Fic: Who Am I 18/? Logan/Veronica PG-13
Fic Title: Who Am I 18/? PG-13
Author: Brandee
Pairing/Character:Logan/Veronica Casey, Mac, Meg
Word Count:3,366
Rating:PG-13
Summary: AU Lilly lived but things still changed drastically...
Spoilers: Season 1
Warnings: Nothing to harsh.. A few words
A/N: Finally!!! Sorry for the delay! I want to thank everyone who has responded to this fic, you have no idea what it has meant to me!! Big thanks again to my beta, Blkyangel for being so fantastic..I
(Chapter 1),(Chapter 2), ( Chapter 3)(Chapter 4)(Chapter 5)( Chapter 6)(Chapter 7)( Chapter 8)( Chapter 9)( Chapter 10)( Chapter 11)( Chapter 12)( Chapter 13)( Chapter 14)( Chapter 15)>)( Chapter 16)( Chapter 17)
The first thing Logan noticed when he pulled into Veronica’s drive way was that her father’s car was missing. He jumped out of the Xterra, and paused for a moment when he saw Veronica’s car in the driveway. If something was wrong, why wouldn’t her father be there with her? It was unlike Keith Mars to leave his daughter during a crisis.
He had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that Mac had said Lianne Mars was gone. That tiny word could have so many meanings. He just hoped it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
When he walked up on the steps Logan took a moment to take a deep breath before knocking on the door. There was loud music coming from inside; pounding music that reminded him of the angry girl music Lilly would listen to when she was mad at him. He wrapped his hand around the door knob and when it opened without difficulty, he shook his head in confusion. The Mars family always kept their door locked; it was one of Keith’s biggest rules. Something wasn’t right; he could feel it deep down.
He slowly opened the door peering in for some sign of Veronica. “Veronica?” he called out, “Veronica are you here?”
The sound of glass shattering against the wall caused him to jump and then he was running toward Veronica’s bedroom. “Veronica!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry mom, I'm sorry,” Logan heard her whimpering as he turned to corner. He blinked twice when he saw her, his heart dropping as he stared helplessly.
Veronica was on her hands and knees in the floor of her hallway whispering to a picture as she frantically tried to clean up the broken glass in the floor. Tears ran down her face as she sobbed loudly repeating her apology over and over again. He watched as her body shook, her tears falling from her face and onto the carpeted floor. He couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t stand to watch his Veronica fall apart in front of him.
“Tink,” he swallowed, “Tink stop.”
His words came out slow and steady as he kneeled down and placed a hand on her back. Veronica jerked back, and her eyes fell to the floor as she turned away from him.
“Get out!” she cried, “You’re not supposed to be here!”
“Mac, she told me, she told me you needed me.”
“I called Mac, not you," she whimpered as she grabbed at the glass in the floor. “If I had wanted you I would have called you.”
He watched as her hand folded over a hand full of shattered glass and she grimaced in pain. She wasn’t thinking straight, he could see it in her eyes. She didn’t care about the pain, she didn’t care about anything. He didn’t want to compare her to a wild animal because that would sound so cliché, but she was broken, that much he knew.
“Shhh, here you’re going to cut yourself.” He whispered grabbing her hands and holding them in his. Logan was amazed at how perfect her tiny hands fit in his. He felt Veronica fighting against him, trying to tugging them away. He looked down and saw blood on his own hands and he frowned as he grabbed at Veronica, “You’re bleeding Tink.”
“I don’t care!” she shouted, “I just don’t care anymore!”
He watched as she backed against the wall and pulled her legs up to her chest. Logan’s heart broke at the sight of her, but he knew he had to help her. He moved toward her slowly and wrapped one arm around her shoulder carefully, letting it fall gently, as his hand rested against her arm, “Talk to me, Veronica. I’m here, look at me, I’m right here just talk to me.”
“She left me,” Veronica whispered looking up at him, “My mom left me Logan.”
Logan closed his eyes and let the words sink in, “I thought she was in rehab?”
“She checked herself out or something, I don’t know, but she left, she just took off!” she cried as she rested her head on his shoulder, “Why did she leave me?”
“I don’t know baby,” Logan whispered, “I don’t know.”
“Daddy… daddy went to look for her.” she stuttered, “I told him I was ok, and he went to find her.”
“You’re not ok.” Logan spoke with a frown as he wiped her hair away from her forehead, “Let’s get you out of this hallway k?” he questioned gently, “Clean that hand, and talk?”
“I did this,” She spoke pointing to the picture, “I…I just threw it and it broke.” she whispered, “I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to break it; I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
Logan knew she wasn’t talking about the picture. In his mind he flashbacked to when he was younger, when he blamed himself for his father’s behavior and he cringed. He had been a bad little boy that was the reason his dad got drunk, that was the reason he had hit him. It was always his fault in his mind, even his mother’s pain, she had stood up for him, and she had taken the black eye for him, because he had been bad. Veronica had that same look in her eyes, the one that said she was to blame. He couldn’t let her do that; Logan knew he could never let Veronica think she was at fault for her mother’s leaving.
“Hey, it’s ok,” Logan smiled as he rested his head against hers, “At the Echolls house, we toss pictures all the time. We’ve made it into a sport. You wouldn’t believe the frames we go through in a year.”
“I’ve been good right?” she asked never looking up at him, “I mean I’ve tried so hard. I make good grades, I clean the house, and I’m always at home on time. What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do that made her want to leave us?”
“Hey,” Logan spoke as he turned to face her, “Listen to me Tink,” he cupped her face gently in his hands as her uncertain eyes made contact with his, “This isn’t your fault, you hear me? Whatever caused your mom to leave, it’s not you, you didn’t do this Tink.”
“I want my mom Logan,” she cried trembling as she crumbled into his arms, “How could she do this to us?”
“I don’t know baby, I honestly don’t know.” Logan whispered against her, “But we’re going to get you through this, ok? You hear me Veronica?”
“Why does everyone leave me?” she asked as he gently rocked her in his arms.
“Not everyone.” He whispered against her.
She pulled away from him and wiped her eyes roughly with her hand ignoring the dried blood that still lingered from the tiny cuts. “Lilly, Duncan, now my mom, they all lied to me, and then, then they just walked away.”
Logan stood carefully and offered Veronica his hand. She took his hand eyeing him the whole time, as he gently helped her up placing a hand on her back for support when her legs wobbled slightly.
“Lilly and Duncan are idiots.” Logan spoke as he led her to her bedroom. “Let’s get you in here ok? I’ll clean up that mess later.”
She nodded as she followed him, her hand clinging to his as he helped her to her bed. He looked at her; at how weak she was as she crawled up on her bed. All he could do was be there for her, even if he had no clue what he was doing. He wanted to hurt everyone that had caused her tears, Duncan, Lilly, her mother, and even himself. Everything she had been through lately seemed so unfair to him. Veronica Mars didn’t deserve this kind of pain; she didn’t deserve to have her rose colored glasses ripped off all at once.
He turned her stereo off and the silence suddenly took over the room. All he could hear now were her sniffles. She was breathing hard trying to hold back her sobs. The sounds of her hurting felt like a punch to his gut as he watched her go from one emotion to the next.
“They all promised,” she whispered weakly as she looked up at him with swollen eyes.
“They all said the same thing, they’d never leave me, they’d always be here, always love me,” her voice was growing louder as she spoke, “They told me I’d always have them, mom, Lilly, Duncan, they all said the same things!” She sat up on the bed and wiped her eyes again, “Do you see them here Logan?” She asked, “Do you see my mom? Or Lilly? Where’s Duncan? Where are the people who claimed to love me?”
“Veronica…” He began.
“They lied!” she yelled startling him, “They all lied to me Logan! That’s what people do, they make promises they can’t keep and then they just leave. I stood up to Lilly and she wiped her hands of me, and mom and Duncan? I don’t understand, I don’t understand why they walked away.”
“I don’t either Veronica.” He spoke honestly as he moved to sit beside her on the bed. “Life isn’t fair, it isn’t fair and you don’t deserve it.”
She looked at him with cold hurt eyes and frowned, “You did it too.”
Her words stung him in the worse way as she backed away from him slightly waiting for his answer. Logan dropped his head, “I’ve never left you Tink.”
“You lied.” She spoke her voice childish as she moved her hand out to his chin forcing him to look up at her, “You lied to me Logan.”
“When?” he questioned although he knew the answer before it even slipped off of her lips. Veronica wasn’t stupid, and he knew she had seen right through his act.
“When you took it back.”
“The kiss,” he stated knowingly as she nodded her head, “Let’s not talk about that now Tink.”
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with it?” she asked, “What if I want to talk about it Logan? Maybe I think it’s time! You’re still here; you’re the only one that’s left so let’s get it all out in the open.”
He looked in her eyes and he knew what was going on. He was her punching bag, the one that had stayed even after hurting her. Logan knew as her eyes narrowed at him, that he was the one that was going to have to take the hit. Everyone else had taken the coward’s way out. Duncan and Lianne both walked away without explanation, and Lilly had turned her back with little thought. It was obvious to him that her mother’s leaving had brought back all her hurt. Veronica needed someone to blame, someone to yell at, and Logan knew he deserved it as much as the rest.
He moved off the bed and stood up. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at her. With a shrug he finally spoke, “Fine, let’s talk about it.”
“You said it was a mistake!” she spoke jumping off the bed to face him, “That’s what you said right? It was out of place?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, “That’s what I said.”
“But it was a lie, it was a lie wasn’t it Logan?”
This wasn’t the time and place, he told himself as he watched her walk circles around him. They shouldn’t be talking about this, not when her mother had just run off for no good reason. Veronica needed to be comforted, but instead she wanted a fight. It made sense to him, why she’d want to deal with things with yelling, but it didn’t mean it would help.
“Veronica…”
“Admit it Logan,” she spoke, “Just admit it.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders, “It was a lie.”
She took a few steps backward as she narrowed her eyes, “You hypocrite!”
“What? No! Let me explain…” he began reaching toward her. She jumped back and shook her head violently and he knew there was nothing he could say.
“Explain?” she laughed bitterly, “Explain what Logan? You kissed me, you kissed me and it was amazing!” she spoke shaking her head, “Then you said it was a mistake! You made me feel, you made it seem,” she stammered trying to find the words, “How could you?”
The words came out quickly causing Logan to cringe, “Veronica, just listen to me,” he began, “Please, I’ll tell you the truth.”
“Shut up Logan! Just shut up!” She growled out, “You were furious with me for not telling you about Weevil and Lilly! You wouldn’t even talk to me, and then you just lied to me like that? Like it was nothing? Like I was nothing?”
“I was terrified Veronica!” he exploded, “I was scared of my feelings for you! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but when I kissed you, what I felt, it scared me!”
“So you just took it back? You wanted me to believe it was nothing? That you didn’t care?” she fumed, “You lied to my face about something that was so special to me?”
“I was still upset with you, and scared, I know it sounds messed up, but it’s true.”
“It sounds like you played me!”
“We shouldn’t be doing this right now,” he spoke taking a step toward her, “This is the wrong time!”
“Oh that’s right; you get to decide when we talk about what! I forgot you’re Logan Echolls, you make all the decisions!”
“Veronica, please…”
“Please what? You’re just like everyone else Logan! You couldn’t own up to the truth, why? Was it because I’d never be as good as Lilly? Sweet little Veronica? I’d be too boring for you? Was that it? You freaked because you knew I’d never do it for you?”
“No of course not!”
“Veronica is so perfect,” she mimicked angrily, “She’d never give it up, is that it Logan? Is that what you thought?”
She was shaking and completely irrational. Logan had no idea what to say to calm her down. He’d never seen her so out of it, jumping from one topic to another, doing anything she could to forget the real problem. She took a few steps toward as she wiped her tears and all he could do was stare at her. Before he knew what was happening she was lunging toward him, and then her hands were on his face, holding it as she quickly pressed her mouth to his.
It was desperate and wild, but Logan knew it wasn’t Veronica. It was a lot of things, but it wasn't Veronica. She pulled him closer, and Logan knew he needed to pull away. He felt her tongue run across his lips and he told himself he had to stop her. Instead he found himself gripping her to him, opening his mouth and allowing the kiss to deepen. It was wrong, so wrong, but her fingers were in his hair and all he could do was want her. She pressed herself closer to him and pushed him toward the wall. He held her to him as he ran his hands along her back taking in the moment for all it was worth. He needed to stop, needed to get it together, but he couldn’t find the strength.
She pulled away suddenly with the same force that had started the kiss and he heard himself groan at her departure.
Her hair was messy, her lips swollen as she glared at him with an uncertain smirk, “Was that Lilly enough for you?”
The words came out through a heavy breath as she wiped her lips and stared up at him, her eyes never wavering from his.
“I don’t want Lilly!” He managed as he fought to find a normal breathing pattern again, “I don’t want you to be anything like Lilly! You have to know that Veronica, you have to know that I don’t ever want another Lilly in my life. You, you’re amazing just the way you are.”
“Liar.”
“Veronica, you’re upset right now.” Logan frowned, “This isn’t about me, or Lilly. This is about your mom,” he let out a sigh, “We shouldn’t be doing this now. It’s the wrong time, we should wait.”
“This isn’t about my mother!”
“You sure about that?” Logan challenged, “Let’s just take a deep breath, before we ruin everything ok?”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” She spoke but her voice was lower as she eyed the floor, “I… I can make my own decisions.”
“I know Tink, you’re strong like that.”
“I am strong,” she nodded trying to convince herself, “I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.”
Tears streamed down her face as she looked around the room. He wasn’t sure what she was looking for, if anything. He knew she didn’t have much left in her. She was worn out, her body tired from the emotions that were running through it.
“Right, of course not,” Logan frowned, “You just need to rest right now, deal with everything later.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she mumbled weakly, “I can take care of myself.”
He watched as she stumbled slightly and when he saw her legs wobble he found himself rushing toward her. He could see she was falling, and without thinking he lifted her in his arms before she fell to the ground. She let out a whimper of resistance as he laid her on her bed. She crumbled into a ball, gripping her pillow as she let out a strained sigh. “Stop trying to play hero, Logan.”
“I’m not going to stand here and let you hurt yourself!,” he defended as she looked up at him.
She stared at him blankly, blinking a few times as she moved her hand to her lips and frowned. He knew it was hitting her, what she had done, what they had done. It was rushing onto her face as she lowered her eyes and moved her hand to her hair nervously.
Her face flushed as she looked at him, “I kissed you.”
“It’s ok,” Logan sighed, “I didn't stop you."
“I totally jumped you,” she whispered, “I, that’s, it’s not me.” She managed, “It’s not me.”
“I know Tink.”
“I’m still furious at you,” she muttered, “You lied to me, you ruined everything! Just like the rest of them. Why did you have to be like them?”
He watched as she rested her head on her pillow. “I’m sorry Tink.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen to us,” she whispered as her eyes closed slowly, “It just hurts, everything hurts.”
Logan looked around the room and saw a pink blanket in the corner of the room. He moved to get it, and then looked at it for a moment as he shook his head. All the pinks and whites were suddenly gone from Veronica he realized as he looked at her tear stained face. Black eye makeup ran down her cheeks as she fought to stay awake. What little innocence she had left was gone now, he was almost sure of that. Duncan, Lilly and her mother had managed to take it all away from her one by one.
He rested the blanket across her and leaned down gently brushing a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes blinked open as she turned her head away from him. Logan frowned at the gesture, so simple, yet so loud at the same time. He let out a sigh and backed up to the wall sinking down to the floor slowly. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. She could hate him if she wanted, but he wasn’t leaving her alone. He made a promise to her the night her mother decided to go to rehab, a promise to protect her, and he had no intentions of backing away from that, not now, not ever.
Author: Brandee
Pairing/Character:Logan/Veronica Casey, Mac, Meg
Word Count:3,366
Rating:PG-13
Summary: AU Lilly lived but things still changed drastically...
Spoilers: Season 1
Warnings: Nothing to harsh.. A few words
A/N: Finally!!! Sorry for the delay! I want to thank everyone who has responded to this fic, you have no idea what it has meant to me!! Big thanks again to my beta, Blkyangel for being so fantastic..I
(Chapter 1),(Chapter 2), ( Chapter 3)(Chapter 4)(Chapter 5)( Chapter 6)(Chapter 7)( Chapter 8)( Chapter 9)( Chapter 10)( Chapter 11)( Chapter 12)( Chapter 13)( Chapter 14)( Chapter 15)>)( Chapter 16)( Chapter 17)
The first thing Logan noticed when he pulled into Veronica’s drive way was that her father’s car was missing. He jumped out of the Xterra, and paused for a moment when he saw Veronica’s car in the driveway. If something was wrong, why wouldn’t her father be there with her? It was unlike Keith Mars to leave his daughter during a crisis.
He had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that Mac had said Lianne Mars was gone. That tiny word could have so many meanings. He just hoped it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
When he walked up on the steps Logan took a moment to take a deep breath before knocking on the door. There was loud music coming from inside; pounding music that reminded him of the angry girl music Lilly would listen to when she was mad at him. He wrapped his hand around the door knob and when it opened without difficulty, he shook his head in confusion. The Mars family always kept their door locked; it was one of Keith’s biggest rules. Something wasn’t right; he could feel it deep down.
He slowly opened the door peering in for some sign of Veronica. “Veronica?” he called out, “Veronica are you here?”
The sound of glass shattering against the wall caused him to jump and then he was running toward Veronica’s bedroom. “Veronica!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry mom, I'm sorry,” Logan heard her whimpering as he turned to corner. He blinked twice when he saw her, his heart dropping as he stared helplessly.
Veronica was on her hands and knees in the floor of her hallway whispering to a picture as she frantically tried to clean up the broken glass in the floor. Tears ran down her face as she sobbed loudly repeating her apology over and over again. He watched as her body shook, her tears falling from her face and onto the carpeted floor. He couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t stand to watch his Veronica fall apart in front of him.
“Tink,” he swallowed, “Tink stop.”
His words came out slow and steady as he kneeled down and placed a hand on her back. Veronica jerked back, and her eyes fell to the floor as she turned away from him.
“Get out!” she cried, “You’re not supposed to be here!”
“Mac, she told me, she told me you needed me.”
“I called Mac, not you," she whimpered as she grabbed at the glass in the floor. “If I had wanted you I would have called you.”
He watched as her hand folded over a hand full of shattered glass and she grimaced in pain. She wasn’t thinking straight, he could see it in her eyes. She didn’t care about the pain, she didn’t care about anything. He didn’t want to compare her to a wild animal because that would sound so cliché, but she was broken, that much he knew.
“Shhh, here you’re going to cut yourself.” He whispered grabbing her hands and holding them in his. Logan was amazed at how perfect her tiny hands fit in his. He felt Veronica fighting against him, trying to tugging them away. He looked down and saw blood on his own hands and he frowned as he grabbed at Veronica, “You’re bleeding Tink.”
“I don’t care!” she shouted, “I just don’t care anymore!”
He watched as she backed against the wall and pulled her legs up to her chest. Logan’s heart broke at the sight of her, but he knew he had to help her. He moved toward her slowly and wrapped one arm around her shoulder carefully, letting it fall gently, as his hand rested against her arm, “Talk to me, Veronica. I’m here, look at me, I’m right here just talk to me.”
“She left me,” Veronica whispered looking up at him, “My mom left me Logan.”
Logan closed his eyes and let the words sink in, “I thought she was in rehab?”
“She checked herself out or something, I don’t know, but she left, she just took off!” she cried as she rested her head on his shoulder, “Why did she leave me?”
“I don’t know baby,” Logan whispered, “I don’t know.”
“Daddy… daddy went to look for her.” she stuttered, “I told him I was ok, and he went to find her.”
“You’re not ok.” Logan spoke with a frown as he wiped her hair away from her forehead, “Let’s get you out of this hallway k?” he questioned gently, “Clean that hand, and talk?”
“I did this,” She spoke pointing to the picture, “I…I just threw it and it broke.” she whispered, “I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to break it; I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
Logan knew she wasn’t talking about the picture. In his mind he flashbacked to when he was younger, when he blamed himself for his father’s behavior and he cringed. He had been a bad little boy that was the reason his dad got drunk, that was the reason he had hit him. It was always his fault in his mind, even his mother’s pain, she had stood up for him, and she had taken the black eye for him, because he had been bad. Veronica had that same look in her eyes, the one that said she was to blame. He couldn’t let her do that; Logan knew he could never let Veronica think she was at fault for her mother’s leaving.
“Hey, it’s ok,” Logan smiled as he rested his head against hers, “At the Echolls house, we toss pictures all the time. We’ve made it into a sport. You wouldn’t believe the frames we go through in a year.”
“I’ve been good right?” she asked never looking up at him, “I mean I’ve tried so hard. I make good grades, I clean the house, and I’m always at home on time. What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do that made her want to leave us?”
“Hey,” Logan spoke as he turned to face her, “Listen to me Tink,” he cupped her face gently in his hands as her uncertain eyes made contact with his, “This isn’t your fault, you hear me? Whatever caused your mom to leave, it’s not you, you didn’t do this Tink.”
“I want my mom Logan,” she cried trembling as she crumbled into his arms, “How could she do this to us?”
“I don’t know baby, I honestly don’t know.” Logan whispered against her, “But we’re going to get you through this, ok? You hear me Veronica?”
“Why does everyone leave me?” she asked as he gently rocked her in his arms.
“Not everyone.” He whispered against her.
She pulled away from him and wiped her eyes roughly with her hand ignoring the dried blood that still lingered from the tiny cuts. “Lilly, Duncan, now my mom, they all lied to me, and then, then they just walked away.”
Logan stood carefully and offered Veronica his hand. She took his hand eyeing him the whole time, as he gently helped her up placing a hand on her back for support when her legs wobbled slightly.
“Lilly and Duncan are idiots.” Logan spoke as he led her to her bedroom. “Let’s get you in here ok? I’ll clean up that mess later.”
She nodded as she followed him, her hand clinging to his as he helped her to her bed. He looked at her; at how weak she was as she crawled up on her bed. All he could do was be there for her, even if he had no clue what he was doing. He wanted to hurt everyone that had caused her tears, Duncan, Lilly, her mother, and even himself. Everything she had been through lately seemed so unfair to him. Veronica Mars didn’t deserve this kind of pain; she didn’t deserve to have her rose colored glasses ripped off all at once.
He turned her stereo off and the silence suddenly took over the room. All he could hear now were her sniffles. She was breathing hard trying to hold back her sobs. The sounds of her hurting felt like a punch to his gut as he watched her go from one emotion to the next.
“They all promised,” she whispered weakly as she looked up at him with swollen eyes.
“They all said the same thing, they’d never leave me, they’d always be here, always love me,” her voice was growing louder as she spoke, “They told me I’d always have them, mom, Lilly, Duncan, they all said the same things!” She sat up on the bed and wiped her eyes again, “Do you see them here Logan?” She asked, “Do you see my mom? Or Lilly? Where’s Duncan? Where are the people who claimed to love me?”
“Veronica…” He began.
“They lied!” she yelled startling him, “They all lied to me Logan! That’s what people do, they make promises they can’t keep and then they just leave. I stood up to Lilly and she wiped her hands of me, and mom and Duncan? I don’t understand, I don’t understand why they walked away.”
“I don’t either Veronica.” He spoke honestly as he moved to sit beside her on the bed. “Life isn’t fair, it isn’t fair and you don’t deserve it.”
She looked at him with cold hurt eyes and frowned, “You did it too.”
Her words stung him in the worse way as she backed away from him slightly waiting for his answer. Logan dropped his head, “I’ve never left you Tink.”
“You lied.” She spoke her voice childish as she moved her hand out to his chin forcing him to look up at her, “You lied to me Logan.”
“When?” he questioned although he knew the answer before it even slipped off of her lips. Veronica wasn’t stupid, and he knew she had seen right through his act.
“When you took it back.”
“The kiss,” he stated knowingly as she nodded her head, “Let’s not talk about that now Tink.”
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with it?” she asked, “What if I want to talk about it Logan? Maybe I think it’s time! You’re still here; you’re the only one that’s left so let’s get it all out in the open.”
He looked in her eyes and he knew what was going on. He was her punching bag, the one that had stayed even after hurting her. Logan knew as her eyes narrowed at him, that he was the one that was going to have to take the hit. Everyone else had taken the coward’s way out. Duncan and Lianne both walked away without explanation, and Lilly had turned her back with little thought. It was obvious to him that her mother’s leaving had brought back all her hurt. Veronica needed someone to blame, someone to yell at, and Logan knew he deserved it as much as the rest.
He moved off the bed and stood up. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at her. With a shrug he finally spoke, “Fine, let’s talk about it.”
“You said it was a mistake!” she spoke jumping off the bed to face him, “That’s what you said right? It was out of place?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, “That’s what I said.”
“But it was a lie, it was a lie wasn’t it Logan?”
This wasn’t the time and place, he told himself as he watched her walk circles around him. They shouldn’t be talking about this, not when her mother had just run off for no good reason. Veronica needed to be comforted, but instead she wanted a fight. It made sense to him, why she’d want to deal with things with yelling, but it didn’t mean it would help.
“Veronica…”
“Admit it Logan,” she spoke, “Just admit it.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders, “It was a lie.”
She took a few steps backward as she narrowed her eyes, “You hypocrite!”
“What? No! Let me explain…” he began reaching toward her. She jumped back and shook her head violently and he knew there was nothing he could say.
“Explain?” she laughed bitterly, “Explain what Logan? You kissed me, you kissed me and it was amazing!” she spoke shaking her head, “Then you said it was a mistake! You made me feel, you made it seem,” she stammered trying to find the words, “How could you?”
The words came out quickly causing Logan to cringe, “Veronica, just listen to me,” he began, “Please, I’ll tell you the truth.”
“Shut up Logan! Just shut up!” She growled out, “You were furious with me for not telling you about Weevil and Lilly! You wouldn’t even talk to me, and then you just lied to me like that? Like it was nothing? Like I was nothing?”
“I was terrified Veronica!” he exploded, “I was scared of my feelings for you! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but when I kissed you, what I felt, it scared me!”
“So you just took it back? You wanted me to believe it was nothing? That you didn’t care?” she fumed, “You lied to my face about something that was so special to me?”
“I was still upset with you, and scared, I know it sounds messed up, but it’s true.”
“It sounds like you played me!”
“We shouldn’t be doing this right now,” he spoke taking a step toward her, “This is the wrong time!”
“Oh that’s right; you get to decide when we talk about what! I forgot you’re Logan Echolls, you make all the decisions!”
“Veronica, please…”
“Please what? You’re just like everyone else Logan! You couldn’t own up to the truth, why? Was it because I’d never be as good as Lilly? Sweet little Veronica? I’d be too boring for you? Was that it? You freaked because you knew I’d never do it for you?”
“No of course not!”
“Veronica is so perfect,” she mimicked angrily, “She’d never give it up, is that it Logan? Is that what you thought?”
She was shaking and completely irrational. Logan had no idea what to say to calm her down. He’d never seen her so out of it, jumping from one topic to another, doing anything she could to forget the real problem. She took a few steps toward as she wiped her tears and all he could do was stare at her. Before he knew what was happening she was lunging toward him, and then her hands were on his face, holding it as she quickly pressed her mouth to his.
It was desperate and wild, but Logan knew it wasn’t Veronica. It was a lot of things, but it wasn't Veronica. She pulled him closer, and Logan knew he needed to pull away. He felt her tongue run across his lips and he told himself he had to stop her. Instead he found himself gripping her to him, opening his mouth and allowing the kiss to deepen. It was wrong, so wrong, but her fingers were in his hair and all he could do was want her. She pressed herself closer to him and pushed him toward the wall. He held her to him as he ran his hands along her back taking in the moment for all it was worth. He needed to stop, needed to get it together, but he couldn’t find the strength.
She pulled away suddenly with the same force that had started the kiss and he heard himself groan at her departure.
Her hair was messy, her lips swollen as she glared at him with an uncertain smirk, “Was that Lilly enough for you?”
The words came out through a heavy breath as she wiped her lips and stared up at him, her eyes never wavering from his.
“I don’t want Lilly!” He managed as he fought to find a normal breathing pattern again, “I don’t want you to be anything like Lilly! You have to know that Veronica, you have to know that I don’t ever want another Lilly in my life. You, you’re amazing just the way you are.”
“Liar.”
“Veronica, you’re upset right now.” Logan frowned, “This isn’t about me, or Lilly. This is about your mom,” he let out a sigh, “We shouldn’t be doing this now. It’s the wrong time, we should wait.”
“This isn’t about my mother!”
“You sure about that?” Logan challenged, “Let’s just take a deep breath, before we ruin everything ok?”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” She spoke but her voice was lower as she eyed the floor, “I… I can make my own decisions.”
“I know Tink, you’re strong like that.”
“I am strong,” she nodded trying to convince herself, “I don’t need anyone telling me what to do.”
Tears streamed down her face as she looked around the room. He wasn’t sure what she was looking for, if anything. He knew she didn’t have much left in her. She was worn out, her body tired from the emotions that were running through it.
“Right, of course not,” Logan frowned, “You just need to rest right now, deal with everything later.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she mumbled weakly, “I can take care of myself.”
He watched as she stumbled slightly and when he saw her legs wobble he found himself rushing toward her. He could see she was falling, and without thinking he lifted her in his arms before she fell to the ground. She let out a whimper of resistance as he laid her on her bed. She crumbled into a ball, gripping her pillow as she let out a strained sigh. “Stop trying to play hero, Logan.”
“I’m not going to stand here and let you hurt yourself!,” he defended as she looked up at him.
She stared at him blankly, blinking a few times as she moved her hand to her lips and frowned. He knew it was hitting her, what she had done, what they had done. It was rushing onto her face as she lowered her eyes and moved her hand to her hair nervously.
Her face flushed as she looked at him, “I kissed you.”
“It’s ok,” Logan sighed, “I didn't stop you."
“I totally jumped you,” she whispered, “I, that’s, it’s not me.” She managed, “It’s not me.”
“I know Tink.”
“I’m still furious at you,” she muttered, “You lied to me, you ruined everything! Just like the rest of them. Why did you have to be like them?”
He watched as she rested her head on her pillow. “I’m sorry Tink.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen to us,” she whispered as her eyes closed slowly, “It just hurts, everything hurts.”
Logan looked around the room and saw a pink blanket in the corner of the room. He moved to get it, and then looked at it for a moment as he shook his head. All the pinks and whites were suddenly gone from Veronica he realized as he looked at her tear stained face. Black eye makeup ran down her cheeks as she fought to stay awake. What little innocence she had left was gone now, he was almost sure of that. Duncan, Lilly and her mother had managed to take it all away from her one by one.
He rested the blanket across her and leaned down gently brushing a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes blinked open as she turned her head away from him. Logan frowned at the gesture, so simple, yet so loud at the same time. He let out a sigh and backed up to the wall sinking down to the floor slowly. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. She could hate him if she wanted, but he wasn’t leaving her alone. He made a promise to her the night her mother decided to go to rehab, a promise to protect her, and he had no intentions of backing away from that, not now, not ever.