Comments | unnameduntamed: Lie to Me prompt from the Flame

unnameduntamed

Lie to Me prompt from the Flame

Dec 01, 2010 10:06

It was the unspoken rule in our house. Daddy liked to ask questions, lots of them. They made him feel important in our lives and showed that he was interested in us. He wanted us to always know he loved us. So when Daddy asked questions that he wouldn’t like the answer of there was only one rule; lie.

I never felt bad for lying to him about my ( Read more... )

the flame, death, domestic violence, lie to me

Comments 3

keppiehed December 6 2010, 12:13:39 UTC

Oooh, love how you used the prompt. This was really real and surprising at the end. What made it touching was what you didn't say. Nice work here!

toxic_apiaceae December 11 2010, 04:14:23 UTC

WHOA, unnamed.

That was a slap to the face, but very well executed. You're really so very good at just letting the story speak -- of showing rather than telling. And I absolutely LOVE the incorporation of the theme in italics throughout the piece. For being so short, you certainly condensced a LOT of punch in it.

If I might offer a teeny bit of con crit though? I think we've talked before about commas being used with names/nicknames in dialogue. That's all.

So, yeah. You really blew my mind with how you worked the prompt this week, unnamed. I applaud your awesomeness. *standing ovation*

Somewhat baffled editor here. mermaidbia December 11 2010, 14:00:50 UTC

Gotta agree with everyone here, an excellent, sophisticated and in-depth use of the prompt...your observational powers in this tiny little family are amazing, your style is straightforward and confident, you have a clear image of all the characters and you're not just reaching for words to impress us. In fact, the dry style you're executing here works in favor of the story itself, you're not mincing it with melodrama, instead, the real drama emerges out of the words and the style itself, a certain feeling of incompleteness, bitterness and yearning for better days. You're an extremely accomplished writer in this piece and your confidence shows; you're not afraid of shocking us with the implications, but you're not trying too hard to do it, either. That is a gift. My hat's off.

I don't think I can find a lot to critique in here, but let me just go with my usual technique:

So when Daddy asked questions that he wouldn’t like the answer of there was only one rule; lie.Punctuation issue: Colon! Not semicolon. A semicolon is used for two ( ... )