01/50: pirate stick
Title: Pirate Stick (01: all things to all men)
Characters: Gan Ning/Ling Tong (Zhou Tai/Sun Quan, Lü Meng, Lu Xun)
Rating: PG; 1400w
Notes: The fic really is as boyishly crude as the title implies. 8D; There is no actual porn, but Stuff Happens when the snarky ones are around. :D (Or, Ling Tong's flirting is somewhat nonstandard and Gan Ning is easily provoked. ♥) *ftr Zhou Tai: 25yo ex-pirate, 200cm/6'7"; Gan Ning: 25yo ex-pirate, 181cm/5'11"
"Lu Xun's blush hasn't disappeared in two days," Ling Tong observed, as the scholar in question ran past with his head down on the other side of the courtyard, maybe a half-dozen scrolls in his arms and sandals tapping lightly.
"Y' can't see it anyway under that tan of his," Gan Ning said, not bothering to look. He swaggered his way to the dining hall with his hands behind his head.
Ling Tong was incidentally heading the same way. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size sometime?"
"Ain't no one under Heaven, baby," Gan Ning said with a smirk, and swung his hips so his bells jangled lewdly. "If y'know what I mean."
"Really?" Ling Tong said, tone mild. "I fancy Zhou Youping more than an ample match."
Gan Ning stopped. "What."
Ling Tong just took his leave at the kitchens with a twirl of his fingers.
"What the fuck," Gan Ning said. Then he turned and saw the devil himself standing in the doorway of the officers' mess hall-all nine spans' worth of him-and glared up the extra span of height between them.
Zhou Tai eventually raised a brow when Gan Ning failed to budge. "Can I help you, General…?" he said.
"Shut up," Gan Ning told him with spite. "You just have an unfair advantage." And so said he stomped past, rattling angrily.
Zhou Tai watched him go; then, uncomprehending (though not bothering to be confused), he made his own stoic way from the hall.
*
"Height's got nothin' to do with it anyway," Gan Ning said later. The stars were out and the night was clear. If he tilted his head right and squinted funny, he figured he could almost see the two attendant stars of the northern dipper from the high battlements where he and Ling Tong sat. "You're not bigger than me."
"Are you still thinking about that?" Ling Tong asked, polishing the blade of his polearm. "Your obsession is unspeakably juvenile."
"You ain't seen Zhou Tai naked anyway," Gan Ning told him.
Ling Tong chuckled, derisive of tone. "How would you know? Lord Sun did get him drunk and half undressed in front of us all that once. The idea is not so far removed."
"Yeah?" Gan Ning challenged. "Then tell me if his dick is as scarred up as the rest of him."
"How vicious do you think our enemies are?" Ling Tong scoffed.
"I dunno," Gan Ning smirked. "The Cao clan's pretty nasty, and Liu Bei ain't as nice as he fakes it either. I wouldn't put it past 'em, goin' for the low blow."
"…Zhou Tai's armour would cover him down there as well," Ling Tong said blandly.
"It really doesn't. I checked."
Setting his polearm down, Ling Tong regarded Gan Ning with level incredulity. "You're lucky Lord Sun didn't have your eyes gouged out for that."
"Whatever," Gan Ning said up at the stars, not bothering to feign indifference. He wasn't indifferent about this, not really. "A guy's gotta size up his competition. Y'know what I mean."
"…jealous, aren't you?" Ling Tong said presently.
"Provocative, aren't you?" Gan Ning parroted, because Ling Tong could be a pain in the saddle-
"I don't think that's the form of 'provoke' you want," Ling Tong smiled, sharp. (Point in case.) "But I can easily be both if you wish it."
"You were hummin' a pretty different tune a few seconds ago," Gan Ning said, eyeing his companion sidelong.
"Did I not just say I can be two things at once?" Ling Tong snerked. "I suppose it's a novel concept for one like yourself."
"Asshole," Gan Ning said.
"Dick," Ling Tong responded casually. Then: "Oh darn, I should've come up with something more than just a statement of fact."
Gan Ning glared up through the static between them. It was always this way, but that didn't mean it riled him up any less. "You know, I could'a sworn that mouth of yours had more to offer than just snide remarks," he said.
"Going to ask me to prove it, aren't you?" Ling Tong supposed, looking coolly down.
"Nah," Gan Ning said, sitting up with purpose. He leaned back on locked arms and tried for the cocky look. "I'm just gonna assume you're gonna want to."
Ling Tong made a noise of disdain, but leaned in to Gan Ning's ear nonetheless; his breath and the cool night air ghosted over Gan Ning's skin as he said: "You saviour types honestly think you can just wave a fan and get whatever you want."
Gan Ning had to chuckle at that. "You damsel types've gotta owe us something apart from just your sorry asses, y'know." And this time he did feign the casual threads of his shrug, covering with a smirk. His pulse tended to race easier than Ling Tong's and they both knew it. Hell, this close, Ling Tong could probably see it in his eyes.
Amused, lightly, softly, Ling Tong said, "Did you just call our Lord Sun a sorry damsel? Because I believe Zhou Tai's killed men for lesser offences."
Asshole, Gan Ning thought again, and scowled, dropping the façade. "If we could just not talk about Zhou fucking Tai right now-"
"Then Zhou fucking Quan?" Ling Tong suggested, and laughed even as Gan Ning shoved him bodily back and pinned him to the wooden walkway by the shoulders.
"Shut up or I'll make you, Gongji," he growled down-not that Ling Tong ever showed fear, if he indeed even felt it. (Which was one of the things Gan Ning would never admit appealed to him: not just anybody could get Ling Tong worked up.)
Smiling languidly up, Ling Tong said, "That's more like you talking, Gan Xingba. All hot air and twice more bark than bite."
"Don't say I didn't warn you, masochist," Gan Ning told him, hand forced.
"Hedonist," Ling Tong corrected, eyes light with a smirk that prickled Gan Ning's spine; his hand slid down Gan Ning's chestplate and casually fingered one of Gan Ning's large bells, easily silencing its rattle between them. "Don't get me wrong, sometimes I just like it better when you do all the work."
*
Lü Meng looked up when the front of his tent flapped open and snapped shut and Lu Xun appeared in the middle of it, breathing hard and clearly distracted.
"…back so fast?" Lü Meng asked, concerned. He'd sent Lu Xun out to check the perimeter and night watch, though had expected nothing out of the ordinary. "Is there something amiss?"
Lu Xun's eyes snapped up; he looked almost surprised by Lü Meng's presence. "No. I mean, nothing, Master. No sign of anything wrong; everyone's where they should be. I ran, is all. Everything is perfectly fine."
"…that's good," Lü Meng said. But even if all was well within their camp, the same could clearly not be said for Lu Xun himself. Disregarding the bamboo scroll he'd been studying, Lü Meng rounded the table to Lu Xun's side and moved to press the back of his hand to the scholar's forehead, pausing only when Lu Xun visibly checked a flinch. "Are you feeling alright?" Concerned even more, Lü Meng withdrew his hand. "Your ears are as red as Guan Yu's on strong wine."
Blinking, Lu Xun pressed the backs of his own hands to his heated cheeks then cupped his ears. "No, I'm fine, Master," he said. A small crease appeared between his brows with an expression Lü Meng couldn't read before a smile replaced it, and Lu Xun contrived to look reassuringly merry. "No, I really am okay. How silly of me to be more disturbed by this than when they were sworn enemies, right?"
Thus resolved, he quickly bowed and bid Lü Meng goodnight.
Alone in his tent once more, Lü Meng stood still for some time, trying to make head or tail of his charge's recently strange behaviour. Unable to decipher it and deciding he would have no mind for reading until the issue was resolved, the strategist took up his cloak and stepped outside. Perhaps a personal check of the perimeter and battlements would yield an answer.
Characters: Gan Ning/Ling Tong (Zhou Tai/Sun Quan, Lü Meng, Lu Xun)
Rating: PG; 1400w
Notes: The fic really is as boyishly crude as the title implies. 8D; There is no actual porn, but Stuff Happens when the snarky ones are around. :D (Or, Ling Tong's flirting is somewhat nonstandard and Gan Ning is easily provoked. ♥) *ftr Zhou Tai: 25yo ex-pirate, 200cm/6'7"; Gan Ning: 25yo ex-pirate, 181cm/5'11"
"Lu Xun's blush hasn't disappeared in two days," Ling Tong observed, as the scholar in question ran past with his head down on the other side of the courtyard, maybe a half-dozen scrolls in his arms and sandals tapping lightly.
"Y' can't see it anyway under that tan of his," Gan Ning said, not bothering to look. He swaggered his way to the dining hall with his hands behind his head.
Ling Tong was incidentally heading the same way. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size sometime?"
"Ain't no one under Heaven, baby," Gan Ning said with a smirk, and swung his hips so his bells jangled lewdly. "If y'know what I mean."
"Really?" Ling Tong said, tone mild. "I fancy Zhou Youping more than an ample match."
Gan Ning stopped. "What."
Ling Tong just took his leave at the kitchens with a twirl of his fingers.
"What the fuck," Gan Ning said. Then he turned and saw the devil himself standing in the doorway of the officers' mess hall-all nine spans' worth of him-and glared up the extra span of height between them.
Zhou Tai eventually raised a brow when Gan Ning failed to budge. "Can I help you, General…?" he said.
"Shut up," Gan Ning told him with spite. "You just have an unfair advantage." And so said he stomped past, rattling angrily.
Zhou Tai watched him go; then, uncomprehending (though not bothering to be confused), he made his own stoic way from the hall.
*
"Height's got nothin' to do with it anyway," Gan Ning said later. The stars were out and the night was clear. If he tilted his head right and squinted funny, he figured he could almost see the two attendant stars of the northern dipper from the high battlements where he and Ling Tong sat. "You're not bigger than me."
"Are you still thinking about that?" Ling Tong asked, polishing the blade of his polearm. "Your obsession is unspeakably juvenile."
"You ain't seen Zhou Tai naked anyway," Gan Ning told him.
Ling Tong chuckled, derisive of tone. "How would you know? Lord Sun did get him drunk and half undressed in front of us all that once. The idea is not so far removed."
"Yeah?" Gan Ning challenged. "Then tell me if his dick is as scarred up as the rest of him."
"How vicious do you think our enemies are?" Ling Tong scoffed.
"I dunno," Gan Ning smirked. "The Cao clan's pretty nasty, and Liu Bei ain't as nice as he fakes it either. I wouldn't put it past 'em, goin' for the low blow."
"…Zhou Tai's armour would cover him down there as well," Ling Tong said blandly.
"It really doesn't. I checked."
Setting his polearm down, Ling Tong regarded Gan Ning with level incredulity. "You're lucky Lord Sun didn't have your eyes gouged out for that."
"Whatever," Gan Ning said up at the stars, not bothering to feign indifference. He wasn't indifferent about this, not really. "A guy's gotta size up his competition. Y'know what I mean."
"…jealous, aren't you?" Ling Tong said presently.
"Provocative, aren't you?" Gan Ning parroted, because Ling Tong could be a pain in the saddle-
"I don't think that's the form of 'provoke' you want," Ling Tong smiled, sharp. (Point in case.) "But I can easily be both if you wish it."
"You were hummin' a pretty different tune a few seconds ago," Gan Ning said, eyeing his companion sidelong.
"Did I not just say I can be two things at once?" Ling Tong snerked. "I suppose it's a novel concept for one like yourself."
"Asshole," Gan Ning said.
"Dick," Ling Tong responded casually. Then: "Oh darn, I should've come up with something more than just a statement of fact."
Gan Ning glared up through the static between them. It was always this way, but that didn't mean it riled him up any less. "You know, I could'a sworn that mouth of yours had more to offer than just snide remarks," he said.
"Going to ask me to prove it, aren't you?" Ling Tong supposed, looking coolly down.
"Nah," Gan Ning said, sitting up with purpose. He leaned back on locked arms and tried for the cocky look. "I'm just gonna assume you're gonna want to."
Ling Tong made a noise of disdain, but leaned in to Gan Ning's ear nonetheless; his breath and the cool night air ghosted over Gan Ning's skin as he said: "You saviour types honestly think you can just wave a fan and get whatever you want."
Gan Ning had to chuckle at that. "You damsel types've gotta owe us something apart from just your sorry asses, y'know." And this time he did feign the casual threads of his shrug, covering with a smirk. His pulse tended to race easier than Ling Tong's and they both knew it. Hell, this close, Ling Tong could probably see it in his eyes.
Amused, lightly, softly, Ling Tong said, "Did you just call our Lord Sun a sorry damsel? Because I believe Zhou Tai's killed men for lesser offences."
Asshole, Gan Ning thought again, and scowled, dropping the façade. "If we could just not talk about Zhou fucking Tai right now-"
"Then Zhou fucking Quan?" Ling Tong suggested, and laughed even as Gan Ning shoved him bodily back and pinned him to the wooden walkway by the shoulders.
"Shut up or I'll make you, Gongji," he growled down-not that Ling Tong ever showed fear, if he indeed even felt it. (Which was one of the things Gan Ning would never admit appealed to him: not just anybody could get Ling Tong worked up.)
Smiling languidly up, Ling Tong said, "That's more like you talking, Gan Xingba. All hot air and twice more bark than bite."
"Don't say I didn't warn you, masochist," Gan Ning told him, hand forced.
"Hedonist," Ling Tong corrected, eyes light with a smirk that prickled Gan Ning's spine; his hand slid down Gan Ning's chestplate and casually fingered one of Gan Ning's large bells, easily silencing its rattle between them. "Don't get me wrong, sometimes I just like it better when you do all the work."
*
Lü Meng looked up when the front of his tent flapped open and snapped shut and Lu Xun appeared in the middle of it, breathing hard and clearly distracted.
"…back so fast?" Lü Meng asked, concerned. He'd sent Lu Xun out to check the perimeter and night watch, though had expected nothing out of the ordinary. "Is there something amiss?"
Lu Xun's eyes snapped up; he looked almost surprised by Lü Meng's presence. "No. I mean, nothing, Master. No sign of anything wrong; everyone's where they should be. I ran, is all. Everything is perfectly fine."
"…that's good," Lü Meng said. But even if all was well within their camp, the same could clearly not be said for Lu Xun himself. Disregarding the bamboo scroll he'd been studying, Lü Meng rounded the table to Lu Xun's side and moved to press the back of his hand to the scholar's forehead, pausing only when Lu Xun visibly checked a flinch. "Are you feeling alright?" Concerned even more, Lü Meng withdrew his hand. "Your ears are as red as Guan Yu's on strong wine."
Blinking, Lu Xun pressed the backs of his own hands to his heated cheeks then cupped his ears. "No, I'm fine, Master," he said. A small crease appeared between his brows with an expression Lü Meng couldn't read before a smile replaced it, and Lu Xun contrived to look reassuringly merry. "No, I really am okay. How silly of me to be more disturbed by this than when they were sworn enemies, right?"
Thus resolved, he quickly bowed and bid Lü Meng goodnight.
Alone in his tent once more, Lü Meng stood still for some time, trying to make head or tail of his charge's recently strange behaviour. Unable to decipher it and deciding he would have no mind for reading until the issue was resolved, the strategist took up his cloak and stepped outside. Perhaps a personal check of the perimeter and battlements would yield an answer.