Fic: Journey Onward 1/6?
Story: Journey Onward
Author: wmr wendymr
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Jack Harkness; also Mickey Smith, Martha Jones, Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper
Rated: PG13
Spoilers: Anything up to Journey's End, with perhaps a couple of non-spoilery references to The Next Doctor
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the BBC; if they're unrecognisable, blame me.
Summary: Sometimes the hardest journeys to make are the familiar ones.
With many thanks to the long-suffering and brilliant dark_aegis for her help with this fic.
Journey Onward
Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves
- Carol Lynn Pearson, writer.
Chapter 1: Confronting the Dragon
The first time he visits, it’s after two weeks of fighting with himself.
It’s easy to find his way inside the Hub, given he’s still got the coordinates of Jack’s Vortex manipulator stored in the TARDIS controls. Getting past the complex-for-their-time security system is even easier; Jack’s biodata, also long stored in the databanks, takes care of that.
He recognises Gwen immediately when he steps outside. She’s staring at the TARDIS, but then she blinks and greets him by name. He nods in response. “Nice to meet you face to face, Gwen.”
“Likewise, I’m sure.” Businesslike suddenly, she adds, “You’re looking for Jack?”
“Yeah. Yeah, if that’s all right.”
As he’s escorted through the Hub, he notices a couple of other people moving about, getting on with some tasks or other. They’re both familiar, one more so than he expected. He says nothing, just lets Gwen show him into Jack’s office.
The man himself is standing, and he stumbles backwards when he sees them in the doorway. “Doctor! I didn’t expect to see you here! Never even heard the TARDIS arriving.”
“Silent mode.” He says nothing more until Jack’s waved Gwen away and he’s heard the door close behind her.
“You stole Martha away from UNIT? Jack, how-”
“Could I? Easy. I just offered her a job. She accepted. And don’t look at me that way, Doctor. I don’t like what UNIT was doing to her. Some of the orders she was given during the Dalek crisis were at least suspect, and you know it. Did you know they made her use a teleport machine that hadn’t even been tested? She could have been reduced to atoms!”
He blanches. No, he didn’t know that. But still... “Jack, she was doing good work at UNIT.”
“And she’s doing good work here. I lost my medic. Didn’t know that, did you? He was killed saving half the planet from a nuclear meltdown. Lost another of my team in the same incident. One time when we could have used your help.” Jack turns towards the credenza in the corner of his office and starts to straighten some folders on the shelf.
He sighs. “I’m sorry.” But it’s not his fault, is it? Why do they all want a piece of him? He can’t be everywhere at once, can he? Though it’s not as if he doesn’t owe it to Jack. Or to Martha, or Sarah-Jane. “Sorry I wasn’t here.”
Jack turns back, his lips in a crooked grimace. “Not your fault. Anyway, Martha knew Owen. She offered to resign from UNIT as soon as I told her what happened to him. She’s closer to her fiancé here too than she was in New York, and that makes her happy.”
He knows the answer to the next question already, even though he hasn’t seen the other man yet. “You gave Mickey a job too?”
“Well, someone had to! What was the guy expected to do? He was officially dead over here, no ID, no records, no CV, no recent employers. We’ve already sorted the identity stuff, but anything else would be complicated. And he knows what he’s doing. He’s not the idiot you used to call him.”
“I know that.” He tries to keep the huffiness out of his voice, but doesn’t really succeed. “It’s been a long time since I called him that and meant it. And he knows that, by the way.”
“Okay, okay.” Jack subsides, dropping into the chair behind his desk. “I don’t know why I’m arguing with you, anyway. It’s not like I want to.”
He slumps into the guest chair. “Suppose I started it, really.”
Jack waves a hand. “Forget it. It really is good to see you, Doctor. Never thought I’d actually get you inside Torchwood. Curiosity get the better of you at last?”
He shrugs. “Something like that.”
Jack’s gaze is keen. “Or you needed a friend?”
A friend. Yes. Actually, more than one. All of them: Donna, Jack, Rose, Martha, Sarah, Mickey, even Jackie. Many more, too, that he’s seen come and gone over the centuries. It gets so tiring, losing people.
So many times in the last couple of weeks, his mind’s flashed back to that last moment he was really, truly happy. Piloting the TARDIS as she should be flown, all of them around him and helping. The sound of laughter filling the console-room, and hugs, so many hugs, when they brought the Earth safely back home.
Yes, that is what he’s come for. Mostly. But admitting that to Jack’s a different thing entirely.
“Nah! I’m all right! Course I am! No, just thought I should drop in, see how you’re all doing. See inside this place you’re so proud of at last. And...” he adds slowly - this does need saying - “there’s something I need to do. Well, undo, really. Give me your wrist, Jack.”
Jack blinks, but leans forward and extends his arm across his desk. Of course he’s clever enough to know which arm.
He leans forward, sonic screwdriver in hand, and fiddles with the Vortex manipulator again. “Shouldn’t have disabled this. It’s like telling you I don’t trust you, and after all this time... Well. Fixed now.”
“Doctor.” He jerks his gaze up, to see Jack’s face a mere couple of feet from his, his old friend’s eyes looking slightly moist. “I didn’t expect that. Thank you.”
Just how badly has he treated this man if Jack is actually thanking him for trusting him? Or for giving him back equipment that, actually, he has a perfect right to have and to use, since it’s Time Agency-issue and Jack was a bona fide Time Agent?
He shrugs. “Just try not to use it other than for emergencies.”
“Hey, now, don’t spoil it, Doc. You just said you trusted me.”
He leans back. “Yeah, all right.”
Silence falls between them, and he’s in no hurry to break it. Now that he’s here, it’s much more difficult to broach what’s on his mind than he thought it’d be. Jack, of course, isn’t one to push for information if it’s not something that directly concerns him; he knows all about secrets, he does.
Finally, Jack says, “You sent Rose back to the parallel world? Let me guess. The other you went with her?”
“How did you-” he begins, but breaks off. It really doesn’t matter how, does it?
“Not hard to guess. If she was still with you, she’d have come to see me too. We didn’t really get much of a chance to talk in the midst of it all,” Jack says, a wistful expression on his face. “Too much going on, too many people around.”
Right, and he should have realised that. Should have engineered ten minutes alone for the two of them - except, of course, that’s something he was avoiding, isn’t it? He never did tell Rose what she did to Jack, and he certainly never let her know what he did; that he ran away.
“Sorry,” he says.
Jack shrugs. “It’s okay. Would’ve been nice, that’s all. Chance to catch up, you know.” The younger man leans back. “So, they’re together, and you gave her up again.”
“Well...” He struggles for the appropriate light tone of voice. “It made sense. He couldn’t stay here. Can’t have two of me. Far too confusing. And he’s half-human. Only one heart. He’ll grow old. They’ll grow old together. That’s something I could never...” Never give her. Or anyone else, of course.
Jack’s laugh is bitter. “Sounds pretty familiar.”
“Yeah.” He can’t meet Jack’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault. And I really do mean that,” Jack says with emphasis. “But, hey, if you want to do something for me, just keep showing up every so often, all right? Then at least I won’t feel like everyone I know keeps dying on me.”
He could probably manage to do that. Before he can say so, Jack’s speaking again. “Where’s Donna, Doctor? She’s gone too, isn’t she?”
Too perceptive by far, the Captain. And yet this is also why he’s come. “I need a favour, Jack.”
“Name it and it’s done.” The response is instant. He really doesn’t deserve this level of loyalty.
“It’s Donna,” he admits. “She’s had to... forget. Forget everything, really. Everything about me, and the TARDIS, and saving the universe... Thing is, Jack, I need you to put the word out, make sure no-one contacts her, or even lets her know that they know who she is.”
He gets one slow nod. “Consider it done.”
That’s it; he’s done what he came for. He’s about to get up and leave, but Jack speaks again. “Let me guess. Human brain couldn’t handle all that Time Lord knowledge?”
He really shouldn’t be surprised. Donna might have had Time Lord intelligence for a while, but other than her and Romana Jack’s by far the most knowledgeable and sharp-witted person he’s ever travelled with.
“I had to take it away,” he confirms.
“You made her forget? And you removed everything? All her memories of you? Of everything she did?” Jack’s on his feet suddenly. “God, Doctor, how could you do that?”
“I didn’t have a choice.” He’s standing too, hands in his pocket, feeling on the defensive and hating it.
“There’s always a choice.” Jack runs a shaky hand through his hair. “I should know. Made the wrong one a few times too often myself. Doctor, being with you was the best thing that ever happened to her! And you took that away from her.”
His eyes widen suddenly. “How do you know that? You barely spoke to her!”
“Martha did, though,” Jack points out. “They did a lot of talking after they met during the Sontaran thing. I was curious. I asked.”
He nods. Yes, it makes sense. He should stop imagining that his companions, or ex-companions, never talk to each other. So many more of them know each other now, which is a good thing when he needs their help, of course, but right now he’s not so sure it’s for the best.
“Doctor, tell me you didn’t just wipe her mind and dump her back home?”
“And if I did?” Anger floods him. “Is it any worse than what you do, Jack? You use Retcon, don’t you? How many times have you stolen people’s memories? How many of your ex-employees are missing years of their lives? The best part of their lives, perhaps, where they fulfilled so much potential? Don’t you dare lecture me, Captain!”
“I only do it unless I have no other choice!” Jack’s words emerge through gritted teeth. “With my history, you should know that. You can’t tell me there wasn’t another way, Doctor.”
“Do you think I didn’t try to think of an alternative?” He’s shouting now, and he drags his voice under control. This isn’t something he wants Jack’s team to hear - it’s not even something he wants to discuss with Jack, but Jack’s forced the issue. “It was killing her. She was on the verge of a neuron implosion. My brain’s built to handle that, though it’s still not easy. Her brain’s human. It would’ve imploded under the pressure. So tell me, if you’re so clever, what would you have done?”
Jack exhales long and hard. “Why did you have to take her memories? Why couldn’t you just take away the bits of you lodged in her head? The Time Lord intelligence?”
“Different process,” he says curtly. “I couldn’t, not with just seconds to save her life. I locked all the memories away. The knowledge is all still there, inside her head. If she remembers, it’ll kill her.”
Jack nods. “Can’t exactly say I’m familiar with how your psychic tricks work, Doctor. Guess I just have to take your word for it. But tell me one thing.”
“What?”
“You gave her a choice, right? You didn’t just do it?”
He doesn’t answer. Jack’s not going to understand.
How could he give Donna a choice? She wasn’t in any state to understand. Oh, she knew what was happening to her - Time Lord brain, of course she did - but it was getting all mixed up with her human emotions. She wanted to stay with him for ever, she told him. Oh, so human, that is. So like Rose, too. Neither of them had the faintest understanding of what they were promising, and neither of them could have kept that promise.
It was for Donna’s own good. He had to do it.
A loud crash jolts him back to his surroundings. Jack’s just brought his fist down on his desk. “Damnit, Doctor! You didn’t give her a choice, did you?”
He tilts his chin and looks away. Of course Jack doesn’t understand.
“You really believe that we don’t have the intelligence to make choices for ourselves, don’t you? Stupid apes, the last you called us. Looks like you still believe that, too. How many times have you sent Rose away now without asking her what she wants? You ran out on me instead of explaining and letting me make my own choice. And now you’ve brutalised Donna without her consent. Far as I’m concerned, that makes you no better than some of the creatures we’ve fought together. And, you know, you make a big deal out of giving them a choice - why do they deserve it when your closest friends don’t?”
The contempt in Jack’s voice is unexpected. They’ve argued before, the two of them, of course, but this is different. Jack’s always had respect for him. But not now.
It’s the absence of that respect that stings most. If it was anyone other than Jack, he’d already be gone. It’s not as if he owes anyone any explanations, and particularly not Jack, who’s made choices he disapproves of and whose way of fighting battles isn’t his own.
But still...
“How could I give her a choice? She was dying. Any second, her neurons would have shattered. She could barely speak. When you have a split second to save someone, do you wait around for their permission?”
“And Rose?” Jack counters. “Did she get a choice?”
No, because he knew what that choice would be. So impulsive, Rose. Always leaping into decisions without thinking through the consequences. Flying back to Satellite Five to save him without planning how she’d do it. Coming back to him in Canary Wharf even though his sending her away with her family was the sensible thing, and the right thing for her. And then fighting her way across universes to get back to him, even if it might have been better for both of them if she hadn’t - much as it’d warmed his hearts to see her again.
If he’d laid out the choice between himself and his twin, she’d have laughed and told him not to be so stupid. Even if he’d made clear, blunt as he’d never been with her before, that any kind of romantic relationship between them was impossible no matter how much he cared for her, she’d have told him that didn’t matter, that all she needed was to be with him. And, of course, she’d have secretly hoped that he’d change his mind.
She’d never have given his twin a second look with him around, despite the fact that the other him has all the same memories, is the same man in every way except a bit of biology. A biological difference that makes him able to be what Rose has always wanted from him, because he can actually live a life alongside her; a real, human, growing-old-together kind of life.
With him out of the way, he knows she’ll realise what she’s got, what he’s given her. She’ll remember him as the man who couldn’t tell her what she needed to hear, and she’ll be happy with what she has. Far happier than she would’ve been with him. She’d never have done that if he’d given her a choice, as Jack naively thinks he should have.
And it’s not as bad as Jack imagines. He did slip his twin a piece of coral before they left the TARDIS, after all. It’ll take a while to grow, but they’ll get to travel once again, the two of them. For someone who wasn’t given a choice, Rose will have pretty much everything she ever wanted.
He turns towards the door. “Do what I asked about Donna, Jack. That’s all.”
“Go on,” Jack says, the contempt even harsher now. “Run away, like you always do. Like the coward you are, Doctor.”
His previous self would have agreed with Jack. This him’s not so self-deprecating. “Thank you, Jack. Good to know what you really think.” He’s tempted to disable Jack’s teleport again before he goes, but he’s not that petty.
“Oh, I haven’t even started to tell you what I really think.” Jack’s beside him now, his hand pressing against the door to prevent him opening it. “If I was to do that, we’d be here half the night.”
“Don’t start-” he begins, but it’s too late.
“You know, sometimes I think you actually enjoy it, Doctor. All that lonely, last-of-your-kind emo. You’ve got so many people who love you, and you push us all away, every time.”
“I don’t-” he tries to protest, stung again.
“You do. Come on, Doctor, you were there in the TARDIS with all of us when we flew her together.” Jack’s voice is softer now, the contempt gone. “That was the happiest I’ve ever seen you, and we had some good times back in the old days when it was you and Rose and me travelling together. You had all your friends around you, and you were happy. And then what? You pushed us all away again.”
“You went home.” He bites out the words. “All of you, you went back to your normal lives and your families and your teams. Don’t say it was me, because that’s exactly how it was.”
“And did you invite even one of us to stay?” Suddenly, Jack’s in his personal space, his face very close. “No, you just took us back, one by one. Even Rose. And you know she would have stayed.”
“She’d have died on the TARDIS if I’d let her,” he spits out. “That what you want, Jack? To see her throwing her life away like that? When I’d never have given her what she really wants anyway?”
Though he’s not that much of a martyr. If his twin hadn’t existed, he’d have kept Rose with him, no matter how bad for both of them it would have been. Still. His twin was there, and that made it very simple. Very, very simple.
“Come off it,” Jack snaps. “Don’t give me all that asexual stuff. You’re not - you can’t fool me, even if you could Rose. And Time Lords never were, either. The Master proved that, even if I didn’t already know it.”
“Ever consider that it’s less about biological urges and more about doing the right thing?” He whirls, moving to Jack’s desk, putting some distance between them. “She was nineteen when I met her. I’m more than nine hundred years old. I might not look it, but you know how that feels. And I’m dangerous to be with. Yes, I wanted her with me, just like I want all my companions to stay. I don’t throw you away willingly. If someone leaves, it’s because they want to or circumstances get in the way.”
Jack just raises one eyebrow. “I see. So Satellite Five was a circumstance?”
He’s not going to go there. They’ve had this one out before, several times during the Year that Never Was, too, and agreed to let it be. “It’s nothing to do with biological urges, or the lack of them. When they’re with me, when we’re travelling, I’m in a position of trust, Jack. I can’t abuse that. It would be too manipulative.” He tilts his chin up so that he’s looking down at Jack. “And you should understand that.”
“God, that’s such bullshit!” Jack exclaims. “It’s not manipulative if both of you know what you’re doing and you both want it. Though, yeah, I think you were right not to sleep with Rose. She loved you too much. It could’ve destroyed her, cause you were too damn scared to give her what she wanted.”
“That’s enough.” He bites out the words. This is none of Jack’s business and it’s gone way too far. “Out of the way, Jack. I’m leaving.”
“See, there you go again. Just like I said. Running away. We’re not the ones who leave you, Doctor.”
“I asked you to come with me last year. You said no. Martha left of her own accord. I asked Sarah-Jane and she said no. You really think you’re not the ones who leave?”
“But it’s always on your terms. That’s part of the problem.” Jack’s leaning against the door now; he’s trapped. “Yeah, we’ve all got lives here. Things we have to do, people who need us. I can’t just walk away and be a full-time passenger on the TARDIS again - and if I ever did, I wouldn’t want to be just a passenger anyway. I’m not the man I was then. But...” His voice drops until it’s little more than a whisper. “I’d give my right arm for the chance to fly with you even once in a while.”
Jack really feels like that? He had no idea. “Once in a while. Hardly a commitment, is it?”
“That’s exactly what I mean. It’s all or nothing with you. Give it all up and come with you, or never see you again unless it’s by accident or emergency. Doctor, we were all talking about it on the way back in the TARDIS. You’ve got so many of us who care about you and consider you a friend. Yeah, we’ve got lives, but you’re welcome in them any time you want. Drop in for dinner. Come and stay a few days. Invite us for just one trip. Be a part of our lives.”
He swallows, looks down at his shoes, then tugs at his hair, anger completely forgotten. “I... don’t know how to.”
Jack straightens, walks towards him and lays a hand on his shoulder. “Then let me show you.”
***
How to, it seems, is eating Chinese takeaway with the Torchwood team in Jack’s conference room.
“You can’t leave without saying hi to Martha and Mickey, and it’s about time you met Ianto and Gwen properly. And don’t give me any of your I don’t do that crap. Mickey told me all about you having Christmas dinner at Jackie’s place after you regenerated.”
Part of him would rather go off and do battle with a Pyrovile, but another part of him’s aching to feel part of something once again, to belong. Slowly, he lets out a breath and acquiesces. “Hold on, though,” he adds as a thought occurs. “You better tell me, before I put my foot in it. Which of them - or should it be how many - are you shagging?”
Jack quirks one eyebrow, a wicked grin on his lips. “What do you think?”
He stares. “Not Martha. It better not be Martha.”
“Ooh, still so protective, Doctor! I told you, she’s engaged. I might be a slut, but I do have some standards. And Gwen’s married. Mickey’s so not interested. Shame, that.” He winks. “And I know it’s not that he doesn’t swing that way. Jackie told me he had a boyfriend in the parallel universe, but the guy got himself killed.”
“Thanks, I really wanted to think about Mickey Smith’s sex life.” He pretends to shudder, but at the same time winces inwardly. Jake, maybe? So that’s why the only remaining member of the original Preachers didn’t make it through to help. “So, Ianto it is, then?”
Jack grins. “Ianto it is. Oh, it’s not epic romance or anything like that,” he adds, leading the way down the stairs. “Neither of us are into that - and anyway, he’s still grieving for his last girlfriend. Died at Canary Wharf,” he comments.
“Ouch,” the Doctor murmurs.
“Yeah.”
Dinner is actually fun. Though that really shouldn’t have been a surprise, given he already knows and likes three of the people around the table, and the other two are Jack’s friends so there’s every reason to like them too. What is difficult is seeing Mickey and being reminded of Rose - and even Jackie; and seeing Martha and remembering Donna.
Jack, more diplomatic than he remembers the bloke being, though probably less discreet than he imagines, takes everyone aside one by one; telling them, the Doctor guesses, not to mention Donna. And nobody does. Still doesn’t stop him being aware of who’s missing; who’ll never be here ever again.
Leaning closer to him and tapping their glasses together, Jack murmurs softly, “To absent friends.”
“Yeah,” he agrees, equally quietly. “Absent friends.”
Later, the others discreetly disappear and Jack walks with him back to the TARDIS - though he has no doubt that Ianto, at least, will be waiting for his lover to return.
It’s not a question he even wants to ask, because of all it implies - including the admission that there’s something Jack knows more about than he does - but in the end he can’t help it. “How do you do it, Jack? All those people - they’re there, all brilliant and amazing, and then they’re gone in the blink of an eye. How can you let yourself get so attached?”
“How can I not? You said it. They’re brilliant and amazing - and pretty hot too, don’t you think?” Jack grins. “But come on. You can’t tell me you don’t get attached too. I’ve seen it, and I don’t just mean with Rose. I saw your face after you said goodbye to Sarah-Jane, for one thing.”
“But you said it, Jack. I don’t stay around. You do.”
Jack shrugs. “Have I had a choice? And, no, that’s not a dig. Thing is, Doctor, I’ve learned that’s what life’s all about. Taking risks. Caring about people. Losing them, yeah, but you’ve still got all those great memories. And more people to come along and build new memories with.”
They’ve come to a halt by the TARDIS door. He just nods, then takes a deep breath. Time to say goodbye again.
“Doctor.” Jack’s giving him one of his serious looks. “Do something for me. No, two things.”
“What?” he asks, and immediately he’s struck by the contrast. Earlier, he asked Jack for a favour, and Jack instantly agreed without even knowing what it was.
“Don’t be a stranger - to me or to any of your friends. Come visit. Have dinner, kick back and relax. Tell us what’s going on in your life, even ask us for help once in a while. All right?”
He smiles faintly. “You couldn’t ask me to do something easy, like changing the Earth's gravitational constant?” Jack doesn’t smile in return. He sighs, then nods. “I’ll try.”
“Do. And second, find someone,” Jack insists. “You shouldn’t be alone.”
Find someone. Right.
It won’t be hard; of course it won’t. But the last three long-term companions he’s had have all, one way or another, ended in disaster. He thought it was going to be better with Donna, but of course it didn’t turn out that way. Why should he expect anything else?
But Jack’s not going to be happy until he gets the answer he wants. So he nods again. “I will.”
“Good.” Jack’s heels snap together, and he salutes. “Take care, Doctor.”
“No saluting, please.” The order’s sharper than he intends, and Jack blinks, lowering his arm. “You’re my friend, not my subordinate.”
Jack raises an eyebrow and he knows, whatever the Captain says next, it’s going to be a challenge. “So how do you say goodbye to your friends, then?”
Yes, it’s a challenge, all right. But not one he’s got a problem with. “Like this.” He holds out his arms, inviting Jack in for a hug. It’s deliberately the same as he hugged Martha ten minutes earlier, or Sarah-Jane a couple of weeks ago; Jack means as much to him as the two of them, after all, and he reckons he owes it to the bloke.
Two minutes later, when he closes the TARDIS door behind him, the silence in the cavernous room feels even louder than before.
***
tbc
Author: wmr wendymr
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Jack Harkness; also Mickey Smith, Martha Jones, Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper
Rated: PG13
Spoilers: Anything up to Journey's End, with perhaps a couple of non-spoilery references to The Next Doctor
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to the BBC; if they're unrecognisable, blame me.
Summary: Sometimes the hardest journeys to make are the familiar ones.
With many thanks to the long-suffering and brilliant dark_aegis for her help with this fic.
Journey Onward
Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves
- Carol Lynn Pearson, writer.
Chapter 1: Confronting the Dragon
The first time he visits, it’s after two weeks of fighting with himself.
It’s easy to find his way inside the Hub, given he’s still got the coordinates of Jack’s Vortex manipulator stored in the TARDIS controls. Getting past the complex-for-their-time security system is even easier; Jack’s biodata, also long stored in the databanks, takes care of that.
He recognises Gwen immediately when he steps outside. She’s staring at the TARDIS, but then she blinks and greets him by name. He nods in response. “Nice to meet you face to face, Gwen.”
“Likewise, I’m sure.” Businesslike suddenly, she adds, “You’re looking for Jack?”
“Yeah. Yeah, if that’s all right.”
As he’s escorted through the Hub, he notices a couple of other people moving about, getting on with some tasks or other. They’re both familiar, one more so than he expected. He says nothing, just lets Gwen show him into Jack’s office.
The man himself is standing, and he stumbles backwards when he sees them in the doorway. “Doctor! I didn’t expect to see you here! Never even heard the TARDIS arriving.”
“Silent mode.” He says nothing more until Jack’s waved Gwen away and he’s heard the door close behind her.
“You stole Martha away from UNIT? Jack, how-”
“Could I? Easy. I just offered her a job. She accepted. And don’t look at me that way, Doctor. I don’t like what UNIT was doing to her. Some of the orders she was given during the Dalek crisis were at least suspect, and you know it. Did you know they made her use a teleport machine that hadn’t even been tested? She could have been reduced to atoms!”
He blanches. No, he didn’t know that. But still... “Jack, she was doing good work at UNIT.”
“And she’s doing good work here. I lost my medic. Didn’t know that, did you? He was killed saving half the planet from a nuclear meltdown. Lost another of my team in the same incident. One time when we could have used your help.” Jack turns towards the credenza in the corner of his office and starts to straighten some folders on the shelf.
He sighs. “I’m sorry.” But it’s not his fault, is it? Why do they all want a piece of him? He can’t be everywhere at once, can he? Though it’s not as if he doesn’t owe it to Jack. Or to Martha, or Sarah-Jane. “Sorry I wasn’t here.”
Jack turns back, his lips in a crooked grimace. “Not your fault. Anyway, Martha knew Owen. She offered to resign from UNIT as soon as I told her what happened to him. She’s closer to her fiancé here too than she was in New York, and that makes her happy.”
He knows the answer to the next question already, even though he hasn’t seen the other man yet. “You gave Mickey a job too?”
“Well, someone had to! What was the guy expected to do? He was officially dead over here, no ID, no records, no CV, no recent employers. We’ve already sorted the identity stuff, but anything else would be complicated. And he knows what he’s doing. He’s not the idiot you used to call him.”
“I know that.” He tries to keep the huffiness out of his voice, but doesn’t really succeed. “It’s been a long time since I called him that and meant it. And he knows that, by the way.”
“Okay, okay.” Jack subsides, dropping into the chair behind his desk. “I don’t know why I’m arguing with you, anyway. It’s not like I want to.”
He slumps into the guest chair. “Suppose I started it, really.”
Jack waves a hand. “Forget it. It really is good to see you, Doctor. Never thought I’d actually get you inside Torchwood. Curiosity get the better of you at last?”
He shrugs. “Something like that.”
Jack’s gaze is keen. “Or you needed a friend?”
A friend. Yes. Actually, more than one. All of them: Donna, Jack, Rose, Martha, Sarah, Mickey, even Jackie. Many more, too, that he’s seen come and gone over the centuries. It gets so tiring, losing people.
So many times in the last couple of weeks, his mind’s flashed back to that last moment he was really, truly happy. Piloting the TARDIS as she should be flown, all of them around him and helping. The sound of laughter filling the console-room, and hugs, so many hugs, when they brought the Earth safely back home.
Yes, that is what he’s come for. Mostly. But admitting that to Jack’s a different thing entirely.
“Nah! I’m all right! Course I am! No, just thought I should drop in, see how you’re all doing. See inside this place you’re so proud of at last. And...” he adds slowly - this does need saying - “there’s something I need to do. Well, undo, really. Give me your wrist, Jack.”
Jack blinks, but leans forward and extends his arm across his desk. Of course he’s clever enough to know which arm.
He leans forward, sonic screwdriver in hand, and fiddles with the Vortex manipulator again. “Shouldn’t have disabled this. It’s like telling you I don’t trust you, and after all this time... Well. Fixed now.”
“Doctor.” He jerks his gaze up, to see Jack’s face a mere couple of feet from his, his old friend’s eyes looking slightly moist. “I didn’t expect that. Thank you.”
Just how badly has he treated this man if Jack is actually thanking him for trusting him? Or for giving him back equipment that, actually, he has a perfect right to have and to use, since it’s Time Agency-issue and Jack was a bona fide Time Agent?
He shrugs. “Just try not to use it other than for emergencies.”
“Hey, now, don’t spoil it, Doc. You just said you trusted me.”
He leans back. “Yeah, all right.”
Silence falls between them, and he’s in no hurry to break it. Now that he’s here, it’s much more difficult to broach what’s on his mind than he thought it’d be. Jack, of course, isn’t one to push for information if it’s not something that directly concerns him; he knows all about secrets, he does.
Finally, Jack says, “You sent Rose back to the parallel world? Let me guess. The other you went with her?”
“How did you-” he begins, but breaks off. It really doesn’t matter how, does it?
“Not hard to guess. If she was still with you, she’d have come to see me too. We didn’t really get much of a chance to talk in the midst of it all,” Jack says, a wistful expression on his face. “Too much going on, too many people around.”
Right, and he should have realised that. Should have engineered ten minutes alone for the two of them - except, of course, that’s something he was avoiding, isn’t it? He never did tell Rose what she did to Jack, and he certainly never let her know what he did; that he ran away.
“Sorry,” he says.
Jack shrugs. “It’s okay. Would’ve been nice, that’s all. Chance to catch up, you know.” The younger man leans back. “So, they’re together, and you gave her up again.”
“Well...” He struggles for the appropriate light tone of voice. “It made sense. He couldn’t stay here. Can’t have two of me. Far too confusing. And he’s half-human. Only one heart. He’ll grow old. They’ll grow old together. That’s something I could never...” Never give her. Or anyone else, of course.
Jack’s laugh is bitter. “Sounds pretty familiar.”
“Yeah.” He can’t meet Jack’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault. And I really do mean that,” Jack says with emphasis. “But, hey, if you want to do something for me, just keep showing up every so often, all right? Then at least I won’t feel like everyone I know keeps dying on me.”
He could probably manage to do that. Before he can say so, Jack’s speaking again. “Where’s Donna, Doctor? She’s gone too, isn’t she?”
Too perceptive by far, the Captain. And yet this is also why he’s come. “I need a favour, Jack.”
“Name it and it’s done.” The response is instant. He really doesn’t deserve this level of loyalty.
“It’s Donna,” he admits. “She’s had to... forget. Forget everything, really. Everything about me, and the TARDIS, and saving the universe... Thing is, Jack, I need you to put the word out, make sure no-one contacts her, or even lets her know that they know who she is.”
He gets one slow nod. “Consider it done.”
That’s it; he’s done what he came for. He’s about to get up and leave, but Jack speaks again. “Let me guess. Human brain couldn’t handle all that Time Lord knowledge?”
He really shouldn’t be surprised. Donna might have had Time Lord intelligence for a while, but other than her and Romana Jack’s by far the most knowledgeable and sharp-witted person he’s ever travelled with.
“I had to take it away,” he confirms.
“You made her forget? And you removed everything? All her memories of you? Of everything she did?” Jack’s on his feet suddenly. “God, Doctor, how could you do that?”
“I didn’t have a choice.” He’s standing too, hands in his pocket, feeling on the defensive and hating it.
“There’s always a choice.” Jack runs a shaky hand through his hair. “I should know. Made the wrong one a few times too often myself. Doctor, being with you was the best thing that ever happened to her! And you took that away from her.”
His eyes widen suddenly. “How do you know that? You barely spoke to her!”
“Martha did, though,” Jack points out. “They did a lot of talking after they met during the Sontaran thing. I was curious. I asked.”
He nods. Yes, it makes sense. He should stop imagining that his companions, or ex-companions, never talk to each other. So many more of them know each other now, which is a good thing when he needs their help, of course, but right now he’s not so sure it’s for the best.
“Doctor, tell me you didn’t just wipe her mind and dump her back home?”
“And if I did?” Anger floods him. “Is it any worse than what you do, Jack? You use Retcon, don’t you? How many times have you stolen people’s memories? How many of your ex-employees are missing years of their lives? The best part of their lives, perhaps, where they fulfilled so much potential? Don’t you dare lecture me, Captain!”
“I only do it unless I have no other choice!” Jack’s words emerge through gritted teeth. “With my history, you should know that. You can’t tell me there wasn’t another way, Doctor.”
“Do you think I didn’t try to think of an alternative?” He’s shouting now, and he drags his voice under control. This isn’t something he wants Jack’s team to hear - it’s not even something he wants to discuss with Jack, but Jack’s forced the issue. “It was killing her. She was on the verge of a neuron implosion. My brain’s built to handle that, though it’s still not easy. Her brain’s human. It would’ve imploded under the pressure. So tell me, if you’re so clever, what would you have done?”
Jack exhales long and hard. “Why did you have to take her memories? Why couldn’t you just take away the bits of you lodged in her head? The Time Lord intelligence?”
“Different process,” he says curtly. “I couldn’t, not with just seconds to save her life. I locked all the memories away. The knowledge is all still there, inside her head. If she remembers, it’ll kill her.”
Jack nods. “Can’t exactly say I’m familiar with how your psychic tricks work, Doctor. Guess I just have to take your word for it. But tell me one thing.”
“What?”
“You gave her a choice, right? You didn’t just do it?”
He doesn’t answer. Jack’s not going to understand.
How could he give Donna a choice? She wasn’t in any state to understand. Oh, she knew what was happening to her - Time Lord brain, of course she did - but it was getting all mixed up with her human emotions. She wanted to stay with him for ever, she told him. Oh, so human, that is. So like Rose, too. Neither of them had the faintest understanding of what they were promising, and neither of them could have kept that promise.
It was for Donna’s own good. He had to do it.
A loud crash jolts him back to his surroundings. Jack’s just brought his fist down on his desk. “Damnit, Doctor! You didn’t give her a choice, did you?”
He tilts his chin and looks away. Of course Jack doesn’t understand.
“You really believe that we don’t have the intelligence to make choices for ourselves, don’t you? Stupid apes, the last you called us. Looks like you still believe that, too. How many times have you sent Rose away now without asking her what she wants? You ran out on me instead of explaining and letting me make my own choice. And now you’ve brutalised Donna without her consent. Far as I’m concerned, that makes you no better than some of the creatures we’ve fought together. And, you know, you make a big deal out of giving them a choice - why do they deserve it when your closest friends don’t?”
The contempt in Jack’s voice is unexpected. They’ve argued before, the two of them, of course, but this is different. Jack’s always had respect for him. But not now.
It’s the absence of that respect that stings most. If it was anyone other than Jack, he’d already be gone. It’s not as if he owes anyone any explanations, and particularly not Jack, who’s made choices he disapproves of and whose way of fighting battles isn’t his own.
But still...
“How could I give her a choice? She was dying. Any second, her neurons would have shattered. She could barely speak. When you have a split second to save someone, do you wait around for their permission?”
“And Rose?” Jack counters. “Did she get a choice?”
No, because he knew what that choice would be. So impulsive, Rose. Always leaping into decisions without thinking through the consequences. Flying back to Satellite Five to save him without planning how she’d do it. Coming back to him in Canary Wharf even though his sending her away with her family was the sensible thing, and the right thing for her. And then fighting her way across universes to get back to him, even if it might have been better for both of them if she hadn’t - much as it’d warmed his hearts to see her again.
If he’d laid out the choice between himself and his twin, she’d have laughed and told him not to be so stupid. Even if he’d made clear, blunt as he’d never been with her before, that any kind of romantic relationship between them was impossible no matter how much he cared for her, she’d have told him that didn’t matter, that all she needed was to be with him. And, of course, she’d have secretly hoped that he’d change his mind.
She’d never have given his twin a second look with him around, despite the fact that the other him has all the same memories, is the same man in every way except a bit of biology. A biological difference that makes him able to be what Rose has always wanted from him, because he can actually live a life alongside her; a real, human, growing-old-together kind of life.
With him out of the way, he knows she’ll realise what she’s got, what he’s given her. She’ll remember him as the man who couldn’t tell her what she needed to hear, and she’ll be happy with what she has. Far happier than she would’ve been with him. She’d never have done that if he’d given her a choice, as Jack naively thinks he should have.
And it’s not as bad as Jack imagines. He did slip his twin a piece of coral before they left the TARDIS, after all. It’ll take a while to grow, but they’ll get to travel once again, the two of them. For someone who wasn’t given a choice, Rose will have pretty much everything she ever wanted.
He turns towards the door. “Do what I asked about Donna, Jack. That’s all.”
“Go on,” Jack says, the contempt even harsher now. “Run away, like you always do. Like the coward you are, Doctor.”
His previous self would have agreed with Jack. This him’s not so self-deprecating. “Thank you, Jack. Good to know what you really think.” He’s tempted to disable Jack’s teleport again before he goes, but he’s not that petty.
“Oh, I haven’t even started to tell you what I really think.” Jack’s beside him now, his hand pressing against the door to prevent him opening it. “If I was to do that, we’d be here half the night.”
“Don’t start-” he begins, but it’s too late.
“You know, sometimes I think you actually enjoy it, Doctor. All that lonely, last-of-your-kind emo. You’ve got so many people who love you, and you push us all away, every time.”
“I don’t-” he tries to protest, stung again.
“You do. Come on, Doctor, you were there in the TARDIS with all of us when we flew her together.” Jack’s voice is softer now, the contempt gone. “That was the happiest I’ve ever seen you, and we had some good times back in the old days when it was you and Rose and me travelling together. You had all your friends around you, and you were happy. And then what? You pushed us all away again.”
“You went home.” He bites out the words. “All of you, you went back to your normal lives and your families and your teams. Don’t say it was me, because that’s exactly how it was.”
“And did you invite even one of us to stay?” Suddenly, Jack’s in his personal space, his face very close. “No, you just took us back, one by one. Even Rose. And you know she would have stayed.”
“She’d have died on the TARDIS if I’d let her,” he spits out. “That what you want, Jack? To see her throwing her life away like that? When I’d never have given her what she really wants anyway?”
Though he’s not that much of a martyr. If his twin hadn’t existed, he’d have kept Rose with him, no matter how bad for both of them it would have been. Still. His twin was there, and that made it very simple. Very, very simple.
“Come off it,” Jack snaps. “Don’t give me all that asexual stuff. You’re not - you can’t fool me, even if you could Rose. And Time Lords never were, either. The Master proved that, even if I didn’t already know it.”
“Ever consider that it’s less about biological urges and more about doing the right thing?” He whirls, moving to Jack’s desk, putting some distance between them. “She was nineteen when I met her. I’m more than nine hundred years old. I might not look it, but you know how that feels. And I’m dangerous to be with. Yes, I wanted her with me, just like I want all my companions to stay. I don’t throw you away willingly. If someone leaves, it’s because they want to or circumstances get in the way.”
Jack just raises one eyebrow. “I see. So Satellite Five was a circumstance?”
He’s not going to go there. They’ve had this one out before, several times during the Year that Never Was, too, and agreed to let it be. “It’s nothing to do with biological urges, or the lack of them. When they’re with me, when we’re travelling, I’m in a position of trust, Jack. I can’t abuse that. It would be too manipulative.” He tilts his chin up so that he’s looking down at Jack. “And you should understand that.”
“God, that’s such bullshit!” Jack exclaims. “It’s not manipulative if both of you know what you’re doing and you both want it. Though, yeah, I think you were right not to sleep with Rose. She loved you too much. It could’ve destroyed her, cause you were too damn scared to give her what she wanted.”
“That’s enough.” He bites out the words. This is none of Jack’s business and it’s gone way too far. “Out of the way, Jack. I’m leaving.”
“See, there you go again. Just like I said. Running away. We’re not the ones who leave you, Doctor.”
“I asked you to come with me last year. You said no. Martha left of her own accord. I asked Sarah-Jane and she said no. You really think you’re not the ones who leave?”
“But it’s always on your terms. That’s part of the problem.” Jack’s leaning against the door now; he’s trapped. “Yeah, we’ve all got lives here. Things we have to do, people who need us. I can’t just walk away and be a full-time passenger on the TARDIS again - and if I ever did, I wouldn’t want to be just a passenger anyway. I’m not the man I was then. But...” His voice drops until it’s little more than a whisper. “I’d give my right arm for the chance to fly with you even once in a while.”
Jack really feels like that? He had no idea. “Once in a while. Hardly a commitment, is it?”
“That’s exactly what I mean. It’s all or nothing with you. Give it all up and come with you, or never see you again unless it’s by accident or emergency. Doctor, we were all talking about it on the way back in the TARDIS. You’ve got so many of us who care about you and consider you a friend. Yeah, we’ve got lives, but you’re welcome in them any time you want. Drop in for dinner. Come and stay a few days. Invite us for just one trip. Be a part of our lives.”
He swallows, looks down at his shoes, then tugs at his hair, anger completely forgotten. “I... don’t know how to.”
Jack straightens, walks towards him and lays a hand on his shoulder. “Then let me show you.”
***
How to, it seems, is eating Chinese takeaway with the Torchwood team in Jack’s conference room.
“You can’t leave without saying hi to Martha and Mickey, and it’s about time you met Ianto and Gwen properly. And don’t give me any of your I don’t do that crap. Mickey told me all about you having Christmas dinner at Jackie’s place after you regenerated.”
Part of him would rather go off and do battle with a Pyrovile, but another part of him’s aching to feel part of something once again, to belong. Slowly, he lets out a breath and acquiesces. “Hold on, though,” he adds as a thought occurs. “You better tell me, before I put my foot in it. Which of them - or should it be how many - are you shagging?”
Jack quirks one eyebrow, a wicked grin on his lips. “What do you think?”
He stares. “Not Martha. It better not be Martha.”
“Ooh, still so protective, Doctor! I told you, she’s engaged. I might be a slut, but I do have some standards. And Gwen’s married. Mickey’s so not interested. Shame, that.” He winks. “And I know it’s not that he doesn’t swing that way. Jackie told me he had a boyfriend in the parallel universe, but the guy got himself killed.”
“Thanks, I really wanted to think about Mickey Smith’s sex life.” He pretends to shudder, but at the same time winces inwardly. Jake, maybe? So that’s why the only remaining member of the original Preachers didn’t make it through to help. “So, Ianto it is, then?”
Jack grins. “Ianto it is. Oh, it’s not epic romance or anything like that,” he adds, leading the way down the stairs. “Neither of us are into that - and anyway, he’s still grieving for his last girlfriend. Died at Canary Wharf,” he comments.
“Ouch,” the Doctor murmurs.
“Yeah.”
Dinner is actually fun. Though that really shouldn’t have been a surprise, given he already knows and likes three of the people around the table, and the other two are Jack’s friends so there’s every reason to like them too. What is difficult is seeing Mickey and being reminded of Rose - and even Jackie; and seeing Martha and remembering Donna.
Jack, more diplomatic than he remembers the bloke being, though probably less discreet than he imagines, takes everyone aside one by one; telling them, the Doctor guesses, not to mention Donna. And nobody does. Still doesn’t stop him being aware of who’s missing; who’ll never be here ever again.
Leaning closer to him and tapping their glasses together, Jack murmurs softly, “To absent friends.”
“Yeah,” he agrees, equally quietly. “Absent friends.”
Later, the others discreetly disappear and Jack walks with him back to the TARDIS - though he has no doubt that Ianto, at least, will be waiting for his lover to return.
It’s not a question he even wants to ask, because of all it implies - including the admission that there’s something Jack knows more about than he does - but in the end he can’t help it. “How do you do it, Jack? All those people - they’re there, all brilliant and amazing, and then they’re gone in the blink of an eye. How can you let yourself get so attached?”
“How can I not? You said it. They’re brilliant and amazing - and pretty hot too, don’t you think?” Jack grins. “But come on. You can’t tell me you don’t get attached too. I’ve seen it, and I don’t just mean with Rose. I saw your face after you said goodbye to Sarah-Jane, for one thing.”
“But you said it, Jack. I don’t stay around. You do.”
Jack shrugs. “Have I had a choice? And, no, that’s not a dig. Thing is, Doctor, I’ve learned that’s what life’s all about. Taking risks. Caring about people. Losing them, yeah, but you’ve still got all those great memories. And more people to come along and build new memories with.”
They’ve come to a halt by the TARDIS door. He just nods, then takes a deep breath. Time to say goodbye again.
“Doctor.” Jack’s giving him one of his serious looks. “Do something for me. No, two things.”
“What?” he asks, and immediately he’s struck by the contrast. Earlier, he asked Jack for a favour, and Jack instantly agreed without even knowing what it was.
“Don’t be a stranger - to me or to any of your friends. Come visit. Have dinner, kick back and relax. Tell us what’s going on in your life, even ask us for help once in a while. All right?”
He smiles faintly. “You couldn’t ask me to do something easy, like changing the Earth's gravitational constant?” Jack doesn’t smile in return. He sighs, then nods. “I’ll try.”
“Do. And second, find someone,” Jack insists. “You shouldn’t be alone.”
Find someone. Right.
It won’t be hard; of course it won’t. But the last three long-term companions he’s had have all, one way or another, ended in disaster. He thought it was going to be better with Donna, but of course it didn’t turn out that way. Why should he expect anything else?
But Jack’s not going to be happy until he gets the answer he wants. So he nods again. “I will.”
“Good.” Jack’s heels snap together, and he salutes. “Take care, Doctor.”
“No saluting, please.” The order’s sharper than he intends, and Jack blinks, lowering his arm. “You’re my friend, not my subordinate.”
Jack raises an eyebrow and he knows, whatever the Captain says next, it’s going to be a challenge. “So how do you say goodbye to your friends, then?”
Yes, it’s a challenge, all right. But not one he’s got a problem with. “Like this.” He holds out his arms, inviting Jack in for a hug. It’s deliberately the same as he hugged Martha ten minutes earlier, or Sarah-Jane a couple of weeks ago; Jack means as much to him as the two of them, after all, and he reckons he owes it to the bloke.
Two minutes later, when he closes the TARDIS door behind him, the silence in the cavernous room feels even louder than before.
***
tbc