I've been thinking a lot today.
I'm not up to feeling, but there's been a whole lot of thinking. RCG weekends do this to me. Upheaval and annoyance can move it, as can the sudden down fall of employment, but I've been thinking a lot.
I'm not too worried about my job thing. I don't understand it, at all, but I'm not too worried. I really can't tell if it's because a) I'm too bone-deep exhausted to even panic about how warped the economic numbers of the month have become or b) I'm really beginning to honestly believe, in the depth of my skin and my breath, that if something happened it was supposed to and the universe will provide.
I'm hoping it's the later. I haven't thought as much about this.
At least not as much as I think I should be thinking about it.
I finally slept more than five hours of sleep last night.
I've spent time with My Girl and Earl today. Talking and not talking. Eating bean soup and steak. Buying Yankee Candles for the winter months (to be covered later) and Victoria's Secret free-be-mail card underwear (with silver snowflakes!). My Girl lets me have silence, and Earl keeps me laughing. They are so different, and so very much the same, so very much the beats of my heart.
They let me process, and really, what it comes down to tonight, while unpacking my suitcase and finally getting to put it away, for the first time in six weekends, and then cleaning up piles of jackets and piles of card sets and toys left everywhere during that time, is that I am an adult.
And in being as such, it's not my responsibility to mother the situations in my life where other people refuse to be. It's not my responsibility to save people from the repercussions they earn for themselves. Forgiveness and compassion and love, yes. Babying and blindness and boundarylessness, no.
In two days I'm about to step up and help lead the group that has over and over instilled the lesson of my taking care of myself and seeing to my own needs, and what that honestly looks like in a healthy system. I keep staring at the ribbon on my wall that reads I will lead, and I will learn.
Somewhere in that second one I think it's also starting to mean, I will stop taking the crap I shouldn't, too. The lessons people earn are the ones they need, and that you do them no kindness is stealing them from the learner. I've never been good with this truth, but I'm feeling less inclined to disagree tonight.
I'm not too worried about my job thing. I don't understand it, at all, but I'm not too worried. I really can't tell if it's because a) I'm too bone-deep exhausted to even panic about how warped the economic numbers of the month have become or b) I'm really beginning to honestly believe, in the depth of my skin and my breath, that if something happened it was supposed to and the universe will provide.
I'm hoping it's the later. I haven't thought as much about this.
At least not as much as I think I should be thinking about it.
I finally slept more than five hours of sleep last night.
I've spent time with My Girl and Earl today. Talking and not talking. Eating bean soup and steak. Buying Yankee Candles for the winter months (to be covered later) and Victoria's Secret free-be-mail card underwear (with silver snowflakes!). My Girl lets me have silence, and Earl keeps me laughing. They are so different, and so very much the same, so very much the beats of my heart.
They let me process, and really, what it comes down to tonight, while unpacking my suitcase and finally getting to put it away, for the first time in six weekends, and then cleaning up piles of jackets and piles of card sets and toys left everywhere during that time, is that I am an adult.
And in being as such, it's not my responsibility to mother the situations in my life where other people refuse to be. It's not my responsibility to save people from the repercussions they earn for themselves. Forgiveness and compassion and love, yes. Babying and blindness and boundarylessness, no.
In two days I'm about to step up and help lead the group that has over and over instilled the lesson of my taking care of myself and seeing to my own needs, and what that honestly looks like in a healthy system. I keep staring at the ribbon on my wall that reads I will lead, and I will learn.
Somewhere in that second one I think it's also starting to mean, I will stop taking the crap I shouldn't, too. The lessons people earn are the ones they need, and that you do them no kindness is stealing them from the learner. I've never been good with this truth, but I'm feeling less inclined to disagree tonight.