By Faith Alone. Chapter One.
Written by: lady_lilith and lady_death.
Title: By Faith Alone. Chapter One.
Fandom: National Hockey League.
Characters: Todd Bertuzzi, Ed Jovanovski. Special Guest Appearance by Julie Bertuzzi.
Word Count: 1,631.
Rating: PG.
Summary: Jovo asks for advice.
Author's Notes: This is set Dec of 2006. Todd was a Panther, with a back injury. He had been traded to the Panthers in June of that year. Jovo had signed with the Coyotes in July to a five year contract. Markus was still a Canuck. Why yes, we are on a Coyotes kick, why do you ask?
"Yeah?"
"Heya, how are you doing?"
"Shitty. You?"
"Shittastic. Too hot, you?"
"That too."
"Bored. And that was a trick question, you're in my old city, what are you bitching about?"
"I hate it."
"Beautiful women, good food, get outside."
"It sucks. What do you want?"
"You don't deserve Miami. To share gossip, what else?"
"Tell someone else that I don't deserve Miami. Someone in Canada. What've you heard?"
"That I could have finally got struck with one of those funny arrows."
"You?"
Laughs, "Yup, I'm a fuckin' sucker, it's the only way I can explain this."
"Who should I send my apologies to?"
"We'll get to that."
"This is a long story, I can tell. Lemme go lay down."
"Jeeze, sitting up while on IR who do you think you are a fuckin' saint?"
"Trying to get better. Sitting is a good start. It fuckin' hurts. Okay spill."
"First off, give me a good reason why a guy would keep goin' after a guy he can't sleep with."
"He's a sap."
"See, that is what occurred to me too."
"But 'can't' doesn't mean 'give up'. People break up or cheat, then you have your chance."
"Well, I don't know what my odds are against this other guy."
"Do I get names yet?"
"I'll tell you the competition. Jesus."
"Well? Tell me."
Snickering, "I did, the guy's got Jesus."
"Jesus? Like the one on the cross?"
"Yeah, he's in a longstanding committed relationship with Christ Almighty."
Bursts out laughing. "Fuck, ow."
"Have you ever fuckin' heard that in your life?"
"Yeah, on those late-night 'send me your money and I'll save you' shows."
"Now, maybe I'd go to a baptism if I got to cop a feel under the water."
"You're a sinner. No wonder he won't sleep with you."
"I'm Orthodox, there's a difference."
"Not really."
"We know how to sin and how to ask forgiveness."
"That's the best par-- Oh! Is he one of those that'll tell you you're gonna burn in hell for fucking guys?"
"Yeah, and how much he loves his wife like it's a problem. I love my wife, who doesn't? I don't see the issue."
"Lots of people have loved my wife."
"Your wife is a fine woman."
"Thank you. I think so too."
"What did he say?"
"That you're fine."
Laughs, "That's nice of him."
"She's a foxy lady and you don't deserve her either. And she doesn't deserve to put up with your shit."
"He says I don't deserve you."
"You don't." "
“I know."
"She can move here anytime she likes."
"He wants you out there."
"Too dry."
"She says no."
"I'd treat her better."
"He says he'd treat you better."
"If I'm going anywhere, it's back home."
"She says fuck you."
"She'd never swear at me like that. Hey, she's slept cross team, eh?"
"Who hasn't?"
"Ask her if she's ever slept with Shane Doan."
"Is that who?" To her, "Have you fucked Shane Doan?"
"No, it doesn't stand out."
"She says she has better taste than you."
"Any of her friends have the same taste as me?"
"You know anyone with taste that bad?"
"I can call Lotta."
Laughs. "Fuck, ow."
"What's so funny?"
"She said she could call Lotta."
"Another fine woman, you're a bitch Todd."
"I didn't say it, she did."
"It's such a fuckin' waste."
"You're just pissy 'cause you're not gettin' in his pants."
"No, I'm pissy, because it's a waste. He's...and you shouldn't get to walk around the locker room if you're gonna say no."
Snickers, "Maybe it's you."
"No, it's a fucked up idea lodged in his head is what it is."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm not making this shit up. But hell, other than that, he's not bad to hang around."
"Other than the burning in hell part?"
"Yeah, but damn. The guy really works."
Snickers, "You got it for him?"
"Shut up and be useful. Anyone ever turn you down with 'I've got faith and you can too'?"
"No."
"What do you know, you've been fucked in the head since you could jack off."
"You're still jealous."
"I don't want to be Swedish. Three languages is enough."
"I didn't say you wanted him."
"If this were you, what would be the plan of attack?"
"I've never been turned down."
"Hypothetically, pretend you have a brain."
"I don't know, feel him up."
"Didn't work."
"Rough. Direct approach?"
"Jesus' got a good right hook."
Laughs more, "He hit you?"
"I believe it was 'reestablishing appropriate personal space'."
Laughs again, "Ow, fuck."
"You deserve that shit, because this isn't funny."
"Are you serious? This is fuckin' hysterical. I don't think I can say 'reestablishing' in Swedish, but I'll look it up."
"I'll break your fuckin' back for you."
"If it were me, you'd be laughing your ass off."
"I'd have sympathy. I can't fuckin' play with a hardon my whole fuckin' career in Pheonix."
"So fuck someone else while you're workin' on it."
"Yeah, but that only helps so much."
"I had a thought."
"Yeah?"
"What if he's straight?"
"Like absolutely straight?"
"Like-- I really hate this example, but like Peter wouldn't touch Lotta, at all. Now there is an idiot. But you know what I'm sayin'? So maybe he's straight?"
"But only women? I can sort of see the only guys, but only women? No, I'm tellin' you it's gotta be the religion thing."
"I don't get not wanting both, but there are people like that. I don't know, ask him."
"Of course he's gonna say he's straight! Hello, the guy runs a camp."
"Like a conversion camp?"
"Like I don't know, kids and yay god camp."
"You could tell him you're 'yay god', too."
"I am. I yay god everytime I look at Cole or Coco."
"You could bond."
"The man inside angle, not bad."
"This is why you come to me."
"Oh wise one."
"I think a lot. What the fuck else do I have to do?"
"Bitch, whine, annoy me."
"I can do all those things and think."
"I could come down there and solve both our problems.'
"Eh, I'm not as much fun as I was."
"You're fun enough."
"It hurts to do fuckin' everything."
"Can't lie still?"
"It doesn't work that way and you know it."
Laughs, "Guess I'll be stuck with just your bad company."
"You just want a reason to come back to this fuckin' city."
"Of course, that's it. If I needed that I wouldn't just use in-laws."
"Who does that on purpose?"
"You do when you like them."
"Yeah, sure."
"It's not my fault you've got that charming personality."
"You keep callin' me. Markus shows up. It works."
"Yeah, yeah I'll tell you what species of bird you two are. Starts with L ends in E."
Laughs, "You're using that as an insult? At least mine sleeps with me."
"Whoa, I'm perfectly qualified to use that as an insult."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm in lust."
"That's a type of bird, I'm sure."
"Go on mock. How many times have I stood by while you make an ass of yourself and this is what I get."
"Made an ass of myself?"
"You heard me."
"When?"
"You know when."
"Name once."
"Every time you're around Markus."
"Get over it."
"You're grumpy."
"What was your first clue?"
"He's got a great smile."
"That's a bad sign."
"Huh?"
"You don't say shit about smiles when it's lust, you say shit about asses."
"That's being unfair, smiles have every right to contribute to overall hotness."
"But you don't talk about it."
"More prejudice."
"Fact."
"He's got a great ass too."
Laughs, "That's better."
"Fuck, why couldn't he be fuckin' normal and have someone already? I can be accepting of that."
"You could get him drunk."
"He doesn't drink."
"What?"
"He doesn't drink. At all."
Starts laughing again.
"That one wasn't even funny!"
"I'm just thinkin'. Even if he wanted you, what the fuck are you gonna do with a guy like that?"
"Besides fuck him?"
"A guy that doesn't drink and doesn't fuck around, I bet doesn't like it how you do it."
"I'm multi-faceted."
"Uh huh."
"The way he checks, he likes it just fine."
"Maybe after you can have tea and knit."
"No knitting, maybe trail ride."
"Trail ride?"
"He's big into the horse thing."
"You can ride off into the sunset."
"Fuck you, I'm hanging up."
Laughs, "Go forth and be godly. He should like that."
"Suck it. This is the fuckin' worst situation I coulda landed in."
"I can think of one worse."
"Nope, sorry don't think so."
"How does that go about loved and lost?"
"Trite, hallmark bullshit. And this isn't that. I need to have a peptalk with my balls and tell 'em to get over it."
"You do that. See how far you get."
"How about a little encouragement from the home team?"
"Reality check here."
"If I wanted one of those I'd have called someone wittier."
"Ow."
"Call me when you get better, we'll celebrate."
"That's high on my list." Pause. "Jag gjorde icke lära sig Svensk för nöje. Go pray with him or something like that."
Laughs, "Maybe you should pray for me. Ask god to send me a sinner."
"I'll ask Julie. God would send you a priest to spite me."
"A priest? I'm not that kinky."
"Since when?"
"Since I got the hots for a guy that doesn't drink."
Snickers, trying not to laugh, "Oh, right."
"I'm gonna go find a teammate to tie up now."
"Send me pictures."
"I always do."
Laughs, "I'll be waiting for your update."
"Go ask Julie to take care of you nicely."
"Not a bad idea. You can practice 'nice' on me when you visit."
"Uh huh. Love to the wife and kids." Hangs up.
Title: By Faith Alone. Chapter One.
Fandom: National Hockey League.
Characters: Todd Bertuzzi, Ed Jovanovski. Special Guest Appearance by Julie Bertuzzi.
Word Count: 1,631.
Rating: PG.
Summary: Jovo asks for advice.
Author's Notes: This is set Dec of 2006. Todd was a Panther, with a back injury. He had been traded to the Panthers in June of that year. Jovo had signed with the Coyotes in July to a five year contract. Markus was still a Canuck. Why yes, we are on a Coyotes kick, why do you ask?
"Yeah?"
"Heya, how are you doing?"
"Shitty. You?"
"Shittastic. Too hot, you?"
"That too."
"Bored. And that was a trick question, you're in my old city, what are you bitching about?"
"I hate it."
"Beautiful women, good food, get outside."
"It sucks. What do you want?"
"You don't deserve Miami. To share gossip, what else?"
"Tell someone else that I don't deserve Miami. Someone in Canada. What've you heard?"
"That I could have finally got struck with one of those funny arrows."
"You?"
Laughs, "Yup, I'm a fuckin' sucker, it's the only way I can explain this."
"Who should I send my apologies to?"
"We'll get to that."
"This is a long story, I can tell. Lemme go lay down."
"Jeeze, sitting up while on IR who do you think you are a fuckin' saint?"
"Trying to get better. Sitting is a good start. It fuckin' hurts. Okay spill."
"First off, give me a good reason why a guy would keep goin' after a guy he can't sleep with."
"He's a sap."
"See, that is what occurred to me too."
"But 'can't' doesn't mean 'give up'. People break up or cheat, then you have your chance."
"Well, I don't know what my odds are against this other guy."
"Do I get names yet?"
"I'll tell you the competition. Jesus."
"Well? Tell me."
Snickering, "I did, the guy's got Jesus."
"Jesus? Like the one on the cross?"
"Yeah, he's in a longstanding committed relationship with Christ Almighty."
Bursts out laughing. "Fuck, ow."
"Have you ever fuckin' heard that in your life?"
"Yeah, on those late-night 'send me your money and I'll save you' shows."
"Now, maybe I'd go to a baptism if I got to cop a feel under the water."
"You're a sinner. No wonder he won't sleep with you."
"I'm Orthodox, there's a difference."
"Not really."
"We know how to sin and how to ask forgiveness."
"That's the best par-- Oh! Is he one of those that'll tell you you're gonna burn in hell for fucking guys?"
"Yeah, and how much he loves his wife like it's a problem. I love my wife, who doesn't? I don't see the issue."
"Lots of people have loved my wife."
"Your wife is a fine woman."
"Thank you. I think so too."
"What did he say?"
"That you're fine."
Laughs, "That's nice of him."
"She's a foxy lady and you don't deserve her either. And she doesn't deserve to put up with your shit."
"He says I don't deserve you."
"You don't." "
“I know."
"She can move here anytime she likes."
"He wants you out there."
"Too dry."
"She says no."
"I'd treat her better."
"He says he'd treat you better."
"If I'm going anywhere, it's back home."
"She says fuck you."
"She'd never swear at me like that. Hey, she's slept cross team, eh?"
"Who hasn't?"
"Ask her if she's ever slept with Shane Doan."
"Is that who?" To her, "Have you fucked Shane Doan?"
"No, it doesn't stand out."
"She says she has better taste than you."
"Any of her friends have the same taste as me?"
"You know anyone with taste that bad?"
"I can call Lotta."
Laughs. "Fuck, ow."
"What's so funny?"
"She said she could call Lotta."
"Another fine woman, you're a bitch Todd."
"I didn't say it, she did."
"It's such a fuckin' waste."
"You're just pissy 'cause you're not gettin' in his pants."
"No, I'm pissy, because it's a waste. He's...and you shouldn't get to walk around the locker room if you're gonna say no."
Snickers, "Maybe it's you."
"No, it's a fucked up idea lodged in his head is what it is."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm not making this shit up. But hell, other than that, he's not bad to hang around."
"Other than the burning in hell part?"
"Yeah, but damn. The guy really works."
Snickers, "You got it for him?"
"Shut up and be useful. Anyone ever turn you down with 'I've got faith and you can too'?"
"No."
"What do you know, you've been fucked in the head since you could jack off."
"You're still jealous."
"I don't want to be Swedish. Three languages is enough."
"I didn't say you wanted him."
"If this were you, what would be the plan of attack?"
"I've never been turned down."
"Hypothetically, pretend you have a brain."
"I don't know, feel him up."
"Didn't work."
"Rough. Direct approach?"
"Jesus' got a good right hook."
Laughs more, "He hit you?"
"I believe it was 'reestablishing appropriate personal space'."
Laughs again, "Ow, fuck."
"You deserve that shit, because this isn't funny."
"Are you serious? This is fuckin' hysterical. I don't think I can say 'reestablishing' in Swedish, but I'll look it up."
"I'll break your fuckin' back for you."
"If it were me, you'd be laughing your ass off."
"I'd have sympathy. I can't fuckin' play with a hardon my whole fuckin' career in Pheonix."
"So fuck someone else while you're workin' on it."
"Yeah, but that only helps so much."
"I had a thought."
"Yeah?"
"What if he's straight?"
"Like absolutely straight?"
"Like-- I really hate this example, but like Peter wouldn't touch Lotta, at all. Now there is an idiot. But you know what I'm sayin'? So maybe he's straight?"
"But only women? I can sort of see the only guys, but only women? No, I'm tellin' you it's gotta be the religion thing."
"I don't get not wanting both, but there are people like that. I don't know, ask him."
"Of course he's gonna say he's straight! Hello, the guy runs a camp."
"Like a conversion camp?"
"Like I don't know, kids and yay god camp."
"You could tell him you're 'yay god', too."
"I am. I yay god everytime I look at Cole or Coco."
"You could bond."
"The man inside angle, not bad."
"This is why you come to me."
"Oh wise one."
"I think a lot. What the fuck else do I have to do?"
"Bitch, whine, annoy me."
"I can do all those things and think."
"I could come down there and solve both our problems.'
"Eh, I'm not as much fun as I was."
"You're fun enough."
"It hurts to do fuckin' everything."
"Can't lie still?"
"It doesn't work that way and you know it."
Laughs, "Guess I'll be stuck with just your bad company."
"You just want a reason to come back to this fuckin' city."
"Of course, that's it. If I needed that I wouldn't just use in-laws."
"Who does that on purpose?"
"You do when you like them."
"Yeah, sure."
"It's not my fault you've got that charming personality."
"You keep callin' me. Markus shows up. It works."
"Yeah, yeah I'll tell you what species of bird you two are. Starts with L ends in E."
Laughs, "You're using that as an insult? At least mine sleeps with me."
"Whoa, I'm perfectly qualified to use that as an insult."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm in lust."
"That's a type of bird, I'm sure."
"Go on mock. How many times have I stood by while you make an ass of yourself and this is what I get."
"Made an ass of myself?"
"You heard me."
"When?"
"You know when."
"Name once."
"Every time you're around Markus."
"Get over it."
"You're grumpy."
"What was your first clue?"
"He's got a great smile."
"That's a bad sign."
"Huh?"
"You don't say shit about smiles when it's lust, you say shit about asses."
"That's being unfair, smiles have every right to contribute to overall hotness."
"But you don't talk about it."
"More prejudice."
"Fact."
"He's got a great ass too."
Laughs, "That's better."
"Fuck, why couldn't he be fuckin' normal and have someone already? I can be accepting of that."
"You could get him drunk."
"He doesn't drink."
"What?"
"He doesn't drink. At all."
Starts laughing again.
"That one wasn't even funny!"
"I'm just thinkin'. Even if he wanted you, what the fuck are you gonna do with a guy like that?"
"Besides fuck him?"
"A guy that doesn't drink and doesn't fuck around, I bet doesn't like it how you do it."
"I'm multi-faceted."
"Uh huh."
"The way he checks, he likes it just fine."
"Maybe after you can have tea and knit."
"No knitting, maybe trail ride."
"Trail ride?"
"He's big into the horse thing."
"You can ride off into the sunset."
"Fuck you, I'm hanging up."
Laughs, "Go forth and be godly. He should like that."
"Suck it. This is the fuckin' worst situation I coulda landed in."
"I can think of one worse."
"Nope, sorry don't think so."
"How does that go about loved and lost?"
"Trite, hallmark bullshit. And this isn't that. I need to have a peptalk with my balls and tell 'em to get over it."
"You do that. See how far you get."
"How about a little encouragement from the home team?"
"Reality check here."
"If I wanted one of those I'd have called someone wittier."
"Ow."
"Call me when you get better, we'll celebrate."
"That's high on my list." Pause. "Jag gjorde icke lära sig Svensk för nöje. Go pray with him or something like that."
Laughs, "Maybe you should pray for me. Ask god to send me a sinner."
"I'll ask Julie. God would send you a priest to spite me."
"A priest? I'm not that kinky."
"Since when?"
"Since I got the hots for a guy that doesn't drink."
Snickers, trying not to laugh, "Oh, right."
"I'm gonna go find a teammate to tie up now."
"Send me pictures."
"I always do."
Laughs, "I'll be waiting for your update."
"Go ask Julie to take care of you nicely."
"Not a bad idea. You can practice 'nice' on me when you visit."
"Uh huh. Love to the wife and kids." Hangs up.