she can’t go about changing history. She had her second chance, she blew it, and he can’t believe he’s questioning what he should do.
He knows why, though, and that’s the biggest reason why he should stick to his decision. Because Jack is right. She does matter, this human, this Rose Tyler, far more than she should. Far more than he should ever have let anyone matter to him ever again. Because people he cares about die. They leave him. They get killed. And sometimes he kills them.
He cares about her. And that’s why he should dump her back in the Powell Estates and never go anywhere near there ever again.
Stupid, stupid girl. But, really, he’s the stupid one. When will he ever learn not to become attached?
***
tbc
Author: wmr wendymr
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness
Rated: PG13
Disclaimer: Only the missing time between The Doctor Dances and Boom Town belongs to me (I wish)
Summary: The Doctor said he'd better be bigger on the inside. But is he?
With huge thanks again to dark_aegis and ponygirl72 for being two of the very best beta-readers around. :)
Chapter 1: Stray l Chapter 2: Tea and Sympathy l Chapter 3: Out of Time l Chapter 4: Learning to Trust l Chapter 5: Failing the Test
Chapter 6: Judgement
She’s breathing heavily, eyes wide with shock and rage, looking at him as if she wants to thump him. “You let that kid be killed!”
“Of course I did!” he yells back. “We can’t change the history of this planet, Rose. Don’t you know that?”
“History? Just because one little kid -”
She breaks off abruptly. Then, in a voice so low he can barely hear it, she says, “Just one kid. One ordinary person. Oh, god.”
“Yeah.” He breathes heavily, audibly, the beating of his heart slowly returning to normal. Shit. He’s been in tense situations before. He’s seen people killed before. Why’s this any different? “Only that wasn’t just an ordinary kid, Rose,” he explains. “She was the opposition leader’s daughter.”
Her eyes grow even wider. “You’re kidd- No, you’re not.” The shocked expression becomes a confused frown. “How do you know?”
He grimaces. “The shooting took place right there. Right outside that shop. I just didn’t know it was today until it happened.”
“And I...” She swallows, looking sick. “God, I almost did it again.”
He’s not sure she isn’t going to pass out or something; she’s looking pretty unsteady on her feet. In one stride, he’s beside her again with his arm supporting her. “You okay? Teleportation can leave you a bit dizzy.”
“That what you did? Wondered.”
He holds up his free arm to show his wrist computer. “This thing can teleport. Can even travel in time if you programme it right.”
She seems okay now, so he lets her go. Though he’s trying to calm down - she is an amateur, after all - he can’t help the anger that’s still coursing through him over what almost happened. What would have happened if he hadn’t realised what was going on, what she was doing, and if his reflexes hadn’t been fast enough.
An entire planet’s history almost changed irrevocably. Yes, no twelve-year-old girl murdered, no civil war, but who knows what could have come in its place? No peace treaty, no cultural revival, no research and policy centre for intergalactic peace studies and co-operation. Much as the conscience he thought he’d long ago left behind protested at stopping Rose, he knows he had no choice.
There are people walking past them now, staring at them - they are aliens, after all, and obviously having some sort of argument. In a low voice, he says, “We should go inside.”
“Oh! Yeah, we should.” She moves closer to the TARDIS, but makes no attempt to find her key.
He gestures impatiently. “Would help if you unlocked the door.”
She starts “Sorry!” Fishing in her jeans pocket, she adds, “Didn’t realise he hasn’t given you a key yet.”
No, the Doctor hasn’t given him a key. And, after this mess, there’s no chance he’s going to. What a joke, telling Rose that he thought the Doctor was starting to trust him. After this? Not likely. Why was he stupid enough to take Rose to the very street where the assassination happened? Okay, he didn’t know it was today, but he still should have known better than to take the risk.
Inside, she turns to him, now less shaky, but still visibly upset. “I’m really sorry, Jack. I jus’... I saw it happening an’ it was instinct. Just like if I was home an’ saw someone was gonna get hurt...”
He sighs, anger dissipating. After all, without the training that’s become instinct by now, he couldn’t have stood by and allowed a child to die either. It wasn’t easy even with what he knows would be the consequences of saving her.
“I know, but, Rose, this isn’t home. This isn’t your time. Surely the Doctor’s told you about the dangers of changing things when you travel in time? We don’t belong here. Yeah, we become part of events, but they’re not our history. Pick up a single leaf here, who knows what the consequences might be?”
“I do know, yeah.” She crosses to the console seat, sinking onto it with what looks like relief. “I... He explained it. But, you know,” she adds suddenly, giving him a puzzled look, “I don’t understand, not really. I mean, we visit places, times, all the time. We speak to people, get involved in things, sometimes we buy things, an’ we definitely touch things. How’s that not changing history in some way?”
“It is, but...” He breaks off, trying to search for a simple explanation, but none comes. He’s not the Doctor; no doubt he’d be able to tell Rose exactly what the difference is. “Took me five years in the Time Agency Academy to learn all the reasons why it’s different. It’s not really something I can explain in five minutes.”
She nods, accepting his answer. “Should’ve known better. I know that, Jack.” Her gaze falls, and she stares down at her feet. “Thing is, I did it before. Almost destroyed the world - the Earth, our planet - then. The Doctor - he was furious with me, an’ I don’t blame him.”
“What?” She did something like that? It actually makes him feel slightly less bad about his own mistake with the nanogenes. Rose almost destroyed the Earth too? “What happened?”
The story he hears in response, involving a dead father alive suddenly, an argument with the Doctor, Reapers and a wound in time, sends chills running down his spine. Reapers - something else in the book of legends that just might be true but no-one can prove it. Stuff of a child’s nightmare, included as part of a Time Agency course on the worst hypothetical consequences of paradoxes.
Terrifying for Rose, no doubt, but the circumstances should have taught her a lesson she wouldn’t forget. Yet what she just did - would have done, if he hadn’t stopped her - was the same thing. Saving the life of someone who should have died. Who had to die.
The criticism just comes before he can censor himself. “And yet you almost did the same damn thing again!”
“I know.” She sounds miserable, and he regrets his accusation. After all, she’s already acknowledged her mistake, and anyway, it’s pretty sick when compassion has to be considered a sin, isn’t it? “Like you said the night we met, Jack. I’m just an amateur. You figured that out pretty fast, too.”
He doesn’t really have an answer for that. She’s right, though she’ll learn - except that, in time-travel, mistakes can be catastrophic. What may appear to be the humane choice can actually be disastrous. And she already knows that. He’s not going to tell her that this doesn’t matter, because it does. Though she knows that, too.
“Jack?”
“Yeah?”
She’s standing now, combing through her hair with shaking fingers. “Don’t tell the Doctor, please? He’d...” Her fist clenches and falls away. “He gave me another chance, last time. This time, he’d send me home. An’, yeah, I know he’d have every right, but...”
But she doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t want to leave the Doctor.
He wouldn’t tell tales, anyway. It’s not his way. And it hurts, just a little, that she assumes she has to ask. “I won’t,” he agrees, his voice tight.
Before he can say any more, there’s a key in the door. “You two back already? Thought I’d be waitin’ a couple of hours for you,” the Doctor says as he lets himself in.
***
She can’t do this.
They’re in the kitchen, the three of them, drinking tea - well, coffee in Jack’s case - chatting idly about Aritrambe, the buildings on stilts and the civil war. The Doctor’s skilfully avoided any attempt to direct the conversation to what he was doing while she was off with Jack, which has kept them focused on what she and Jack did on the planet.
That’s making it worse, far worse. Jack’s keeping his promise, talking cheerfully about playing tourist and some of the things he spotted in that geek shop they went into and avoiding all mention of the assassination.
She’s making him cover for her, and that’s not fair. Especially since he just told her, after the Doctor left them, that he finally feels he’s making progress with the Doctor, that the Doctor’s beginning to trust him. Now she’s risking that trust, making Jack choose between loyalty to her and loyalty to the Doctor. The Doctor’s the one with the power to throw Jack off the TARDIS if he makes the wrong decision, and if that happens it’d be her fault.
She can’t be responsible for that.
Besides, it’s destroying her own friendship with Jack. They were getting on so well, becoming good friends. Trusting each other. And now he’s angry and disappointed in her, of course, and that hurts.
And, of course, she’s deceiving the Doctor. She’s sitting here now under false pretences, because if he knew what she’d done he’d have already dumped her at home. It’s wrong. It feels wrong, and she can barely look at him because she’s lying to him. She’s never lied to the Doctor, not once, not since she met him. Well, not counting little lies like saying she’s fine when maybe she’s not. Never about anything important. And this - this is very important.
“Rose?”
She almost jumps out of her chair as the Doctor addresses her. “Um, yeah?”
“You all right? You’re very quiet.”
She could tell him that she’s fine, just tired, and he’d accept it, let it drop even if he doesn’t believe her. But - no. Because she does actually believe in taking responsibility for her actions, even if she’s not done a great job of it so far this time. And the sick feeling in her stomach’s intensifying.
“No.” She stands, distractedly combing fingers through her hair. As he frowns, looking at her, she takes a deep breath and meets his gaze. If she’s coming clean, she’s going to do it without excuses and without prevarication.
“Something happened while we were out there, Jack an’ me. I did something -”
“Something happened?” The Doctor’s eyes have narrowed and there’s an edge to his voice. “What did you do, Captain?”
“Doctor!” she almost shouts at him. Why is he instantly assuming it was Jack’s fault? “Jack didn’t do anything. Well, he did - he stopped me from doin’ something completely stupid.”
Jack’s watching her, the surprise she saw in his eyes initially replaced with concern. He’s ready to interrupt if she needs it, she reads in his face.
“I almost did it again, Doctor,” she says, rushing the words before anyone else can stop her from confessing. “What I did before - saved someone who should’ve died. There was this girl, an’ I saw a gun- ”
“Don’t tell me you prevented the civil war!” the Doctor interrupts, his tone dangerous. He’s leapt to his feet, knocking his chair over. Fury radiates from him, even worse than the cold, brooding anger over his face after she saved her dad. This is bad, every bit as bad as she feared.
But it’s only fair - she’s the one who was stupid, and now she has to face the consequences.
“No. The girl still died. History hasn’t been -” Jack tries to explain, but the Doctor cuts across him too.
“An’ what were you doin’ when this was happenin’? Off flirtin’ with the first person who looked twice at you?”
“That’s not fair, Doctor!” Angry, she pokes him in the shoulder. “Jack stopped me. If it wasn’t for him, there would’ve been Reapers all over again.”
“You didn’t learn the first -”
“Wait a minute.” Jack’s voice is cold and just a little scary. “Did you know the assassination was today, Doctor?”
For a split second, she could believe the Doctor’s taken aback by Jack’s tone. But then he’s back to being scathing and she’s sure she imagined it. “Course not. Think I’d’ve let the two of you out there on your own if I’d realised? Didn’t look at my watch, that’s all.”
Or his watch is wrong. Which wouldn’t be at all surprising.
And then those glittery blue-grey eyes are on her again, stormy and forbidding. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just dump you back home right this minute.”
That’s the trouble. She can’t.
***
Silence hangs over the room like a shroud after Rose excuses herself to go to her room.
However angry he was with her on Aritrambe, right now he has nothing but respect for her. The Doctor flayed her, with words and with looks that would’ve intimidated even seasoned Time Agency bosses, and she took it all with quiet dignity. The only time she lost her cool was when the Doctor accused him of being to blame.
And, in the end, she offered no defence. No excuses, no pleas in mitigation; instead, a straight admission of wrongdoing. No, she couldn’t give the Doctor any reason why he shouldn’t take her home, she told him, and then, chin held high and eyes bright with the tears she was refusing to shed, she announced her intention of leaving the Doctor to make his decision.
That took courage, of a kind he’s rarely seen before. Oh, anyone can run into danger in the heat of battle, but this is different. He knows Rose hates the thought of being sent home; she loves this life, but even more so she loves the Doctor. She knows - has to know - that he cares for her too, that most of the time she has him wrapped around her little finger, but she refused to use that in her favour.
The Doctor’s standing by the sink, hip resting against the counter, gazing at something apparently only he can see. He should probably leave, Jack knows; leave his host to think things over and come to a decision. But, on the other hand, if the Doctor wanted to be left alone to think things over he could have left the room himself.
Pushing back his chair, he stands and attempts to catch the Doctor’s eye. He’s unsuccessful until he speaks. “You’re not gonna send her home, right?”
Suddenly, those stormy eyes are directed straight at him. “Tell me something. When you were a captain in the Time Agency, if someone under your command had done something that stupid, what would you have done?”
“Thought you said I’d never been a captain?”
“Actually, I said if you’d ever been one you’d been defrocked.” Amazingly, there’s a glint of something close to amusement in the Doctor’s voice, even if just for a second. “Don’t change the subject. What would you have done?”
Jack’s face is grim. “You know what I would’ve done. Straight back to headquarters for a court-martial. But there’s a big difference here, Doctor. Time Agents are trained. They know the rules, inside out. She’s just a kid from the twenty-first century, more than two thousand years before anyone seriously believed time-travel was possible. What training’s she had?”
“She’s travelled with me for five months, linear time. That’s far better training than your Time Agency could ever give. Don’t make excuses for her just because she’s from a time that feels prehistoric to you.”
Is that what he’s doing? Yes, there are times when he’s very conscious of that difference between him and Rose, that gap that sometimes feels almost unbridgeable, far more so than the difference in experience and training.
There are occasions when he’ll make casual mention of something that’s second nature to him, so much a part of his upbringing and life, and she’ll just look at him blankly. There have been times when he’s been immersed in conversation with the Doctor and he’ll notice Rose’s expression: completely bemused, lost, barely making sense of what they’re talking about. Then, though, she’ll ask questions, try to understand, even if much of it might as well be in a foreign language.
Is he making allowances for her? But, if he is, is that so wrong?
“Besides,” the Doctor continues before he can say so, and his eyes are glittery with fury and a darkness Jack can’t name, “she’s done it before. Did she tell you that? Did she tell you how she almost destroyed the human race three millennia before you were even born, Jack? If I hadn’t been there, an’ if someone else hadn’t been willing to sacrifice his own life to put things right, you’d never have been born.”
Jack nods. “She told me.”
“An’ you’re here tryin’ to persuade me to give her another chance?” The Doctor sounds incredulous.
“You gave me another chance. And if you’re talking about people who should know better...” Jack shrugs. In that, there’s no comparison at all between him and Rose. “Besides, I was just trying to make a fast buck. At least she was trying to save someone’s life - even if it was someone who history said had to die.”
“So answer me this.” The Doctor’s piercing eyes meet his. “You knew she’d done it before. You knew the consequences if she’d succeeded this time. Why didn’t you tell me what she did?”
He shrugs again. “Figured it was up to her.”
The look he gets in return sees far more than he wants the Doctor to. “She asked you not to, didn’t she?”
He won’t answer that. “She told you herself, Doctor. That’s all that matters.”
The Doctor looks completely unconvinced. He has to make one more effort on Rose’s behalf, though. Yes, what she did was wrong and could have had devastating consequences, but he’d lay any odds the Doctor could name that she’d never do it again. And he’d swear, too, that, as angry as he is with her right now, the Doctor would find her loss devastating if he did dump her back home. He’s seen, after all, how much the Doctor seems to need Rose, and he’s guessed at why.
“So what are you going to do with her? You really throwing her out?”
“Why are you so concerned, Jack? You think if Rose goes I won’t have a reason to keep you around any longer? You’re only here cause Rose asked me to let you stay, right?”
Well, it’s only what he’s guessed was the reason the Doctor saved his life, even if there have been hints otherwise from time to time, and not only because the Doctor was being the lofty Time Lord. “That’s not why. If you want me to leave, Doctor, you only have to say the word. If I recall correctly, you’re the one who insisted I was staying from the start. You didn’t trust me let loose out there in the universe, did you?”
The Doctor’s expression is impassive. “Why, then?”
“Because she’s sorry. Because everyone deserves another chance - yeah, even if she’s already had one. Because all she did was follow her nature - she cares about people, and that’s one of the things you like most about her. And because you don’t want her gone. You know, I think you’re being harder on her because she matters to you more than you want to admit and you’re taking it personally that she let you down.”
And with that the atmosphere changes. The Doctor shuts down completely, something terrible and forbidding in his eyes, and he turns on his heel and leaves the room.
***
Why do they never learn? Or is it that he just picks the wrong ones time after time?
She said, the last time, that she was sorry. If she meant it, she wouldn’t have bloody gone and done it again. Or almost done it - like she said, it was only because Jack stopped her. That would have been one hell of a mess he’d have had to clean up. No assassination, no civil war, no mass population reduction, no peace treaty - and a girl alive who should have been dead. And without his people around to help undo the resulting paradoxes the consequences would have been unthinkable.
And what was Jack doing trying to make him feel guilty for doing exactly what he has to do? Now he remembers why he stopped taking on more than one passenger at once. Either they’re fighting with each other or they’re ganging up on him.
He’s not being hard on her. She knows the rules - he explained to her before, in detail, why she can’t just save the lives of people history says should die. And he gave her a second chance already. It’s more than he gave Adam - well, unless he counts letting Adam come along after he abandoned Rose to the Dalek, and now that he thinks of it that should have been his first clue that the bloke wasn’t worth the effort.
Jack’s got it all wrong. He’s not judging her more harshly because he cares about her. She broke the rules, regardless of motive, and now she has to face the consequences. It’s as simple as that. Course it is.
He pushes away from the corridor wall. Time to get this over with, tell her his decision and finish it. Won’t be easy - she’ll cry, and probably plead with him - but it has to be done.
At least, he muses, striding along the hallways that lead to Rose’s bedroom, where he assumes she’s sought refuge, no doubt waiting for him to calm down, Jackie Tyler will be pleased. This will be the first time he’s done something right in her eyes - what irony that it’s this, returning her daughter to her and walking out of Rose’s life once and for all.
His footsteps slow as he nears her room, his fists clenching as images, unbidden, pour into his mind.
The innocently-offered companionship of a naïve, ignorant child from the twenty-first century to an alien, many times her intellectual superior, alone in the universe.
The complete lack of blame - and moral support - when he almost got her killed because of a stupid, unthinking decision.
A wide, brilliant smile, so often bestowed, and even at times when he doesn’t deserve it and shouldn’t expect it, that warms his hearts in a way he never thought was possible ever again.
Wisdom far beyond her years, and a degree of mercy he’s long past being capable of, as she showed him why he couldn’t kill the one last remaining member of the species that was his greatest enemy, the reason why he’s alone.
Hurt he should never have felt, not at the hands of one human, not after the hurt upon hurt he’s experienced and survived, as she told him he’s not the most important man in her life. Emptiness replacing anger as he walked away, and a hollow inevitability as he realised that, danger or not, he couldn’t leave her. Relief, joy, even in the face of disaster, as she said she was sorry and he hugged her.
Get it over with. With a deep breath, he takes the final steps to her room.
She’s stuffing clothing into her rucksack as he comes to a halt in the doorway. With a start, she turns to look at him. “Doctor. ’M almost ready.”
Her eyes are red-rimmed, but she’s not crying now. Her voice is subdued but calm. “Ready?” Folding his arms, he fixes her with a steady gaze.
“Packed.” She nods down at her rucksack.
“Going somewhere?” Now, where did that come from? He’s sending her home. That decision’s already been made. There wasn’t even a choice. And she’s already accepted it. He should be happy that he’s avoiding the pleading and appeals to his better nature.
Something flashes over her face - hurt? - but vanishes immediately. “You’re gonna send me home, Doctor. You don’t have to break it to me gently or anything. ‘S what I deserve.”
He nods once, briefly. “Yep. It is.”
She takes a deep breath, then turns and comes over to him, holding out her hand, palm upwards. Resting in it is her TARDIS key. “An’, Doctor? I just wanna say... thank you. Everywhere you’ve taken me, everything we’ve done together - I wouldn’t’ve missed it for anything. You’ve shown me stuff I never even imagined before. I’ll never forget it.” She swallows, and for the first time he sees the glimmer of fresh tears in her eyes. “I’ll never forget you.”
He can see himself taking the key from her and striding off, telling her to be ready in five minutes. He can see himself folding her fingers back around the key, telling her not to be daft, of course he’s not sending her away. He can see himself pulling her into his arms, hugging her, telling her that he forgives her. And he can see himself ordering her to get her things, now, and follow him to the console-room.
There’s a knot in his gut that’s not moving. And the fury whirling within him since he found out what she did’s still there too. But now he’s angry with himself more than with him: angry because he wants to forgive her and keep her with him, but there’s no reason why. Why should she get a free pass when he knows damn well what he’d have done if Jack had been the one to transgress? When he kicked Adam out for almost changing history, too?
Though Adam’s sins were motivated by greed and selfishness. Not, as Jack pointed out, by the compassion that’s one of the things which made him realise that Rose is different. Compassion or not, though, she knows she can’t go about changing history. She had her second chance, she blew it, and he can’t believe he’s questioning what he should do.
He knows why, though, and that’s the biggest reason why he should stick to his decision. Because Jack is right. She does matter, this human, this Rose Tyler, far more than she should. Far more than he should ever have let anyone matter to him ever again. Because people he cares about die. They leave him. They get killed. And sometimes he kills them.
He cares about her. And that’s why he should dump her back in the Powell Estates and never go anywhere near there ever again.
Stupid, stupid girl. But, really, he’s the stupid one. When will he ever learn not to become attached?
***
tbc