Viking 101: Noah Puckerman's Guide to Living Life Like a Sex Viking

[unequivocally]

This is the kind of shit that Theberrifairy, becca_radcgg and I get into when left to our own devices at long periods of time.

This Lesson in Life brought to you by Noah Puckerman, MSN Messenger, and 3 Girls with far too much time on their hands.

Warning: Language used by a 16 year old boy is behind the cut.
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Noah Puckerman's Guide To Living Life Like a Sex Viking

If any of this offends you, congratulations! You are a human being with feelings and morals.

But you are NO VIKING.

----- Lesson 1: How to Fuck a Woman

• 1.1: Making Love: What's the Difference and How to Avoid It
• 1.2: Positions
• 1.3: Staying Power
• 1.4: Practice
• 1.5: Self-love
• 1.6: Locations for Maximum Exhibitionism
• 1.7: Virgins: Bagging a Ripe One
  • 1.7.1: How To Avoid Her Thinking You're "Dating" Afterwards
  • 1.7.2: Ruining Her For Other Men: Making Sure She Keeps Coming Back For More
  • 1.7.3: Some Virgins Are Worth the Trouble: Spotting a Keeper
• 1.8: What to Say to Get Out As Fast As Possible With Minimal Mess
  • 1.8.1: “I’ll call you”: There’s a Reason It’s a Classic

Lesson 2: How to Sneak in a Window at 2 AM Without Waking the Parental Units

• 2.1: Tree Climbing 101
• 2.2: Trellises Are Your Friends
• 2.3: Setting Up A Ladder Ahead of Time
• 2.4: Building Upper Body Strength
• 2.5: Proper Footwear
• 2.6: Finding the Right Window!
• 2.7: How to Open and Close a Window with Minimal Noise
• 2.8: How to Avoid Looking Like a Serial Killer (unless she's into that)
  • 2.8.1: How to Break Up With a Girl Because She's Into Serial Killers
• 2.9: How to Jimmy Open a Lock With Only a Toothpick

Lesson 3: How to Make That Girl-Who-Isn't-Your-Girlfriend-But-You-Still-Sort-Of-Have-Some-Strings-Attached Forget That You Totally Blew Her Off Last Night

• 3.1: Faking Amnesia: What Are the Tell-Tale Signs?
• 3.2: Deflection, Deflection, Deflection
• 3.3: A Beginner's Guide to Personal, Unavoidable Tragedies
• 3.4: How to Fake Tears Properly

Lesson 4: How to Ask For a Blowjob and Make Her Think It Was Her Idea

• 4.1: Subliminal Messages
• 4.2: How to Play the “But my ex-girlfriend did it” Card Without Ruining All Chances
• 4.3: Repeat After Me: "If you really loved me..."
• 4.4: Playing on Her Need to Succeed
• 4.5: “You don't have to...”
  • 4.5.1: “..but I know someone who would.”

Lesson 5: Boys Who Think Your Not-Girlfriend is Fair Game - A Guide to Mass Violence

• 5.1: Marking your territory
  • 5.1.1: Without Peeing On Her (unless she’s into that)

• 5.2: How to Perfect the Right Hook
  • 5.2.1: How to Avoid Expulsion

• 5.3: How to Make Her Feel Guilty For Talking to Other Guys
• 5.4: How to Relay Promise Of Pain With Just the Twitch Of An Eye
• 5.5: Five Ways to Say "Fuck off" Without Actually Saying "Fuck off"
• 5.6: Dumpster Diving: An Artform.
• 5.7: Slushies: Embarrassing and Tasty.
  • 5.7.1: Slushies: Bullying or Flirting? Why not both?

Lesson 6: How to Survive a Dinner With Her Two Dads (who are giving you the stink eye cause you think they may have heard her last night when you went down on her)

• 6.1: When Gay Jokes are NOT Funny
• 6.2: Unknown Fact: Just Because They Are Gay, They May Still Be Able to Kick Your Ass
• 6.3: Eye contact: How to Make it Look As Though You Are Meeting Their Eyes
  • 6.3.1: Earlobes Are Your Friends
• 6.4: Acceptable Dinner Conversation That Does Not Start With "Your daughter is a wildcat"
• 6.5: What To Do When They Bring Up Their Daughter's Bedroom: Spotting a Trap
  • 6.5.1: How To Pretend As If You've Never Seen Her Bed In Your Life
• 6.6: How to Pull Off Fingering Her at the Dinner Table
  • 6.6.1: Practicing Digital Dexterity: Helps Football AND Sex
• 6.7: How to Receive a Handjob While Discussing the Weather
• 6.8: How to Work Sitting Across From Her to Your Advantage

Lesson 7: Oral Sex: Cheating?

• 7.1: If She Is Involved in Any Way, Yes, No Question, Tell Her Off and Kill Him
• 7.2: If You Are Involved:
  • 7.2.1: Playing Dead
  • 7.2.2: “It Wasn't Me!”
  • 7.2.3: Pulling Off the "Who are you going to believe? Me, or some ho?" Conversation Properly
• 7.3: Defining Cheating With Her to Avoid Future Problems
  • 7.3.1: Loopholes!

Lesson 8: Hooking Up on School Grounds

• 8.1: Sexting During Class 101
• 8.2: How to Lock the Girl's Bathroom Without a Key
• 8.3: How to Spot the Soundproof Rooms in Any Building (WARNING: Locker Rooms Echo)
• 8.4: Auditoriums: Bringing out her exhibitionist side
• 8.5: Contortionism: Fitting Two People into the Janitor's Closet
• 8.6: Football Field: Comfort vs. Grass Stains, the Pros & Cons
• 8.7: Inventive Ways to Use the Sink
• 8.8: Behind the Bleachers: Visiting a Classic
• 8.9: Public Showers: Not Just For Showering Anymore
• 8.10: Teacher's Desks: The Holy Grail

Lesson 9: The Differences Between a Mohawk and a Brazilian bikini wax

• 9.1: THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

Lesson 10: Babymama Drama

• 10.1: "I love baby is not I love mommy": How to Explain Without Confusion
• 10.2: Cravings: What Not to Do
• 10.3: How to Break the News to Your Not-a-Girlfriend
• 10.4: Making Your Peace With Bodily Fluids
• 10.5: Hormones Are the Enemy
• 10.6: Don't Be a Fool, Wrap Your Tool (next time)
• 10.7: Fat Jokes: How to Get Through 9 Months Without Cracking One
• 10.8: How to Convince Fake Daddy to Handle All the Gross Shit
  • 10.8.1: How to Befriend Finn Hudson 
• 10.9: Lamaze Classes for Dummies
• 10.10: Baby Books That Belong in the Freezer
  • 10.10.1: Baby-MAKING Books For Your Pleasure.
• 10.11: The Big Day: How to Not Lose Your Shit.
  • 10.11.1: How to Convince Your Not-a-Girlfriend That You Need Her There Without Her Thinking You Mean Anything By It

Lesson 11: Review

Lesson 12: Exam: What Have We Learned?

Lesson 13: Ways to Fake a Sincere-Looking Apology

• 13.1: How to Fake Tears: A Review
• 13.2: Practice, Practice, Practice
• 13.3: How Not to Laugh While Saying "I'm sorry"
• 13.4: Five Ways to Say I'm Sorry Without Actually Saying It
• 13.5: How to Blame Her When All Else Fails
• 13.6: Eye Contact is Your Enemy: How to Keep Your Eyes Everywhere But On Hers
  • 13.6.1: How to Avoid Staring at Her Breasts.
• 13.7: The "I love you" (USE WITH CAUTION)

Lesson 14: Being Friends With Losers

• 14.1: Clever Disguises
• 14.2: Outright Lies
  • 14.2.1: The "They’re cousins from out of town" Charade
• 14.3: How to Acknowledge a Geek in the Halls Without Anyone Realizing
  • 14.3.1: The Nod
  • 14.3.2: The Chin Lift
  • 14.3.3: Eye Contact
  • 14.3.4: The Wink (CHICKS ONLY)
• 14.4: How to Instill Fear in the Student Body Using Violence and Glowers When All Else Fails

Lesson 15: The Direct Correlation Between Crazy & Hot: An In-Depth Study

• 15.1: Rachel Berry: An Advanced Study
• 15.2: Insanity in the Bedroom: A Pleasant Surprise
• 15.3: When Crazy Gets Really Crazy: How to Deal
  • 15.3.1: How to Tune Out Her Voice Without Her Losing Her Shit
• 15.4: How to Spot the Crazy Ones Without So Much As a Conversation
• 15.5: Turning a Diva Moment Into a Spitfire Moment: How to Turn Fighting in to Angry Sex
• 15.6: How to Diffuse a Full-On Diva Fit With Minimal Injuries
  • 15.6.1: VITAL INFORMATION: Protecting Your Junk When She's in One Of Her Tirades.
• 15.7: Crazy > Normal (TRUST)

Lesson 16: Half-Assing Your Way Through Glee Club

• 16.1: How to Mimic Singing and Dancing While Standing As Still As Possible
  • 16.1.1: Saying the Vowels, Not the Words
  • 16.1.2: Following the Leader
  • 16.1.3: Man-Dancing: A Lesson in Shifting Your Weight
• 16.2: Offering Your Skills As a Guitarist
• 16.3: One Solo = Weeks of Them Them Laying Off You
• 16.4: Ballads: The Benefits of Going Commando
• 16.5: "I think Rachel deserves the solo": The Golden Ticket

Lesson 17: Proper Sex-Tape Etiquette

• 17.1: “All the stars have sex tapes”: Getting Her to Agree
• 17.2: Consent is Crucial (and prevents jail-time)
• 17.3: Checking ID: A Vital Step in the Process.
• 17.4: What Not to Say
• 17.5: Changing Angles: Awesome, But Unnecessary
• 17.6: Positioning: How to Ensure She Receives the Most Camera Time
• 17.7: Publishing: How to Share It With Your Homeboys Without Her Finding Out
  • 17.7.1: How to Save Your Ass When She Finds Out
• 17.8: Private Viewings: Waiting Till the Parents Are Out Of Town
  • 17.8.1: LABELLING TAPES PROPERLY
  • 17.8.2: What to Do When You Leave the Tape in the Recorder and Your Mom Finds It
• 17.9: Sequels: Once More, With Feeling.

Lesson 18: Dealing With Ex-Girlfriends, Ex-Lovers, Ex-Cougars, YOUR MOM

• 18.1: A Clean Break is Everybody's Friend
• 18.2: What to Do When You've Played the "I love you" Card
• 18.3: Break-Up Sex: You No Longer Have to Worry If She Gets Off
• 18.4: The Girl Who Just Won't Quit: What to Do When She's Standing Outside Your Door at 3 AM, Naked
  • 18.4.1: The Post-Break-Up Sex
    • 18.4.1.1: How to Explain That You’re Still Broken-Up
• 18.5: Keeping a Detailed List For Future Reference, Most Likely Medical (EVEN VIKINGS PLAY RESPONSIBLY)
• 18.6: What To Do When Your Ex is Your Friend's Mom
  • 18.6.1: How to Avoid Being Friends with Mike Chang
• 18.7: Avoid Using Names: Pet Names for Any Occasion and Location

Lesson 19: How to Have the "We're just friends" Talk

• 19.1: How to Remind Her That Even Being Your Friend is An Honour
• 19.2: Friends Can Still Have Sex: How to Convince Her to Enjoy the Benefits
• 19.3: When She Uses the Line on You
  • 19.3.1: The Storm-Out
  • 19.3.2: The Silent Treatment

Lesson 20: Logical and Scientific Explanations for Why That One Crazy Girl May Actually Start Being an Important Fixture in Your Life

• 20.1: You're not in love with her
  • 20.1.1: Really, you're not
    • 20.1.1.1: Fucking Hell