Of Dreams And Locked Doors
Title: Of Dreams And Locked Doors (part 1)
Author: walking_weapon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Summary: My take on what happened after Arizona's "This isn't my dream." speech.
“So what does your dream look like?” I ask softly, terrified of the answer. Granted I’m terrified every time we start talking big relationship things these days. I hate it, I hate that I’m so insecure, but I can’t help it.
“Callie…” Arizona sighs, closing her eyes for a second and tilting her head back.
“No really, maybe we should talk about this. Because this is our life now, there’s no changing this, so if it’s not your dream…well I get that, but…” I press on, stumbling over my words as I try force out a coherent sentence.
“Callie just stop ok? All I wanted tonight was to come home and enjoy some quiet time with you. Not talk about Mark freaking Sloan, or dreams, or…or any of the other crap.” Arizona snaps a bit, turning the page of her newspaper quickly for emphasis.
“I know, I want that too, but you can’t just say this isn’t your dream and then leave it at that. Do you know how scary it is for me to hear that?” I say softly, looking down at my wine glass. I can’t stop the feeling of dread settling over me as a tense silence draws out between us. This is starting to sound an awful lot like a conversation I don’t want to have.
“Scary? I’m just being honest here. Something we agreed to more off so that this time we actually have a shot of making it.” Arizona states after a few minutes, setting her paper down yet again and staring out across the living room.
“I know, I know that.” I say quickly. “I just…I know you don’t like Mark and that this situation sucks for you. I know this isn’t anywhere close to how you pictured your life. I know you have every reason to run back to Malawi and never look back. I know all that, and that…scares the crap out of me.” I finish quietly, looking down at my lap.
“Calliope…” Arizona sighs, tossing her paper to the floor and turning to face me.
“I know you’re all in, and I believe that, I do, it’s just…” I trail off, shaking my head a little.
“You’re scared.” She finishes for me softly, a hint of pain in her voice.
“Yeah.” I sigh, my shoulders slumping a little bit.
“Join the club.” She says flatly.
“Huh?” I blurt in confusion. She’s scared?
“When I said I’m never going to forget Mark’s the father, I meant it. He’s sure as hell never going to let me forget, and you…you don’t seem to see how scared and crazy this whole thing makes me. I love you and your baby, but…in the end it’s your baby. Yours and Mark’s. I’m just the extra lesbian tag along with no legal rights.” Arizona mutters, sounding both bitter and vulnerable. Looking at her I’m shocked at her words and at the sad expression on her face.
“Tag along? What?” I sputter, looking at her wide eyed.
“Mark’s the father, you’re the mother. As far the law or anyone else is concerned I don’t matter.” Arizona states simply, her hands clenching a little in her lap.
“Arizona…” I sigh, seeing and hearing the fear and insecurity she’s dealing with for the first time. How have I been so blind?
“I’m in. I’m all in. But that doesn’t change anything.” She mutters as if she doesn’t hear me, glancing at me as she takes a deep breath.
“Yes it does. It changes everything.” I say quickly. “I love you. I want you in my life, in this baby’s life.”
“I know you do. And I’m not saying all this as a preamble to me bailing. I just…I’m trying to get you to see where I’m coming from.” She says in frustration, running a hand through her hair.
“Okay, okay.” I say holding my hands up. “I’m listening. I promise.”
“Are you? Because lately it seems like nothing I say gets through, not when it counts anyway.” She mutters, looking over at me sadly.
“Yes. God yes. I know…things have been…crazy, but I…I love you. I want you to be happy, I want to make you happy.” I tell her earnestly, reaching out and taking her hand in mine. I can’t help but feel relieved when she doesn’t pull away.
“Then something has to give.” Arizona says softly. “I can’t…I can’t take feeling like I come in second anymore. Mark’s the baby’s father. He’s not your boyfriend.” She continues, making a bit of a face.
“No, god no.” I say in horror. “Mark’s not…I don’t want…no one…” I stammer as I try to form a coherent sentence. “You’re the one I’m in a relationship with, I know that. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I want to marry, and buy a house with, and go on vacation with, and anything else you can name. You’re it for me.” I finish softly, only now noticing that I’ve moved across the couch so I’m right beside Arizona, our joined hands in my lap.
“You say that, and I know you believe it, but…I don’t feel it. I want to, god do I want to, but…I don’t.” She sighs, looking at me with a pained expression.
“And Mark going all ‘I’m the father’ every five seconds isn’t helping anything.” I sigh, not for the first time cursing Mark’s brash nature.
“No. No it’s not. And neither is you talking about him and how great a dad he’s going to be all the time.” Arizona mutters, looking down at the floor.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel left out or less than or anything like that. I’m just trying to do my best here. This isn’t my dream either.” I sigh, feeling the weight of the situation, something I can usually ignore, settle over me like a lead blanket.
“Sure it isn’t.” Arizona snorts, shaking her head.
“It isn’t. Have I always wanted kids? Yes. Have I ever wanted Mark’s kids? No. I wanted your babies with their curly blonde hair, blue eyes and dimples. And who knows, maybe we’ll still have those, I kinda hope so, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m just trying to fumble my way through all this just like you are.” I tell her gently, hoping something I said gets through to her and makes her see that while this isn’t as tough for me as it is for her, it still isn’t all a bed of roses.
“They’ll probably have brown eyes and dark hair.” She whispers, still not looking up at me.
“Huh?” I grunt out, not following at all.
“Our future babies. Blue eyes are recessive, so they’ll probably have your eyes. Same with the hair.” She says shyly, shrugging a bit as she looks up at me.
“Well could be worse.” I say with a shrug and a half smile, taking her words as the peace offering they are.
“Definitely.” She agrees, smiling a little as she shifts and climbs onto my lap as best she can with my bump. She’s always said it’s her favorite way to cuddle me because she can feel me all over, and her taking up the position now let’s me know we’re ok again. Or as okay as we ever get anyway while we’re still sorting out so many big issues.
“I’m sorry for ruining your dream.” I say softly as I wrap my arms securely around her. I hold her gently, but keep her as close to me as I can. I’ll never get tired of the feel of her in my arms, the way she fits so perfectly.
“What?” Arizona asks, furrowing her brow as she cranes her head so she can look at my face.
“Africa. I’m sorry for running it. I’m sorry for sticking you with this baby and with Mark in your life. I’m sorry for ruining your dreams.” I elaborate, my voice thick and my heart heavy with guilt.
“You’re not sticking me with anything, I’m here because I don’t know how to be anywhere else.” Arizona says softly, reaching up to cup my cheek.
“Still, I know this is really hard for you and I haven’t been doing a great job of acknowledging that.” I sigh, looking at her apologetically.
“I just…Mark’s always there, for everything. And I get that he’s the father, I do. And he should be there for the appointments and all that, and he should have a say in decisions about the baby.” She stops, as if only now realizing what she’s saying. I can tell there’s more though and that she’s holding back, probably to avoid starting a fight.
“But…” I prompt gently.
“But he shouldn’t come by here every morning. He shouldn’t always eat lunch with us at work. He sure as hell shouldn’t walk in here unannounced.” She says in a rush, like she can’t get the words out fast enough
“It really bothers you huh? Him being around.” I say softly, kicking myself internally for the inherent stupidity of the question. Of course it bothers her, she’s told you as much dumb ass.
“Ya it does. It always has, but I just…I never said anything.” Arizona mutters, running her hand in idle patterns along my arm.
“You should have. I mean I know there was that whole thing about him staring at your boobs, but we never really talked after that.” I shrug, wincing a little as I remember how dismissive I was.
“He still stares. Pervert.” Arizona grumbles, shuddering a bit.
“Ya he kinda is.” I chuckle, kissing her cheek and holding her a little closer. “But he’s a good guy at heart, and he’ll be a good father to this baby. And more importantly I’ll talk to him about backing off.” I say pointedly, wanting that last bit to be the part she really hears.
“You don’t have to.” Arizona says softly, biting her bottom lip the way she does when she wants to say yes to something but doesn’t at the same time.
“Yes I do. Mark’s my past, you’re my future. This is our baby remember?” I say softly, taking her hand from my neck and placing it on my bump.
“Yeah. I remember.” She whispers shakily, moving her hand under my top to rest against my skin.
“Ok then, so I’ll talk to Mark and get him to lay off. Part of it is that he’s just scared about losing this baby like he has in the past, but that’s no excuse for him not respecting you. I’ll get his spare key back too so he can’t just walk in here, and we can change the locks if you really want to. And lunchtime…we can go hide in the basement. Less gossipy nurses to glare at us when I feel like making out with you down there anyway.” I finish with a slight chuckle, looking at Arizona hopefully.
“Thank you.” She whispers, her eyes a little teary as she rubs my bump gently.
“I’m dense, and I can be kinda slow, but I love you more than anything and I want this to work. I want us to work.” I tell her softly, dipping my head and kissing her forehead tenderly.
“Well making this apartment a Mark free zone is definitely a start.” She smiles, a bit of a twinkle in her eye.
“I’ll do my best.” I smile, looking at her a moment. “And…I’ll give you time. I know I didn’t really do that yet. This is big, really big, and you’re still processing so I’ll try and remember that.”
“It is big, and I am processing, but I’m not going anywhere. This isn’t what my dream looks like and I don’t like Mark. I love you and I’ll love this baby. Those are the facts. And what those facts mean is that there will be lots more arguing with Mark, probably a whole lot more freaking out from both of us, and our lives are going to be turned upside down. But…” She pauses, looking down at my belly for a moment before looking up at me with the gentlest, most love filled expression I’ve ever seen. “But what those facts also mean, is that I’m not, now or ever again, leaving you.” She finishes in a whisper, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
Reaching up I wipe the tear away, caressing her cheek gently as I swallow the massive lump in my throat. What do I say to that? I mean it I love you doesn’t seem enough, and my instinctual ‘marry me?’ is quashed as quickly as it comes. So not the right time for that. But she did just promise me forever, me and my Sloan DNA tainted baby. I’m pretty sure there aren’t words for how I feel about her right now, so I settle for the one thing I know comes closest.
“You’re awesome.” I whisper before closing the distance between us and kissing her deeply. “And right. And I love you so, so much.” I mutter when we break apart for air before I quickly start kissing her again.
“Mmm…then how about…you take me to bed…and show me.” Arizona mutters as we continue to kiss, both of her hands under my top now and quickly heading northward.
“Yes ma’am.” I grin against her lips, starting to stand with her in my arms, intent on carrying her to bed.
“Oh no, no.” Arizona cries, her voice muffled by our continued kisses.
“Um…what?” State incredulously, stilling and pulling back. If she changed her mind about me taking her to bed then we have a problem, a big problem. Not that she can’t say no to sex, she can, she’s totally allowed to do that. Just not when I’m as ridiculously horny as I am right. Stupid pregnancy hormones.
“You are pregnant. You are not carrying me.” She states matter of factly.
“Oh. Oh ya I guess you’re right.” I say sheepishly.
“Of course I’m right.” She winks, slipping off my lap and tugging me to my feet. “Now get that hot ass moving to bed so I can get you naked.” She grins, turning me towards the bedroom and slapping my ass lightly to get me moving.
“Hey! That’s-” My fake complaint is cut off by a knocking at the door followed by the last voice either of us want to be hearing right now given the conversation we just had.
“Torres!” Mark calls. “Hey, since when do you lock your door?” He calls again as the doorknob rattles. Closing my eyes I let out a heavy sigh and turn to face Arizona with an apologetic and slightly scared expression, not sure what I’ll find looking back at me.
“I…” I start when I see the frustrated, quickly verging on pissed off expression on her face.
“Don’t.” She says curtly, trying to brush past me. Without consciously thinking about it my hand snakes out and grabs her wrist, tugging her into me.
“I was going to say, that I think you look really hot when you’re pissed off.” I tell her, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling her neck. “Now, I believe we were headed to bed. Something about nakedness and my hot ass if I remember right.” I smirk as I slip my hands under her shirt. Nodding mutely Arizona hooks her fingers in the neckline of my shirt and pulls me to the bedroom, another peeved bellow from Mark drowned out as the bedroom door slams behind us.
Author: walking_weapon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Summary: My take on what happened after Arizona's "This isn't my dream." speech.
“So what does your dream look like?” I ask softly, terrified of the answer. Granted I’m terrified every time we start talking big relationship things these days. I hate it, I hate that I’m so insecure, but I can’t help it.
“Callie…” Arizona sighs, closing her eyes for a second and tilting her head back.
“No really, maybe we should talk about this. Because this is our life now, there’s no changing this, so if it’s not your dream…well I get that, but…” I press on, stumbling over my words as I try force out a coherent sentence.
“Callie just stop ok? All I wanted tonight was to come home and enjoy some quiet time with you. Not talk about Mark freaking Sloan, or dreams, or…or any of the other crap.” Arizona snaps a bit, turning the page of her newspaper quickly for emphasis.
“I know, I want that too, but you can’t just say this isn’t your dream and then leave it at that. Do you know how scary it is for me to hear that?” I say softly, looking down at my wine glass. I can’t stop the feeling of dread settling over me as a tense silence draws out between us. This is starting to sound an awful lot like a conversation I don’t want to have.
“Scary? I’m just being honest here. Something we agreed to more off so that this time we actually have a shot of making it.” Arizona states after a few minutes, setting her paper down yet again and staring out across the living room.
“I know, I know that.” I say quickly. “I just…I know you don’t like Mark and that this situation sucks for you. I know this isn’t anywhere close to how you pictured your life. I know you have every reason to run back to Malawi and never look back. I know all that, and that…scares the crap out of me.” I finish quietly, looking down at my lap.
“Calliope…” Arizona sighs, tossing her paper to the floor and turning to face me.
“I know you’re all in, and I believe that, I do, it’s just…” I trail off, shaking my head a little.
“You’re scared.” She finishes for me softly, a hint of pain in her voice.
“Yeah.” I sigh, my shoulders slumping a little bit.
“Join the club.” She says flatly.
“Huh?” I blurt in confusion. She’s scared?
“When I said I’m never going to forget Mark’s the father, I meant it. He’s sure as hell never going to let me forget, and you…you don’t seem to see how scared and crazy this whole thing makes me. I love you and your baby, but…in the end it’s your baby. Yours and Mark’s. I’m just the extra lesbian tag along with no legal rights.” Arizona mutters, sounding both bitter and vulnerable. Looking at her I’m shocked at her words and at the sad expression on her face.
“Tag along? What?” I sputter, looking at her wide eyed.
“Mark’s the father, you’re the mother. As far the law or anyone else is concerned I don’t matter.” Arizona states simply, her hands clenching a little in her lap.
“Arizona…” I sigh, seeing and hearing the fear and insecurity she’s dealing with for the first time. How have I been so blind?
“I’m in. I’m all in. But that doesn’t change anything.” She mutters as if she doesn’t hear me, glancing at me as she takes a deep breath.
“Yes it does. It changes everything.” I say quickly. “I love you. I want you in my life, in this baby’s life.”
“I know you do. And I’m not saying all this as a preamble to me bailing. I just…I’m trying to get you to see where I’m coming from.” She says in frustration, running a hand through her hair.
“Okay, okay.” I say holding my hands up. “I’m listening. I promise.”
“Are you? Because lately it seems like nothing I say gets through, not when it counts anyway.” She mutters, looking over at me sadly.
“Yes. God yes. I know…things have been…crazy, but I…I love you. I want you to be happy, I want to make you happy.” I tell her earnestly, reaching out and taking her hand in mine. I can’t help but feel relieved when she doesn’t pull away.
“Then something has to give.” Arizona says softly. “I can’t…I can’t take feeling like I come in second anymore. Mark’s the baby’s father. He’s not your boyfriend.” She continues, making a bit of a face.
“No, god no.” I say in horror. “Mark’s not…I don’t want…no one…” I stammer as I try to form a coherent sentence. “You’re the one I’m in a relationship with, I know that. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I want to marry, and buy a house with, and go on vacation with, and anything else you can name. You’re it for me.” I finish softly, only now noticing that I’ve moved across the couch so I’m right beside Arizona, our joined hands in my lap.
“You say that, and I know you believe it, but…I don’t feel it. I want to, god do I want to, but…I don’t.” She sighs, looking at me with a pained expression.
“And Mark going all ‘I’m the father’ every five seconds isn’t helping anything.” I sigh, not for the first time cursing Mark’s brash nature.
“No. No it’s not. And neither is you talking about him and how great a dad he’s going to be all the time.” Arizona mutters, looking down at the floor.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel left out or less than or anything like that. I’m just trying to do my best here. This isn’t my dream either.” I sigh, feeling the weight of the situation, something I can usually ignore, settle over me like a lead blanket.
“Sure it isn’t.” Arizona snorts, shaking her head.
“It isn’t. Have I always wanted kids? Yes. Have I ever wanted Mark’s kids? No. I wanted your babies with their curly blonde hair, blue eyes and dimples. And who knows, maybe we’ll still have those, I kinda hope so, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m just trying to fumble my way through all this just like you are.” I tell her gently, hoping something I said gets through to her and makes her see that while this isn’t as tough for me as it is for her, it still isn’t all a bed of roses.
“They’ll probably have brown eyes and dark hair.” She whispers, still not looking up at me.
“Huh?” I grunt out, not following at all.
“Our future babies. Blue eyes are recessive, so they’ll probably have your eyes. Same with the hair.” She says shyly, shrugging a bit as she looks up at me.
“Well could be worse.” I say with a shrug and a half smile, taking her words as the peace offering they are.
“Definitely.” She agrees, smiling a little as she shifts and climbs onto my lap as best she can with my bump. She’s always said it’s her favorite way to cuddle me because she can feel me all over, and her taking up the position now let’s me know we’re ok again. Or as okay as we ever get anyway while we’re still sorting out so many big issues.
“I’m sorry for ruining your dream.” I say softly as I wrap my arms securely around her. I hold her gently, but keep her as close to me as I can. I’ll never get tired of the feel of her in my arms, the way she fits so perfectly.
“What?” Arizona asks, furrowing her brow as she cranes her head so she can look at my face.
“Africa. I’m sorry for running it. I’m sorry for sticking you with this baby and with Mark in your life. I’m sorry for ruining your dreams.” I elaborate, my voice thick and my heart heavy with guilt.
“You’re not sticking me with anything, I’m here because I don’t know how to be anywhere else.” Arizona says softly, reaching up to cup my cheek.
“Still, I know this is really hard for you and I haven’t been doing a great job of acknowledging that.” I sigh, looking at her apologetically.
“I just…Mark’s always there, for everything. And I get that he’s the father, I do. And he should be there for the appointments and all that, and he should have a say in decisions about the baby.” She stops, as if only now realizing what she’s saying. I can tell there’s more though and that she’s holding back, probably to avoid starting a fight.
“But…” I prompt gently.
“But he shouldn’t come by here every morning. He shouldn’t always eat lunch with us at work. He sure as hell shouldn’t walk in here unannounced.” She says in a rush, like she can’t get the words out fast enough
“It really bothers you huh? Him being around.” I say softly, kicking myself internally for the inherent stupidity of the question. Of course it bothers her, she’s told you as much dumb ass.
“Ya it does. It always has, but I just…I never said anything.” Arizona mutters, running her hand in idle patterns along my arm.
“You should have. I mean I know there was that whole thing about him staring at your boobs, but we never really talked after that.” I shrug, wincing a little as I remember how dismissive I was.
“He still stares. Pervert.” Arizona grumbles, shuddering a bit.
“Ya he kinda is.” I chuckle, kissing her cheek and holding her a little closer. “But he’s a good guy at heart, and he’ll be a good father to this baby. And more importantly I’ll talk to him about backing off.” I say pointedly, wanting that last bit to be the part she really hears.
“You don’t have to.” Arizona says softly, biting her bottom lip the way she does when she wants to say yes to something but doesn’t at the same time.
“Yes I do. Mark’s my past, you’re my future. This is our baby remember?” I say softly, taking her hand from my neck and placing it on my bump.
“Yeah. I remember.” She whispers shakily, moving her hand under my top to rest against my skin.
“Ok then, so I’ll talk to Mark and get him to lay off. Part of it is that he’s just scared about losing this baby like he has in the past, but that’s no excuse for him not respecting you. I’ll get his spare key back too so he can’t just walk in here, and we can change the locks if you really want to. And lunchtime…we can go hide in the basement. Less gossipy nurses to glare at us when I feel like making out with you down there anyway.” I finish with a slight chuckle, looking at Arizona hopefully.
“Thank you.” She whispers, her eyes a little teary as she rubs my bump gently.
“I’m dense, and I can be kinda slow, but I love you more than anything and I want this to work. I want us to work.” I tell her softly, dipping my head and kissing her forehead tenderly.
“Well making this apartment a Mark free zone is definitely a start.” She smiles, a bit of a twinkle in her eye.
“I’ll do my best.” I smile, looking at her a moment. “And…I’ll give you time. I know I didn’t really do that yet. This is big, really big, and you’re still processing so I’ll try and remember that.”
“It is big, and I am processing, but I’m not going anywhere. This isn’t what my dream looks like and I don’t like Mark. I love you and I’ll love this baby. Those are the facts. And what those facts mean is that there will be lots more arguing with Mark, probably a whole lot more freaking out from both of us, and our lives are going to be turned upside down. But…” She pauses, looking down at my belly for a moment before looking up at me with the gentlest, most love filled expression I’ve ever seen. “But what those facts also mean, is that I’m not, now or ever again, leaving you.” She finishes in a whisper, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
Reaching up I wipe the tear away, caressing her cheek gently as I swallow the massive lump in my throat. What do I say to that? I mean it I love you doesn’t seem enough, and my instinctual ‘marry me?’ is quashed as quickly as it comes. So not the right time for that. But she did just promise me forever, me and my Sloan DNA tainted baby. I’m pretty sure there aren’t words for how I feel about her right now, so I settle for the one thing I know comes closest.
“You’re awesome.” I whisper before closing the distance between us and kissing her deeply. “And right. And I love you so, so much.” I mutter when we break apart for air before I quickly start kissing her again.
“Mmm…then how about…you take me to bed…and show me.” Arizona mutters as we continue to kiss, both of her hands under my top now and quickly heading northward.
“Yes ma’am.” I grin against her lips, starting to stand with her in my arms, intent on carrying her to bed.
“Oh no, no.” Arizona cries, her voice muffled by our continued kisses.
“Um…what?” State incredulously, stilling and pulling back. If she changed her mind about me taking her to bed then we have a problem, a big problem. Not that she can’t say no to sex, she can, she’s totally allowed to do that. Just not when I’m as ridiculously horny as I am right. Stupid pregnancy hormones.
“You are pregnant. You are not carrying me.” She states matter of factly.
“Oh. Oh ya I guess you’re right.” I say sheepishly.
“Of course I’m right.” She winks, slipping off my lap and tugging me to my feet. “Now get that hot ass moving to bed so I can get you naked.” She grins, turning me towards the bedroom and slapping my ass lightly to get me moving.
“Hey! That’s-” My fake complaint is cut off by a knocking at the door followed by the last voice either of us want to be hearing right now given the conversation we just had.
“Torres!” Mark calls. “Hey, since when do you lock your door?” He calls again as the doorknob rattles. Closing my eyes I let out a heavy sigh and turn to face Arizona with an apologetic and slightly scared expression, not sure what I’ll find looking back at me.
“I…” I start when I see the frustrated, quickly verging on pissed off expression on her face.
“Don’t.” She says curtly, trying to brush past me. Without consciously thinking about it my hand snakes out and grabs her wrist, tugging her into me.
“I was going to say, that I think you look really hot when you’re pissed off.” I tell her, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling her neck. “Now, I believe we were headed to bed. Something about nakedness and my hot ass if I remember right.” I smirk as I slip my hands under her shirt. Nodding mutely Arizona hooks her fingers in the neckline of my shirt and pulls me to the bedroom, another peeved bellow from Mark drowned out as the bedroom door slams behind us.