Sisters Under The Skin, part 4: Connection (re-post, B5, 4/14)
This chapter is one of my favorites because well, it's just so darn angsty, and I had fun turning the relevant episode inside-out. This whole story is a soap opera, you do realize that?
Sisters Under Their Skin
Part Four: Connection
Standard disclaimer applies; not my characters or settings or backgrounds. But they are my words.
It was New Year's Eve. Anna had bought three bottles of champagne. It had to be cheap champagne, given her dwindling supply of funds. Actually all she had found was a Centauri knock-off of the good stuff. The blockade set up by Earth was very effective, and particularly effective for luxury goods. One bottle each for past, present, and future, she thought...or maybe one for each war that had defined her relationship with John. First had been the Earth-Minbari war, they were engaged before it started, and neither of them knew if they would survive to start their life together. For a moment her thoughts strayed and she wondered what Delenn had been doing during that horrible time. Then the Mars riots; John would laugh at her characterization of them as a war, but she'd always felt that that insurrection was the beginning of the Free Mars movement, and that eventually it would all end in terrible violence. And now the Shadow War; this was being fought with an enemy she barely understood. It seemed a bit over everyone's heads. The people back home didn't seem to even know it was going on, from what little current news came through to the station.
Earlier that day Anna had cracked John's privacy locks on his personal log entries. It bothered her at first, but hell, he was gone, and she would grasp at any piece of him she could find, to have and to hold. The fact that he'd lived three years of which she had no recollection, and in which she had played no part, disturbed her at a very deep level. Most of their marriage they had spent physically apart, but there was a deep emotional connection between them, and they always knew where each other was, and what they were up to. No matter, she was going to bond with him all over again, sipping champagne and learning all his secrets. Hysteria gave a sharp edge to her emotions, but there was no one to see and no one to care, not any more.
The log entries were double-locked, and it had taken her a couple of hours to crack the code. She had tried every place he'd been stationed, the name of every ship on which he'd served, nicknames and pet names for friends and family. Finally she'd gotten down to pets and tried 'King', the name of his first and best-beloved horse. That hadn't worked, but then she recalled her advice to him to link double passwords by theme, and tried 'Appaloosa'. When it worked, she immediately went to to 'King' for the second level and just like that, she was in. At least he hadn't used Lizzie's cat Obsidian.
So that evening she settled down with a tumbler of the bubbly wine and began to reconstruct John's life on Babylon 5. The early entries showed an uncertainty with the position that made her want to comfort him and reassure him that he could do anything. She'd always been certain of that. Lizzie had come to see him; that must have been when she gave him the crystal. The mention of Jack Maynard had brought a smile to her lips; that old reprobate was never anything but trouble. Then suddenly there was an awkward entry, mentioning dinner with Delenn. John was curt in his summation, but she could see he was both pleased and intrigued.
Stopping the playback, Anna set back in the padded chair she'd set facing the comscreen on the wall. An uneasy feeling crawled up her spine, and she wondered if this had been such a good idea. Continuing on through the log entries, the feeling grew. Delenn's name occurred more and more frequently, and she could tell John's trust in her was growing. Finally she hit the fatal entry, the one that made her drop her glass to the floor to shatter along with her heart.
'Here I am, in love with one of them.' John's words bit deep, and she covered her face with her hands. It explained so much of Delenn's attitude towards her, the concern, the reticence, the awkward moments that stank of guilt in retrospect. Fury rose up in her throat, but died down quickly. John had thought she was dead. So had Delenn. There was no betrayal, no falseness in either of them. It was just a big mess. Then she began to laugh, a laugh that descended quickly into near-hysteria. After all, they were both bereft now, she and Delenn. Maybe she should save a bottle for when her fellow mourner returned. Rising and going to the kitchen to get another tumbler, she filled it to the brim. No, she thought, why bother? She could always get some more.
New Year's Day passed in a haze. Anna didn't go out. She didn't even know if they celebrated Earth holidays out here. Three empty bottles stood in a straight, neat line on the kitchen counter. The glass fragments had been swept up and deposited in the trash. It had gone in on top of even more glass. Anna had searched for a bit, and found a broken snow globe tucked behind some canisters of tea in the kitchen. She remembered that globe; a memento of a long ago vacation. It was just like John to clean up the mess and hide the evidence. It made her laugh, for the first time that day. Yawning widely, she headed towards the bedroom. She'd been sleeping on the couch, but that wasn't going to do it today. As she walked, she tried to remember the last time she'd stayed up all night. It was during an expedition to the second moon of Orion, and they had been cataloging artifacts from a dig. The pick up flight was due first thing in the morning and everything had to be listed and packed away. Anna wondered if she'd ever work again, if IPX would hire her back after a three year disappearance. Her future was clouded but she found it hard to care.
That evening a brief message appeared on John's monitor. It was addressed to her, came from C&C and merely announced that the expedition had returned, and that it had been unsuccessful.
***************************
Anna wasn't looking forward to her next meeting with Delenn, now that she knew the nature of the relationship her new friend had formed with her husband. Intellectually she knew it was innocent, that John had moved on only after deep mourning for her. And Delenn, as far as she could tell, had fallen for John as hard as Anna Keller once had. How could she not understand that? But it wasn't Delenn that finally showed up, but Stephen Franklin.
"I'm sorry for your loss," said Stephen formally as he took the seat on the couch that Anna indicated.
Anna sat across from him in an overstuffed chair. "Thank you," she replied simply. "It's still sinking in. Everything is still sinking in, frankly." She crossed her legs and sighed heavily. "I don't know what I'm going to do now."
"Commander Ivanova says you're welcome to stay here as long as you like," began Stephen. "But that's not why I'm here."
"No?" replied Anna. "Why are you here?"
"Ivanova gave me the access codes for the Captain's files. She wants them downloaded and the computers locked down. She also wanted me to ask you if there was any personal possessions you wanted shipped to the Captain's family. There's likely to be another attack at some point, and if there's anything you want to get off the station, now's the time." Stephen looked uncomfortable at this pragmatic disposal of Sheridan's material goods. "You're his next of kin of course, but his parents or his sister might want some of his effects. It's easier to ship items than people. They may sit in Customs for a while, but there's no hurry in this case."
"I'll go through them," replied Anna. "Anything else?"
"Actually there is," said Stephen. He looked at her uneasily. "I may be breaking a confidence here, but I'm hoping you can help. There's something the matter with Delenn. Lennier came to me. He was worried. And when I spoke to her, well. She's racked with guilt, and I'm afraid she may even be suicidal." He cocked his head and examined Anna. "Do you understand why?"
Anna looked away from his probing gaze. "How did you know?"
Now it was Stephen's turn to look guilty. "Ivanova had your computer activity monitored. I was responsible for you while they were gone. I checked once or twice and saw you'd accessed the Captain's personal logs. I figured there'd be something in there about Delenn."
"There was," replied Anna briefly.
"How do you feel about it?" asked Stephen. "It was sort of an open secret around here, their relationship."
"Honestly, I don't know," said Anna. "It was quite a shock, but well, I suppose I can't blame either of them. They both thought I was dead, after all." Her voice was tight and every muscle tensed. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair, fingers sinking deep into the butter-soft fabric.
Stephen shook his head. "This is such a mess. And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I wondered if you had any ideas of how to convince Delenn that this is not what John would have wanted."
Anna looked at him, a strange wild expression flitting across her face. "You can't be serious. You're asking me?"
"I don't have anyone else to ask," replied Stephen honestly. "She's fasting as the Minbari do when mourning, but with her unique physiology I'm afraid she'll go too far." He sighed, then corrected himself. "I'm afraid she wants to go too far. That she wants to slip away after him."
With a deep sigh, Anna looked down and away. She seemed to be considering the possibilities. Finally, she said slowly, "There is one thing. It might work but no promises. I don't know her that well. Can you arrange for her to come here?"
"I think so," said Stephen. "You're not going to tell me what you're going to try, are you?"
That made Anna smile, a brittle broken shard of a smile. "No, I'm not."
***********************
Delenn approached John's quarters with no small amount of apprehension. She had not been back there since that disastrous night, the second night of the sleep-watching ritual, the night of Anna's return. Although the door was keyed to open to her fingerprint, she pushed the door chime and waited patiently for Anna to call for the door to open.
When the word came, she entered, finding a room clean and neat and bright. Glancing around surreptitiously, she did not see anything out of place. It was familiar, but she did not feel John's presence any more. That was unexpected, and also discomforting. Anna was standing in the kitchen, preparing tea for the two of them. "This is a new variety to me, but I quite like it," she said as she called to Delenn to join her.
Delenn approached and inhaled the scent rising from the cups. "It is a Minbari tea. John, Captain Sheridan, was fond of it, and I gifted him with some."
Anna closed her eyes for a moment. "I thought as much." She opened her eyes and examined Delenn closely. The other woman had dark shadows under her eyes, and her clothes hung loosely on her. There was a dullness to her hair and a glint of obsession in her eyes. Anna hadn't completely made up her mind as to her course of action, but once she saw Delenn, but she couldn't help but feel sorry for her. It was the right thing to do, to help the Minbari woman overcome her grief. Perhaps it would even help with her own. Swallowing hard, she stood and approached the wall monitor. Sliding her finger across the bottom, she activated it. Picking up a data crystal, she handed it to Delenn. "There is something I think you need to see."
Delenn took the crystal, and looked at Anna, curiosity warring with caution. "What is it?"
"Just watch it," Anna managed to say without choking on the words. "Please." And she turned away, going back into the kitchen area to allow Delenn the privacy of her reactions.
Delenn watched the log entry, emotions swirling in her head. She forgot Anna was there, forgot where she was, forgot, for just one moment, that John was dead. Reaching out one hand, she gently stroked the screen, touching the cool crystal. It didn't warm under her touch, didn't give and respond like living flesh. Trying to fly; it was a lovely metaphor. It was true for her as well. Every time she looked into his eyes, the sensation of falling was so strong. A clink of teacups from the other room roused her from her reverie. "Anna?" she said, suddenly coming back to the present.
"I'm here," replied Anna. She came up behind Delenn. "He loved you."
"He did," replied Delenn, her eyes still fixed on the screen. "And I loved him. I am sorry if that distresses you."
"It's not like I can't understand the attraction," said Anna wryly. "It hurt at first but I've come to accept it. After all, you didn't know."
Delenn was silent. She felt her heart healing within her chest, and knew that she could not reward such a gift as Anna had given her with dishonesty. "I did not know, but I suspected. I thought there was a chance that you might be alive," she said, feeling as if cotton filled her mouth. Her throat tightened on the next words, but she forced them out. She made herself look at Anna's shocked face as well, lifting her chin trying to maintain what dignity she could. "We knew...I thought I knew...what had happened to the Icarus. The landing, the choice offered to those who survived the initial encounter...what I could not be certain of was what choice you would make. To serve or to die? I did not know there was any other possibility." She choked on the next part but was determined to make a full confession. "I did not tell John any of this."
"Why not?" Anna blazed at her suddenly. She wanted to slap the other woman, and had to wrap her arms tightly around herself to keep from doing so. "How dare you start a relationship with him when there was a chance I might still be alive!" A red haze filled her vision as vague memories of searing pain tore through her brain. "You left me there, and...they did things, put things in my mind," she struggled to find the words her surging emotions were over-writing as she spoke. "John wouldn't have left me there," she finally spat out. "He would have come for me!"
Delenn remained still, hands hanging down at her side, but clenched tightly. She nodded slowly, face pale and drawn. "Yes," was all she said.
Anna bit back the next accusation as uncompromising reality hit her, cold and wet like an errant wave hitting her face, sucking her breath away. "He would have come for me," she repeated slowly, as the passion drained out of the statement. "You thought he would go, and that he would die there. That's why you didn't tell him." Suddenly she felt terribly tired.
"I thought he would have to go at some point." Delenn's voice was bleak and despairing. "But I did not want him to." Her shoulders slumped as if a weight had fallen onto them, and her hands began to shake. "I wanted to go with him."
"Oh God, Delenn," said Anna, passing her hand in front of her face, as if to block out what was happening. "We've lost him, haven't we?" Tears began to fall, unheeded, and she reached out to the other woman, pulling her into a loose embrace. "We're never going to see him again, either of us." There was no answer but Delenn's return grip tightened and Anna could feel the tremors that ran through her, through them both. It was strange to find comfort in betrayal, but find it she did. They stood together, rocking slightly, holding on to a budding friendship, born of mutual compassion and of mutual grief.
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