This Is Random And Stupid
Star Trek TOS, episode 38: The Apple
TRAILER
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: Monday. Carelessly hopping around unknown planet until redshirt gets killed by flower. This sucks. Spock is being a bitch. This sucks too. Stones explode when thrown and when redshirts step on them. Predictable FAIL.
Some guy thinks he’s a green and yellow ball of stone. He’s scared of Spock because I randomly punched him. Natives are pansies, but took Chekov as a role model, which fails. They should have taken me, to exactly the same result for them but more fun for me. Why the fuck did I run after Chekov and his random (female) love interest instead of following Spock and Bones into the bushes?
Natives like melons. Me too. But Chekov and his random (female) love interest don’t like the natives. Spock doesn’t like flowers - but it serves him well for cheating on me with Bones.
THE APPLE
LANDING PARTY: *beams down*
LANDING PARTY W/O KIRK & SPOCK: *looks at stuff*
KIRK: Let’s wait for Bones before we do anything.
REST OF LANDING PARTY: *beams down*
MCCOY: Yo! I bring more redshirts.
SPOCK: This planet is beautiful, fertile and has nice weather.
KIRK: I pointlessly challenge the accuracy of your sensor readings.
SPOCK: The sensor readings say this planet is beautiful, fertile and has nice weather.
PLANET: *is beautiful*
SOIL: *is fertile*
WEATHER: *is nice*
MCCOY: Obviously we will need the extra redshirts.
CHEKOV: The Garden of Eden is now Russian. *picks flowers*
MCCOY: I brought a red shirt for you, Ensign. Please wear it.
GARDEN OF EDEN: *is well gardened*
KIRK: There is a village. We want to go there. Wisely, we beamed into the middle of nowhere 17 kilometres away. I am a brilliant leader.
LANDING PARTY: *walks*
REDSHIRT #1: Oh, look! Moving flower!
FLOWER: *shoots him*
REDSHIRT #1: *dies* (Exactly 2 minutes into the episode!)
MCCOY: He’s dead, Jim!
FLOWER: *smokes*
KIRK: *looks closely at smoking evil flower* *is dramatic*
(OPENING CREDITS)
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Routine mission on pretty but evil planet. Predictably, someone died. I’m recording my diary while Chekov is randomly holding hands with the obligatory female redshirt, Spock is behind a bush with Bones and I’m standing over a dead body. Beam him up, Scotty!
SCOTT: *has conn* Aye Sir. By the way, we have a problem with the engines and might burn up in the atmosphere. Just thought I’d mention it in passing.
KIRK: Never mind that now, Scotty, we’re dealing with evil flowers here!
SCOTT: I would like some flowers, Captain, and grass and trees.
KIRK: No, Scotty, you are wearing red, and we still need you. It’s too dangerous for you here. Stay up on the exploding ship!
SCOTT: *still wants flowers and grass*
GRASS: *is nowhere to be seen*
KIRK: *picks flower and pushes his face inside*
SPOCK: Jim, this planet is vibrating.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: Redshirts, go run through the jungle without purpose and try not to make contact with flowers or any other kind of potentially dangerous plants. Then go to the village and try not to make contact with people. We in non-lethal colours will follow you when we feel safe to do so.
REDSHIRT #2: *does not think this plan is stupid*
KIRK: *does not think this plan is stupid either*
SPOCK: Behold! We are being observed by a humanoid! *whispers*
REDSHIRT #3: *is sleeping in background* *hears SPOCK whisper*
KIRK & REDSHIRT #3: *go humanoid hunting*
CHEKOV: *did not hear SPOCK whisper* *no clue what’s going on*
FEMALE REDSKIRT: This planet sucks and kills people. I worry, because I’m wearing red.
CHEKOV: I like this planet because it gives me a chance to grope you. *gropes*
KIRK & REDSHIRT #3: *fail* *return*
KIRK: Chekov, stop stealing my lines! Go pick some badass flowers for Sulu.
SULU: *is not in this episode*
MCCOY: This mission sucks.
KIRK: Because we are being watched and the place is dangerous, we will now move in formation.
FORMATION: *means REDSHIRT #3 is leading the way and everyone else runs after him*
SPOCK: Look, a stone! *plays with stone* *throws stone away*
STONE: *explodes*
KIRK: You fail, Spock.
SPOCK: These stones could be fun! *is secretly emo*
17 KILOMETERS OF WILDERNESS: *all look exactly the same*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SCOTT: Captain, I cannot repair the damage, but at least I know what’s caused it. Source of problem happens to be exactly where you are heading.
SPOCK: The ship’s trouble might be related to planet’s vibration.
KIRK: *is on vibrator planet*
ENTERPRISE: *is jealous* *tries to commit suicide to prove a point*
MCCOY: *playing with scanner* These flowers are deadly.
GHOST OF REDSHIRT #1: No shit!
FLOWER: *is attacking*
SPOCK: Jim! *saves KIRK* *accidentally also saves MCCOY*
KIRK & MCCOY: *disappear behind bush together*
SPOCK: *shocked* This didn’t go according to plan. *falls over*
CHEKOV: LOL, Mr. Spock looks funny when he’s hurt.
KIRK: Oh noes, Spock is dying! Everyone, run into the deadly wilderness to fight off any plants that happen to be marching against us. Scotty, beam up me and Spock and the other important people.
SPOCK: *is staring up at REDSHIRT #3’s crotch*
MCCOY: *is standing as far away as possible from his patient*
SCOTT: Cannot beam you. I fail.
RANDOM FLY: *is not beamed up*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
KIRK: *is emo*
SCOTT: I have no idea what’s going on. Scott out.
SPOCK: *lives*
MCCOY: Don’t worry, Jim, this poison is only deadly for redshirts.
KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY & CHEKOV: *are happy*
KIRK: You fail, Spock. This wouldn’t have killed me. Also, I’m the captain and more badass than a random flower.
SPOCK: I shall not try to heroically sacrifice myself for you again. *lies*
KIRK: Heroic sacrifices suck if they are not done by me.
SPOCK: *knows his worth in money* *does not mind MCCOY touching him*
WEATHER: *gets cloudy*
SKY: *is red*
SKY BEHIND CLOUDS: *is blue*
LIGHTNING: *strikes*
REDSHIRT #3: *dies* (12:26 minutes in)
KIRK: Let’s run to where the lightning can’t find us!
MCCOY: *runs into bushes*
FEMALE REDSKIRT: *runs down random path*
KIRK & CHEKOV: *run after FEMALE REDSKIRT*
SPOCK: *runs after MCCOY*
KIRK: We’ve been hiding in the bushes for two seconds. Let’s go back, it must be safe now!
CLOUDS: Goodbye!
SPOCK & MCCOY: *emerge from bushes together*
KIRK: The paradise is a lie!
REDSHIRT #2: This green bush is a great place to hide in! I’ll call the Captain and tell him that the village is in fact a village.
CONTACT: *is breaking up*
KIRK: Our communicators suck. The transporter sucks. Now we’re cut off from everyone.
SPOCK: That is true, as long as you keep refraining from walking a few metres in that direction and talk to the redshirt in person.
KIRK: I have an idea. We could walk over there and talk to the redshirt in person! *runs*
SPOCK: *runs*
MCCOY: *runs*
FEMALE REDSKIRT: *jogs*
CHEKOV: *walks* Guys, there’s a queue here!
REDSHIRT #2: I’ll meet you halfway by randomly running blindly through the wilderness full of explosive stones, just as learned in security school!
STONE: *explodes*
REDSHIRT #2: *becomes DEADSHIRT #3* (14:23 minutes in)
KIRK: Oops. I knew his dad.
MCCOY: As a babysitter, you suck.
KIRK: True. Maybe I should have sent everyone home once the first guy died. I’m allowed to abort missions if they kill my men and endanger my ship, after all.
MCCOY: *agrees*
KIRK: But on the other hand, this is such a nice place for a walk!
SPOCK: With all due respect, Captain, the redshirts knew what they were getting into when they dressed this morning.
LAST REMAINING MALE REDSHIRT: *did not know what he was getting into* *worries*
SPOCK: Behold, Comrades! We are being watched again.
KIRK: Okay, let’s be sneaky.
KIRK & LAST REMAINING MALE REDSHIRT: *sneak off*
SPOCK: Chekov, you fail!
CHEKOV: Do not!
SPOCK: Do too!
CHEKOV: Do not!
SPOCK: Do too!
CHEKOV: Do not! Let’s fight, I want to grope you.
GUY IN BUSH: These strange intruders that unexpectedly came to our perfectly peaceful and harmless world are stupid. *goes away*
KIRK: Got you! *punches him* Wait, why are you crying?
GUY: I don’t know. Maybe because I was just taking a walk and you suddenly jumped out of the bush and punched me in the face, you asshole! Worse, you used your hand to do it.
KIRK: This doesn’t make me look good. I won’t do it again.
GUY: I am the eyes of Vaal. Therefore I run through the jungle. I am also the ears of Vaal. Therefore I have antennae stuck in my head.
KIRK: Who’s Vaal?
EYES OF VAAL: Vaal is everything, everywhere and everyone.
VAAL: *never actually appears in this episode*
KIRK: My friends won’t hurt you - ignore the fact that I punched you for no reason and they are pointing weapons at you.
REMAINING LANDING PARTY: *points weapons*
KIRK: We come in peace.
EYES OF VAAL: In that case, let me show you to my happy, peaceful village were everyone has the same stupid haircut.
SCOTT: Don’t mean to interrupt your moment of violating the prime directive, but the Enterprise will crash and burn in 16 hours. It might help if some of us engineers were actually working in engineering, but I have the conn and everyone else is on the bridge as well, so we can see what they are doing.
KIRK: Scotty, if you dare to kill my ship and die in the process, you are so fired!
SCOTT: Okay.
KIRK: That’s it. I want to speak to Vaal!
EYES OF VAAL: Fine, but he will not answer. He only speaks to me. I pwn you.
KIRK: No way! Vaal has not yet encountered the power of my awesome!
-
EYES OF VAAL: There you go - Vaal!
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: LOL. This is a doorway.
KIRK: *is not impressed with doorway in shape of reptile without nostrils*
SPOCK: *runs against force field*
KIRK: Spock, you ran against a force field!
SPOCK: I ran against a force field. But I am quite fine.
MCCOY: Oh well, let him diagnose himself. I don’t give a damn.
SPOCK: This force field hurt my butt. *rubs butt*
EYES OF VAAL: Vaal will see you when he’s hungry. Until then, let me feed you and fatten you up.
LANDING PARTY: *thinks this is a good idea*
-
FEMALE REDSKIRT: Oh, pretty native lady! Let me check you out.
KIRK: I see no children. You have good birth control.
EYES OF VAAL: We don’t need birth control. We don’t have sex.
MCCOY: I liked your planet much better before you said that.
CHEKOV: *would like to demonstrate sex to these people*
PEOPLE OF VAAL WHO HAVE NEVER BEFORE SEEN ANYONE NOT FROM THEIR VILLAGE: *happily greet newcomers with no surprise or curiosity at all*
SPOCK: These flowers make me feel stupid. *is secretly emo*
PEOPLE OF VAAL: Spock is a silly name. LOL.
EYES OF VAAL: Come and move into this house that just happens not to be in use at the moment.
CHEKOV: *is confused* *didn’t have sex yet*
KIRK: *didn’t have sex either* *calls SCOTT* Scotty, we need to leave. Try everything you can to save my ship!
SCOTT: Thank you for this order, Sir, because I was completely unable to do so before you told me. *has unhealthy obsession with flies*
MCCOY: These people don’t grow old.
KIRK: Spock?
SPOCK: This makes sense.
KIRK: I’m getting philosophical over this.
CHEKOV: I’ll eat this food without testing it. After all, it doesn’t kill the people here, and they look like humans, so they have to be exactly the same as us.
VAAL: *is hungry*
KIRK: Everyone stay here, while I take Spock and hide behind the bush to see how Vaal is eating, even though no one ever told us not to go there so there is no reason to hide.
PEOPLE PF VAAL: *feed Vaal*
SPOCK: Fascinating. Vaal is a machine. I like him better now.
KIRK: Let’s go talk to it, then!
VAAL: Denied!
KIRK: Communicating with it is difficult. I cannot hear it over the sound of how awesome I am.
SPOCK: It’s not talking to you. It appears to be smart.
VAAL THE MACHINE: *needs to eat*
16 HOURS BEFORE ENTERPRISE DEATH: *have become 10 hours*
KIRK: I shall use technobabble to make it seem like I had a brilliant plan that will save the Enterprise when Vaal is hungry.
MCCOY: *sneaks through bushes* This society is useless. These people need to get a life.
SPOCK: I disagree with you based on the fact that these people are happy and healthy.
MCCOY: I disagree with you based on the fact that these people are slaves to a machine that gives them a long, safe life and forbids them to do anything with it.
KIRK: I disagree with you on the choice of time for this discussion.
SCOTT: So do I. I have the results of readings Spock requested in a non-existent moment off screen. We can try to save the ship in nine hours.
KIRK: That’s perfect! Let’s go eat something.
-
FEMALE REDSKIRT: I’m worried, because the Enterprise will break up in the atmosphere.
KIRK: Shut up and eat. She isn’t your ship and therefore not your problem.
GROUP: *eats*
KIRK: *thinks it’s funny that these people need to have sex if someone falls off a cliff*
MCCOY: Jim, how can it be that I am a doctor, you are a sex addict, Chekov is your apprentice and Spock is logical, and still neither of us is able to talk about the act of reproduction even in a strictly professional context?
FEMALE REDSKIRT: How is it done?
KIRK: Spock, let’s demonstrate!
SPOCK: Unnecessary. Vaal, the machine, will give instructions.
MCCOY: Read the fucking manual! *has fun*
VAAL: * is pissed*
CHEKOV & FEMALE REDSKIRT: *meet in garden*
FEMALE REDSKIRT: I like it here, but am troubled by impending loss of ship and death of her crew.
CHEKOV: Who the fuck cares about the bloody ship? Let’s get some action already. I’ll show you how it’s done!
TWO PEOPLE OF VAAL: *stalk them*
FEMALE REDSKIRT: Oh, Pav!
CHEKOV: As long as we are together, would it really be so bad if we lost the ship?
CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE: Hell, yes!
FEMALE REDSKIRT: *is never seen again after this episode*
TWO PEOPLE OF VAAL: *watch them make out* Let’s try that! It looks like fun, even though Vaal doesn’t get anything out of it. *share absolutely perfect, non-awkward first kiss of their species in ten thousand years*
VAAL: *is pissed*
EYES OF VAAL: *also pissed* Do not copy the strangers. They are bad and must be removed. Let’s all meet in secret, at night, so I can explain to you what killing is and give you instructions on how to do it.
MELON: *is used for demonstrating purposes*
EYES OF VAAL: Killing is like sleeping or eating. It is done by combining the head of a stranger with a heavy stick.
MELON: *is smashed*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
MELON: *is dramatic*
-
KIRK: *is sleepless with SPOCK* Bones is right. These people need a sex life!
SPOCK: Not fair. You are supposed to side with me, not him. *is secretly emo*
MCCOY: *sleeps*
KIRK: The prime directive only applies to robots.
SPOCK: …. Starfleet Command might disagree. *leaves*
SCOTT: Ship still on optimistic road to hell, Sir!
10 HOURS TO DESTRUCTION: *have become 45 minutes*
KIRK & SCOTT: This is fun!
SPOCK: Everyone, arise! The people of Vaal have left the building!
EVERYONE: *leaves after SPOCK*
MCCOY, CHEKOV, FEMALE REDSKIRT & LAST REMAINING MALE REDSHIRT: *get lost along the way, or decide they don’t want to come after all, or turn back and go home or whatever*
SPOCK & KIRK: *arrive at VAAL’S entrance*
KIRK: Funny. He’s still not talking to us.
SPOCK: But he does appear to be pissed.
CLOUDS: *gather in front of inexplicable blue daytime sky*
LIGHTNING: *strikes*
SPOCK: This is not my lucky day. *smokes*
KIRK: *carries him off* Bones!
MCCOY: What the fuck, Spock? Really now?
SPOCK: This is painful.
MCCOY: Well, you deserve it. This is getting ridiculous.
LAST REMAINING MALE REDSHIRT: *comes running*
PEOPLE OF VAAL: *smash in his head* (39:13 minutes in)
MCCOY: *runs to LAST REMAINING MALE REDSHIRT*
EVERYONE ELSE: *fight and defeat PEOPLE OF VAAL in about five seconds*
MCCOY: We’re out of redshirts, Jim!
KIRK: Put these people into one of these houses without doors to lock and hope they don’t resist, because they outnumber us and we don’t have weapons.
PEOPLE OF VAAL: *do not resist*
MCCOY: Day we’ve been having, it’s a fucking miracle they missed the chance to injure Spock.
SPOCK: Congratulations. You managed to teach them human values. *is secretly emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SCOTT: With 12 minutes to go, we discovered that your plan failed, which resulted in a considerable shaking of the bridge crew. I hereby consider myself fired.
KIRK: You are. Get out of my life.
CHEKOV & REDSKIRT: *don’t really care*
KIRK: My following orders and ignoring warning signs made this happen. I don’t like it.
MCCOY: Maybe you should have taken time for this moment of doubt before you killed your crew.
PEOPLE OF VAAL: Let us go feed our computer!
CHEKOV: Not today. Killing starship means no dessert for him!
KIRK: I are genius! Spock, come with me and try not to get hurt in the process. Bones, you who can Do No Harm, stay here and stop these people from feeding Vaal by any means necessary!
KIRK & SPOCK: *run to VAAL’S entrance*
KIRK: Scotty, fire at the force field.
SCOTT: That won’t help.
KIRK: I know. Do it anyway. Spock, let us take a few minutes off to explain my brilliant plan.
PLAN: *does not stand close observation but will work anyway*
ENTERPRISE: *fires phasers*
KIRK & SPOCK: *hide behind tree*
WEATHER: *gets bad*
PLAN: *works*
VAAL: *dies*
KIRK: Since I unexpectedly have further use for you now my ship will not be lost, you can have your job back, Scotty.
SCOTT: Already rehired myself, but thanks anyway.
-
GUY FORMERLY KNOWN AS EYES OF VAAL: Great. Now we have freedom. We can get our own food, build our own houses, make our own children, all of which are things we haven’t done in several millennia and know nothing about. We will have to deal with birth and death, make our own clothes, deal with uncontrolled weather and form a working society. Also, we received a lesson on physical love from a guy who can’t say the word ‘sex’ in public.
KIRK: Exactly. You’ll have fun. We’ll be leaving you to it then.
LANDING PARTY: *beams up*
FORMER PEOPLE OF VAAL: …. Lol?
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SPOCK & MCCOY: *argue*
SPOCK: Our solution failed. These people have no chance of survival. But even if they do, which I will assume for the sake of the audience, they will never be as happy as they were before.
KIRK: So what? This episode is over, which means the fate of these people whose working, if not necessarily healthy and living society we have taken from them without offering anything in return is not, in any way, our problem. Bones, lets make fun of Spock instead.
KIRK & MCCOY: *make fun of Spock*
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
(END CREDITS)