hb5
Often Go Awry (Pt. 5)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Scripps stuck his hands in his pockets as he made his way over to Posner’s room. His breath was freezing in front of him and he shivered. He felt something cold on his cheek and realised that he had started crying again. He wiped away the tears on his cheek and inhaled deeply. He would have to pull himself together before he reached Posner’s. He rounded a corner and entered the warmth of a hallway, running up the stairs until he reached Posner’s room. He knocked.
Posner opened the door; he looked weary and a little sick.
“Dakin told you,” he said, without a greeting. Scripps nodded. Posner stepped aside to let Scripps in and collapsed on his bed.
“Sit down,” he gestured to the place beside him on the bed but Scripps opted for the chair, not wanting to sit on the bed where Dakin had sucked Posner off. They waited awhile in silence.
“Are you angry at me?” Posner looked up, his eyes doe-like and cautious.
Scripps sighed. “No. I’m just a little shocked.”
Posner nodded. “I told Martin.”
Scripps’ head jerked up. “You did?”
“Yes,” Posner picked at his duvet, “I thought I ought to.”
“And?”
“Well, we broke it off. I must say I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it.”
“Are you upset?”
Posner shrugged. “Well, I’m not exactly happy about it, but I wasn’t in love with him. In fact, I’ve known for a while now that he likes me a lot more than I like him. That’s part of why I felt I had to tell him…I can’t imagine anything worse than hurting someone who’s in love with you.”
Scripps got up and crossed the room, so that Posner couldn’t see his face.
“It could be worse,” Scripps said, quietly, “You could be the one hurting.”
“That’s true, yes.” Posner grabbed his pillow and hugged it to his chest, like a little boy. “What exactly did Dakin tell you?”
“That he sucked you off,” Scripps said, haltingly, “And that you wanked him off, after.” He paused. “And that you kissed him.” And that you came in his mouth, and that you acted indifferent, and that you hurt him. And me.
“Ah,” Posner bit his lip. “Yes, he seemed quite…disturbed. I suppose he felt like he was lowering his standards considerably.”
“I think he was more upset about the fact that you used him.” Scripps picked up a piece of music from Posner’s desk: ‘Let’s Do It (Let’s Fall in Love)’. Scripps almost laughed.
“He said I used him?” Posner sat up a little.
“Not in so many words, no.”
“Scripps…”
Scripps didn’t say anything.
“Scripps, look at me.”
Scripps felt tears running down he cheeks again. Not now…
“Scripps, please.”
Scripps turned around. Posner got up immediately.
“What’s wrong?” He handed Scripps a tissue. “Is it something I’ve done?”
Scripps let out a strangled laugh that came out more like a moan. “You could say that, yeah.”
“Are you that angry at me?”
“I’m not angry at you!” Scripps sat on Posner’s chair, rubbing his brow. Posner’s eyes dawned with realisation.
“Oh God you’re not…You’re…”
Here it comes.
“You’re not in love with Dakin are you?”
Scripps laughed again. “Oh Pos, for all your Oxford scholarship and spaniel heart you’re completely clueless, aren’t you?”
Posner sat on his bed. “Sorry,” he muttered, “I just thought…”
“I’m not in love with Dakin,” Scripps said quietly.
“I know Scripps, I’m sorry.”
“No, Posner…I’m not in love with Dakin.” Scripps looked into Posner’s eyes, his own welling up again.
“What do you…” Posner inhaled quickly. “You don’t mean - “
Scripps nodded.
“You’re in love with…you love…”
“You,” Scripps finished quietly.
Posner got up. He made his way over to Scripps and knelt beside the chair. Scripps’ heart was racing. Then Posner pulled him into a hug.
“I’m sorry, Scripps. I’m so sorry.”
Scripps gripped Posner’s shoulders, bunching the fabric of his jumper. His face felt hot and Posner’s neck was cool and if he could just kiss him now then everything would be alright. He raised his head and tilted his face towards Posner’s.
“Please,” he whispered. Posner was shaking, tears filling his eyes too.
“I’m sorry, Scripps.” He murmured. “I can’t.”
Scripps panicked. “No you can, Pos! You can! Here,” He grabbed Posner’s hand and slid it under his shirt. “Do it with me like you did it with Dakin; I’ll do anything you want me to. It doesn’t have to mean anything -“
“But it would for you.” Posner took Scripps’ face in his hands and kissed his forehead.
“Please,” Scripps whimpered.
Posner shook his head. “No, Scripps. I can’t do that.” He looked pained as Scripps pulled away from him, burying his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.
“Not to you,” Posner finished, quietly.
“Want to go for a drink?” Dakin turned up at his door later that day, sheepish and wary. Scripps looked at the man who had had Posner in a way he never could.
“Not really.”
Dakin blanched. “Look, I really want to talk to you. Please?”
“Let’s get a coffee, then,” Scripps sighed. “I don’t want anything to drink.”
“Okay, yeah.”
A few minutes later they were stirring sugar into coffee and avoiding the elephant in the room.
Finally Dakin spoke up. “Do you hate me now?”
“Why would I hate you?” Scripps said, colourlessly.
“Well…Your religion doesn’t exactly -“
Scripps laughed, grimly. “If stuff like that bothered me, Dakin, I’d have been angry at you about Fiona and Irwin and half a dozen others.”
Dakin smirked, “I do get around, don’t I?”
“Cocky bastard.”
Dakin toasted Scripps then took a drink of his coffee; he looked down at it and sighed.
“Awful,” he said, shaking his head, “Why on earth didn’t you want to have a drink?”
Scripps shrugged. “I didn’t feel like it, it seems like every time we have a drink people end up fighting or fucking,” Scripps looked up, a twinkle in his eye, “And I didn’t feel like doing either with you.”
“Cheeky bastard.” Dakin got up to order another coffee, and Scripps watched him as he walked away. He certainly had a nice arse, there was no denying that. He was slender and sophisticated-looking, despite the ridiculously gelled hair and childish grin. He was definitely good-looking. Scripps sighed. No wonder Posner was attracted to him. Scripps thought about his own skinny, freckled arse and pale skin and knew why Posner would never want him. He wasn’t confident or grown-up or good-looking like Dakin.
“Anyone home?” Dakin plopped himself down next to Scripps, coffee in hand.
“Oh yes, sorry.” Scripps cleared his throat.
“Well, I was saying, I wrote Irwin a letter the other day.”
Scripps almost spat out his coffee. “You did what?”
“It’s not that unusual to write your former teacher a letter to let him know how you’re doing at uni.”
“Yeah, but it’s a little more unusual when you’ve offered to have that teacher suck you off.”
“Maybe…He wrote back.”
“What did he say?” Scripps grabbed the letter Dakin pulled out of his pocket. Dakin grabbed it back, but not before Scripps got a good look at the envelope. “He gave you his home address!”
“Well it’s hard to write a letter without a return address.” Dakin looked sulky.
“I thought he’d just write the school’s one down, the one you wrote to.”
“He’s not my teacher anymore Scripps.” Dakin gulped his coffee and looked uncomfortable.
Scripps sighed. “Why do you always do this?”
“What?”
“You try to cause arguments!” Scripps felt his neck heating up. “You knew I’d react that way when you told me about Irwin, and yet you act all shocked and offended.”
Dakin bit his lip. “Sorry Scripps.” He looked up. “It hasn’t exactly been a great week.”
Scripps snorted. “Tell me about it.”
It was then that they both looked up and saw Posner coming in to buy a coffee. Dakin turned his head away and started to drink his coffee very quickly without stopping, as if that would keep him from being seen. Scripps, on the other hand, couldn’t take his eyes off Posner. He looked stressed and tired, and Scripps felt bad for contributing to his stress. He just wanted to stroke Posner’s hair away from his face and kiss his brow.
Posner turned around and saw him and Dakin. His cheeks flushed a deep red. He looked unsure oh whether or not to go over to them, or whether to sneak out as if he hadn’t seen them. Scripps snorted; the only thing that could make this moment more uncomfortable is if Martin suddenly turned up. Posner seemed to make a decision and strode towards him and Dakin.
“He’s coming over.” Scripps whispered.
“Shit.” Dakin was about to get up and leave but Posner beat him to it.
“Hello guys,” he cleared his throat and looked awkward until Scripps pulled him up a chair, much to the dismay of Dakin, who kicked him under the table. Posner sat down and sipped his coffee.
“So…” Scripps began.
“I’m leaving,” Dakin got up, abruptly. He nodded at Scripps and strode out of the room as fast as his feet would carry him.
Posner raised his eyebrows. “So…he’s still uncomfortable about what happened.”
Scripps laughed, “I suppose you could say that.” Scripps stared at the bottom of his cup. “I think he’s more uncomfortable with it because he was the one that…”
“Yes.” Posner blushed a little. “How are you…Scripps?”
“I’m - “ Scripps halted and took in a deep breath. “I’m…fine.”
Posner looked guiltily at Scripps. “I’d never have guessed you were…that way inclined.”
Scripps smiled, grimly, “Well no one would, considering for the past couple of years I’ve been no way inclined.”
Posner chuckled slightly and blew on his coffee. “I’m sorry I couldn’t - Well you know.”
“Yeah, I do. It’s okay, I understand. I’m not good-looking like Dakin or -“
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Well,” Scripps gulped, “I know you did it with Dakin because he’s sexy and funny and I’m just - “
“No!” Posner grabbed Scripps’ shoulders. “No, Scripps! That’s not at all why I wouldn’t do anything with you! I chose not to do anything with you because I care about you, because I respect you, because I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt you! I love you, Scripps, you’re one of my best friends. I couldn’t imagine messing around with your emotions, especially not if - “ Posner let go of Scripps’ shoulders and took one of his hands instead, “Especially not if you’re in love with me.”
Scripps dropped his head: he couldn’t look Posner in the eye.
“I’m only sorry it had to be me. Because I’m not worth it.” Posner sounded sad.
“But you are, Pos,” Scripps said quietly, “You have no idea how perfect you are.”
Posner blushed and pulled his hand away. He saw Scripps’ cup was empty and smiled.
“More coffee?”