Time keeps rolling on
Friday was such a stressful day, pretty much from the moment I realized my Adecco tempt wrangler had left me an e-mail asking what my availability for the day was. We setup a meeting for the early afternoon, which really sort of blew apart the rest of my morning. With nerves. One way or the other I'd know. Which I wanted, but didn't help the epic panic attack.
I skipped lunch, for sitting in a rocking chair on the first floor, trying valiantly to sip a small peppermint chai, staring at a stray metallic blue balloon on the ceiling, rambling. Because my nerves were shot. The last hour was actually probably the worst of the whole day. Getting nauseous pretty much every time my eyes drug to the tiny clock at the corner of my work computer.
The meeting went really well. Or well enough. I need a term here that isn't bad or good, but I'm not positive what it is. I got the lovely "We have loved everything you've done, and who you are and the work you've done, but..." speech. They'll already be looking for another job for me, My wrangler person even told me not to call the lady at the main place, because he'd call her for me, to start the search.
And I stopped by Kelly on my way home, because that's the kind of person I am, because Kelly is the people who got me this job eleven months ago, and every other one, too. So they'll be starting a search for me as on Monday at eight, too. I haven't lost anything I wasn't ever promised more. But still.
It made for a really interesting yesterday, when people would ask me So, how are you doing? And I'd pause for a second, before I'd settle on blatant honesty, because these people are family, are tribe. I left my girlfriend a month ago, and I found out yesterday my yearlong job is gone in three weeks. But somehow. I'm here, laughing and smiling still. I got up this morning, and managed to put on pants, to see the naming/blessing of the most adorable, miracle, one month old I've met in ages.
...time keeps moving on?
So that's...where I am right now. In that quiet bubble. The one that did at least manage three hours of people yesterday, the whole of ritual and some socializing, before running away. Trying valiantly not to freak out or get depressed. Because time does keep rolling on.
Because somehow I've made it a whole month and a week since a month and week ago. And that was only my heart, and this is only my work, that pays the bills. Because I do trust my companies to find me more work. Because at 11:11 I still didn't wish for this job, I wished for the same thing I always wish for.
To be happy. Because I trust the universe knows what that is, bigger and wider and more domino effecting than my limited human sight could ever comprehend. And it gave me this, when I needed it. When what I wanted and asked for more than anything was to be able to afford the fall of her life. And so it'll give me whatever I need for next year, too.
I have to have faith in that. Or at least try to. Or really just to accept that I don't even try to have the faith, it just exists in tandem with all the human emotions, regardless of them. Quiet, set, certain in the corner. Because there is no part of me that believes I stop here, the world stops here, all darkness will come. Not even for a second. Not even with how heavy it still is.
And when I'm tired of the world, like I am this weekend, to just curl up in my bed, in the silence of my house, without many people in my head or my space at all, where I've cleaned everything and my roommate brought home the new Godiva Christmas line, from our favorite manager out of the store back room, just do and take in those things that make me feel safe. At least for a little while longer.
I skipped lunch, for sitting in a rocking chair on the first floor, trying valiantly to sip a small peppermint chai, staring at a stray metallic blue balloon on the ceiling, rambling. Because my nerves were shot. The last hour was actually probably the worst of the whole day. Getting nauseous pretty much every time my eyes drug to the tiny clock at the corner of my work computer.
The meeting went really well. Or well enough. I need a term here that isn't bad or good, but I'm not positive what it is. I got the lovely "We have loved everything you've done, and who you are and the work you've done, but..." speech. They'll already be looking for another job for me, My wrangler person even told me not to call the lady at the main place, because he'd call her for me, to start the search.
And I stopped by Kelly on my way home, because that's the kind of person I am, because Kelly is the people who got me this job eleven months ago, and every other one, too. So they'll be starting a search for me as on Monday at eight, too. I haven't lost anything I wasn't ever promised more. But still.
It made for a really interesting yesterday, when people would ask me So, how are you doing? And I'd pause for a second, before I'd settle on blatant honesty, because these people are family, are tribe. I left my girlfriend a month ago, and I found out yesterday my yearlong job is gone in three weeks. But somehow. I'm here, laughing and smiling still. I got up this morning, and managed to put on pants, to see the naming/blessing of the most adorable, miracle, one month old I've met in ages.
...time keeps moving on?
So that's...where I am right now. In that quiet bubble. The one that did at least manage three hours of people yesterday, the whole of ritual and some socializing, before running away. Trying valiantly not to freak out or get depressed. Because time does keep rolling on.
Because somehow I've made it a whole month and a week since a month and week ago. And that was only my heart, and this is only my work, that pays the bills. Because I do trust my companies to find me more work. Because at 11:11 I still didn't wish for this job, I wished for the same thing I always wish for.
To be happy. Because I trust the universe knows what that is, bigger and wider and more domino effecting than my limited human sight could ever comprehend. And it gave me this, when I needed it. When what I wanted and asked for more than anything was to be able to afford the fall of her life. And so it'll give me whatever I need for next year, too.
I have to have faith in that. Or at least try to. Or really just to accept that I don't even try to have the faith, it just exists in tandem with all the human emotions, regardless of them. Quiet, set, certain in the corner. Because there is no part of me that believes I stop here, the world stops here, all darkness will come. Not even for a second. Not even with how heavy it still is.
And when I'm tired of the world, like I am this weekend, to just curl up in my bed, in the silence of my house, without many people in my head or my space at all, where I've cleaned everything and my roommate brought home the new Godiva Christmas line, from our favorite manager out of the store back room, just do and take in those things that make me feel safe. At least for a little while longer.