WoS, chapter 2

[parron]

Title: Wages of Sin, Chapter I
Fandom: FFX, FFX-2 AU
Rating: PG-13
Writers: hinikuish, muggy_mountain
Characters/Pairings: Tidus, Rikku, Gippal...

What if Auron had never gone to Zanarkand after the start of Braska's Calm? What if he had gone to Besaid instead, to care for young Yuna? What if Tidus had grown up alone and an orphan in Zanarkand

Comments

A

[taydrcaagan]

This is well put together. The tension between the two young men is accurately rendered. They are very true to character as Square presents them and it is easy to see that they would have personal conflicts. The most intriguing thought is that Tidus might have some psychic connection with Sin. It would be very interesting to see that line followed a little further.

You seem to have a fine understanding of the Al Bhed. One query - does Tidus' world also use the term 'machina'? I had the impression that was a Yevonite invention to avoid the forbidden use of machines. It might also be useful for you to append an author's note explaining why the boy's hair is dark in this story. I understand that he bleaches it but why? To fit in with the Al Bhed. This is just a niggling point, like a loose tooth you can't help pushing with your tongue.

All in all, you are setting up the background for an excellent saga.

Re: A

[parron]

Thanks for the wonderful-lovely comment! ^^ And re, your question:

One query - does Tidus' world also use the term 'machina'?

I wouldn't think so, for the same reasons you pointed out. I guess I just made the assumption - because I wrote that particular bit (you can always tell - I'm the one who makes the silly mistakes like this) - I made the assumption that Tidus saw the toaster (or whatever), heard the word "machina," and was able to equate it with whatever word he's used to using for the thing. That and the difference between machina/machine is just one letter...

It might also be useful for you to append an author's note explaining why the boy's hair is dark in this story. I understand that he bleaches it but why? To fit in with the Al Bhed.Yes, I've left it... hmm. Let's see if I can coherently explain this. Tidus' hair is left undyed because in this world he makes a point of being as irratatingly angsty as he can manage. So his hair isn't bleached - there are a few other reasons we made the change, but they fall more on the

I used my GAY FOR YOOOUU Icon to show how much I love the fic...?

[aquagia]

TIDUS, SWEETIEKINS HONEYPIEFACE, YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T BE MEAN TO RIKKU IN MY PRESENCE. *whipcrack*

I really like this so far! I'm sorry that I'm not all critique-y and stuff but uh...yeah? I don't write fanfic, I just read it, and I can always tell when somethings bad but I don't see anything bad! So yeah. I like it! And I really need to learn to type in a different way than I talk. Er. Anyways.

And I like seeing a different "version" of Tidus. I totally understand that in the game, we were playing from Tidus's perspective--therefore he kind of HAD to be dumb as rocks and all "YAY CANDY WOO FRIENDS! I'M LOST IN A WORLD FOREIGN TO ME AND TOTALLY SCREWED PROBABLY?? WHATEVS NO PROBLEM, LETS RIDE CHOCOBOS!" and everything, but it still made me hate him little bits. This new "kind of deep actually has opinions about stuff and maybe ISN'T such a nice guy" Tidus is growing on me. OH TIDUS, JUST GO SHOP AT HOT TOPIC OR SOMETHING, U R SO EMO

Re: I used my GAY FOR YOOOUU Icon to show how much I love the fic...?

[parron]

This version of Tidus may be more tolerable, but I wanna kick the kid every other minute. CHEER UP EMO WANKER. He's so--blah. XD I like my ditzy little bottle-blond much better. >D just not with yuna

Actually, I like Tidus best when he isn't romantically involved with anyone. He has the mentality of a five year old anyway, he can't REALLY need a girlfriend. >>

Oh! Right! This was a review, wasn't it!

HELLO THAR I'M GLAD YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER WE CREATED FROM OUR BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS, ETC. Tidus is a little emo bratling, but he'll shape up I PROMISE. :D

[owlmoose]

This mean, sulky, snarky Tidus is taking some getting used to, but you're doing a really great job of making him different from the game but also the same. I liked the fight/posturing with Gippal and especially Rikku's attempts to make peace. Two excellent conversations!

The only other comment I have is regarding the opening -- it feels expository compared to the rest of the story, especially coming right after the end of the last chapter, which had a more actiony feel. A little too much tell, not quite enough show for my taste. Particularly, I would have liked to "see" Tidus waking up and realizing that he had this sudden understanding of a foreign language. I know this is mostly a matter of personal preference, but I wanted to mention it anyway.

[bryapnanov]

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