not yet
>> not yet
TITLE: not yet
AUTHOR:
ultraviolet9a
SPOILER: for 3.12. Like, a lot.
GENRE: gen
CHARACTERS: The Winchesters and characters from 3.12
SUMMARY: Set right after 3.12. Can’t say anything without giving spoilers.
RATING: PG13
FEEDBACK: Dude…duh.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own them. Sucks. (The twists, however, are mine.)
NOTE: for
daydream03. She wanted a Dean piece. Well. It is. I think. Sort of. I hope.
NOTE1: beta by shiny
pdragon76.
I aten’t dead yet.
-Esme Weatherwax
(the Discworld Series, Terry Pratchett.)
Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.
Democritus said that. That line somehow stuck in my brain. Ironic, I know.
Anyway, it’s bad. Very bad. And neither of the Winchesters have come unscathed out of it. I don’t think they ever do. I’ve been enlightened this way. The end of the clearing always holds the best view.
.:::.
The next few days are bad. Rain falls down in the same steady cadence and Sam Winchester is silent, and this Sam is different from the one Dean knows, and the rain claims up all the silence and makes it song. Oh, I guess he had seen the small signs coming way back, but this Sam acts as if he’s aged ten years in silence and solitude over the span of a day. Or so Dean Winchester says. Sam seems to eye everything with surgical precision and the mentality of a gunslinger.
Dean asks him what happened to the ‘saving people’ part. Sam looks at the big chessboard their life has become and seems to be willing to take out pawns in order to win the game. And Dean tries to explain to him that pawns are important, pawns are what the whole battle is all about. Noble intentions he has (yes, I do see the irony here), but I’ve got to go with Sam on this one. You’ve got to watch the bigger picture.
But Dean says this is Ruby thinking. The fact that Sam flows that way is just… plain wrong. Dean grumbles, looks at the light flickering, flexes his shoulder, then takes out what he calls an EMF reader, but to me it looks like a walkman.
“We need to find the Colt,” he says.
“We need to kill Bela,” Sam replies.
“Well, at least we agree on one thing. Huh. Funny readings.”
“Everything’s been salted and barred,” Sam says. “I think this flickering might be just the storm for once.”
“But the EMF reader…”
“Maybe the EMF reader is wrong.”
“Dude. Seriously.”
Dean sounds insulted.
They are quiet for a while.
“You know we can’t trust Ruby, don’t you, Sam? Despite everything,” Dean says. “You know that we’re alone in this. We’re always alone in this shit.”
“Yeah.”
They remain silent after that. Sam falls asleep and Dean takes up the first watch.
I stay as I am.
Just because they set watches, doesn’t mean they don’t need an extra pair of eyes.
Nancy’s hand is small in mine.
We’re still getting used to this.
Time is irrelevant.
.:::.
“Why can’t they see us?” Nancy asks.
Must be a few days now, cuz the motel room is a different one. Not that we’re sure what happened. Sometimes we simply return to darkness and when we get back it’s like waking up. Guess it’s like sleeping. Guess the whole myth thing about Death and Sleep being brothers isn’t a coincidence.
“Maybe we need a bit more time, to grow stronger. Grow accustomed to… this.”
“Okay.”
It was a shining light for her. It was a corridor for me. It had doors that were a lot like FBI offices, except something felt off about them. Not sure if that was supposed to be Heaven or Hell. Either way, neither of us stayed to either place.
Next thing I know there’s darkness and this scary floating thing looming about. Like a wraith. Not that I’ve ever seen one, but if I had, I’m sure it’d look like that. And I see Nancy. I take her by the hand and we run away from it, and then everything fades out and back in. The Winchesters.
It’s just my fucking luck that both my life and afterlife are about them. Talk about mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.
.:::.
Dean Winchester walks out of the shower, towel draped around his hips.
“I should have had lots of sex with him while I was alive,” Nancy sighs and my head swerves to her.
“What?” she asks. “I’m dead, not blind.” She kisses my cheek. She’s still really sweet, but I guess death is liberating that way. I start laughing, and then she laughs too, hiding her mouth behind her palm, and then Dean is yelling what the fuck, Sam wake up and reaching for the shotgun.
Huh. What do you know. Guess we did grow accustomed to this.
.:::.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dean says. He’s dressed. I made sure Nancy didn’t follow him into the bathroom when he changed. Sam cradles the shotgun. “You’ve been down our ass the last twelve months, and now you’re down our ass in your afterlife? Talk about a one-track mind here.”
Dean’s hand hasn’t let go of his own shotgun, either. I approve. Soldiers all the way, not trusting anyone. That’s war, alright.
“I don’t know much about ghosts,” I say. “But I don’t think we’re here to hurt you. Hell, we just learnt to manifest and that by accident.”
“What happened?”
I tell them about Lilith. Nancy is close to me as I narrate, her small frame under the crook of my arm. Her shoulders tremble.
“She was just a kid,” she says quietly after I’m done. “Just this sweet little girl. It’s just…”
“We’ll figure it out,” Dean reassures. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Why are we still here?” she asks. She hasn’t moved.
“Ghosts stay back because they don’t let go,” Sam says. “They have unfinished business. Revenge, love, hate. Sometimes they’re stuck in the same loop all over again. Sometimes they don’t remember what happened. Sometimes they go crazy with rage.”
I shake my head.
“No. We’re not homicidal. And we remember everything. Frankly, we’re just the way you left us. Minus the being dead part.”
They exchange glances.
“We should help you move on,” Sam says.
“How?” Nancy asks.
“When you salt and burn the body, the ghost moves on. In most cases.”
“Son,” I say, “there’s nothing left of us to salt and burn.”
“Well… talking about unfinished business,” Dean says. His hand scratches the back of his head. It’s almost shy. He points at Nancy. “Maybe it’s cuz you died… a… a…”
“A virgin?” she says. “You can say the word, you know. It’s not like a curse or anything.”
“Well, it’s just that…” His hand twirls in the air, completing his thought instead of words. Well, I’ll be damned. I think Nancy has rocked his inner foundation of everything that’s right in the world.
“If you have sex, you’ll move on,” Sam says, rolling his eyes. “That’s what Dean’s trying to say.”
“Not working,” I say. This should be awkward, but it’s amazing how many things you don’t give a shit about when you’re no longer living.
“You mean you and…” Dean points at Nancy, then me.
“Ghosts can have sex?” Sam asks frowning. Talk about his inner foundation rocking.
Then Dean is grinning like crazy.
“You go, girl!” he says to Nancy. I swear there is pride in his voice. If she wasn’t a ghost he’d have punched her shoulder. Then he turns to me.
“Well, you sly son of a gun. You know, Nancy, I believe you could do a lot better than that.”
She grins.
“Hey,” I say. “Watch your mouth. Show some respect for the dead.”
I’m grinning too. It’s hard not to. Once you make up your mind that the Winchesters aren’t the bad guys, it’s hard not to like them.
“Okay,” Nancy cuts in. “Then what are we still doing here?”
Dean sighs. Out of the pocket of his jeans he slips a rosary.
.:::.
Turns out it’s Nancy’s rosary. Sam had stolen it and blessed the water before he shoved the possessed me in the toilet.
“I just…” Dean says. “I meant to give it back to you afterwards, but I wasn’t sure you’d have it considering where it’s been. I did wash it, though.”
She smiles.
“So, I’m tied to you guys, because I’m tied to the rosary?” she asks.
“Which explains why no salt kept you out. You were already here with us,” Sam says. “Right. So, if we salt and burn this, you’ll move on.”
Now, wait a minute. No. We can’t move on. Not yet.
“What about Victor? Where’s he tied to?” Dean asks. Wrong question. Wrong cuz it’s right. I don’t want to explain.
“I don’t think that’s why we stayed behind,” I say. It’s not a complete lie. “I think I stayed behind to make up for the bad guys I didn’t catch when I was alive. I think I’m meant to stay here and help you with whatever it is you do.”
“I want to help, too.” Nancy says. She’s resolute. And there’s that edge again, same one as when she offered herself as a sacrifice. Nancy contains light. It gives her more backbone than anyone I’ve ever seen, the need to do good.
“No,” Sam says. “You need to move on.”
“No, Sam, they don’t.” Dean’s voice is angry. “What, Sam? We need help. Any help.”
“But they’re…”
“Ghosts?” he says. “So, it’s alright to have a demon as an ally but not ghosts? Dammit Sam, I trust Nancy and Victor. They’ve earned it. I still don’t trust Ruby.”
“She’s earned it, too,” Sam says.
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“Different how, Dean?”
“Just different, alright? Trust me on this one.”
Smart, smart boy.
Seems such a waste now, such a waste to have hated them for so long. Death is enlightening. Along with respect and gratitude, there is also caring.
I want to help them. Their cause is against Lilith and that makes it my cause.
Besides… if we move on… maybe Nancy and I will get separated. I promised I’d get her through. I promised I’d protect her. If I failed in life, I won’t fail again.
“We’ll stay,” I say. “You lay down the house rules, but we’ll stay.”
“You’re not alone in this,” Nancy says. She looks like an angel. “You’re not alone in this, don’t you understand?”
And that moment, they do. The lines ease on their face and the world seems to breathe around them again.
“We’re sorry we couldn’t protect you,” Dean whispers. His eyes are glued to the floor.
“But we will protect you,” I reply. “Now, you were talking about a Bela and a colt. Fill me in.”
.:::.
And that’s how it starts. Moving through ether, communicating with other realms, finding the location of the Colt. Finding how it connects to Lilith. Riding in the back of the Impala with them, Dean complaining about the static we create, but always grinning. Sam’s shoulders a bit less stiff in the front seat.
And Nancy and me, we’re not angry or in a loop or vengeful. Guess we’re special ghosts and Deans calls me Casper when I say that. It’s alright. They’re my boys now.
“Nancy and me, we found you,” I say. “Do you understand now why you are going to die, Bela?”
I don’t think she ever believed she’d get caught. She underestimated the Winchesters. She underestimated their friends. Same mistake I always made.
“We can strike a deal,” she says. Playing it cool, still gripping on to any edge she can find that will hold her back from the abyss.
“No deal, Bela,” Sam says. “You worked with Lilith. You chose your side.”
He doesn’t flinch when he shoots. Neither does Dean.
Nancy’s hand is in mine, but she watches. The boys burn the body. Salt and fire. They show more mercy than I would. Or maybe they’re just making sure that she’s off the game.
And Nancy watches. She’s got to learn that not all pawns are worth pitying. I’m proud of her.
War is still around us. But our side of the chessboard has better odds now.
I guess Democritus underestimated opinion.
“Let’s go,” Dean says.
We leave.
-The End.
SIDENOTE: I woke up with this thought in my head at 7.40 in the morning, on Saturday, 23 February 2008. I started writing and finished at around 9.00.
Because this episode made me love the show so much more.. But it also hurt me so much, you know? It gutted me.
The end of the clearing expression that Victor uses is a shout-out to Roland of Gilead again. I know, I know. I can’t harness my loves.
TITLE: not yet
AUTHOR:
ultraviolet9a
SPOILER: for 3.12. Like, a lot.
GENRE: gen
CHARACTERS: The Winchesters and characters from 3.12
SUMMARY: Set right after 3.12. Can’t say anything without giving spoilers.
RATING: PG13
FEEDBACK: Dude…duh.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own them. Sucks. (The twists, however, are mine.)
NOTE: for
daydream03. She wanted a Dean piece. Well. It is. I think. Sort of. I hope.
NOTE1: beta by shiny
pdragon76.
I aten’t dead yet.
-Esme Weatherwax
(the Discworld Series, Terry Pratchett.)
Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.
Democritus said that. That line somehow stuck in my brain. Ironic, I know.
Anyway, it’s bad. Very bad. And neither of the Winchesters have come unscathed out of it. I don’t think they ever do. I’ve been enlightened this way. The end of the clearing always holds the best view.
.:::.
The next few days are bad. Rain falls down in the same steady cadence and Sam Winchester is silent, and this Sam is different from the one Dean knows, and the rain claims up all the silence and makes it song. Oh, I guess he had seen the small signs coming way back, but this Sam acts as if he’s aged ten years in silence and solitude over the span of a day. Or so Dean Winchester says. Sam seems to eye everything with surgical precision and the mentality of a gunslinger.
Dean asks him what happened to the ‘saving people’ part. Sam looks at the big chessboard their life has become and seems to be willing to take out pawns in order to win the game. And Dean tries to explain to him that pawns are important, pawns are what the whole battle is all about. Noble intentions he has (yes, I do see the irony here), but I’ve got to go with Sam on this one. You’ve got to watch the bigger picture.
But Dean says this is Ruby thinking. The fact that Sam flows that way is just… plain wrong. Dean grumbles, looks at the light flickering, flexes his shoulder, then takes out what he calls an EMF reader, but to me it looks like a walkman.
“We need to find the Colt,” he says.
“We need to kill Bela,” Sam replies.
“Well, at least we agree on one thing. Huh. Funny readings.”
“Everything’s been salted and barred,” Sam says. “I think this flickering might be just the storm for once.”
“But the EMF reader…”
“Maybe the EMF reader is wrong.”
“Dude. Seriously.”
Dean sounds insulted.
They are quiet for a while.
“You know we can’t trust Ruby, don’t you, Sam? Despite everything,” Dean says. “You know that we’re alone in this. We’re always alone in this shit.”
“Yeah.”
They remain silent after that. Sam falls asleep and Dean takes up the first watch.
I stay as I am.
Just because they set watches, doesn’t mean they don’t need an extra pair of eyes.
Nancy’s hand is small in mine.
We’re still getting used to this.
Time is irrelevant.
.:::.
“Why can’t they see us?” Nancy asks.
Must be a few days now, cuz the motel room is a different one. Not that we’re sure what happened. Sometimes we simply return to darkness and when we get back it’s like waking up. Guess it’s like sleeping. Guess the whole myth thing about Death and Sleep being brothers isn’t a coincidence.
“Maybe we need a bit more time, to grow stronger. Grow accustomed to… this.”
“Okay.”
It was a shining light for her. It was a corridor for me. It had doors that were a lot like FBI offices, except something felt off about them. Not sure if that was supposed to be Heaven or Hell. Either way, neither of us stayed to either place.
Next thing I know there’s darkness and this scary floating thing looming about. Like a wraith. Not that I’ve ever seen one, but if I had, I’m sure it’d look like that. And I see Nancy. I take her by the hand and we run away from it, and then everything fades out and back in. The Winchesters.
It’s just my fucking luck that both my life and afterlife are about them. Talk about mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.
.:::.
Dean Winchester walks out of the shower, towel draped around his hips.
“I should have had lots of sex with him while I was alive,” Nancy sighs and my head swerves to her.
“What?” she asks. “I’m dead, not blind.” She kisses my cheek. She’s still really sweet, but I guess death is liberating that way. I start laughing, and then she laughs too, hiding her mouth behind her palm, and then Dean is yelling what the fuck, Sam wake up and reaching for the shotgun.
Huh. What do you know. Guess we did grow accustomed to this.
.:::.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dean says. He’s dressed. I made sure Nancy didn’t follow him into the bathroom when he changed. Sam cradles the shotgun. “You’ve been down our ass the last twelve months, and now you’re down our ass in your afterlife? Talk about a one-track mind here.”
Dean’s hand hasn’t let go of his own shotgun, either. I approve. Soldiers all the way, not trusting anyone. That’s war, alright.
“I don’t know much about ghosts,” I say. “But I don’t think we’re here to hurt you. Hell, we just learnt to manifest and that by accident.”
“What happened?”
I tell them about Lilith. Nancy is close to me as I narrate, her small frame under the crook of my arm. Her shoulders tremble.
“She was just a kid,” she says quietly after I’m done. “Just this sweet little girl. It’s just…”
“We’ll figure it out,” Dean reassures. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Why are we still here?” she asks. She hasn’t moved.
“Ghosts stay back because they don’t let go,” Sam says. “They have unfinished business. Revenge, love, hate. Sometimes they’re stuck in the same loop all over again. Sometimes they don’t remember what happened. Sometimes they go crazy with rage.”
I shake my head.
“No. We’re not homicidal. And we remember everything. Frankly, we’re just the way you left us. Minus the being dead part.”
They exchange glances.
“We should help you move on,” Sam says.
“How?” Nancy asks.
“When you salt and burn the body, the ghost moves on. In most cases.”
“Son,” I say, “there’s nothing left of us to salt and burn.”
“Well… talking about unfinished business,” Dean says. His hand scratches the back of his head. It’s almost shy. He points at Nancy. “Maybe it’s cuz you died… a… a…”
“A virgin?” she says. “You can say the word, you know. It’s not like a curse or anything.”
“Well, it’s just that…” His hand twirls in the air, completing his thought instead of words. Well, I’ll be damned. I think Nancy has rocked his inner foundation of everything that’s right in the world.
“If you have sex, you’ll move on,” Sam says, rolling his eyes. “That’s what Dean’s trying to say.”
“Not working,” I say. This should be awkward, but it’s amazing how many things you don’t give a shit about when you’re no longer living.
“You mean you and…” Dean points at Nancy, then me.
“Ghosts can have sex?” Sam asks frowning. Talk about his inner foundation rocking.
Then Dean is grinning like crazy.
“You go, girl!” he says to Nancy. I swear there is pride in his voice. If she wasn’t a ghost he’d have punched her shoulder. Then he turns to me.
“Well, you sly son of a gun. You know, Nancy, I believe you could do a lot better than that.”
She grins.
“Hey,” I say. “Watch your mouth. Show some respect for the dead.”
I’m grinning too. It’s hard not to. Once you make up your mind that the Winchesters aren’t the bad guys, it’s hard not to like them.
“Okay,” Nancy cuts in. “Then what are we still doing here?”
Dean sighs. Out of the pocket of his jeans he slips a rosary.
.:::.
Turns out it’s Nancy’s rosary. Sam had stolen it and blessed the water before he shoved the possessed me in the toilet.
“I just…” Dean says. “I meant to give it back to you afterwards, but I wasn’t sure you’d have it considering where it’s been. I did wash it, though.”
She smiles.
“So, I’m tied to you guys, because I’m tied to the rosary?” she asks.
“Which explains why no salt kept you out. You were already here with us,” Sam says. “Right. So, if we salt and burn this, you’ll move on.”
Now, wait a minute. No. We can’t move on. Not yet.
“What about Victor? Where’s he tied to?” Dean asks. Wrong question. Wrong cuz it’s right. I don’t want to explain.
“I don’t think that’s why we stayed behind,” I say. It’s not a complete lie. “I think I stayed behind to make up for the bad guys I didn’t catch when I was alive. I think I’m meant to stay here and help you with whatever it is you do.”
“I want to help, too.” Nancy says. She’s resolute. And there’s that edge again, same one as when she offered herself as a sacrifice. Nancy contains light. It gives her more backbone than anyone I’ve ever seen, the need to do good.
“No,” Sam says. “You need to move on.”
“No, Sam, they don’t.” Dean’s voice is angry. “What, Sam? We need help. Any help.”
“But they’re…”
“Ghosts?” he says. “So, it’s alright to have a demon as an ally but not ghosts? Dammit Sam, I trust Nancy and Victor. They’ve earned it. I still don’t trust Ruby.”
“She’s earned it, too,” Sam says.
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“Different how, Dean?”
“Just different, alright? Trust me on this one.”
Smart, smart boy.
Seems such a waste now, such a waste to have hated them for so long. Death is enlightening. Along with respect and gratitude, there is also caring.
I want to help them. Their cause is against Lilith and that makes it my cause.
Besides… if we move on… maybe Nancy and I will get separated. I promised I’d get her through. I promised I’d protect her. If I failed in life, I won’t fail again.
“We’ll stay,” I say. “You lay down the house rules, but we’ll stay.”
“You’re not alone in this,” Nancy says. She looks like an angel. “You’re not alone in this, don’t you understand?”
And that moment, they do. The lines ease on their face and the world seems to breathe around them again.
“We’re sorry we couldn’t protect you,” Dean whispers. His eyes are glued to the floor.
“But we will protect you,” I reply. “Now, you were talking about a Bela and a colt. Fill me in.”
.:::.
And that’s how it starts. Moving through ether, communicating with other realms, finding the location of the Colt. Finding how it connects to Lilith. Riding in the back of the Impala with them, Dean complaining about the static we create, but always grinning. Sam’s shoulders a bit less stiff in the front seat.
And Nancy and me, we’re not angry or in a loop or vengeful. Guess we’re special ghosts and Deans calls me Casper when I say that. It’s alright. They’re my boys now.
“Nancy and me, we found you,” I say. “Do you understand now why you are going to die, Bela?”
I don’t think she ever believed she’d get caught. She underestimated the Winchesters. She underestimated their friends. Same mistake I always made.
“We can strike a deal,” she says. Playing it cool, still gripping on to any edge she can find that will hold her back from the abyss.
“No deal, Bela,” Sam says. “You worked with Lilith. You chose your side.”
He doesn’t flinch when he shoots. Neither does Dean.
Nancy’s hand is in mine, but she watches. The boys burn the body. Salt and fire. They show more mercy than I would. Or maybe they’re just making sure that she’s off the game.
And Nancy watches. She’s got to learn that not all pawns are worth pitying. I’m proud of her.
War is still around us. But our side of the chessboard has better odds now.
I guess Democritus underestimated opinion.
“Let’s go,” Dean says.
We leave.
-The End.
SIDENOTE: I woke up with this thought in my head at 7.40 in the morning, on Saturday, 23 February 2008. I started writing and finished at around 9.00.
Because this episode made me love the show so much more.. But it also hurt me so much, you know? It gutted me.
The end of the clearing expression that Victor uses is a shout-out to Roland of Gilead again. I know, I know. I can’t harness my loves.