What You Mean to Me (Right Now) Part Five
He takes care of himself the best he can, but it doesn't stop Gwen from telling him he looks pale the next time he is in her office.
"I've felt okay," he says, and she turns to note that in her computer.
"It says that your temperature was up." She sticks her head into the hallway and calls for a nurse. When the nurse returns, she's carrying one of the thermometers that makes Arthur think of all the cheesy science fiction movies he's ever seen. Gwen cleans it with an alcohol wipe while Arthur tries to clear his head of all thoughts. It may just be a thermometer, but as Gwen swipes it across his forehead, he's not entirely convinced that it's not reading his mind.
"You definitely have a fever," Gwen says. She sets down the thermometer and bends to check his leg again. "Your amputation site looks fine, though. No sign of an infection. In fact, this is the best I've seen it look. Is there anything you're not telling me about?"
"I don't think so," Arthur says, absently scratching at the underside of his arm. Gwen tracks his movement and catches his hand.
"Push the gown off your shoulders." She steps around behind him so that she can see his back. She gasps. "What is going on back here?"
Arthur cranes his head to try and see, but whatever she's so worried about is out of his line of sight. "I have a bug bite or something back there. No big deal."
"This isn't a bug bite, love. It looks more like an abscess." The concern in Gwen's voice makes Arthur's blood run cold. "I'm going to send you over to hospital and have them test it to be sure, but I think you have a staph infection."
"What does that mean, exactly?" Arthur grabs Gwen's gloved hand. "Guinevere. Please be honest with me."
"It could mean any number of things," she says and squeezes his hand in hers. He worries for a second that he's going to manage to crush her smaller fingers in his large hand, but after a moment, she extracts herself and pulls out a pen and prescription pad. She scribbles on it and hands it to him, and even though her handwriting is clear and precise, the words on it might as well be jibberish. "There's no telling until you get tested. If they think it's antibiotic resistant, you'll be checked in. Where do you think you might have picked it up?"
When Arthur responds with a blank stare she begins to prompt him. "Have you spent time in any place unsanitary recently? Or any place where you might have shared equipment?"
"Like my gym?" Arthur says, "I wipe everything down before I use it."
"These things happen," Gwen says, and even though he can tell she's trying to be soothing, it's not working. He bounces his left leg up and down. "Infection spreads in public places."
"All the more reason for me to be a monk." Arthur reaches down to buckle on his prosthesis. Gwen gives him a sad smile before leaving the room to let him change back into his clothes. She's waiting in the hall for him when he finishes.
"We've called ahead to let them know you're coming, and they have orders to call me as soon as they know something." She grabs his hand and squeezes it again. "Don't panic. There's no point in worrying until we know for sure."
"The last time I went to hospital, I came out minus a limb. And antibiotic resistant staph doesn't make me think that anything good can come of this." He watches the uncertainty flicker across Gwen's face and that makes his heart seize more than anything she has said to him. "I don't want to go through that again."
Her eyes are sad as she waves him off.
Arthur should call the office, should let his secretary know that he won't be in today or perhaps for the rest of the week, but as he drives through the late morning traffic on his way to hospital, he can't bring himself to push that button. Instead, when he reaches the hospital's car park, he pulls out his mobile and calls Merlin.
It's the middle of the day, so he's not expecting Merlin to pick up. He's just about to click off before it goes to Merlin's voice mail when he hears, "Hello? Arthur?"
He's momentary shocked into silence until he hears Merlin ask, "Arthur? Are you there?" There's a pause and then, "Did you arse dial me?"
"I bloody well did not arse dial you."
Merlin laughs, and the sound is so familiar and so missed that Arthur feels something churn in his gut. "So you didn't arse dial me, and you didn't lose my number, after all."
"No. I didn't." Arthur's throat is dry. "I'm guessing you didn't lose mine, either, since you knew who was calling."
"Whose arse was calling," Merlin says with that way he has of ignoring the point Arthur was trying to make. There is silence for close to a minute and Arthur wonders if perhaps Merlin hung up, if he only kept Arthur's number so he would know when not to answer, and for some reason just forgot.
"I think," Merlin says, just when Arthur is about to pull his phone away from his ear and see if the display still shows his call as connected, "I think that you, or your arse, wouldn't be calling me unless you had a very good reason. So why are you calling, Arthur?"
"I-" He tries to tell Merlin about Gwen's diagnosis, tries to say that he's at hospital and that he's not certain what condition he'll be in when he leaves, but what comes out is, "I missed you."
Merlin's voice is not unkind, but there is an edge to it, and Arthur wonders if perhaps he did catch Merlin in an unguarded moment. Perhaps Merlin never meant to answer his phone at all.
"Can I ask why you decided this at half-past eleven on a Wednesday morning?"
"I'm at hospital," Arthur says. He tries to swallow, but his throat feels like it's closing up. "Gwen wanted to run some tests."
Merlin's voice softens, and on the other end of the line there's a subtle clink as Merlin sets down whatever it is he was working on. "What's wrong?"
"Gwen thinks I have a staph infection. I'm not even sure what that means."
"It could be nothing," Merlin pauses, "or it can be pretty dangerous. It depends on how your body is reacting and where the infection site is. What did Gwen say?"
"She's worried about it enough that she felt like sending me to hospital to have it swabbed would be the best course of action."
"And how do you feel about that?"
"Christ, Merlin. You're not my therapist."
"No, I'm not. Is that what you need today? A therapist?"
Arthur takes a deep breath. "Today I need a friend. But I think that, especially after today, it would probably be in my best interest to go see a therapist. There's still plenty that I need to work out, whether I like talking about it or not."
"Are you scared?"
"Of the therapist? I'm terrified. I've hated all the people Gwen forced me to see in the past."
There's that laughter again, and Arthur thinks that maybe Merlin really has let his guard down. "Arthur."
"Merlin, I-"
Arthur tries to get it out but can't find his voice. He's standing in the middle of a car park in the middle of London in the middle of the day, people teeming around him in this giant city, and he's never felt more alone. He realises that he's clutching his iPhone like it's the only thing tethering him to the earth. He's silent for long enough that Merlin starts saying his name, over and over.
"Merlin," Arthur manages to say, "Merlin, what if they want to do surgery? What if they want to take my arm? I can't go through that again."
"Which hospital?"
"King's College." Arthur tries to swallow past the lump in his throat. He's more grateful than he could ever say.
"Give me half an hour," Merlin says and rings off. Arthur stares down at his mobile for several moments before pocketing it and heading into the hospital.
He queues to check-in and tries to be polite and orderly as they hand him forms to fill out and tell him to take a seat. He doesn't wave the forms that Gwen gave him around or throw his father's name about like he has a desperate desire to do, only because he knows it won't do him any good. By the time Merlin arrives, Arthur's spent ten minutes glaring at the forms he's supposed to be filling out.
"It's not the clipboard's fault, you know," Merlin says as he takes the empty seat to Arthur's right. "Sorry it took me so long to get here. This place is harder to get into than St. Mungo's."
"St. Mungo's had crap security." Arthur glances at Merlin out of the corner of his eye. Merlin's eyes are straight forward but he knocks his knee against Arthur's, and in an instant, Arthur feels calmer about the whole situation. "So did the Ministry of Magic, for that matter."
Merlin nudges Arthur's knee again. "It was probably because the Aurors expected to guard the Ministry were the ones who were too old and fat to do patrols any more."
Arthur is about to respond, to tell Merlin that perhaps he's thought just a little too hard about all of this, when his name is called. He stands, the clipboard clutched in his hands. Merlin stands as well and places a hand on Arthur's shoulder.
"Do you want me to go back with you?"
Arthur has to swallow hard before he can even think of an answer, and even then he just nods as the nurse calls his name again. Merlin moves his hand to cup Arthur's elbow and steers him in the direction of the nurse.
"How long before we know anything?" Arthur asks the tech who comes into the room with a handful of swabs and introduces herself as Melinda. He feels like he's spent all afternoon in this tiny room and once again finds himself thankful for Merlin's presence. The technician grins at him, showing a mouthful of braces that makes Arthur wonder at her age, and pulls on a pair of latex gloves.
"Dr. Dulac asked for a STAT on the order," Melinda says. "Normally it would tick me off if I had a doctor put that on the paperwork they sent us. I've got more than enough to do in the lab and everyone wants everything rushed, yeah?"
Arthur nods like he knows what she's talking about and she continues.
"But for Dr. Dulac I'd do just about anything. She's fantastic, isn't she?"
"You know Dr. Dulac?"
Melinda beams, and Arthur thinks that he might be blinded by the glare of the fluorescent lights overhead bouncing off of her smile.
"Of course I do. She's been my doc since I moved down to London for uni. She's the one who told me I could get a leg just for swimming. I'd never been swimming in my life before- always too worried I couldn't do it without drowning or someone freaking out on me. But no one even noticed when I stepped out of the changing room with the prosthesis that she made for me, or at least they acted like they didn't. The lifeguard told me later that there were several people at the pool who had all kinds of prostheses."
"That was nice of him." Arthur is unsure of what he's supposed to say. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Merlin biting his lip to keep from laughing, but he's failing miserably. Arthur plans on telling him so as soon as they leave.
"He had to say something encouraging to me," the technician says as she opens up a swab and begins to run it along the underside of Arthur's arm and across the lower part of his shoulder. "He had to pull me out of the pool when I nearly drowned."
"What?" Arthur is unsurprised to find that he and Merlin are speaking in stereo. The tech smiles.
"Oh, yeah. I was so excited to get to swim that I forgot I didn't know how. Jumped right in and had to be rescued." She shrugs and caps off the swab. "Can't say it was an entirely bad experience. He offered to teach me how to swim and now I live with him. You're lucky, though. I can't get him to come to a doctor's appointment with me for anything. Says doctors give him the willies, even nice ones like Dr. Dulac. Good boyfriends, in my opinion, at least offer."
"But he saved your life, so that has to count for something," Merlin points out, and Melinda giggles to herself as she finishes up. Arthur refuses to look in Merlin's direction.
"Oh, it counts for a lot," she says with a sigh. She turns to face Arthur again. "The hospital will let Dr. Dulac know the results sometime in the next twenty-four hours, then it will be up to her to inform you. You're free to go."
She leaves the room in a blur. Arthur stares after her in stunned silence while Merlin doubles over in his chair with laughter, his face buried in his hands.
"What do you think she tells patients when she doesn't like their doctor?" he asks finally, looking up at Arthur, still perched on the examination table, shirtless and in a state of shock.
"I can't even begin to imagine." Arthur starts to pull on his shirt. Merlin gets out of his chair and comes to stand in between Arthur's legs. Arthur freezes and Merlin leans in closer.
"Arthur, what she said about the swimming- not about the drowning&ndash' but about just jumping in and going for it was pretty damn wise. She didn't let anything hold her back, even though she'd never tried before."
"Are you trying to come up with some kind of cutesy parallel to our situation?"
Merlin sighs. "No, I'm not. Or fuck, maybe I am. But this is what I wanted to tell you the last time we talked, I just couldn't manage to say anything right that day. I wanted to tell you that you amaze me sometimes with how strong you are."
"If that's how you fight, then maybe we need to work on your debate skills." Arthur narrows his eyes at Merlin who rolls his own and places his forehead against Arthur's.
"If it makes you feel any better, I was also going to tell you that I think you're a stuborn arse when you get an idea in your head."
Arthur manages to crack a smile. "Now them's fightin' words. And I could say the same thing about you."
"I am a stubborn arse, you're right, and I drink too much. We could go our faults for days and we wouldn't get anywhere." Merlin places both hands on the examination table on either side of Arthur's thighs and Arthur feels like he's surrounded and right where he wants to be all at once. The rhythm of his breathing stutters and changes to match Merlin's.
"Here's the the thing," Merlin continues, and he's so close. All Arthur would have to do is lean forward, tilt his mouth up just an inch and while all of their problems wouldn't magically be solved, but they would be moving in that direction. "The thing is that I'd rather put up with your stubborn arse and have you try to put up with mine than for us to try and do it on our own again. I've been miserable these last few weeks, even maybe even more than when Will died, because you were so close. I've missed you."
Arthur knows he should say things like 'I missed you, too,' or 'We should probably talk about this,' or 'We were probably both at fault but I was maybe a bit more so,' but he doesn't. Instead he closes the distance between them and presses his lips to Merlin's, just a light touch, the barest pressure.
Merlin takes up the challenge and meets Arthur more than halfway, leaning Arthur back towards the examination table, one hand fisting in the collar of Arthur's shirt. Merlin's other hand is sliding up Arthur's thigh when there's a knock at the door.
"Is this room available?" Melinda the lab tech calls out. "We have another patient that needs it. STAT."
Merlin groans and flops his forehead down to Arthur's shoulder. Arthur prods at him.
"You heard the lady. She said STAT."
Merlin groans again and levers himself off of Arthur, who hadn't realised just how compromising a position Melinda would have found them in had she entered the room.
"I thought she wasn't fond of that word," Merlin says. Arthur gives him a wry grin and tugs on Merlin's hand to lead him out the door when he stops and looks down at himself.
"You were going to let me leave without buttoning up my shirt?" he asks Merlin, who shrugs and attempts to look innocent.
"I can't say I didn't notice, but I will say I prefer you without it." He starts to do Arthur's buttons from the top while Arthur does them from the bottom and when they meet, Merlin takes both of Arthur's hands in his.
"Let's get out of here, STAT. Someplace where we can talk, yeah?"
Arthur laughs and squeezes Merlin's hands. "The last thing you want to do is talk."
**********
They are silent on the way back to Arthur's flat. Arthur's nerves are shot and he swears under his breath as he navigates his car through the beginnings of the afternoon rush-hour. They were at the hospital for longer than he'd thought.
"Are you sure I don't need to take you back by the apothecary?" he asks right before he turns down the street where he lives. Merlin has been bouncing one knee up and down in the passenger's seat and Arthur is thankful that Merlin looks just as nervous as Arthur feels.
"I told Gaius I wasn't sure when I'd return and he told me to take the week." Merlin takes a deep breath then reaches out and places a hand over Arthur's on the gear shift. "If he ever does decide to retire I'll never get the day off again."
Arthur tries not to notice the small smiles bestowed upon the two of them by members of the building staff as they head up to Arthur's flat. He knows that Merlin charms everyone he comes into contact with, save the first time he and Arthur met, and it is unsurprising that Merlin is well known. He wonders what it must look like to see this reconciliation from the outside, but then shakes off the thought. He's still trying to figure out what it means to him.
"We should probably talk about this." Merlin echoes Arthur's thoughts as they step onto the lift. He's holding Arthur's wrist in one hand and running his thumb on the sensitive inside. "I'm not willing to lose you again if you decide for some reason that you're going to get stuck on a point you don't want to talk to me about."
"I was telling the truth when I said I would start going to therapy again. I came to a lot of realisations in a very short amount of time today. One was that I need to talk to someone how I feel, as frightening as that is for me." Arthur takes a deep breath and turns to face Merlin. "The other was that if they decide they want to take my arm, I can't go through it by myself. I know that Leon was willing to stand with me before, but I wouldn't let him. I didn't want him to see me broken."
Merlin leans forward and brushes his lips across Arthur's forehead. "I told you before, you're the only person in this relationship who sees you as anything less than whole. And if they have to take your arm, they'll do so, but you'll still be the same infuriating, gorgeous man that I met before."
The lift dings and the doors slide open, and it takes Arthur a minute to remember how to propel himself forward. Merlin tugs on his wrist and ushers him down the hall then crowds Arthur up against the door as he tries to fit the key into the lock.
"I seem to recall having been here before," Arthur says. Merlin laughs into the nape of Arthur's neck, his breath warm against Arthur's skin.
"Enough talking," Merlin says as the door opens. "We have all night to talk."
"We have all night to do everything else, too," Arthur points out, but Merlin already has his hands on Arthur's belt. Arthur puts his hands over Merlin's to still them. "Didn't you have some very specific fantasies about my kitchen?"
Merlin's eyes darken and he squeezes Arthur's hands. "Don't agree to things just because you think I want them."
"Have I ever?" Arthur lets his hands slide up Merlin's chest until he's cupping Merlin's face in one hand, running his thumb over the full bottom lip that had first attracted his attention. "You think I didn't play over those words in my mind for the last few weeks? I'm very good at making myself forget fantasies, but I knew that if I ever managed to get you back here again, I'd try to make good on everything you asked of me."
Merlin grins and kisses Arthur's thumb, then sucks it into his mouth. He kisses the palm of Arthur's hand before threading his own fingers in Arthur's hair and pulling him in to trace his tongue over the shape of Arthur's mouth. They kiss for a long time in the middle of Arthur's foyer, slow and deep, with none of the urgency Arthur would have expected.
"How about we make good on all my kitchen fantasies later," Merlin says and begins to shuffle Arthur back towards the bedroom. Arthur goes willingly, shedding his clothing and attacking Merlin's along the way.
"On all of them? How many do you have?"
"A few. I like the one where I come home and you're cooking dinner wearing nothing but a frilly pinny."
Arthur shudders, though he's not sure if it's from horror or from what Merlin's doing to his neck. "That sounds dangerous. All those sharp objects and hot oil. Something vital might be injured."
"That's why I suggested the bedroom for this time. Soft place to land and all that." Merlin pauses to push down his trousers and step out of them. "And condoms and lube."
"You mean you're not prepared? I thought you said you were a Scout."
Merlin pushes Arthur down onto the bed and stands over him. "Do you not know anything about me? I was a terrible Scout."
"Now that I believe."
Arthur sets his hands on Merlin's waist and rubs his thumbs along Merlin's hipbones, making Merlin shiver. "I can't promise that I'm going to be able to do anything wild and crazy."
"I'm not asking you to. I just want to know what it feels like to have you inside me, and I think you want to know what it feels like to be there."
Arthur's breath catches in his throat. "I do."
In the end, it's not perfect. Arthur manages to rip the first and second condoms he tries to roll on. There's a moment where there's not enough lube and Merlin isn't shy in saying so. It takes them a while to find each others' rhythms again, and once when Merlin tries to lean back and kiss Arthur, they end up butting heads. Arthur comes much faster than Merlin did the first time they fucked the other way round, and Arthur has to drag himself out of a post-orgasmic bliss to give Merlin head, but Merlin points out later that sex usually isn't perfect. Sweaty and sticky, Arthur musters up enough energy to punch him in the shoulder. Merlin just laughs.
"I'm not saying that I want to stop having sex, don't get me wrong. It's never going to stop being fun. I just think that somewhere along the way it became stuck in your head that it has to be something perfect. Sex is messy and sometimes you fall or bump into things or-"
"-or crack your skull on your boyfriend's head. I understand, and I know that. I just needed reminding, I guess."
Merlin cups Arthur's chin in his hands. "I'm happy to remind you anytime you want. Or have you remind me."
Arthur rolls them over so that Merlin is the little spoon and tucks right knee between Merlin's. "I might need a lesson in stamina rather than a reminder of how some things can be imperfect but still be exactly what you need."
Merlin yawns and snuggles back closer to Arthur. "I think that can be arranged."
**********
"Turns out it is a staph infection, but it's not antibiotic resistant," Gwen says over the phone the next day. "I'm sorry I worried you over nothing. I have a cream I can prescribe if you want me to call that in."
Arthur glances at Merlin lying asleep in his bed, naked and taking up two thirds of the mattress. "Can you call that in to Boots for me? My pharmacist is out of the office today."
**********
Arthur watches to makes sure someone invites the newest member of their group for tea.
He shouldn't have worried. Melinda bounces right up to her, and Arthur hears her say that some of them usually go to the Cafe Nero down the road after meetings and it's kind of a continuation of things but more casual and no pressure but would she like to join? Anusha pales visibly at Melinda's bounciness but nods and agrees to come along while, around them, people stand and stretch and pack their bags.
Arthur is about to stand himself, to shake hands with the last few stragglers and prepare to leave, when two arms slide across his shoulders.
"Things look like they're going well." Merlin squeezes Arthur's chest then comes around the chair to stand beside him.
"We keep growing, if that's what you mean by well." Arthur leans in and kisses Merlin's cheek. "Is Mordred prepared for you to spend the next few days away?"
Merlin frowns. "I hope so. I've only been training him for six months, but I told him that Gaius was on call if he needed someone and to not be afraid to ask. Gaius is bored to tears being retired. I doubt Mordred will need him, though. He's been pretty intense about learning everything he could."
"That's one way to look at it."
Melinda is linked arm in prosthetic arm with Anusha as she stops by to say hello to Merlin. "Have fun at the wedding," she tells them and pulls a flustered Anusha out the door.
"Don't scare her off," Arthur calls after the two of them and Merlin grins.
"Thank god for her," he says and does a fair amount of tugging of his own on Arthur's hand. "You never would have managed to get this support group up and running if it wasn't for her being willing to talk to people about their feelings when you're too afraid to."
"I am not afraid," Arthur says. "I just prefer listening to other people talk about theirs rather than discussing mine."
Merlin stops him in the doorway of the church hall Gaius's lady friend helped them find when they first starting having more people show up to meetings than would fit in the waiting room of Gwen's surgery after hours. He backs Arthur up against the door jam and kisses him, flicking his tongue out to brush against Arthur's only once before seeming to remember where they are and straightening up.
His voice is gruff when he asks,
"Did you remember the suitcases?"
"Is that what was sitting next to the door this morning? I nearly tripped over them, you know."
"Yes, yes, poor you" Merlin says and leans in to steal another kiss before Arthur pushes him away.
"Traffic's going to be a nightmare if we don't leave now."
"It's going to be a nightmare anyway. Why did Gwaine and Leon decide they wanted to get married in the country, anyway?"
Arthur blinks at the bright summer sunshine when they step out of the church. "Elena's father is letting them use his property. Provided, of course, that it never gets out that he let a gay wedding take place on his estate."
He can't tell, but he's sure Merlin is rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses. Arthur hits the button on the keyless entry and the car's lights flash. "I suppose your father will be there."
"He sends his regards. Not publicly, of course, but I have been made aware of a rather substantial cheque he wrote. My father always liked Leon."
Merlin gives him a little shove towards the driver's side of the car. "Of course he has."
"He likes you too, you know." Arthur takes Merlin's hand in his, not caring that they're blocking sidewalk traffic. "My father likes that you make me happy."
"I like making you happy. Speaking of parents, I talked to my mum today and she's planning to head into London soon. I told her she could stay with us."
Arthur doesn't answer but gives Merlin a smile as he clicks the button on the key fob again. He'd heard the click of the doors relocking themselves as they'd stood there. He checks oncoming traffic before stepping out into the road and climbing into the car.
"This weekend is going to be more or less unbearable, you know that right?" he asks as Merlin slides into the passenger seat. Merlin pushes his aviators up his nose and buckles his seat belt.
"Gwen and Elena are going to be comparing the size of their baby bumps all weekend," he says. His grin is so wide that Arthur can see the crinkles around his eyes even past the giant sunglasses. "And Percival and Lancelot are going to be acting like they're the first two men to ever manage the trick of getting their wives pregnant."
"Lance has already been unbearable." Arthur turns on his indicator and inches his way out into the afternoon traffic. "Did you know he stopped drinking while Gwen can't?"
Merlin reaches out and rests his hand over Arthur's on the gearshift, and Arthur fights a smile of his own. It's become their default position whenever they drive anywhere, and even though he pretends he doesn't enjoy it, he often feels bereft during his workday commute when Merlin takes the Tube.
"You'll dance with me at the reception, won't you?" Merlin asks and squeezes Arthur's hand. "Even though Gwaine and Leon and Elena and Percival and Morgana-"
"-and her new boyfriend."
"Didn't know Tristan was coming." Merlin takes his hand off of Arthur's and traces a finger over Arthur's jaw. Arthur shivers and swats at his hand.
"Stop trying to distract me."
"Stop trying to change the subject. Even though it will be in front of everyone, and Gwaine and Leon will have horrible music picked out if I know either one of them at all, you'll still dance with me?"
Arthur doesn't take his eyes off the road, but reaches over and catches Merlin's hand in his again.
"That sounds perfect."
**********
Masterpost :: Part One :: Part Two :: Part Three :: Part Four :: Part Five