foolish people 3 [1/3]
foolish people 3
kyuhae, kyumin / r / 4400w, 4500w
It's been three months since the incident with Sungmin.
notes: part 2 will be out...soon.
warnings: mentions of severe depression and different types of self-harm, also some psychological issues.
foolish people 3
Aug 2010
Tell me again, what happened?
He tried to kill himself.
Kyuhyun, you know what I mean. What really happened?
I…
You spoke earlier about ‘fault’. Whose ‘fault’ was this?
Mine, probably. But mostly his. His.
I see. Do you blame him then, for what he did?
I don’t know, maybe.
I see you’re clenching your fist. What emotions are you experiencing now?
I don’t know. Anger. Guilt. Sick. Hate.
Do you hate him?
Well.
Kyuhyun, do you hate Sungmin, even after all this time?
...Yes.
∞
May 2010
Kyuhyun’s knocking turns frantic, the bathtub behind the closed door slowly filling up. He hears Sungmin’s muted sobs inside, and it feels like his chest is clawed open. He’s scared. The sound of the water crashing down in the tub horrifies him, anxiety latching onto him like a paralysing beast. He’s scared of what Sungmin might do. Scared of what Sungmin is doing.
Please.
He wonders if there’s any way to knock down the door. He looks around himself, eyes frantically searching the room, but it’s empty. Horrified, he stares at the door again.
Please don’t do this.
Kyuhyun lunges at the door, shoulder first, but to no avail. Kyuhyun yells in frustration, knocking violently while calling after Sungmin. There’s no reply and he lunges at the door again, tears forming in his eyes.
Not again.
Hyukjae arrives from the kitchen, stirred from his slumber by the ruckus Kyuhyun makes. Standing at the end of the hallway, he stares wide-eyed at the scene ahead of him, mortified as he watches Kyuhyun attack the door. When the situation dawns upon him, however, his face turns pale.
Where’s Sungmin?
Kyuhyun pauses for a brief moment, eyes moving from Hyukjae to the door. He blinks. Hyukjae raises his eyebrows, and without a word Kyuhyun turns his back at him and leaps for the door, crying out Sungmin's name. Hyukjae runs over to him and bumps into the door in rhythm with Kyuhyun, not sparing the time to ask questions.
The water inside eventually stops.
Both of them halts, eyes meeting, and it’s like the world is set on pause. They hear the slush of the water spilling over the edge, and Hyukjae fumbles before he runs to the kitchen while Kyuhyun starts knocking.
Sungmin! Sungmin, open the door! Come on, goddamn it!
Hyukjae arrives with the fire extinguisher and Kyuhyun steps back, watches as Hyukjae attacks the door handle until it breaks down. Partly amazed that it actually worked, they meet eyes again as the door creaks open. Without hesitation, they push their way inside the bathroom.
Sungmin rushes up from the water, and glares bewildered at Kyuhyun and Hyukjae who stands on top of each other in the doorway. Sungmin’s face is swollen and red, dripping wet and expression hurt. His eyes are gleaming, dark and unreadable, and his hair clings to his forehead like a second skin. Kyuhyun gulps and drops his eyes to the ground, heart racing.
Hyukjae pushes past Kyuhyun and strides toward the tub. Without shame he grabs Sungmin’s upper arm and yanks him up from the water, taking his forearm up front and inspecting it.
Where did you do it? Hyukjae yells, twisting and turning Sungmin’s arm in all directions. Where did you do it?
Sungmin is sobbing, face flushed and water running from his hair and down his face.
Hyukjae, let go of me!
Tell me right now, where did you do it?!
Tears entwine with the water on Sungmin’s face, and he squeezes his eyes shut, sobbing aggravating.
I didn’t do it! I- I didn’t do it!
In the doorway Kyuhyun stands still, staring at the scene ahead of him while trembling. He can’t move. He can’t move, and he clenches his fist as Hyukjae embraces Sungmin tightly-Thank God Sungmin you didn’t-and wonders why he isn’t doing anything, why he’s only standing there like a fool.
Then he remembers it’s all his fault.
∞
Aug 2010
Donghae is squatting by the TV in the living room, shuffling through a row of DVDs. He sighs as his finger gently trails over the back of ‘Titanic’, and wonders why they only have old classics in their dorms. He’s seen most of them a thousand times already, and he’s tired of keeping to the same old. It’s not like he can go watch the new movies at the movie theatre whenever he wants.
A door slams behind him. He doesn’t look up, but instead contemplates whether he’s in the mood at all, until he feels a hand on his shoulder and is suddenly yanked backward. He tumbles to the ground with a surprised cry, a handful of DVDs scattering to the ground along with him. Hyukjae reveals himself over him, eyes ablaze with anger.
What the hell are you doing? Hyukjae barks, and Donghae fumbles.
I was going to ask the same, he retorts, gathering himself up from the floor. However, before he has gotten any further than raising his upper body, Hyukjae pushes him back down with his foot.
No, you sit down and listen to me. Do you have any idea what the hell you’re doing?
Donghae scowls at the foot placed on his torso, pressing his lips together into a fine line.
I was looking for a movie to watch, he mutters, I don’t know what the hell you think you are doing.
Hyukjae doesn’t look impressed.
You know what I’m talking about.
Donghae clenches his fists, looking down at Hyukjae’s legs.
That’s none of your business.
Sungmin is my friend. So is Kyuhyun. So is you. Especially you, Donghae. I mean-
Get lost.
Hyukjae crosses his arms across his chest, head turned to the side. The room seems to go unwaveringly still, and for a moment the air feels so thick Donghae can hardly breathe. His eyes move over to the hallway ahead where a shadow moves.
I can’t let you keep doing this, Hyukjae says then, voice strained. Super Show 3 starts in less than a week. We can’t have the three of you fooling around like this while we’re on tour. I mean, seriously? Nothing has happened since the incident with Sungmin. You keep hurting each other in this vicious circle, and I just can’t bear to watch it anymore!
And what exactly are you going to do about it?
Hyukjae scoffs, still averting his head from Donghae. Donghae sighs. Hyukjae has always been emotional. Every action and every word delivered by Hyukjae is always loaded with so much sentiment that Donghae feels strangled by it, almost claustrophobic. He wonders for a second why Hyukjae bothers at all, because Hyukjae is probably the one who’ll get the most hurt in the end and Hyukjae knows it. Being emotional has its weaknesses, and Donghae thinks that caring too much about others is one of them. However, Hyukjae has a tendency to reach out into the flames to save the moths when they are already ashes. It’s too late.
Did you know that Sungmin could hear us during the night-time? Donghae says then, shaking his head. He was awake, you know, all the time while I was there. He thought I didn’t notice. But I knew. I always knew, and it just made it better. Back then I always knew what Sungmin was thinking. I could see it in his eyes. I see it now, too. He loathes me. He can’t stand the sight of me. Kyuhun as well. We make him sick. But it’s just because he’s jealous, you know. It’s because he can’t let go, because he still loves Kyuhyun even after all this.
Hyukjae stills, arching his eyebrows. He parts his lips as if he wants to speak, but Donghae cuts him to it.
But you know what? There is nothing I can do about any of this no matter how much I know, because ultimately none of this is because of me. Same goes for you.
Donghae rises into a sitting position, and Hyukjae doesn’t stop him.
You know, I never told Kyuhyun to break up with Sungmin, or Sungmin to attempt suicide. All of that wasn’t my doing. So why the hell are you mad at me? Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, and it was Kyuhyun who came to me. I didn’t seek him out, I just didn’t say no.
Donghae takes some time to think, and chuckles.
What Sungmin did has nothing to do with me either. It was his own choice to hurt himself, his own choice to attempt suicide, his own choice to lie there in the room like a fucking pervert, listening in on us. And then there’s you, blaming me for all of this. So, you ask me if I know what I’m doing? It depends on what you think I’m doing. The way I see it, all I’ve done is gotten together with Kyuhyun, and I don’t think you can blame me for that.
Hyukjae wipes his face with his palms and shakes his head.
What you and Kyuhyun do together is one thing and I don't really care about that. However, it concerns me a lot that none of you seem to understand how you included-include-Sungmin in all this. I mean, you continued fucking Kyuhyun while Sungmin was in the room? “It made it better”? Where the hell is your humanity? It's not like he had anywhere to go!
Donghae licks his lips.
Hyukjae, please. It was hardly a one-sided thing.
With a scoff, Hyukjae turns to the side, arms resting at his hips. Then he frowns, as he sees a shadow moving in the hallway, followed by the sound of a door closing.
Are you sure about that, Donghae?
∞
Kyuhyun closes the door behind him and drops to his knees, grasping at the floor to steady himself. Everything swirls around him, and he has a hard time focusing. He had just woken up when he heard ruckus from the living room, where he saw Hyukjae standing on top of Donghae. He couldn’t hear much of their conversation, but he knows what it was about. He leans his back against the door and draws his knees to his chest, wondering if Hyukjae knew about the three of them all along, and how. Then he thinks about Sungmin, and he feels his eyes sting. It’s been three months since Sungmin’s suicide attempt, and the more Kyuhyun thinks about it, the sicker he gets. It’s been three months, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel anymore.
The voices in the living room quiets down, and he hears the front door opening and closing, followed by total silence. He wonders for a second if he’s alone, until there’s a faint knocking on his door.
Kyuhyun? It’s me, Donghae.
Hearing his voice starts something within Kyuhyun, and he rests his head on his knees, inhaling shakily. Donghae has always been a mystery. At one point he's shoving Kyuhyun against the wall, hissing that Kyuhyun's his. The other second he's blurting out how he loves Kyuhyun, and acts like a kicked puppy around him. And now he claims to have known about Sungmin being awake all along? Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to believe anymore, and frankly, he doesn’t know how to even get started.
Come on, open the door. I know you’re in there.
Donghae knocks silently on the door again. Kyuhyun doesn’t speak or move, and he listens quietly to Donghae’s movements. There’s a thud, before it sounds like Donghae sits down on the floor, leaning his back against the door. It’s almost like Kyuhyun can feel Donghae’s back against his, and he shudders.
Look… It’s not what it seems like. Please, if you could just give me a chance to explain-
With a groan, Kyuhyun rises up on his feet and quietly heads for his bed. He doesn’t know what to make out of it, what it all means. Everything confuses him. Donghae confuses him. In fact, he confuses himself and it’s all too much.
Kyuhyun?
He falls down on his bed and cloaks himself in his blanket, covering all but his face like a fortress of duvet. His head is pounding, and he stares out in the air, frowning as everything seems to quiver in front of him. He closes his eyes. Donghae rises and walks away, and eventually the room falls silent again. Kyuhyun lets out a breath. He hears the faint buzz of his computer, and the cackle of the wind colliding with the window, but otherwise it’s entirely quiet. Kyuhyun opens his eyes. Everything is still moving in front of him, and he is starting to feel dizzy.
Squinting slightly, Kyuhyun tries to make out the outline of Sungmin’s side of the room, the darkness cloaking it like a veil. It’s neat, except for the blanket tossed around on the bed. There’s not a lot of stuff otherwise. Kyuhyun thinks he has moved them to other rooms, most likely Hyukjae’s, and perhaps some to Shindong’s apartment.
Sighing by his silly observations, Kyuhyun closes his eyes to sleep. However, he can’t seem to find any peace. As soon as he closes his eyes, images of Sungmin’s naked body covered in blood haunts him. He sees the deep cut on Sungmin’s wrist, and he starts shaking, not noticing he’s crying until his pillow is soaking wet. Drying tear-stains from his face, Kyuhyun grimaces and turns on his back, staring at the ceiling. It’s white, like Sungmin’s face when they got him up from the tub-
Kyuhyun flinches and shakes his head. Everywhere and everything he looks at reminds Kyuhyun of the horrible things he’s seen, and he wonders for a second if his therapist is serious when she says that he should try and move on. Maybe even forgive himself.
He clenches his fists. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. If only Sungmin hadn’t done what he did, and because of him. When the tears eventually dries up, Kyuhyun feels angry. He’s angry that anyone could even think of doing something like that. Killing oneself, and because of another person. Did Sungmin really not know how that would make Kyuhyun feel? How it still makes Kyuhyun feel?
Taking a deep breath, Kyuhyun tries to calm down. He hears the faint buzz from his computer and the wind hitting the window, and he stares up at the ceiling again. White, like Sungmin’s face when they pulled him up from the tub. He lets the thought rest with him for a while and feels his anger return. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. Why couldn’t Sungmin just let go?
With a sigh, Kyuhyun turns over in his bed again and buries his face in his pillow. He never asked for anyone to lean on him. Sungmin and Donghae are both latching onto him like magnets, and Kyuhyun has to push them away once and for all. The only problem is that he doesn't know how.
∞
Come on, don’t be silly. Open the door.
No.
It’s my room as well, you know.
Go away.
Kyuhyun-
Stop bothering me! Why can’t you just stop bothering me?
∞
May 2010
Donghae knocks silently on the door to Kyuhyun’s room. He doesn’t hear anyone inside, but he knows Kyuhyun’s there. Heart hammering in his chest, he pushes the door ajar and sneaks inside, a wall of darkness meeting him on the other side.
He hears the duvet shuffle, and a dark form rises underneath it. He can’t see it, but Donghae feels Kyuhyun’s eyes on him.
Not tonight, Kyuhyun mumbles. Just not tonight.
Is Sungmin here? Donghae asks, but Kyuhyun doesn’t reply. Donghae moves over to Sungmin’s side of the bedroom, which he figures is empty. He sits down on top of Sungmin’s bed and pats on the space beside him. Kyuhyun scoffs.
What do you want?
Come here.
Kyuhyun does. He sits down silently, and Donghae feels his body getting warm, his stomach flip. It’s like a thousand bees swirl inside his stomach, chaotically and fiercely, stinging on his insides. His nervousness numbs his voice, and he grips his thighs, nails digging into his jeans. He’s shaking.
What do you want? Kyuhyun repeats, and Donghae gulps.
Kyuhyun?
Yeah.
I-I love you. You know that, right?
It’s dead silent, and Donghae halfway regrets saying it. He used to say it to see if Kyuhyun would get angry, to check if he still loved Sungmin, but now it feels different for him. However, after what Sungmin did, Kyuhyun has been different. Kyuhyun had started warming up to him, started to accept his kisses, but ever since the incident, he’s been hard to reach. But Donghae only wants him more. Donghae isn’t finished with him.
Kyuhyun-?
Just stop.
Donghae stammers, tries to find his words, but they are like water in his hands. He turns his head to look at Kyuhyun, and as his vision has started to adjust to the darkness, he can see Kyuhyun is facing forward. His expression is dead.
What-
Whatever it is that you’re doing, stop with it right now, Kyuhyun says. I can’t do this right now. Not since… That. Not now.
So you… you seriously still love him then?
Kyuhyun stills for a moment, and it’s like time stops. Donghae can hear his own breathing, and it’s driving him insane. Kyuhyun is driving him insane. Waiting on him like this is nerve-wrecking, like standing beside a train going in slow motion and only watching it as it collides with a wall. Kyuhyun then grips Donghae’s hand without looking.
Let’s go to sleep.
∞
Aug 2010
The group stands like a herd of sheep by the sidewalk, waiting to be let into the van. Kyuhyun draws his coat tighter around himself, the wind outside chilly. He’s sleepy and annoyed, Donghae talking too loud in the morning as usual. He seems to be full of energy, and it irks Kyuhyun to no end. He’s in no way a morning person, nor has he ever been. His annoyance with Donghae in general isn’t helping either.
He is ushered into the van by the people beside him and drops down on a seat. It’s the seat next to the window, and he looks to the side, feeling his stomach drop. Sungmin is sitting there, head resting on the window and eyes closed. Kyuhyun looks to his left hurriedly for a way out, but Ryeowook has just sat down next to him, and he sinks down on his seat with a heavy sigh. Sungmin’s thigh is warm against his, and Kyuhyun feels an urge to cross his legs. However, there’s no space. He’s practically squished up against Sungmin, and staying that way.
Sungmin momentarily stirs from his sleep, and Kyuhyun wants to roll his eyes. Sungmin looks at him briefly, expression unchanging, before he goes back to sleep. Kyuhyun frowns in annoyance, not sure if it’s of Sungmin’s nonchalance or if it’s just Sungmin in general, then looks toward Ryeowook. Ryeowook is already staring at him, one eyebrow raised.
What? Kyuhyun says, widening his eyes.
You’re just so childish, Ryeowook says, shaking his head before putting in his earplugs. Kyuhyun stares at him dumbfounded, opens his mouth to speak. However, Ryeowook is staring out of the window, closed off from any further discussion. Kyuhyun grimaces, then puts in his own earplugs and sleeps.
∞
Donghae hears the door creak open, eerily like in a horror movie. He puts his manga book down and turns his chair around, facing the door. It’s dark inside the room, as he only has a desk lamp switched on, and the contour of Hyukjae is barely illuminated. Shadows falls upon his bony face, darkening his expression.
Donghae, can we talk?
Hyukjae’s voice is silent, almost as dim as the lights, and Donghae arches an eyebrow.
I’m not really in the mood for scoldings right now, so no.
I... Hyukjae halts, pressing his lips together. I’m not going to. Please hear me out.
Donghae shrugs, and Hyukjae enters the room. He flattens the duvet on Donghae’s bed and sits down carefully, squirming in his seat until he’s remotely comfortable. With a sigh, Donghae crosses his feet on top of the desk and picks up his manga book. He pretends to read it, flips the pages back and forth occasionally, and Hyukjae eventually sighs.
Okay, so, I thought about what you said, Hyukjae says, about Kyuhyun and you.
Donghae freezes, eyes trained at the manga.
I have to admit that, amidst all that’s been going on, the one I’ve paid the least attention to is you. What you said surprised me, to put it that way.
How come? Donghae asks warily, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.
Is it possible… Hyukjae starts, presses his lips together again, then shakes his head. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be, but, do you have feelings for Kyuhyun? Not the “I-want-to-fuck-him” feeling, but more the… You know. Feels.
The questions strikes Donghae like an unexpected punch to the face, and he stammers, trying to find his words. His face is flushed, and he is unsure whether he’s going to be embarrassed or angry that Hyukjae could even ask such a question. Then he asks himself the same question, and he starts to shudder because he already knows the answer.
I… Uhm. I wouldn’t say… Donghae says, but his words thin out and fades. He frowns at the manga in his hand, then looks up at Hyukjae.
Why do you think that? he finally manages to ask, taking a deep breath to steady his composure.
Hyukjae’s expression turns rigid, then forms into a mix of a chuckle and a frown.
You just… seem bitter that Kyuhyun still cares so much about Sungmin, as if you wished he’d cared as much about you when he doesn’t. You seem jealous. That’s why I think that. It doesn’t appear to be just a “I-want-to-fuck-him” type of thing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’ve been friends for a very long time. I know you. Or I think I do.
Donghae looks down at his lap and clenches his fists.
I wish you didn’t.
∞
Are you feeling any progress so far?
What, no. Not really.
Are you doing anything to make progress then?
No, not really.
So you still harbour this feeling of hate.
Yes.
Look, Kyuhyun-
I still see these flashes of images. Images of Sungmin temporarily being dead. I mean, everything in the dorms reminds me of him. The razor when I shave, the white ceiling, the tub in the corner of the bathroom… It’s driving me insane. And it’s all Sungmin’s fault, it’s all his doing, so tell me why it’s wrong to hate him?
I’m not saying any feeling is wrong.
But you still want me to “process” this feeling, to try and see it from his perspective. To forgive him and myself. But that’s bullshit.
Kyuhyun, let’s work with that thing we talked about earlier of-
-Calming down? I’m calm. I’m absolutely calm.
I think you’re falling apart, violently, and you’re letting yourself fall.
∞
The time between August and December flashes by like a blur. They travel to a country, perform, go home, go to another country, go back home. They sing, they dance, they speak, they travel. They sleep, eat, perform, sleep, travel. It’s an endless circle, and Kyuhyun is starting to lose track of himself. He doesn’t know if the sky he looks up on is his home, or if it’s somewhere far away. It could’ve been both. It could’ve been neither. All he knows is that he’s everywhere at once and it’s draining him in ways he can’t describe, confusing him in a manner that has him questioning if he’s really anywhere at all.
Somewhere, sometime before a performance, Donghae grabs Kyuhyun by the arm and asks, Where are we now? Kyuhyun doesn’t really have any answer to it, because he doesn’t know it himself. He looks questioningly toward Jungsu, who usually keeps track, and he mouths 'Nanjing'. Then they are raised upon the stage on ladders, and they flash their best smiles before the music starts.
Kyuhyun feels like crying.
∞
He's shaking. He clasps at the toilet seat, lying his face down to rest. The bitterness in his mouth stings, and he gags on his own bile, making him hurl again. Everything swirls around him. He squints his eyes, but he's only getting more dizzy and he ends up coughing up the remains of his dinner. But it's not enough. He pushes it further, and suddenly red is coming out, macabrely spilling all over the white porcelain.
Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun, I know you're in there. Open up right now.
He turns around in his seat and rests his back against the toilet bowl, casting his head back as he heaves after air. The ceiling light blinds him, and his eyes start running, blodshot and sore.
Don't make me knock down the door.
It's been months since last time, and it has never been this bad. He wonders for a second what's gone wrong, but it's easier to think about what hasn't. He's going to hear it from his therapist. If he ever tells her. He fumbles around before he gets up on his knees, slowly rising up on his feet.
Kyuhyun?
I'm coming, he calls out, but it sounds more like a croak. His fingers flounder around on the top of the toilet until he finds the flush button. The sound is so boomingly loud it almost feels like Kyuhyun is being dragged down in the drain along with the bile and the water.
Kyuhyun!
I'm coming, I'm coming. Jesus.
He heads for the door and halts in front of it, contemplating if it's the smartest thing to do. After all, the entire room reeks of bile and Kyuhyun can't seem to stop his eyes from running. However, he figures it doesn't really matter. He unlocks the door and kicks it, feeling fresh air hit him as it flies open. On the other end there's darkness. Kyuhyun frowns, poking his head out from the door and looking to the sides, but there's no one there. No one at all.
*
p.s. lol kyuhyun is seeing a therapist serves you right you prick
p.s.s. he should see her bc he can't handle his awfulness, not whatever reason he's there now. or, wait a sec...
p.s.s.s. so donghae has feels for kyuhyun. hmm. hmmmmmm
p.s.s.s.s. i think hyukjae has had enough of their bullshit. hyukjae is me
p.s.s.s.s.s. more sungmin in the next part! ｡ﾟ( ﾟ^∀^ﾟ)ﾟ｡
i can't wait for you to see part 2
kyuhae, kyumin / r / 4400w, 4500w
It's been three months since the incident with Sungmin.
notes: part 2 will be out...soon.
warnings: mentions of severe depression and different types of self-harm, also some psychological issues.
foolish people 3
Aug 2010
Tell me again, what happened?
He tried to kill himself.
Kyuhyun, you know what I mean. What really happened?
I…
You spoke earlier about ‘fault’. Whose ‘fault’ was this?
Mine, probably. But mostly his. His.
I see. Do you blame him then, for what he did?
I don’t know, maybe.
I see you’re clenching your fist. What emotions are you experiencing now?
I don’t know. Anger. Guilt. Sick. Hate.
Do you hate him?
Well.
Kyuhyun, do you hate Sungmin, even after all this time?
...Yes.
∞
May 2010
Kyuhyun’s knocking turns frantic, the bathtub behind the closed door slowly filling up. He hears Sungmin’s muted sobs inside, and it feels like his chest is clawed open. He’s scared. The sound of the water crashing down in the tub horrifies him, anxiety latching onto him like a paralysing beast. He’s scared of what Sungmin might do. Scared of what Sungmin is doing.
Please.
He wonders if there’s any way to knock down the door. He looks around himself, eyes frantically searching the room, but it’s empty. Horrified, he stares at the door again.
Please don’t do this.
Kyuhyun lunges at the door, shoulder first, but to no avail. Kyuhyun yells in frustration, knocking violently while calling after Sungmin. There’s no reply and he lunges at the door again, tears forming in his eyes.
Not again.
Hyukjae arrives from the kitchen, stirred from his slumber by the ruckus Kyuhyun makes. Standing at the end of the hallway, he stares wide-eyed at the scene ahead of him, mortified as he watches Kyuhyun attack the door. When the situation dawns upon him, however, his face turns pale.
Where’s Sungmin?
Kyuhyun pauses for a brief moment, eyes moving from Hyukjae to the door. He blinks. Hyukjae raises his eyebrows, and without a word Kyuhyun turns his back at him and leaps for the door, crying out Sungmin's name. Hyukjae runs over to him and bumps into the door in rhythm with Kyuhyun, not sparing the time to ask questions.
The water inside eventually stops.
Both of them halts, eyes meeting, and it’s like the world is set on pause. They hear the slush of the water spilling over the edge, and Hyukjae fumbles before he runs to the kitchen while Kyuhyun starts knocking.
Sungmin! Sungmin, open the door! Come on, goddamn it!
Hyukjae arrives with the fire extinguisher and Kyuhyun steps back, watches as Hyukjae attacks the door handle until it breaks down. Partly amazed that it actually worked, they meet eyes again as the door creaks open. Without hesitation, they push their way inside the bathroom.
Sungmin rushes up from the water, and glares bewildered at Kyuhyun and Hyukjae who stands on top of each other in the doorway. Sungmin’s face is swollen and red, dripping wet and expression hurt. His eyes are gleaming, dark and unreadable, and his hair clings to his forehead like a second skin. Kyuhyun gulps and drops his eyes to the ground, heart racing.
Hyukjae pushes past Kyuhyun and strides toward the tub. Without shame he grabs Sungmin’s upper arm and yanks him up from the water, taking his forearm up front and inspecting it.
Where did you do it? Hyukjae yells, twisting and turning Sungmin’s arm in all directions. Where did you do it?
Sungmin is sobbing, face flushed and water running from his hair and down his face.
Hyukjae, let go of me!
Tell me right now, where did you do it?!
Tears entwine with the water on Sungmin’s face, and he squeezes his eyes shut, sobbing aggravating.
I didn’t do it! I- I didn’t do it!
In the doorway Kyuhyun stands still, staring at the scene ahead of him while trembling. He can’t move. He can’t move, and he clenches his fist as Hyukjae embraces Sungmin tightly-Thank God Sungmin you didn’t-and wonders why he isn’t doing anything, why he’s only standing there like a fool.
Then he remembers it’s all his fault.
∞
Aug 2010
Donghae is squatting by the TV in the living room, shuffling through a row of DVDs. He sighs as his finger gently trails over the back of ‘Titanic’, and wonders why they only have old classics in their dorms. He’s seen most of them a thousand times already, and he’s tired of keeping to the same old. It’s not like he can go watch the new movies at the movie theatre whenever he wants.
A door slams behind him. He doesn’t look up, but instead contemplates whether he’s in the mood at all, until he feels a hand on his shoulder and is suddenly yanked backward. He tumbles to the ground with a surprised cry, a handful of DVDs scattering to the ground along with him. Hyukjae reveals himself over him, eyes ablaze with anger.
What the hell are you doing? Hyukjae barks, and Donghae fumbles.
I was going to ask the same, he retorts, gathering himself up from the floor. However, before he has gotten any further than raising his upper body, Hyukjae pushes him back down with his foot.
No, you sit down and listen to me. Do you have any idea what the hell you’re doing?
Donghae scowls at the foot placed on his torso, pressing his lips together into a fine line.
I was looking for a movie to watch, he mutters, I don’t know what the hell you think you are doing.
Hyukjae doesn’t look impressed.
You know what I’m talking about.
Donghae clenches his fists, looking down at Hyukjae’s legs.
That’s none of your business.
Sungmin is my friend. So is Kyuhyun. So is you. Especially you, Donghae. I mean-
Get lost.
Hyukjae crosses his arms across his chest, head turned to the side. The room seems to go unwaveringly still, and for a moment the air feels so thick Donghae can hardly breathe. His eyes move over to the hallway ahead where a shadow moves.
I can’t let you keep doing this, Hyukjae says then, voice strained. Super Show 3 starts in less than a week. We can’t have the three of you fooling around like this while we’re on tour. I mean, seriously? Nothing has happened since the incident with Sungmin. You keep hurting each other in this vicious circle, and I just can’t bear to watch it anymore!
And what exactly are you going to do about it?
Hyukjae scoffs, still averting his head from Donghae. Donghae sighs. Hyukjae has always been emotional. Every action and every word delivered by Hyukjae is always loaded with so much sentiment that Donghae feels strangled by it, almost claustrophobic. He wonders for a second why Hyukjae bothers at all, because Hyukjae is probably the one who’ll get the most hurt in the end and Hyukjae knows it. Being emotional has its weaknesses, and Donghae thinks that caring too much about others is one of them. However, Hyukjae has a tendency to reach out into the flames to save the moths when they are already ashes. It’s too late.
Did you know that Sungmin could hear us during the night-time? Donghae says then, shaking his head. He was awake, you know, all the time while I was there. He thought I didn’t notice. But I knew. I always knew, and it just made it better. Back then I always knew what Sungmin was thinking. I could see it in his eyes. I see it now, too. He loathes me. He can’t stand the sight of me. Kyuhun as well. We make him sick. But it’s just because he’s jealous, you know. It’s because he can’t let go, because he still loves Kyuhyun even after all this.
Hyukjae stills, arching his eyebrows. He parts his lips as if he wants to speak, but Donghae cuts him to it.
But you know what? There is nothing I can do about any of this no matter how much I know, because ultimately none of this is because of me. Same goes for you.
Donghae rises into a sitting position, and Hyukjae doesn’t stop him.
You know, I never told Kyuhyun to break up with Sungmin, or Sungmin to attempt suicide. All of that wasn’t my doing. So why the hell are you mad at me? Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, and it was Kyuhyun who came to me. I didn’t seek him out, I just didn’t say no.
Donghae takes some time to think, and chuckles.
What Sungmin did has nothing to do with me either. It was his own choice to hurt himself, his own choice to attempt suicide, his own choice to lie there in the room like a fucking pervert, listening in on us. And then there’s you, blaming me for all of this. So, you ask me if I know what I’m doing? It depends on what you think I’m doing. The way I see it, all I’ve done is gotten together with Kyuhyun, and I don’t think you can blame me for that.
Hyukjae wipes his face with his palms and shakes his head.
What you and Kyuhyun do together is one thing and I don't really care about that. However, it concerns me a lot that none of you seem to understand how you included-include-Sungmin in all this. I mean, you continued fucking Kyuhyun while Sungmin was in the room? “It made it better”? Where the hell is your humanity? It's not like he had anywhere to go!
Donghae licks his lips.
Hyukjae, please. It was hardly a one-sided thing.
With a scoff, Hyukjae turns to the side, arms resting at his hips. Then he frowns, as he sees a shadow moving in the hallway, followed by the sound of a door closing.
Are you sure about that, Donghae?
∞
Kyuhyun closes the door behind him and drops to his knees, grasping at the floor to steady himself. Everything swirls around him, and he has a hard time focusing. He had just woken up when he heard ruckus from the living room, where he saw Hyukjae standing on top of Donghae. He couldn’t hear much of their conversation, but he knows what it was about. He leans his back against the door and draws his knees to his chest, wondering if Hyukjae knew about the three of them all along, and how. Then he thinks about Sungmin, and he feels his eyes sting. It’s been three months since Sungmin’s suicide attempt, and the more Kyuhyun thinks about it, the sicker he gets. It’s been three months, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel anymore.
The voices in the living room quiets down, and he hears the front door opening and closing, followed by total silence. He wonders for a second if he’s alone, until there’s a faint knocking on his door.
Kyuhyun? It’s me, Donghae.
Hearing his voice starts something within Kyuhyun, and he rests his head on his knees, inhaling shakily. Donghae has always been a mystery. At one point he's shoving Kyuhyun against the wall, hissing that Kyuhyun's his. The other second he's blurting out how he loves Kyuhyun, and acts like a kicked puppy around him. And now he claims to have known about Sungmin being awake all along? Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to believe anymore, and frankly, he doesn’t know how to even get started.
Come on, open the door. I know you’re in there.
Donghae knocks silently on the door again. Kyuhyun doesn’t speak or move, and he listens quietly to Donghae’s movements. There’s a thud, before it sounds like Donghae sits down on the floor, leaning his back against the door. It’s almost like Kyuhyun can feel Donghae’s back against his, and he shudders.
Look… It’s not what it seems like. Please, if you could just give me a chance to explain-
With a groan, Kyuhyun rises up on his feet and quietly heads for his bed. He doesn’t know what to make out of it, what it all means. Everything confuses him. Donghae confuses him. In fact, he confuses himself and it’s all too much.
Kyuhyun?
He falls down on his bed and cloaks himself in his blanket, covering all but his face like a fortress of duvet. His head is pounding, and he stares out in the air, frowning as everything seems to quiver in front of him. He closes his eyes. Donghae rises and walks away, and eventually the room falls silent again. Kyuhyun lets out a breath. He hears the faint buzz of his computer, and the cackle of the wind colliding with the window, but otherwise it’s entirely quiet. Kyuhyun opens his eyes. Everything is still moving in front of him, and he is starting to feel dizzy.
Squinting slightly, Kyuhyun tries to make out the outline of Sungmin’s side of the room, the darkness cloaking it like a veil. It’s neat, except for the blanket tossed around on the bed. There’s not a lot of stuff otherwise. Kyuhyun thinks he has moved them to other rooms, most likely Hyukjae’s, and perhaps some to Shindong’s apartment.
Sighing by his silly observations, Kyuhyun closes his eyes to sleep. However, he can’t seem to find any peace. As soon as he closes his eyes, images of Sungmin’s naked body covered in blood haunts him. He sees the deep cut on Sungmin’s wrist, and he starts shaking, not noticing he’s crying until his pillow is soaking wet. Drying tear-stains from his face, Kyuhyun grimaces and turns on his back, staring at the ceiling. It’s white, like Sungmin’s face when they got him up from the tub-
Kyuhyun flinches and shakes his head. Everywhere and everything he looks at reminds Kyuhyun of the horrible things he’s seen, and he wonders for a second if his therapist is serious when she says that he should try and move on. Maybe even forgive himself.
He clenches his fists. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. If only Sungmin hadn’t done what he did, and because of him. When the tears eventually dries up, Kyuhyun feels angry. He’s angry that anyone could even think of doing something like that. Killing oneself, and because of another person. Did Sungmin really not know how that would make Kyuhyun feel? How it still makes Kyuhyun feel?
Taking a deep breath, Kyuhyun tries to calm down. He hears the faint buzz from his computer and the wind hitting the window, and he stares up at the ceiling again. White, like Sungmin’s face when they pulled him up from the tub. He lets the thought rest with him for a while and feels his anger return. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. Why couldn’t Sungmin just let go?
With a sigh, Kyuhyun turns over in his bed again and buries his face in his pillow. He never asked for anyone to lean on him. Sungmin and Donghae are both latching onto him like magnets, and Kyuhyun has to push them away once and for all. The only problem is that he doesn't know how.
∞
Come on, don’t be silly. Open the door.
No.
It’s my room as well, you know.
Go away.
Kyuhyun-
Stop bothering me! Why can’t you just stop bothering me?
∞
May 2010
Donghae knocks silently on the door to Kyuhyun’s room. He doesn’t hear anyone inside, but he knows Kyuhyun’s there. Heart hammering in his chest, he pushes the door ajar and sneaks inside, a wall of darkness meeting him on the other side.
He hears the duvet shuffle, and a dark form rises underneath it. He can’t see it, but Donghae feels Kyuhyun’s eyes on him.
Not tonight, Kyuhyun mumbles. Just not tonight.
Is Sungmin here? Donghae asks, but Kyuhyun doesn’t reply. Donghae moves over to Sungmin’s side of the bedroom, which he figures is empty. He sits down on top of Sungmin’s bed and pats on the space beside him. Kyuhyun scoffs.
What do you want?
Come here.
Kyuhyun does. He sits down silently, and Donghae feels his body getting warm, his stomach flip. It’s like a thousand bees swirl inside his stomach, chaotically and fiercely, stinging on his insides. His nervousness numbs his voice, and he grips his thighs, nails digging into his jeans. He’s shaking.
What do you want? Kyuhyun repeats, and Donghae gulps.
Kyuhyun?
Yeah.
I-I love you. You know that, right?
It’s dead silent, and Donghae halfway regrets saying it. He used to say it to see if Kyuhyun would get angry, to check if he still loved Sungmin, but now it feels different for him. However, after what Sungmin did, Kyuhyun has been different. Kyuhyun had started warming up to him, started to accept his kisses, but ever since the incident, he’s been hard to reach. But Donghae only wants him more. Donghae isn’t finished with him.
Kyuhyun-?
Just stop.
Donghae stammers, tries to find his words, but they are like water in his hands. He turns his head to look at Kyuhyun, and as his vision has started to adjust to the darkness, he can see Kyuhyun is facing forward. His expression is dead.
What-
Whatever it is that you’re doing, stop with it right now, Kyuhyun says. I can’t do this right now. Not since… That. Not now.
So you… you seriously still love him then?
Kyuhyun stills for a moment, and it’s like time stops. Donghae can hear his own breathing, and it’s driving him insane. Kyuhyun is driving him insane. Waiting on him like this is nerve-wrecking, like standing beside a train going in slow motion and only watching it as it collides with a wall. Kyuhyun then grips Donghae’s hand without looking.
Let’s go to sleep.
∞
Aug 2010
The group stands like a herd of sheep by the sidewalk, waiting to be let into the van. Kyuhyun draws his coat tighter around himself, the wind outside chilly. He’s sleepy and annoyed, Donghae talking too loud in the morning as usual. He seems to be full of energy, and it irks Kyuhyun to no end. He’s in no way a morning person, nor has he ever been. His annoyance with Donghae in general isn’t helping either.
He is ushered into the van by the people beside him and drops down on a seat. It’s the seat next to the window, and he looks to the side, feeling his stomach drop. Sungmin is sitting there, head resting on the window and eyes closed. Kyuhyun looks to his left hurriedly for a way out, but Ryeowook has just sat down next to him, and he sinks down on his seat with a heavy sigh. Sungmin’s thigh is warm against his, and Kyuhyun feels an urge to cross his legs. However, there’s no space. He’s practically squished up against Sungmin, and staying that way.
Sungmin momentarily stirs from his sleep, and Kyuhyun wants to roll his eyes. Sungmin looks at him briefly, expression unchanging, before he goes back to sleep. Kyuhyun frowns in annoyance, not sure if it’s of Sungmin’s nonchalance or if it’s just Sungmin in general, then looks toward Ryeowook. Ryeowook is already staring at him, one eyebrow raised.
What? Kyuhyun says, widening his eyes.
You’re just so childish, Ryeowook says, shaking his head before putting in his earplugs. Kyuhyun stares at him dumbfounded, opens his mouth to speak. However, Ryeowook is staring out of the window, closed off from any further discussion. Kyuhyun grimaces, then puts in his own earplugs and sleeps.
∞
Donghae hears the door creak open, eerily like in a horror movie. He puts his manga book down and turns his chair around, facing the door. It’s dark inside the room, as he only has a desk lamp switched on, and the contour of Hyukjae is barely illuminated. Shadows falls upon his bony face, darkening his expression.
Donghae, can we talk?
Hyukjae’s voice is silent, almost as dim as the lights, and Donghae arches an eyebrow.
I’m not really in the mood for scoldings right now, so no.
I... Hyukjae halts, pressing his lips together. I’m not going to. Please hear me out.
Donghae shrugs, and Hyukjae enters the room. He flattens the duvet on Donghae’s bed and sits down carefully, squirming in his seat until he’s remotely comfortable. With a sigh, Donghae crosses his feet on top of the desk and picks up his manga book. He pretends to read it, flips the pages back and forth occasionally, and Hyukjae eventually sighs.
Okay, so, I thought about what you said, Hyukjae says, about Kyuhyun and you.
Donghae freezes, eyes trained at the manga.
I have to admit that, amidst all that’s been going on, the one I’ve paid the least attention to is you. What you said surprised me, to put it that way.
How come? Donghae asks warily, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.
Is it possible… Hyukjae starts, presses his lips together again, then shakes his head. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be, but, do you have feelings for Kyuhyun? Not the “I-want-to-fuck-him” feeling, but more the… You know. Feels.
The questions strikes Donghae like an unexpected punch to the face, and he stammers, trying to find his words. His face is flushed, and he is unsure whether he’s going to be embarrassed or angry that Hyukjae could even ask such a question. Then he asks himself the same question, and he starts to shudder because he already knows the answer.
I… Uhm. I wouldn’t say… Donghae says, but his words thin out and fades. He frowns at the manga in his hand, then looks up at Hyukjae.
Why do you think that? he finally manages to ask, taking a deep breath to steady his composure.
Hyukjae’s expression turns rigid, then forms into a mix of a chuckle and a frown.
You just… seem bitter that Kyuhyun still cares so much about Sungmin, as if you wished he’d cared as much about you when he doesn’t. You seem jealous. That’s why I think that. It doesn’t appear to be just a “I-want-to-fuck-him” type of thing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’ve been friends for a very long time. I know you. Or I think I do.
Donghae looks down at his lap and clenches his fists.
I wish you didn’t.
∞
Are you feeling any progress so far?
What, no. Not really.
Are you doing anything to make progress then?
No, not really.
So you still harbour this feeling of hate.
Yes.
Look, Kyuhyun-
I still see these flashes of images. Images of Sungmin temporarily being dead. I mean, everything in the dorms reminds me of him. The razor when I shave, the white ceiling, the tub in the corner of the bathroom… It’s driving me insane. And it’s all Sungmin’s fault, it’s all his doing, so tell me why it’s wrong to hate him?
I’m not saying any feeling is wrong.
But you still want me to “process” this feeling, to try and see it from his perspective. To forgive him and myself. But that’s bullshit.
Kyuhyun, let’s work with that thing we talked about earlier of-
-Calming down? I’m calm. I’m absolutely calm.
I think you’re falling apart, violently, and you’re letting yourself fall.
∞
The time between August and December flashes by like a blur. They travel to a country, perform, go home, go to another country, go back home. They sing, they dance, they speak, they travel. They sleep, eat, perform, sleep, travel. It’s an endless circle, and Kyuhyun is starting to lose track of himself. He doesn’t know if the sky he looks up on is his home, or if it’s somewhere far away. It could’ve been both. It could’ve been neither. All he knows is that he’s everywhere at once and it’s draining him in ways he can’t describe, confusing him in a manner that has him questioning if he’s really anywhere at all.
Somewhere, sometime before a performance, Donghae grabs Kyuhyun by the arm and asks, Where are we now? Kyuhyun doesn’t really have any answer to it, because he doesn’t know it himself. He looks questioningly toward Jungsu, who usually keeps track, and he mouths 'Nanjing'. Then they are raised upon the stage on ladders, and they flash their best smiles before the music starts.
Kyuhyun feels like crying.
∞
He's shaking. He clasps at the toilet seat, lying his face down to rest. The bitterness in his mouth stings, and he gags on his own bile, making him hurl again. Everything swirls around him. He squints his eyes, but he's only getting more dizzy and he ends up coughing up the remains of his dinner. But it's not enough. He pushes it further, and suddenly red is coming out, macabrely spilling all over the white porcelain.
Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun, I know you're in there. Open up right now.
He turns around in his seat and rests his back against the toilet bowl, casting his head back as he heaves after air. The ceiling light blinds him, and his eyes start running, blodshot and sore.
Don't make me knock down the door.
It's been months since last time, and it has never been this bad. He wonders for a second what's gone wrong, but it's easier to think about what hasn't. He's going to hear it from his therapist. If he ever tells her. He fumbles around before he gets up on his knees, slowly rising up on his feet.
Kyuhyun?
I'm coming, he calls out, but it sounds more like a croak. His fingers flounder around on the top of the toilet until he finds the flush button. The sound is so boomingly loud it almost feels like Kyuhyun is being dragged down in the drain along with the bile and the water.
Kyuhyun!
I'm coming, I'm coming. Jesus.
He heads for the door and halts in front of it, contemplating if it's the smartest thing to do. After all, the entire room reeks of bile and Kyuhyun can't seem to stop his eyes from running. However, he figures it doesn't really matter. He unlocks the door and kicks it, feeling fresh air hit him as it flies open. On the other end there's darkness. Kyuhyun frowns, poking his head out from the door and looking to the sides, but there's no one there. No one at all.
*
p.s. lol kyuhyun is seeing a therapist serves you right you prick
p.s.s. he should see her bc he can't handle his awfulness, not whatever reason he's there now. or, wait a sec...
p.s.s.s. so donghae has feels for kyuhyun. hmm. hmmmmmm
p.s.s.s.s. i think hyukjae has had enough of their bullshit. hyukjae is me
p.s.s.s.s.s. more sungmin in the next part! ｡ﾟ( ﾟ^∀^ﾟ)ﾟ｡
i can't wait for you to see part 2