Ficlet: As Changeable As The Seasons (V/L implied, R)

[hokeysmoke]

Title: As Changeable As The Seasons
Author: HokeySmoke
Fandom: Veronica Mars

Pairing: Logan/Veronica implied
Rating: R

Warning: No dialogue, some language, frequent mentions of sex.
Spoilers: All if it - implied

Summary: They have a pattern.

Word Count: 667

Author’s Notes: An experiment. This came to me early one morning and half of it was written in my

Comments

[inthevast]

Hmm! I like it, very interesting and insightful.

I'm not really that sure on the status of this community either but I hope you can find someone to work with you on it if need be.

The style of this is very different so I'm not really sure I would be comfortable in doing beta-ing, since I'm kind of new with that or that this even really needs it.

They’re so in-tune with each other that when one sees this as today’s date the other groans in response.

I'm not really sure I get this sentence though.

[hokeysmoke]

kewl...

The part you didn't get...

The summer solstice is the first day of summer... June 21. I'm suggesting that when one of them is looking at a calendar and sees that it's 'today', the other responds to the fact that summer has arrived and they're going to be forced to slow down their sex stuff. Just an episode of being totally in-synch with each other.

[inthevast]

Why are they slowing it down? I'm sorry, I'm confused!

[hokeysmoke]

Cuz it's too hot. I know I'm less likely to get all groin-y with my guy if it's hot outside, even if the A/C is on.

[mastermia]

The community is still open. I will have some comments for you tomorrow if that's ok.

[hokeysmoke]

That's more than OK, especially since I wasn't sure if anyone was doing anything here.

[mastermia]

I have a few suggestions for some small changes to tighten things up. Ignore or use as you wish:

The combination of the earth’s tilt and the path it travels around the sun, it’s starting to get warmer and the nights are shortening. Verb/subject don't match and the sentence doesn't make much sense as written. You might try: Caused by the combination...

You might try: The sheen/trickle of perspiration is constant during this timenow, not just during sex. It's tighter.

Some days it’s ‘almost-hallway-sex’ (biting back ‘fuck yous’ as they pass each other). Grammatically there is a a lot going on here. Maybe drop the parenthesis for commas? Some days it’s ‘almost-hallway-sex,' biting back ‘fuck yous’ as they pass each other.

During these long hot days of summer, sex is something they engage in, not indulge in; they do not revel in it.Nice sentence, but a semi-colon will highlight the last part and make it punchier.

Oh, it’s still hot, but summer has lost its bite, its grip, its stranglehold. A little repetitive. You

[hokeysmoke]

Yes, very helpful. I'm thinking that the first line you commented on should be
"because of the earth's tilt and the path it travels around the...

The line you said was 'great'? Probably my favorite of this piece.

The 'diet' is more of a cutting back than a fast. Implied. I'll tweak it some, see if I can make it more clear.

I hadn't thought of them catching pneumonia. I was thinking that in southern California, it might get chilly, but not cold enough for them to get sick.

I'll work on that last paragraph, too. See what I can come up with.

Thanks so very much!

[mastermia]

Glad I could help. If you want me to take a look at another draft - you could e-mail it to me at mastermia [@] livejournal.com.

[hokeysmoke]

Done. Many thanks. Again.