Customs, pt. 6

Nov 07, 2006 11:51

Standing in some anonymous building, the tattered skins of pamphlets layered on peeling walls, broken tiles underfoot, I examined the stairwell and then walked quietly through the adjunct hallway. I paused in the back room; this place was probably a restaurant once, but the fixtures were all gone, and the walls had the uncertain, hollow wounds ( Read more... )

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paulownia November 7 2006, 20:59:31 UTC
Just a sentence structure suggestion, really.

"They'd compiled and intuited their way through a maze of information, seen and unseen, and now the path was clearer."

I wonder if you could create a different impression by puncutuating like so:

"They'd compiled and intuited their way through a maze of information, seen and unseen. Now the path was clearer."

I rather like how the sentence with "maze" in it is in itself a flow of words and sounds. Anyways, if that means nothing to you, ignore. I just like how things sound and using sentence flow to illustrate ideas or sometimes differences in characters.

"The aswang often hunts at night by detaching the head and entrails from the body, leaving the body in a secure location while the head and entrails fly out in search of victims."

Is this the head and entrails of the aswang? Not knowing much about them I'm a little confused about how to envision this.

Thanks. And glad to see your brain is not broken.

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vmurther November 7 2006, 21:12:33 UTC

Edit done, thanks for the input.

As to the business of aswangs and entrails, that'll come up later. I don't see a reason to clarify it right now.

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adoor November 8 2006, 21:39:08 UTC
compelling.

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split wide anonymous October 6 2008, 00:47:35 UTC
practical away neat chiefly blurred byway someone's cup of tea opulence ingest.

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