Find Me
Title: Find Me
Pairing: Jonghyun/Onew, General OT5
Rating: R (the sex isn’t really that graphic OTL)
Notes: Isn’t it amazing what the mind comes up with when you close everybody off and focus only on yourself?
--
Jinki just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep until he couldn’t sleep anymore, be awake for an hour, and then just go back to sleep for an innumerable amount of time. His head felt thick, heavy, ten times its normal weight as he lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He could still read it, in his mind’s eye - still see the letters written on the paper, typed up neatly and coldly, no hint of any sort of personal, close relations to him or the other members.
You will be dearly missed, as five.
The disbandment of SHINee was surreal. It wasn’t real. Was it? They had been broken up and cast aside, some new up-and-coming boy group outshining them and the hard truth, the raw fact was that SHINee wasn’t even meant to succeed in the first place. They were created to be driven into the ground, a test-group, a demonstration of what could be, what could have been. Of course they had known. They had known from day one as the imposing CEO sat them down and explained their purpose of existence, they had known on the day that they had gotten the letter addressed to all of them, for the last time, as a single unit.
They had been packed up and shipped off to different places; Kibum had decided to return to Daegu, Taemin was back with his parents. Minho stayed in the dorm complex, signing a different contract, for modeling and acting. Jonghyun had disappeared, he wasn’t even writing anymore, and Jinki…
Well, things were never easy for the leader.
They had left him in the dorm, the dorm that was now so painfully empty of the people that previously occupied it. How cruel was fate? How cruel was their manager to even suggest that Jinki stay here? He could go home if he wanted. He could go back to his family, he could see his mom and dad and maybe he could just go to the college they wanted to, that rich, snobby med school that his mother dreamed of Jinki one day attending.
But, he didn’t.
Because even in the loneliness of this dorm there were memories encased in every inch of air, entwined in the fabric of the couch, echoing in the shared bathroom. It was a place that Jinki couldn’t leave because SHINee had been something so much bigger than him, bigger than all of them and something that big typically left a big hole in the heart, and Jinki was starting to feel like he didn’t have a heart anymore, at all.
--
Hours of sleep turned into days. Jinki would come out and eat when his stomach pains got so unbearable that he could barely move - and he would stuff himself until he felt like puking, before heading back to bed and burrowing under the covers.
Even so, the comfort of the room was lost. Instead of three beds there was one, instead of a giant, sectioned dresser there was one, instead of tediously positioned plastic in the closet to separate sections there were just clothes on hangers, lifeless without a human inside of them. There was no comfort in the fact that when Jinki’s toes got cold he couldn’t scoot into Taemin’s bed and play footsie with the maknae, there was no comfort in the fact that when he had a hard time waking up at any given time when Kibum wasn’t there to smack him in the face with a pillow.
Empty.
Everything was just undeniably, irrevocably… empty.
Occasionally, whenever he decided to step out of his bedroom and go somewhere other than the kitchen or bathroom, he would wander to the other room. One bed was kept in there, a spare, ‘for guests’ his manager had once said.
What guests?
Everything was relatively the same. At least, visually. There was no manly smell, of sweat and bench pressing and soccer balls. There was no electricity buzzing through the air from video game consoles left turned on, paused so their player could wander out and be social for once. There was no feeling of pride, of accomplishment, with the absence of the laptop on the desk, or the notebooks that used to be littered around it.
And in his own room, there was no lingering smell of expensive hand lotion, no feeling of fingers teasingly tickling his feet while he tried to sleep in.
Jinki wondered briefly, as he leaned against the door frame to the ‘guest bedroom’, looking inside with his arms folded over his chest.
He couldn’t help but wonder…
Would it be less lonely if he just didn’t exist?
--
A knocking on the dorm door startled Jinki out of a doze on the couch, his torso sitting up and looking around, dazed. He had fallen asleep with the television on - today he had actually gone out and acted like a living person, getting groceries and even bumping into a few old fans to sign autographs and take pictures. He had felt ragged, inside, even though he had showered and dressed nicely. He hoped none of the cameras caught the loneliness in his eyes.
The knock came again, fiercer and more demanding, a familiar voice trickling through the wood.
“I know you’re home, you old hermit!”
Jinki scrambled off of the couch and bumped his shin into the coffee table, cursing under his breath as he skidded on socked feet to the door. Twenty-three years old, a year and a half after the demise of SHINee and Jinki still couldn’t navigate his home safely.
He swung open the door without even checking the peephole, barely getting the lock open as the wood surface gave way to reveal a fairly irritated Kibum.
The younger man opened his mouth to speak but Jinki pulled him into a tight hug, his strong arms wrapping around Kibum’s body in a bone-crushing way, Kibum letting out a surprised, choked gasp as his arms awkwardly wound around the ex-leader’s body.
“J-Jinki, I can’t… hyung, I can’t breathe, let go,” Kibum wheezed.
Jinki let go immediately, but pulled Kibum inside and shut the door behind them. Kibum was already collected, carefully taking off his scarf and his hat, putting them up on the coat hooks that haven’t been used for a year and a half, as he toed out of his shoes and gave Jinki a questioning look.
“What are you looking at?”
The older man blinked, and blushed slightly at being caught. He had been looking at Kibum, unsure if he was dreaming, a bit perplexed at the younger man’s sudden appearance. But Kibum was real - his expensive cologne wafted through Jinki’s nostrils, his sharp cheekbones were slightly rosy from the breeze outside - and Jinki smiled, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his neck.
“Just surprised, Kibum ah,” Jinki said softly.
He invited Kibum in and Kibum revealed that he was in town trying to fight with his lawyer to get his contact permanently ended. Kibum said it wasn’t fair that the company intentionally drove them into the ground and expected them to keep up with their contract, ‘in case of future prospects we might find you useful for’. To Kibum it was a load of bullshit and he couldn’t get on with his life with the contract looming over his head.
In the past year and a half Kibum had dropped out of college, deciding to forgo any sort of educational degree. He had opened up a small thrift shop in his hometown, where he designed and created most of the clothing and accessories, the majority of the proceeds going towards a charity in Daegu. He was still in touch with Taemin, who visited him often and went out to lunch with him even though they lived so far apart. Minho was rising so high up in fame without SHINee that it was hard for anyone to contact him, what with all of his traveling for modeling, and acting, plus all of the events he was invited to. Getting ahold of him was a lost cause to everyone.
Jonghyun was still nowhere to be found. Jinki’s jaw clenched at the information and as he and Kibum sat at the table in the kitchen, the ex-leader’s fingers fumbled with the mug he was holding, the porcelain warmed by the tea Kibum had offered to make.
“Has anyone heard anything?”
Kibum shook his head, chewing his lip.
Jinki wondered if Jonghyun even knew where he was.
--
Days after Kibum had left with a cheery goodbye, promising to visit at least once a month, Jinki was staring out of the sliding glass doors that led to the balcony outside.
He was once again alone, though not feeling as alone as he had before Kibum’s visit. Something about Kibum always lingered, whether it was his scent, his smile, or how his jaw line seemed to disappear with his laugh. It left Jinki feeling warm, fuzzy, like he might actually finally be able to do something outside of this monotonous routine of stop and go.
Instead of stopping or going, maybe it was finally time to make a left turn.
--
Three lefts eventually make a right, but three rights tend to lead you back where you started.
Jinki was in a bar, some sleazy bar that he didn’t even know the name of. He was drunk, the pretty little bartender was making eyes at him and he was politely ignoring her in favor of tipping the beer bottle up and back to let the liquid slide down his throat and fill up his stomach.
Where had Jinki started tonight?
He had started with a dumb idea that struck while looking through fan accounts on some website Taemin had linked him to. Girls and guys were reportedly seeing Jonghyun hanging out at a local dive - they only saw flashes of him and he was gone, and no one had any pictures to prove it.
Jonghyun was a pretty unique looking guy, Jinki figured, so surely no one could mistake someone else for him, right?
So Jinki had gone to that bar, he had sat on a stool and spent the first thirty minutes surveying the crowd.
No one possessed that angled jaw line, those big eyes, those pouty lips, that slender waist, those broad shoulders.
Too tall, too thin, too fat, too much facial hair. Anyone that looked even remotely like the vocalist just weren’t him when Jinki turned to get a closer look.
The music was loud, muffling Jinki’s hearing, muddling his thoughts and he didn’t care. He wasn’t wasted, he wasn’t lightly buzzed, he was in a fine medium that enabled him to stand up right and only wobble slightly as he slid off of the bar stool.
People were starting to recognize him, and whether he was no longer an idol or not, habit made him want to get out of there before too many people started talking, or girls started screaming. It still happened. Fans still happened. Star-struck fans who would fall to his feet crying, begging, asking him why SHINee was no longer, clinging to the ends of his jacket and professing their love for him, their pity for him, their sorrow for themselves.
They were such selfish creatures.
Fingers encircled Jinki’s wrist and whoever grabbed onto him started to lead him out of the club, away from the people that were starting to stare. Jinki could hear the hush of whispers over the loud music, which made no sense, he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts. He was lead outside and onto the street but the person kept walking in what Jinki knew was the direction to the dorm.
His eyes finally lifted from his shoes and there he was; angled jaw line, big eyes, pouty lips, slender waist, and broad shoulders.
“Jonghyun…” Jinki breathed out.
Jonghyun didn’t look at Jinki. He didn’t speak, his lips set in a thin line as they made their way to the gate, Jinki fumbling for his I.D. card and Jonghyun getting impatient and telling the guard to forget about it for just once. The guard relented, even though he knew them both, and as they stumbled up the stairs to get to the dorm Jinki was leaning heavily into Jonghyun’s side, still not wasted, but feeling a lot more than buzzed.
“How could you even think that was a good idea,” Jonghyun was muttering as he got the key out of Jinki’s pocket, the two of them getting inside. There wasn’t even a chance to take off their shoes as Jonghyun just hauled the older man into the living room and set him down on the couch; it was then Jonghyun kneeled down and started to unlace Jinki’s shoes.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki breathed again, sitting up and reaching out to run his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair.
Jonghyun finally looked at Jinki, his eyes shining and big as ever, dark in the dimness of Jinki’s currently unlit apartment. Jinki couldn’t find anything else to say, he felt stupid for being so fish-mouthed, and he had a million questions on the tip of his tongue but not a one was coming forth. The younger man swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing, his tongue poking out to wet his lips in a nervous gesture that was entirely familiar.
Jinki reached down as soon as Jonghyun finished taking off his own shoes, cupping the back of the singer’s neck and tangling his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair; Jonghyun gave a crooked smile, sharp teeth glinting in the low light as he stood up and pushed Jinki to lie down on the couch.
“Sleep. We’ll talk in the morning,” Jonghyun said, grabbing the blanket off of the back of the couch and draping it over the ex-leader.
Jinki’s fingers clasped around Jonghyun’s wrist this time, and the younger man’s crooked smile softened.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Jinki was asleep before his eyes even closed.
--
It was a strange thing, to wake up with someone else in the dorm after a year and a half of empty solitude. On paper, when he wrote it out, in his journal that he kept just for the hell of it, the number 1.5 didn’t seem so big. It wasn’t big. It was tiny, it barely filled a centimeter of space on paper with ink. And yet his body knew different, his mind knew different - a 1.5 was too big of a number, it was huge and vast and unending and it could only get bigger.
Jinki was always good at math, but lately he had found himself hating numbers.
But he woke up to the smell of brewing coffee and something cooking on the stove and oh, he had missed that so much. He sat up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, his mood brightening when he saw Jonghyun in the kitchen talking on his cell phone and poking at some eggs in a frying pan. Jinki was so delighted, so lifted that even his hangover was no match for his good mood as he untangled himself from the blanket and got up, wary of the coffee table, before making it into the kitchen.
Jonghyun turned when he noticed Jinki and gave a small smile, and then returned to his phone conversation. It sounded like he was talking to someone close; ah, it was probably Sekyung. News of their break up spread far and wide but they had still been close friends… well, before Jonghyun disappeared. In fact, now that Jinki was sitting at the table watching Jonghyun talk to Sekyung he felt a sharp stab of jealousy in his gut.
Jonghyun could talk to Sekyung after the disbanding, but abandon the other members?
“Kibum misses you,” Jinki said, when Jonghyun hung up the phone and put it in his pocket. “He was here last week.”
Jonghyun made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat as he flipped the eggs over.
“We all miss you. Where did you go?” Jinki asked, and it wasn’t the tone of a leader berating his member for disappearing - it was the tone of a man missing a dear friend.
The younger man took his time in answering the question, as he brought two plates to the table and then made a second trip to bring Jinki a mug of coffee. He sat down and took a bite of his eggs, chewing slowly, avoiding Jinki’s gaze.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki’s voice cracked on the second syllable, his food untouched and coffee still full.
“I went into the underground to start DJing,” Jonghyun finally said, still not meeting Jinki’s eyes. “I wore disguises and just hung out… No one expected anything of me down there, no one even thought about asking who I was. It’s nice to be nameless, Jinki, to be anonymous and not have people breathing down your neck all the time.”
“You went underground to save yourself and let us all suffer?” Jinki’s voice was still weak, but also accusing.
“That’s not what I said,” Jonghyun defended.
“Are you really that selfish that you had no problem just leaving us all behind and doing your own thing?” Jinki’s voice raised a little bit, and Jonghyun leaned forward in his defense.
“I never fucking said that, I just wanted to be out of the spotlight for a bit-”
“ - While everyone else suffered through the contracts, the fans, the companies, everything?”
Jonghyun fell quiet.
Jinki stared down at his eggs and took a breath to calm himself.
“We love you, Jonghyun - I… I love you. And we all promised each other that we would stick it through and look at what happened,” Jinki sagged back in his chair and buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply. “You disappear, Minho’s head gets so big off of money and fame, Kibum moves to a completely different city…” Jinki tilted his head back, the base of his neck resting against the back of the chair as he stared up at the ceiling with watery eyes. “And I was left here, alone.”
A pregnant silence filled the air between them and Jinki stared at the ceiling, the words from that note flashing in his mind’s eye again. A tear fell and he didn’t bother to try and wipe it away - he had never admitted out loud, to anyone, how lonely he felt, how much of a failure he felt that he couldn’t keep his group of friends together.
He shuddered and took a deep breath through his nose, releasing it out of his mouth.
Jonghyun’s face entered his line of sight, then, his eyes hooded with worry and concern as he stood over Jinki. Even upside down Jinki could see the regret lining Jonghyun’s features, making his lips turn down and his jaw tighten.
Jonghyun’s fingers filtered through Jinki’s hair softly, the older man’s eyes fluttering a bit.
“I won’t leave you alone, anymore.” Jonghyun leaned down and pressed his upside down mouth to Jinki’s rightside up lips, and Jinki reached up to thread his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair softly.
A promise sealed with a kiss.
Jinki had never been truly alone.
In the middle of the dorm living room Jonghyun was sitting on the floor cross-legged, notebook open on his knee as he took notes from the textbook open on the floor. His brows were furrowed in concentration and Jinki chuckled as he walked out of the bathroom, fresh from his shower, wearing only sweats with the towel draped around his shoulders.
“Trouble?” Jinki asked, easily sitting down next to Jonghyun.
It had been a year since it had been a year and a half and true to his word, Jonghyun didn’t leave Jinki alone. He moved in, he got back in touch with the other members (even Minho was surprised to get a call from the singer), and he and Jinki settled into their old, familiar routine. Other than the reassuring kiss they had shared that morning nothing else happened; they were two old friends living together in the same space, sorting out their lives.
Jinki had taken a job as a vocal coach for the company, helping the new trainees perfect their sound and their voices. He loved his job - he loved the kids, even though sometimes the feeling of nostalgia was too strong to handle when he looked at their shining eyes and eager smiles. But this was showbiz and he was a veteran, at twenty-four years old and two and a half years after SHINee’s disbandment.
Jonghyun had chosen to get back into school, working on getting a degree in composing. But since it had been so long, and since high school hadn’t even worked out for the vocalist, Jinki took it upon himself to be somewhat of a private tutor for Jonghyun, helping him with math and science and any other subject Jonghyun got frustrated over.
“I hate science,” Jonghyun grumbled as Jinki scooted closer, their knees brushing. “Why do I need to know the periodic chart of the elements to get a music major?”
“A little bit of everything doesn’t hurt, Jonghyun,” Jinki said, reaching over to pull the textbook towards him. He felt Jonghyun’s eyes rove over his chest and shoulders and Jinki blushed, trying to ignore the tingling the younger man’s gaze produced in his fingertips. “This isn’t so hard.”
“Mhm,” Jonghyun hummed distractedly. “Jinki, didn’t you stop working out?”
Jinki shrugged, “Yeah, lost interest in it since I’m not running around dancing and singing at the same time.”
“How come you’re still so toned?” Jonghyun rubbed a hand over his own bicep, “I stopped working out for a month and got flabby.”
Jinki shrugged again, glancing up at Jonghyun, whose eyes were focused on the older man’s abdomen. “Er… it’s natural?”
“It’s not fair,” Jonghyun reached out and trailed his fingertips over Jinki’s abdomen, the elder reflexively tightening the muscles to avoid being tickled.
“J-Jonghyun…” Jinki questioned softly, searching Jonghyun’s face.
When the singer finally looked up at Jinki, his pupils were dilated and he was breathing through his slightly parted lips. All of a sudden Jinki forgot about explaining the chart to the younger man, he forgot almost how to breathe as a shudder ran down his spine and elicited a buzz throughout his whole body. He could only focus on Jonghyun’s breathing, the way his chest moved under the t-shirt he was wearing, the way his thin but strong legs folded inside the sweats adorning his body.
He didn’t know who moved first, but their lips were crashing together and their fingers were tangling in each other’s hair. The force of Jinki’s movement and his slightly bigger body pushed Jonghyun backwards, Jinki lying over Jonghyun and settled between his legs as their tongues pushed together. Jonghyun’s hands ran down Jinki’s damp back, fingers digging into the muscles, into the dip of his tailbone, and the past two years came crashing over them in a wave, stealing Jinki’s breath and practically drowning him as he pulled back to help Jonghyun remove his shirt.
Twenty-four years old, two years after the disbanding of SHINee, and Jinki was, for the first time in his life, wanting to make love to another person.
They sat up, Jonghyun awkwardly in Jinki’s lap as the older man’s fingers moved to the waistband of Jonghyun’s sweats, but something clicked in Jinki’s mind and instead of taking off the rest of the smaller man’s clothes his hands moved to grip Jonghyun’s ass, those thin legs wrapping around Jinki’s waist as he hefted the younger man up and started towards the bedroom. Jonghyun wasn’t even questioning it, his lips attacking Jinki’s jaw up to his ear, sharp teeth tugging on the lobe and Jinki deposited Jonghyun onto the bed that had only one occupant for the past two years. He crawled over Jonghyun and was pulled down for another kiss, pianist fingers tangling in his hair and keeping him close as his hands made the slow descent down Jonghyun’s chiseled torso and finally met the material of his pants.
Getting undressed was one thing, the poetry of the sweatpants and boxers sliding down Jonghyun’s thighs and calves beautiful as Jinki’s mouth dried in the process. Jonghyun’s fingers pushed at Jinki’s pants as well, palms mapping the expanse of Jinki’s thighs before they lay together, naked, every nook and cranny between them filled with skin on skin. Their kisses were still deep, torrid, Jinki’s hands cautiously but eagerly running down Jonghyun’s strong back before sliding over the globe of the younger man’s ass, squeezing lightly and causing Jonghyun to buck forward a bit, erection bumping against Jinki’s hip.
They took turns being atop each other, their mouths still kissing and their hands still exploring. Jinki would roll on top of Jonghyun and slide his hands down that slender waist before dragging his fingers through the fine hairs at the base of Jonghyun’s arousal, and then slide his hands back up again to let his fingers brush over perked nipples. Jonghyun, when on top, would suck on Jinki’s chest and abs, tongue swirling into his navel and over his hip bones, hot breath ghosting over where Jinki wanted, needed to be touched more.
Eventually their body temperatures spiked and while Jonghyun was atop Jinki, the older man wrapped his thick thighs around Jonghyun’s svelte waist and pulled him forward, their cocks brushing and flattening against each other as his hands desperately grabbed at Jonghyun’s shoulders and hair.
The silent plea roared through their ears and for a moment Jonghyun looked lost; Jinki took the man’s hand and wrapped his plump lips around elegant fingers, sucking on three and closing his eyes, tongue dragging between them and over them before he released them and gave Jonghyun a meaningful look. Jinki’s cheeks were flushed in embarrassment and Jonghyun’s eyes were glittering with experience as he gently bent Jinki’s legs and started to prepare Jinki carefully, slowly, his fingers moving in tandem with the older man’s heart beat.
After a few short minutes Jinki panted out a moan, tapping Jonghyun’s forearm to get the younger man to retreat his probing fingers. Jonghyun’s eyes roved over Jinki’s body and the ex-leader felt like a bug under the microscope - that is, until Jonghyun smiled and spit into his hand, jerking his cock a few times before leaning down and aligning the tip of his arousal to Jinki’s body.
“We love you,” Jonghyun said softly into Jinki’s ear, making Jinki’s eyes close. “I love you.”
Their bodies moved easily together, fit perfectly together, and as Jinki’s back arched and his arms wound around Jonghyun’s broad shoulders to keep him close, tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as he thought about the members that kept in touch with him, the man that lived in the same building but didn’t even come over for a visit, the sweet maknae helping out his parents, the diva making a name for himself, and the member trying to find himself through all of the clutter and dust in their lives.
Jinki had found Jonghyun, and in the process of finding the younger man, Jinki discovered that he found himself, as well.
Pairing: Jonghyun/Onew, General OT5
Rating: R (the sex isn’t really that graphic OTL)
Notes: Isn’t it amazing what the mind comes up with when you close everybody off and focus only on yourself?
--
Jinki just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep until he couldn’t sleep anymore, be awake for an hour, and then just go back to sleep for an innumerable amount of time. His head felt thick, heavy, ten times its normal weight as he lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He could still read it, in his mind’s eye - still see the letters written on the paper, typed up neatly and coldly, no hint of any sort of personal, close relations to him or the other members.
You will be dearly missed, as five.
The disbandment of SHINee was surreal. It wasn’t real. Was it? They had been broken up and cast aside, some new up-and-coming boy group outshining them and the hard truth, the raw fact was that SHINee wasn’t even meant to succeed in the first place. They were created to be driven into the ground, a test-group, a demonstration of what could be, what could have been. Of course they had known. They had known from day one as the imposing CEO sat them down and explained their purpose of existence, they had known on the day that they had gotten the letter addressed to all of them, for the last time, as a single unit.
They had been packed up and shipped off to different places; Kibum had decided to return to Daegu, Taemin was back with his parents. Minho stayed in the dorm complex, signing a different contract, for modeling and acting. Jonghyun had disappeared, he wasn’t even writing anymore, and Jinki…
Well, things were never easy for the leader.
They had left him in the dorm, the dorm that was now so painfully empty of the people that previously occupied it. How cruel was fate? How cruel was their manager to even suggest that Jinki stay here? He could go home if he wanted. He could go back to his family, he could see his mom and dad and maybe he could just go to the college they wanted to, that rich, snobby med school that his mother dreamed of Jinki one day attending.
But, he didn’t.
Because even in the loneliness of this dorm there were memories encased in every inch of air, entwined in the fabric of the couch, echoing in the shared bathroom. It was a place that Jinki couldn’t leave because SHINee had been something so much bigger than him, bigger than all of them and something that big typically left a big hole in the heart, and Jinki was starting to feel like he didn’t have a heart anymore, at all.
--
Hours of sleep turned into days. Jinki would come out and eat when his stomach pains got so unbearable that he could barely move - and he would stuff himself until he felt like puking, before heading back to bed and burrowing under the covers.
Even so, the comfort of the room was lost. Instead of three beds there was one, instead of a giant, sectioned dresser there was one, instead of tediously positioned plastic in the closet to separate sections there were just clothes on hangers, lifeless without a human inside of them. There was no comfort in the fact that when Jinki’s toes got cold he couldn’t scoot into Taemin’s bed and play footsie with the maknae, there was no comfort in the fact that when he had a hard time waking up at any given time when Kibum wasn’t there to smack him in the face with a pillow.
Empty.
Everything was just undeniably, irrevocably… empty.
Occasionally, whenever he decided to step out of his bedroom and go somewhere other than the kitchen or bathroom, he would wander to the other room. One bed was kept in there, a spare, ‘for guests’ his manager had once said.
What guests?
Everything was relatively the same. At least, visually. There was no manly smell, of sweat and bench pressing and soccer balls. There was no electricity buzzing through the air from video game consoles left turned on, paused so their player could wander out and be social for once. There was no feeling of pride, of accomplishment, with the absence of the laptop on the desk, or the notebooks that used to be littered around it.
And in his own room, there was no lingering smell of expensive hand lotion, no feeling of fingers teasingly tickling his feet while he tried to sleep in.
Jinki wondered briefly, as he leaned against the door frame to the ‘guest bedroom’, looking inside with his arms folded over his chest.
He couldn’t help but wonder…
Would it be less lonely if he just didn’t exist?
--
A knocking on the dorm door startled Jinki out of a doze on the couch, his torso sitting up and looking around, dazed. He had fallen asleep with the television on - today he had actually gone out and acted like a living person, getting groceries and even bumping into a few old fans to sign autographs and take pictures. He had felt ragged, inside, even though he had showered and dressed nicely. He hoped none of the cameras caught the loneliness in his eyes.
The knock came again, fiercer and more demanding, a familiar voice trickling through the wood.
“I know you’re home, you old hermit!”
Jinki scrambled off of the couch and bumped his shin into the coffee table, cursing under his breath as he skidded on socked feet to the door. Twenty-three years old, a year and a half after the demise of SHINee and Jinki still couldn’t navigate his home safely.
He swung open the door without even checking the peephole, barely getting the lock open as the wood surface gave way to reveal a fairly irritated Kibum.
The younger man opened his mouth to speak but Jinki pulled him into a tight hug, his strong arms wrapping around Kibum’s body in a bone-crushing way, Kibum letting out a surprised, choked gasp as his arms awkwardly wound around the ex-leader’s body.
“J-Jinki, I can’t… hyung, I can’t breathe, let go,” Kibum wheezed.
Jinki let go immediately, but pulled Kibum inside and shut the door behind them. Kibum was already collected, carefully taking off his scarf and his hat, putting them up on the coat hooks that haven’t been used for a year and a half, as he toed out of his shoes and gave Jinki a questioning look.
“What are you looking at?”
The older man blinked, and blushed slightly at being caught. He had been looking at Kibum, unsure if he was dreaming, a bit perplexed at the younger man’s sudden appearance. But Kibum was real - his expensive cologne wafted through Jinki’s nostrils, his sharp cheekbones were slightly rosy from the breeze outside - and Jinki smiled, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his neck.
“Just surprised, Kibum ah,” Jinki said softly.
He invited Kibum in and Kibum revealed that he was in town trying to fight with his lawyer to get his contact permanently ended. Kibum said it wasn’t fair that the company intentionally drove them into the ground and expected them to keep up with their contract, ‘in case of future prospects we might find you useful for’. To Kibum it was a load of bullshit and he couldn’t get on with his life with the contract looming over his head.
In the past year and a half Kibum had dropped out of college, deciding to forgo any sort of educational degree. He had opened up a small thrift shop in his hometown, where he designed and created most of the clothing and accessories, the majority of the proceeds going towards a charity in Daegu. He was still in touch with Taemin, who visited him often and went out to lunch with him even though they lived so far apart. Minho was rising so high up in fame without SHINee that it was hard for anyone to contact him, what with all of his traveling for modeling, and acting, plus all of the events he was invited to. Getting ahold of him was a lost cause to everyone.
Jonghyun was still nowhere to be found. Jinki’s jaw clenched at the information and as he and Kibum sat at the table in the kitchen, the ex-leader’s fingers fumbled with the mug he was holding, the porcelain warmed by the tea Kibum had offered to make.
“Has anyone heard anything?”
Kibum shook his head, chewing his lip.
Jinki wondered if Jonghyun even knew where he was.
--
Days after Kibum had left with a cheery goodbye, promising to visit at least once a month, Jinki was staring out of the sliding glass doors that led to the balcony outside.
He was once again alone, though not feeling as alone as he had before Kibum’s visit. Something about Kibum always lingered, whether it was his scent, his smile, or how his jaw line seemed to disappear with his laugh. It left Jinki feeling warm, fuzzy, like he might actually finally be able to do something outside of this monotonous routine of stop and go.
Instead of stopping or going, maybe it was finally time to make a left turn.
--
Three lefts eventually make a right, but three rights tend to lead you back where you started.
Jinki was in a bar, some sleazy bar that he didn’t even know the name of. He was drunk, the pretty little bartender was making eyes at him and he was politely ignoring her in favor of tipping the beer bottle up and back to let the liquid slide down his throat and fill up his stomach.
Where had Jinki started tonight?
He had started with a dumb idea that struck while looking through fan accounts on some website Taemin had linked him to. Girls and guys were reportedly seeing Jonghyun hanging out at a local dive - they only saw flashes of him and he was gone, and no one had any pictures to prove it.
Jonghyun was a pretty unique looking guy, Jinki figured, so surely no one could mistake someone else for him, right?
So Jinki had gone to that bar, he had sat on a stool and spent the first thirty minutes surveying the crowd.
No one possessed that angled jaw line, those big eyes, those pouty lips, that slender waist, those broad shoulders.
Too tall, too thin, too fat, too much facial hair. Anyone that looked even remotely like the vocalist just weren’t him when Jinki turned to get a closer look.
The music was loud, muffling Jinki’s hearing, muddling his thoughts and he didn’t care. He wasn’t wasted, he wasn’t lightly buzzed, he was in a fine medium that enabled him to stand up right and only wobble slightly as he slid off of the bar stool.
People were starting to recognize him, and whether he was no longer an idol or not, habit made him want to get out of there before too many people started talking, or girls started screaming. It still happened. Fans still happened. Star-struck fans who would fall to his feet crying, begging, asking him why SHINee was no longer, clinging to the ends of his jacket and professing their love for him, their pity for him, their sorrow for themselves.
They were such selfish creatures.
Fingers encircled Jinki’s wrist and whoever grabbed onto him started to lead him out of the club, away from the people that were starting to stare. Jinki could hear the hush of whispers over the loud music, which made no sense, he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts. He was lead outside and onto the street but the person kept walking in what Jinki knew was the direction to the dorm.
His eyes finally lifted from his shoes and there he was; angled jaw line, big eyes, pouty lips, slender waist, and broad shoulders.
“Jonghyun…” Jinki breathed out.
Jonghyun didn’t look at Jinki. He didn’t speak, his lips set in a thin line as they made their way to the gate, Jinki fumbling for his I.D. card and Jonghyun getting impatient and telling the guard to forget about it for just once. The guard relented, even though he knew them both, and as they stumbled up the stairs to get to the dorm Jinki was leaning heavily into Jonghyun’s side, still not wasted, but feeling a lot more than buzzed.
“How could you even think that was a good idea,” Jonghyun was muttering as he got the key out of Jinki’s pocket, the two of them getting inside. There wasn’t even a chance to take off their shoes as Jonghyun just hauled the older man into the living room and set him down on the couch; it was then Jonghyun kneeled down and started to unlace Jinki’s shoes.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki breathed again, sitting up and reaching out to run his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair.
Jonghyun finally looked at Jinki, his eyes shining and big as ever, dark in the dimness of Jinki’s currently unlit apartment. Jinki couldn’t find anything else to say, he felt stupid for being so fish-mouthed, and he had a million questions on the tip of his tongue but not a one was coming forth. The younger man swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing, his tongue poking out to wet his lips in a nervous gesture that was entirely familiar.
Jinki reached down as soon as Jonghyun finished taking off his own shoes, cupping the back of the singer’s neck and tangling his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair; Jonghyun gave a crooked smile, sharp teeth glinting in the low light as he stood up and pushed Jinki to lie down on the couch.
“Sleep. We’ll talk in the morning,” Jonghyun said, grabbing the blanket off of the back of the couch and draping it over the ex-leader.
Jinki’s fingers clasped around Jonghyun’s wrist this time, and the younger man’s crooked smile softened.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Jinki was asleep before his eyes even closed.
--
It was a strange thing, to wake up with someone else in the dorm after a year and a half of empty solitude. On paper, when he wrote it out, in his journal that he kept just for the hell of it, the number 1.5 didn’t seem so big. It wasn’t big. It was tiny, it barely filled a centimeter of space on paper with ink. And yet his body knew different, his mind knew different - a 1.5 was too big of a number, it was huge and vast and unending and it could only get bigger.
Jinki was always good at math, but lately he had found himself hating numbers.
But he woke up to the smell of brewing coffee and something cooking on the stove and oh, he had missed that so much. He sat up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, his mood brightening when he saw Jonghyun in the kitchen talking on his cell phone and poking at some eggs in a frying pan. Jinki was so delighted, so lifted that even his hangover was no match for his good mood as he untangled himself from the blanket and got up, wary of the coffee table, before making it into the kitchen.
Jonghyun turned when he noticed Jinki and gave a small smile, and then returned to his phone conversation. It sounded like he was talking to someone close; ah, it was probably Sekyung. News of their break up spread far and wide but they had still been close friends… well, before Jonghyun disappeared. In fact, now that Jinki was sitting at the table watching Jonghyun talk to Sekyung he felt a sharp stab of jealousy in his gut.
Jonghyun could talk to Sekyung after the disbanding, but abandon the other members?
“Kibum misses you,” Jinki said, when Jonghyun hung up the phone and put it in his pocket. “He was here last week.”
Jonghyun made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat as he flipped the eggs over.
“We all miss you. Where did you go?” Jinki asked, and it wasn’t the tone of a leader berating his member for disappearing - it was the tone of a man missing a dear friend.
The younger man took his time in answering the question, as he brought two plates to the table and then made a second trip to bring Jinki a mug of coffee. He sat down and took a bite of his eggs, chewing slowly, avoiding Jinki’s gaze.
“Jonghyun,” Jinki’s voice cracked on the second syllable, his food untouched and coffee still full.
“I went into the underground to start DJing,” Jonghyun finally said, still not meeting Jinki’s eyes. “I wore disguises and just hung out… No one expected anything of me down there, no one even thought about asking who I was. It’s nice to be nameless, Jinki, to be anonymous and not have people breathing down your neck all the time.”
“You went underground to save yourself and let us all suffer?” Jinki’s voice was still weak, but also accusing.
“That’s not what I said,” Jonghyun defended.
“Are you really that selfish that you had no problem just leaving us all behind and doing your own thing?” Jinki’s voice raised a little bit, and Jonghyun leaned forward in his defense.
“I never fucking said that, I just wanted to be out of the spotlight for a bit-”
“ - While everyone else suffered through the contracts, the fans, the companies, everything?”
Jonghyun fell quiet.
Jinki stared down at his eggs and took a breath to calm himself.
“We love you, Jonghyun - I… I love you. And we all promised each other that we would stick it through and look at what happened,” Jinki sagged back in his chair and buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply. “You disappear, Minho’s head gets so big off of money and fame, Kibum moves to a completely different city…” Jinki tilted his head back, the base of his neck resting against the back of the chair as he stared up at the ceiling with watery eyes. “And I was left here, alone.”
A pregnant silence filled the air between them and Jinki stared at the ceiling, the words from that note flashing in his mind’s eye again. A tear fell and he didn’t bother to try and wipe it away - he had never admitted out loud, to anyone, how lonely he felt, how much of a failure he felt that he couldn’t keep his group of friends together.
He shuddered and took a deep breath through his nose, releasing it out of his mouth.
Jonghyun’s face entered his line of sight, then, his eyes hooded with worry and concern as he stood over Jinki. Even upside down Jinki could see the regret lining Jonghyun’s features, making his lips turn down and his jaw tighten.
Jonghyun’s fingers filtered through Jinki’s hair softly, the older man’s eyes fluttering a bit.
“I won’t leave you alone, anymore.” Jonghyun leaned down and pressed his upside down mouth to Jinki’s rightside up lips, and Jinki reached up to thread his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair softly.
A promise sealed with a kiss.
Jinki had never been truly alone.
In the middle of the dorm living room Jonghyun was sitting on the floor cross-legged, notebook open on his knee as he took notes from the textbook open on the floor. His brows were furrowed in concentration and Jinki chuckled as he walked out of the bathroom, fresh from his shower, wearing only sweats with the towel draped around his shoulders.
“Trouble?” Jinki asked, easily sitting down next to Jonghyun.
It had been a year since it had been a year and a half and true to his word, Jonghyun didn’t leave Jinki alone. He moved in, he got back in touch with the other members (even Minho was surprised to get a call from the singer), and he and Jinki settled into their old, familiar routine. Other than the reassuring kiss they had shared that morning nothing else happened; they were two old friends living together in the same space, sorting out their lives.
Jinki had taken a job as a vocal coach for the company, helping the new trainees perfect their sound and their voices. He loved his job - he loved the kids, even though sometimes the feeling of nostalgia was too strong to handle when he looked at their shining eyes and eager smiles. But this was showbiz and he was a veteran, at twenty-four years old and two and a half years after SHINee’s disbandment.
Jonghyun had chosen to get back into school, working on getting a degree in composing. But since it had been so long, and since high school hadn’t even worked out for the vocalist, Jinki took it upon himself to be somewhat of a private tutor for Jonghyun, helping him with math and science and any other subject Jonghyun got frustrated over.
“I hate science,” Jonghyun grumbled as Jinki scooted closer, their knees brushing. “Why do I need to know the periodic chart of the elements to get a music major?”
“A little bit of everything doesn’t hurt, Jonghyun,” Jinki said, reaching over to pull the textbook towards him. He felt Jonghyun’s eyes rove over his chest and shoulders and Jinki blushed, trying to ignore the tingling the younger man’s gaze produced in his fingertips. “This isn’t so hard.”
“Mhm,” Jonghyun hummed distractedly. “Jinki, didn’t you stop working out?”
Jinki shrugged, “Yeah, lost interest in it since I’m not running around dancing and singing at the same time.”
“How come you’re still so toned?” Jonghyun rubbed a hand over his own bicep, “I stopped working out for a month and got flabby.”
Jinki shrugged again, glancing up at Jonghyun, whose eyes were focused on the older man’s abdomen. “Er… it’s natural?”
“It’s not fair,” Jonghyun reached out and trailed his fingertips over Jinki’s abdomen, the elder reflexively tightening the muscles to avoid being tickled.
“J-Jonghyun…” Jinki questioned softly, searching Jonghyun’s face.
When the singer finally looked up at Jinki, his pupils were dilated and he was breathing through his slightly parted lips. All of a sudden Jinki forgot about explaining the chart to the younger man, he forgot almost how to breathe as a shudder ran down his spine and elicited a buzz throughout his whole body. He could only focus on Jonghyun’s breathing, the way his chest moved under the t-shirt he was wearing, the way his thin but strong legs folded inside the sweats adorning his body.
He didn’t know who moved first, but their lips were crashing together and their fingers were tangling in each other’s hair. The force of Jinki’s movement and his slightly bigger body pushed Jonghyun backwards, Jinki lying over Jonghyun and settled between his legs as their tongues pushed together. Jonghyun’s hands ran down Jinki’s damp back, fingers digging into the muscles, into the dip of his tailbone, and the past two years came crashing over them in a wave, stealing Jinki’s breath and practically drowning him as he pulled back to help Jonghyun remove his shirt.
Twenty-four years old, two years after the disbanding of SHINee, and Jinki was, for the first time in his life, wanting to make love to another person.
They sat up, Jonghyun awkwardly in Jinki’s lap as the older man’s fingers moved to the waistband of Jonghyun’s sweats, but something clicked in Jinki’s mind and instead of taking off the rest of the smaller man’s clothes his hands moved to grip Jonghyun’s ass, those thin legs wrapping around Jinki’s waist as he hefted the younger man up and started towards the bedroom. Jonghyun wasn’t even questioning it, his lips attacking Jinki’s jaw up to his ear, sharp teeth tugging on the lobe and Jinki deposited Jonghyun onto the bed that had only one occupant for the past two years. He crawled over Jonghyun and was pulled down for another kiss, pianist fingers tangling in his hair and keeping him close as his hands made the slow descent down Jonghyun’s chiseled torso and finally met the material of his pants.
Getting undressed was one thing, the poetry of the sweatpants and boxers sliding down Jonghyun’s thighs and calves beautiful as Jinki’s mouth dried in the process. Jonghyun’s fingers pushed at Jinki’s pants as well, palms mapping the expanse of Jinki’s thighs before they lay together, naked, every nook and cranny between them filled with skin on skin. Their kisses were still deep, torrid, Jinki’s hands cautiously but eagerly running down Jonghyun’s strong back before sliding over the globe of the younger man’s ass, squeezing lightly and causing Jonghyun to buck forward a bit, erection bumping against Jinki’s hip.
They took turns being atop each other, their mouths still kissing and their hands still exploring. Jinki would roll on top of Jonghyun and slide his hands down that slender waist before dragging his fingers through the fine hairs at the base of Jonghyun’s arousal, and then slide his hands back up again to let his fingers brush over perked nipples. Jonghyun, when on top, would suck on Jinki’s chest and abs, tongue swirling into his navel and over his hip bones, hot breath ghosting over where Jinki wanted, needed to be touched more.
Eventually their body temperatures spiked and while Jonghyun was atop Jinki, the older man wrapped his thick thighs around Jonghyun’s svelte waist and pulled him forward, their cocks brushing and flattening against each other as his hands desperately grabbed at Jonghyun’s shoulders and hair.
The silent plea roared through their ears and for a moment Jonghyun looked lost; Jinki took the man’s hand and wrapped his plump lips around elegant fingers, sucking on three and closing his eyes, tongue dragging between them and over them before he released them and gave Jonghyun a meaningful look. Jinki’s cheeks were flushed in embarrassment and Jonghyun’s eyes were glittering with experience as he gently bent Jinki’s legs and started to prepare Jinki carefully, slowly, his fingers moving in tandem with the older man’s heart beat.
After a few short minutes Jinki panted out a moan, tapping Jonghyun’s forearm to get the younger man to retreat his probing fingers. Jonghyun’s eyes roved over Jinki’s body and the ex-leader felt like a bug under the microscope - that is, until Jonghyun smiled and spit into his hand, jerking his cock a few times before leaning down and aligning the tip of his arousal to Jinki’s body.
“We love you,” Jonghyun said softly into Jinki’s ear, making Jinki’s eyes close. “I love you.”
Their bodies moved easily together, fit perfectly together, and as Jinki’s back arched and his arms wound around Jonghyun’s broad shoulders to keep him close, tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as he thought about the members that kept in touch with him, the man that lived in the same building but didn’t even come over for a visit, the sweet maknae helping out his parents, the diva making a name for himself, and the member trying to find himself through all of the clutter and dust in their lives.
Jinki had found Jonghyun, and in the process of finding the younger man, Jinki discovered that he found himself, as well.