The Master of Fractions (NC-17, Bert/Quinn/Jeph)
Title: The Master of Fractions
Author: valerie_z
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Bert/Quinn, Bert/Quinn/Jeph
Disclaimer: This is pretend.
Notes: Takes place after Brandon was kicked out of the band, before they started recording Lies for the Liars. All my bandslash is here. Thanks for reading it.
Bert and Quinn were lying naked and half-asleep in the sunlight as it streamed in through the open blinds and fell on Bert's bed. When Quinn's phone rang, he considered smashing it against the wall, but he really liked his phone. Also, last night Bert had thrown his phone in the toilet, so if Quinn smashed his, no one would be able to reach them. Which seemed like a good idea for a split second, since they'd been through so much recently and could use time to lay low. But Quinn had given his number to ten different drummers over the past week, and they really needed to start recording soon.
"Hello?" Quinn muttered.
"Are you asleep?" It was Jeph. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Noon?"
"Three," Jeph corrected. "What were you doing all night?"
Quinn vaguely remembered smoking weed, watching TV, pounding cans of beer, and marathon sex. "Writing songs," he said.
Jeph sighed. "Fine. Come over later, or don't come over, whatever."
"Okay." Quinn hung up the phone and rolled over on top of Bert.
"Monkey bagel," Bert said.
"What?"
Bert's eyes blinked open. "I had the weirdest dream. What time is it?"
"Noon," Quinn said. "Jepha's upset."
Bert put his arms around Quinn and rolled them both over so that they were on their sides. "Well, yeah," Bert said. "They were close."
Quinn rested his head against Bert's shoulder. "It's my fault."
"No fucking way, man," Bert said. "How about we go cheer up Jepha? I know exactly how."
"How?"
Bert smiled. "Big gay threesome."
Quinn rolled his eyes. "Sex doesn't solve everything."
"Yeah? Are you still mad at me from yesterday?"
Quinn frowned. "I don't remember why I was mad at you yesterday."
Bert tapped him on the chest. "And you know why? Because I sucked your brain out through your dick."
Quinn nodded. "You make an excellent point."
Bert licked Quinn's eye and then got out of bed. He started picking up pieces of clothing off the floor and sniffing them. When he came to a blue t-shirt he held it out to Quinn, who was still in bed.
"Does this smell like your balls?" Bert asked.
"You would really know better than me."
Bert shrugged, put on the blue t-shirt, and found a pair of shorts in one of the piles. He picked out clothes for Quinn and threw them on top of where he was hugging his pillow.
"Rise and shine, bitchface," Bert said. "We have a mission."
Quinn pushed the smelly t-shirt off his face. "I demand coffee and breakfast before I touch anyone's dick."
"Yes, princess," Bert said with a smirk, and he rushed off to the kitchen before Quinn's phone could connect with his head.
After a long breakfast consisting of toast, pancakes, chicken, green beans, and a few other things they found in the refrigerator, Quinn and Bert smoked a joint, drove to Jeph's house, and knocked on the door.
When Jeph opened the door, he was shirtless. Bert pushed him back, screamed, "Bedroom!" and the two of them tripped over each other as Bert guided them into the bedroom and Quinn quietly followed. Bert pushed Jeph onto the bed and curled up next to him. Quinn flopped down on the other side of him. They both put their hands on Jeph's bare torso.
That Jeph didn't find this odd at all showed how long he'd known both Bert and Quinn. "Did you record anything?" Jeph asked conversationally.
Bert bit the side of Jeph's face.
"Or are you just gonna play some shit for me?"
Bert slowly kissed down Jeph's neck, taking time to trace his tattoos with his tongue.
"Because if all we have is those three tracks," Jeph continued. "There's no point in going to John's next week."
It was only when Quinn sucked Jeph's ear into his mouth that Jeph began to look confused.
"What's happening?" Jeph asked.
Bert moved his mouth down the length of Jeph's torso and licked just under the waistband of Jeph's jeans, on his typewriter tattoo. "We're making you feel better," he said. "And we're re-connecting as a band." He bit down on Jeph's stomach once, hard, then looked up at him. "What are you into? You're into kinky shit, aren't you?"
Quinn released his ear with a small popping sound. "Want me to pee on you?" he offered.
Bert smiled. "He's really good at that."
"No! No peeing!" Jeph said. He pushed Bert off his stomach. "Look, I appreciate the...whatever you're doing. But what I'm really into is, oddly enough, being heterosexual."
Quinn waved one hand dismissively. "Over-rated."
Bert made a disapproving face. "Heterosexuality is so last year."
Quinn kissed Jeph's neck. "If you do it with two guys it's not gay anymore."
"It cancels each other out," Bert added. "Like negative numbers in fractions."
"You don't know shit about fractions," Jeph muttered.
Bert was up on his knees in an instant. "Take that back!"
Quinn sighed against Jeph's neck.
Bert leapt onto Jeph's body, simultaneously assaulting him with tickles and bites to his torso. Finally Jeph, more out of annoyance than pain, said, "Fine, fine, you are the master of fractions."
"Fuck yes I am!" Bert shrieked, and he shoved his hand in Jeph's pants.
"Ouch," Jeph said. He fought past Bert's hands so he could undo his pants and ease the pinching of his jeans. "Fine, whatever." He looked down at where Bert was tugging Jeph's dick out of his underwear and giving it some preliminary licks. "At least now I can go to the We Fucked Bert McCracken meetings." He tilted his head back and closed his eyes as Bert took him all the way into his mouth. "At Madison fucking Square Garden."
"Shush," Quinn said, and he pulled Jeph down for a kiss. They kissed easily, and Jeph was struck by the novelty of having a warm mouth on both his face and his dick, even if the one on his face was a good friend, and the one on his dick was, well, Bert.
Bert lifted himself off Jeph's dick, cleared his throat, spit on it liberally, and then grabbed it and jerked it a few times, hard.
"Not sexy!" Jeph called out.
"I am the sexiest motherfucker you know," Bert argued, but he went back to work with just his mouth.
"He's not bad at that," Jeph gasped against Quinn's lips.
"Yeah, you're welcome," Quinn muttered, and they went back to kissing.
It wasn't long before Jeph felt himself coming undone. He gripped Quinn's narrow shoulders, groaned into his neck, and reached down to tap Bert's head and warn him.
Bert lifted his head, releasing his mouth's warm grip, and said, "Oh, right, like I'm not gonna swallow for one of my closest -" He was cut off as Jeph came across his chin and neck.
"You motherfucker," Bert said. He leaned back against the heels of his feet. "I was gonna..." He ran his finger through the semen and put it into his mouth. "Oh, hey," Bert said. "You've been eating seafood."
Jeph did up his pants and collapsed against the pillows.
"Quinny," Bert sang out as he reached forward and groped for Quinn's zipper. "Do you only love me because I'm a huge slut for cock?"
"No, of course not," Quinn replied as he assisted Bert in getting his pants to his knees. "I love you for your soul." He moaned as Bert's mouth connected with his dick. "Your beautiful, slutty, cocksucking soul."
Bert punched Jeph in the calf.
"What the fuck?" Jeph said.
"I think you have to participate," Quinn said, pulling Jeph flush against him. "It's part of the healing process." He took his shirt off. "I like nipple stuff."
"Are you always a demanding bitch in bed?" Jeph asked.
"Yes," Bert said from Quinn's crotch.
Jeph dutifully started licking and sucking on Quinn's nipples, while Bert continued his work licking and sucking on Quinn's dick. Quinn sighed happily, putting one hand on Bert's head and one on Jeph's shoulder.
Jeph bored of Quinn's chest quickly and looked up at Quinn, resting his head on his folded hands. "Do you really not have anything to record?"
"I have tons of shit ready to go," Quinn assured him. "And Bert has like thirty pages of lyrics, though they get kind of...repetitive."
Jeph raised his eyebrows questioningly. Quinn mouthed Gerard, but it ended up being a hard name to mouth silently, since it just looked like he was growling, and Jeph said, "Huh?"
Quinn held up one finger. "Hold on a sec." He closed his eyes halfway, let out a small breath, and came in Bert's mouth.
"You've got this down to a science," Jeph noted.
Bert crawled up Quinn's body, smiling. "He's a very efficient young man." He ran his tongue over his teeth. "Who tastes like peanut butter." He leaned down and kissed Quinn.
"Hey, I do taste like peanut butter," Quinn said. He pulled Bert down on top of his body and kissed him deeply.
Jeph sat up. "I'm just gonna -"
Quinn reached up and grabbed him by the hair, pulling him back down to the bed.
"You don't need me," Jeph argued.
Bert separated himself from Quinn's lips and looked over at Jeph. "We're healing, Jepha." He waggled his fingers at him. "Heal with us."
Jeph sighed and folded his hands under his pillow. "I wonder if other bands have problems like this."
Beside him, Bert was trying to pull off his pants without falling off Quinn. "Do the thing," Bert said in a low voice.
"Oh, you mean? Yeah," Quinn replied.
Quinn spit on his hand and gripped Bert's dick, as Bert pressed his body down against Quinn's. He was giving Quinn barely any room to maneuver, but Quinn didn't seem to mind. They attacked each other's faces with an enthusiasm Jeph hadn't even seen in porn, much less real life, kissing each other manically and gripping hard at each other's shoulders. Bert pushed down against Quinn's hand with purposeful thrusts, and before long he was shaking and panting with his face against Quinn's neck.
Bert rolled off Quinn and rolled over Jeph, hitting Jeph in the face with his elbow as he went. He collapsed breathless and giggling on the other side of Jeph.
Quinn turned and leaned against Jeph. "Feel better?"
"I think we've really bonded," Bert said happily.
Jeph tried halfheartedly to push Quinn's sticky t-shirt off his side. "That's because we're covered in your semen." He wiped his hand off on the sheets. "Can we go record some demos now?"
"Now is the time for naps," Bert proclaimed.
"We'll record once we wake up," Quinn promised.
Jeph put one arm around each man beside him. "You fuckers are lucky I love you so much."
Quinn tucked his head under Jeph's arm and closed his eyes. "We know."
Bert kissed Jeph's cheek and lay down with his cheek against Jeph's chest. "We're really lucky," he whispered.
Author: valerie_z
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Bert/Quinn, Bert/Quinn/Jeph
Disclaimer: This is pretend.
Notes: Takes place after Brandon was kicked out of the band, before they started recording Lies for the Liars. All my bandslash is here. Thanks for reading it.
Bert and Quinn were lying naked and half-asleep in the sunlight as it streamed in through the open blinds and fell on Bert's bed. When Quinn's phone rang, he considered smashing it against the wall, but he really liked his phone. Also, last night Bert had thrown his phone in the toilet, so if Quinn smashed his, no one would be able to reach them. Which seemed like a good idea for a split second, since they'd been through so much recently and could use time to lay low. But Quinn had given his number to ten different drummers over the past week, and they really needed to start recording soon.
"Hello?" Quinn muttered.
"Are you asleep?" It was Jeph. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Noon?"
"Three," Jeph corrected. "What were you doing all night?"
Quinn vaguely remembered smoking weed, watching TV, pounding cans of beer, and marathon sex. "Writing songs," he said.
Jeph sighed. "Fine. Come over later, or don't come over, whatever."
"Okay." Quinn hung up the phone and rolled over on top of Bert.
"Monkey bagel," Bert said.
"What?"
Bert's eyes blinked open. "I had the weirdest dream. What time is it?"
"Noon," Quinn said. "Jepha's upset."
Bert put his arms around Quinn and rolled them both over so that they were on their sides. "Well, yeah," Bert said. "They were close."
Quinn rested his head against Bert's shoulder. "It's my fault."
"No fucking way, man," Bert said. "How about we go cheer up Jepha? I know exactly how."
"How?"
Bert smiled. "Big gay threesome."
Quinn rolled his eyes. "Sex doesn't solve everything."
"Yeah? Are you still mad at me from yesterday?"
Quinn frowned. "I don't remember why I was mad at you yesterday."
Bert tapped him on the chest. "And you know why? Because I sucked your brain out through your dick."
Quinn nodded. "You make an excellent point."
Bert licked Quinn's eye and then got out of bed. He started picking up pieces of clothing off the floor and sniffing them. When he came to a blue t-shirt he held it out to Quinn, who was still in bed.
"Does this smell like your balls?" Bert asked.
"You would really know better than me."
Bert shrugged, put on the blue t-shirt, and found a pair of shorts in one of the piles. He picked out clothes for Quinn and threw them on top of where he was hugging his pillow.
"Rise and shine, bitchface," Bert said. "We have a mission."
Quinn pushed the smelly t-shirt off his face. "I demand coffee and breakfast before I touch anyone's dick."
"Yes, princess," Bert said with a smirk, and he rushed off to the kitchen before Quinn's phone could connect with his head.
After a long breakfast consisting of toast, pancakes, chicken, green beans, and a few other things they found in the refrigerator, Quinn and Bert smoked a joint, drove to Jeph's house, and knocked on the door.
When Jeph opened the door, he was shirtless. Bert pushed him back, screamed, "Bedroom!" and the two of them tripped over each other as Bert guided them into the bedroom and Quinn quietly followed. Bert pushed Jeph onto the bed and curled up next to him. Quinn flopped down on the other side of him. They both put their hands on Jeph's bare torso.
That Jeph didn't find this odd at all showed how long he'd known both Bert and Quinn. "Did you record anything?" Jeph asked conversationally.
Bert bit the side of Jeph's face.
"Or are you just gonna play some shit for me?"
Bert slowly kissed down Jeph's neck, taking time to trace his tattoos with his tongue.
"Because if all we have is those three tracks," Jeph continued. "There's no point in going to John's next week."
It was only when Quinn sucked Jeph's ear into his mouth that Jeph began to look confused.
"What's happening?" Jeph asked.
Bert moved his mouth down the length of Jeph's torso and licked just under the waistband of Jeph's jeans, on his typewriter tattoo. "We're making you feel better," he said. "And we're re-connecting as a band." He bit down on Jeph's stomach once, hard, then looked up at him. "What are you into? You're into kinky shit, aren't you?"
Quinn released his ear with a small popping sound. "Want me to pee on you?" he offered.
Bert smiled. "He's really good at that."
"No! No peeing!" Jeph said. He pushed Bert off his stomach. "Look, I appreciate the...whatever you're doing. But what I'm really into is, oddly enough, being heterosexual."
Quinn waved one hand dismissively. "Over-rated."
Bert made a disapproving face. "Heterosexuality is so last year."
Quinn kissed Jeph's neck. "If you do it with two guys it's not gay anymore."
"It cancels each other out," Bert added. "Like negative numbers in fractions."
"You don't know shit about fractions," Jeph muttered.
Bert was up on his knees in an instant. "Take that back!"
Quinn sighed against Jeph's neck.
Bert leapt onto Jeph's body, simultaneously assaulting him with tickles and bites to his torso. Finally Jeph, more out of annoyance than pain, said, "Fine, fine, you are the master of fractions."
"Fuck yes I am!" Bert shrieked, and he shoved his hand in Jeph's pants.
"Ouch," Jeph said. He fought past Bert's hands so he could undo his pants and ease the pinching of his jeans. "Fine, whatever." He looked down at where Bert was tugging Jeph's dick out of his underwear and giving it some preliminary licks. "At least now I can go to the We Fucked Bert McCracken meetings." He tilted his head back and closed his eyes as Bert took him all the way into his mouth. "At Madison fucking Square Garden."
"Shush," Quinn said, and he pulled Jeph down for a kiss. They kissed easily, and Jeph was struck by the novelty of having a warm mouth on both his face and his dick, even if the one on his face was a good friend, and the one on his dick was, well, Bert.
Bert lifted himself off Jeph's dick, cleared his throat, spit on it liberally, and then grabbed it and jerked it a few times, hard.
"Not sexy!" Jeph called out.
"I am the sexiest motherfucker you know," Bert argued, but he went back to work with just his mouth.
"He's not bad at that," Jeph gasped against Quinn's lips.
"Yeah, you're welcome," Quinn muttered, and they went back to kissing.
It wasn't long before Jeph felt himself coming undone. He gripped Quinn's narrow shoulders, groaned into his neck, and reached down to tap Bert's head and warn him.
Bert lifted his head, releasing his mouth's warm grip, and said, "Oh, right, like I'm not gonna swallow for one of my closest -" He was cut off as Jeph came across his chin and neck.
"You motherfucker," Bert said. He leaned back against the heels of his feet. "I was gonna..." He ran his finger through the semen and put it into his mouth. "Oh, hey," Bert said. "You've been eating seafood."
Jeph did up his pants and collapsed against the pillows.
"Quinny," Bert sang out as he reached forward and groped for Quinn's zipper. "Do you only love me because I'm a huge slut for cock?"
"No, of course not," Quinn replied as he assisted Bert in getting his pants to his knees. "I love you for your soul." He moaned as Bert's mouth connected with his dick. "Your beautiful, slutty, cocksucking soul."
Bert punched Jeph in the calf.
"What the fuck?" Jeph said.
"I think you have to participate," Quinn said, pulling Jeph flush against him. "It's part of the healing process." He took his shirt off. "I like nipple stuff."
"Are you always a demanding bitch in bed?" Jeph asked.
"Yes," Bert said from Quinn's crotch.
Jeph dutifully started licking and sucking on Quinn's nipples, while Bert continued his work licking and sucking on Quinn's dick. Quinn sighed happily, putting one hand on Bert's head and one on Jeph's shoulder.
Jeph bored of Quinn's chest quickly and looked up at Quinn, resting his head on his folded hands. "Do you really not have anything to record?"
"I have tons of shit ready to go," Quinn assured him. "And Bert has like thirty pages of lyrics, though they get kind of...repetitive."
Jeph raised his eyebrows questioningly. Quinn mouthed Gerard, but it ended up being a hard name to mouth silently, since it just looked like he was growling, and Jeph said, "Huh?"
Quinn held up one finger. "Hold on a sec." He closed his eyes halfway, let out a small breath, and came in Bert's mouth.
"You've got this down to a science," Jeph noted.
Bert crawled up Quinn's body, smiling. "He's a very efficient young man." He ran his tongue over his teeth. "Who tastes like peanut butter." He leaned down and kissed Quinn.
"Hey, I do taste like peanut butter," Quinn said. He pulled Bert down on top of his body and kissed him deeply.
Jeph sat up. "I'm just gonna -"
Quinn reached up and grabbed him by the hair, pulling him back down to the bed.
"You don't need me," Jeph argued.
Bert separated himself from Quinn's lips and looked over at Jeph. "We're healing, Jepha." He waggled his fingers at him. "Heal with us."
Jeph sighed and folded his hands under his pillow. "I wonder if other bands have problems like this."
Beside him, Bert was trying to pull off his pants without falling off Quinn. "Do the thing," Bert said in a low voice.
"Oh, you mean? Yeah," Quinn replied.
Quinn spit on his hand and gripped Bert's dick, as Bert pressed his body down against Quinn's. He was giving Quinn barely any room to maneuver, but Quinn didn't seem to mind. They attacked each other's faces with an enthusiasm Jeph hadn't even seen in porn, much less real life, kissing each other manically and gripping hard at each other's shoulders. Bert pushed down against Quinn's hand with purposeful thrusts, and before long he was shaking and panting with his face against Quinn's neck.
Bert rolled off Quinn and rolled over Jeph, hitting Jeph in the face with his elbow as he went. He collapsed breathless and giggling on the other side of Jeph.
Quinn turned and leaned against Jeph. "Feel better?"
"I think we've really bonded," Bert said happily.
Jeph tried halfheartedly to push Quinn's sticky t-shirt off his side. "That's because we're covered in your semen." He wiped his hand off on the sheets. "Can we go record some demos now?"
"Now is the time for naps," Bert proclaimed.
"We'll record once we wake up," Quinn promised.
Jeph put one arm around each man beside him. "You fuckers are lucky I love you so much."
Quinn tucked his head under Jeph's arm and closed his eyes. "We know."
Bert kissed Jeph's cheek and lay down with his cheek against Jeph's chest. "We're really lucky," he whispered.