The Simple Answer
Rating: PG
Prompt: #092 - Run
Claim: The Time War
Table: Here
Spoilers: season 3 finale
Warnings: mention of rape
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Doctor (10) (Rickston Slade/Doctor mentioned)
Summary: Sequel to Ten Hours. Jack and the Doctor have some things to discuss.
Jack came awake with a start. Bolting upright he looked around wildly, feeling disoriented and confused as he always did when he came back to life. And as always he needed a few seconds to remember what had killed him.
“Fuck!” he cursed. The one part of his brain that was not occupied with worry and murderous thoughts noted that he was sitting on the couch in the control room, and that he was alone.
The TARDIS was in flight. There would be no point in running to the doors since there was no-one out there to suffer his wrath. Jack could only have been dead for a few minutes but it had apparently been long enough for the Doctor to carry him inside, leave the planet and disappear out of sight. There was little hope that he had taken the time to kill that smug bastard as well. It was the Doctor, after all.
Jack felt decidedly less peaceful. He’d spend all night on that party, and had enjoyed himself quite a lot, with a few drinks and some of the other guests. The Doctor had left to take care of the prisoners they had come to free and the part he had to play inside the mansion had left Jack enough free time to have a little fun. When it was over he’d hacked into the military network and discovered that most of the prisoners had already been set free. And he’d taken it as a sign that the Doctor’s plan was working, had finished his last drink and returned to the TARDIS to wait for his friend.
When the Doctor didn’t show up at the appointed time Jack had been slightly annoyed. When he still wasn’t there an hour later he’d begun to worry, checked the network again to see if he’d been arrested. When two hours later Jack finally saw him nearing the TARDIS on the screen he’d been annoyed again, with the only Time Lord ever who was totally incapable of keeping time. He’d made him worry, after all. Jack felt he had a right to be annoyed.
Then he’d opened the door and the sight of his friend, life-sized and real, had been like a punch in the gut. He had seen the smile on that wealthy asshole’s face and known that instant what it meant.
It meant someone had to die.
Unfortunately that someone had been him. Jack called for the Doctor when he left the couch, got no answer. He cursed again, loud and thoroughly. His anger needed an outlet, but most of all he was concerned for his friend.
And felt more than a little guilty. He’d had fun while at the same time the Doctor had gone through hell, only a few metres away from him. He could have helped him, had only he known. He should have helped him. Should never have let him leave alone, should have protected him, fuck, he should have noticed!
This was the point where the Doctor would tell him that he could very well care for himself. On days like this it was hard to believe.
Slade was a very wealthy man. He had a lot of influence in the government. He had his fun with the Doctor and all the prisoners got released. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had been going on.
Despite his worry for his friend Jack felt like punching him.
Now he had time to reflect on it he realised that maybe he had misinterpreted what he’d seen. Maybe Slade had only beaten the Doctor up, for whatever reason - something he’d still deserve to die for. But Jack remembered the smug grin on his face and couldn’t bring himself to even consider the possibility.
The bastard had raped the Time Lord, and shown off with it! It made him proud! He’d probably jerk off to the memory of his crime for the next couple of decades.
Running through the corridors Jack called for the Doctor again and again, growing increasingly worried when there was no answer. After a while he came back to the control room though he was sure he’d taken the path leading to the Doctor’s rooms. He tried again, this time paying attention to where he was going. Again he ended where he’d started. The message was clear: If the TARDIS made him run in circles it meant the Doctor didn’t want to be found.
The ship responded to her pilot’s wishes in everything but navigation. The Doctor only had to feel the need to be alone and she would stop everyone from getting to him. Jack suspected that it wasn’t even a conscious decision on the Time Lord’s part.
The TARDIS would do anything for him, may it be because of her programming or because she chose to. On times like this, though, Jack wished she was a little more reasonable. If she really wanted to protect her Doctor she should know that right now he needed someone to care for him.
He told her so and had little hope she would listen. Tried other corridors and got lost. His anger lessened and the worry fully took over. The moment he’d come back to life seemed hours ago and he’d lost all orientation when suddenly a door opened a few metres away and the Doctor stepped into the corridor, dressed in a clean suit, his hair wet and unruly. He smelled vaguely like shampoo. When Jack called his name and walked to him with long strides he looked up with an expression of mild surprise and the human just didn’t get how he could behave like nothing was wrong when his face was white as a sheet beneath bruises and scratches.
He flinched when Jack reached for him, looked embarrassed one second later. Held still when Jack grabbed his arms, but the touch seemed to cause him pain.
“You’re hurt,” Jack said, the useless statement reflecting his helplessness. As expected the Doctor waved it off and Jack wanted to kick him.
“It’s nothing,” the Time Lord told him. Didn’t that guy get that playing it down wasn’t helping anyone?
“The fuck it is!” Jack cursed. “What exactly has he done to you?”
“I’m not going to discuss with you what I do when you’re not around!” The Doctor sounded annoyed, taking a step back. He wanted to drop this topic and never mention it again, Jack could tell. He wouldn’t let him. This was too serious.
“I’ll kill him,” the human stated, and meant it. The Doctor’s anger didn’t surprise him.
“Stop it, Jack, that’s not funny!”
“It wasn’t meant to be. He raped you, didn’t he? Do you expect me to let him get away with that?”
“It wasn’t like that! We had a deal. I agreed to it. There’s nothing to get agitated about!”
“A deal,” echoed Jack.
“He kept his part of the bargain,” the Doctor said defensively.
Jack ignored his words. “You made a deal with him.” He’d already had it figured out, yet hearing it from the Doctor only fuelled his anger. Hell, how could that man be so stupid? “Let me guess: he promised to free the prisoners if you gave him your body.”
“And he did,” the other nodded, angry and frustrated as if unable to see the problem. Knowing the Doctor he probably was.
“How can you be so calm about it?” Jack suddenly yelled. “Since when do you let people get away with rape? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me!” the Doctor snapped back. “It wasn’t rape. I allowed him to!”
“I know you. You’d never do that on your own free will. That makes it rape!”
“Drop it, Jack! That’s none of your business.”
“Of course it is!” Jack stepped forward, trapped the Doctor between him and the wall. Standing close enough to feel the man tremble. “Because I care for you! Or are you trying to tell me that if someone abused a friend of yours you wouldn’t mind?” At the end he was almost screaming.
“Of course I would! This is different! I know what I’m doing!”
“Oh, I forgot how vastly superior you are to us mere humans! You’re the only one how can decide what’s right and what’s wrong.” He reached for the Doctor’s shoulders, wanting to shake some sense into him, but the Time Lord slipped out of his grip, took a few steps back, stumbled and nearly fell.
“I had the chance to assure their survival,” he said, aiming for a more reasonable tone. “Do you want to tell me my wellbeing is more important than a thousand people’s lives?”
Jack bit his lips before he could give an answer the Doctor would not approve of. He followed the Time Lord when he walked away, trying to find the right words.
“Imagine someone had blackmailed me into sex, or Rose, or Martha,” he began, “wouldn’t you have wanted to avenge us?”
“That’s not the same,” the Doctor said uncomfortably. They’d arrived in the console room much faster than should have been possible after all the time Jack had wandered through the TARDIS. Still he noticed that the Doctor’s steps were lacking energy. He needed rest and Jack wanted to tell him so, but was not yet willing to let the discussion stray away from its topic.
“Yes,” he said firmly. “It is.”
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, a gesture of frustration, though Jack could see the weariness in his movements.
“He arranged for a thousand men, women and children to be set free,” the Time Lord pointed out. “I’m pretty certain he doesn’t deserve to die for that.”
“He could have saved them anytime and didn’t. He took advantage of the situation. I’m pretty certain he does.”
The Doctor opened his mouth to say something, stopped when Jack lifted a hand to silence him, then let his fingers trail lightly over the long red mark running over the other’s face. He wanted to take him to the infirmary, check him over. See what other damage that fucker had caused.
“You’re my friend, Doc, and it’s my right to protect those I care about. You’re not going to take that from me.”
The Doctor swallowed dryly, his eyes wide.
“You really mean it, don’t you? You want to kill him.”
“Oh yes, I do.” Jack nodded, calm and serious, and not caring that admitting this was probably a bad idea. “I know you wouldn’t want that but I won’t let anyone get away with hurting you. If we ever meet him again he’s dead. You can’t stop me.”
He expected the Doctor to get angry, was not prepared for his cry of frustration.
“Why are you doing this to me, you stupid idiot?” He got away from Jack, turned to the console, slammed his hands onto it in a gesture that looked strangely helpless. Then he stet coordinates, pulled a lever. “You can’t stay.”
“What?” Maybe Jack should have seen this coming. He hadn’t. “Why?”
“I don’t travel with killers.” There was no force behind the Doctor’s words, just empty desperation. “Don’t you see, Jack? We’ve made a deal! I might be forced to do something like that again one day, with anyone. That’s impossible if it becomes known that my travelling companion murders everyone he doesn’t like, even if they kept their promises.”
His words made sense, but so did Jack’s. When the human reached for him the Doctor stumbled away, his decision made.
“We’re there,” he mumbled, made his way over to the exit. “Go get your stuff.”
He pulled open the doors and revealed a landscape that had little in common with Cardiff. Jack could see a meadow bathed in sunshine, a few scattered trees, heard the singing of birds. The Doctor stared at it for a moment, motionless and without a word, before he sank to his knees. Jack watched his quivering back as he hung his head in defeat. One second later he heaved and threw up.
When Jack knelt down beside him he was crying. The human waited until his dry retching had stopped, then pulled him into his arms, rubbed his back, kissed the top of his head and felt ridiculously grateful for the TARDIS. Maybe she wasn’t as unreasonable as he’d thought her to be.
Or maybe she’d missed the right location by accident. Jack kicked that idea into another dimension the moment something inside the engine exploded and he just knew they’d be stuck here for a while. On a warm, peaceful world where he had a lot of time to convince the Doctor that letting him go would be stupid.
When he was carrying the Time Lord back to his room after he had all but passed out in his arms, Jack thought that maybe everything would be alright after all.
-
“Leave me alone.”
Jack sighed and didn’t bother with an answer to that, wordlessly wiping the sweat off the Doctor’s forehead. He’d taken him to bed after his friend had collapsed the day before, had undressed him and taken care of the injuries he found. Apparently Slade liked it rough. Jack would gladly put him on the receiving end of something very rough and positively lethal, now even more than before. But he knew he’d have to let go of that idea if he wanted to stay with the Doctor, and if nothing else the entire incident proved that the Doctor very badly needed someone to stay with him.
He was down with fever and exhaustion and probably not even aware of what was going on around him. So Jack was rather surprised when suddenly thin fingers wrapped around his wrist and the Doctor looked at him through clouded eyes.
“I mean it, Jack,” he said, his voice rough and weak. “You have to go.”
“Go where?” Jack wanted to know. “Outside, so I can play with the local wildlife?”
The Time Lord ignored his words.
“You shouldn’t stay. There’s no point.”
“The point is that I love travelling with you, and I’m not going to leave you ever again, not when you need me.”
“I did,” the Doctor rasped and Jack froze, suddenly feeling very uneasy. “There are people who need you more than I do,” his friend went on. “You shouldn’t be stuck with me, I don’t deserve it. What have I ever done for you?” He closed his eyes, turning his head away, then back. His movements seemed restless, and then he arched his back and coughed. “I knew,” he whispered, blinking tears from his eyes. His fever left him helpless to his emotions, opening doors that kept everything away on any other day and forced a honesty on the Doctor Jack wasn’t sure he wanted. “I knew you were stuck on Earth, all the time. I could have come to you. Explained what was wrong with you. But I didn’t. I always told myself I would, one day. I have a time machine, could have gone to any point in your time line and helped you, but I never found the courage.”
“Why not?” Jack asked with a softness he didn’t feel. He’d thought he was over this but right now he wasn’t sure. Too many years they had pretended it had never happened.
“I’m selfish,” was the simple answer. “I was afraid you’d hate me and knew you were right to, and I couldn’t face that. So I ran. Always. When Rose changed you at the game station I knew that was my fault too. I knew you’d be cursed to live forever and I just couldn’t tell you! We couldn’t have taken you with us, not with me regenerating and the TARDIS not accepting you. So I ran from you, and it was easy! Always leaving before it hurts too much. Always running. Even before the war.” The Doctor’s words were slurred. They wouldn’t be having this conversation if he’d been fine. “I do nothing but destroying peoples lives, never stopping long enough to look back. I’m sorry, Jack! You had no idea what was wrong with you and I never came to tell you. Had there been a way to reverse it I would have found you, but there wasn’t and I couldn’t bear telling you. Too much of a coward to take responsibility for my actions.”
Another coughing fit. Jack just sat there, staring down at him, and at some point he noticed that his hands were shaking. He’d avoided thinking about this for years, and hearing it from the Doctor, hearing him actually admit it hurt. It brought the old anger back, the memories of countless nights he’d lain awake trying to hate him, the feelings battling against the knowledge that this man had less than two days ago sacrificed himself for a handful of strangers.
“Can’t stop running,” the Doctor mumbled without opening his eyes and something told Jack these words were not meant for him. “If I stop I’ll be back there.”
Then, suddenly, he looked at Jack, tears and sweat running down his face.
“I left you behind when you needed me. You have no obligations here. Go home!”
For a moment the human was unable to speak. Then he stood, and despite his conflicting emotions the harshness in his own voice surprised him when he said:
“I’m not you.”
There was hurt in the Doctor’s eyes but also acceptance. Jack didn’t give him a chance to react in any way, just turned on the spot and walked away, feeling both guilt and satisfaction.
-
Jack didn’t smoke, hadn’t for a very long time, but right now he wished for a cigarette, just to give his hands something to do. His head was full of thoughts he didn’t want to think.
He’d known the Doctor was unable to deal with his own emotions, handled them by running away. He suspected that the Time Lord had been running ever since the war, always moving so the guilt could never catch up with him. During his long life Jack had done a lot of things he wasn’t proud of but he couldn’t even begin to fathom what it meant to be responsible for the extinction of his own species. Often he’d pictured Earth in his mind and imagined blowing it up, but never had he been able to really get a grasp of what the Doctor was going through. Usually all he felt at the thought was sympathy and sadness for his friend, and now, as much as he hated it, it was still the same.
He left the TARDIS and found the surroundings beautiful, peaceful and devoid of anything offering distraction. Coming back inside he considered trying to fix whatever was broken this time, then tried to, only to throw his tool away with a curse two minutes later.
He stared at nothing for a very long time before he came to a conclusion. There was something he had to say and the Doctor very well deserved to hear it.
-
While he’d been almost storming down the corridor at first his steps became slower and slower the nearer he got to the Doctor’s room. When he stepped inside he moved quietly, almost hesitating. The Doctor was lying where he left him, pale and sick and miserable and Jack didn’t want to feel this concern, this pity, this wish to protect him.
“Listen,” he began, keeping his voice even, controlled. “You’re probably right - you deserve my hate. You left me for more than a hundred years, and it has been hell. I’ve died over and over again, suffered so much. The worst part was realising that it would never stop, that I would never, ever truly die. No.” He shook his head, correcting himself. “The worst part was the moment you left me. The knowledge that you had abandoned me. I loved you, you bastard! I’ve changed for you, you have no idea how much, became a better person, died for you, and you just left me behind without a word. For more than a century I have wondered if I’d done something wrong or if you’d simply forgotten me. I tried to hate, I wanted to hate you for what you did to me!” Slowly walking over to the bed he took a deep breath. “But I never could,” he confessed. “Every time I ended up making excuses for you, finding reasons that explained you actions. You’re not the only one who has a history of running - I know how it feels, what drives you. Of course I was still angry. Then I joined Torchwood and found out about them declaring you their enemy. And all I wanted was to keep them away from you. I think that’s the moment I accepted that I still loved you. I’ve carried that anger around for more years than I should have lived, but the moment I saw you again all I felt was joy. When you finally told me what was wrong with me, why you left it was so embarrassingly easy to forgive you. I wanted to forgive you, had wanted to for so long. After the Master I left you because I was angry with myself. Because…” Jack stopped. Swallowed. “Because I love you and that means so much more than anything you could ever do to me. I’d forgive you, no matter what you did. Would do anything for you, even deny myself killing that asshole. Don’t you know that? You’re everything to me, Doc. Everything! I don’t mean this life, travelling the universe and all, I’ve had that before. I mean you. That’s why I didn’t let you push me away at the end of the universe and that’s why I won’t let you push me away now. You’re stuck with me. See it as your punishment if you have a problem with that.”
There was no response. Jack sighed quietly and bent down to kiss the Doctor’s lashes, tasting salt. Then he sat down on his chair again and resumed his silent watch.
One day he’d have to repeat this little speech when the Doctor was actually awake to hear it.
Just to let him know he was loved.
February 4, 2008
Prompt: #092 - Run
Claim: The Time War
Table: Here
Spoilers: season 3 finale
Warnings: mention of rape
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Doctor (10) (Rickston Slade/Doctor mentioned)
Summary: Sequel to Ten Hours. Jack and the Doctor have some things to discuss.
Jack came awake with a start. Bolting upright he looked around wildly, feeling disoriented and confused as he always did when he came back to life. And as always he needed a few seconds to remember what had killed him.
“Fuck!” he cursed. The one part of his brain that was not occupied with worry and murderous thoughts noted that he was sitting on the couch in the control room, and that he was alone.
The TARDIS was in flight. There would be no point in running to the doors since there was no-one out there to suffer his wrath. Jack could only have been dead for a few minutes but it had apparently been long enough for the Doctor to carry him inside, leave the planet and disappear out of sight. There was little hope that he had taken the time to kill that smug bastard as well. It was the Doctor, after all.
Jack felt decidedly less peaceful. He’d spend all night on that party, and had enjoyed himself quite a lot, with a few drinks and some of the other guests. The Doctor had left to take care of the prisoners they had come to free and the part he had to play inside the mansion had left Jack enough free time to have a little fun. When it was over he’d hacked into the military network and discovered that most of the prisoners had already been set free. And he’d taken it as a sign that the Doctor’s plan was working, had finished his last drink and returned to the TARDIS to wait for his friend.
When the Doctor didn’t show up at the appointed time Jack had been slightly annoyed. When he still wasn’t there an hour later he’d begun to worry, checked the network again to see if he’d been arrested. When two hours later Jack finally saw him nearing the TARDIS on the screen he’d been annoyed again, with the only Time Lord ever who was totally incapable of keeping time. He’d made him worry, after all. Jack felt he had a right to be annoyed.
Then he’d opened the door and the sight of his friend, life-sized and real, had been like a punch in the gut. He had seen the smile on that wealthy asshole’s face and known that instant what it meant.
It meant someone had to die.
Unfortunately that someone had been him. Jack called for the Doctor when he left the couch, got no answer. He cursed again, loud and thoroughly. His anger needed an outlet, but most of all he was concerned for his friend.
And felt more than a little guilty. He’d had fun while at the same time the Doctor had gone through hell, only a few metres away from him. He could have helped him, had only he known. He should have helped him. Should never have let him leave alone, should have protected him, fuck, he should have noticed!
This was the point where the Doctor would tell him that he could very well care for himself. On days like this it was hard to believe.
Slade was a very wealthy man. He had a lot of influence in the government. He had his fun with the Doctor and all the prisoners got released. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had been going on.
Despite his worry for his friend Jack felt like punching him.
Now he had time to reflect on it he realised that maybe he had misinterpreted what he’d seen. Maybe Slade had only beaten the Doctor up, for whatever reason - something he’d still deserve to die for. But Jack remembered the smug grin on his face and couldn’t bring himself to even consider the possibility.
The bastard had raped the Time Lord, and shown off with it! It made him proud! He’d probably jerk off to the memory of his crime for the next couple of decades.
Running through the corridors Jack called for the Doctor again and again, growing increasingly worried when there was no answer. After a while he came back to the control room though he was sure he’d taken the path leading to the Doctor’s rooms. He tried again, this time paying attention to where he was going. Again he ended where he’d started. The message was clear: If the TARDIS made him run in circles it meant the Doctor didn’t want to be found.
The ship responded to her pilot’s wishes in everything but navigation. The Doctor only had to feel the need to be alone and she would stop everyone from getting to him. Jack suspected that it wasn’t even a conscious decision on the Time Lord’s part.
The TARDIS would do anything for him, may it be because of her programming or because she chose to. On times like this, though, Jack wished she was a little more reasonable. If she really wanted to protect her Doctor she should know that right now he needed someone to care for him.
He told her so and had little hope she would listen. Tried other corridors and got lost. His anger lessened and the worry fully took over. The moment he’d come back to life seemed hours ago and he’d lost all orientation when suddenly a door opened a few metres away and the Doctor stepped into the corridor, dressed in a clean suit, his hair wet and unruly. He smelled vaguely like shampoo. When Jack called his name and walked to him with long strides he looked up with an expression of mild surprise and the human just didn’t get how he could behave like nothing was wrong when his face was white as a sheet beneath bruises and scratches.
He flinched when Jack reached for him, looked embarrassed one second later. Held still when Jack grabbed his arms, but the touch seemed to cause him pain.
“You’re hurt,” Jack said, the useless statement reflecting his helplessness. As expected the Doctor waved it off and Jack wanted to kick him.
“It’s nothing,” the Time Lord told him. Didn’t that guy get that playing it down wasn’t helping anyone?
“The fuck it is!” Jack cursed. “What exactly has he done to you?”
“I’m not going to discuss with you what I do when you’re not around!” The Doctor sounded annoyed, taking a step back. He wanted to drop this topic and never mention it again, Jack could tell. He wouldn’t let him. This was too serious.
“I’ll kill him,” the human stated, and meant it. The Doctor’s anger didn’t surprise him.
“Stop it, Jack, that’s not funny!”
“It wasn’t meant to be. He raped you, didn’t he? Do you expect me to let him get away with that?”
“It wasn’t like that! We had a deal. I agreed to it. There’s nothing to get agitated about!”
“A deal,” echoed Jack.
“He kept his part of the bargain,” the Doctor said defensively.
Jack ignored his words. “You made a deal with him.” He’d already had it figured out, yet hearing it from the Doctor only fuelled his anger. Hell, how could that man be so stupid? “Let me guess: he promised to free the prisoners if you gave him your body.”
“And he did,” the other nodded, angry and frustrated as if unable to see the problem. Knowing the Doctor he probably was.
“How can you be so calm about it?” Jack suddenly yelled. “Since when do you let people get away with rape? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me!” the Doctor snapped back. “It wasn’t rape. I allowed him to!”
“I know you. You’d never do that on your own free will. That makes it rape!”
“Drop it, Jack! That’s none of your business.”
“Of course it is!” Jack stepped forward, trapped the Doctor between him and the wall. Standing close enough to feel the man tremble. “Because I care for you! Or are you trying to tell me that if someone abused a friend of yours you wouldn’t mind?” At the end he was almost screaming.
“Of course I would! This is different! I know what I’m doing!”
“Oh, I forgot how vastly superior you are to us mere humans! You’re the only one how can decide what’s right and what’s wrong.” He reached for the Doctor’s shoulders, wanting to shake some sense into him, but the Time Lord slipped out of his grip, took a few steps back, stumbled and nearly fell.
“I had the chance to assure their survival,” he said, aiming for a more reasonable tone. “Do you want to tell me my wellbeing is more important than a thousand people’s lives?”
Jack bit his lips before he could give an answer the Doctor would not approve of. He followed the Time Lord when he walked away, trying to find the right words.
“Imagine someone had blackmailed me into sex, or Rose, or Martha,” he began, “wouldn’t you have wanted to avenge us?”
“That’s not the same,” the Doctor said uncomfortably. They’d arrived in the console room much faster than should have been possible after all the time Jack had wandered through the TARDIS. Still he noticed that the Doctor’s steps were lacking energy. He needed rest and Jack wanted to tell him so, but was not yet willing to let the discussion stray away from its topic.
“Yes,” he said firmly. “It is.”
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, a gesture of frustration, though Jack could see the weariness in his movements.
“He arranged for a thousand men, women and children to be set free,” the Time Lord pointed out. “I’m pretty certain he doesn’t deserve to die for that.”
“He could have saved them anytime and didn’t. He took advantage of the situation. I’m pretty certain he does.”
The Doctor opened his mouth to say something, stopped when Jack lifted a hand to silence him, then let his fingers trail lightly over the long red mark running over the other’s face. He wanted to take him to the infirmary, check him over. See what other damage that fucker had caused.
“You’re my friend, Doc, and it’s my right to protect those I care about. You’re not going to take that from me.”
The Doctor swallowed dryly, his eyes wide.
“You really mean it, don’t you? You want to kill him.”
“Oh yes, I do.” Jack nodded, calm and serious, and not caring that admitting this was probably a bad idea. “I know you wouldn’t want that but I won’t let anyone get away with hurting you. If we ever meet him again he’s dead. You can’t stop me.”
He expected the Doctor to get angry, was not prepared for his cry of frustration.
“Why are you doing this to me, you stupid idiot?” He got away from Jack, turned to the console, slammed his hands onto it in a gesture that looked strangely helpless. Then he stet coordinates, pulled a lever. “You can’t stay.”
“What?” Maybe Jack should have seen this coming. He hadn’t. “Why?”
“I don’t travel with killers.” There was no force behind the Doctor’s words, just empty desperation. “Don’t you see, Jack? We’ve made a deal! I might be forced to do something like that again one day, with anyone. That’s impossible if it becomes known that my travelling companion murders everyone he doesn’t like, even if they kept their promises.”
His words made sense, but so did Jack’s. When the human reached for him the Doctor stumbled away, his decision made.
“We’re there,” he mumbled, made his way over to the exit. “Go get your stuff.”
He pulled open the doors and revealed a landscape that had little in common with Cardiff. Jack could see a meadow bathed in sunshine, a few scattered trees, heard the singing of birds. The Doctor stared at it for a moment, motionless and without a word, before he sank to his knees. Jack watched his quivering back as he hung his head in defeat. One second later he heaved and threw up.
When Jack knelt down beside him he was crying. The human waited until his dry retching had stopped, then pulled him into his arms, rubbed his back, kissed the top of his head and felt ridiculously grateful for the TARDIS. Maybe she wasn’t as unreasonable as he’d thought her to be.
Or maybe she’d missed the right location by accident. Jack kicked that idea into another dimension the moment something inside the engine exploded and he just knew they’d be stuck here for a while. On a warm, peaceful world where he had a lot of time to convince the Doctor that letting him go would be stupid.
When he was carrying the Time Lord back to his room after he had all but passed out in his arms, Jack thought that maybe everything would be alright after all.
-
“Leave me alone.”
Jack sighed and didn’t bother with an answer to that, wordlessly wiping the sweat off the Doctor’s forehead. He’d taken him to bed after his friend had collapsed the day before, had undressed him and taken care of the injuries he found. Apparently Slade liked it rough. Jack would gladly put him on the receiving end of something very rough and positively lethal, now even more than before. But he knew he’d have to let go of that idea if he wanted to stay with the Doctor, and if nothing else the entire incident proved that the Doctor very badly needed someone to stay with him.
He was down with fever and exhaustion and probably not even aware of what was going on around him. So Jack was rather surprised when suddenly thin fingers wrapped around his wrist and the Doctor looked at him through clouded eyes.
“I mean it, Jack,” he said, his voice rough and weak. “You have to go.”
“Go where?” Jack wanted to know. “Outside, so I can play with the local wildlife?”
The Time Lord ignored his words.
“You shouldn’t stay. There’s no point.”
“The point is that I love travelling with you, and I’m not going to leave you ever again, not when you need me.”
“I did,” the Doctor rasped and Jack froze, suddenly feeling very uneasy. “There are people who need you more than I do,” his friend went on. “You shouldn’t be stuck with me, I don’t deserve it. What have I ever done for you?” He closed his eyes, turning his head away, then back. His movements seemed restless, and then he arched his back and coughed. “I knew,” he whispered, blinking tears from his eyes. His fever left him helpless to his emotions, opening doors that kept everything away on any other day and forced a honesty on the Doctor Jack wasn’t sure he wanted. “I knew you were stuck on Earth, all the time. I could have come to you. Explained what was wrong with you. But I didn’t. I always told myself I would, one day. I have a time machine, could have gone to any point in your time line and helped you, but I never found the courage.”
“Why not?” Jack asked with a softness he didn’t feel. He’d thought he was over this but right now he wasn’t sure. Too many years they had pretended it had never happened.
“I’m selfish,” was the simple answer. “I was afraid you’d hate me and knew you were right to, and I couldn’t face that. So I ran. Always. When Rose changed you at the game station I knew that was my fault too. I knew you’d be cursed to live forever and I just couldn’t tell you! We couldn’t have taken you with us, not with me regenerating and the TARDIS not accepting you. So I ran from you, and it was easy! Always leaving before it hurts too much. Always running. Even before the war.” The Doctor’s words were slurred. They wouldn’t be having this conversation if he’d been fine. “I do nothing but destroying peoples lives, never stopping long enough to look back. I’m sorry, Jack! You had no idea what was wrong with you and I never came to tell you. Had there been a way to reverse it I would have found you, but there wasn’t and I couldn’t bear telling you. Too much of a coward to take responsibility for my actions.”
Another coughing fit. Jack just sat there, staring down at him, and at some point he noticed that his hands were shaking. He’d avoided thinking about this for years, and hearing it from the Doctor, hearing him actually admit it hurt. It brought the old anger back, the memories of countless nights he’d lain awake trying to hate him, the feelings battling against the knowledge that this man had less than two days ago sacrificed himself for a handful of strangers.
“Can’t stop running,” the Doctor mumbled without opening his eyes and something told Jack these words were not meant for him. “If I stop I’ll be back there.”
Then, suddenly, he looked at Jack, tears and sweat running down his face.
“I left you behind when you needed me. You have no obligations here. Go home!”
For a moment the human was unable to speak. Then he stood, and despite his conflicting emotions the harshness in his own voice surprised him when he said:
“I’m not you.”
There was hurt in the Doctor’s eyes but also acceptance. Jack didn’t give him a chance to react in any way, just turned on the spot and walked away, feeling both guilt and satisfaction.
-
Jack didn’t smoke, hadn’t for a very long time, but right now he wished for a cigarette, just to give his hands something to do. His head was full of thoughts he didn’t want to think.
He’d known the Doctor was unable to deal with his own emotions, handled them by running away. He suspected that the Time Lord had been running ever since the war, always moving so the guilt could never catch up with him. During his long life Jack had done a lot of things he wasn’t proud of but he couldn’t even begin to fathom what it meant to be responsible for the extinction of his own species. Often he’d pictured Earth in his mind and imagined blowing it up, but never had he been able to really get a grasp of what the Doctor was going through. Usually all he felt at the thought was sympathy and sadness for his friend, and now, as much as he hated it, it was still the same.
He left the TARDIS and found the surroundings beautiful, peaceful and devoid of anything offering distraction. Coming back inside he considered trying to fix whatever was broken this time, then tried to, only to throw his tool away with a curse two minutes later.
He stared at nothing for a very long time before he came to a conclusion. There was something he had to say and the Doctor very well deserved to hear it.
-
While he’d been almost storming down the corridor at first his steps became slower and slower the nearer he got to the Doctor’s room. When he stepped inside he moved quietly, almost hesitating. The Doctor was lying where he left him, pale and sick and miserable and Jack didn’t want to feel this concern, this pity, this wish to protect him.
“Listen,” he began, keeping his voice even, controlled. “You’re probably right - you deserve my hate. You left me for more than a hundred years, and it has been hell. I’ve died over and over again, suffered so much. The worst part was realising that it would never stop, that I would never, ever truly die. No.” He shook his head, correcting himself. “The worst part was the moment you left me. The knowledge that you had abandoned me. I loved you, you bastard! I’ve changed for you, you have no idea how much, became a better person, died for you, and you just left me behind without a word. For more than a century I have wondered if I’d done something wrong or if you’d simply forgotten me. I tried to hate, I wanted to hate you for what you did to me!” Slowly walking over to the bed he took a deep breath. “But I never could,” he confessed. “Every time I ended up making excuses for you, finding reasons that explained you actions. You’re not the only one who has a history of running - I know how it feels, what drives you. Of course I was still angry. Then I joined Torchwood and found out about them declaring you their enemy. And all I wanted was to keep them away from you. I think that’s the moment I accepted that I still loved you. I’ve carried that anger around for more years than I should have lived, but the moment I saw you again all I felt was joy. When you finally told me what was wrong with me, why you left it was so embarrassingly easy to forgive you. I wanted to forgive you, had wanted to for so long. After the Master I left you because I was angry with myself. Because…” Jack stopped. Swallowed. “Because I love you and that means so much more than anything you could ever do to me. I’d forgive you, no matter what you did. Would do anything for you, even deny myself killing that asshole. Don’t you know that? You’re everything to me, Doc. Everything! I don’t mean this life, travelling the universe and all, I’ve had that before. I mean you. That’s why I didn’t let you push me away at the end of the universe and that’s why I won’t let you push me away now. You’re stuck with me. See it as your punishment if you have a problem with that.”
There was no response. Jack sighed quietly and bent down to kiss the Doctor’s lashes, tasting salt. Then he sat down on his chair again and resumed his silent watch.
One day he’d have to repeat this little speech when the Doctor was actually awake to hear it.
Just to let him know he was loved.
February 4, 2008