Fic: Regrets 1/1
Story: Regrets
Author: WMR
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Jack
Rated: PG
Spoilers: POTW, Torchwood if you squint
Summary: Some time in your future, Jack, you’re going to think I’ve betrayed you.
With thanks to Gillian Taylor for beta :)
Regrets
Most people, he knows, have regrets as they come to the end of their life. He, unusually, has to confront all of his at the beginning of his lives.
So many things he could have done better. So many truths he could have told before it was too late.
Such as warning companions about this little detail called regeneration. At least giving them the faintest hint that one day he may turn up with a completely different face.
Or, this time, that some day a companion who believes he is trusted, believes he is valued, loved even, may find himself abandoned through no fault of his own.
Regrets. Oh, he’s had a few. But not too few to mention.
Wait. First Disney movies, now classic (tired) old Frank Sinatra songs. Is this what he’s going to be like in this regeneration?
He really should have been ginger. Rude’s one thing, but being an expert on the twentieth-century human entertainment industry? Really, his previous self had it better with his Dickens obsession. Still, at least he doesn’t have those ears any more. Much nicer ears, these ones. Sexy, even. Well, perhaps.
Regrets. Oh, yes, he has regrets.
Regrets for his beloved TARDIS, too, pulled about and ripped apart by a bloody great yellow truck driven by Mickey the Idiot, encouraged by Jackie Tyler and Rose. Yes, Rose. Rose, whose only fault, admittedly, was wanting to save his life, but in the process what has she done? What offences has she committed against the laws of time and life and the universe? He’s still adding those up.
Yes, she saved him, even if he died anyway to save her, and she killed the Daleks. So in the end he can’t be angry with her. But she played with the Time Vortex, held the whole of space and time in her hands, had more power than anyone else in the entire history of the universe. The kind of power that, had she known more of what she was doing, could have brought about the complete collapse of everything.
Well, she didn’t know, and in the end most of it worked out all right. Except for one little detail. Just one trivial little thing. Hardly anything at all, really.
Just that there’s a man who should be dead who’s actually alive. Alive, and alone on a deserted satellite full of dead bodies. A man who’s got a pretty bleak immediate future ahead of him and who, right now, believes that he’s been dumped like a piece of scrap by people he trusted. People he... loved.
A man who should be dead, but is alive because one human girl, and the TARDIS conspiring with her, didn’t want him dead. Didn’t want either of them - himself or Jack - dead.
Playing with life and death... oh, that’s never a good idea. Always has repercussions. The universe never gives without taking away. And he can see, can already see, that there are repercussions for Jack. Lots of them. The timelines play out inside his head, the numerous possibilities, some worse than others. But there are common threads, and some of those are bad. Very bad. Bad like he doesn’t even want to imagine.
He could prevent it, of course. Take the TARDIS back to the Game Station, to a few seconds after he took Rose away, getting into the Vortex before he regenerated. Go back and pick Jack up, bring him home, ensure that none of the bad gets a chance to happen in the first place.
He could. But then there are other possibilities. Other timelines. And those are equally bad, if not worse. Jack changed by the power of the Vortex, in ways the timelines aren’t showing him. Tensions, perhaps between Jack and Rose. Perhaps between Jack and himself.
It won’t, can’t be the same as before, the three of them running through time and space, getting into trouble, saving the universe. Too much has happened. Too much has changed. Bringing Jack back here... no, it won’t work. Can’t work. Besides, as much as there are bad times ahead for Jack, there are things he has to do. That’s one thing the timelines do suggest that’s beyond doubt.
No. Jack’s been left behind, and that’s indisputable, unchangeable fact.
But maybe there’s one thing that’s not unchangeable. One tiny thing he can do without disrupting timelines. Just one tiny trip into his own past, to adjust one little detail. Yes, there’s a risk, but there are always risks, whatever he does. One more won’t make a difference, will it?
And besides... He’s the Doctor. He knows what he’s doing.
He smoothes his hand over the console, over the controls and levers, caressing his beautiful ship as he does. The one thing he has that’s indisputably his. The one constant in his life.
Rose won’t miss him. She’s off visiting some relation of hers with her mum, and they won’t be back for several hours. He can be back within minutes of his departure. No-one will even notice the TARDIS leaving.
He sets the co-ordinates and the Time Rotor begins to pulse.
***
Callifrax Maximus. A brief stop-off just four days ago in his timeline, about six million years in the future from where he’s just been. A piece of the dimensional stabilisers snapped suddenly. Jack, of course, claimed it was because of all his rough landings, and he... oh, he went all lofty Time Lord in response, telling Jack that he knew nothing about it and that when he’d lived nine hundred years he could start to think he knew something about flying the TARDIS.
And then he sent Jack out to find a replacement part, while he stayed behind and stripped down that section of the grid and Rose did some laundry.
Now that he thinks about it, Jack did seem rather quiet when he came back. Not that he, of course, paid much attention to that. He was too busy repairing the TARDIS and demonstrating his superior ability with mechanics, and then announcing that despite all his hard work they needed to refuel the TARDIS’s power.
Then, of course, barely two days later Jack’s mechanical ability helped to save Rose’s life. To save all of their lives, just so they could live long enough to take on the Daleks. And Jack himself showed his worth by volunteering to die to buy time for him to build the Delta wave.
What’s that human saying? You never appreciate what you’ve got until you lose it? So very true.
The TARDIS is nicely hidden in an alleyway half a mile away from her earlier self; it wouldn’t do for anyone to see two of them here. Especially not the younger him. A quick check around outside in the viewscreen, and he exits. The parts dealer Jack went to shouldn’t be far from here.
And there he is. Walking straight towards him, that same familiar swagger as he goes. Captain Jack Harkness.
Jack’s noticed him; he has to smother a grin as he sees the human sizing him up, assessing his potential and then giving him a flirtatious smile. Not a serious one; Jack’s in a hurry. But he’ll never miss an opportunity to ogle.
“Jack. A word?” He flashes a smile at his friend.
And suddenly Jack’s smile’s gone. There’s wariness in the blue eyes, and tension in the fit, muscular body. “Do I know you?”
“Not yet. But you will, some day.” Hands deep in the pockets of his trench-coat, he holds Jack’s gaze.
“From my future, then. Right. Well, if you’ll excuse me...” Jack begins to stride past.
He catches hold of the Captain’s arm. “I only want a couple of minutes of your time. That’s all. Hardly anything, really. Not compared to... ooh, even a human lifetime.”
“You’re from my future. That’s reason enough why we shouldn’t be talking. Now, I think that’s enough.”
“Take my word for it, Jack, if this was avoidable...” He blows out a breath and winces, running a hand through the back of his hair. Still can’t quite get used to having hair, really. “I know what I’m doing,” he says, his tone earnest. “Believe me, I wouldn’t be crossing my own timeline if I didn’t.”
“Your timeline?” Jack’s eyes narrow. “How is this your timeline?”
“Tell me, Jack, how much did you know about Time Lords before you met one?” He tilts his head to one side, his smile friendly. “Did you ever hear of regeneration, perhaps?”
But the wary look on Jack’s face has just got harder. His eyes are colder. “I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t get out of my way...” His hand’s in his inside jacket pocket now. Going for his blaster.
“Ooh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. How d’you know I haven’t switched it for a banana again?” He grins and just waits for the penny to drop.
Slowly, Jack’s hand falls to his side. “Doctor?”
“That’s me!” He grins broadly. “Knew you’d catch on. Always were clever, weren’t you?”
“You regenerated?” The shock and alarm on Jack’s face as he stares in the direction of the TARDIS the other him is still waiting inside is quite gratifying, really. Especially considering the way his former self’s just spoken to the man.
“Oh, not yet.” Seeking only to reassure now, he smiles. “The me you’re travelling with is still back in the TARDIS, mucking about under the console and cursing you for taking so long with the spare parts. Don’t know how you put up with me, really.”
“Oh, it has its compensations.” A slow smile spreads across Jack’s lips, before he frowns again. “Doctor, crossing your timeline? Not the best of ideas, surely?”
“I know what I’m doing. Haven’t I told you that often enough?” There’s irritation in his voice, and he knows it’s because Jack’s actually right. He shouldn’t be doing this. But he is. He’s here. Talking to a man he left behind two days ago.
“Okay, okay. So, you’ve regenerated. Like the new you. Love the hair, actually.” Jack gives him an appraising once-over. “Course, the current you’s got his own attractions. But... oh, yeah, I’m gonna like this you.”
Oh, Jack...
“We need to talk,” he says abruptly, starting to walk. “Not here. I can’t risk Rose or me seeing me here.”
Jack shrugs and follows him. “Still don’t think this is the best of ideas, Doctor. You’re gonna tell me something to do with my future, right?” His voice hardens. “Warning me that I’m gonna die? Is that it? If it is, not another word, Doctor!”
He flinches. “I know better than that.” His tone turns harsh. “And you know me better than that, too, Jack.”
After a moment, Jack relaxes. “Okay. So what’s this about?”
He turns into the alley where his TARDIS is waiting. And, for a moment, the temptation’s there to bring Jack with him. Get him inside and just take off. Resume his current timeline with Jack in tow. Go back for Rose - she’ll never know any different.
But it’s impossible. He doesn’t even need a second’s contemplation to tell him that. Without Jack in Cardiff, who knows what might have happened? Without Jack on the Game Station, could he have rescued Rose? Would he have had even a chance of defeating the Daleks, or of holding off long enough for Rose, made all-powerful by the Time Vortex, to come to his rescue?
He can’t do it.
Hand massaging the back of his neck again, he begins to explain. “Some time in your future, Jack - and I can’t tell you when - you’re going to think I’ve betrayed you. I can’t tell you how. I can’t,” he says quickly as Jack’s about to speak. “I’m risking enough just telling you this. But I can’t have you thinking that I meant it - what’s going to happen.”
“And why would I think you meant it?” Jack, eyes narrowed, drawls the question.
“I can’t tell you that. You’ll have grounds. That’s all I can say. I shouldn’t even be telling you this much, except that I can’t - ” He spins away, needing to catch his breath for a moment. The memory of what he did, taking the TARDIS away with Jack alive outside, just resurrected from dying for his friends, for his planet, and with no idea why he’s alive, standing watching the ship that was his home for the past three months vanishing before his eyes...
He had no choice. Not if he was to get Rose inside the TARDIS, into his ship’s temporal grace. Not if he was to take them safely into the Vortex before he regenerated. And because of what he’d already seen when he took the Time Vortex from Rose.
He turns back and holds Jack’s gaze. “I can’t let you think I’d do it deliberately. I didn’t have a choice. Some day I hope I’ll even be able to explain that to you. Just not yet.”
The wary, mistrustful look disappears from Jack’s face. “Somehow, I can’t see you betraying me, Doctor. I know you. Yeah, you make mistakes, but you don’t let down the people you care about if there’s anything you can do to help it.”
Oh, how little Jack does know him, really.
“Not this time,” he says softly. “Remember that, Jack. And now I must go.”
Jack nods. “I’ll see you again, then, Doctor. In my future, right?”
He can’t answer that one. Because, yes, he probably will see Jack again at some point. He knows that possibility is there in the timeline somewhere, but if it happens it’ll be a long time away in Jack’s life. Not so long in his own, he thinks, though that’s far from clear.
Instead, he takes the couple of steps that bring him closer to Jack and, without a word, wraps his arms around the younger man, bringing him into an embrace that, for Jack, is their first. For him, of course, it’s not.
Jack hugs him back, then gives him a quizzical look. “Whatever this is, it sounds bad.”
He frowns. “I’ve already said more than I should. Now, you’d better get that part back before I come out looking for you.”
And Jack, the seasoned time-traveller, nods. He understands the dangers here, of course. “Take care, Doctor,” he says with a light smile, then turns and strides away.
Striding into his future, into Cardiff and the Rift and near-death at the hands of Blon Slitheen; into danger in thirteenth-century Japan, and then real, but not permanent, death at the hands of a Dalek. And then abandonment by the friends he loved.
An uncertain future then, but at least not without knowing his friends didn’t desert him because he wasn’t wanted.
It’s not enough. But, since he can’t change history, can’t undo what’s been done, what has to be allowed to play out, it has to do.
Some regrets he just has to live with.
He turns and walks back to his own TARDIS. Back to London and the Powell Estates, and Rose.
Some day, some time in his future, he’ll stumble upon Captain Jack Harkness again, and he’ll know then if his intervention today did any good. Or, perhaps, it’ll turn out that this was a mistake after all. If so, it’s just one more to chalk up on the very long list of mistakes he’s made throughout his lives.
What’s one more mistake from a man who’s made more of them than anyone has a right to?
For a long moment, he stands gazing down at the console, seeing instead a man in white T-shirt and leather vest standing alone on a deserted platform, watching his home disappear right in front of him.
And then he blinks and the image disappears. A flick of a switch, and the TARDIS engines start. Time to go.
***
He slides to the floor as his legs give way, one hand still reaching out for the blue box that was there just a couple of minutes ago and that faded away right in front of his eyes.
He’s gone. The Doctor’s gone, leaving him here. Alone. Abandoned. The only person alive on this goddamned satellite, he thinks.
Why? Does the Doctor think he’s dead too?
But why wouldn’t he at least check for a body? Isn’t he worth enough for the Doctor to retrieve his body, at least?
Never doubted him. Never will.
He was a fool, wasn’t he? A complete sucker.
What was he? Convenient cannon fodder? Useful to have around for a while, but never the friend he thought he was?
He takes shallow breaths around the ache in his chest. God, being resurrected after a Dalek death-ray’s not exactly painless.
And a memory comes to him. A recent memory. A tall, thin man with untidy mid-brown hair and sad eyes.
Some time in your future, Jack, you’re going to think I’ve betrayed you.
This is it. This has to be it.
What else could it be? What greater betrayal than to be sent to his death, resurrected and then left behind alone in this place without even an explanation?
I can’t let you think I’d do it deliberately. I didn’t have a choice. Some day I hope I’ll even be able to explain that to you.
Some day.
And it was pretty clear that the Doctor he met hadn’t been able to do that yet. Didn’t expect to be able to do it for some time - if at all.
That’s why the Doctor crossed his own timeline to deliver that warning. To make his apology in advance. An apology he tacitly accepted, while having no idea what it referred to. Well, he knows now, for all the good it’s doing him in this situation. And, yes, maybe he does believe that the Doctor meant it. That he had no choice.
Some day, maybe, he’ll get an explanation. But some day might be a long time coming. Yeah, maybe the Doctor will catch up with him one of these days, but he’s not going to sit around and wait for it to happen. Not going to build his life around it.
Which means it’s Captain Jack Harkness versus the universe once more. Well, he’s been there before. And he rates his chances pretty highly.
With one last glance at the spot where the TARDIS stood, he picks himself up off the floor. He has a life to get on with, a second chance at life, in fact, and it starts right here. Right now.
Fate, the Doctor or the universe has given him a fresh start. For whatever it’s worth, he owes it to them - or to himself - to make the most of it. No regrets this time. No mistakes, no stupid cons. A life he can be proud of, whether it’s one year or twenty more.
Time to find a way off this satellite. He turns away from where the TARDIS stood and heads for the comms panel. He doesn’t look back.
END
Sorry for any weird formatting you may have seen - had HTML issues with LJ's rich text mode :P