#3: Hair

[nessabutterfly]

Thanks for all the feedback on my drabble. I feel so loved. I already had the other parts written and ready to type up, but I kinda wanted to see if there would be an outrage about leaving it there. But I really didn't intend to be mean, so here is the second part. Also, I don't have to go to work for 5 more hours, so I should get the others up

Comments

[usagihime22]

Hm... I liked it, but not as much as the last one. Your description was great, and I'm always a HUGE fan of Mamoru's "Wait, Odango is beutiful!" moment. Haha, oy, he can be so dense!!

But on the other hand parts of it didn't seem very realistic to me. Like the time lapse... sure, I could see 20 or 30 minutes passing while he gapes like a fool at the door, but not an hour and a half. Wouldn't he be getting jostled by dancers and whatnot? And maybe you have a reason for him forgetting his car, but it doesn't seem very likely. If you need him to be on foot, why not have his battery die or him get a flat tire or something?

But regardless, I'm still very excited for the next part! Look at you, little miss productivity. ^.~

[nessabutterfly]

I know. The second half of this just really didn't work out the way I wanted it to. I wanted him to just be really out of it. So overwhelmed with his discovery that he can't think straight. I really do need a substantial time lapse for the rest of the story to work, but I do need to think of a better way for that to happen.
THe car though, I think he is so obsessed with finding her, and knowing that she's going to be on foot, the car doesn't even occur to him.

and being productive? Umm... not really. I had to move a whole pile of clean laundry in order to sit down at my computer chair. Productive would be if I had folded it and put it away and THEN wrote my story. I think I will stop and fold it after I post the third one though. It's funny... I used to ENJOY doing laundry. Of course, I used to do far less than half of what I have to now. Mark goes through like 3 changes of clothes every day!

[sunsetecho]

Run Mamoru, ruuun!! ^_^

I like where you had Mamoru's train of thought comparing/connecting the girl with his odango. One part that was a bit awkward for me, though, was the repetition of 'spun gold.' It's no big deal, but I was skimming this before I had to run out this morning, and it seemed like they occur too close to one another.

Can't wait for the rest!

[nessabutterfly]

oh... they are pretty close together. I'll have to change one. Thanks for the heads up

[goddess_of_ice]

Very cute, though I agree with Alicia's remark on the time lapse thing. I thought the last line worked really well. :3

[silkenkisses]

Cute little series! Description has been oh-so-lovely thus far. Please continue!

[nessabutterfly]

Thanks. That was what my writer's craft teacher always said. I could describe the heck out of anything, but my plot development is where I tend to struggle. I guess it helps to be both an artist and a writer. If I can't see it, then it's not worth anything.