lost fic - "the other side of hope"
"the other side of hope"
title: the other side of hope
author:
uhzoomzip
rating: PG
genre: j/s angst, with a healthy dose of schmoop to start the year off right!
summary: old demons come back to haunt sawyer on new year's eve
disclaimer: not my sandbox, but i enjoy playing in it.
author's notes: off-island future-fic. spoilers for 'confidence man'.
it happens every so often. it's happened before, and he is sure it will happen again. though he doesn't quite understand it, jack does his best to tolerate it. sawyer's always been vague about his past; he knows that his parents are dead, killed by his father's hand, and that he had been shuffled through foster care, although sawyer has never told him the details. but during these times, times sawyer feels he must shroud himself in alcohol-soaked layers of bitterness and aggression, jack knows there is more to the story. it was something pretty bad, horrific probably, but sawyer 's never been forthcoming with details.
jack can never anticipate when it will hit; it's never on a certain date or time of the year. but when jack comes home after a long shift to a dark house on new year's eve, he has a pretty good idea of what to expect. after removing his coat and silently padding through the house (not a creature was stirring, he thinks to himself), he finds sawyer on the floor in the bedroom, slouched against the bed, bottle of JD nearly gone. he is staring blankly up towards the window, and jack can't help but notice how beautiful he looks, his features illuminated by the blue glow of moonlight.
"hey," he says softly, still standing in the doorway, fiddling absently with the tie on the pants of his scrubs.
"'sup doc," sawyer doesn't turn his eyes away from the window, but his use of the nickname he abandoned after their time on the island is a verbal measurement of the distance he's trying to put between them.
"you drink all that today?" jack asks lightly, unable to stop the doctor in him from seeping through.
finally, sawyer turns his face to him, glaring. "what the hell business is that of yours, jackass? what, you my daddy now?" sawyer's breath catches slightly on daddy. "i don't got to answer to you. i ain't got to answer to nobody. so why don't you just leave me the hell alone?"
jack ignores the vitriol and refuses to let himself be baited. "why don't you get into bed and i'll get you some water?" he steps forward and leans down to take the bottle from sawyer, who yanks it away furiously. the look in his eyes tells jack he's itching for a fight, and it takes every ounce of jack's patience not to acquiesce. he takes a deep breath, and forces himself to be calm, "or are you going to finish it?"
sawyer continues to glare with hooded eyes, but jack can see him working something through in his head. each time, it gets a little bit better, like he realizes there's something good here and doesn't want to drive jack away even if his pain is overwhelming. even if he still doesn't think he deserves him.
*******************************
the first time, he almost did drive jack away. it was a few months after they had been rescued from the island, and a drunken sawyer had spewed so much vitriol at jack, jack was not only taken aback and hurt, but angry. they did fight then, briefly, sawyer giving jack a black eye and jack leaving sawyer with a bloody nose. he was packing a bag when sawyer appeared in the doorway looking repentant, not even bothering to try to stop the rivulets of blood rolling down from his nose, along his chin, onto his shirt.
"so you're leavin', huh?" jack doesn't respond.
"i don't really want to stay here with you tonight, sawyer. at this rate, we'll have knocked each other unconscious by morning."
"fine. fuckin' go. you think i give a shit?" sawyer gives him the defiant glare he was so used to receiving back on the island.
jack is infuriated now. "jesus christ, sawyer! what the hell is wrong with you? i come home and find you swimming in a bottle, then you attack me. i thought things were going well. i thought..." jack trails off, unable to finish, hurt overshadowing the anger. he shakes his head, turning back to his suitcase. "stay here, sleep it off tonight. i don't want to do this when you're intoxicated."
"do what, jack?" sawyer's voice is so hard jack can't help but look up from his packing and the hard expression on sawyer's face is one he's not seen before and can't quite place. "break it off? kick me out? well, you know what they say, why put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today?" sawyer shoots jack a rueful smile, and it stirs memories of the humid jungle, bamboo under fingernails, shannon gasping, and sawyer's screams, always his screams.
"is that what you want? you want to end this?"
"no. i want you to end this." the words seem to surprise sawyer after they've left his mouth, and he sags against the wall, defeated and broken.
*******************************
"i wish you'd talk to someone," jack's voice is so quiet that even he's not sure he didn't just think the words. eerily silent, but docile now, sawyer has allowed jack to put him to bed, to lie flush against his back and drape an arm around him, palm gently caressing the fine hairs on sawyer's stomach.
sawyer is quiet for a long time and jack thinks he might be asleep. just as jack is drifting off, he hears sawyer's voice, as quiet as his own had been. "i was there."
jack is holding his breath, knowing that this is an important moment, but not sure how to react, afraid of driving sawyer away through both closeness and distance. so he doesn't move, doesn't speak, just waits for him to continue. and finally, he does.
"when it happened, i was there. she put me under there, under the bed, told me he'd think i was at my grandparents. looked me in the eye and told me she loved me. like she knew exactly what was going to happen."
sawyer's voice is dull, emotionless. jack wishes he could see his face, but knows that if he moves, the spell will be broken.
"she closed my door, but i could hear the shoutin'. my daddy was a charmer, but he was also a mean drunk. you knew better than to piss him off once he'd downed half the bottle. he was three sheets to the wind that night, for sure," sawyer swallows, caught up in the memory, "and he came in with a shotgun."
jack tightens his arm around him, holding him firmly.
"i heard her scream at him, ask him what the hell he was doing with a gun. i ain't never heard terror like that in someone's voice, jack. you know that expression, 'screaming bloody murder?' i know exactly what that sounds like, and i ain't likely to ever forget it. but even worse than those screams was when they stopped. just, dead quiet. and then he came for me."
gently, jack presses his lips against the back of sawyer's neck, trying to communicate that for which there are no words.
"the door opened and i could see his boots, walking towards the bed. i was just frozen, holding my breath. but she was right, he didn't know i was there. and he sat down on the bed and blew his brains out. police came later and pulled me out of there."
jack knew that something horrible had happened to sawyer's parents, but had no idea that sawyer had bore witness to it as an 8 year old. the image of the police pulling him from under the bed bearing the weight of his dead father, his dead mother prone in the hallway is a horrific one.
"so that's what the nighmares are about," jack says quietly, still trying to assemble the pieces to this awful puzzle. sawyer has had them more nights than not since jack has known him. even back on the island, jack would sometimes hear sawyer's panicked cries during the many nights sleep eluded him. once, he started to head into his tent to wake him only to see kate catch his eye across the fire and sadly shake her head. he had never asked, and she had never explained, but he knew better than to push any further.
jack feels sawyer nod, still not facing him. "i'm sorry, sawyer," jack says, knowing it is grossly inadequate.
finally, sawyer turns toward him, settling on his back, eyes trained towards the ceiling. "yeah."
jack stays on his side, keeps his hold on sawyer's waist. "i didn't know," he says simply, fingers slowly smoothing over the skin.
"that's 'cause i never told ya," sawyer meets his eyes, a sad smile on his lips.
"what can i do?" jack says, unable to suppress the urge to try to fix it.
"not a damn thing, jack," sawyer says and is quiet for a few minutes, looking back at the ceiling. "i'm tryin' to let it go, or at least make my peace with it. sometimes i think it's going all right. and sometimes it gets bad, and i try to drown it outta me." sawyer turns to jack, looking him square in the eye. "i'm still tryin'... with all of this," he wraps his arm around jack and holds him tightly, "but it's a new year, jack. and i love you. and i'm gonna keep tryin'."
jack knows this is a big step for sawyer. sawyer, who has spent much of the time they've known each other running towards the other side of hope, is now trying to change course. while he knows there's still a long way to go, jack smiles, filled with optimism at sawyer's determined declaration of hope. "happy new year, sawyer."
"happy new year, jack," sawyer smiles back at him, kissing him gently, his hand moving between them. "now, why don't we get this year off to the right kind of start?"
title: the other side of hope
author:
uhzoomzip
rating: PG
genre: j/s angst, with a healthy dose of schmoop to start the year off right!
summary: old demons come back to haunt sawyer on new year's eve
disclaimer: not my sandbox, but i enjoy playing in it.
author's notes: off-island future-fic. spoilers for 'confidence man'.
it happens every so often. it's happened before, and he is sure it will happen again. though he doesn't quite understand it, jack does his best to tolerate it. sawyer's always been vague about his past; he knows that his parents are dead, killed by his father's hand, and that he had been shuffled through foster care, although sawyer has never told him the details. but during these times, times sawyer feels he must shroud himself in alcohol-soaked layers of bitterness and aggression, jack knows there is more to the story. it was something pretty bad, horrific probably, but sawyer 's never been forthcoming with details.
jack can never anticipate when it will hit; it's never on a certain date or time of the year. but when jack comes home after a long shift to a dark house on new year's eve, he has a pretty good idea of what to expect. after removing his coat and silently padding through the house (not a creature was stirring, he thinks to himself), he finds sawyer on the floor in the bedroom, slouched against the bed, bottle of JD nearly gone. he is staring blankly up towards the window, and jack can't help but notice how beautiful he looks, his features illuminated by the blue glow of moonlight.
"hey," he says softly, still standing in the doorway, fiddling absently with the tie on the pants of his scrubs.
"'sup doc," sawyer doesn't turn his eyes away from the window, but his use of the nickname he abandoned after their time on the island is a verbal measurement of the distance he's trying to put between them.
"you drink all that today?" jack asks lightly, unable to stop the doctor in him from seeping through.
finally, sawyer turns his face to him, glaring. "what the hell business is that of yours, jackass? what, you my daddy now?" sawyer's breath catches slightly on daddy. "i don't got to answer to you. i ain't got to answer to nobody. so why don't you just leave me the hell alone?"
jack ignores the vitriol and refuses to let himself be baited. "why don't you get into bed and i'll get you some water?" he steps forward and leans down to take the bottle from sawyer, who yanks it away furiously. the look in his eyes tells jack he's itching for a fight, and it takes every ounce of jack's patience not to acquiesce. he takes a deep breath, and forces himself to be calm, "or are you going to finish it?"
sawyer continues to glare with hooded eyes, but jack can see him working something through in his head. each time, it gets a little bit better, like he realizes there's something good here and doesn't want to drive jack away even if his pain is overwhelming. even if he still doesn't think he deserves him.
*******************************
the first time, he almost did drive jack away. it was a few months after they had been rescued from the island, and a drunken sawyer had spewed so much vitriol at jack, jack was not only taken aback and hurt, but angry. they did fight then, briefly, sawyer giving jack a black eye and jack leaving sawyer with a bloody nose. he was packing a bag when sawyer appeared in the doorway looking repentant, not even bothering to try to stop the rivulets of blood rolling down from his nose, along his chin, onto his shirt.
"so you're leavin', huh?" jack doesn't respond.
"i don't really want to stay here with you tonight, sawyer. at this rate, we'll have knocked each other unconscious by morning."
"fine. fuckin' go. you think i give a shit?" sawyer gives him the defiant glare he was so used to receiving back on the island.
jack is infuriated now. "jesus christ, sawyer! what the hell is wrong with you? i come home and find you swimming in a bottle, then you attack me. i thought things were going well. i thought..." jack trails off, unable to finish, hurt overshadowing the anger. he shakes his head, turning back to his suitcase. "stay here, sleep it off tonight. i don't want to do this when you're intoxicated."
"do what, jack?" sawyer's voice is so hard jack can't help but look up from his packing and the hard expression on sawyer's face is one he's not seen before and can't quite place. "break it off? kick me out? well, you know what they say, why put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today?" sawyer shoots jack a rueful smile, and it stirs memories of the humid jungle, bamboo under fingernails, shannon gasping, and sawyer's screams, always his screams.
"is that what you want? you want to end this?"
"no. i want you to end this." the words seem to surprise sawyer after they've left his mouth, and he sags against the wall, defeated and broken.
*******************************
"i wish you'd talk to someone," jack's voice is so quiet that even he's not sure he didn't just think the words. eerily silent, but docile now, sawyer has allowed jack to put him to bed, to lie flush against his back and drape an arm around him, palm gently caressing the fine hairs on sawyer's stomach.
sawyer is quiet for a long time and jack thinks he might be asleep. just as jack is drifting off, he hears sawyer's voice, as quiet as his own had been. "i was there."
jack is holding his breath, knowing that this is an important moment, but not sure how to react, afraid of driving sawyer away through both closeness and distance. so he doesn't move, doesn't speak, just waits for him to continue. and finally, he does.
"when it happened, i was there. she put me under there, under the bed, told me he'd think i was at my grandparents. looked me in the eye and told me she loved me. like she knew exactly what was going to happen."
sawyer's voice is dull, emotionless. jack wishes he could see his face, but knows that if he moves, the spell will be broken.
"she closed my door, but i could hear the shoutin'. my daddy was a charmer, but he was also a mean drunk. you knew better than to piss him off once he'd downed half the bottle. he was three sheets to the wind that night, for sure," sawyer swallows, caught up in the memory, "and he came in with a shotgun."
jack tightens his arm around him, holding him firmly.
"i heard her scream at him, ask him what the hell he was doing with a gun. i ain't never heard terror like that in someone's voice, jack. you know that expression, 'screaming bloody murder?' i know exactly what that sounds like, and i ain't likely to ever forget it. but even worse than those screams was when they stopped. just, dead quiet. and then he came for me."
gently, jack presses his lips against the back of sawyer's neck, trying to communicate that for which there are no words.
"the door opened and i could see his boots, walking towards the bed. i was just frozen, holding my breath. but she was right, he didn't know i was there. and he sat down on the bed and blew his brains out. police came later and pulled me out of there."
jack knew that something horrible had happened to sawyer's parents, but had no idea that sawyer had bore witness to it as an 8 year old. the image of the police pulling him from under the bed bearing the weight of his dead father, his dead mother prone in the hallway is a horrific one.
"so that's what the nighmares are about," jack says quietly, still trying to assemble the pieces to this awful puzzle. sawyer has had them more nights than not since jack has known him. even back on the island, jack would sometimes hear sawyer's panicked cries during the many nights sleep eluded him. once, he started to head into his tent to wake him only to see kate catch his eye across the fire and sadly shake her head. he had never asked, and she had never explained, but he knew better than to push any further.
jack feels sawyer nod, still not facing him. "i'm sorry, sawyer," jack says, knowing it is grossly inadequate.
finally, sawyer turns toward him, settling on his back, eyes trained towards the ceiling. "yeah."
jack stays on his side, keeps his hold on sawyer's waist. "i didn't know," he says simply, fingers slowly smoothing over the skin.
"that's 'cause i never told ya," sawyer meets his eyes, a sad smile on his lips.
"what can i do?" jack says, unable to suppress the urge to try to fix it.
"not a damn thing, jack," sawyer says and is quiet for a few minutes, looking back at the ceiling. "i'm tryin' to let it go, or at least make my peace with it. sometimes i think it's going all right. and sometimes it gets bad, and i try to drown it outta me." sawyer turns to jack, looking him square in the eye. "i'm still tryin'... with all of this," he wraps his arm around jack and holds him tightly, "but it's a new year, jack. and i love you. and i'm gonna keep tryin'."
jack knows this is a big step for sawyer. sawyer, who has spent much of the time they've known each other running towards the other side of hope, is now trying to change course. while he knows there's still a long way to go, jack smiles, filled with optimism at sawyer's determined declaration of hope. "happy new year, sawyer."
"happy new year, jack," sawyer smiles back at him, kissing him gently, his hand moving between them. "now, why don't we get this year off to the right kind of start?"