fic: Sex Ban
TITLE: Sex Ban
AUTHOR: Brio
WORDS: 1500~
RATING: PG-13 for implied stuff, I guess
SUMMARY: According to reports, Ryan Murphy has banned sex in the trailers of the Glee cast. In this fic, he mostly runs around screaming ‘Sex Ban’ at people.
NOTES: This was literally written in two hours. Mistakes are all mine. Thanks to ilsu for reading this. I needed to write something stupid because the other fic I’m working on is going to be epicly massive by the time I’m finished. And kinda sad. Comments are awesome and chocolate will be provided if they’re good (not really, have you got any idea how expensive it is to send stuff from Australia?!)
And also! For the purposes of this fic, Lea wears glasses. Because glasses are hot.
The crew glance at each other with trepidation though some glances are more amused than wary. Ryan is sitting in his director’s chair, fingers pressed together in an uncanny impression of Mr Burns, with a furious expression on his face. He’s facing an empty set. A set that should have two of his actors ready to film. Jenna and Kevin are nowhere in sight.
He springs from his chair, marching towards the trailers out on the lot, making a beeline for Kevin’s trailer first. He raps heavily on the door before charging in, eyes darting quickly around the empty space. He’s about to leave when he hears a giggle coming from the next room. Exhaling sharply through his teeth, he marches down the corridor and knocks on the door.
“Chris, we told you to leave us alone,” a voice calls followed by more giggling. Ryan shudders slightly and closes his eyes, pushing the door open. Jenna shrieks and dives under the blanket on Kevin’s couch.
“You two are holding up production,” Ryan says, determinedly keeping his eyes closed as he hears the pair scrambling around in the room trying to cover themselves up, “On set in five minutes. Or I’m cancelling the Disney trip.”
“But Ryan…” Jenna starts, blushing furiously despite the fact that Ryan can’t see her state of undress.
“Five minutes!” Ryan barks and closes the door before striding briskly from the trailer. He’s nearly back on set before he turns around again, walking back to Kevin’s trailer. He barges in and finds Kevin buttoning his shirt while Jenna is tying her shoes, “From this moment on, I’m imposing a sex ban.”
“Sex ban?” Jenna asks, raising an eyebrows.
“There will be no more trailer sex,” Ryan says, glancing between the two of them, “Three minutes.” He closes the door and crosses to the next trailer, Mark and Cory’s. He raises his hand to knock but stops when he hears the voices inside.
“Yes!” a female voice groans. Ryan’s face turns a curious shade of red. Are there any members of his cast not sleeping together?
“So close!” another voice adds.
“How’s that?” a male voice asks, straining slightly.
“Just a little to the left,” a different voice replies. Ryan’s eyebrows shoot up like rockets and he pulls the door open, his mouth open, ready to deliver the ‘sex ban’ directive but pulls up short when he finds Naya and Heather sitting on the couch, shovelling popcorn into their mouths while Cory and Mark sit on the floor in front of them, each holding a game controller, zombies exploding on the widescreen television. They all turn expectantly towards Ryan after Mark hits pause.
“Hey Ryan,” Cory says raising a hand in greeting, “Are we supposed to be on the set already?” He glances down at his watch.
“Sex ban,” Ryan hisses imperiously pointing his finger at all of them in turn. Heather turns to look at Naya who shrugs with a roll of her eyes, “No more sex in these trailers!”
“Uh, Ryan?” Mark asks, “We’re just playing video games… I know it’s probably been a while, but sex isn’t all that different since…”
“Sex ban!” Ryan repeats before leaving, slamming the door behind him. If he could just catch one other pair then he could justify his ban completely. Lea and Dianna. Most of the time he had to put three other cast members between them during songs to stop them from jumping all over each other. He starts to cross the lot.
“Ryan!” he hears Chris call, “Amber and I want to discuss the number we’re filming later today…”
“Sex ban!” Ryan hollers as he turns to face the pair who exchange bemused looks.
“Ew,” Chris looks stricken.
“As if,” Amber laughs and heads back into their trailer shaking her head.
**
Lea frowns as she watches Ryan go from trailer to trailer before stopping to yell something at Chris and Amber. She places her script on the table next to her and slides off her glasses, trying not to disturb the blonde who’s fast asleep, her head in Lea’s lap. She’s still exhausted after spending their break shooting her movie in Pittsburgh. Staying at Lea’s last night hadn’t really helped the situation.
Lea watches Ryan get closer and closer and turns her attention to the door as it swings open. The director looks at Lea first who raises an eyebrow in return before looking at the sleeping blonde. He narrows his eyes and leaves the trailer, closing the door. Lea cocks her head to the side, staring at the door in confusion.
Thirty seconds later, it pops open again and Ryan’s head appears, “A-ha!” he cries as if he’s expecting to find the pair entangled before looking slightly disappointed and shaking his head.
“Ryan, what the hell?” Lea whispers loudly, “You know that Dianna is exhausted and we’re not due on set for two hours.”
“Sex ban!” he whispers back.
“We’re not having sex!!” Lea whispers back irately, “Clearly. We’re not having sex!”
Ryan raises his finger and points at Lea, “Sex ban!!”
“Oh whatever,” Lea mutters as the bald head retreats and the door closes. She picks up her script again as Dianna shifts in her sleep and yawns, raising a hand to wipe the sleep out of her eyes.
“Was that Ryan? Should we be on-set?” she asks sleepily, turning her gaze up to Lea who smiles down at her.
“Yeah, he was talking about a sex ban or something,” Lea says, leaning down to press a kiss to Dianna’s forehead, “And we have another two hours, so go back to sleep.”
“Sex ban?” Dianna laughs, “We don’t even have sex on set anymore. Not since Naya caught us…” Dianna tails off, a slow blush spreading across her cheeks as she bites her bottom lip.
“She threatened us with death, Di,” the brunette says, “It’s a little bit of a mood killer.” Something out of the corner of her eye distracts her. Ryan is in the middle of the lot holding one of the megaphones used by Jane Lynch to holler at the cheerios, “The man has gone crazy.” Dianna sits up and follows Lea’s eyeline.
“All cast to the choir room now!” Ryan announces.
“So much for sleep,” Dianna grumbles, pushing herself off the couch. Lea takes her hand as they leave the trailer and follow the rest of the cast towards the choir room set, catching the end of Mark blaming them.
“You guys can barely keep yourselves apart on-set,” he says, glancing between the two surprised girls, “Did he catch you?” Dianna sighs heavily.
“No, he did not catch us, Mark,” she says firmly, “Ask Naya. She told us, and I quote, that she would ‘end us’ if she ever saw that again.” Mark glares at Naya enviously.
“It’s true,” Naya admits, “McUshkowitz are being pretty quiet. I bet they’ve ruined the fun.” Everyone turns to look at Kevin and Jenna who just blush. The group argue and talk over each other until they reach the choir room. Lea and Dianna sit down first, the blonde leaning her head on Lea’s shoulder and closing her eyes.
“Wake me up if anything important happens,” she whispers in the brunette’s ear.
“It won’t,” Lea says with a grin, pressing a kiss to Dianna’s forehead before watching everyone else point fingers and shout louder and louder. Even Harry is shouting, which is something Lea has never witnessed.
“Enough!” Ryan yells and Dianna jumps slightly before falling asleep on Lea’s shoulder again, “Sit down please. This will only take a minute.” Silently everyone hurries to grab a seat like chastised children, “I’m sorry for my overreaction. I understand that you all have…” he pauses as though searching for the right word, “…needs. But production is now running behind due to the actions of certain members of the cast.” Everyone glares at Kevin and Jenna who stare at the ground, “So as of right now, there will be no sex in your trailers.” He glances around the entire cast, “Is that clear?” Mumbles of ‘yes, Ryan’ are heard around the room while the crew snigger to themselves behind the cameras, “Kevin and Jenna, stay here. Everyone else, back to your trailers.”
With hung heads, everyone files out of the room with the exception of Lea who has to drag Dianna along beside her.
“Where are we going?” Dianna asks.
“Back to the trailer baby, so you can sleep and I can finish learning my lines for tomorrow,” Lea says, sliding her arm tighter around Dianna’s waist.
“I’m not that tired,” Dianna says, giving Lea a devilish grin, “I can sleep later.”
“Di, he just gave us a lecture… and I don’t want to die at the hands of Naya,” Lea says, making a face. Dianna leans in close to Lea and presses a kiss to her lips. When they pull apart, Lea grins, “Where do you have in mind?”
AUTHOR: Brio
WORDS: 1500~
RATING: PG-13 for implied stuff, I guess
SUMMARY: According to reports, Ryan Murphy has banned sex in the trailers of the Glee cast. In this fic, he mostly runs around screaming ‘Sex Ban’ at people.
NOTES: This was literally written in two hours. Mistakes are all mine. Thanks to ilsu for reading this. I needed to write something stupid because the other fic I’m working on is going to be epicly massive by the time I’m finished. And kinda sad. Comments are awesome and chocolate will be provided if they’re good (not really, have you got any idea how expensive it is to send stuff from Australia?!)
And also! For the purposes of this fic, Lea wears glasses. Because glasses are hot.
The crew glance at each other with trepidation though some glances are more amused than wary. Ryan is sitting in his director’s chair, fingers pressed together in an uncanny impression of Mr Burns, with a furious expression on his face. He’s facing an empty set. A set that should have two of his actors ready to film. Jenna and Kevin are nowhere in sight.
He springs from his chair, marching towards the trailers out on the lot, making a beeline for Kevin’s trailer first. He raps heavily on the door before charging in, eyes darting quickly around the empty space. He’s about to leave when he hears a giggle coming from the next room. Exhaling sharply through his teeth, he marches down the corridor and knocks on the door.
“Chris, we told you to leave us alone,” a voice calls followed by more giggling. Ryan shudders slightly and closes his eyes, pushing the door open. Jenna shrieks and dives under the blanket on Kevin’s couch.
“You two are holding up production,” Ryan says, determinedly keeping his eyes closed as he hears the pair scrambling around in the room trying to cover themselves up, “On set in five minutes. Or I’m cancelling the Disney trip.”
“But Ryan…” Jenna starts, blushing furiously despite the fact that Ryan can’t see her state of undress.
“Five minutes!” Ryan barks and closes the door before striding briskly from the trailer. He’s nearly back on set before he turns around again, walking back to Kevin’s trailer. He barges in and finds Kevin buttoning his shirt while Jenna is tying her shoes, “From this moment on, I’m imposing a sex ban.”
“Sex ban?” Jenna asks, raising an eyebrows.
“There will be no more trailer sex,” Ryan says, glancing between the two of them, “Three minutes.” He closes the door and crosses to the next trailer, Mark and Cory’s. He raises his hand to knock but stops when he hears the voices inside.
“Yes!” a female voice groans. Ryan’s face turns a curious shade of red. Are there any members of his cast not sleeping together?
“So close!” another voice adds.
“How’s that?” a male voice asks, straining slightly.
“Just a little to the left,” a different voice replies. Ryan’s eyebrows shoot up like rockets and he pulls the door open, his mouth open, ready to deliver the ‘sex ban’ directive but pulls up short when he finds Naya and Heather sitting on the couch, shovelling popcorn into their mouths while Cory and Mark sit on the floor in front of them, each holding a game controller, zombies exploding on the widescreen television. They all turn expectantly towards Ryan after Mark hits pause.
“Hey Ryan,” Cory says raising a hand in greeting, “Are we supposed to be on the set already?” He glances down at his watch.
“Sex ban,” Ryan hisses imperiously pointing his finger at all of them in turn. Heather turns to look at Naya who shrugs with a roll of her eyes, “No more sex in these trailers!”
“Uh, Ryan?” Mark asks, “We’re just playing video games… I know it’s probably been a while, but sex isn’t all that different since…”
“Sex ban!” Ryan repeats before leaving, slamming the door behind him. If he could just catch one other pair then he could justify his ban completely. Lea and Dianna. Most of the time he had to put three other cast members between them during songs to stop them from jumping all over each other. He starts to cross the lot.
“Ryan!” he hears Chris call, “Amber and I want to discuss the number we’re filming later today…”
“Sex ban!” Ryan hollers as he turns to face the pair who exchange bemused looks.
“Ew,” Chris looks stricken.
“As if,” Amber laughs and heads back into their trailer shaking her head.
**
Lea frowns as she watches Ryan go from trailer to trailer before stopping to yell something at Chris and Amber. She places her script on the table next to her and slides off her glasses, trying not to disturb the blonde who’s fast asleep, her head in Lea’s lap. She’s still exhausted after spending their break shooting her movie in Pittsburgh. Staying at Lea’s last night hadn’t really helped the situation.
Lea watches Ryan get closer and closer and turns her attention to the door as it swings open. The director looks at Lea first who raises an eyebrow in return before looking at the sleeping blonde. He narrows his eyes and leaves the trailer, closing the door. Lea cocks her head to the side, staring at the door in confusion.
Thirty seconds later, it pops open again and Ryan’s head appears, “A-ha!” he cries as if he’s expecting to find the pair entangled before looking slightly disappointed and shaking his head.
“Ryan, what the hell?” Lea whispers loudly, “You know that Dianna is exhausted and we’re not due on set for two hours.”
“Sex ban!” he whispers back.
“We’re not having sex!!” Lea whispers back irately, “Clearly. We’re not having sex!”
Ryan raises his finger and points at Lea, “Sex ban!!”
“Oh whatever,” Lea mutters as the bald head retreats and the door closes. She picks up her script again as Dianna shifts in her sleep and yawns, raising a hand to wipe the sleep out of her eyes.
“Was that Ryan? Should we be on-set?” she asks sleepily, turning her gaze up to Lea who smiles down at her.
“Yeah, he was talking about a sex ban or something,” Lea says, leaning down to press a kiss to Dianna’s forehead, “And we have another two hours, so go back to sleep.”
“Sex ban?” Dianna laughs, “We don’t even have sex on set anymore. Not since Naya caught us…” Dianna tails off, a slow blush spreading across her cheeks as she bites her bottom lip.
“She threatened us with death, Di,” the brunette says, “It’s a little bit of a mood killer.” Something out of the corner of her eye distracts her. Ryan is in the middle of the lot holding one of the megaphones used by Jane Lynch to holler at the cheerios, “The man has gone crazy.” Dianna sits up and follows Lea’s eyeline.
“All cast to the choir room now!” Ryan announces.
“So much for sleep,” Dianna grumbles, pushing herself off the couch. Lea takes her hand as they leave the trailer and follow the rest of the cast towards the choir room set, catching the end of Mark blaming them.
“You guys can barely keep yourselves apart on-set,” he says, glancing between the two surprised girls, “Did he catch you?” Dianna sighs heavily.
“No, he did not catch us, Mark,” she says firmly, “Ask Naya. She told us, and I quote, that she would ‘end us’ if she ever saw that again.” Mark glares at Naya enviously.
“It’s true,” Naya admits, “McUshkowitz are being pretty quiet. I bet they’ve ruined the fun.” Everyone turns to look at Kevin and Jenna who just blush. The group argue and talk over each other until they reach the choir room. Lea and Dianna sit down first, the blonde leaning her head on Lea’s shoulder and closing her eyes.
“Wake me up if anything important happens,” she whispers in the brunette’s ear.
“It won’t,” Lea says with a grin, pressing a kiss to Dianna’s forehead before watching everyone else point fingers and shout louder and louder. Even Harry is shouting, which is something Lea has never witnessed.
“Enough!” Ryan yells and Dianna jumps slightly before falling asleep on Lea’s shoulder again, “Sit down please. This will only take a minute.” Silently everyone hurries to grab a seat like chastised children, “I’m sorry for my overreaction. I understand that you all have…” he pauses as though searching for the right word, “…needs. But production is now running behind due to the actions of certain members of the cast.” Everyone glares at Kevin and Jenna who stare at the ground, “So as of right now, there will be no sex in your trailers.” He glances around the entire cast, “Is that clear?” Mumbles of ‘yes, Ryan’ are heard around the room while the crew snigger to themselves behind the cameras, “Kevin and Jenna, stay here. Everyone else, back to your trailers.”
With hung heads, everyone files out of the room with the exception of Lea who has to drag Dianna along beside her.
“Where are we going?” Dianna asks.
“Back to the trailer baby, so you can sleep and I can finish learning my lines for tomorrow,” Lea says, sliding her arm tighter around Dianna’s waist.
“I’m not that tired,” Dianna says, giving Lea a devilish grin, “I can sleep later.”
“Di, he just gave us a lecture… and I don’t want to die at the hands of Naya,” Lea says, making a face. Dianna leans in close to Lea and presses a kiss to her lips. When they pull apart, Lea grins, “Where do you have in mind?”