Love hurts... SPN 6.14 Mannequin 3: The Reckoning Part 3
Part 1
Part 2
Dean and Ben.
I'm fairly sure it ought to be illegal to have a crush on a twelve-year-old. But there you go. I cheered for that kid about as much as I cheered for Lisa. For precisely the same reasons: he loves Dean unconditionally, he's firmly slipped Dean into the 'Dad' slot (something, remarkably enough, Dean doesn't even try to object - takes it as a given, conducts himself as Dad), he wants Mom and Dad happy together (for you can fool a kid only for so long - if it were all that bad for him and Lisa while Dean was around, Ben wouldn't want him back), and Ben would have none of Dean's self-fulfilling delusive wallowing in loathing, lack of esteem and insecurities. Ben delivers Dean the next portion of revelations and epiphnies Dean is long overdue to confront.
Through most of that scene with the boy, Dean was exerting projection. Consciouly or not, he was identifying himself with his one acknowledged nightmare of failed parenthood and failed 'normal' personhood - John Winchester. Magnified tenfold through the prysm of Dean's negative self awareness, fear to actually *turn* into the worst version of John, or the worst version of whomever, for that matter, due to professional deformation of the hunt and Dean's own experiences in monsterhood, recent (vampirism), long-standing (Hell) and lifelong ('I'm a killer, not a father'). Dean's self-image is revealed to be miles below the gutter, in the soliloquy he offers Ben (I think my job turns me into somebody. That can't sit at your dinner table). Dean is so hell-bent not to visit John's most prominent parenting shortcomings on Ben (exposing a child to the life of hunt, narrowing down the kid's lifestyle options to the hunt [due to imminent childish hero-worship of the father], bringing the mess and gore and rage the hunt makes fester within one's soul home) that he'd rather run. I wonder as well if Dean is projecting John's experience with Adam and his Mom and the subsequent tragedy here: John believed he could have a shot at normal, came into that woman's and child's life; as a result - the woman met a violent demise, the child died too, got resurrected and is now confined within Lucifer's Cage (something Dean is definetely filing up as his fault). Dean's immediate reference framework doesn't very well permit him to conclude he is able do any better by Lisa and Ben (Bobby's claim that Dean is a far better person than his father, or just a good person, period, or his own man apparently, is a non-issue where Dean's self-esteem is concerned).
However, two things are stand out most within this portion of the exchange (yay for Ben again, to all but bully this out):
- Dean is forced to admit the truth behind the noble excuses he used to supply, leaving (that he should bring danger home): it's not about the imminent or inevitable dangers of Dean's vocation, it's ALL ABOUT Dean and how he views himself. Ben's got a mirror of his own to put up to Dean. And Dean's yet again confronted with the fact that his monstrous self-image is NOT necessarily how those who care perceive him (Why do you say it like you're so...Bad? Lisa said it too, once upon a time [in 6.02] - the Breadens have some cool psych therapy teamwork going on here).
- Dean slips a confession that he doesn't permit himself to voice too often - that he *loves* someone - Lisa and Ben in this case (Just 'cause you love someone doesn't mean you should stick around and screw up their life.). Which is another portion of honesty wrt this little nuclear family Dean needed to deliver out loud to perceive it's tangibility (and leave no narrative room for doubt - which this individual viewer here is extremely enthusiastic about).
And of course, here goes the wonderful Major Revelation of Ben's very own, to match up that of his Mom's and to shellshock Dean with even more:
You're a liar, dean. - Excuse me? - You say family's so important, But but what do you call people who -- who care for you, Who love you even when you're a dick? You know you're walking out on your family, right?
What do you call that person indeed? On a TV show generally known as Supernatural, that person is usually referred to as Dean Winchester. The family who's there for those he loves, despite their misgivings of utterly cosmic proportions and douchebaggery in par. The family who's hurting and bleeding and pleading, whenever abandoned.
THAT's the kind of epiphany Dean needed to confront more than pretty much anything else: he's so concerned with becoming the worst version of John if he stays in Lisa's and Ben's lives, that he totally overlooks the fact that he's actually turning into one, if/when he leaves. Projection works both ways and it's his own self - in the worst case scenario possible: lonely, longing, confused and heartbroken - Dean catches a glimpse of in Ben. The kid he wants to shelter most. The kid he deems his own.
The way Dean's reaction to both educational memos (on self-awareness as an individual and as a family man) is explicated, it's a safe bet Lisa's and Ben's words didn't fall falt with him nor rang hollow. Dean is shaken, Dean is left pensive, the gears in his mind working quite audibly.
But self-esteem issues don't get resolved overnight. They don't get resolved via the spell of the words, however potent and credible, deep seated as self-loathing and self-deprecation is within Dean. Especially if the original source of insecurity is inextricable - Dean is still resolved to return to the hunt. That's what he does best (though the episode outcome suggests he resumes having reservations) He needs to return to Sam. Won't permit himself to enjoy and indulge happyness, knowing Sam is in danger. Quietly hates himself for running still, know that he's aware what and why he's running from. Still won't acknowledge himself of *deserving* anything better.
But Dean begins to ponder. And he begins to reminiscence. And he beging to weigh the *actual* value of the cost paid against the effects gained.
The Breadens flashback is quite revealing in this respect, methinks (apart from the fact that it's just beautifully poignant and bittersweet): a woman who kept the door open for him time and time over, a child to call his own.
We've seen glimpses of those flashbacks before at the very beginning of s6: Dean's apple-pie life tempered by the memories of a brother he lost, of the grief that consumed and overwhelmed him. Grief is a cunning serpent (unfortunately, I'm speaking from experience here). It coils over the heart, injects it with slow poison, producing a viable make-believe there's *nothing* worthwhile outside the pain you undergo. Nothing comes close, nothing else matters. Not really.
Dean spent an excruciating year living side by side with Lisa and Ben, *convinced* all he truly wanted was his brother alive and back. Living side by side with Lisa and Ben, within a life he didn't quite believe was his, he indulged into hindsight time and again. Whereas now, having got Sam indeed back and whole, the benefit of hindside offers Dean a revelation, that the life he didn't notice or thouroughly overlooked living through that year - was in fact *his*. It was him, cheerful and fooling around in bed with the woman that loves him back, it was him, basking in the sunlight, in the little joys of affectionate synchronicity true partnership ensues, it was him being a father to the kid he loves enough to leave behind. He grieved for Sam, longed for Sam, missed Sam, sure enough, but while he *focused* on just that, the life he actually had ambled on with him at it's core. And it did bring him solace and a very close resemblance to happyness, whether he wanted it or not.
Sam was presumably all Dean wanted back then, but is all Dean can have now. Unless Dean does his homework and wires his stubborn, issue-ridden mind around deserving and appreciating the other things he not just wants, but actually *has*.
And I'm decidedly NOT labelling this final flashback reel nor the whole visit to the Breadens as Dean's good-bye trip down the memory lane. I do think the narrative played it out rather cleverly - never once hinting at finality, leaving all the posed questions open for Dean to consider and mature from the impromptu soul-searching experience. No doors were explicitly shut. Both Lisa and Ben went at lengths to a) let Dean know he's loved; b) help Dean *learn* some significant things about himself and about their place in his life (and his place in their life). And I do hope it's a deliberate story-telling approach to the matter.
The learning process might take Dean a while, there's still a looooong and twisted way to go to his self-identification but it's a start. Which counts by a thousandfold.
Besides, the little slip Dean let out in the final exchange with Sam, got me particularly excited:
'I got a heartbroken kid. And a woman who's so pissed at me... '
All in present tense (I'm an English major, have patience). Not 'I *had* a woman and kid', not 'I *lost* a woman and kid'. No, sir. Dean's *got* them, as in - currently. One's heartbroken, the other *is* pissed. As in - currently.
Newsflash: as long as you evoke those respective emotions in someone, that someone *cares* for you, Dean-o.: end of newsflash.
So I'm actually keeping my fingers crossed, wrt to Dean's and Lisa'n'Ben's future.
However, even if this story is not steered toward a happy end, even if Dean and Lisa are to remain star-crossed, never-to-be - the gift of awareness Dean's visit granted him is beyond worth. And bears the potential to become a forceful vehicle of Dean's subsequennt characterization evolution in all the right, earned directions.
But in my sekrit fangirl mind's eye I still want them married, with a little baby-brother or a baby-sister for Ben to dote on; with Cas for a godfather and Sam for a cool, awesome uncle to take Ben out to target practice or to throw knives while Dean's not watching; with family holidays and bar-B-Qs at Bobby's.
Dean.
For a change, I'm not going to indulge into lengthy ramblings in this particular section of the overview (yeah, I'm short-shrifting Dean!), precisely 'cause I think I got a chance to wax contemplative about him a good deal in the prior sections. But I'd like point out a couple of things.
Dean starts up the episode advocating to bury everything down and not to confront the past. He ends up amidst an abundance of revelations and epiphanies, but none of those bring relief. Not the contrary. Dean is rueful, heartbroken, frustrated. Whatever glimmer of hope Sam's proclamations offer is tainted by what Dean *knows* the life they lead can bring. It hardly ever to get better, it's just gonna be more of the same. And it hurts.
However, one of the primary reasons Dean's date with past (and potential) shortcomings fall short, is 'cause he's currently not ready to deal with what he learns about himself. Much like Sam's quest of redemprtion failed while his focus was on his own self, Dean's prospective 'redemption' and righting of personal wrongs would be impossible till he shifts the focus onto his own self. Onto the kind of person he *can* be at his utmost (not just the inner monster he's aware of). Onto the kind of person the *deserves* redemption and possesses virtue enough to enjoy it's fruits.
Honestly, I'm at a loss right now what exactly exsperriences can upgrade Dean into a more positive self-image. He needs to believe himself just how incredible a person he is. Dean's unlikely to believe the 'tell' (even executed by Sam or Lisa and Ben, or Bobby, or even Death) on the subject matter.
Hope it wind down to both, victorious endeavors (though, I'm not holding my breath here - we're quite probably looking forward to some more epic fail, Dean angst it too juicy to do away with just like that) *and* consistent reminders from those whose opinion he values most.
Yeah, I'm still looking at you, Sam Winchester. That thanx was good, now's the time to tell your brother how *exactly* it came to pass that the *two* of you overcame Lucifer.
Sam.
As I've pointed out before, I'm ambivalent on Sam's perception through most of this episode.
Meaning, there're two approaches I had to execute:
1) taking what's happening to his character this episode at face value;
2) issuing a measure of conceptual suspicion.
Taken at face value, Sam's journey this ep is that of individual redemption, yet again. Though executed less balatantly. Sam clearly identifies with one of the potential ghost victims: Johnny. A guy who partook in something despicable in the past.
All those tips of Sam's:
'Look me in the eye and say none of it is on you'
'I wish I could take it all back. - I'm sure you do'.
'Look at this as a new beginning. Lot of chances not to be a jackass. '
might as well have been pages from Sam's own book. In issuing Johnny a chance to 'do things right' Sam is, by extension, issuing one for his own self. And fails...
It's symbolic in no uncertain way, to my mind, that Johnny still dies. No chance to execute those second chances. 'Cause redemption *still* doesn't work, with a notion of self-gratification at it's core. Sam needed to be benevolent not so much for Johnny, but for Sam's own sake. Alas, no joy.
Eventually, Sam is forced to turn his attention closely not to the culprits to spare Rose's revenge, but to the actual *victims* of Rose's demise: Rose proper and Isabel. The resque fails in this aspect too, for many a reason. One of them being - Sam was too late in sorting through his viable projection and identification options.
To Sam's credit,it loks like by the end of the episode, he's learning to turn the dome (yeah, there's absolutely a mannequin-informed, R2D2 pun in here) toward the one object to 'fix' upon his RoboSam exploits that can and will eventually tantamount to redemption, the object outside Sam's isolated sense of self - Dean.
As a highlight of a behavioral tendency - this leaves room for hope. But I've pointed out above that on the execution level Sam's attempts still fall a good deal short.
Now, on to the 'suspicious' perception angle.
This includes the afteraffects of Sam's brush with the Cage.
Now, I'm now oficially CREEPED OUT by what Sam's Hell harbors behind the Wall. Precisely 'cause Sam is FINE in the aftermath.
WE saw a glimpse of fires. We, the viewers, know it couldn't be pretty, whatever it was. But Sam is genuinely okay.
Through the initial exchange with Dean Sam is pensive, perplexed, somewhat contemplative and withdrawn - but far from crushed. Sure, the Wall is still in place, but shouldn't he be... I dunno... shaken by a week's worth of those hellish fires?
Of course, Sam could be lying as to his state-of-fine. Dean did that back in the day. But the narrative also made it explicit, how UNOKAY Dean in reality was, even claiming other wise.
We got a chance to witness Sam on his own through the bulk of the episode. No need to put up an act to keep Dean placated. And Sam is indeed FINE. He's going about the case investigation with gusto and excitement. No indication of residual horror, trauma. Nothing.
What is it exactly that the Cage did to him? Color me worried.
If to concider this interpretative option, Sam's nonchalance wrt Isabel's death, occasional glimpses of coldness, peeking through the empathetic demeanor (interviewing Johnny, burning the bones), the glass-half-full attitude aqcuire an eery hue. And the 'Satan's left the building' claim rings suspiciously as an admonition.
Now, trust me, I *want* to be wrong. Primarily 'cause I *want* Sam, the 'real' Sam to have meant everything he told Dean. I want Sam to *act* on what he said and mean it too, in the future. So maybe I'm just overreacting.
But the very idea gives me chills.
Randomettes:
- 'Be my Valentine' - never gets old; still rings poignant;
- Dean loves himself some biology class;
- Mom!Lisa and Dad!Dean = made of cute;
- Othello!Dean = made of pathetic, but hot nonethless;
- Impala gets possesed by a vengeful spirit. Again. Cf. Pilot.
Dean loves his mechanic Baby way too much to Rose's liking;
- I rather like that the boys are back at Bobby's to lick the wounds - looks more and more like a homebase (or just a home) for them;
Wonder where's Bobby? Barricaded up in the panic room to avoid Sam?
- Did the brothers stay at hotel while on case this time? Did Sam sleep, while on his own?
ETA: I should probably do something about the apparetnt case of hypergraphia here, or else these overviews get even more lengthy. But you can rest assured, this was a lot more fun to write than I can ever hope it'll be to read (bugs, typos and all - can never be sure I got them all out). However, I'm beyond thrilled if you managed to bear with me this far. Thank you!
As of now, I'm out of overview hibernation and back into the realm of Lj-active (or at the very least, Lj-browsing). Yay!