Fanfiction: Cookies In The Elevator Shaft
Title: Cookies In The Elevator Shaft
Wordcount: 978
Pairing: Roschach and Viedt bond in an elevator.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. If I did, majorly different ending. With sugar cubes and HAPPY and no DEVASTATING AGONY THAT RIPS THE SOUL- Please don't sue me.
Summary: Another crack!fic. Rorschach and Viedt get stuck in an elevator, and chat.
Notes: You can blame this one on
deutschtard .
Prompt: 2 characters end up trapped in an elevator with cookies and a briefcase with mysterious contents.
Then again, I DID ask for a prompt. I am accepting any and all weird/funny prompts. But I won't be held responsible for the results.
"All your fault."
“So you said.”
“Not my fault.”
“No one said it was.”
“All your fault.”
"You've said that repeatedly, Rorschach."
"Hurm. Still true."
"I don't understand why you're so upset."
"In an elevator."
"Yes, I am aware, thank you."
"In BROKEN elevator. Stuck."
"I think I deduced that myself when you tried to open the doors."
"Would have worked, Veidt."
"You would have plummeted to your death."
"Like elevators."
"So I've heard.”
“Useful. Underappreciated tools.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind. What was that?"
"Hungry."
“That was your stomach? They probably heard that upstairs.”
“No time to eat earlier.”
"So you do eat."
"Am human."
"I wonder sometimes."
"All your fault, Veidt."
"I do wish you'd stop saying that. I've contacted Nite Owl, and he will be extracting us as soon as he can get here. In the meantime, why don't we just chat?"
"Should be investigating evidence. What's in briefcase?"
"I don't know. I grabbed it right before they threw the dynamite."
"Should have followed my plan."
"Your plan involved decapitating the leader of the gang with a pencil."
"Would have worked. Would- WHAT'S THAT?"
"Mmfmm?"
"Eating something. Mouth full. Not sharing. Very rude. COOKIE. MY COOKIE."
"It's MY COOKIE. I brought it from home, and I'm hungry."
"Need strength. Want. Cookie."
"Look, I only have a few-"
"EHHHNK."
"That is an extremely inappropriate sound, Rorschach."
"Veidt-"
"Fine, fine. Take one."
"Hurm."
"Now, about this briefcase - What are you DOING? That's REPULSIVE."
"Disgusting."
"It's an organic carob-tofu cookie with protein enhancers. It's very good for you."
"Tastes like liberal excrement. Want real cookie."
"Perhaps there are some in the briefcase."
"Sarcasm not appreciated. Probably made with Communist butter."
"Fine, but must you SPIT everywhere?"
"Yes."
"They did seem rather anxious to keep this briefcase out of our hands. Let's see what we've got."
"Shouldn't open."
"And why not?"
"Could be trap. Could be trick. Could be bomb. Could be- Water?"
"I don't think there's water in the briefcase."
"Thought were smartest man in world. Asking for water."
"Wading through the jungle of your grammatical mistakes troubles even my mind. And no, I didn't bring any water."
"Mouth tastes like gay."
"Too easy."
"What?"
"I'm opening the briefcase."
"Could blow up and kill us. Don't want to die with taste of bad cookies in mouth."
"Will you forget about the damn cookies, Rorschach? Most likely it's drugs or money, which we can give to the police to aid their search."
"Don't like police."
"They’re not fond of you, either. Maybe you should stop disparaging them in public."
“Wouldn’t disparage police if not populated with incompetent, immoral, Pinkos.”
“Yes, they really are asking for it.”
"Assumed rich people ate good cookies."
"Rorschach, I'm begging you, forget about the cookies. I.... Oh."
"What?"
"Nothing. Would you like another cookie?"
"Opened briefcase. Want to see."
"No, no. You need to masticate the cookie thoroughly to get the real taste. Here, try another."
"Bomb?"
"No, it's nothing. Nothing at ALL."
"Need to know. Could be important."
"Rorschach, trust me, you don't need to know about this. It's nothing."
"Face red. Lying. Dislike liars."
"You don't like me already."
"Irrelevant. Give briefcase."
"Do you really want to fight with me over a briefcase?"
"Nothing else to do."
"Rorschach...."
"Tell me."
"Let's talk about something. Do you like to read? Do you enjoy Hemmingway?"
"Drunk philanderer. Briefcase."
"What about Fitzgerald?"
"Drunk, weepy, liberal philanderer. Briefcase."
"Um..."
"Briefcase."
"I could just say no until Nite Owl gets us. Which should be very soon."
"Don't care."
"What was that?"
"Don't distract."
"I-"
"EEhhhnkk-"
"I TOLD you not to look in there."
"Oh... Uh."
"You wanted to know. You HAD to know."
"Don't understand.”
“Please don’t make me explain this.”
“Not THAT. Looks like Nite Owl."
"It's supposed to be Nite Owl."
"No clothes."
"Yes, that's the appeal."
"People buy this... filth? Naked drawings of Da-Nite Owl? Why?"
"Masked heroes appeal to a wide variety of people, Rorschach. Goes with the business.
"Inappropriate. INAPPROPRIATE."
"And he's off."
"Nite Owl good man. Moral. Would NOT do that with toilet brush."
"It's certainly not healthy."
"Not just Nite Owl. You! With Bubastis?"
"It's popular. I’ve heard. Stop looking at me like that."
"Must stop. Must stop at once. Debasing masked heroes. Filth. FILTH. Immoral, depraved creatures tarnishing nobility of cause. Naked Nite Owl, Naked Ozymandias, Naked Doctor Manhattan-"
"He's always naked."
"NOT POINT. NOT POINT AT ALL."
"OK!"
“You, NAKED. In hot tub.”
“I find it flattering.”
"Ignoring that. Deviant. Naked Comedian-"
"Oh?"
"DOESN'T USE CIGAR THAT WAY. UNINFORMED ARTIST. MUST HAVE WORD WITH THEM. MANY WORDS. VIOLENT WORDS."
"Rorschach, maybe you've looked enough in there."
"Can handle any depravity. Can deal - WHAT IS THIS?"
"That's you.... and, oh my, Silk Spectre."
"EYES BURNING."
"This artist seems to think she's quite... flexible."
"LEGS DON'T EVEN BEND THAT WAY. PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE."
"The artist was very generous with you."
"STOP SPEAKING OF NETHER REGION. PRIVATE. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT."
"Rorschach, calm down."
“CAN SEE YOU THINKING ABOUT IT.”
“There’s so much!”
"TOO MUCH NAKED. WHY WITH HER?"
"Don't know. Guess people find it.... erotic."
"FILTH. FILTH."
"What are you doing?"
"Must destroy immediately. Must burn. Fire cleanses. Fire cleanses. No nudity in fire. Taking briefcase with me. Don't mention. Especially-“
“Nite Owl!”
"Hey guys."
"Nice of you to stop by."
"Sorry, it was hard to get this thing opened. Looks like someone was banging up against it. You guys all right?"
"Fine, Nite Owl."
"What's in the briefcase?"
"NOTHING. NO BRIEFCASE. NEVER WAS A BRIEFCASE. BRIEFCASE IS LIE."
"O.....K......."
"Well, that was eventful."
"Ozy, is he all right?"
"Rorschach? He'll be fine. It may take a few days for him to wrap his mind around what he's seen, but I think it will all be for the best."
"What was in the briefcase, anyway?"
"Cookies."
x-posted a bit
Wordcount: 978
Pairing: Roschach and Viedt bond in an elevator.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Watchmen. If I did, majorly different ending. With sugar cubes and HAPPY and no DEVASTATING AGONY THAT RIPS THE SOUL- Please don't sue me.
Summary: Another crack!fic. Rorschach and Viedt get stuck in an elevator, and chat.
Notes: You can blame this one on
deutschtard .
Prompt: 2 characters end up trapped in an elevator with cookies and a briefcase with mysterious contents.
Then again, I DID ask for a prompt. I am accepting any and all weird/funny prompts. But I won't be held responsible for the results.
"All your fault."
“So you said.”
“Not my fault.”
“No one said it was.”
“All your fault.”
"You've said that repeatedly, Rorschach."
"Hurm. Still true."
"I don't understand why you're so upset."
"In an elevator."
"Yes, I am aware, thank you."
"In BROKEN elevator. Stuck."
"I think I deduced that myself when you tried to open the doors."
"Would have worked, Veidt."
"You would have plummeted to your death."
"Like elevators."
"So I've heard.”
“Useful. Underappreciated tools.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind. What was that?"
"Hungry."
“That was your stomach? They probably heard that upstairs.”
“No time to eat earlier.”
"So you do eat."
"Am human."
"I wonder sometimes."
"All your fault, Veidt."
"I do wish you'd stop saying that. I've contacted Nite Owl, and he will be extracting us as soon as he can get here. In the meantime, why don't we just chat?"
"Should be investigating evidence. What's in briefcase?"
"I don't know. I grabbed it right before they threw the dynamite."
"Should have followed my plan."
"Your plan involved decapitating the leader of the gang with a pencil."
"Would have worked. Would- WHAT'S THAT?"
"Mmfmm?"
"Eating something. Mouth full. Not sharing. Very rude. COOKIE. MY COOKIE."
"It's MY COOKIE. I brought it from home, and I'm hungry."
"Need strength. Want. Cookie."
"Look, I only have a few-"
"EHHHNK."
"That is an extremely inappropriate sound, Rorschach."
"Veidt-"
"Fine, fine. Take one."
"Hurm."
"Now, about this briefcase - What are you DOING? That's REPULSIVE."
"Disgusting."
"It's an organic carob-tofu cookie with protein enhancers. It's very good for you."
"Tastes like liberal excrement. Want real cookie."
"Perhaps there are some in the briefcase."
"Sarcasm not appreciated. Probably made with Communist butter."
"Fine, but must you SPIT everywhere?"
"Yes."
"They did seem rather anxious to keep this briefcase out of our hands. Let's see what we've got."
"Shouldn't open."
"And why not?"
"Could be trap. Could be trick. Could be bomb. Could be- Water?"
"I don't think there's water in the briefcase."
"Thought were smartest man in world. Asking for water."
"Wading through the jungle of your grammatical mistakes troubles even my mind. And no, I didn't bring any water."
"Mouth tastes like gay."
"Too easy."
"What?"
"I'm opening the briefcase."
"Could blow up and kill us. Don't want to die with taste of bad cookies in mouth."
"Will you forget about the damn cookies, Rorschach? Most likely it's drugs or money, which we can give to the police to aid their search."
"Don't like police."
"They’re not fond of you, either. Maybe you should stop disparaging them in public."
“Wouldn’t disparage police if not populated with incompetent, immoral, Pinkos.”
“Yes, they really are asking for it.”
"Assumed rich people ate good cookies."
"Rorschach, I'm begging you, forget about the cookies. I.... Oh."
"What?"
"Nothing. Would you like another cookie?"
"Opened briefcase. Want to see."
"No, no. You need to masticate the cookie thoroughly to get the real taste. Here, try another."
"Bomb?"
"No, it's nothing. Nothing at ALL."
"Need to know. Could be important."
"Rorschach, trust me, you don't need to know about this. It's nothing."
"Face red. Lying. Dislike liars."
"You don't like me already."
"Irrelevant. Give briefcase."
"Do you really want to fight with me over a briefcase?"
"Nothing else to do."
"Rorschach...."
"Tell me."
"Let's talk about something. Do you like to read? Do you enjoy Hemmingway?"
"Drunk philanderer. Briefcase."
"What about Fitzgerald?"
"Drunk, weepy, liberal philanderer. Briefcase."
"Um..."
"Briefcase."
"I could just say no until Nite Owl gets us. Which should be very soon."
"Don't care."
"What was that?"
"Don't distract."
"I-"
"EEhhhnkk-"
"I TOLD you not to look in there."
"Oh... Uh."
"You wanted to know. You HAD to know."
"Don't understand.”
“Please don’t make me explain this.”
“Not THAT. Looks like Nite Owl."
"It's supposed to be Nite Owl."
"No clothes."
"Yes, that's the appeal."
"People buy this... filth? Naked drawings of Da-Nite Owl? Why?"
"Masked heroes appeal to a wide variety of people, Rorschach. Goes with the business.
"Inappropriate. INAPPROPRIATE."
"And he's off."
"Nite Owl good man. Moral. Would NOT do that with toilet brush."
"It's certainly not healthy."
"Not just Nite Owl. You! With Bubastis?"
"It's popular. I’ve heard. Stop looking at me like that."
"Must stop. Must stop at once. Debasing masked heroes. Filth. FILTH. Immoral, depraved creatures tarnishing nobility of cause. Naked Nite Owl, Naked Ozymandias, Naked Doctor Manhattan-"
"He's always naked."
"NOT POINT. NOT POINT AT ALL."
"OK!"
“You, NAKED. In hot tub.”
“I find it flattering.”
"Ignoring that. Deviant. Naked Comedian-"
"Oh?"
"DOESN'T USE CIGAR THAT WAY. UNINFORMED ARTIST. MUST HAVE WORD WITH THEM. MANY WORDS. VIOLENT WORDS."
"Rorschach, maybe you've looked enough in there."
"Can handle any depravity. Can deal - WHAT IS THIS?"
"That's you.... and, oh my, Silk Spectre."
"EYES BURNING."
"This artist seems to think she's quite... flexible."
"LEGS DON'T EVEN BEND THAT WAY. PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE."
"The artist was very generous with you."
"STOP SPEAKING OF NETHER REGION. PRIVATE. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT."
"Rorschach, calm down."
“CAN SEE YOU THINKING ABOUT IT.”
“There’s so much!”
"TOO MUCH NAKED. WHY WITH HER?"
"Don't know. Guess people find it.... erotic."
"FILTH. FILTH."
"What are you doing?"
"Must destroy immediately. Must burn. Fire cleanses. Fire cleanses. No nudity in fire. Taking briefcase with me. Don't mention. Especially-“
“Nite Owl!”
"Hey guys."
"Nice of you to stop by."
"Sorry, it was hard to get this thing opened. Looks like someone was banging up against it. You guys all right?"
"Fine, Nite Owl."
"What's in the briefcase?"
"NOTHING. NO BRIEFCASE. NEVER WAS A BRIEFCASE. BRIEFCASE IS LIE."
"O.....K......."
"Well, that was eventful."
"Ozy, is he all right?"
"Rorschach? He'll be fine. It may take a few days for him to wrap his mind around what he's seen, but I think it will all be for the best."
"What was in the briefcase, anyway?"
"Cookies."
x-posted a bit