like he's got my number, like he thinks it's his
random observations from many hours in the car:
1. if ryan ross (& even the rest of panic) had left vegas and gone to a small-ish liberal arts school on the east coast, they would have made the vampire weekend album instead of fever.
2. patrick stump's acoustic version of "growing up" is obviously from his lesbian folk music phase (we all had one, after all). which led to me and J spinning a whole lesbian FOB AU that still doesn't require either pete or patrick to be a girl.
so pete is in his fifth year of college -- he just finally realized that he had to be a gender studies major, had to, even if it meant he wasn't graduating yet. his favorite hangout is the lesbian-owned coffeeshop just off campus, which one night a week hosts poetry slams, which despite being we-shouldn't-have-to-say-this-you-should-just-get-it a safe space for womyn wordsmiths is pete's favorite place to share his newest writing. it's also his favorite place to meet chicks. and despite being a dude among many lesbians, it's also his surefire best chance of getting laid, because somehow he is the dude who every lesbian sleeps with once on her way to realizing just how little she likes dick. ("but i don't like it either!" pete always protests, before he has to listen to the lesbian of the week tell him how she finally realized she's in love with her roommate.) pete is alternately loved and hated by this poetry slam crowd, which suits him just fine.
patrick is a senior in high school, bored to death, who one night when he should be at the library doing his homework instead wanders into the lesbian owned coffeeshop over near where all the older cooler college kids hang out. every thursday there's a folk music open mic night, and even though patrick would have thought folk would be his last refuge (thanks dad) he finds himself totally into the scene. he's so adorable that the girls (mostly lesbians, or on their way to being lesbians) who are regulars befriend him, and eventually they get out of him that he's something of a musician himself. (all they can determine about his shy little sexuality is that he doesn't seem very interested in trying to sleep with them, unlike some boys they could mention.) they coax him on stage, finally, but he says out of respect for their space he'll only play lesbian/feminist/approved artists. he starts with ani difranco ("in or out") and of course moves on to some classic indigo girls ("closer to fine").
that is, predictably, when pete walks in. he's not really stalking but super hoping for a second chance with the last now-she's-a-lesbian, but there's patrick, belting out "32 flavors" or some shit like it was written for him, and pete just sits the fuck down and doesn't budge until he's done. and then he only gets up so he can go talk to patrick, find out more, figure out who is this other boy who is man enough to hang with the amazons. patrick is shy and his little girlfriends all circle around him like pete needs to come with a warning label, but eventually pete gets his name and number and a promise that they could hang out, like a boy's night, pete suggests. afterwards one of the lesbians who seemed to hate him least post-sex calls pete and warns him off patrick, almost convinces pete that patrick is just going to be another kid who probably doesn't want what pete's selling. pete's like, i don't even want what i'm selling, and how many chicks do i have to bang around here for people to stop thinking i'm gay, anyway? she tells him she doesn't think that kind of attitude is going to be conducive to winning over such a sensitive, open minded artist like patrick. he hangs up on her and googles patrick. he finds his address and shows up on his doorstep, determined that they don't need lesbians to have a good time together.
and, of course, they end up sleeping together. patrick's probably never been kissed, let alone withstood the charismatic assault of one pete wentz. pete, for all the rumors, has never actually slept with another dude, and somewhere after the third or fourth time they do it, he freaks the fuck out. he already said, he doesn't like dick. he's not gay. he doesn't even like folk music, for fuck's sake. he stops calling patrick back. he even stops going to lesbian poetry slams for a while. he's miserable.
patrick, naturally, is pretty fucking miserable himself. he's totally gay, and he's known it since he was like 12. just because he'd never met anyone he was sure he wanted to do anything about it with before doesn't mean he's confused, or experimenting, or going to sleep with some girl just to prove he can. he's a little annoyed, really, at pete just using him if he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. but pete won't call him back, and patrick won't keep calling him, and all the girls from the coffeeshop shake their heads knowingly like he should have seen it coming, like he did something wrong. he just locks himself in his room and writes songs about how much he hates boys who can't make up their minds.
pete goes home for christmas break, and being at his parents' house in the 'burbs is even worse than being miserable in his tiny, crappy apartment, because at least in his apartment if he wants to shout his pissed off poetry out the window at four in the morning the worst that happens is someone calls the cops with a noise complaint. the night before christmas eve he finally cracks, begs a ride to the train station and heads downtown to the coffeeshop. he doesn't even care if he runs into patrick, he just wants to be around people who know what it's like to not fit in. the place is pretty empty when he gets there, with so many kids gone for the holidays. pete orders a quadruple latte and sits in the back with his headphones on, reading nietzsche and thinking of ways to kill himself without leaving a mess.
he doesn't even hear the open mic getting started, but when he looks up, patrick is taking the stage, acoustic guitar in hand and an ugly brown sweater vest over an orange shirt. he looks like charlie brown right after he missed a hundred kicks in a row. pete slides his headphones off and patrick is singing, hat pulled over his forehead, eyes on the ground. he's singing something angry, angrier even than his most impassioned ani difranco covers, something about how all he wants for christmas is for someone to bury themselves alive. pete stands up, like, for no real reason other than that he has to do something, and his chair with all his coats and scarves tips over backwards with a huge crash. patrick looks up, and he fumbles one chord but that's it, he's still singing, only somehow even more pissed off, and now staring straight at pete. it's the hottest thing pete's ever seen, shy, sweet little patrick so fucking angry he might actually bite if pete was in reach. pete rushes up to the stage as soon as patrick's done, following him even when patrick tries to shove him away, even when patrick says, "stop it, pete, don't you listen, can't you hear anything, i hate you."
pete is just grinning like a loon, and he's trying still to kiss patrick even as he's saying something stupid like, "not half as much as i hate myself," and patrick finally gives in because if he can't get his arms free to punch pete he might as well kiss him. they make out until one of the dykes who owns the coffeeshop kicks them out, and then they make out in patrick's car and then pete still feels like he has something to prove so he totally goes down on patrick right there and it's actually about a 100 times better than any time he's gone down on a girl because those girls weren't patrick.
after, while they're sitting around listening to pete's extra angsty "jesus died so i could be this miserable" mix, pete tells patrick that they should honor their lesbian heritage and move in together now. patrick is like, i'm still 17. i live at home. pete's counter offer is that they could live at his parent's house, or at least they could spend a few nights there. patrick says, but it's christmas, and pete says, yeah, but you could care less, right?
AND THEY LIVE HAPPY LESBIAN LIVES TOGETHER FOREVER THE END.
1. if ryan ross (& even the rest of panic) had left vegas and gone to a small-ish liberal arts school on the east coast, they would have made the vampire weekend album instead of fever.
2. patrick stump's acoustic version of "growing up" is obviously from his lesbian folk music phase (we all had one, after all). which led to me and J spinning a whole lesbian FOB AU that still doesn't require either pete or patrick to be a girl.
so pete is in his fifth year of college -- he just finally realized that he had to be a gender studies major, had to, even if it meant he wasn't graduating yet. his favorite hangout is the lesbian-owned coffeeshop just off campus, which one night a week hosts poetry slams, which despite being we-shouldn't-have-to-say-this-you-should-just-get-it a safe space for womyn wordsmiths is pete's favorite place to share his newest writing. it's also his favorite place to meet chicks. and despite being a dude among many lesbians, it's also his surefire best chance of getting laid, because somehow he is the dude who every lesbian sleeps with once on her way to realizing just how little she likes dick. ("but i don't like it either!" pete always protests, before he has to listen to the lesbian of the week tell him how she finally realized she's in love with her roommate.) pete is alternately loved and hated by this poetry slam crowd, which suits him just fine.
patrick is a senior in high school, bored to death, who one night when he should be at the library doing his homework instead wanders into the lesbian owned coffeeshop over near where all the older cooler college kids hang out. every thursday there's a folk music open mic night, and even though patrick would have thought folk would be his last refuge (thanks dad) he finds himself totally into the scene. he's so adorable that the girls (mostly lesbians, or on their way to being lesbians) who are regulars befriend him, and eventually they get out of him that he's something of a musician himself. (all they can determine about his shy little sexuality is that he doesn't seem very interested in trying to sleep with them, unlike some boys they could mention.) they coax him on stage, finally, but he says out of respect for their space he'll only play lesbian/feminist/approved artists. he starts with ani difranco ("in or out") and of course moves on to some classic indigo girls ("closer to fine").
that is, predictably, when pete walks in. he's not really stalking but super hoping for a second chance with the last now-she's-a-lesbian, but there's patrick, belting out "32 flavors" or some shit like it was written for him, and pete just sits the fuck down and doesn't budge until he's done. and then he only gets up so he can go talk to patrick, find out more, figure out who is this other boy who is man enough to hang with the amazons. patrick is shy and his little girlfriends all circle around him like pete needs to come with a warning label, but eventually pete gets his name and number and a promise that they could hang out, like a boy's night, pete suggests. afterwards one of the lesbians who seemed to hate him least post-sex calls pete and warns him off patrick, almost convinces pete that patrick is just going to be another kid who probably doesn't want what pete's selling. pete's like, i don't even want what i'm selling, and how many chicks do i have to bang around here for people to stop thinking i'm gay, anyway? she tells him she doesn't think that kind of attitude is going to be conducive to winning over such a sensitive, open minded artist like patrick. he hangs up on her and googles patrick. he finds his address and shows up on his doorstep, determined that they don't need lesbians to have a good time together.
and, of course, they end up sleeping together. patrick's probably never been kissed, let alone withstood the charismatic assault of one pete wentz. pete, for all the rumors, has never actually slept with another dude, and somewhere after the third or fourth time they do it, he freaks the fuck out. he already said, he doesn't like dick. he's not gay. he doesn't even like folk music, for fuck's sake. he stops calling patrick back. he even stops going to lesbian poetry slams for a while. he's miserable.
patrick, naturally, is pretty fucking miserable himself. he's totally gay, and he's known it since he was like 12. just because he'd never met anyone he was sure he wanted to do anything about it with before doesn't mean he's confused, or experimenting, or going to sleep with some girl just to prove he can. he's a little annoyed, really, at pete just using him if he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. but pete won't call him back, and patrick won't keep calling him, and all the girls from the coffeeshop shake their heads knowingly like he should have seen it coming, like he did something wrong. he just locks himself in his room and writes songs about how much he hates boys who can't make up their minds.
pete goes home for christmas break, and being at his parents' house in the 'burbs is even worse than being miserable in his tiny, crappy apartment, because at least in his apartment if he wants to shout his pissed off poetry out the window at four in the morning the worst that happens is someone calls the cops with a noise complaint. the night before christmas eve he finally cracks, begs a ride to the train station and heads downtown to the coffeeshop. he doesn't even care if he runs into patrick, he just wants to be around people who know what it's like to not fit in. the place is pretty empty when he gets there, with so many kids gone for the holidays. pete orders a quadruple latte and sits in the back with his headphones on, reading nietzsche and thinking of ways to kill himself without leaving a mess.
he doesn't even hear the open mic getting started, but when he looks up, patrick is taking the stage, acoustic guitar in hand and an ugly brown sweater vest over an orange shirt. he looks like charlie brown right after he missed a hundred kicks in a row. pete slides his headphones off and patrick is singing, hat pulled over his forehead, eyes on the ground. he's singing something angry, angrier even than his most impassioned ani difranco covers, something about how all he wants for christmas is for someone to bury themselves alive. pete stands up, like, for no real reason other than that he has to do something, and his chair with all his coats and scarves tips over backwards with a huge crash. patrick looks up, and he fumbles one chord but that's it, he's still singing, only somehow even more pissed off, and now staring straight at pete. it's the hottest thing pete's ever seen, shy, sweet little patrick so fucking angry he might actually bite if pete was in reach. pete rushes up to the stage as soon as patrick's done, following him even when patrick tries to shove him away, even when patrick says, "stop it, pete, don't you listen, can't you hear anything, i hate you."
pete is just grinning like a loon, and he's trying still to kiss patrick even as he's saying something stupid like, "not half as much as i hate myself," and patrick finally gives in because if he can't get his arms free to punch pete he might as well kiss him. they make out until one of the dykes who owns the coffeeshop kicks them out, and then they make out in patrick's car and then pete still feels like he has something to prove so he totally goes down on patrick right there and it's actually about a 100 times better than any time he's gone down on a girl because those girls weren't patrick.
after, while they're sitting around listening to pete's extra angsty "jesus died so i could be this miserable" mix, pete tells patrick that they should honor their lesbian heritage and move in together now. patrick is like, i'm still 17. i live at home. pete's counter offer is that they could live at his parent's house, or at least they could spend a few nights there. patrick says, but it's christmas, and pete says, yeah, but you could care less, right?
AND THEY LIVE HAPPY LESBIAN LIVES TOGETHER FOREVER THE END.