(Untitled)

[umigiri]

#80 PANDORA'S BOX

Mamoru closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to fight the wave of nausea which threatened to overwhelm him. Then he risked another look around his haven - his apartment. Most of the furniture was stacked in one room, the living room floor has been ripped off, the walls were only half-painted, and the bathroom… He felt

Comments

[mary_v]

Very very very CUTE! :D LOVE it!:D

[umigiri]

Thank you :)

[bubblebubba]

Oh yay for self-explanatory Pandora Boxes! It really was a cute take, and so characteristic of the both of them too! Lovely "misleading" at the beginning--thought it was a robbery in process--but just such an innocent series of events after all, nice balance there! I think there is a "the living room floor has been" that should be "had," but otherwise clean and cut. Nice work!

[umigiri]

I don't think a robbery would be a problem if Mamoru caught someone - any burglar would have a mad Tuxedo on his head in a jiffy (I'd actually feel sorry for him ;).
I'm really glad you liked it - the "balance" thing was actually killng me, I've written and rewritten and corrected it what feels like a thousand times over and it still felt too heavy and static... But maybe it's just because I rarely write descriptions so long, could use some more excersise ;).

[umigiri]

And you actually made me refer to some English grammar, and now I have even less idea as for what tense should've been used in the drabble than before ^^'. Oh, well :P.

[bubblebubba]

Yeah! Well the balance really was quite nice, but you did a good job weaving the two together. And yes, if you look at the sentence, it says "Most of the furniture was stacked in one room, the living room floor has been ripped off, the walls were only half-painted, and the bathroom…" where the verbs are "was, has been, and were." So if you think about it, "has been" would indicate that you are looking at the wall at the present moment and thinking, "it's been repainted!" which is different from thinking "it had been repainted." Or something. hahaha do I just make things worse? Probably! ^^ Sorry. But maybe take my word on this one? Hehe.

Oh! And I totally agree that Mamoru's POV is so much easier to write in in angsty fics! Or in serious ones whatsoever. I've actually played a lot with using first-person in Usagi's voice, and it's tons of fun too. :)

[goddess_of_ice]

Very nice, you did an excellent job of getting into Mamo-chan's head in this one. ^_^

[umigiri]

Thanks :). I find Mamoru's point of view easier than Usagi's - I'm always afraid that I'll make her too much of a ditz in humorous drabbles. While with Mamoru almost everything "angsty" will work, he's just so pedantic ;) (I'm simplyfying things, I know).

[ariesangel404]

Quite lovely. I love your use of theme & how you captured Mamoru's thoughts ^_^

[umigiri]

Thank you :)

[shoes_eat_me]

Cute!!!

[umigiri]

Thanks :)