[IC/OOC] Kannagara Voicemail

[ura_no_ura]

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[Backdated to September 15th]

[youthfulpassion]

Kakashi.... happy thirtieth.

[The smile is small and warm, sincere but lacking its usual vibrancy; he's worried, and it's obvious, the way it always is. He can't give him anything but a message this year, anything but a remote hand on his back--I remember. I notice. I care. You still have a place here--you do belong.]

I'll owe you a present when you get back, or at least a drink--we're all waiting for you, you know. We miss you. Konoha isn't the same now, this empty....

[But this isn't a call to guilt him, whatever it might sound like--Gai is worried, but he doesn't know what Kakashi is going through. Only can guess at the turmoil that his Eternal Rival must be going through, knowing that Iruka.... well. Iruka isn't very happy either, even if he doesn't seem to fully understand what happened. Gai has his suspicions, but....]

[He shakes himself from such depressive thoughts, smiling encouragingly at the Hitomi. How exactly do you grab someone by the shoulders and demand if they have any idea how much they're worrying you, when you

[ura_no_ura]

I'm fine. Just training.

[ He doesn't address anything else that Gai said, and it's too easy for him to read all the concern on Gai's face. He doesn't really think it should be there -- doesn't deserve it. Not after all that's happened. Not with how much he failed them all.

Gai remembered his birthday when even Kakashi had forgotten.

Thirty.

He doesn't even really know what he's done with his life. ]

[youthfulpassion]

Training? [Gai's eyebrows lift in surprise, and a little dismay; training could mean anything, from meditating under a waterfall trying to gain enlightenment, to subjecting yourself to some rigorous survival test, to wearing out your body with grueling physical tasks.... That's not good at all. If he really is training, then he ought to at least be supervised--he doesn't exactly look happy. He doesn't even sound happy, and when he can't even be bothered to sound happy, then they have a problem.]

[Naturally, it's up to him to do that; he smiles wider, video feed swaying as he rocks back on his heels.] Well then, you should come back to use some of these empty practice fields! Or I could come out to you! Training in pairs is much more effective. Where are you, Kakashi?

[ura_no_ura]

Well, there are trees. So I guess I'm somewhere in a forest.

[ Kakashi drawls. The sound of running water is a hum in the distance. A stream perhaps, or a river. ]

I'm training alone, Gai. No hard feelings or anything, but this is something I need to do on my own.

[youthfulpassion]

But which forest is it, Kakashi? You didn't need to leave outright--nobody would have disturbed you, if you had just chosen to train alone. What are you training for, if you need to go so far?

[Yeah, he's getting even more worried, now; his voice isn't quite so light anymore. Kakashi deflecting he's used to, but it's still frustrating, and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand, and he wants to, because he usually understands so well. What is Kakashi thinking? Why is he doing this?]

[ura_no_ura]

[ All he knows is that he needs to be away from the village. From the place he would've destroyed if he hadn't been stopped fast enough. A place he doesn't deserve to call home. ]

You're going to get an aneurysm if you keep on worrying like that. I hear it isn't good for your heart, either.

[ Kakashi is typically sarcastic. Typically dodging around questions. Typically nonchalant and indifferent. ]

[youthfulpassion]

My heart and head are perfectly healthy! [Gai thumps himself emphatically on the chest to prove his point, though his expression softens almost immediately after.]

It's yours I fear that aren't, Kakashi. You shouldn't do this to yourself--this isn't healthy, either.

[ura_no_ura]

Mmm, I don't see how training in the forest by myself isn't healthy.

[ And he knows exactly what Gai means, but he'll just go right on pretending that he doesn't. ]

[youthfulpassion]

Running away is healthy, Kakashi? [Gai knows what he means, and he knows that Kakashi knows what he means, and Gai knows what Kakashi is doing--so he's going to cut this off before it goes on longer. He presses the point.]

Hiding in the wilderness is healthy? Abandoning your husband, your friends, your students to deal with this alone is healthy? Deserting the village that needs and loves you--that you love--is healthy? [He knows how much you love Konoha, Kakashi. He can't understand why you would willingly twist and betray that love like this.]

You haven't even told me what this training is, or what it's for. What are you doing out there, Kakashi? Do you even know? [He should be angry, he thinks. By all rights, he should be. But he can't--the irritation is tempered by distress, by pleading--please, tell us what's wrong. Talk to us. Talk to me. You know we only want to help you. We can't do that if you don't meet us halfway.]

[ura_no_ura]

[ He doesn't know why he's even here, only that he doesn't deserve to be home. Doesn't deserve love and support and smiles all around him with all he had done and how greatly he failed, how far he fell from the tree. ]

You know, Gai. Guilt tripping isn't a very good way of trying to coerce me to come home. If anything, it's kind of obnoxious.

[ Deadpanned. ]

Also, Iruka isn't my husband. He doesn't even remember me as anything more than just a comrade.

[youthfulpassion]

Your former husband, then. [He'd thought that might be the case. But honestly, he's not talking about Iruka right now. Iruka is in the village, and can be helped with whatever he needs to be helped with--he's in good hands. Kakashi, on the other hand, is not.]

Besides, it isn't guilt-tripping or coercion if it's a simple statement of fact. You left us, Kakashi. You ran away. Like the others did. Why? [Konoha is in pieces. It's shattered and shredded and filthy and ragged, with long gaping gashes torn in it, and the edges fraying and unraveling. It feels as though it's barely hanging on. It hurts--and it hurts that it seems like Kakashi is being too short-sighted to realize or care.]

[ura_no_ura]

[ But that isn't like Kakashi at all. Kakashi who would do anything for the village. Who's died for it, twice. Who would die again to save it. Kakashi who loves the village more than his own life, and always has. Has lived his entire life for it. For them.

And if he isn't there in the village when it is hurting, and trying to mend, there can only be one reason for it --]

Training.

[ He repeats himself, this time his tone is a little more clipped.

-- Kakashi doesn't believe he has anything to offer Konoha at the moment. That his presence will only hurt Konoha more than help it. That he doesn't deserve to be a part of the village.

The village that he lived for.

The village that he died for.

The village he almost destroyed. ]

[youthfulpassion]

[It isn't like Kakashi at all. It isn't like him to be like this, running away, leaving behind the place and people he so loves so much. He isn't one to abandon and betray the village. The only reason he wouldn't help is if he couldn't help. Or at least, if he thought he couldn't help. And Gai knows that right now, Konoha needs the help of everyone it can get.]

[He can't let Kakashi continue to believe this. Not when they need him. Not when this much is at stake. His voice is surprisingly calm and patient, as strong and steady as he always seems to be. So he repeats himself as well, silently declaring an impasse--he's a rather stubborn man when he puts his mind to it. He's not going to let Kakashi get around this. So one question at a time. Important ones. Don't give him anything irrelevant to focus on.] What is this training, Kakashi?

[ura_no_ura]

Since when have you taken such an interest in my training, hmm

[youthfulpassion]

Since about twenty-four years ago. I've always been interested, Kakashi; you know that. In your training and everything else.

[Gai smiles a little at the memory, (it is a fond one, after all) but the point still stands, and his voice is still firm. He repeats himself again.] What is this training you're doing, Kakashi?

[ura_no_ura]

It's classified. You can speak to Yondaime-sama about it if it really is so important that you must know.

[ He's lying through his teeth now and it comes so naturally it almost doesn't sound like a lie. And to anyone else it probably wouldn't be one, but anyone else hasn't known Kakashi as long as Gai, or as well as him. ]