Headcanon meme: Cullen, Question 2
2. Do they have any daily rituals?
Another very long answer, purely because this hits on a core headcanon issue. Most future answers are much shorter (or mini-fic).
--Slightly off-topic paragraph on the core headcanon issue--
My headcanon explains the “reasonable” Cullen we see in Act 3 (reasonable in that he questions Meredith, is willing to face his fears of blood magic, and stops passing the buck when required to stop wrongful actions) is because he received treatment for his PTSD. No matter how one interprets his various epilogues in DA:O, Cullen’s scenes in Act 1 are a classic showing of a variety of PTSD symptoms. Likewise, he readily shares a few personal details to Hawke (and the viewer) about his problems with anxiety and nightmares. While a lot of Cullen fans refer to his progression from Uldred’s attack to the final DA2 battle as “huge emotional growth,” my headcanon calls it controlled efforts toward healing/renormalizing after a seriously traumatic event. Thus, my headcanon includes mechanisms for how this happened and how Cullen saved himself from becoming a dysfunctional and potentially dangerous or self-destructive person (we see signs of that potential during the Wilmod’s Camp scene in Act 1). That said, my headcanon also includes the optional canon in which Cullen falls in love with the f!mage Warden and, after the Uldred incident, he becomes deeply confused about his feelings: a mix of shame and rejection. My headcanon Cullen was aware of the fact that Neria Surana had rapidly fallen into a relationship with (ex-)templar Alistair, a matter that rankled him for quite a while. Thus, I see Cullen’s hardliner dialogue in Act 1 stemming from a combination of PTSD and being badly burned during his first (semi-)attempt at a meaningful relationship. (This is the subtext I hear in Act 1 when Cullen proclaims that templars and mages cannot be friends.) Given that the write in me is more of a pragmatic realist than a true romantic, I see Cullen growing up and moving on. [More on these bits of headcanon will probably appear later in other questions.]
Short answer
Younger affable Cullen didn’t really follow any daily rituals other than normal daily life. His whole life changed during Uldred’s attack on Ferelden’s Circle. After the circle was saved, Cullen spent a few months in Ferelden and three months in Kirkwall falling into destructive ritualistic behaviors. These behaviors were triggered by an acute stress reaction (aka, psychological shock) - which began to morph into full-blown PTSD. Shortly before DA2’s Act 1 events begin, a chantry brother correctly diagnosed Cullen’s condition and put Cullen on a slow but steady path toward coping/recovery that plays out over Acts 1 − 3. During this 6 year period, Cullen employed a variety of simple daily psychological/psychophysical rituals that help him retrain his responses to stress and anxiety. During the first year, he relied heavily on daily Chantry rituals (plus dogma, etc.) as a means for seeking solace and finding “normality.” As the years passed (Act 2 − 3), Cullen established a new normal for himself and began to rely less on Chantry dogma once he was able to trust that simple daily anxiety-reduction rituals would work well enough for him. Even though Cullen’s ability to manage his anxiety improved, he continued to have problems with insomnia and nightmares. Over the years, used a variety of rituals to help him fall asleep. Some of these rituals were very neurotic, such as anxiety-driven repeated checks to make sure his sleeping area was secure. Others were much more controlled (healthy), such as using progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness-style meditation.
Long answer
Prior to the circle. Cullen was given up to the Chantry at age 12 in my headcanon. Except for the weekly day of rest, every day of his youth followed the same routine: sunrise chant, bathing and breakfast, midmorning education supervised by an older chantry brother or sister, midday meal, sword practice and templar training or, later, squiring for an older templar during the afternoon, followed by supper, evening morality lecture by the chantry’s mother or some other senior brother or sister, late evening chant, bed. On the day of rest, Cullen was expected to attend four hours of chant and prayer and perform physical work on the Chantry’s property. He was a well-meaning, disciplined lad who was respectful of his elders and very much in search of a father figure but he was never particularly devout nor was he superstitious. The only truly ritualistic behavior he preformed was right before bed when he lit a candle in memory of his mother. He always read a book in bed before falling asleep.
Ferelden’s Circle. Cullen was sent to Ferelden’s Circle a week after he took his vows in the Templar Order. Once again, his day was highly regimented: wake up one hour before sunrise to join all the other low-ranked templars in the full-gear morning run (dress in full armor, march down the tower stairs to the base, run in formation ten times around the base of the tower, and then run up the tower’s stairs to the templar quarters); after that, wash up, breakfast, join all tower members in the Chantry for the morning chant, and then take up his guard post assignment for the day, stopping only for sword practice, afternoon and evening meals, evening or midnight chant, and 90 minutes of personal time spread out over two to three breaks.
The routine was predictably dull and uneventful. It mostly involved hours of standing like a statue, except Cullen wasn’t good at being a statue-like guard. He engaged anyone he could in conversation, be they other templars, mages who didn’t mind talking to a templar, or workers who were paid staff (cooks, craftsmen, cleaning staff, etc.). When stationed in the library, Cullen often read while standing guard. At the end of either the evening or midnight chant (depending on which fit into Cullen’s schedule), he lit a candle for his mother.
…And then everything changed…
Ferelden, after the Warden frees Circle from Uldred’s reign of terror. Immediately Greagoir, Irving, and Wardens Surana and Alistair declared the tower safe, Cullen was in psychological shock. His severe anxiety over the possibility of surviving blood mages manifested as periods of hypervigilance in which Cullen would ritualistically go on one-man patrols through the tower and compulsively examine the lock on every door, cabinet, etc., and compulsively check and recheck his own armor, weapons, and additional equipment every 15 to 30 minutes (including counting and recounting his medical supplies). He subjected the surviving mages to repeated checks (empty out their pockets, interrogate them on what they have been doing). Cullen was unable to sleep until he performed a ritual that that involved three to five rounds of securing his sleeping quarters. It was clear to everyone else in the tower that he had become mentally unhinged.
(After a serious incident that involved three apprentices, Cullen’s unhealthy amount of anxiety-driven confusion, and him blacking out during the incident - ‘What am I doing here? How did this happen?’ - Greagoir was smart enough to give Cullen temporary medical leave. Unfortunately, this did not work out well. Hypervigilant Cullen insisted on performing his duty and rapidly became an armed and armored nuisance in the tower. When the opportunity arose to transfer Cullen to Kirkwall, Greagoir did so with great doubt but he worried that Cullen was so mentally damaged that the had become a lost cause. Meredith immediately promoted him to Lieutenant as recognition of his experience in a hot zone during the attack on Ferelden’s circle.)
Kirkwall’s Gallows. When Lieutenant Cullen first arrived at the Gallows, he was incapable of following a set daily routine. Instead, he oscillated between three personas which kept their own routine: (1) the affable Cullen who not only wanted to do good for others but also wanted to see people rewarded for their good behavior (a key part to understanding his canon persona, imo); (2) the manically anxious Cullen who was biochemically/psychologically in a hypervigilant PTSD flair-up state and who was desperately driven to Keeping The Gallows Secure; and (3) emotionally and physically burned out Cullen who sometimes experienced mild psychological blackouts (“Where am I? What was I doing?”).
(Cullen was completely unfit for service when transferred to the Gallows, yet my headcanon for the circle system puts the Gallows at the absolute bottom of the list in term of quality. So, if Ferelden’s circle is like a gilded cage version of Yale or Oxford, the Gallows is a poorly run detention center that houses a failing vocational school. Thus, give the way the Gallows was run, Cullen’s lack of mental stability went unquestioned. As far as Meredith was concerned, Cullen was a trained, warm body who had seen action and could wield a sword.)
Regarding daily routines and rituals, affable!Cullen attempted to do as expected: show up to supervise sword practice for the recruits, attend the morning chant, etc. He’s a reasonably nice guy (for a templar) despite his inclination to act as a chantry mouthpiece. He listens to people’s problems and he honestly tries to do what is good/right/beneficial for others. (But, for a variety of reasons, he is ineffectual at getting things done, so listening and trying doesn’t necessarily beget doing.)
Hypervigilant!Cullen performed manic, paranoid rituals in which he methodically searched, patrolled, and secured perimeters within the Gallows. Younger mages and templar recruits feared him. Older mages knew it is best to avoid him when he flipped (like a switch) into this state. Older templars ignored him (the Gallows runs as many little fiefdoms). As before, hypervigilant Cullen stopped what he was doing every fifteen to twenty minutes to check his equipment in a ritualistic manner that was always done in the same order (much like how a cat always washes itself in the same sequence): check the edge on his sword, check that his scabbard’s strap and buckles are properly secured, check the binding buckles on his chest plate, check that he can remove his sword quickly without impediment, count his supply of various potions (must have at least 6 stamina potions, 8 elfroot potions, and 1 injury kit). If interrupted, he would restart this ritual from the beginning. Prankster recruits would purposefully interrupt him just to watch him start from the beginning (and then they would gossip behind his back about the crazy man who is infatuated with the Hero of Ferelden).
Emotionally and physically burned out shellshocked!Cullen tended to be found at the Gallows docks, looking across the harbor with a 1000 yard stare. People tended to ignore him when he was in that state.
Cullen suffered from insomnia and only got sleep when his body was too exhausted to do anything else, be that during the night or the day. He did not attempt to go to bed until he had performed his neurotic “secure the perimeter” ritual for his private quarters and neighboring hallway. He would often get out of bed multiple times to re-secure the perimeter…
(During these initial months, Meredith overlooked Cullen’s inability to keep a routine schedule because she believed that manic!Cullen was doing the work of 20 templars and that he was setting necessary new standards.)
During these first few months at the Gallows, Cullen’s life was entirely shaped by him swinging between periods of neurotically unhealthy ritualistic behavior (must remain vigilant!) and emotionally exhausted deadness/numbness. Somewhere in the middle of those swings were glimpses of the affable Cullen who once was. These swings, lack of sleep, and general anxiety eventually led to a minor mental breakdown in which Cullen spent the better part of a week in an exhausted emotionally blacked out state, standing at the docks, staring across the harbor.
Via a stroke of luck, a chantry brother met Cullen on the dock and correctly identified his problem. The brother offered frequent counseling in the form of spiritual advice plus teaching Cullen techniques that would manage his anxiety, fears, emotions, and general sanity. Cullen willingly accepted this offer (he realized that he was having serious problems) and this was a defining turning point for headcanon!Cullen, even though it takes years to “heal”/renormalize the damage done.
My headcanon places the first meeting with this chantry brother sometime before Act 1’s events. When Meredith sees Cullen acting devout and extremely disciplined (despite his many psychological setbacks), she is quick to set an example to others by promoting Cullen to the rank of Knight-Captain.
(Meredith also decided to turn him into the official Public Relations person for the Gallows, in which she leveraged his affable self mixed with the devout face he had put on. Thus, we see his various “the knight commander commends you” PR’ish lines to Hawke along with his Chantry mouthpiece lines. >_< )
For the next 3+ years (all of Act 1 and 2), Cullen clung unquestioningly to the ritualistic, “lawful” expectations of Being a Templar, and he dogmatically followed every single written rule and all daily rituals associated with acting as a devout templar (always attending morning, evening, and midnight chant, etc.). Yet, he did not do these actions as someone who was, at heart, a truly devout Andrastrian believer. Instead, he did it because he felt he must. It was a structure he needed - a structure that provided an external compass that substituted for his broken internal moral compass. Cullen did not trust himself because his prior beliefs had put him in danger (i.e., Ferelden’s Circle). Thus, he turned to unquestioningly Being an Andrastrian Templar.
(Headcanon tidbit: every time Hawke gets the opportunity to influence Cullen’s actions in game, this is a moment of Cullen allowing a magnetic personality-Hawke-to take responsibility for knowing what to do in a difficult situation. Throughout much of DA2, Cullen is very uncomfortable making decisions that aren’t easily backed by quotable chantry law. To him, it was better to pass the buck…)
Meanwhile, at a more useful level (imho), Cullen employed the chantry brother’s various techniques for monitoring and managing daily levels of anxiety, fear, and emotional distress, for identifying triggers, and for creating safe spaces for himself. These became daily rituals for Cullen, and the more he was able to normalize himself into a new, stable state of mind, the less he relied on chantry dogma to decide what is/isn’t right, and the less he passed the buck when difficult situations occurred. The real changes aren’t obvious until later in Act III, but my headcanon has him make smaller changes earlier on.
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Crossposted at http://vieralynn.dreamwidth.org/166438.html.