Into, Not At
Title: Into, Not At
Author: verocity
Fandom: 2AM
Featuring: Jinwoon-centric, Seulong, Jokwon, Changmin
Rating: G
Warnings: N/A
Genre: Gen
Summary: There's more to Jinwoon than meets his own eyes and he doesn't know why.
Word Count: 1,506
Edit! The talented geniebsmart made a very evocative musical composition in response to this fic. Be amazed.
Jinwoon doesn't like looking into mirrors.
Oh, he's fine looking at them, nothing wrong with that, and in some detached way he knows there's nothing more to it than smooth surfaces playing with light. What he sees is what's there, but he's blissfully unaware of the delicate art of mirrorcrafting and he'd like to keep it that way.
But looking into a mirror... that's different. He never knows who'll look back at him. Oh, he knows he'll see a mirror image of himself, and the mirror will show him what's really there... but he's afraid-
Jinwoon just doesn't like looking into mirrors and that's final.
~*~
Jokwon is the first to clue in on it.
"Tell me about your squint," Jokwon says before having a mouthful of his breakfast (rice, seaweed, and potato pancakes because he likes his high-fiber diet).
"My squint?" Jinwoon asks, squinting, and he wonders whether Jokwon dreamed up something weird again and Jinwoon just happened to be the only one awake enough to act as his sounding board/unwilling psychotherapist.
Jokwon raises an eyebrow, and Jinwoon knows this is so about him and he strongly considers screaming at the top of his lungs so Changmin-hyung and Seulong-hyung can rescue him from this horrible moment of pseudo-randomness. Because if there's one thing he learned about Jokwon in the past half-decade of living with him, it's that Jokwon isn't random; Jokwon is all about control, and the best way to control people is to make them think you don't have it.
Jinwoon decides to take refuge in his bacon and fried eggs (there is so much meat in his diet because protein, protein protein and he's a growing boy and hey, meat tastes good!) and thinks of the best way to pretend like he's choking... but Jokwon would probably just kick him in the stomach in lieu of the Heimlich maneuver and having a bruise on his abs on the day of his shirtless photoshoot won't reflect positively on him.
Help arrives in the form of a lumbering giant.
"Coffee," Seulong says groggily as he sprawls himself on Jinwoon's back and steals a few bacon strips from Jinwoon's plate. "Magnae, get me my coffee."
Jinwoon wants to protest the unwarranted torture of having to support Seulong's weight when his own muscles still feel like rubber and his breakfast is decreasing at an alarming rate. But he remembers that he kind sorta wished Seulong-hyung would arrive because... oh yeah, Jokwon... who is now staring blankly at his mug of tea as if he himself had just woken up.
Jinwoon grins at both his hyungs even though Seulong is still sprawled lazily on top of him. "In a minute, hyung!" he says cheerfully. He jerks himself to a standing position and cackles good-naturedly at Seulong's surprised yelp as his still-asleep sense of coordination fails to save him from the perils of gravity.
Jokwon scolds Jinwoon about abusing his hyungs, but he's laughing anyway so Jinwoon doesn't take him seriously and attends to the coffee maker with a song in his heart. He's just secretly glad that he has a reason to turn his back on Jokwon-hyung.
The pot is smooth and shiny and sparklingly clean. Jinwoon sees his reflection on it, but it's distorted by the curved surface so he deems it safe.
There's no trace of breakfast left on his plate by the time he returns to the table with a mug of Columbian brew.
~*~
Jinwoon being who he is, the threat of mirrors is very abundant. He's well aware of this, consciously aware. He wonders if the others are as well.
"Lift your head, please," the make-up artist tells him.
He obliges and squints at the ceiling. He barely even registers the sponge that coats his neck with layers and layers of primer.
He's lucky he has really small eyes. He tells himself this every day.
It takes the better part of an hour for their stylist to announce her satisfaction with Jinwoon's make-up. He stands up and pretends that his bones are creaking with old age, which is greeted with Changmin's and Seulong's laughter. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jokwon studiously Not Looking at Him with a smirk on his lips.
It's Changmin's turn next. "Can you use a lighter concealer on my eyebags?" Jinwoon hears him ask the make-up artist.
"I don't know if you should interfere with the make-up, hyung," Jokwon says lightly from the couch. "Jinwoon certainly hasn't found anything to complain about. Ever."
Damn Jokwon-hyung. Jinwoon offers his brightest grin-squint combination, but out of the corner of his eye he sees Seulong's smile twitch into something more reserved and his eyes - normally so playful - shows the beginnings of suspicion.
Damn Jokwon-hyung. Seriously.
If he'd bothered to look, he'd have seen Changmin catch Jokwon's eye through their reflections. But there were mirrors practically everywhere in this salon and Jinwoon knows that the only way to deal with things is to fixate on the floor. Sure, they're also waxed to a shine, but they don't show you who you are.
He hears the giggles of admiration from the customers who recognize him, and he silently thanks them for acknowledging his presence.
~*~
"Bathroom," Changmin tells him urgently in the third hour of filming Star King. "In three... two... one..."
And sure enough the PD announces a 10-minute break to prepare for the next section. The idols all over the stage turn into a frenzy of restless energy, which makes it easier for Jinwoon and Changmin to sneak off.
"I feel oddly girly going to the restroom in pairs," Jinwoon tells his hyung without irony.
"Aww," Changmin chides him. "We can gossip about boys and our favorite brands of tampon to complete the experience."
"Is that what they talk about?" Jinwoon asks incredulously.
"How should I know? Ask Jokwon."
Except that, weirdly enough, Changmin-hyung apparently didn't need to go to the bathroom at all because he ignores the toilets and urinals and instead heads straight for the sinks to wash his hands. Jinwoon waits for him patiently by the door.
Changmin grins at him with the undercurrent of a dare, and Jinwoon realizes that if he doesn't swim with the tide he could end up being pulled under. He strides confidently to the sink beside the one Changmin-hyung is using, washes his hands, squints at the mirror then at his hyung's reflection and dares him back.
Changmin shakes his head and chuckles softly, and Jinwoon wonders if his trained musician's ears really did pick up tones of worry in his hyung's laughter. They did.
"Jokwon was right," Changmin tells him between amusement and concern or with amused concern. Jinwoon couldn’t decipher which, but his heart pounds and he tears his eyes away and stares solidly at his feet.
"We all have neuroses," Changmin assures him as he dries his hands with paper towels. "We can live with some of them. But some, like this one, you have to resolve."
Jinwoon doesn't answer. Jinwoon doesn't look at him.
"I can't believe it took us years to notice," Changmin tells him with a self-conscious laugh. "Do it for us, okay?" he says with the confidence and power of a hyung, and Jinwoon finds himself saying yes in his mind. As if habits picked up over half a decade are that easy to unravel.
Changmin leaves.
Jinwoon forces himself to look at- no, into the mirror, but automatically his eyes narrow and his vision blurs and he could barely make-out the person staring back at him against a background of dimly lit bathroom stalls. He tells himself to man up, that it's okay, that it's just his reflection for cryin' out loud... but he can't, because he'll see himself and that's-
The door opens and Seulong briskly walks in. He sees Jinwoon, grins, and makes his way beside him.
"I swear those par lights are burning my skin crisp," Seulong tells him with gallows humor as he washes his hands. Hyung stares critically at hyung-in-the-mirror for flaws in his make-up or strands of hair out of place or if the foundation was thick enough to hide the tiny scar beside his right eyebrow.
Jinwoon wonders what it is that Seulong sees, wonders if he ever worries that the person in there won't be the person he thinks himself to be. He wonders if Seulong has ever had nightmares about waking up one day and realizing that he's a talentless hack who only happens to have a pretty enough face to still be adorable.
But Seulong is Seulong while Jinwoon is Jinwoon, and one is blessed with the courage to accept his flaws and to proceed despite them, while the other pushes himself forward because of his fears and insecurities and he knows someday they'll catch up to him and he'll see what's really there and his music will be gone and all he'll have left is a pretty face with nothing to show for it and that's what he hates most.
Author: verocity
Fandom: 2AM
Featuring: Jinwoon-centric, Seulong, Jokwon, Changmin
Rating: G
Warnings: N/A
Genre: Gen
Summary: There's more to Jinwoon than meets his own eyes and he doesn't know why.
Word Count: 1,506
Edit! The talented geniebsmart made a very evocative musical composition in response to this fic. Be amazed.
Jinwoon doesn't like looking into mirrors.
Oh, he's fine looking at them, nothing wrong with that, and in some detached way he knows there's nothing more to it than smooth surfaces playing with light. What he sees is what's there, but he's blissfully unaware of the delicate art of mirrorcrafting and he'd like to keep it that way.
But looking into a mirror... that's different. He never knows who'll look back at him. Oh, he knows he'll see a mirror image of himself, and the mirror will show him what's really there... but he's afraid-
Jinwoon just doesn't like looking into mirrors and that's final.
~*~
Jokwon is the first to clue in on it.
"Tell me about your squint," Jokwon says before having a mouthful of his breakfast (rice, seaweed, and potato pancakes because he likes his high-fiber diet).
"My squint?" Jinwoon asks, squinting, and he wonders whether Jokwon dreamed up something weird again and Jinwoon just happened to be the only one awake enough to act as his sounding board/unwilling psychotherapist.
Jokwon raises an eyebrow, and Jinwoon knows this is so about him and he strongly considers screaming at the top of his lungs so Changmin-hyung and Seulong-hyung can rescue him from this horrible moment of pseudo-randomness. Because if there's one thing he learned about Jokwon in the past half-decade of living with him, it's that Jokwon isn't random; Jokwon is all about control, and the best way to control people is to make them think you don't have it.
Jinwoon decides to take refuge in his bacon and fried eggs (there is so much meat in his diet because protein, protein protein and he's a growing boy and hey, meat tastes good!) and thinks of the best way to pretend like he's choking... but Jokwon would probably just kick him in the stomach in lieu of the Heimlich maneuver and having a bruise on his abs on the day of his shirtless photoshoot won't reflect positively on him.
Help arrives in the form of a lumbering giant.
"Coffee," Seulong says groggily as he sprawls himself on Jinwoon's back and steals a few bacon strips from Jinwoon's plate. "Magnae, get me my coffee."
Jinwoon wants to protest the unwarranted torture of having to support Seulong's weight when his own muscles still feel like rubber and his breakfast is decreasing at an alarming rate. But he remembers that he kind sorta wished Seulong-hyung would arrive because... oh yeah, Jokwon... who is now staring blankly at his mug of tea as if he himself had just woken up.
Jinwoon grins at both his hyungs even though Seulong is still sprawled lazily on top of him. "In a minute, hyung!" he says cheerfully. He jerks himself to a standing position and cackles good-naturedly at Seulong's surprised yelp as his still-asleep sense of coordination fails to save him from the perils of gravity.
Jokwon scolds Jinwoon about abusing his hyungs, but he's laughing anyway so Jinwoon doesn't take him seriously and attends to the coffee maker with a song in his heart. He's just secretly glad that he has a reason to turn his back on Jokwon-hyung.
The pot is smooth and shiny and sparklingly clean. Jinwoon sees his reflection on it, but it's distorted by the curved surface so he deems it safe.
There's no trace of breakfast left on his plate by the time he returns to the table with a mug of Columbian brew.
~*~
Jinwoon being who he is, the threat of mirrors is very abundant. He's well aware of this, consciously aware. He wonders if the others are as well.
"Lift your head, please," the make-up artist tells him.
He obliges and squints at the ceiling. He barely even registers the sponge that coats his neck with layers and layers of primer.
He's lucky he has really small eyes. He tells himself this every day.
It takes the better part of an hour for their stylist to announce her satisfaction with Jinwoon's make-up. He stands up and pretends that his bones are creaking with old age, which is greeted with Changmin's and Seulong's laughter. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jokwon studiously Not Looking at Him with a smirk on his lips.
It's Changmin's turn next. "Can you use a lighter concealer on my eyebags?" Jinwoon hears him ask the make-up artist.
"I don't know if you should interfere with the make-up, hyung," Jokwon says lightly from the couch. "Jinwoon certainly hasn't found anything to complain about. Ever."
Damn Jokwon-hyung. Jinwoon offers his brightest grin-squint combination, but out of the corner of his eye he sees Seulong's smile twitch into something more reserved and his eyes - normally so playful - shows the beginnings of suspicion.
Damn Jokwon-hyung. Seriously.
If he'd bothered to look, he'd have seen Changmin catch Jokwon's eye through their reflections. But there were mirrors practically everywhere in this salon and Jinwoon knows that the only way to deal with things is to fixate on the floor. Sure, they're also waxed to a shine, but they don't show you who you are.
He hears the giggles of admiration from the customers who recognize him, and he silently thanks them for acknowledging his presence.
~*~
"Bathroom," Changmin tells him urgently in the third hour of filming Star King. "In three... two... one..."
And sure enough the PD announces a 10-minute break to prepare for the next section. The idols all over the stage turn into a frenzy of restless energy, which makes it easier for Jinwoon and Changmin to sneak off.
"I feel oddly girly going to the restroom in pairs," Jinwoon tells his hyung without irony.
"Aww," Changmin chides him. "We can gossip about boys and our favorite brands of tampon to complete the experience."
"Is that what they talk about?" Jinwoon asks incredulously.
"How should I know? Ask Jokwon."
Except that, weirdly enough, Changmin-hyung apparently didn't need to go to the bathroom at all because he ignores the toilets and urinals and instead heads straight for the sinks to wash his hands. Jinwoon waits for him patiently by the door.
Changmin grins at him with the undercurrent of a dare, and Jinwoon realizes that if he doesn't swim with the tide he could end up being pulled under. He strides confidently to the sink beside the one Changmin-hyung is using, washes his hands, squints at the mirror then at his hyung's reflection and dares him back.
Changmin shakes his head and chuckles softly, and Jinwoon wonders if his trained musician's ears really did pick up tones of worry in his hyung's laughter. They did.
"Jokwon was right," Changmin tells him between amusement and concern or with amused concern. Jinwoon couldn’t decipher which, but his heart pounds and he tears his eyes away and stares solidly at his feet.
"We all have neuroses," Changmin assures him as he dries his hands with paper towels. "We can live with some of them. But some, like this one, you have to resolve."
Jinwoon doesn't answer. Jinwoon doesn't look at him.
"I can't believe it took us years to notice," Changmin tells him with a self-conscious laugh. "Do it for us, okay?" he says with the confidence and power of a hyung, and Jinwoon finds himself saying yes in his mind. As if habits picked up over half a decade are that easy to unravel.
Changmin leaves.
Jinwoon forces himself to look at- no, into the mirror, but automatically his eyes narrow and his vision blurs and he could barely make-out the person staring back at him against a background of dimly lit bathroom stalls. He tells himself to man up, that it's okay, that it's just his reflection for cryin' out loud... but he can't, because he'll see himself and that's-
The door opens and Seulong briskly walks in. He sees Jinwoon, grins, and makes his way beside him.
"I swear those par lights are burning my skin crisp," Seulong tells him with gallows humor as he washes his hands. Hyung stares critically at hyung-in-the-mirror for flaws in his make-up or strands of hair out of place or if the foundation was thick enough to hide the tiny scar beside his right eyebrow.
Jinwoon wonders what it is that Seulong sees, wonders if he ever worries that the person in there won't be the person he thinks himself to be. He wonders if Seulong has ever had nightmares about waking up one day and realizing that he's a talentless hack who only happens to have a pretty enough face to still be adorable.
But Seulong is Seulong while Jinwoon is Jinwoon, and one is blessed with the courage to accept his flaws and to proceed despite them, while the other pushes himself forward because of his fears and insecurities and he knows someday they'll catch up to him and he'll see what's really there and his music will be gone and all he'll have left is a pretty face with nothing to show for it and that's what he hates most.