Fixing Judas 7/7
Story: Fixing Judas
Author: WMR
Rated: Mostly PG13.
Characters: Tenth Doctor, Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness, brief appearances by Martha Jones and others.
Spoilers: Torchwood up to around They Keep Killing Suzie, and now completely Russelled and therefore AU. Doctor Who: all the way to The Runaway Bride, some usage of S3 trailer material.
Summary: He's still doing it: pushing people away rather than letting them get too close, because they always leave. But it still hurts him when they go, and he's still alone.
With thanks, as always, to the wonderful dark_aegis and nnwest for all their help :). This is a sequel to Finding Judas, which needs to be read first for this to make any sense.
Chapter 1: Another Goodbye l Chapter 2: The Captain's Wife l Chapter 3: The Meaning of Words l Chapter 4: Communication l Chapter 5: Truth Hurts l Chapter 6: In-Laws and Old Friends
Chapter 7: Learning from the Past
He freezes. Damn. He really could have done without hearing that. Because that only makes leaving harder. Yet it also makes it more imperative.
“But I can’t,” he hears Rose continue. “I won’t. An’ anyway, he hasn’t asked us.”
“And I won’t,” he murmurs under his breath, and steps away, into the living-room, and makes for the French windows, escaping into the garden.
“Not that you’ve asked, not this time, anyway, but I’d go with you again like a shot, too, if I could. Can’t, though.”
Jack’s followed him, of course. His friend obviously didn’t hear what he said. Jack’s tone’s wistful, but not unhappy. That’s something, at any rate.
“Thought you were happy here? Good job, nice house, somewhere to belong?”
“Oh, yeah. Don’t get me wrong - it’s a good life and I don’t regret staying. Sometimes, though...” Jack exhales slowly, and begins to walk around the garden, and he falls into step beside him. “I’m not from this time. Oh, sure, I’ve spent more of my life in the twenty-first century than the fifty-first, but I was a time-traveller. You don’t forget that easily. And you don’t need me to tell you that being your companion’s a life-changing experience.”
For Jack, more than most.
“You mean you want me to ask?” Eyes wide, he stares at Jack. It’s such a bad idea. Of course it is. If he’d even been slightly tempted - well, okay, he has been, but he’s been resisting - the choked note in Jackie’s voice when she asked Rose to promise not to leave without saying goodbye would’ve been enough to stop him.
Jack blows out a breath. “Like I said, I can’t. I won’t walk out on another job. And besides, no matter what she said back there, Rose won’t leave Jackie. Not when she knows it could mean never seeing her again. She won’t do that to her mom.”
But it doesn’t have to mean that. Rose knows that; he told her last time. The TARDIS can navigate the Void via the Rift, and it’s getting easier. He could bring her back a couple of times a year, easy. Though Jack’s other point is still true. They can’t walk out on their lives, their responsibilities. Before, when Rose came with him, she was nineteen. She’d just lost her job - thanks to him. She wasn’t leaving much behind - well, her mum, but he did his best to take her back to visit as often as he could. Jack... well, Jack was footloose, seeking revenge from the Time Agency, wanting to walk away from a life of crime. It made sense for both of them.
Now... not so much.
“You know I’m not going to ask.”
Jack nods. “Good.”
He nods in turn, and they walk in silence for a few moments before Jack speaks again. “I’m too old for that kind of life now, anyway.” His grin’s rueful.
He halts, staring wide-eyed at the man with him. “You? Too old? Rubbish! By my calculation, you’re - what? Hundred and forty-four? Compared to me, you’re barely more than a baby. Oh, all right,” he adds as Jack shakes his head with a faintly impatient smile. “Leaving aside those years when you didn’t age, that makes you effectively forty-four. You’re fit. Active. In better condition than most blokes of your age. And, anyway, you’re from the fifty-first century, not the twenty-first. What’s average life expectancy in your time?”
“Hundred and thirty, hundred and forty.”
“Compared to around seventy-five or so for men in this century. Your genetic make-up, including your immune system, is from three thousand years in the future. Chances are you’ll outlive Rose. Though - and this applies to both of you - I might have taken the Time Vortex from you, but - ” He produces the sonic screwdriver and does a quick sweep of Jack’s body. “Any genetic abnormalities, latent hereditary diseases, predispositions to cardiac trouble, diseased cells, anything like that’ll have been repaired. Gone. So when I say you’re in far better health than most humans I mean it.”
Though it’s interesting that Jack’s sterility isn’t one of the things the Vortex fixed. Maybe it wasn’t a genetic abnormality at all. Maybe it’s something the Time Agency did to him, and it could’ve been in those two years he doesn’t remember. Perhaps they were using agents as guinea-pigs, for experimentation? Of course, they’re unlikely to want to risk agents reproducing anachronistically. Still, it doesn’t seem to be something that either Jack or Rose is especially bothered about, so it’s obviously nothing that should concern him.
“Good to know.” Jack grins again. “It was worth waiting for the right kind of Doctor.”
He blinks. “What?”
“Never mind. Anyway, all that’s irrelevant. You said you’re not gonna ask.” Jack stops walking and turns, facing him, all humour gone from his expression. “Do me a favour, Doctor. You’re leaving as soon as we get home. I know you’re not planning on coming back. Don’t change your mind this time.”
Jack’s right, of course. It’s absolutely the sensible thing to do. But it hurts, all the same, to hear his friend - his lover - tell him he doesn’t want to see him again.
“It’s too hard for Rose,” Jack continues. “It killed her to say no to you last time. And it’s going to break her heart all over again to say goodbye to you now. Don’t put her through it again.”
He turns to Jack. “I won’t.” And that’s when he notices that Jack’s not meeting his gaze, and when he realises that Jack’s not only talking about Rose.
He wants to say something, but... no, there’s nothing he can say. He settles for patting Jack’s shoulder and jerking his head back towards the house. It’s time they went inside, and time he left this universe.
“Just one thing, Jack,” he says as they approach the French windows again. “You know my greatest regret where you’re concerned. There’s another one, too. I never did help you to get your memories back. Always meant to, you know.”
It was one of the things he kept putting off, assuming that there’d be all the time in the world. And yet he really had intended to fix that for Jack. Right from the moment Harkness the conman mentioned the two missing years, he sat up and took notice - as a telepath himself, messing with someone’s head, tampering with their mind, is something he’s always considered inexcusable. Oh, he’s done it himself, most notably with Ace, but that doesn’t mean he believes his own actions are excusable.
So, when he saved Jack from his about-to-explode ship and offered him a berth on the TARDIS, the retrieval of those two missing years went on the to-do list. It just never got to the point of being at the top of the list - and then came the Game Station, the Daleks and Jack running off to die. And when he found Jack again the lost memories were far from the most pressing issue. In fact, he can’t remember even thinking about that.
But Jack shrugs. “That’s not important, not any more. Shit, it’s so long ago I probably wouldn’t even remember what I did if I did remember those two years.”
“Jack,” he says quietly, wryly. It’s not true, and he knows it.
“All right.” Jack finally looks at him. “Yeah. It bothers me, but nothing like it did when we first met. It’s over and done with. I accepted that a long time ago.” He quirks an eyebrow. “You never told me you were gonna help me.”
“No, I didn’t, did I?” That was because it was the previous him. The curmudgeon in the leather jacket who was damned if he was going to give Jack any more than the most grudging sign that he liked him. “Was going to, though. Had every intention. Just... things got in the way. Events overtaking me. Always happens that way. I should know better.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Now it’s Jack’s hand on his shoulder, and the familiar crooked grin’s in evidence once more. “Honestly? You did more than enough for me when you fixed me last time and left me here with Rose. I’m fine, Doctor. Go find someone else to worry about.”
He nods, accepting Jack’s assurance that he’s all right, knowing it’s not true and all the same wishing there was something he could do. “Better go back inside. And, if you don’t mind, can we collect Rose and leave now?”
***
He gets another hug from Jackie, and a plea. “Come back soon, yeah? Don’t leave it so long next time.”
Reluctantly, knowing that he’s lying, he says what she wants to hear. Rose can tell her the truth later. And then, having made his farewells to everyone else, with relief he climbs back into the car.
Five minutes later, they’re outside Rose and Jack’s house, the TARDIS mere feet away. Rose’s hand touches his shoulder. “Coming inside for a bit?” Before you go is the unspoken finish.
“Best not.”
“Yeah. Course.” She’s trying to sound upbeat, but he can hear the choke in her voice. Jack’s right. This is why he can’t come back, ever.
He gets out of the car. They can say their goodbyes out on the street; better that way, too. That way they can’t get too protracted, or too emotional.
Jack’s first, and he’s enveloped in a crushing hug, which he returns with the same strength. This time, he initiates the kiss; he always seems to be kissing Jack goodbye.
“Take care of yourself, Doctor,” Jack says as he steps back at last, and his eyes are moist. “And you want to do something for us? When you find someone new to be with, don’t shut them out.”
Rose falls into his arms, just as she’s done so many times before, but this really is the last time. Tears are shimmering in her eyes too, but her voice is steady. “Jack’s right, Doctor. You need to let people love you. An’ it’s not a crime to love them back.”
He just hugs her without commenting. He does love people. They know that. Still doesn’t stop them leaving. Still doesn’t stop them getting old and dying while he still has centuries left to live. But... well, he can’t deny that the two of them have given him things to think about.
Taking Rose’s face between his palms, he bends to kiss her for the final time. Her lips taste of salt. “I love you,” she says as he releases her.
He looks at both of them - Rose now with Jack’s arm around her - for a long moment, too choked up to speak, to tell them both once more what they mean to him, but they know. That’s all that matters.
And then he turns and walks to the TARDIS, without looking back.
***
To Cardiff, then, and the Rift. From there, it’s a short, albeit bumpy, journey home.
He sets the co-ordinates for his home universe and moves his hand to the lever to start the Time Rotor pulsing, but then he hesitates. Slowly, he reaches into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out the photographs Mickey took of the three of them.
For a long time, he simply stares, barely seeing the images on the shiny page.
Mixed messages, Doctor. You can’t push people away and want them to stay with you at the same time.
You deserve to have someone to love you.
I miss it sometimes. Miss you, too.
I don’t care if you are an alien. You’ll always be a part of this family.
Not that you’ve asked, not this time, anyway, but I’d go with you again like a shot if I could.
It’s going to break her heart all over again to say goodbye to you now. Don’t put her through it again.
You need to let people love you. An’ it’s not a crime to love them back.
Does not saying it make it hurt any less when you lose them?
‘S not good to be on your own. You should keep in touch with friends, Doctor.
I won’t walk out on another job. Rose won’t leave Jackie.
You want to go with him, don’t you?
Come back soon, yeah? Don’t leave it so long next time.
When you find someone, don’t shut them out.
Find someone. You need someone to stop you.
...someone to love you.
He moves his hand slowly away from the lever. What is he doing? Running away, yet again?
Yes, they can’t come with him - not the way they were before. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There’s always a way. Compromises can be achieved - easier since the TARDIS is getting used to navigating the Rift, to travelling in this universe.
Yes, he needs to find someone else, a new companion - and they’re right: he does need to be more willing to be open, to stop shutting out people who care about him. He doesn’t have to tell them his entire life story, but again there’s a middle course between that and silence accompanied by a keep out glare. And he doesn’t have to be so afraid of losing people that he pushes them away before they can leave him, or die on him.
It’s the task of seconds to alter the co-ordinates, to run a few tests. He just needs a few answers, that’s all, and then... well, anything’s possible.
***
He lets himself in with the sonic screwdriver. Voices are coming from the kitchen.
“I used to know a lot of alien languages, but Gallifreyan wasn’t exactly on the list.”
“That’s just so bloody typical of him. Writes something knowing we can’t read it. An’ I just bet it’s important, too.”
“Need me for something?” he enquires cheerfully, stepping into the open doorway.
Rose whirls around, Jack copying her a split second later. A stool crashes to the floor. “Doctor!”
“Forget something?” Jack asks, his tone wary. They’re both keeping their distance, neither of them moving towards him. He would’ve thought Rose, at least, would come over for a hug. Seems they’ve learned to protect their feelings, at least a bit, where he’s concerned.
He nods. “You two.”
Jack holds up a hand. “Doctor, we already told you. We can’t.” But he can hear reluctance in the other man’s voice. Good.
Rose just looks down at the floor, her hands twisting.
They really should trust him. Should realise that he wouldn’t have come back now, not after everything he’s said, without a good reason.
“Ah, why can’t you humans ever use your imagination? It’s all I can’t, it’s not possible with you, isn’t it? Haven’t you learned anything from me? Almost nothing’s impossible, when you put your mind to it. Or my mind, actually. Which is always a better option.”
“ ‘S not that I don’t want to,” Rose says quietly. “But we’ve got lives. Responsibilities. We can’t just run off an’ leave them. I did that before, yeah, but I was younger then. An’, besides, like I said, I wasn’t good for you before.”
“That was before,” he points out. “You think we can’t learn from the past? I know you have, Rose. And, odd as it may seem, I think I’m finally beginning to learn from my mistakes as well.” He smiles faintly. “Besides, we’ll have Jack. He’ll keep us in line.”
Jack’s shaking his head. “We’re needed here, Doctor. We can’t just be selfish and ignore that. This Earth - this universe - doesn’t have you. Or any Time Lords. Torchwood’s this planet’s best line of defence against alien attack - and Rose and I have the most experience of what’s out there.”
“And you never take a holiday?” His question’s deceptively innocent. “Never go away? Change of scenery, recharge the batteries, that sort of thing? Cause, of course, you could have your two weeks on the Costa Brava, or Orlando, or Zakynthos, or... you could be travelling through time and space.” Head on one side, he gives them a beaming smile.
“For two weeks?” But Rose is starting to look hopeful.
“For as long as you want. Two weeks, a month, six months... I can just bring you back here two weeks after we leave and you can be back at work the next day. No problem. We can do it again next year and the year after and the year after that. Consider it like a TARDIS time-share.” And he grins.
“Makes a change from being away twelve hours an’ finding it’s a year,” Rose comments with a grin. She’s tempted. He can see it.
“Nice idea, in principle,” Jack says, leaning against the counter, arms folded. “But there are practicalities to consider. Time moves faster in this universe than the other one. Plus, there’s bringing the TARDIS through the Rift again and again, and travelling through time in a different Vortex. That can’t be good for her.”
“Moan, moan, moan.” He shakes his head in mock-despair. “Jack, you think I don’t know what the TARDIS can handle? She can travel in time in this universe. We did it earlier. And I tested her out before I came back, too. Oh, it’s not as straightforward as back in the other universe, but she’s getting there. With the two of us helping her along, it’ll be easy. So.” He raises an eyebrow. “Any more objections? Or do you really just not want to come with me?”
“I meant what I said earlier.” Still, Jack’s looking serious. “Course we want to. And you’re right, this could actually work. For us, anyway. I’m not so sure about you.”
“Oh?”
“Well, unless you’re planning on going forward in time every time you bring us back, you’re going to be alone a lot,” Rose says, and she’s looking concerned for him.
“Ah, but I thought of that, too. You’re right,” he says. “You said I need to find someone to travel with, and I will. I’ll even try to stop doing some of the things you say I shouldn’t do. See, I do listen to you. Anyway, I thought I could come and get you two whenever I’m between companions. How’s that sound?”
That’s the best solution, he’s decided. He does need to move on, to meet new people to travel with. Yes, he loves Rose and Jack, and they love him, and his relationship with them now is different from that with most of his companions. But, just like every other companion, they can’t offer him forever. If he keeps them with him, or if he simply does as Rose thought he meant to and goes forward in time every time he brings them back, he’ll get too attached. And he’ll lose them too soon.
Besides, it’d be weird if they had almost twelve months’ gap - or maybe six months, if they decide to do this twice a year - between travelling with him each year and he had none. And, too, the best kind of comfort when he loses another companion, another friend, is to have old friends to visit. These old friends.
A month or so with them every few years, depending how long each new companion stays. That’s the kind of compromise that’s workable. Oh, of course he’ll still get attached - well, he is attached - but it’s not going to hurt any less to lose them now as to lose them in - in human terms - maybe thirty or forty years’ time. And he doesn’t need to lose them now.
This way, too, he can keep his promise to Jackie. He can watch young John grow up, be an honorary big brother or uncle to him, and maybe one day take him along in the TARDIS for more than just a quick trip to Barcelona. And he can finally fulfil his vow to help Jack find his lost memories.
“Ah, so we’re the fallback whenever you can’t find anyone better to travel with?” Jack drawls, but his eyes are twinkling.
“Well... when you put it like that, yes, I think you are.” He grins back.
Rose finally closes the distance between them, coming over to hug him. “Sounds brilliant to me.”
“Course it does,” he tells her. “I’m brilliant.”
“Brilliantly egotistical,” Jack comments, coming to join them, pulling the two of them into a hug.
“Always,” he agrees, before any further flow of words is stopped by a kiss.
***
“You wanted something translated?” he asks some time later, reaching down to retrieve his tie from the floor where it’s somehow managed to end up.
Rose grabs his arm and pulls him to the counter, pointing to his inscription on the photograph.
“You mean to say you couldn’t work that out?” he asks, mock-incredulity lacing his voice.
“Maybe if you’d ever taught us Gallifreyan,” Rose replies, faint acid in her tone.
“Can start now, if you want.” He points to the first symbol. “That says I love you.”
Jack grins. “Sentiment definitely returned. And the other?”
He takes a deep breath. “What you said before, Rose, about never really knowing me... you’re right. And I want to change that. This - ” He points down at the symbol, his name. “ - is a start. Well, it’ll be more of a start when I actually tell you what it says,” he admits.
“What does it say?” Rose’s expression is all impatience.
“Well... Why don’t I tell you when you’re back in the TARDIS with me? New start, new honesty and all that? Which reminds me - how soon can you get away?”
“Oh, details.” Jack waves a hand, as if to brush them away. “We can sort that out later. And you can decide if you’re going straight there or back to look for another cute young thing first.”
“I don’t look for cute young things!” he protests.
“Could’ve fooled me,” Jack retorts with a grin. “Admittedly, I haven’t seen much of a representative sample, but Rose and Martha definitely have curves in all the right places, and Rose said Sarah-Jane’s a looker too.”
“Really? I can’t say I noticed.” He stifles a grin.
“Right.” Jack strikes a pose. “And, of course, I’m dashingly handsome and entirely irresistible. I’m seeing a pattern here, Doctor.”
“Irresistible, hmm?” He quirks an eyebrow. “Is this a theory, or do you have scientific proof?”
“Seems to me we should test it out,” Rose says. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with theories?”
“Well, in the interests of science, I suppose I could be persuaded...”
This, too, is a new start, he reflects as he finds himself pulled into another embrace by both Jack and Rose, exchanging kisses, caresses and lazy banter. Whether he goes to take them travelling with him in a few hours in his timeline, or in a couple of years’ time, isn’t important. What’s important are the decisions he’s made. Letting down the walls, even if just a little - and not just with these two, but with future companions.
There’ll always be goodbyes. The point is that there don’t always have to be regrets along with the goodbyes. Pointless waiting until he projected himself onto that beach to try to tell Rose he loves her, for instance. Stupid, leaving Sarah behind and not telling her that he wouldn’t be back; not giving her the goodbye she deserved.
And even more ridiculous acting as if former and loved companions who are still alive are already dead. Or as if other friends he’s acquired along the way are no longer part of his life just because it’s been a couple of regenerations since he’s seen them.
And, in the end, being alone because he won’t let anyone get close enough to become a true friend and remain a friend.
He can do better. He will do better.
Definitely a new start, right here and right now. And it’s going to be, he vows silently as he reaches out and holds both Rose and Jack tightly in his arms, fantastic.
END