Raising Hell (Or Not)
Title: Raising Hell (Or Not) 1/?
Author: vivhasarifle
Rating: PG-13, for now.
Genre and/or Pairing: Pre-slash, Cas/Dean, AU, kid!fic.
Characters: Dean, Castiel, Sam, Gabriel(ish), Cupid.
Spoilers: This is AU because of 5x19, but no spoilers for the episode. General four and five to be safe, but there should be nothing specific. 5x14.
Warnings: Bizarre plot? Swearing.
Word Count: 2061
Summary: When the world doesn’t end, Gabriel finally has to answer for his frolicking, unfortunately, so do Cas and Dean.
Notes: I’ve always wanted to write kid!fic, but I’ve never quite been brave enough. So hopefully, people will actually like this. I had intended to write a traditional Gabe!fic but…best laid plans and all that.
Dean sighed and put his cards down.
“Cas,” he said firmly, “When you’re playing against someone at poker you’re not supposed to ask them for advice.”
Cas’ brow furrowed. “But I am unsure of what to do with these cards.” He looked down. “I have a nine of spades, a ten of spades, a jack of spades, a queen of spades and a king of spades,” he looked at Dean, “What am I meant to do?”
Dean contemplated being honest, but then he did have fifty dollars riding on this game, “I’d fold, Cas, there’s nothing you can do with those.”
Cas nodded, “If you think that’s best-”
“Don’t listen to him, Cas, he’s lying to you,” Sam said from the bed.
“Sam!” Dean snapped, “Come on man, help a brother out.”
“I’ve won?” Cas said incredulously, and Dean sighed and set his hand down. “Yeah,” he said miserably, putting his cards down and watching Cas uncertainly pull of the money, all of Dean’s money, towards him.
Cas caught sight of Dean’s miserable face and held the bills out to him. “Do you want it back?”
“Cas,” Sam said from the bed, looking up once more from Crime and Punishment, “You won the money, it’s yours.”
Dean sighed. “He’s right, Cas. But, you can buy me fifty dollars worth of drinks later if you want.”
Cas smiled. “That seems like an acceptable arrangement.”
Dean returned Cas’ smile.
“Well isn’t this just super!”
Castiel, Sam, and Dean turned around sharply, and were greeted with the ever-unwelcome sight of a very naked angel in their room.
Dean grimaced. “Cupid?” Then he frowned. “Are you holding a baby?”
Cupid nodded gleefully. “It’s why I couldn’t hug you!” he explained, as if they were all dying of the disappointment.
Castiel frowned at the naked man, who was indeed holding an equally naked baby.
“Whose child is this?” he asked slowly, and Cupid beamed.
“It’s Gabriel!” he cried, happily.
Sam’s jaw dropped and he got off the bed. “Gabriel? The archangel?”
Cupid shook his head. “Not anymore, huh little guy?” He looked down at the baby and tickled his chin.
Dean shook his head. “I…I’m sorry what? Why is Gabriel a baby? And more importantly, why have you brought him here?”
Cupid looked up from the child. “Well, I’m here because the cherubs are part of the few angels that are allowed to come down to earth now that Father’s back,” he grinned happily. “Father said we kept doing our job throughout the whole apocalypse fiasco, and so he rewarded us.”
Castiel nodded gravely and turned towards Dean, “The Lord appreciates productivity,” he clarified.
Dean raised an eyebrow. “I think I got it. What I don’t get is why Gabriel is a baby.”
The baby fussed and Cupid began to absent-mindedly rock him, “This is Gabriel’s punishment.”
Castiel looked completely confused. “Punishment?”
Cupid nodded. “For running away,” he continued, “Father told him that if he loved spending time on earth so much, he could do it right, and do it from the beginning, instead of using some poor sucker’s body for centuries. Needless to say, Gabriel wasn’t happy.”
Castiel snorted. “I imagine not,” he replied, tilting his head to the side and studying the baby. “Does Gabriel remember anything?”
Cupid shook his head. “Not a thing, it’s a completely fresh, human start.”
Castiel raised an eyebrow. “What sort of punishment is that?”
Cupid shrugged. “I think the blow to former Gabriel’s ego may have been enough of a punishment in itself. On top of that, the Lord was sort of looking for a way to kill two birds with one stone.”
Dean closed his eyes. He didn’t like the sound of that.
“What do you mean?” Sam asked Cupid.
“Well,” he replied, “God wanted to reward your brother for saving the world, and what your bother has always wanted, above anything else,” Cupid fixed Dean with a stare, “Is family.”
And with that the naked angel plopped the baby Gabriel into Dean’s arms, and before Dean could even splutter a protest the angel backed up and waved.
“Congratulations Dean!” he said happily, before disappearing.
Dean blinked. Several times.
“I…” he looked down at the baby, who immediately began wailing as if his life depended on it.
“Oh shit,” he muttered, holding the baby against his chest and jigging him up and down in a futile attempt at quieting him. He looked at Sam and Castiel with desperate eyes.
“A little help here?!”
Castiel held out his arms and looked completely lost.
“Cas,” Dean said, warily, “Have you ever held a baby before?”
Cas dropped his arms and Gabriel’s wails mounted to out-and-out screams.
“Maybe he’s hungry,” Sam suggested, helpfully.
“Well we don’t have anything for him! Fucking angels and their…fuck!” he yelled, and Gabriel screamed louder. “Shit,” he muttered, bouncing the baby again. “Shh, shhh,” he turned to Sam and barked orders at him. “Okay,” he said, “You’re going to go out, and you’re gonna get formula, bottles, and clothes…and diapers…just anything! Get anything a baby needs.”
Sam nodded. “Okay…what size stuff am I supposed to get?”
Dean held the screaming baby away from him. “He looks like he’s like…four months old, so get five months just in case, and for fuck’s sake hurry back!”
Sam grabbed Dean’s keys and was out of the door before Dean had even finished talking.
“Cas,” Dean said quietly. “The next time you go back to heaven I want you to punch your Dad in the face.”
Castiel bit his lip. “I don’t think he’d appreciate that.”
Dean sighed and put his finger in Gabriel’s mouth because he remembered that working when Sammy was a baby. Sure enough, Gabriel was quieted for a while, until he realized there was no milk coming from Dean’s finger and he started crying even louder than before.
Dean glared at him. “You’re as annoying a baby as you were an angel.”
Gabriel stopped crying long enough to giggle at him, then screamed even louder than before.
“Why do your bosses do this to me, Cas?”
“Apparently they thought you would welcome a child.”
Dean laughed grimly, “Yeah, or they decided to make Gabriel a baby and needed just the right dummy to foist him off on.”
Castiel cocked his head and stared at the baby. “He is very desperate for sustenance.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m aware, but it’s not like I can do anything about until Sam gets back.”
Castiel disappeared.
“Great,” Dean muttered, “Now I’m completely on my own with a screaming kid.” He looked down at the baby in his arms. “I know you’re innocent and all, but you should know that you’re going to grow up to be an asshole.”
The baby kept crying.
“Strike that, you’re an asshole now.”
“Here,” Castiel reappeared and held a bottle out to Dean.
“Cas!” Dean grabbed the bottle, placing it in Gabriel’s mouth, resisting the urge to choke the baby with it. “Where’d you get it?”
“There is a woman a few streets over with an infant, it was inside her microwave.”
Dean closed his eyes. “You stole it?”
“She had others I’m sure,” Castiel said, “And Gabriel was getting very distressed.”
“I can’t…How am I supposed to do this Cas? They’ve dropped a friggin’ baby in my lap. I live in motel rooms! I’m not…shit.”
Castile sat down next to Dean as Gabriel finished the bottle, and watched him lift the baby onto his shoulder and pat his back until he burped.
“You seem to be doing fine,” Castiel observed.
Dean shrugged. “I basically raised Sammy, and it’s not something you really forget how to do.”
“Well,” Castiel said, watching Dean cradle the finally quiet Gabriel, “I’d be honored if you would let me help you in this situation.”
Dean snorted. “It’s cute that you thought you even had an option.”
Castiel smiled, until Gabriel started fussing again.
“He can’t be hungry again,” the angel said, perplexed.
Dean looked down.
“Nope,” he said with a deep resignation. “He just pissed on me.”
Sam eventually turned up with all the baby supplies, and Dean nearly had to kill him for laughing when he realized that baby Gabriel had urinated all over Dean’s favorite jeans.
“Well it’s your freaking fault! How in hell does it take an hour to get baby stuff?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Believe it or not, it takes a while to get ‘anything a baby needs’. Here,” Sam tossed a package of diapers at Dean, “Go nuts.”
Dean threw the diapers back at Sam. “Oh, no, you can change the diapers.”
“I’m not the one Cupid gave the kid to, Dad.”
“Shut up!” Dean looked over at the (thankfully snoozing) baby on the bed. “Okay…diapers. Cas?”
The angel looked up from Dean’s copy of Slaughterhouse V and met Dean’s eyes. “Yes, Dean?”
“How are you at diapers?”
Castiel shrugged. “I’m not sure. What exactly are they?”
Dean groaned in frustration, “Fine, I guess I’ll have to do it.” He ripped open the diapers and grabbed the box of baby wipes Sam bought.
“Really Sammy, Pampers? You couldn’t have bought the bargain brand?”
Sam rubbed his brow. “I was trying to be quick, Dean, okay? There’s no manual on shopping for ex-angels-turned-babies-suddenly-dumped-on-your-brothers-lap.”
Dean sighed. “You’re right, Sammy, I’m sorry. I’m just a little…lost here. Why don’t you do something useful and Google baby care or something?”
Sam nodded and opened the laptop, typing furiously.
“Cas,” Dean said, wearily, “Come here, if you’re going to be helping out with this you need to know how to put a diaper on.”
Cas wandered apprehensively over to the bed and watched as Dean cleaned Gabriel with the wipes and powdered him.
“Why are you putting that on?” Cas asked, seriously.
“Because,” Dean replied, “If you don’t use the powder or a cream or something babies get a rash from the diaper.”
“So why put the diaper on?” Cas asked, curiously.
“Because otherwise, as you have seen, they piss and do other unspeakable things all over you.”
Castiel nodded. “I see.” He watched as Dean wrapped the diaper around the child.
“Hey good job, Sam, these are actually the right size,” Dean said, as he finished the job distastefully.
“Yeah, no problem,” Sam replied. “So listen, when was the last time you fed him?”
“Like, an hour and a half ago?”
“Okay, well it says here that a child of four to six months should have 26-32 ounces of formula a day spread out over 4 to 7 feedings, and that they’ll generally let you know when they’re hungry, so don’t force them to eat, or withhold food because they shouldn’t be hungry yet.”
“Okay,” Dean said, grabbing one of the onesies Sam had picked up and easing Gabriel into it; it was a little big, but Dean figured he’d grow into it.
Grow into it? Jesus, Dean was already thinking like he was going to be keeping the kid around.
“We should think of a birthday for him,” Castiel said, suddenly.
Dean looked up from the struggling baby who was absolutely refusing to let Dean button up his clothes. “Huh?”
“Is this not customary for humans?”
Sam looked up from the laptop, “Well, yeah, but you can’t just make-up a birthday.”
Castiel’s brow furrowed. “I don’t see why not. He should have a time to celebrate as he grows up, like other children.”
Dean finally succeeded in dressing Gabriel and handed him off to Sam.
“I can’t deal with this right now,” he said slowly, “You take him. Cas?”
The angel fixed him with a stare. “Yes, Dean?”
“I think it’s about time you bought me those drinks.”
Author: vivhasarifle
Rating: PG-13, for now.
Genre and/or Pairing: Pre-slash, Cas/Dean, AU, kid!fic.
Characters: Dean, Castiel, Sam, Gabriel(ish), Cupid.
Spoilers: This is AU because of 5x19, but no spoilers for the episode. General four and five to be safe, but there should be nothing specific. 5x14.
Warnings: Bizarre plot? Swearing.
Word Count: 2061
Summary: When the world doesn’t end, Gabriel finally has to answer for his frolicking, unfortunately, so do Cas and Dean.
Notes: I’ve always wanted to write kid!fic, but I’ve never quite been brave enough. So hopefully, people will actually like this. I had intended to write a traditional Gabe!fic but…best laid plans and all that.
Dean sighed and put his cards down.
“Cas,” he said firmly, “When you’re playing against someone at poker you’re not supposed to ask them for advice.”
Cas’ brow furrowed. “But I am unsure of what to do with these cards.” He looked down. “I have a nine of spades, a ten of spades, a jack of spades, a queen of spades and a king of spades,” he looked at Dean, “What am I meant to do?”
Dean contemplated being honest, but then he did have fifty dollars riding on this game, “I’d fold, Cas, there’s nothing you can do with those.”
Cas nodded, “If you think that’s best-”
“Don’t listen to him, Cas, he’s lying to you,” Sam said from the bed.
“Sam!” Dean snapped, “Come on man, help a brother out.”
“I’ve won?” Cas said incredulously, and Dean sighed and set his hand down. “Yeah,” he said miserably, putting his cards down and watching Cas uncertainly pull of the money, all of Dean’s money, towards him.
Cas caught sight of Dean’s miserable face and held the bills out to him. “Do you want it back?”
“Cas,” Sam said from the bed, looking up once more from Crime and Punishment, “You won the money, it’s yours.”
Dean sighed. “He’s right, Cas. But, you can buy me fifty dollars worth of drinks later if you want.”
Cas smiled. “That seems like an acceptable arrangement.”
Dean returned Cas’ smile.
“Well isn’t this just super!”
Castiel, Sam, and Dean turned around sharply, and were greeted with the ever-unwelcome sight of a very naked angel in their room.
Dean grimaced. “Cupid?” Then he frowned. “Are you holding a baby?”
Cupid nodded gleefully. “It’s why I couldn’t hug you!” he explained, as if they were all dying of the disappointment.
Castiel frowned at the naked man, who was indeed holding an equally naked baby.
“Whose child is this?” he asked slowly, and Cupid beamed.
“It’s Gabriel!” he cried, happily.
Sam’s jaw dropped and he got off the bed. “Gabriel? The archangel?”
Cupid shook his head. “Not anymore, huh little guy?” He looked down at the baby and tickled his chin.
Dean shook his head. “I…I’m sorry what? Why is Gabriel a baby? And more importantly, why have you brought him here?”
Cupid looked up from the child. “Well, I’m here because the cherubs are part of the few angels that are allowed to come down to earth now that Father’s back,” he grinned happily. “Father said we kept doing our job throughout the whole apocalypse fiasco, and so he rewarded us.”
Castiel nodded gravely and turned towards Dean, “The Lord appreciates productivity,” he clarified.
Dean raised an eyebrow. “I think I got it. What I don’t get is why Gabriel is a baby.”
The baby fussed and Cupid began to absent-mindedly rock him, “This is Gabriel’s punishment.”
Castiel looked completely confused. “Punishment?”
Cupid nodded. “For running away,” he continued, “Father told him that if he loved spending time on earth so much, he could do it right, and do it from the beginning, instead of using some poor sucker’s body for centuries. Needless to say, Gabriel wasn’t happy.”
Castiel snorted. “I imagine not,” he replied, tilting his head to the side and studying the baby. “Does Gabriel remember anything?”
Cupid shook his head. “Not a thing, it’s a completely fresh, human start.”
Castiel raised an eyebrow. “What sort of punishment is that?”
Cupid shrugged. “I think the blow to former Gabriel’s ego may have been enough of a punishment in itself. On top of that, the Lord was sort of looking for a way to kill two birds with one stone.”
Dean closed his eyes. He didn’t like the sound of that.
“What do you mean?” Sam asked Cupid.
“Well,” he replied, “God wanted to reward your brother for saving the world, and what your bother has always wanted, above anything else,” Cupid fixed Dean with a stare, “Is family.”
And with that the naked angel plopped the baby Gabriel into Dean’s arms, and before Dean could even splutter a protest the angel backed up and waved.
“Congratulations Dean!” he said happily, before disappearing.
Dean blinked. Several times.
“I…” he looked down at the baby, who immediately began wailing as if his life depended on it.
“Oh shit,” he muttered, holding the baby against his chest and jigging him up and down in a futile attempt at quieting him. He looked at Sam and Castiel with desperate eyes.
“A little help here?!”
Castiel held out his arms and looked completely lost.
“Cas,” Dean said, warily, “Have you ever held a baby before?”
Cas dropped his arms and Gabriel’s wails mounted to out-and-out screams.
“Maybe he’s hungry,” Sam suggested, helpfully.
“Well we don’t have anything for him! Fucking angels and their…fuck!” he yelled, and Gabriel screamed louder. “Shit,” he muttered, bouncing the baby again. “Shh, shhh,” he turned to Sam and barked orders at him. “Okay,” he said, “You’re going to go out, and you’re gonna get formula, bottles, and clothes…and diapers…just anything! Get anything a baby needs.”
Sam nodded. “Okay…what size stuff am I supposed to get?”
Dean held the screaming baby away from him. “He looks like he’s like…four months old, so get five months just in case, and for fuck’s sake hurry back!”
Sam grabbed Dean’s keys and was out of the door before Dean had even finished talking.
“Cas,” Dean said quietly. “The next time you go back to heaven I want you to punch your Dad in the face.”
Castiel bit his lip. “I don’t think he’d appreciate that.”
Dean sighed and put his finger in Gabriel’s mouth because he remembered that working when Sammy was a baby. Sure enough, Gabriel was quieted for a while, until he realized there was no milk coming from Dean’s finger and he started crying even louder than before.
Dean glared at him. “You’re as annoying a baby as you were an angel.”
Gabriel stopped crying long enough to giggle at him, then screamed even louder than before.
“Why do your bosses do this to me, Cas?”
“Apparently they thought you would welcome a child.”
Dean laughed grimly, “Yeah, or they decided to make Gabriel a baby and needed just the right dummy to foist him off on.”
Castiel cocked his head and stared at the baby. “He is very desperate for sustenance.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m aware, but it’s not like I can do anything about until Sam gets back.”
Castiel disappeared.
“Great,” Dean muttered, “Now I’m completely on my own with a screaming kid.” He looked down at the baby in his arms. “I know you’re innocent and all, but you should know that you’re going to grow up to be an asshole.”
The baby kept crying.
“Strike that, you’re an asshole now.”
“Here,” Castiel reappeared and held a bottle out to Dean.
“Cas!” Dean grabbed the bottle, placing it in Gabriel’s mouth, resisting the urge to choke the baby with it. “Where’d you get it?”
“There is a woman a few streets over with an infant, it was inside her microwave.”
Dean closed his eyes. “You stole it?”
“She had others I’m sure,” Castiel said, “And Gabriel was getting very distressed.”
“I can’t…How am I supposed to do this Cas? They’ve dropped a friggin’ baby in my lap. I live in motel rooms! I’m not…shit.”
Castile sat down next to Dean as Gabriel finished the bottle, and watched him lift the baby onto his shoulder and pat his back until he burped.
“You seem to be doing fine,” Castiel observed.
Dean shrugged. “I basically raised Sammy, and it’s not something you really forget how to do.”
“Well,” Castiel said, watching Dean cradle the finally quiet Gabriel, “I’d be honored if you would let me help you in this situation.”
Dean snorted. “It’s cute that you thought you even had an option.”
Castiel smiled, until Gabriel started fussing again.
“He can’t be hungry again,” the angel said, perplexed.
Dean looked down.
“Nope,” he said with a deep resignation. “He just pissed on me.”
Sam eventually turned up with all the baby supplies, and Dean nearly had to kill him for laughing when he realized that baby Gabriel had urinated all over Dean’s favorite jeans.
“Well it’s your freaking fault! How in hell does it take an hour to get baby stuff?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Believe it or not, it takes a while to get ‘anything a baby needs’. Here,” Sam tossed a package of diapers at Dean, “Go nuts.”
Dean threw the diapers back at Sam. “Oh, no, you can change the diapers.”
“I’m not the one Cupid gave the kid to, Dad.”
“Shut up!” Dean looked over at the (thankfully snoozing) baby on the bed. “Okay…diapers. Cas?”
The angel looked up from Dean’s copy of Slaughterhouse V and met Dean’s eyes. “Yes, Dean?”
“How are you at diapers?”
Castiel shrugged. “I’m not sure. What exactly are they?”
Dean groaned in frustration, “Fine, I guess I’ll have to do it.” He ripped open the diapers and grabbed the box of baby wipes Sam bought.
“Really Sammy, Pampers? You couldn’t have bought the bargain brand?”
Sam rubbed his brow. “I was trying to be quick, Dean, okay? There’s no manual on shopping for ex-angels-turned-babies-suddenly-dumped-on-your-brothers-lap.”
Dean sighed. “You’re right, Sammy, I’m sorry. I’m just a little…lost here. Why don’t you do something useful and Google baby care or something?”
Sam nodded and opened the laptop, typing furiously.
“Cas,” Dean said, wearily, “Come here, if you’re going to be helping out with this you need to know how to put a diaper on.”
Cas wandered apprehensively over to the bed and watched as Dean cleaned Gabriel with the wipes and powdered him.
“Why are you putting that on?” Cas asked, seriously.
“Because,” Dean replied, “If you don’t use the powder or a cream or something babies get a rash from the diaper.”
“So why put the diaper on?” Cas asked, curiously.
“Because otherwise, as you have seen, they piss and do other unspeakable things all over you.”
Castiel nodded. “I see.” He watched as Dean wrapped the diaper around the child.
“Hey good job, Sam, these are actually the right size,” Dean said, as he finished the job distastefully.
“Yeah, no problem,” Sam replied. “So listen, when was the last time you fed him?”
“Like, an hour and a half ago?”
“Okay, well it says here that a child of four to six months should have 26-32 ounces of formula a day spread out over 4 to 7 feedings, and that they’ll generally let you know when they’re hungry, so don’t force them to eat, or withhold food because they shouldn’t be hungry yet.”
“Okay,” Dean said, grabbing one of the onesies Sam had picked up and easing Gabriel into it; it was a little big, but Dean figured he’d grow into it.
Grow into it? Jesus, Dean was already thinking like he was going to be keeping the kid around.
“We should think of a birthday for him,” Castiel said, suddenly.
Dean looked up from the struggling baby who was absolutely refusing to let Dean button up his clothes. “Huh?”
“Is this not customary for humans?”
Sam looked up from the laptop, “Well, yeah, but you can’t just make-up a birthday.”
Castiel’s brow furrowed. “I don’t see why not. He should have a time to celebrate as he grows up, like other children.”
Dean finally succeeded in dressing Gabriel and handed him off to Sam.
“I can’t deal with this right now,” he said slowly, “You take him. Cas?”
The angel fixed him with a stare. “Yes, Dean?”
“I think it’s about time you bought me those drinks.”