Chapter Two: When I Look At You (And You Hold My Hand)

[verucasalt123]

Cas had actually done a little better than he thought he would with the whole learning-to-be-human process. None of it had been easy - not emotionally or physically. But Dean took the time to show him most of what he needed to know for day to day living, and Sam was endlessly patient answering his questions about the many new expectations he didn’t understand and listening to him mourn what he’d lost. He hadn’t lost any of his knowledge, at least. He still spoke and understood all languages and carried vast amounts of information about the world in general. Some days it seemed like not being able to remember what it was like to be an angel would be a kindness. It wasn’t his powers he missed as much as it was his connection to his home. He’d felt it before, years ago, when he’d been temporarily cut off from the Host due to his rebellion, and he certainly didn’t welcome that feeling back. Cas had good days and bad days, just like anyone else, but it helped having Dean and Sam, and even Kevin and sometimes Garth or Jody, around for company. There was no replacement for being practically omniscient and having a constant tie to such a large community (as imperfect as it was), but at least he had this support system in place to help him identify and cope with everyday humanity and the emotions that went along with that. It wasn’t possible for the transition to be easy, of course. It was slightly easier, though, having people close by to remind him of the requirements of being human, teach him to do simple things like drive and make coffee, and learn to navigate life without the abilities he used to have.

For once, Dean and Sam were the ones who were surprised when the issue of their intimate relationship came up. They’d carefully kept it a secret for years now, and were fairly good at not letting anything slip in front of other people. It must have been second nature for them both, really - saying that two brothers sleeping together and caring for each other in a romantic way was unconventional was a gross understatement. Even in the beginning, when he’d been so foolishly pious and righteous, Cas never mentioned it. There was no point in starting what he knew would be a horribly awkward conversation and honestly it didn’t make a difference as far as their work was concerned; or so he had thought at the time.

Walking down the hallway after waking early one morning, he ran into Sam leaving Dean’s bedroom and headed for his own. Cas saw Sam’s face turn a bright red in embarrassment as he stood dumbly in front of Cas wearing only a pair of boxers (which may have been his or may have been Dean’s, it was clear that they didn’t really pay attention to that kind of thing).

“Cas! Hey, uh, you’re - you’re up early. Everything okay? You want some breakfast or coffee or something? I could make it for you. Or, if you want to do target practice, find a book to read, whatever, you know, I can help”, Sam said, his words falling out quickly and jumbled, clearly an attempt to guide Cas’ attention from the fact that he’d obviously spent the night in Dean’s bed.

Just standing there and looking at Sam with curiosity, the truth of the matter dawned on Cas. “Oh. Oh, Sam, did you think I didn’t know?”

Still desperately trying to cover, Sam replied, “Um, what do you mean? Know what?” He was smiling with effort, looking as natural as possible, though Cas could tell it was just an act.

“About you and Dean. About your incestuous relationship. You can’t possibly believe this escaped my notice for the past several years.”

Sam looked resigned then, knowing there was nothing he could do or say to save him (or Dean, when he finally woke up) from this shocking reality. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? This has to be one of the pretty big sins, right? And,” he added with trepidation, “I really hate that word, just so you know.”

“Incestuous? It is an accurate descriptor, but I suppose I understand your discomfort with the term, given the social taboo associated with it”, Cas replied, nodding. Yes, he could, in fact, appreciate Sam’s emotional reaction to having his relationship with his brother identified by a word that was viewed with negative connotations. Sam was still just standing there, shifting on his feet and looking uneasy.

Somehow knowing that this would be easier on Sam if he weren’t standing there almost naked, Cas suggested, “Why don’t you go put on some clothes and join me in the kitchen. I’ll put on a pot of coffee.” Then he just walked around Sam and headed to the kitchen. When Cas heard Sam walking into the room behind him a few moments later, he turned and saw that Sam had, indeed, covered himself up with sweatpants and a plain green t-shirt. He still looked shell-shocked, though, so Cas simply directed him to have a seat while he finished brewing the coffee and fixed it the way they all liked it - Sam with a teaspoon of real sugar and himself with four individual sized packets of fat-free hazelnut flavored creamer.

It did seem to ease the mood a bit, Sam not being able to control his amused reaction to Cas’ preparation. Dean had always joked that it wasn’t actually coffee anymore after Cas got through with it, after he’d experimented with many combinations until he finally found a way to make the beverage palatable. He preferred it with a splash of Kahlua, but was aware of Dean and Sam’s discomfort with the idea of him drinking alcohol in the morning. Apparently, it was yet another one of those things that you just don’t do. When he sat down, though, he could see that Sam was still exceptionally nervous and looking at him with a very worried expression.

“Sam. Please, there is no valid reason for you to worry about my opinion on this matter. I have known about this since I first touched your brother’s soul; his love for you was one of the first emotions I could feel.”

“Really?” Sam asked, surprised and clearly even a little proud, the ghost of a smile playing across his serious features. “I mean…even then, you didn’t think it was wrong? You were so - I mean, don’t get offended by this, Cas, but you were pretty judgmental back when we first met you. It seemed like you saw everything in terms of right or wrong, according to Heaven’s rules.”

“I am not offended, your impression of me at that time is fairly accurate. We both know I’ve gone through many changes over the years, but you are correct. When I met you and Dean after I took my vessel, I believed without question that the instructions and knowledge I’d gained in Heaven were absolute. Any doubts I had about that came much later.”

“What I don’t get is why you didn’t say anything to Dean, or hell, to me even. It’s not like you were ever hesitant to give your opinion about what Dean and I, or anyone else, did or said when it didn’t have Heaven’s stamp of approval.”

Cas laughed softly, agreeing. “Again, you are correct. I’m sure there were times that I said hurtful things to you both, to you especially”, he winced remembering his treatment of Sam during the year of the breaking seals, “much of it clearly undeserved, but I never considered those aspects. I saw it as my responsibility to point out what I believed to be wrong. The reason I never expressed displeasure regarding your activities with Dean was because I never thought it was wrong. There has never been a time when I thought there was any reason for the two of you to change what you had between you. That first year, I remember thinking how much better off you and Dean would both be if you chose to share your intimacy with him instead of with Ruby. And I’m certain I expressed my opinion about your relationship with Ruby.”

“Yes, you did, of course. So did Dean, and I should have listened to you both. Dean would never have touched me when he knew about…” Sam got a faraway look then, and Cas didn’t want this conversation to turn back to guilty feelings, so he continued.

“There is no value in dredging up past mistakes and dwelling on them, you told me that yourself more than once. I apologize for mentioning that, I was only using it as an example to illustrate my feelings at the time. The point I was trying to make was that not only did I not disapprove of your relationship with Dean, but that I felt you both would have been happier had it not been temporarily changed during that time. What you said about Heaven and its ‘approval’ - well, you’re already aware of the fact that humans have grossly misjudged God’s will for thousands of years. It is true that Heaven would not look kindly upon a sexual relationship between family members if it was not consented to by both parties. A parent taking advantage of their own child that way is unequivocally wrong, since the child has no choice in the matter and has to depend on his or her parents for most of their needs. It is reprehensible for an adult to sexually violate a child whether that child is blood kin or not. Socially, there have always been rules and laws regarding incest, many of them put into place due to the likelihood of genetic defects that could result from any child born of such a union.”

Sam interrupted him then. “If you knew all about me and Dean, though, you know that our relationship began before I was an adult.”

“Of course I did. You were, legally, in the society where you were raised, still a child. However, you were quite capable of making your own decisions and even though Dean was slightly older and often responsible for looking after you, he never forced you to do anything against your will. If he had, I would have known that as clearly as I knew everything else that his soul screamed at me as I raised and remade him. Your relationship with Dean, as complicated as it is, as much as you’ve hurt each other and unintentionally put people you knew and didn’t know at risk as a result of your connection…it’s what you both decided you wanted from the very beginning. Acting on your feelings and taking for yourselves something that made you feel good, feel happy and content even though you lived such a difficult life - there is no sin there, Sam. Regardless of the teachings of some humans, God never forbade two people of the same gender to share that kind of love; you already know that is true. You and your brother have had the attention of Heaven since before you were born; you already know that is true as well.”

“So, what you’re saying is”, Sam said, looking surprised and a little doubtful, “you weren’t giving us a pass on sleeping together because you liked us. You’re saying that Heaven never disapproved in the first place.”

Cas smiled then, glad that his friend was starting to understand. “Heaven does not judge people for loving each other, Sam. The way that you and Dean express and experience your love for each other is not common between siblings, but it is what is right for both of you. You’ve freely handed over your hearts to each other for many years, and that is a kind of trust and bond that demonstrates honest and powerful love. I understand why you might have thought I wouldn’t approve, but I certainly hope that now you know that is not the case, and it never has been.”

Relief washed over Sam’s face, and his eyes were glossy with unshed tears. He seemed unable to respond for a moment, and it was obvious that he felt better for having had this conversation, though he’d certainly been reluctant at first. Before either of them could say anything else, Dean walked past them and directly to the kitchen counter, filling up a steaming mug and taking a sip of his unaltered morning coffee. He didn’t pay much attention to either of them until he noticed the look on Sam’s face. Castiel was completely unsurprised that Dean immediately went to his brother’s side and asked what was going on.

Since Sam was still silent, Cas decided to answer the question. “Sam was under the impression that I was unaware of your inces-“, he cut himself off, remembering Sam’s statement about his discomfort with that specific term, “of your romantic and sexual relationship. I wanted to make sure he knew that it was unnecessary to attempt to hide it from me, since I am aware of the circumstances and have never felt any disapproval toward either of you just because you express your feelings for each other in an unconventional way.”



Dean dropped his coffee mug and it shattered on the kitchen floor as his eyes darted back and forth between his brother and his friend. Finally, Sam looked at Dean with a genuine smile and wiped at his wet eyes. “It’s okay, Dean. Don’t freak out. Cas gets it.”

Cas figured the two of them would talk about it with each other in private. He certainly didn’t expect Dean to share some kind of emotional moment right then and there; Dean baring his heart in front of anyone but Sam was an exceptionally rare occurrence, though Cas had been witness to it probably more times than most of the people they knew. He quietly got up and left the table; he figured this would be a good time for him to bring his sweetened coffee out to the library and give his friends some time alone.

*****

Sam and Dean got a good laugh over that memory, still lying in each other’s arms. “I don’t know why it never occurred to either of us that Cas would know”, Dean said.

“Well, like I talked about with him, I figured if he knew he’d blast us with a speech about immorality and sin and fornication or something. You remember what he was like back then.”

“Yeah. This whole thing is so fucked up - not us, obviously - just the fact that people know and they don’t care. Or they don’t mind. Mostly. I guess we always tried so hard to hide it, it never crossed my mind that people wouldn’t flip their damn lids if they found out.”

Sam replied, “Sure, I mean, that used to be true, though. Our whole life was pretending - we were forest rangers, FBI agents, coroners, exterminators…shit, we were priests that one time, remember? It’s not like we could just go up to random strangers, or people we just met, and tell them we were monster-hunting brothers and hopefully they didn’t mind if we slept in the same bed.”

“You’re right about that, I know. The majority of people would never accept our relationship as it is, we just ended up being surrounded by friends who for some reason aren’t bothered that much by it, if at all. Kind of makes me wonder, though.”

Sitting up and taking a sip from his water bottle on the nightstand, Sam asked, “About what? Why our friends aren’t freaking out about it?”

“No, actually, now I’m thinking about how many other people knew, or know now, and never said anything. What they thought, if they figured it out. Like…I don’t know, Charlie?”

Barking out a sharp laugh, Sam’s immediate response was, “Bet you ten bucks she made us within a day.”

Dean smiled for a moment, then agreed, “Yeah, you’d probably win that bet. Not just her, though. Other people, you know, people who knew us for a lot longer.”

Sam cut right to the chase. “Like Dad?”

Groaning, Dean covered his eyes with his forearm. “Christ, Sam, come on! He probably would have cut my throat. At the very least he would have spoken his damn mind about it, he’d have been pissed as hell! You can’t doubt that, seriously? Dad would have lost his shit.”

“Yeah…I mean, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t know, really, or didn’t want to know, but I have to admit there were times I thought he suspected. Not before I left for school, but once we were all back together again. I know it wasn’t for long, and everything was so crazy. But sometimes I’d catch him looking at us like he thought we were hiding something. Maybe not this”, Sam gestured between them, “but - just like there was something we were keeping from him. You know he always had a good instinct for that shit.”

“Hell yes he did”, Dean agreed. “It wasn’t easy to get much past the old man, that’s for sure." Dean thought about how scared they were at first, about their dad finding out, and Sam of course was remembering the same things. All those safety precautions they took; waiting a specific amount of time before they even touched each other so they could be sure John wasn’t coming back for something he forgot, washing the sheets over and over again, leaving windows open regardless of the weather to make sure the place they were staying didn't reek of sex. They tried using air-freshener spray once, and all it got them was their father constantly hounding them both for days because he was convinced they'd been smoking and were trying to cover up the smell. It was nerve-racking for both of them, but not enough to stop them.

Sam set down his water and sat back against the headboard, reaching out for Dean’s hand. “I know. I think what scared me the most was the thought that he would hurt you. That was hard to reconcile, because he never hurt us, not either of us, ever, not more than a swat on the ass if we were acting up, but we’d both seen him do some crazy violent shit, so I knew he was capable. Just the idea of that rage inside of him being turned on you-”

Dean lifted up a little, looked Sam straight in the eyes. “You stop that now, I can see that look you’re getting. It never happened, Sammy, so don’t go imagining shit that might have or could have. See, you’re starting to get yourself all upset, cut it out.”

“You’re right, I know, just - forget it”, Sam replied, shaking off those ugly feelings. He couldn’t help following the same train of thought, though. “What about Bobby? Do you think he knew? Or suspected even?”



“No clue”, Dean said. “Never got that feeling from him, but he wasn’t shy about telling us we were ‘too close’, more concerned about each other than the entire world, whatever.” Dean could still hear Bobby’s words, clear as day, from all those years ago - What exactly are you afraid of? Losing? Or losing your brother? “Heard that lots of times from lots of people, though. I know we’re not like most brothers, but most brothers haven’t had our life. They haven’t had to make the same choices, live through the same nightmares that we have. So people didn’t approve of us being like two halves of a whole - even without knowing the rest - too bad for them. Been a long damn time since either of us needed approval from anyone else.”

Sam sighed. “Good point, we haven’t needed it, but with all this lately, people finding out about us being together…it’s nice, isn’t it? Having the approval from people we care about, people whose opinions we respect?”

“Course it is. Not that anything’s changed in some ways, I mean, we’ve never been big into PDA; I know it was from necessity at first but even though people know, we still don’t walk around making out on the sidewalk or sitting in each other’s laps, right?”

That got a laugh out of both of them. “You know I love you Dean, but yeah, I can’t really see us making a big production out of it in public.”

Dean had a thought then, and asked in a joking stage whisper, “What about Garth? You think he’s on to our dirty secret?”

Leaning over to bite Dean’s lower lip and lick a long slow stripe up his neck just to make a display, Sam started giggling. “Garth? Of all people? Come on, Dean. He may have come a long way from when we first met him, but let’s be realistic here. I’m sure he’s clueless.”

*****

Garth was a relative newcomer to the Winchester’s lives, much as Kevin was. But he’d known about them before he met them, heard stories from Bobby. He couldn’t believe his luck when Bobby sent him to meet Dean for a case. A case. With Dean Winchester. As much as he tried, he couldn’t help showing his enthusiasm; he really admired Dean and his brother just from the things he knew about them second-hand. He had a sister, spoke to her on Christmas and their birthdays, but she was eight years older and they’d never been close. The things he’d heard about Sam and Dean’s devotion to each other ran in direct opposition to what he experienced the first time he’d seen the two of them together. Garth couldn’t imagine what had happened to change them from the guys he’d heard all these stories about into these two stone-faced men who couldn’t stand to meet each other’s eyes or be in the same room. It was confusing, but he wasn’t around long enough to make heads or tails of it. As he got to know them a little better, he began to understand how a relationship so intense could run blood-hot or ice-cold in quick turns. Closest thing he could compare it to was the couples he’d known when he was younger who’d constantly break up in the middle of a huge screaming fight then get back together with just as much passion, and keep doing it over and over again. He’d seen the Winchesters at their worst and at their best. Hell, there wasn’t much in his life (his insane roller coaster of a monster-killing life) that had scared him more than seeing Dean point a gun at Sam and recite all the things Sam had done wrong over the years. Until he stood there watching Sam, this strong giant of a man, crumble at the sound of it, practically beg his brother to just go on ahead and kill him if he was really that much of a terrible person. As much as he enjoyed spending time with them and felt there was so much he could learn about the life getting to know the brothers, it was straight up disturbing sometimes watching them interact. Bobby sure hadn’t warned him about that.

Now, though, they weren’t these larger than life legends he was meeting like a fan, the Winchesters were his friends. He worked with them, sure, and was proud that Dean and Sam both seemed to have so much more respect for his methods now, but he’d also just spent time hanging out. After the trials and the angels falling, shit was bad - real bad, for a good long while. But now that things were, as much as they could be, settling down a bit and there was a place they called home, he visited Dean and Sam when he could, sent them on cases; simple ones at first when Sam had finally gotten healthier. It was rare for Dean to let Sam out of his sight these days, and Garth didn’t blame him. After everything they’d already faced, almost losing Sam to the trials had changed something in Dean. Both of them seemed just a bit more calm, more secure. Those huge arguments were a thing of the past, not that they never fought, because they did, but now they listened to each other. Neither of them ever walked away until the issue was resolved, and there was no leftover pent-up resentment hanging over their heads. It was nice, Garth thought, seeing them like this. Their own home, roommates to share it with for better or for worse (he was still a little freaked out by Cas), friends to check in on them.

During a weekend visit on his way from a hunt to his own place in Tennessee, Garth passed out early on the sofa while Dean and Sam were researching for him in the library. When he woke up, it was dark; he hadn’t realized he’d slept so long. He got up to take a piss and raid the kitchen, finding a few slices of pie wrapped up in the refrigerator. He could see the light still on in the library and barely heard Dean and Sam talking quietly, so he figured he’d go see if they wanted any while he was making a plate for himself. Something made him stop short, just a feeling as he was approaching the other room. It was easier to hear them now.

“Yeah, I think this is what Garth is looking for, Sammy. Nailed it again”, he heard Dean say with a little pride. Sammy? Dean never said that unless there was some kind of serious emergency situation, not that Garth had ever heard. Then the reply, clear as a bell. “Lucky you, ending up with a big nerd like me.” That was Sam, laughing, an ongoing joke about him being dorky or something, typical. He almost started moving again when Dean answered his brother.

“Lucky me, all right”, and Garth knew that tone when he heard it, no question. He knew exactly what it was, and he knew what the sounds he heard right after it were, too. A cut-off moan, a sigh, quiet for a few seconds, a little more of those soft rustling noises, then a reluctant, “Cut it out, Garth’s in the next room, man.”

People didn’t always give him credit for being able to figure things out, Garth knew that, and maybe he’d been a little slow on the uptake here, but he wasn’t too dense to know exactly what was going on in the library. So many little puzzle pieces started falling into place in his memories - the intensity of their emotions toward each other, the protective instinct, the constant push and pull between what was right for one and what was right for both - it was a full picture now where once it had just been pieces. Dean and Sam didn’t just love each other. They loved each other. As many times as one or both of them had gone off to look for happiness somewhere else, they ended up right back together sooner rather than later. Sometimes out of necessity or obligation, it might seem, at first. But underneath all that, the truth was that they needed each other, belonged together, wouldn’t find what they had right here anywhere else, with anyone else, no matter how hard they tried to convince themselves or each other. Garth hadn’t thought about it much, the fact that with the way things were now, either of them could have gone out into the world on their own to make a life for himself but neither Sam nor Dean even seemed to consider the possibility. Again, though, now that he knew what he knew, now that he’d heard what he’d heard…of course they hadn’t. Why would they? Everything Sam needed was right here in this hidden away place in Kansas, and it wasn’t any different for Dean. Garth smiled, a flash of his favorite childhood movie making its way unbidden to the forefront of his mind. A pretty little girl in braids and gingham, looking around at her family and saying If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with...

He went back to the kitchen, made a big, loud production of taking out the leftover pie from the refrigerator and heating it up in the microwave, and then he just waited. Sam and Dean made their way to where he was before the timer went off as he knew they would; Dean bitching at Garth for eating his pie, Sam rolling his eyes and laughing. Just like always, a normal evening in the place Dean still liked to refer to as 'the Batcave', two brothers and their friend. Garth didn’t figure there was any point in mentioning what he’d overheard. Yeah, it was all kinds of fucked up, he guessed, if you were going by the standards of people who didn’t know what they knew, hadn’t seen what they’d seen. Now that he understood what it meant, hell, there wasn’t much he thought would be nicer than if there was someone in his life who looked at him the way the two of those Winchester brothers looked at each other.

Just to piss Dean off, he took the rest of the pie when he left in the morning. He’d be back; maybe one day they’d tell him, or maybe they never would. Didn’t matter much to Garth either way. They were the same two idjits Bobby had told him about years ago, nothing was going to change that.

Epilogue