[Fic] An old man's Memories

[vintersaga]

Title: An Old Man's Memories
Characters: Sungmin, Kyuhyun, Super Junior
Pairing: KyuMin
Rating: ~ R
Wordcount: ~7900
Genre: Drama, h/c
Disclaimers: I don't own anything,"Us against the world" belongs to its creators and Westlife
Summary: You have a tradition. Once every year you take a day to youself and reminisce about your past. You miss all of your friends and family but you especially miss him.
Warning: Death fic, but the ending is sappy. :)


You stop walking and take a deep breath. You decide to rest for a while and let your heard beating heart calm down. Sometimes it is hard to remember that you are no longer as young as you used to be. You continue to walk, watching the beautiful scenery around you. It is spring. A new beginning, a time for hope.

You finally reach your destination and reach out a hand to steady yourself against the ancient oak tree. An oak tree which had stood here long before you were born and which will still stand here long after you’re gone.

You stand there, catching your breath and look down at the city. Up here you can not here the noise from the traffic. There is no stress. There are no must do:s. It’s just you and your memories. Finally your breath has calmed down. Carefully and slowly you sit down with your back against the body of the oak tree. You look down at your hand, resting on the top of a cane. It’s an old man’s hand but in your mind it wasn’t so long ago since it was a young man’s hand.

You smile to yourself. It’s an old man’s hand and it contains many memories, as do the rest of you. You sigh softly and think about your family. You’re going to get yelled at when you get back home, but a man has to do what a man’s got to do, even old men have things that are important to them. The young ones sometimes forget that.

You close your eyes and enjoy the sunrays caressing your face. The wind is warm and you know with a certainty, which comes with experience, that it will be a hot summer this year.

You have a tradition. Once every year you come here, to this place, and reminisce about your life. Maybe not so much about your life as the important people in it. Before you started living with your grandson and his wife, no one minded what you did, but since they deemed it necessary for you not to live alone any longer, your freedom had become restricted. Not that you minded it most of the time, it was nice having company, nice knowing someone cared. But sometimes you felt like a teenager again and wanted to revolt.

You wonder what the young people you see while taking a walk on the street, what they would say if they were told that once you had been a member of a big idol group? Would they laugh in disbelief? Would they even know the group’s name if they were told it?

Fame. Fame is a fleeting thing. When you’re young, you think that a good thing will last forever. The reality is, nothing lasts forever. Nothing. It can last for a very long time, with a lot of hard work and effort, but never forever. To be young again, to be that innocent again.

You take a deep breath and breathe in the fresh air. You smile when you hear the birds singing. A butterfly flies by and you find yourself giggling, trying to touch it with your hand. Your great grandson would most likely die of embarrassment if he saw you.

You stop giggling and once more you look at the scenery, but you are not really seeing it. Unconsciously you wriggle your left arm a bit and wonder what you had managed to do to it. You must have pulled a muscle the other day.

You think back about your friends and you wonder how come you’re the last one left? You shouldn’t be, not if karma was a deciding factor.

Once upon a time you had been a member in the idol group Super Junior. A group consisting of 13 members and two honorary ones. Being part of a group, especially such a big group with thirteen individuals, not counting the managers and your management company, was both rewarding and exasperating. There had been so many rules to follow. So many obligations. So much work and the hours of the day had never been enough. Thinking back though, that time contained some of your most excitable experiences, precious moments, unequaled bonds of friendship which had lasted for a lifetime, some of your happiest memories and saddest.

You have never been fond of fights. Your younger brother had, in his more uncharitable moments, accused you of being scared of conflicts. You didn’t agree with him. It wasn’t that you were afraid of conflicts, you didn’t have anything against people having different opinions, it was how the differences in the opinions were expressed which was your hang-up. That and temper tantrums.

Your brother, and friends, had often told you that when you didn’t get your way, or got slighted, be it in your imagination or real, you sulked. Of course you had thought they were wrong, but one of them had told you that after sharing a dorm with you, living together with and understanding a woman had been easy, he even had the nerve to thank you for it! Of course you had thumped Eunhyuk afterwards for saying it. If you were to be honest though, you had sulked a bit about it. But only a little bit.

One of your other friends had calmly told you that it would be so much easier if you just would tell them what was bothering you instead of playing the martyr. You had ignored him for a month and only proven him right. The younger you amused the older you.

Some of the people you had trained with, the ones who had later become members of Super Junior but also some who hadn’t, had become treasured friends. Sweating, crying and dreaming together had created strong bonds, and even though it had sometimes gone years between meeting each other, the bonds were still there. You smiled.

Not everyone can claim that they had been living their dream. You can though, you and several of your friends. It had been tough. More than tough. There had been times when you had just wanted to call it quits. When the demands put on you, both from yourself, the public and from your management had almost broken you. But you had had your friends and family who had supported you. Told you that you could do it, that they believed in you. Your fellow members who helped you, had given you encouragement, cared for you, understood your situation since they too were in the same boat and who you in turned had helped when they were down.

Bonds, be it the bonds of a lover, family or friendship, it all came down to one thing. Love. Different kinds of love, but still love.

You pick a grass straw and start toying with it. How you wish they were still here. They would probably poke fun at you for being so maudlin. Or maybe not.

You met your love in Super Junior. Not your first love, but the love. You had never thought you’d fall for him, never thought you’d love another man, even though you were good at giving fan service to your fans. But that was what it was, fan service, and of course you loved your fellow members, they were your friends after all.

He’d been added to the group later, the last addition before Super Junior had stopped being a project group, the last regular member. From the beginning you had clicked. Not in all things, but in a lot of things. At least when you had managed to drag him away from his beloved computer games. He was the magnae, the youngest member and he was new. He needed a friend you had thought, someone to make him feel welcomed and you decided to be that someone.

Your plan had been simple, to be there for him in the beginning and when he got accepted both from fans and the rest of the members, you’d slowly take a step back. You followed your plan and it had worked beautifully.

When the plans for Suju M had become reality and the members had left for China, you had not counted on feeling so bereft, so alone, or so jealous.

A small nostalgic smile plays on your lips as you remember. A couple of your friends had gotten so fed up with watching you mope that they basically hit you over the head with the fact that you were pining away for someone and you’d better do something about it or else.

You remember staring at them and telling them that you were not in love with anyone. How could you be? You hadn’t met a girl lately who you were interested in. You were just sad that some of the members were not in Korea. You said that you felt lonely without them.

A small laugh can be heard when you remember how Heechul had groaned in disgust, telling you in no uncertain tones that if you’d harm a hair on Zhou Mi’s head, you’d answer to him. How Leeteuk had just sighed, patted your head, looked at you, started to say something then thought better of it and just shook his head in resignation. You had seen how Yesung had given the other members his ‘I told you so’ look before lying back on the floor, covering his head with a pillow, lifting an edge to tell you that he didn’t want to see the gloomy look on your face for at least a week. If someone was supposed to be gloomy it was him, since it suited his image better.

Being in denial hadn’t lasted very long for you though. When he came back, and you saw him again, it was as if something had clicked. It took you a while to gather up your courage, and you had avoided him as best as you could while you did, since you had started blushing whenever he was around.

Finally he got tired of it and cornered you. He brought you to this very place and forced you to talk to him. After a lot of stammering on your part, he had finally managed to get you to confess, and you had been so surprised when he told you that he had been waiting for you to fall in love with him since he had loved you for a long time.

You were annoyed with the fact that everyone else had known before you, and you were even more annoyed with the fact that the annoying git had managed to keep it a secret from you. You sulked and pouted for a week.

You look down at your hands. It had been hard, so very hard. For an idol being in a relationship period was a no, no. Being in a same sex relationship was a gigantic no, no. With the help of your friends, and the fact that you were both very, very discrete, you had somehow managed to keep it a secret.

One of your most precious memories was when on a TV show, your love had been asked to sing a ballad. He had accepted and the host had asked if he would serenade one of the ladies in the audience. Your lover, not one of the more talkative ones but one with wits, had given the host his most charming smile. He had looked out over the audience, made movements as if he had chosen a girl to serenade to before turning back to the host.

“I’m sorry, I can’t sing for only one of the lovely ladies here.” He’d said. “If I do, I’m afraid what my other girlfriends will say.”

“Your other girlfriends?” The host had asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, the rest of Elf.” He’d smiled cheekily. “Since I can not sing specially for every single one of them, maybe I can use one of my members as a stand in? I do not think anyone will be upset about that.” He’d winked to the audience and the screams had been ear deafening.

The host had laughed and told him to do it, giving him a rose to give to his chosen. When he had walked towards where the members were sitting most had been making a show of wanting to run away.

“You come any closer and I’ll let you have a taste of this!” Kangin had said in jest, holding up his fist.

“I’ll be the perfect person to serenade!” Yesung had stood up, fluttering his eyelashes.

Not everyone had tried to get away.

It had gone on for a couple of minutes, much to everyone’s amusement, and then he’d stopped in front of you.

“How about it hyung?” He had asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

He had bent forward until his lips were almost touching your ear. You had felt his breath against your skin and it had given you goose bumps. The audience had gone wild. He’d put the rose in your hand and had held out his other for your empty one. You’d taken his hand and found yourself led to the chair which had been placed in the middle of the stage.

He’d sat you down with a bow and had then gone over to the pianist, leaving you to smile at the audience. A part of you had been furious, furious at him for being so brazen, what if someone found out? A part of you had been so happy that all you wanted to do was to kiss him in front of everybody. A part of you had been wondering if you were going to be able not to show how you really felt for him. A part of you had applauded him for being so daring.

He had come back wearing a small smile. His eyes had been shining in that special way and you knew it was just for you. He had taken your breath away, for a fleeting moment you had wondered if the audience could hear the frantic beating of your heart? He had turned away from you and towards audience. It had been both a relief and disappointment for you.

“I’ve chosen an English song which I think most of you will recognize. I hope you’ll enjoy.”

He had still been facing the audience when the pianist started playing.

You had demurely been looking down, avoiding eye contact with the audience and doing your best to play the part of the lucky and shy girl. When you had heard the first tones you got startled. You had looked up, and had met a pair of loving eyes. In that instant you had known that you would do anything for him. Anything.

You and I, we’ve been at it so long
I still got the strongest fire
You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby
That's what saves me
When we're together I feel so invincible

He had walked around you, letting one hand stay in touch with your shoulders, before he had gone down on one knee in front of you, holding your hand, the one which wasn’t still holding the rose.

He’d leaned closer, held the mike closer to you and you had instantly known what he had wanted and softly you had sung the chorus together with him.

Cause it's us against the world
You and me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

You had known that you had cameras and people watching you, but you had let everything fade out and your world had narrowed down until it only held him while he had sung for you.

Quietly, almost whispering, you had sung the last couple of lines together with him.

Us against the world
Against the world
Us against the world

And then the world had made itself known to you and the spell broke, but not before he had leaned forward and whispered ‘Happy anniversary, love’. You had stared at him. You had thought he had forgotten.

You lean back against the old oak tree and wipe your nose. The memory brought tears to your eyes as it always does. You take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was one of your most treasured memories. You and he had both been so happy at that moment. You remember how ready you had been to conquer the world. You should have known it wouldn’t last.

You had known his family was pressuring him to settle down, to find a nice girl and start a family. He was the only son. You too had gotten hints both from your parents and your grandparents. You had become skilled in avoiding talks about marriage and potential girlfriends. Neither you nor he had told your families about you. You hadn’t dared.

Then his grandmother died. On her deathbed she had asked him to find a girl, to start a family, have children. He couldn’t deny his dying grandmother her last wish. You couldn’t blame him for making that promise.

You didn’t go to his wedding. You couldn’t. You had started dating and through a couple of friends you met Hana.

Hana. A beautiful girl, a girl who loved making wonderful flower arrangements, a girl who probably had the most generous heart ever. Not long after you met, you got engaged and then married. He didn’t come to your marriage either.

Hana, one of your greatest regrets and at the same time you couldn’t make yourself wish not to have married her.

Hana, she had deserved so much more than you could give her, she should have married someone who would have loved her as she deserved to be loved. You had loved her, but more as a friend, not as a spouse. You had known she’d loved you unconditionally and it had hurt you that you couldn’t give it back to her and not a day had passed by without you feeling guilty.

You had been working a lot too, the members of Super Junior had still been working hard in different areas and once or twice every year a single had been released and promotional work had taken place. You and the other members had travelled a lot, and you had always shared a room with him whenever you were away. It added to your guilt.

Nothing physical had happened between the two of you during these trips though. You couldn’t give Hana your love, the least you could do was to stay faithful to her with your body and he wouldn’t risk hurting his wife and daughter either. After one of your trips Hana had told you she was pregnant.

You remember with startling clarity the moment you held your son for the first time. It was both the happiest and one of the most painful moments in your life.

You had never thought you would ever fall in love again, but the first time you held him, you fell head over heels all over again. When you held him for the first time you had known that here was one more person you would move the world for. While still holding your son you had bent down and pressed a kiss on Hana’s forehead. You had known she was exhausted. She had fought so hard to bring your son into the world.

“He’s beautiful.” You’d told her. “Thank you.”

She had opened her eyes, and that was when you realized she knew you didn’t love her. She’d given you a tired but satisfied smile. The shine in her eyes had told you she was overjoyed to finally have been able to give you a gift which you loved.

You had made a promise to yourself that day, you would start spending more time at home, work less or at least try to do some of it from home. You made good on your promise and Hana smiled more often and you didn’t miss Seung’s first attempt at crawling or his first word.

When Seung was almost one year old, Hana had told you she was pregnant again and you were happier than you’d ever thought you could be without him. The doctor told you, you were expecting a girl this time.

When Hana was nearing the seventh month mark, she’d told you she was going to meet a couple of her friends at a coffee shop. You had asked her if she wanted you to drive her. She’d laughed at you and told you to stay home and play with Seung, she was pregnant not incapacitated. She had also told you she was going to meet her friends and make plans for the baby shower. She’d wanted to make sure that not every gift would come in pink.

“You may love the color pink, but I won’t have our daughter scarred for life.” She had told you with a smile, before giving you a kiss and had walked out the door.

You had chuckled softly and gone back to the living room to keep Seung entertained.

When the phone rang, you’d just put Seung down for a nap and you had hurried to answer it before it woke him up. You had recognized the number as one of Hana’s friends.

You’d held the phone so hard, so hard that your knuckles had turned white and it was a small miracle that the phone hadn’t shattered. You had quickly packed a bag with some of Seung’s things that would be needed and then you’d called for a cab. All in all it hadn’t taken you a very long time before you were standing in front of the reception desk at the hospital. You had found yourself telling the receptionist in a loud voice that your wife had been in a car accident and demanded to be brought to her at once. That was your last clear memory for a long time until the funeral.

You know in hindsight that you had managed to make plenty of decisions between the day of Hana’s death to her funeral, you just can’t remember making them. Everything was vague until you had been standing in front the picture of your wife and a sonogram of your unborn daughter.

Until this day you still don’t know how long you had been standing there, there is a huge possibility you still would be there if he hadn’t come.

He’d only touched your shoulder but you had instantly known it was him. You didn’t turn towards him, but your shoulders relaxed slightly.

“I can’t cry.” You had told him. “I haven’t been able to cry since she died. She deserved so much more in life, so much more than me, and I can’t even give her my tears.”

He had turned you towards him, cradled your face between his hands while gently caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

“You’ve been crying since the beginning of the ceremony, it ended over two hours ago.” He’d told you gently before enfolding you into his arms.

You don’t know how long you had stood there, held in the security of his arms, you’d heard the sound of someone crying, but you hadn’t realize that it was you. You had heard voices murmuring around you but you hadn’t paid them any attention. You’d felt a stick in your arm and then everything went away.

You took off your glasses and dried them off. You were forced to wear glasses daily these days. ‘Age has its privileges but it certainly has its downsides too’. You thought drily.

You put your glasses back on and once again you looked at the scenery.

You had sold the house you and Hana had lived in. You and Seung had moved to a four room apartment in a secure apartment complex. It was a lot safer than a house since there was a security guard and a receptionist working 24 hours á day, making sure that only the residents and their invited guests could enter. In your profession privacy was something you valued highly.

After Hana’s death three years ago, you had taken a step back from the public eye, choosing projects that would keep you closer to home so you would be able to spend plenty of time with Seung.

You had been baking cookies with Seung when someone had rung on the door bell. You had been a bit surprised since normally your friends called you to let you know they were coming. With a four year old child you had needed all the warning you could get. You and Seung both looked liked you had bathed in flour, which wasn’t very far from the truth. Your four year old son had loved starting food fights when you’d allowed him.

“Hello.” He had stood there, looking slightly abashed. “I-” He had paused taking a good look at you and then he’d burst out laughing.

You had stood there, letting the sound of his laughter wash over you and then you had started chuckling too.

“I’m baking.” You’d said as a way of explanation.

“I see that Seung once again has conquered the flour bag.” He’d answered with a small smirk.

You had nodded and let him in. You had looked questioningly at the bag he was holding in his hand.

“What’s with the bag?”

“I wanted to ask if I could stay here for a couple of days.” He had asked, not meeting your gaze. “It appears me and my wife have a different opinion on a lot of things, and I just can’t stand being under the same roof as Choohee for now.”

“Of course.” You had answered. “You know where the guest room is, make yourself at home.”

“It will only be for a couple of days, I promise.” He’d said before disappearing into your guestroom.

You chuckle softly to yourself. A couple of days had turned into a week. A week had turned into a month. A month turned into months. Months had turned into a year. You remember how nice it had felt to once more share your home with another adult person. Someone you could talk to about your troubles, who could give you advise, someone who didn’t need your protection. It had also been nice having someone to cook dinner with, go out with, go to the movies with, help with Seung, watch TV with, do grown-up, if mundane, things.

Not being alone.

He had came home one day and told you he was going to sign the divorce papers tomorrow. He and his wife, soon to be ex-wife, had agreed on shared custody for the children. He would have them every other week. You had nodded, you had been very happy for him, but a small part of you had been sad since you knew he would have to find a new home now where he and his children could live together.

He had smiled at you and then asked if he could take you and Seung out for dinner to celebrate? You had smiled back, given an affirmative answer, and you’d watched him rush off to help your son to get dressed. Seung would miss having his uncle living with you. Seung wouldn’t be the only one.

Over the next couple of days you had watched him search for a new place to live. He hadn’t asked you for help and since you didn’t really want him leave you hadn’t offered him any.

“Hey,” He had said one night while you were watching a drama and he was using his laptop. “Take a look at this.”

He had held out the laptop to you and you’d quickly looked through the open windows.

“All of them are nice.” You’d told him.

“But?” He’d asked.

“They’re all very big. Do you really need seven or eight rooms?” You had asked him, wondering what he was thinking.

Instead of answering your question he had just smiled and chuckled to himself as if something amusing had happened.

“Which one do you like?” He’d asked you again.

“The fourth one.” You had answered. “The building is placed in a very nice area and I’ve only heard good things about it. The rooms are nicely planned and the kitchen looks lovely. But you’re the one who is going to live there, so what matters is your opinion, not mine.”

You had looked up from the screen and saw that he was watching with fond amusement.

“You do realize that I now owe Yesung and Ryeowook a dinner in a fancy restaurant and tickets to a play of their choice?” He had said teasingly.

“Why? What did you bet on?” You had asked him with a frown.

He had ignored your question and instead he had moved closer to you.

“I should have talked to you months ago.” He had said to you in a serious tone. “But I thought that it wasn’t necessary, that you and I were on the same page. I should have known I should have been more forward. It’s easy to forget how good you are at choosing not to notice things, and draw conclusions, especially when you are afraid to get hurt.” He had taken your hand. “I’ve had enough of pleasing my family. I have done my duty to them and had children.” He’d stopped to take a deep breath. “Now, now I want to do what pleases me, makes me happy.”

He had clutched your hands tightly in his.

You remember how terrified you had been of what he might say to you. You also remember how nervous he had been.

“I want you.” He had whispered. “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting you. I never stopped longing for you. I want you, just you. In whatever way you will allow me, I want to be there for you. With you.”

You hadn’t been able to make a sound. You had stared at him, you eyes had become impossible wide. He had stared at you, his eyes begging you for an answer, a response, a sign, anything.

“Please, I know it’s a bit sudden for you but I need to know. Do I still have a chance with you?” He had whispered.

You had tried making your voice work, you could clearly see the desperation and sadness in his the longer he had to wait. He too hadn’t been that confident about your answer. You had managed to nod.

He had straddled your lap in record time and was holding your face between his hands. His big, gentle hands.

“Really?” He had asked. “Really? Really? Really?”

You had nodded again and you had watched him close his eyes in relief, his whole body had relaxed and then he had lent his forehead against yours.

“I was so afraid.” He had whispered to you. “So afraid that I was too late, that there would be no second chance. I never stopped loving you, you know. Not for a minute, not for a second. It’s always been you. Just you.”

“Me neither.” You had finally managed to find your voice. “How could I ever love someone else the same way I love you?”

He had held you close then, and you had held him back, breathing in his unique scent.

“I love you.” You had whispered to him. Words you had pushed so far down inside you, words you had believe you would never say again, words you hadn’t even dared think since you had separated. “I love you. I love you. I love you!”

You had been sitting in your living room, in each others arms, crying for the longest time, then he had whispered to you that he wanted to make love to you. In response you had taken his hand and led him to your bedroom.

Making love with him had been wonderful, and a bit embarrassing. You hadn’t touched or been touched by anyone since your wife and you had come a bit too quick in your opinion. You remember how you had hidden your eyes in mortification behind your hands but he had wanted nothing of it and had forced you to look at him. You had been flushed, both of the exertion and the humiliation.

“Don’t be like that.” He had said to you, while pushing his hips against yours to make you feel him. How hard he was. How eager he was for you.

“I love that I can get this reaction from you.” He had kissed your lips, just a tease.

“It tells me you want me.” He had nuzzled your neck, it had made you giggle since he’d kept his touch light and tickling on purpose.

“It makes me feel special.” He had let his tongue follow your breastbone.

“It makes me happy.” He had met your gaze and no more words had been needed.

You had felt yourself hardening again.

You had pulled him up and had kissed him tenderly, trying to convey everything you felt for him. It had been wonderful to touch that familiar and yet unfamiliar body, years had gone by since the last time you had made love and it had been so amazing to be able to touch him like this again.

The two of you had taken your time, reacquainting your selves with each other and when he finally had slid inside of you, you had cried. He had stopped and you had seen that he had been so terrified of hurting you. You had clutched him closer to you, with your arms and legs, not letting him move an inch.

“I’m happy.” You had told him. “Just so happy.”

You take a deep breath and let the rays from the sun play over your face. This had been one of his most favorite spots. You had come here often to talk, to make out as they say, to have picnics with the kids and to just get away from reality.

“I miss you, you know.” You murmur to the wind. “I don’t think it was very fair of you to leave me again. You’re younger than I am, I should have been the one.” You sigh and shake you head. “The kids are doing great, and so are all our grandchildren and not to mention our great grandchildren. Who had thought I’d be alive long enough to get to know them?”

“I did tell you that Heechul left last year, didn’t I?” You look down at your hands, which are resting in your lap. “I’m the only one left now and I miss you. All day, every day, every single second. That hasn’t changed.”

Heechul, he had been your oldest still living friend a year ago, he had never changed you thought. Mellowed a bit but never changed, not in his heart.

The last time you had seen him had been in a park. The two of you had decided that since the weather was nice it would be good to meet outdoors. As cliché as it was you had decided to meet at the pond and feed the ducks.

The ducks had been very enthusiastic about the food you had brought them. Heechul had complained that the two of you must truly have reached your dotage since you were here feeding the flapping critters. You had told him that he had no right to complain since it had been his idea and he had been the one to bring the bread.

Heechul had just snorted and told you that he had only proposed it because he knew you needed to get out and get some sun and somehow he had managed to make it your fault and you didn’t mind shouldering the blame since you had seen how happy it made him to win the argument about it.

The two of you had chosen a free park bench beside the pond and had talked about long lost friends and lovers.

Two old men sitting on a bench talking about the good old days. You shake your head in amusement but you then you turned somber. It had been the last time you’d seen Heechul in person. Seung, who knows Heechul’s niece, had told you that Heechul had been in an accident, he’d fallen in his home and his hip had shattered.

You had called Heechul at the hospital and he had told you in no uncertain terms that he did not want you to come and visit him. He had asked you to bake him a cake and send one of your kids over with it. You had made Heechul’s favorite. You had decorated it in the most sparkling way you could manage and had asked Seung to deliver it the next day for you.

You had of course known why Heechul hadn’t wanted you to come. With his hip shattered, even with the help of a successful surgery, he wouldn’t be able to move around freely anymore. He’d be dependent on someone else and for Heechul that was the worst thing that could have happened to him. He had wanted you to remember him as he was, not as an old man being bedridden. It had been a gift to you and you appreciated it more than you could say.

You had not been surprised when he’d died three weeks later in his sleep.

Heechul had been the last in a long row of funerals for you. Without thinking you massaged your shoulder. After his funeral you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t go to another. You were old, you got the message, and you didn’t need to go to any more funerals to remember it. It was enough waking up every morning and feeling how the bones in your body protested when you tried to get out of bed, how much your joints ached, how bad your eyesight was, and it was enough of a reminder knowing that you were alone.

He had left you on a Tuesday morning. He hadn’t been feeling very well and the doctors had said that his blood pressure was too high and a lot of other things too. During your last years together he had been forced to use a wheelchair. You had kissed him good morning as you always had done, and he had smiled at you. Age had done nothing to his beauty. At the age of 81 he had been as beautiful to you as he had been when he was twenty. To you he looked more handsome now than ever. He had often told you that he thought you were either delusional or that your eyesight had really gone bad.

He had asked you to roll him over to the huge bay windows while you made breakfast, he wanted to feel the winter sun against his face. You had teased him and said that he only wanted to watch the pretty lady who lived in the building next to you. He had laughed and told you to fix his breakfast. Before you had the chance to leave though he had grabbed your hand and brought it too his mouth for a kiss.

“I love you.” He had said with a smile.

“And I you.” You had answered and then you had pressed a kiss on top of his now snow white hair. “I’ll be right back with breakfast.”

It hadn’t taken you more than twenty minutes to fix breakfast, you had put everything on a tray and carried it over to the dining table. You had known that he wanted his coffee first, so you had poured a cup, as you always did, and walked over to him.

He had been sitting almost the same way you had left him. Facing the windows, with his eyes closed and the morning sun’s rays had gently been playing over his skin. You had smiled to yourself. He had looked so peaceful, so gorgeous. So still. Too still.

There had been a crash from the dropped coffee cup and then you had screamed. Screamed until you couldn’t breathe and then you had continued to scream anyway.

You take a deep shuddering breath and clench your fists. You hate remembering his death. You loathe it.

“I know I’m selfish.” You say to the wind, wishing it to convey your thoughts to your long gone beloved. “But living without you has been one of my greatest fears, you see. Especially during the later years when your health had been steadily declining.” You go quiet for a while. “I never thought I would get this old. I never thought I would be able to say that I have great grandchildren. How many people can say that they have gone to their great grandchildren’s graduation?”

The pain in your arm and shoulder were getting annoying. You make a mental note that you really need to call your doctor when you get back home.

“I don’t regret being alive,” You say. “I only regret being without you. This is the place where you proposed to me, this is where we decided to go to London and get wed.” You pause. “This is where I spread your ashes. You didn’t want a gravestone and with this beauty- ” You gently touch the oak tree. “I don’t blame you, I want the same thing.”

You look at your watch and realize that it’s time to head back. You can’t scare your family too much. They are a bit overprotective and sometimes treat you like a child, but you love them.

“If I have more than twenty messages from them, they’re all yours though. I’ll wash my hands from them.” You grumble.

You take your cane in one hand, the other you rest against the old oak tree, preparing yourself for the effort it will take you to stand up after sitting still for such a long time.

Half-way up you feel an intense pain in your chest. You drop your cane, fall back on your knees and clutch at your heart. You try taking a deep breath, but it seems like your lungs aren’t working. Black spots starts playing in front of your eyes. You think you see someone familiar just outside your visual field. You try to reach out a hand for help towards the figure but you can’t move it. Your vision narrows and darkens, and before you loose consciousness you can swear that someone is lovingly caressing your cheek.

You wake up and carefully you sit up. You are a bit surprised that you’re not hurting any where. You look around you and frown. You’re sitting in the middle of a huge field and you have no idea how you got here. Is this someone’s idea of a joke? You are not amused.

“He took such a long time in coming and the first thing he does is to complain.” A familiar voice says behind you.

“I don’t think you have the right to complain, considering you’ve been here the shortest time.”

You freeze. This is too cruel.

“Maybe we can save the arguing for later. I think someone needs to talk to him before he combusts or something.”

You hunch your shoulders and put your hands over your eyes. When you wake up this nightmare will be just a fleeting memory and you will be able to forget it.

“Look at your hands.” A very beloved and familiar voice whispers into your ear. It gives you goose bumps.

You can feel the familiar feeling of his body against your back and you clench your eyes tighter and shake your head.

“Do it.” He says. “Please.”

You have never been able to deny him anything, be he alive, dead or a dream.

You open your eyes and look down at your hands. They are no longer an old man hands. You gasp in surprise and hold them up in front of your face, staring at them in wonder. The skin is smooth and soft, and the knuckles and joints are no longer swollen.

The wind blows and a couple of loose strands of your hair fall into your eyes. The strands are black. Then you realize that you are no longer wearing your glasses and yet your sight is perfect.

“See,” The beloved voice says. “It’s no dream Sungmin. Turn around love. Turn around.”

You do and there he is, sitting behind you with his legs placed on either side of you. You hold his face between your hands and stare at him.

“Kyuhyun.” You whisper in wonder. “Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun.”

He smiles at you, that beautiful, lovely smile and you kiss him. You kiss him with everything you got. You can’t make yourself stop and if his response is anything to go after he too had no intention of stopping.

“Wonderful.” In the background you can hear Heechul grumbling. “We’ve been waiting for Sungmin here in Inbetween all this time, so we can finally move on and he can’t even be bothered to say Hello to us.”

“Don’t be like that hyung.” You hear Ryeowook murmur.

“Is that a tear running down your cheek, Heechul hyung?”

“Shut. Up. Donghae.”

With a small sigh you and Kyuhyun parts. He stands up smoothly, no wheelchair for him, and he gives you a hand up. His body is hindering your view, then with a grin he takes a step to the side.

And there they are. Heechul, Hangeng, Eunhyuk, Shindong, Ryeowook, Yesung, Kangin, Leeteuk, Siwon, Donghae and Kibum.

“Oh.” You say. “Oh.”

Kyuhyun hasn’t let go of your hand but the free one you hold out towards them and then you are surrounded by your friends.

You talk, you cry, you laugh. You have no idea for how long a time your reunion lasted, it could have been seconds, it could have been eons, when you hear the sound of a chime.

“It is time.” Leeteuk says and everyone nods and you can see the serene expression in all of their faces.

“Kyuhyun,” You whisper. “What’s going on?”

He looks down at you before pulling you closer.

“We’ve been waiting all this time for you.” He says. “And now when you’re here it’s time for us to move on.” He sees the anxious look in you eyes. “All of us.”

You relax, and then a thought hits you.

“But the children!” You exclaim.

“Love, we can’t help them any longer.” He tells you gently, pushing a couple of errant strands of hair away from your face.

“But-” You stop talking when reality hits you. “Oh.”

“Come on you two!” Eunhyuk grabs your free hand. “It’s coming.”

You lean against Kyuhyun and squeeze Eunhyuk’s hand. You can feel it coming too and you’re not afraid. You’re excited and from the bottom of your soul you know you’re on the way home.

‘What a beautiful light’. You think before your lips meet Kyuhyun’s and the feeling of love and peace surrounds you.